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Monday, August 10, 2020

Space Racists

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, NASA, nicknames, siamese twins, eskimo, chang and eng, muslim outreach, political correctness

Now that the exploration of space is safely in the hands of eccentric billionaires, the folks at NASA have plenty of time on their hands to work on more important things. Having presumably completed their Obama-era "primary mission" of Muslim Outreach (see below), the agency has announced that they are now moving on to eliminating "culturally insensitive" nicknames for objects in space which are "actively harmful" and are painful reminders of "the systemic discrimination and inequality" inherent in staring up at the night sky.

For starters, NASA will no longer make reference to the "Siamese Twins Galaxy," a name which refers to 1800s sideshow legends Chang and Eng Bunker, conjoined twins who were not only "stars" but actually pretty darn cool. Seriously, they went from poverty to great wealth, married two sisters, and fathered 21 children. Now there's a mental picture you can't un-see.

NASA will now be referring to the twin galaxies as NGC 4567 and NGC 4568, apparently unaware that it's highly inappropriate to describe galaxies using n-words. The agency is also banishing the name of the "Eskimo Nebula" lest it offend any parka-wearing indigenous people who live in igloos and subscribe to "Sky & Telescope Magazine."

All of which is a good start, but NASA clearly still has a long way to go. Should vegans still have to be offended by the word "meteor?" Must the lactose intolerant be repulsed by the "Milky Way?" Do we want observatories burned to the ground by those protesting the term "Black Hole?" And what the hell were the astronomers thinking when they came up with the name "Red Dwarf?" Seriously, why piss off a group of people who have no ability to punch you anywhere other than in the balls?

Should a telescope have an eyepiece instead of a more inclusive we-piece? Shouldn't an orbit's "eccentricity" simply be referred to non-judgmentally as a "choice?" And instead of combing the universe for intelligence, shouldn't NASA spend more time looking out there for feelings?

Finally, we'd like to suggest that NASA put a special priority on finding a new phrase to describe the variations in sunlight reflecting from the seventh planet.  Because even we're offended by "waxing Uranus"

FROM THE VAULT: July 6, 2010



NASA Administrator Charles Bolden has revealed that the "foremost" mission Barack Hussein Obama wants him to accomplish is to improve relations with the Muslim world.

Speaking to Al Jazeera on the one year anniversary of the president's trip to Cairo to praise Islam, Bolden said that the president charged him with several tasks...the 
foremost of which was "he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science and math and engineering."

The president seems to be forgetting that the culture's 
last historic contribution to aviation science was the discovery of how to fly to New York using only boxcutters.

Friday, August 7, 2020

Oh, Baby

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, o caption, my caption, earwigs, nurse, baby, hiroshima, biden, obama

AND NOW, RANDOM COMMENTS ON THE NEWS FROM SOMEONE BARELY PAYING ATTENTION

• Joe Biden says he doesn't intend to take any cognitive tests because he can tell "the difference between an elephant and a lion." Based on that argument alone, we agree that additional testing is unnecessary.

• Following a devastating explosion in Beirut caused by Ammonium Nitrate, Joe Biden has contacted Lebanon to promise them that, if he is elected president, he will commit US troops to invade Ammonia.

• As of this week, the ACLU has filed nearly 400 lawsuits against the Trump Administration. They have also filed suit against UCLA for having a name that is potentially confusing to dyslectic anarchists.

• Trendsetters are claiming that "pineapples are the new pumpkins" for carving Jack O'Lanterns. Apparently because pineapple growers, not satisfied with screwing up pizza, now also want to screw up Halloween.

• Michelle Obama reports that she is suffering from "low-grade depression" owing to coronavirus, racial strife, and Donald Trump. Stilton's Place has started a Go Fund Me (And The Horse I Rode In On) page where donors can contribute toward a $15 goal to buy the former first lady a jug of Clan MacGregor and a tasteful STFU card.

• On Thursday, survivors of the Hiroshima atomic bomb blast gathered to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the event, which reminded us of two things: this old post from 2016, and what a complete POS Barack Obama is. No wonder Michelle is depressed...

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, hiroshima, atomic bomb, nuclear, hydrogen bomb
Their tiny tanks never stood a chance.

Yesterday, Barack Obama confirmed plans to be the first sitting president to visit Hiroshima while wearing lead-shielded underpants.

His purpose is, by wild coincidence, to tell the world how awful nuclear proliferation is (except, say, in Iran) but he reportedly has no plans to specifically apologize for the bombs which ended World War II with impressive finality.

Still, his visit is seen internationally as an acknowledgment that America once did a very, very mean thing and, now that many young Americans have no freaking sense whatsoever of history, we feel just awful about it. Come here, Hiroshima - you need a hug!

By the way, as long as we've mentioned people being increasingly clueless about history, the link above goes to a story in US News & World Report which reports that we dropped a hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.  Which was a pretty good trick, considering that the first hydrogen bomb (1000 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb) was test-detonated seven years later in 1952.

But hey, why let little things like empirical facts and actual history spoil a story about what assholes we were back in the 1940s? And for that matter, why should those realities deter Barack Obama from his latest strident stop on the seemingly unending "blame America first" tour?
obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, hiroshima, atomic bomb, nuclear, hydrogen bomb, pearl harbor

Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Oh, Chute

Pa, cartoon, Donnel

Remember me mentioning that I might be making minimal posts from time to time? This is one of those times! And please know that all is well - really! - other than in a time management sense. As some scholar once said: "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

But rather than leave this page empty, I'm sharing another ancient cartoon drawn by my Dad, from whom I inherited an appreciation for dark humor. Hopefully you'll enjoy it too!

Monday, August 3, 2020

There's Nothing Like a Damien

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, AOC, Father Damien, Hawaii, leper colony

Proving once again that she has way, way too much time on her hands, Alexandria Ontario-Canadez is now complaining that a US Capitol Building statue of Father Damien, a Catholic priest who devoted his life to caring for the wretched residents of a leper colony in Hawaii before contracting and dying of the illness himself, represents "patriarchy and white supremacist culture."

The fact that Father Damien was a racist asshole no doubt comes as a shock to the Catholic church, which made him a saint, as well as to Hawaiian historians who are aware that Hawaii's Princess Lili'uokalani visited the leper colony on Molokai to personally honor the selfless priest. In 2009, then-governor of Hawaii Linda Lingle proclaimed October 11 to be Saint Damien Day, to celebrate a man who "remains a spiritual hero and an icon of love, compassion, courage, humility and humanitarian service."

None of which, in AOC's unforgiving eyes, excuses him for being white.

NAME GAME

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, biden, vp, kamala harris, cameltoe hope n’ change, biden, vp, kamala harris, cameltoe

Joe "Who's Joe Biden?" Biden will reportedly name his choice for a VP candidate sometime this week. Or maybe next week.

Okay, the timetable is fuzzy but he's got a reminder written in bold, block letters on a Post-it note so it will definitely happen pretty soon. Probably.

Insider speculation is that his choice is most likely to be Senator Kamala Harris. Insider speculation is also that the announcement has been delayed because he keeps mistakenly calling her "cameltoe."

UPRIGHT POSITION

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, bill clinton, jeffrey epstein, pedophile island, lolita express, ghislaine maxwell

According to newly-released documents, Bill Clinton did indeed spend time on Jeffrey Epstein's so-called "Pedophile Island" in the company of "young girls."

The former president, fabled hound dog, and pathological liar has adamantly denied any wrongdoing, shaking his stink-finger for emphasis. According to unconfirmed sources, Slick Willy has said "If I ever was on the island, and I'm not saying I was, it would have been because of my  well-documented interest in gardening." When pressed to be more specific, Clinton replied "deflowering."

Friday, July 31, 2020

Fool Disclosure

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, fool disclosure, change, schedule, vertebra, Mrs. J, health
Scotch and water, anyone?
It's likely that publishing here at Stilton's Place is going to be a bit more sporadic for awhile, and I want to fill everyone in on what's going on. No need to hold your breath - this doesn't go anywhere particularly bad!

Several weeks ago, Mrs. J injured her back in a freak accident involving maggots and a city trash receptacle (but haven't we all?). We initially thought it was just a strain or sprain, but it wasn't. Rather, it was a compression fracture in one of her vertebra, which has severely limited the things she can do and her ability to get around (she can walk, but not for very long, and can't drive). Additional tests have shown other small fractures which previously hadn't been a problem, and osteoporosis.

She's forced to wear a championship wrestling-style belt/brace, she started physical therapy today, and she'll be having multiple sessions weekly. Other treatment options will depend on what we learn. There will also be multiple doctor visits, scans, tests, and other mischief related to all of this... and, being old farts, we were already doing frequent doctor visits as a form of geriatric recreation.

We're doing fine, but I'm going to be doing a lot of driving, minor caregiving ("peel me a grape!"), and attending to chores that Mrs. J handles when not infirm. And trust me, that's pretty much everything around here! Even with Daughter J's help, we're hard put to keep up!

But of course, that's not ALL that's going on. Covid-19 is still rolling across the nation and doing more damage than is generally recognized. That would be an important topic to talk about, but due to the politics and misinformation, no one really seems open to ideas or new, genuinely scientific information. And without a smart consensus, this plague is a long way from over. Frankly, it's tiring to try to ignore this huge story and find other topics to write about.

Although there are plenty! It's just that they're all depressing as Hell. Seriously, I frequently feel like I'm an older, uglier Charlton Heston and my spacecraft has somehow managed to trap me on the Planet of the Assholes. Preposterously biased "news" reports, Trump's tweets, riots in the streets, a collapsing economy (currently held aloft with imaginary money from the Fed), the unending perfidy of Democrats (between Nadler interrogating Barr and Obama turning John Lewis's funeral into a political rally, I can't even LOOK at these SOB's lately), cancel culture, racial animosity, social media tycoons digitally erasing freedom of speech, a nationwide attack on police officers, etc, etc.

Depending on how ALL the events in my life are going on any given day, these things could quickly and effectively be turned into prickly humor...or they could suck the life out of me for hours as I try to do enough clumsy self-surgery to find my funny bone. I can't really do that and still attend to my most important priorities, so I'm working on finding the best balance.

WHAT'S GOING TO ACTUALLY CHANGE HERE? Probably very little! I'm still as snarky as ever, the world is certainly as crazy as ever, and I really enjoy our interactions here. But for awhile, I'm going to occasionally post things along the lines of "sorry, I can't play today," and I don't want that to take anyone by surprise. I'm not going anywhere - I'm just stretched a bit thin for awhile.

Of course, the best way to know for sure when there's tasty new content on the page is to be signed up on my spam-free mailing list!

BONUS: RED SKIES AT NIGHT...

Just to say "thank you" for reading this far, here's a lovely sunset I spied from the back yard last night. Idyllic, except for the skeeters, sweltering heat, and the mine field of dog poops...


Wednesday, July 29, 2020

Time Off for Bad Behavior

Remember a couple of weeks ago when we said we were going to take time off to "catch up on things?" Well, that was pretty much a disaster. So we're trying it again for today and Friday.

All is fine - we just need to turn the tide on all of the undone things which are stacking up around here. We'll see you in the comments section - and here's a little foolishness just to say "thanks" for stopping by!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, o caption, my caption, earwigs, plumber, drain, pipe, glass eye

Monday, July 27, 2020

Guerillas In Our Midst

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, louisville, NFAC, BLM, assholes, Fauci
Coincidentally, they're also the "Not Fucking Clear On Covering Your Damn Noses" Coalition.
Tragedy rocked Louisville, Kentucky this weekend when three members of the BLM-supporting militia group, the "Not Fucking Around Coaltion," were shot by one of their own members who was apparently screwing around like a "Fucking Asshole," which is a different but ideologically similar coalition with a considerable overlap in membership.

At the time of this writing, it is still not clear if the shooter will be charged with any crimes or simply receive a special commendation for public service.

The group's founder, Grandmaster Jay (who apparently doesn't know the name "master" is potentially offensive), assured the public that his militia's presence is no cause for alarm, that their intent is entirely peaceful and, if they don't get exactly what they're demanding in the next four weeks, that Louisville will be left in ashes because "we are going to burn this motherfucker down."

Should that occur, for the safety of the NFAC's surviving members, we'd like to recommend that they don't ask Dr. Anthony Fauci to throw out the first molotov cocktail...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, louisville, NFAC, BLM, assholes, Fauci, first pitch
Reminder: MLB supports the fight against Dyslexia!

Friday, July 24, 2020

News at Tan

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, tan o'clock news, redskins, wall of moms, BLM, Coronavirus, Trump, masks

In our constant quest to bring diversity to these pages, Stilton's Place has again solicited opinions on topical stories from a variety of women, including women of color. Toasty brown color.

And who can argue with their trenchant insights? For instance, it's actually 100% true that the "Washington Redskins" have officially changed their name to the "Washington Football Team."  Although this represents a new low in sheer gutlessness, we think that the name is still offensive - and not just because of the reference to A) a dead white slaveowner and/or B) a filthy corruption-filled swamp.

Did the owners (and how offensive is that term?!)  give any consideration to the fact that the rest of the world says that "football" means "soccer?" Isn't it time for us to adopt the global standard and call our sport something else entirely? And can we really tolerate the word "team," which is a blatant homophone for "teem" - as in "the wretched refuse of your teeming shore"? Why is anyone still calling immigrants "wretched refuse"?! Seriously, the whole name needs a complete do-over. And while they're at it, ditch the religiously offensive "pigskin."

And speaking of pigs (we are masters of the deft segue), how about the "Wall of Moms" who linked arms in Portland to guard their precious little protest-fascists against the big bad police? These "Moms" claim unwavering and unthinking allegiance to Black leaders, none of whom seem to turn up in pictures of the event.

"If [Black leaders] want one wall of moms, they get one!" said one of the petulant, blindingly-white middle-aged women. "If they want two, they get two! If they tell us to jump, we jump. And if they tell us to leave, we leave." Which we'll bet happens a lot.

And rounding out (rather fetchingly) today's trio of stories, Donald Trump has finally been seen wearing a Covid-19 suppressing face mask. He has additionally tweeted that "in our effort to defeat the Invisible China Virus...it is patriotic to wear a face mask." That's not quite declaring that he backs the science, but hopefully people who have been reluctant to wear masks in public will now do so in order to keep Donald Trump  from thinking that they're anti-American assholes.

BONUS: DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER, DAMMIT!

There's really no special significance to this cartoon, but sometimes punchlines come to us unbidden and if we don't get them out of our head, we break out in hives. True story.

IN MEMORIAM: OL' REMUS & THE WOODPILE REPORT


We're sad to report that Ol' Remus, the host of the popular conservative blog "The Woodpile Report" has passed away. The blog was a reliable source of wit, information, and analysis. It will be missed.

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

B At Last, B At Last...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, george floyd, blm, AP, capitalize Black, race, NYT

George Floyd did not die in vain. Oh sure, in the wake of his death there have been hundreds of businesses burned to the ground, dozens of monuments defaced, tens of millions of dollars in property damage, multiple murders, a skyrocketing increase in crime, and greater racial animosity dividing the nation than we've seen in half a century.

But it's all been worth it, because the Associated Press has announced that they have changed their internal style guide and will now always capitalize the word "Black" when used in the context of race and culture. The AP did not comment on whether capitalization will apply when "black" is used in the context of historic plagues.

Interestingly, the AP has also announced that they won't be doing the same for the word "white," because "white people suck." Okay, that's not how they said it, but the inference is clear enough. In the words of the New York Times, "white doesn't represent a shared culture and history in the way Black does."

Which is undeniably true unless you count picky little things like the Magna Carta, the Renaissance, and the founding of Western Civilization.  Although, based solely on having a shared culture and history, it will probably still be okay to capitalize "White Trash."

BONUS: MECCA DIFFERENCE WITH JOE

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, muslims

In what's being touted as an historic event, the Man Who Lives in Biden's Basement addressed a group of 3,000 people during a Muslim American Advocacy event to solicit their votes in November.

Biden spoke passionately about Islamaphobia, the need for a Palestinian state ("Maybe Idaho"), and the enormous contributions of Muslims in fighting the coronavirus pandemic - presumably by ordering their women to keep their faces covered for another thousand years.

Perhaps thinking fondly of the black children who so loved to stroke his leg hairs, Biden said: "I wish, I wish we taught more in our schools about the Islamic faith. What people don't realize is...we all come from the same root here." He then started chuckling, wiggling his eyebrows, and repeating "come from the same root" Beavis & Butthead-style until his chair was kicked from offscreen.

While Biden didn't make many actual policy statements, nor prove he was wearing pants, he was very clear about one thing: "If I have the honor of being president, I will end the Muslim ban on Day One. Day One."

We assume that, in Joe's mind, he means that Muslims will finally be able to use the same Ban (or any deodorant of their choice) that other Americans use.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Useless Money-Saving Tips!

If Indiana Jones was lashed to a pole just as a current news broadcast was about to open, he would surely scrunch his eyes shut and shout "DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!"

Which is why I'm skipping all of that topical stuff (hey, who wants a melted face?) and am instead sharing something (hopefully) fun out of my files.

In this case, we're traveling back in time to 1980, when the nation was caught up in an energy crisis. A major public utility company hired my Dad and I to create a comic piece about energy conservation which they could put in their consumer newsletter, thereby making it less likely that said consumers would storm their offices with torches and pitchforks. Although my Dad was the more experienced copywriter, he let me do most of the writing while he created the cartoon illustrations.

It was a delight for me to share a project with my Dad, and a nice bonus to get paid actual money for just making up ridiculous stuff. My career path was set.

Some of the cultural and technical references are a bit dated, 40 years later, but most of the tips are every bit as practical and useful now as they were then. Which is to say...not very.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, energy tips, biden, warren




FROM THE VAULT: RUMPER STICKER...

We've been hearing that the odds are getting better for Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren to be selected as Joe Biden's VP choice. Which would make her, we guess, the "Tepee VP"...


We're skeptical, since Biden has all but promised that his candidate will be a woman of non-assumed color and #BlackVotesMatter, but anything could happen. Which is why we're revisiting this possibly prophetic cartoon from the old Hope n' Change days!


Friday, July 17, 2020

A Little Horseplay

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, o caption my caption, caption, cowboy, woman, horse

After skinning our knee pretty spectacularly a few days ago, we've been reminded of the old adage about scabs: if you pick at it, it won't get better.

Wisdom which we thought we'd also try applying to the news today: if we don't pick at it, maybe it will eventually get better.

Wednesday, July 15, 2020

Lame Ms.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, New York, AOC, shoplifting, violent crime, Les Miz, bread, Jean Valjean, the Squad

In a tense world of ever-growing threats, it's good to know that we can still count on unintentional comic relief from New York congresswoman Alexandria Ocarina-Quartets!

The far, far, far Left congresswoman is well known along with Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley for being part of a radical group called "The Squat" which meets, appropriately, in adjoining lady's room stalls.

But acting on her own, the once-and-future bartender recently hosted an online town hall meeting during which she was asked about New York City's sudden and dramatic rise in violent crimes...

"Maybe this has to do with the fact that people aren't paying their rent and are scared to pay their rent," she replied in a sentence only intelligible to Joe Biden. "So they go out and they need to feed their child and they don't have money so...they feel like they either need to shoplift some bread or go hungry."

Which would have been a perfectly good answer if Jean Valjean was in the midst of an extended murder spree or if the city was wracked by violent mobs of #BreadLoavesMatter agitators. But because neither of those is the case, it seems more likely that the congresswoman simply pulled the reply from her derriere in order to characterize violent criminals as innocent victims and responsible parents, while not mentioning New York City's defunding of its police force and the city's "catch and release" measures which put criminals back on the streets as quickly as possible.

Both of which policies, we're sure, the congresswoman considers to be the best things since sliced, albeit stolen, bread.

Monday, July 13, 2020

An Easy Commute

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, roger stone, clemency, commute, pardon, trump, Left, statues, antifa, BLM

Last Friday was "a day which will live in infamy" for Leftists - who are likely unaware that the phrase has been used previously. In this case, it refers to President Trump's "Executive Grant of Clemency" commuting the sentence of former presidential advisor Roger Stone Jr - one of the higher profile prosecutorial victims of the Russian Collusion Hoax.

Those on the Left are fearful that if not kept in jail for life, the 67-year old Stone will embark on a wave of crime: setting buildings on fire, looting stores, strapping on a gun and claiming an entire urban neighborhood, toppling statues, defacing public monuments and, in his spare time, shooting dozens of black men, women, and children in Chicago.

Just kidding! The Left is actually totally cool with all of those things! What they're really afraid of is that Roger Stone will serve as a living reminder of their coup attempt and the corrupting of our nation's intelligence and law enforcement agencies.

And speaking of political dysfunction...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Biden, Buy American, Hunter Biden, Ukraine, Burisma
"There was this guy called Cornhole who was fascinated by the golden hairs on my legs..."
Joe Biden has announced his own plan to "Make America Great Again But Not A Donald Trump Kind of Great," which boils down to this: "buy American."

By which we assume he means to buy any of the literally dozens of products still made in our country, as opposed to actually buying an American the way Ukranian energy company, Burisma Holdings, bought Joe Biden by funneling money to his son, Hunter.

Friday, July 10, 2020

Still Playing Hooky

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Another cartoon sketch by my Dad
My "week off to relax and catch up on things" hasn't really played out that way. Life, in its puckish way, has served up a series of minor emergencies and distractions which have left me frazzled and even further behind than I was before!

For example, our refrigerator broke down (in Texas, in July) and so I had to scramble to get a new one without actually venturing out into the world of possible plague-carriers. I finally found a good one online that got delivered today, but I discovered it's a HUGE amount of work (Mrs J was already on the "injured reserve" list) to get all the crap out of one refrigerator and repack it into another before everything rots.

And amazingly, even though I didn't materially help the guys installing the new refrigerator, I still managed to need a weed whip to help make it happen (to uncover the water shutoff to the house), tore the skin off my knuckles (shutting off the water), then later pitched myself wildly and clumsily into the street, ripped my pants and knee open, and sprained a wrist. It's a long story, but the short version is this: I suck at taking time off.

But now I have ice for my well-earned drink.

On the plus side, ripped jeans are stylish - right?
See you in the comments section!

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Stilton Waters Run Deep

cartoon by pa, pa cartoon, donnel, fish, door, salesman
I'm still doing the "staycation" thing this week, but didn't want anyone to show up here without getting something for their effort. And so, here is another old cartoon that my Dad did about 70 years ago.

Meanwhile, what little we've seen of the news still pretty much stinks. Want to talk about it? The comments section is open for business!

Monday, July 6, 2020

Staycation


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, staycation, vacation, week off
Want a print-worthy copy of this picture? Download it at this link!
We're taking the week off (unless even MORE crap somehow hits the fan) to enjoy the creature comforts of home and catch up on a backlog of chores that has gotten a little out of control. Not that we're deserting you entirely as the world descends into madness - the comments section will be open as usual and we'll be participating there as much as possible.

All is fine - we're just way overdue to catch our breath!

ASKING A FAVOR...

Hopefully you all downloaded your free copy of "Johnny Optimism - Volume Two: Laughter is Debased Medicine" over the weekend. If so (or even if not), we'll again mention that any and all reviews on Amazon will be extremely helpful in making sure that the book turns up in search listings (ie, harder for Amazon to bury). Also, please keep reviews "politics free" because Johnny has problems enough already.

Incidentally, during the book giveaway it reached the impressive #2 position in "medical fiction," being topped only by some goony romance book which has nothing to do with medicine. And really, does the world even need another romance book?! There are millions of them...but only two Johnny Optimism books! This is the sort of injustice that drove Papa Hemingway to home dentistry.

Friday, July 3, 2020

4th of July - Land of the Free (Book)!

johnny optimism, medical, humor, sick, jokes, boy, wheelchair, doctors, hospital, stilton jarlsberg, book, free, kindle, volume two, 4th of July
What better way to celebrate the 4th of July than with a red, white, and blue book that's free? To celebrate the release of Johnny Optimism's second mega-collection, I'm giving the Kindle version away absolutely free on Friday July 3, Saturday July 4, and Sunday July 5th.

Note: before ordering, be sure the price shows as free (and not just "Read for Free" with Kindle Unlimited)! Instead, you want to buy the book for $0.00.


You can read this immense treasury of humor on any computer, smartphone, or tablet - just download the appropriate free Kindle reading app from Amazon at this link. And reading on even a small device doesn't stink, because I fiddled around with the book's code to embed an "easy reading" mode: just turn your device sideways, tap on any page, and you'll suddenly see just one cartoon at a time at a size which won't make you go blind! Tap on the right to go to the next cartoon, or tap on the left to go backwards.

There's also a beautiful paperback edition available for just $5.99 with free Prime shipping. No respectable bathroom, coffee table, or doctor's waiting room should be without it! (And Volume One is still available too, at $5.99 for either the print or Kindle version)

A Special Favorafter downloading the book, I'd really appreciate any reviews you'd care to post on Amazon. Amazon promotes (or demotes) books based on their popularity and reviews, so it really makes a huge difference. And reviews can be short and sweet - just a sentence or two! But please don't mention politics in your reviews - Johnny's got enough problems already!

Please feel free to share this link to the free Kindle book with family, friends, on social media, or with whomever is in the hospital bed next to yours - but remember, this 4th of July freebie is only available Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!

johnny optimism, medical, humor, sick, jokes, boy, wheelchair, doctors, hospital, stilton jarlsberg, book, free, kindle, volume two, 4th of July

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Roberts Rules of Disorder

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, supreme court, john roberts, abortion, asshole, admitting privileges

The Pro-Life movement suffered another setback on Monday, when Supreme Court Justice John Roberts sided with the court's liberal wing to strike down a Louisiana law that said abortions could only be performed by doctors who had admitting privileges at nearby hospitals.

The court's liberals, among whom we can certainly count Roberts at this point, found that the law could make it more difficult for a woman to exercise her Constitutional right to abortion (a right which we wish the court would circle with a yellow highlighter, because damned if we can find it in there). They also declared that there was "no medical benefit" for a woman getting quick hospital  treatment in case her hoo-haw was geysering blood and her own organs, rather than those of her child, were skittering across the floor.

Interestingly, an almost identical case had previously been decided by the court, and Roberts had voted that the law was just fine and shouldn't be overturned (although it still was).  Which is why it was surprising that he completely flip-flopped his vote this time, while saying that he still thought he was right the last time. He changed his vote only because precedent had already been set, and he didn't want to mess with precedent even if it means raping the Constitution a little.

Then again, rape is no big deal in a country that makes access to abortion easy by stripping away protections to make it safe.

And speaking of safe, we still aren't here in the United States of Confusion when it comes to coronavirus and  Covid-19...

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"It's okay, folks - she's a patriot!"
We've about given up hope that our nation will really be able to get this virus under control, mostly because the simple measures needed to reduce transmission have been hopelessly bungled, distorted, lied about, and politicized.

So just let us vent for a moment and share some truisms which you're free to believe or not:

• We are not starting a second viral wave. We're still near the beginning of the first wave.
• People can be entirely asymptomatic and still spread the potentially deadly virus to others (and yes, Typhoid Mary felt fine for the years she spread her illness).
• Any mask is better than no mask.
• Wearing a mask will not make you sick or cause you to hyperventilate (although fear might, so calm the heck down).
• Individual virus particles are small enough to travel through masks. Virus particles wrapped in snot and saliva - which is to say MOST of them - can not.
• If virus particles DO enter your system, the fewer you get initially, the greater the likelihood that you'll have a less severe case (starting with a lower "load" gives your body more time to gear up for the fight).
• There are no really good remedies or treatments for Covid-19 yet, although some helpful meds are being looked at.
• Of those hospitalized for Covid-19 and eventually released, as many as 50% are still suffering symptoms - including severe symptoms like chronic "10 out of 10" pain and brain injuries - which may be permanent.
• "My mask protects you, your mask protects me." This is a fact. And the only one that can possibly restore a bit of normality to our daily lives.
• "Opening up" doesn't mean it's free-for-all time again. It means SOME business can occur again if (and only if) people take the important and logical measures of wearing masks and observing social distancing.
• There is no guarantee that an effective vaccine will be found.

And there's more, but the bottom line is: put politics aside and, for now, wear a mask whenever you're mingling with other people in public. Other countries are doing it and it works. We did it here during the Spanish Flu and it worked.

Besides, keeping up to date with good pandemic procedures may be even more useful in the near future...

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Yes, those happy-go-lucky Chinese have announced that a new flu virus with "pandemic potential" has popped up and may soon be winging its way to our shores. Because while pigs can't fly, swine flu most certainly can.

This being a "new" virus, there is - again - no human immunity, and the virus has already jumped from porker to person in at least two cases.

Although if China is admitting two cases, God only knows how many people have really sprouted curly tails and are currently shnuffling amongst tree roots for truffels.

Monday, June 29, 2020

An Act of Wampum Destruction

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According to a Washington think tank (and yes, we find that oxymoron hilarious), if Joe Biden is elected as our next president, Elizabeth "Many-HaHa" Warren will be his likely choice for Treasury Secretary with primary responsibility for financial and economic policy. Leaving Joe to concentrate on giving the country a sense of direction by growing moss on his north side.

Such an assignment would be popular with young voters who would have liked Warren to be the VP candidate owing to her solid dedication to socialism, mathemagic taxation plans and, most importantly, the chance that Kate McKinnon would again play her on Saturday Night Live.

But that's not going to happen since Joe has already announced that his VP candidate must be a "woman of color" who is fully qualified and ready, at a moment's notice, to take over the job of stroking Biden's blonde leg hairs when he's sitting poolside.

At the moment, the leading contender for the position is Kamala "I'm not saying Joe is a racist, but he's a racist" Harris who, we're assured by former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown, has plenty of stroking experience.

But just how much damage could Warren do as Treasury Secretary? Plenty - as we pointed out last September:

Warren would introduce a concept she calls "accountable capitalism," which the Wall Street Journal succinctly summarizes as a plan which is "an assault on retiree wealth" which would "destroy savings built over a lifetime and sink the economy."
Think they're exaggerating? Warren wants every business in America worth $1 billion or more to be compelled to become a "federal corporation" in which 2/5 of the directors must be elected by the workers. And rather than primarily serving stockholders, these "federal" corporations would be ordered to serve "the workforce, the community, customers, the local and global environment, and contribute to the betterment of community and societal factors."

In other words, every large company in America will go belly up, taking retirement investments with them.


And there's plenty more where that came from, like Warren's multi-trillion dollar plan for "Medicare For All" which can be fully funded by taxing millionaires and billionaires "pennies" on their fortunes. All of which would, by law, have to be converted into pennies.

It's all a reminder that even if elected, Joe Biden will never be president. This vacuous, grinning shell of a man will merely be a trademark character used for branding purposes, like Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima, while the real decisions and presidential policies will be handled by a cabal of the most extreme radicals the Left has to offer. 

FROM THE VAULT...


Friday, June 26, 2020

Cape Diem

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Sometimes there's a man...we won't say a hero, 'cause what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And with apologies to the Coen Brothers and "The Big Lebowski," at this time and place, it's Pessimism Man.

Granted, like all superheroes, he just does his thing and quickly departs - for which we can all be grateful. But he paid us a visit earlier today, which sort of derailed our train of thought for anything very useful.

See, the news was already just godawful no matter what direction you look in, but at least we felt fairly secure here at home. Then, over our morning coffee, we noticed that our quiet little residential street was teeming with speeding traffic. But why? It turns out that they were all detouring from our nearest major intersection, which had been closed off after an "incident."

Specifically, there was a car crash (which didn't look too major), and a helpful police officer arrived on the scene and went to check on the occupants of the cars. The driver of the first car jumped out and stabbed him. The officer fell back, and the driver then rushed to the other car and started stabbing its driver. Lacking a Rapid Response Social Worker on scene, the officer shot the offender - who died at the scene.

We don't know the race of any of the people involved, and it wouldn't make any difference to us anyway (though it might to mobs). It was a horrible event, and the police officer acted appropriately to save a life.

With this gloomy cloud hovering our head (and an unending parade of cars roaring past our home), we at least tried to come up with a topical cartoon or two, but couldn't conjure anything which wouldn't get our house burned down.

An especially dangerous proposition when you've stockpiled as many flammable bottles of Clan MacAccelerant as we have.

Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Statuary Rape 2020

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On Monday evening, we watched the sad spectacle of radical human cockroaches swarming a statue of Andrew Jackson and attempting to topple it, just across the street from the White House. Police were eventually able to save the statue and push back the anarchists, but not before the monument had been damaged and vandalized.

There are two kinds of madness at work: that of the mob which wants to destroy anything and everything related to "history," and the madness of politicians who are doing nothing to restore law and order. Indeed, many of them are encouraging the chaos and destruction.

Remember a long time ago (or so it seems now) when all of this was allegedly about George Floyd and racial equality? Well that narrative, along with the principles Martin Luther King Jr fought and died for, has gone into the crapper.

What we're seeing is a radical push for anarchy and Marxism. What we're hearing is that only Black Lives Matter, except for the Black Lives lost to black-on-black crime and gunplay. In Chicago this past weekend, a black 3-year old boy was shot and killed. If his life mattered to the mobs, they would declare that Chicago can't continue to be a slaughterhouse for the innocent.

But they're too busy screaming "F*ck the police" to offer up actual support for black children in a war zone. And too busy toppling inanimate objects to confront actual killers, or challenge the political party which has really been guilty of systemic racism since its inception.


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FROM THE VAULT...

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Monday, June 22, 2020

A Tall Hat to Fill

In honor of Father's Day (when I'm writing this), I'd like to share several cartoons that my Dad drew many years ago. He constantly doodled cartoons just for the pleasure of it - any scrap of blank paper became his playground.

One character he returned to frequently was The Man in the Tall Hat. Why the man had a tall hat, or even who he was, never really came up. And why should it? A little absurdity does a body good.

The cartoons weren't laugh-out-loud funny, but instead were flights of gentle whimsy. A peek into my father's psyche, and his conception of the world as it should be rather than how it is.

Happy Father's Day, Pa - You are missed by many and you still make us smile.  -Stilton

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BONUS: CHICK, PLEASE...

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At a recent roundtable discussion of race, Chick-fil-A's CEO, Dan Cathy, showed that he believes actions are stronger than words. Unfortunately, the words in question were Cathy's declaration that to atone for racism, white people should literally start polishing the shoes of black people wherever they find them. Which won't be socially awkward at all, right?

To show he means business, Cathy then whipped out a shoeshine brush that he keeps in his pocket (this is called "eccentricity" when you're wealthy) and stooped to polish the sneakers of rapper Lecrae Moore - a black man who has been so oppressed by centuries of systemic racism that he currently has a net worth of only $3 million.

Humility is fine, but obsequious virtue-signaling is the opposite of humility. Moreover, Cathy's suggestion strikes us as a good way to get killed. Don't believe us? Pounce on the feet of the next black person you see, and hock up a loogie on their shoes. The odds that you'll finish giving a spit-shine are considerably lower than the likelihood you'll soon find yourself waddling to a hospital for an emergency shoebrush extraction.

Friday, June 19, 2020

Brand of Bothers

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Cultural change is in the air. Or maybe it's just the lingering smoke from burned businesses - they smell pretty much the same.

In either case, corporate America is bending over backwards to show that it's woke and not racist. Which is why Quaker Oats has announced that they're getting rid of the Aunt Jemima brand of products. Not that Aunt Jemima herself will be out of work long...

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And Aunt Jemima was only the first classic brand representative to fall. Because another familiar face will soon be missing from store shelves...

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If you didn't read comic books, don't even try to understand this one.
Of course, we want to be helpful in a time of crisis, so we're offering to let the Uncle Ben's Rice folks use this different, more contemporary design we came up with a few years ago...

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But lest anyone start thinking that problematic branding is limited only to products with black people's names on the label, we want to point out that products with white people's names on the label can be just as bad, if not even worse...

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