Monday, May 20, 2019
Our Crap Runneth Over
With the announcement that Bill "The Worst Mayor in America" De Blasio has thrown his hat into the badly overstretched ring, there are now 24 Democrats vying to become the next presidential candidate to be beaten by Donald Trump like a fluffy egg white meringue atop a Loser Lemon pie.
Frankly, we can't wait for these clowns to take the debate stage and hear how they struggle to differentiate their policy positions from each other. After all, they pretty much all want the same things: higher taxes, more government control, socialism that will actually work for the first time ever, "Medicare for all," reparations for slavery, freedom to abort babies who start to get annoying after a year or two, a "living wage" for jobs which can be done by three-toed sloths, the banning of guns and other things that "look scary," the repeal of Free Speech, replacing coal and oil with clean and affordable imaginary energy sources, official ratification that there are 732 different genders whose dignity demands that they all need different bathrooms and glory holes and, most importantly, all of the candidates are promising to feed Donald Trump into a wood chipper feet first so that everyone on the Left can enjoy the expression on his face.
With all of this policy overlap, some of the candidates are having to stake out very narrow niche positions just to get noticed. Bernie Sanders has recently announced that he'll make Larry David his vice president, so that any succession of power would be undetectable by the naked eye. Beto O'Rourke promises to be a strong advocate for Irish people who believe themselves to be Hispanic.
Cory "Spartacus" Booker has promised that, if elected, he will serve his entire term dressed as a gladiator. Joe Biden is breaking from the pack by making it clear that no one hates old white men who have been in Washington forever more than he does.
Elizabeth Warren expects to pick up momentum with her catchy slogan: "A Slightly Less Annoying Hillary." And of course, Kamala Harris is separating herself from the pack by pointing out that none of her worthy competitors has nearly as much experience blowing Willie Brown.
Democrats, this is your circus and these are your monkeys. The rest of us are just going to pour some stiff drinks and enjoy the really big show.
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM