Wednesday, August 9, 2017

North To "I'll Blast Ya"


North Korea has apparently managed to miniaturize nuke warheads to the point that they'll fit into ICBMs way sooner than the "experts" expected (the same "experts" who assure us that Barack Obama's buddies in Iran are far from finishing their nukes), and a vacationing Donald Trump has declared that if Kim Jung Un doesn't quit screwing around, he'll be "met with fire and fury like the world has never seen."

Considering that there aren't many funny things we can say about this (the cartoon above quite likely being proof), we present an even more surreal than usual edition of Earwigs...


BONUS: REMODEL PRISONER

Our first two days of renovation went pretty well in stately Jarlsberg manor. On day one, a small army of workmen enthusiastically ripped everything out of our master bathroom. And we mean everything...


Tuesday, after some extended jackhammering, ripping, and rending, a carpenter roughed in the "pony wall" which will define the boundaries of our new shower stall (rising from that area where a Russian periscope is currently peering out of a hole in the ground), and on Wednesday we think there's a plumber coming to do something unknown which will almost certainly be noisy and expensive and keep us from being able to use toilets anywhere in the house.

We'd say more, but Happy Hour has just arrived without a second to spare.

23 comments:

Bruce Bleu said...

Reminds me of a story I heard after visiting Scotland... what's the difference between bagpipes and onions? Nobody cries when you cut up bagpipes!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

"The unknown member of the North Korean aristocracy, Kim Jun Oy, serenades the troops with a rousing rendition of 'Winchester Cathedral'..."

What's the difference between bagpipes and trampolines? You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline!

What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you pitch the bagpipes into a dumpster and they hit a banjo!

REM1875 said...

I dated his sister for awhile (he was by far, the better looking one) but left when he mentioning he needed new parts for his "pipes' and began staring at my head in an odd and uncomfortable way........

Fred Ciampi said...

Kim Ping Pong's nukes can reach California so far. Perhaps he'll save a lot of time and trouble seeing that governor moonbeam wants to separate sunny California from the rest of the country.

Mark Matis said...

But that also means his toys can also reach Alaska, Fred Ciampi. And in spite of Murkowski, THAT is worth saving.

TrickyRicky said...

Last time I eat Campbell's Cream of "Mushroom" soup.

MD Vickery said...

Happy Hour doesn't really start until the first drink. Drink like Chicagoans vote_ early and often. Remember - It's always five o'clock somewhere.

John the Econ said...

What Trump's "tweets" look like inside his own head.

Nukes: At some point somebody's going to have to respond to a big smoking hole in the ground. And I'm afraid that it will be someone else because we'll be too distracted to notice.

Bathroom: Just keep telling yourself this is a "first world problem". Remember, the Democrats wish to flood this country with people who wouldn't have a clue as to what to do in this room.

In fact, if you really want to add to the resale value of your home, you might consider what they're resorting to in Europe, the "Multiculturalism Toilet".

Dan said...

I can't help but feel that with all the years we've had SDI ("star wars"), I think we could probably counter nKor's puny nuke threat. Considering we were going for defense against a Soviet strike with a bunch of missiles (and MIRVs), I can't help but think our countermeasures would be effective.

We still haven't begun NEO (noncombatant evacuation operations) on the Korean peninsula yet, so I'm guessing things aren't really *that* critical as of yet.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Bruce Bleu- Actually, I'm quite the fan of bagpipes when they're incorporated in rock music.

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Good perfect pitch joke!

@REM1875- Then again, some people are obviously put on Earth to serve as wind instruments.

@Fred Ciampi- In the interest of peace, why don't we simply concede California to Kim?

@Mark Matis- Yeah! I've got FAMILY in Alaska!

@TrickyRicky- But each serving has 100% of your daily requirement of psilocybin!

@MD Vickery- I've previously stated my objections and confusion when it comes to Daylight Saving Time. On the plus side, this gives me plausible deniability when I start drinking at 4 in the afternoon.

@John the Econ- I think your "Trump's tweets" observation is pretty accurate. Regarding toilet confusion (or aversion) in other cultures, I have to share this amazing public service video (a REAL one) to try to convince people in India to poop in toilets rather than just squatting in the streets.

@Dan- I hope you're right on both counts.

John the Econ said...

Wow. Just wow. I really wish you could have seen my face when I watched that. I could literally feel my facial muscles contorting as my eyes absorbed that.

First, there was the visceral revulsion at the idea that somebody's tax dollars were spent to create that.

Second, there was my analysis of the total fail of this marketing campaign. It seems to be targeted at urban sophisticates who have long since mastered at least a minor understanding of the benefits of modern sanitation. It wasn't the animated humans featured in the video who were dropping poo everywhere. In fact, those responsible for the poo are never seen or identified. The poo is just there, everywhere, and literally has a life of its own.

In other words, what we really have here is yet another example of Progressives lecturing the victims of a problem instead of the people who are actually responsible.

So what was the point of this then? Since the people featured in the video and those it is targeted at clearly mastered not-pooping in public shortly after toddlerdom, why lecture them? They clearly already are aware of the problem, and are not the ones contributing to it.

And how is the problem solved? They build a giant toilet and trick the poo into flushing itself. What the hell is that a metaphor for?

Beyond my suspicion that this was just another UN boondoggle to funnel money to somebody's relatives in the video creation industry, I really don't know.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@John the Econ- The "Take Your Poo to the Loo" video was created by UNICEF, making it likely that US tax dollars were involved. And yes, some questioned whether or not an Internet video would reach the poorer folks who frequently don't have Internet connections. Or gag reflexes.

An interesting quote from the group which created/promoted the video: "According to Poo2Loo, India has the highest ‘open defecation’ rate in the world, with 620 million people creating 65 million kilograms of open waste each day. Only half of its population use toilets at all." As Paul Harvey used to say, it is not one world.

And to prove it, check out this epic 7 minute commercial promoting the use of condoms in India. All singing! All dancing! All rubbery!

Fred Ciampi said...

Stilt, regarding the amount of Indiapoo deposited everywhere but in a proper disposal place. Just to put it in perspective; each day, there is an amount of human feces dumped outdoors in India equal to one and a quarter times the weight of the battleship USS New Jersey.

Colby Muenster said...

How in the world did this digress into a poop discussion? Butt... I actually don't give a crap.

Being of Scottish descent, and living in an area of the country where many Scots settled, I know a crapload (dang, there's that word again!) of Scots and bagpipe jokes, but I'll refrain for now. I do have a T shirt that says, "Scotch: you can't drink it all day unless you start in the mornin'", and I be glad to loan it to you, Stilton, if it would help you with booze justification through your remodeling project!

Norks... The odds of them actually getting a missile with a nuke on it to the US are extremely slim, but give them a couple more years of practice, who knows? It is far past time to stomp this little crap weasel (that word again) into the dirt. We do not need nukes to take out their nukes, and I believe the Prez has set the stage. The next time Kim Jr. mouths off may just set the wheels in motion. And the Norks have literally nobody to help them. The Chinese will turn their backs faster than you can say, "What's that firey thing in the sky?" They make billions off of us, so they aren't going to queer that deal.

I heard that NK gets all of its electricity from China. Makes me wonder if the first strike shouldn't be the power grid at their northern border. How the heck could Little Fat Man play Grand Theft Auto after that?

Judi King said...

@ Dan: I hope you are right also.

John the Econ said...

"And yes, some questioned whether or not an Internet video would reach the poorer folks who frequently don't have Internet connections."

Actually, I wouldn't question the likelihood that "poorer folks who frequently don't have Internet connections" are as inaccessible as we assume anymore:

Deputy UN chief calls for urgent action to tackle global sanitation crisis

Of the world’s seven billion people, six billion have mobile phones. However, only 4.5 billion have access to toilets or latrines – meaning that 2.5 billion people, mostly in rural areas, do not have proper sanitation. In addition, 1.1 billion people still defecate in the open.

And not all of them are in rural backwaters of the world either.

Isn't that amazing? The vast majority of the world's population now owns technology that only 1%ers had access to a mere 25 years ago. And yet, around a third of the world still lacks basic sanitation that the western world mastered centuries ago.

So what's the difference? Might it be "capitalism"?

So it's entirely possible a large number of people who poop in public have access to YouTube. Either way, since that UNICEF video wasn't actually targeting the creators of the poo, I still argue that it was a waste of money.

Tracy Evans said...

Time to get back to basics: http://i.imgur.com/9kblmSD.jpg

Rod said...

In addition to my own priorities I've had a good run & accomplished four (count'em: 4) routine but important home improvement tasks in the last two days;and in doing so remembered something for you Stilt: Don't neglect the HVAC filter(s) as needed and when it's all over at least consider duct cleaning and install a new high efficiency filter.

All this rhetoric and posturing about N Korea. I rather like the reminder that one modern U.S. nuclear missile submarine has the firepower to fully annihilate North Korea, and we have several of them. The little fat NK shit has to be nuts to keep pissing us off; I think his game to entice us make the first move. I hope we don't; but he'd better get back in line.

James Daily said...

I have no idea what the midget dicktator thinks he would accomplish. What I think he wants is for us to abandon S Korea in return for his not firing a nuke our way. That would never happen as we like the KIAs. Secondly, My thoughts is this whole fiasco can be laid at the feet of LBJ because when the USS Pueblo was captured, he turned tail and ran. Crap, he had boo koo of military not far away in Viet Nam ('68). He could have settled that in about two days but instead he let our men be tortured for a year then a General Court Martial for Commander Bucher.

Stan da Man said...

Colby - "Queer that deal" - I believe you meant to say "send that down the shitter"?
65M kg of poo a DAY?!?!?
Sweet jeebus, that's FUEL!!!! pay them a penny / poo in a select place, dry it, burn it (may have to cook it to methane first) but crap, that's cheaper than coal!!!

And GOTTA be cheaper than the coming plague...

Anonymous said...


Stilton, Ran across this tidbit that explains your creativity. :-)

It may be no coincidence that some of the greatest literary names had a love for alcohol — think Hemingway, Poe, and Faulkner — drinking may have given their creativity a boost and helped them plow through mental blocks that stifled their productivity. According to a study from Austria's University of Graz, alcohol relaxes areas in the brain and allows thoughts to be more creative.

Amounts as small as a glass of wine or beer will do the trick say researchers.

Researchers gave people either beer or a non-alcoholic beer that tasted the same. They were then given tasks, such as a word association test determining what word linked Swiss, blue, and cake. Those who drank alcohol were much more likely to get the correct answer — cheese. Those who drank alcohol were also more likely to do better on a creative thinking problem, deciding a tire was used more creatively as a lampshade than as a swing.

"We wanted to do this study because alcohol is so linked with creativity, and great writers like Ernest Hemingway," lead author Dr. Mathias Benedek told Daily Mail. "Previous research has found almost half of the great writers had a history of drinking.

"We found that a small drink can indeed help with certain aspects of creativity, although it may make hard, focused work more difficult.

"So, it might well work for someone who is sitting down to do creative writing or brainstorming ideas in a boardroom," Benedek concluded.
SPECIAL:

There are a couple of theories explaining why alcohol helps with creativity. One is it may give your mind the freedom to explore alternate ways of solving a problem. The other is that alcohol allows you to access your unconscious mind to find alternative solutions, Benedek said.


Other studies have also found a link between creativity and alcohol, such as a study at the University of Illinois which found that drinkers who were brainstorming ideas outperformed non-drinkers 4 to 1 when given creative tasks.

How does alcohol unleash creativity? It could be its ability to help drinkers relax. Researcher Mark Beeman from Northwestern University found that thinking too hard blocked the creative process, but when volunteers were relaxed, they were more likely to have a "Eureka" moment.

© 2017 NewsmaxHealth. All rights reserved.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Anonymous- Truth be told, I avoid alcohol when I'm creating or writing (but certainly enjoy it in the cool down phase afterwards). I think the study is probably true for most people, who perhaps aren't used to loosening up and giving their creative side control. Doing so involves letting go of social inhibition and being self-judgmental, and also taps into one's ability to simply free associate. I love the whole process of brainstorming, but can't do it if I've had a drink.

I'll also note that I've never agreed that "there are no bad ideas" when brainstorming. But then again, I've shared some sessions with people who were utter nitwits.

Doug M said...

Sorry, Stilton
All's I got is some joke about blowin' yer nose.