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Monday, April 6, 2020

Bowled Over

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coffee couple, coronavirus

Yes, the "coffee couple" we've been meeting with for ten years are back at work for your entertainment, albeit with a somewhat modified wardrobe.  How any coffee actually makes it to their lips in those suits isn't quite clear, but there's surely some benefit just from seeing friends and holding a hot cup.

On a barely related note, we created a political cartoon to run today...but then decided against posting it. Frankly, it just feels wrong to engage in partisan politics (even if we're entirely right, and the other side is entirely wrong) during a "we're all in this together" crisis. Hopefully this sentiment will spread, but even if it doesn't, it feels like the right call for now.

Instead, we'll simultaneously keep things light and focus on the matters at hand. Which is pretty much what's going on in the cartoon below...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, coronavirus, wash hands, 20 seconds

BY POPULAR REQUEST: SUPPLY AND DEMANDS

Okay, here's the cartoon that I hadn't posted. Discussion to follow:

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, socialism, masks, bernie sanders

The genesis of this cartoon is that I'm sick of hearing people on the Left claiming that the emergency funding measures being undertaken are an admission that "socialism is the answer and always has been." Wrong, wrong, wrong.  And I thought relating that to something tangible like the availability of masks (and the ability to gear up factories in a hurry) might make my point.

However, Bernie hasn't said anything like the specifics above - I was just using him as a handy (albeit pretty accurate) straw man. Which made me feel like the cartoon was sort of petty; Bernie's campaign isn't going anywhere, and the overall tenor of the cartoon has an "us against them-ism" which I'm not comfortable with right now, even though the Left is definitely not in the mood to treat this as a time for unity.

So your thoughts are welcome - was I right or wrong to have reservations about this one?

Friday, April 3, 2020

Extremely Casual Friday

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, busty ross, mask, gloves, nude

The coronavirus siege continues, and doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon (you can visit this Youtube site for the best and most accurate daily updates we've found). And although we take the matter seriously, we still refuse to take it solemnly - believing that laughter is the best medicine even if, like a ventilator, it needs to be shoved down our throats.

Which is why we're eschewing (gesundheit!) politics here except when absolutely necessary. Rather, we'll continue to post amusements, diversions, witticisms, and hilarious cartoons like this one:

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, coronavirus, peak death, peek, blindfold

Yikes! That was dark. We're starting to regret bartering with the neighbors and trading our antidepressants for toilet paper.

But on a different note entirely, our publication of a few pages from the "Spensive Gifts" parody catalog reminded us of the Johnson Smith novelty catalogs we enjoyed in our youth. Which prompted an online search and the discovery of goodies like this...


What you see above is a page from the 1938 version of the Johnson Smith catalog, which you can read online right here in its glorious 600-page entirety!

Relive the excitement surrounding the first appearance of the Whoopie Cushion! Thrill to the comic hijinks of a kid using the "Ventrillo" voice-throwing device to make an unsuspecting man say to a policeman "Hey copper, I'm gonna punch you in your big, fat nose!" Delight in unknown wonders like the crank harmonica which uses tiny player piano-style rolls of paper to give you "a jazz band in your pocket"! Marvel that there was once a time in America when kids could order actual "live baby alligators" for $1.50 (or a living 3-footer for just $6.50)! And cringe at a sprinkling of absolutely jaw-dropping items which are now career-ending, code red objects of political incorrectness!

We may well be starting a long rough patch in our country, but it's refreshing and frankly inspiring to see the kind of marvelous foolishness people were still enjoying despite the Great Depression. There's a lesson there for all of us. Albeit a fairly stupid one.


Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Spensive Gifts

During this extended period of self-isolation, it has been suggested that we all spend some time reflecting on our past and coming to new insights about who we are, deep down inside. We've done that and, based on everything in our past, determined that we've pretty much always had a screw loose...and enjoyed it!

For instance, about 30 years ago, we made a parody version of a "Spenser Gifts" catalog just because the idea tickled us. We used actual products from their pages, but substituted our own text - attempting to match the clipped and overly-enthusiastic style of the actual catalog.

Because desktop publishing wasn't really a thing back then, the original "Spensive Gifts" catalog was assembled with clipped bits of paper and a glue stick. Copies were created with a Xerox machine. And while the original catalog has disintegrated with time, the Xeroxed copies live on in all their low-rez, black and white glory.

The whole shebang is 24 pages long, and we've been toying with the idea of making it into a Kindle ebook. For now, here are three pages - let us know if you'd like to see more!


AND ONE MORE THING...


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, donners, donner party, cannibalism

Monday, March 30, 2020

Lest We Forget

We haven't discussed politics much here lately because, in these troubled times, we just wanted to give you "funny." Happily, upon looking again at the two remaining Democrat candidates for president, it turns out we can do both at the same time...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, sanders, bernie, senile, coronavirus, self-isolation

Joe Biden, looking even more washed-out and disoriented than usual, is now making political broadcasts from his home. The address of which is stitched onto every article of his clothing in case he gets out and wanders away.

Not that Old Bland Joe is out of touch with current events. In a recent appearance on "The View" (via remote video), Biden was asked if he was concerned that Trump said (of coronavirus and quarantines) "we cannot let the cure be worse than the problem itself."

Biden's stupefying answer: "We have to take care of the cure. That will make the problem worse, no matter what." After which he was hit with a tranquilizer dart and the screen went black.

And of course, Bernie Sanders is still on the cyber-campaign trail, his mood lifted by the fact that with staggering unemployment, closed businesses, and emptied supermarkets, half of his job will already be finished if he's elected.

Plus, he's got a unique perspective on our nation's health crisis...


BONUS: KNIFE KNOWING YOU

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, covid-19, donner family, donners, donner party, cannibalism

Friday, March 27, 2020

Nearer My Dog To Thee

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, penny, dog, toys, clan macgregor, quarantine

During this trying time, perhaps the best way for all of us to keep our spirits up is to do things for others. In our case, we keep draining green plastic bottles of Clan MacGregor because the empties are our dog's favorite backyard toys.

Penny (the official dog of Hope n' Change) dances with joy when she realizes there's a fresh bottle to enjoy at playtime. She then goes absolutely insane when we drop a marble inside the bottle to give it a pleasant rattle. Seriously, it's like she becomes a kangaroo on meth and her eyes bug out so far she could be mistaken for Adam Schiff.

The official Clan MacGregor Bottle Game has simple rules: we throw the bottle across the yard, Penny gives chase, then tries to inflict maximum chew-damage on the bottle until we can wrestle it away from her locked and foaming jaws. Repeat as necessary until one or more participants are completely exhausted.

For those without dogs, we can't think of any reason the game couldn't be played by substituting a spouse or child (don't even try it with cats) and ignoring what your neighbors may think. Which reminds us: we occasionally underestimate our own strength and hurl a bottle into our neighbor's back yard. We're pretty sure we find this way more amusing than they do.

And speaking of neighbors...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, quarantine, donners

As long as we're on a musical note, by popular request we're presenting another song that wasn't chosen to be in the movie "Muppets From Space."

This was to be the big happy celebration at the end, happening after (Spoiler Alert) Gonzo the Muppet is reunited with other Gonzo-ish Muppets from Outer Space, and Bruce Willis finds out he was dead the whole time. No wait, that's a different spoiler.

In any event, the song begins with some of the aliens singing about their quest to find Gonzo, after which every Muppet in the movie sings about how swell it is to be in dangerously close proximity to friends and family.

As before, the music was written, arranged, and produced by an award-winning composer whose name we're withholding for now, with the lyrics written by Stilton Jarlsberg. BONUS: Stilton also sings the part of every Muppet heard in this song, bravely putting himself in the line of fire for about a dozen copyright violation lawsuits and public derision.

And now, let's party...!

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

The Jarlsberg Diaries - Songs in Space

Who here wants to hear more about the coronavirus and political discord? Nobody, right?! Which is why I'm taking inspiration from the sainted Monty Pythons and going with "something completely different" today - another installment of "The Jarlsberg Diaries" in which I share some of the oddities of my life and career. And there have been plenty.

In this case, we're going back 20 years or so. At the time, I was involved in a number of showbiz type pursuits, songwriting being one of them. And so it was that my musical partner and I (okay, mostly him) were approached to submit spec songs for the movie "Muppets in Space." It would be a high-profile and presumably very profitable enterprise if they bought any or all of the songs we created.

For two of the demo songs, I sang the parts of all the different Muppets - probably a dozen characters. "It Takes Two to Tangle" was sung by Miss Piggy as she beat the stew out of some guy, and "It's a Party Just To Be With You" was the big blowout song for the finale. "Make it have the feeling and energy of the song 'Celebration'," the producers specified. And they knew what they wanted, because in the end they just licensed 'Celebration.'

All together, we wrote and recorded three songs to submit - none of which sold. Dammit. But in this period of involuntary retrospection, it seemed like a fun time to revisit one of them.

In the movie, a crazed alien-hunter working for the government is trying to catch Gonzo the muppet, believing him to be from Outer Space (spoiler alert: he is)...

Jeffrey Tambor's finest moment
The song we submitted is called "When I Get My Hands on You," and features the villainous alien-hunter rhapsodizing about everything he was going to do when Gonzo was finally in his clutches.

I wrote the lyrics and my grammy-winning partner wrote, arranged, and produced the music. And on this one, we used a real singer (several, actually) which is why it remains my favorite of the tracks to this day. And I hope you'll enjoy it, too!


FROM THE VAULT: HOG HEAVEN

The Democrats are treating the Covid-19 crisis as an answered prayer, cramming everything they've ever wanted into the necessary-to-pass emergency relief bill. Sadly, it's unlikely that some poor bastard fighting for breath in a hospital (or quite likely at home) will benefit much from taxpayer dollars going to boost solar and wind power, mandating new levels of "diversity" in boardrooms, or forcing new emissions standards on the already crippled flight industry.

And as long as they're holding America hostage, the Dems have also called for $300 million to go to the National Endowment for the Arts, another $300 million for (ahem) "migration assistance," and $35 million going to the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts. An institution where, ironically, they give you dirty looks for coughing during a performance.

All of which put us in mind of this cartoon from 2009. New crisis, same old Democrats...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, swine flu, democrats, pork, relief bill

Monday, March 23, 2020

Tick Tock Tic-Tacs

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, tic-tacs

The cartoon above represents the kind of wild, out-of-the-box ideas that ordinary Americans can come up with during these trying times to help make sure that our investment in Tic-Tacs stock doesn't tank any further.

Moreover, using Tic-Tacs can improve what few social interactions we have left...

donners, donner party, quarantine, self-isolation, coronavirus, covid-19, jokes, repopulate, sex

On a less comical note, we'd like to call your attention to a valuable resource from a singularly good source of information we've been paying attention to: the Peak Prosperity Home Lockdown Survival Guide.

Note that to read the whole report (which contains many useful links) you need to sign up for an account, but it's easy-peasy and doesn't cost anything. Or if you prefer to get your information in an audio/video way, here's an overall review of the survival guide from Peak Prosperity's excellent Youtube channel:


Okay, enough of that for now. We'll close today by sharing a video which we much enjoyed (granted, we have unusual tastes). What if all of the little white lies that parents tell their children in order to make them behave turned out to be true...?

Friday, March 20, 2020

Bad Rap

donners, coronavirus, covid-19, stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change
Joe Biden says, "makes sense to me."
We don't have a lot of time for today's post, owing to an avalanche of chores which have been stacking up since the Bat Soup hit the fan. For one thing, we just had to fill out our census form and it made us wonder: wouldn't it make more sense to postpone the census until next year and then just count the survivors?

We also have to attend to our retirement portfolio. Not that we can do anything to save it, but it only seems proper for us to toot out "Nearer My God to Thee" on the kazoo as it sinks out of sight.

Also complicating things is the fact that Daughter Jarlsberg moved back home last Friday ("just in the nickel dime," as the saying goes) and so we have her entire house's worth of stuff to somehow sort and incorporate into our modest home. On the plus side, having stuff strewn everywhere really adds to the post-apocalyptic chic which we expect to become popular.

We should be back to more normal posting soon. For now, have a great weekend of social distancing, and remember that our comments section is always a contagion-free zone!

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Green and Beer It

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, st. patrick's day, green beer, coronavirus

Okay, we missed St. Patrick's Day by 24 hours, but we went with the cartoon anyway because we promised the young woman in the cartoon that we could "get her into showbiz" and didn't want to disappoint her.

Having Irish blood ourself, we were disappointed that Covid-19 shut down all of the usual celebrations, but we successfully made do by watching "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" while drinking a Guinness.

All in all, not a bad day in the midst of Apocalypse. And certainly better than a friend of ours had...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, coronavirus, breath, counting, bernie sanders

Clearly someone hadn't really thought through this allegedly simple self-test, although we assume that it will still work for people who aren't Bernie Sanders supporters. And actually, we wouldn't want to bet on the accuracy of such a test, though it's not a bad thing to try anyway. Unless immediately upon finishing, you gasp in air at the same time someone is sneezing several billion virus particles at your face.

According to articles which we're too lazy to find and link to, it's folks around Lucy's age who don't seen to be getting the message about self-isolating to slow the spread of Covid-19. Many of them are aware that the mortality rate for people their age is very, very low (but not nonexistent). But it doesn't reduce their likelihood of infecting others, including grandparents who may be facing a mortality rate in the 15% range.

Hopefully, Lucy's friends will get the message and start staying home instead of going clubbing. Otherwise, the police may need to use some clubbing to get their attention.

BONUS: THAT'S ONE...SMALL STEP...FOR GROCERIES

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, covid-19, shopping, store, dogs, mask, gloves

The chaos being caused by Covid-19 was, until recently, something that we personally weren't experiencing firsthand. Well, apart from having our retirement portfolio unexpectedly throw us to the ground and giving us a Brokeback Mountain-style colonoscopy.

But yesterday, between growing reports of a possible lockdown or another wave of madness at stores, we decided we needed to get a few more items for our self-isolation time.  Uh-oh.

We'd already heard reports that, in the initial scare, our quiet, local supermarket had lines of shoppers (each with Armageddon-ready baskets of stuff) stretching to the back of the store...and there were fist fights in the aisles that police had to break up. And as an additional bonus, any of these people might be spreading coronavirus everywhere - a very special worry since folks at the Jarlsberg home are in high risk groups.

So we planned our trip to the store down to the last detail: we'd go at 10:30 pm when crowds were likely to be low, we'd have an anti-viral N95 mask and nitrile gloves, we'd have hand sanitizer in the car, and a complete change of clothing waiting just inside the door of our home so we could shed potentially contaminated garments.

Arriving at the store, we were pleased to see that the dark parking lot was sparsely populated, so decided to move ahead with the operation. Before exiting the vehicle, we donned our gloves and our mask - feeling like we were preparing to rob a bank. And - oh yeah! - in order for the mask to function properly, we'd had to shave off our magnificent white Santa beard and return to looking like a turtle with a moustache.

Entering the store, we felt terribly weird and conspicuous wearing all of this stuff. The effect wasn't helped by the fact that we were mouth-breathing and sounding like Darth Vader, and that with every exhalation our glasses fogged up from the inside. Yeah, nothing creepy about THAT.

Happily, the store had very few shoppers - although only one other person was wearing a mask. There were employees in many aisles restocking stripped shelves (not with Purell, darn it) and we drifted past them like an asthmatic ghost.

Some shelves were bare: fresh meats, anything remotely like bread, toilet paper and paper towels, hand sanitizer, cleaning wipes, etc. Various other shelves were either stripped or greatly reduced from their usual capacity. That being said, we were able to find plenty of things worth buying.

Still, the overall emotional impact was a lot more than we expected. It felt like a nightmare made real, and made worse by the knowledge that we wouldn't be waking up from this anytime soon. And while shopping, we were constantly wondering if we should buy more of this or that, just in case it wouldn't be available in the very uncertain future. Or perhaps ever. And all of this with fogging eyesight and sweat trickling inside the mask and gloves. The undercurrent of desperation was all too tangible.

During checkout, which we did at self-check to avoid having others touch our groceries, we finally struck up a conversation with another human being - a nice store employee who didn't recognize our beardless, masked face. She saw dog food and dog treats in the cart and asked about our dogs - and it was wonderful to have someone just talk about something so normal and treating us like we were normal despite our odd getup and profuse sweat.

We chatted for five minutes or so about dogs and how much we love them (and how much they love us back). She showed us a picture of her labrador retriever - a beauty who, at 16 years of age, went to dog heaven just three days before Christmas. The store employee got a little misty sharing her story, and made us promise to give ear rubs to our dogs as soon as we got home.

After nearly two hours in the store, we left - thanking all of the employees along the way for the hard work and the extended hours they were putting in for the good of others. We then loaded everything into our car's trunk, after which we oh-so-carefully removed the mask and gloves in the parking lot and dropped them into a trash can near the shopping cart corral. Entering the car, we gave ourselves a little Purell party before touching anything, then slowly drove home after midnight thinking about how real this strange new world had suddenly become.

At home, we exchanged our potentially contaminated clothes for clean ones, used lysol wipes on our shoes (including, especially, the soles), then scrubbed up like we were preparing for surgery.  Zombie-ish by this time, and emotionally drained, we wanted nothing more than to fall into bed in search of a long and dreamless sleep. So that's what we did.

Right after giving our dogs those promised ear rubs.

Monday, March 16, 2020

Debate Wipe Out

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, covid-19, sanders, biden, debate
If you're too young to get this, you're probably safe from coronavirus.
Owing to strict journalistic deadlines which can't be missed if Happy Hour is going to get started on time, we're writing this before the sure-to-be-epic debate between Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. And we're going out on a pretty sturdy-feeling limb to predict that both fossilized candidates will be losers after shouting nonsense at each other nonstop, playing to dead silence, and without other candidates on stage to give them time to catch their breath, collect their marbles, or enjoy a moment of tinkle time with their adult diapers.

We'll also go on record predicting that both men will talk about the Covid-19 pandemic, and both will assert that they could have handled the crisis much better than the Trump administration is doing. Biden will claim that the virus could be scared off by a couple of shotgun blasts in the air, while Bernie will point out that under a socialist presidency there would have been no run on toilet paper because the stores would have already had empty shelves.

BREAKING NEWS: "PATIENT ZERO" FOUND

Researchers have discovered who the first Covid-19 carrier was, and how this individual spread the illness worldwide...



PARTY TIME

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, covid-19, sanders, biden, debate, donner party, donners, self-isolation, cabin fever

Remember the Donner Party? The one that gave "surprise" parties a horrific new meaning? Well, we're bringing the Donners back in comic form to explore the strange new world of actually living in close proximity with family members as food supplies dwindle and cabin fever sets in.

Hopefully, unlike our other webcomics, we won't still be doing this one ten years from now!

Friday, March 13, 2020

Are We Having Fun Yet?


This won't be a regular post, but considering the way everything seems to be going to Hell, it's hopefully better than nothing.

We're away from our hermetically sealed office at Stilton's Place, and are currently helping daughter Jarlsberg pack up the last of her things here in Oklahoma where, apparently, it's considered the height of good manners for strangers to cough on you.

Meanwhile, we've caught just enough of the news to know that the contents of our portfolio, if cashed, will fit neatly inside a ragged sock which we can take with us when we start living under a bridge (if you see a sad-looking bum holding a sign specifically asking for a few bucks for Clan MacGregor, please give and give generously).

On the home front, we're about to be enjoying the comforts of self-isolation because, for one reason or another, everyone in the household falls into one high-risk category or another. And not just because this column regularly makes fun of Hillary Clinton.

We can't even make a fresh cartoon because we don't have the software with us. It's like a world gone mad! But just for fun, here's a blast from the past when another President was in charge of plagues and (surprise!) screwing it up...

FROM THE VAULT

obama, obama jokes, ebola, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, CDC, bus

The first case of Ebola contracted inside the United States has now been documented in Dallas, after a nurse who bravely treated "patient zero" Thomas Eric Duncan tested positive for the virus. Disconcertingly, she was infected despite wearing full protective gear (trust us, "hazmat-chic" will soon be the new fashion rage).

The Center for Disease Control quickly responded that the nurse must have been responsible for a "protocol breach," because, as every political organization knows, nothing can stand up to protocol, including hemorrhagic fever.

Barack Obama, stealing a few precious moments between fundraising, golfing, and conceding defeat in the Middle East, attempted to quell public fears by saying you can't catch Ebola "by sitting next to someone on a bus."   Which is why the CDC is suggesting a new protocol in which medical professionals will skip the hazmat suits and simply treat patients while seated next to them on a bus.

Still, these palliative measures will accomplish little unless the United States can keep additional Ebola carriers from our shores. To that end, the president has ordered Homeland Security and the TSA to upgrade their screening procedures for people entering our country. Formerly, people were simply asked if they've had contact with Ebola victims. Now, after answering "no," they will also be asked to cross their hearts - a security measure previously only used to identify potential terrorists.

To be absolutely fair, it's not Barack Obama's fault that Ebola has found its way into our country. Although it is his fault that tens of thousands of young illegal aliens have crossed the border and been squirreled off to God knows where while carrying scabies, tuberculosis, and in all likelihood the enterovirus which is (ahem) mysteriously infecting children across our nation.

And importantly, it's also his fault that in a time of medical crisis neither the "healthcare" president nor his representatives in the CDC appear to have a well-coordinated response to Ebola - or any credibility whatsoever.

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Unless, of course, there's anyone else on the bus.

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

I See a Bad Wuhan Rising

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, preparation, clam before the storm, busty ross
Please hold your applause - it gets Purell all over the theater seats.
We are indeed currently in the Clam before the Storm. By which we mean that we're doing our best to get everything ready for the fast-approaching time when we have to slam our shell shut and lay low.

The tricky nature of illnesses like Covid-19 which grow exponentially, is that they seem to be doing very little for quite awhile...after which they absolutely explode to uncontrollable levels. We're maybe two weeks away from that - which is why we've been dashing from chore to chore and store to store today to make ready to hunker down (in many stores, the shelves have already been completely cleared of hunker).

The CDC has now said that people over 60 with underlying health issues (and isn't that ALL of them?) should be avoiding the outside world. And in Italy, a modern Western country which is currently giving us a free look two weeks into our future, anyone over 65 who shows up at a hospital with coronavirus symptoms and an underlying health issue isn't even assessed or admitted. They are turned away to die...including in the hospital waiting rooms and halls.

This isn't because medical providers in Italy are insensitive dicks - it's because their hospitals are already overwhelmed, so they're only admitting patients who they might be able to save.

Here in the Jarlsberg household, we are genuinely not panicking - but we are preparing with something of a fevered glint in our eyes. We've pretty much got all the necessities (except enough Purell - how the hell did we miss that?!) and we're making some financial moves online to guard against the possibility of American dollars becoming wildly devalued if and when the government starts wildly printing money to keep the nation afloat as consumer demand dies, businesses close, and people find themselves without paychecks. (Note: the devaluation of our currency is currently an unlikely but not impossible scenario. Care to field this one in the comments, John the Econ?)

And here in the offices of Stilton's Place, all employees are being required to take appropriate precautions to reduce the risk of contagion. Damn it...

 stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, preparation, clam before the storm, busty ross
The struggle is real.
LATE BREAKING BONUS:


EARLY WARNING: It's entirely possible that we won't post on Friday. No health problems (yet), thank goodness - just a heap of chores that won't wait (hey, Burmese tiger traps don't dig themselves). We'll do our best to get something up here, but if not, be safe and for gosh sake be prepared if you're not already!

Monday, March 9, 2020

Hour National Nightmare

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, daylight saving time, biden, masks, coronavirus, sanders, lefty lucy, climate change

The cartoon above is no exaggeration. The whole "Spring forward, Fall back" nonsense not only baffles us, but it makes us feel physically ill at a time when we're trying to be alert to early signs of plague.

We've got a pretty bad case of government-induced stupor today, so we won't be trying to pull off our usual tricks with...uh...oh, what are those things?...everybody knows these, uh, things. Oh, yeah! Words! Our brain is too fogged to use words!

Which is why we're cobbling together cartoons like this one:

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, daylight saving time, biden, masks, coronavirus, sanders, lefty lucy, climate change

And sharing some DST-related goodies from the vault like these:

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, daylight saving time, biden, masks, coronavirus, sanders, lefty lucy, climate change

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, daylight saving time, biden, masks, coronavirus, sanders, lefty lucy, climate change

Okay, that more or less looks like a blog post. Now where did we put our caffeine pills...?!

Friday, March 6, 2020

Warren Peace

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, primaries, dropping out, liar, pinky promise

Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren has dropped out of the presidential race, owing to a spectacular inability to get actual primary votes - including in her own home state.

As she made her emotional announcement, Warren said "one of the hardest parts of this is all of those pinky promises (I made to) those little girls who are going to have to wait four more years." Um, wait for what? Someone to show them that a strident serial liar who can't do math can grow up to mismanage the greatest nation on Earth? Yeah...that's a real heartbreaker, Liz.

And while Warren is out of the race (Caucasian?) for now, she insists that she is going to continue making meaningful contributions to our country and planet. Mostly by standing next to highways and shedding a single tear when she sees litter.

BONUS: PLAYING THE WHORE MONICA

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, primaries, dropping out, liar, pinky promise, bill clinton, anxiety, lewinsky, hillary, rapist

In an entirely non-stunning interview (part of a documentary about Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that she's "not running for anything, wink-wink"),  former President and lifetime STD poster boy Bill Clinton has come clean (so to speak) about his infamous affair with Monica "Humidor" Lewinsky.

While many of us believed at the time that Clinton was simply a self-centered a**hole who enjoyed using, degrading, and discarding women (consensually or not), it turns out that Bill had a very compelling reason for firing mayonnaise missiles on company time: it helped "manage my anxieties."

According to the interview, Clinton says that the job made him feel "like you're staggering around, you've been in a 15 round prize fight that was extended to 30 rounds," and he looked at the infatuated young intern as "something that will take your mind off it for awhile."

Let us pause to parse what he said there (always a necessity when considering the man who questioned "what the definition of jizz is"): he viewed Lewinsky as something rather than someone. Which is why he could lie to her, bang her like a screen door in a windstorm, then have her declared a stalker and national security threat when she became a problem.

Frankly, Slick Willie's attempt to generate sympathy leaves us with (and we really, really hate to say this) a bad taste in our mouth. But we suppose there is one small upside to his Caligula-like proclivities while in the White House: since Monica's internship, the Oval Office has always been well stocked with plenty of wet wipes and potentially life-saving Purell.

Making Squirting Great Again

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

It's Later Than You Thing

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At the time of this writing, the results of Super Tuesday voting aren't yet available, but we'll go out on a limb and guess that Trump racked up a solid win on the Republican side, and that a huge majority of Democrats voted for an old white guy whose last name starts with a "B."

It's thought that Biden may make a striking resurgence (despite continuing gaffes like the one in the cartoon, in which he proved that some truths aren't "self-evident" after all) owing to the fact that other candidates have dropped out of the race and thrown their support behind Biden. Not because Biden has anything good to offer, but because old school Democrats will do anything to stop Bernie Sanders.

Sanders supporters are, of course, livid about this - with the memory of the DNC in general, and Hillary Clinton in particular, using every dirty trick in the book to steal the nomination from Bernie last time. His supporters are particularly upset because a 100-year-old Bernie will be too old to run again in 2024. Granted, Sanders won't actually be 100, but if these nimrods could do simple math they wouldn't be Bernie Sanders supporters, would they?

ALSO IN THE NEWS

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Longtime liberal pain-in-the-butt Chris Matthews has abruptly retired from MSNBC, although reports suggest that if he hadn't resigned, he would have been fired.

The (ahem) "opinion journalist" who was famous for getting a "thrill up my leg" and "a slight tingling in my left nut" when listening to Obama speak was allegedly on the outs with MSNBC management for being "insensitive" when doing things like comparing Bernie Sanders' win in the Nevada caucuses to the Nazi invasion of France in World War II. Apparently, only Republicans are allowed to be compared to Nazis on the alleged news outlet.

Matthews also admitted to having been inadvertently and unintentionally insensitive to women over the years, having made "compliments on a woman's appearance that some men, including me, might have once incorrectly thought were OK." Because it turns out that, no matter how complimentary and positive, you can't pair any descriptive adjective with the word "knockers" anymore and get away with it.

NOT SO FOND FAREWELL



Monday, March 2, 2020

A Feather in his Crap

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, primary, south carolina, super tuesday, ducks, black vote, quack vote

On the eve of Super Tuesday (which, when it's wearing glasses and working at the Daily Planet, everyone assumes is just a mild-mannered regular Tuesday), the shape of the Democratic race for the presidential nomination has changed dramatically.

For starters, billionaire and alleged candidate Tom Steyer has dropped out of the race, stunning voters from coast to coast who had no idea he was ever in the race. Even more of a shock was this announcement on Sunday...

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No, we're NOT proud of this cartoon. Thanks for asking!
These dramatic developments resulted largely from Joe Biden's massive (and first in his lifetime) primary win in South Carolina, where he captured the all-important black vote by repeatedly pointing out that, unlike Bernie Sanders, he was not a Jew.

While this seems to give new momentum to Biden's campaign, the victory wasn't really all that important according to 27,000 primetime television ads paid for by Mike Bloomberg. And we certainly shouldn't count Elizabeth Warren out yet because, while she hasn't got a chance in Hell, we feel bad about our nation's sad history of stealing land from her people and giving them smallpox with infected blankets.

So we should all keep our eyes on the Super Tuesday races. Because between the spread of Covid-19 and Wall Street doing a spot-on "Oh, the humanity!" impression of the Hindenburg, we can all use a really good laugh.

Friday, February 28, 2020

Weed The People

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, democrats, debate, sanders, racist, minorities, marijuana

One of the most jaw-dropping moments of Wednesday's wildly out of control Democratic debate occurred when frontrunner Bernie Sanders managed to display both his misunderstanding of capitalism and his casual racism in a single statement.

Specifically, Bernie proclaimed that "we're going to provide help to the African-American, Latino, and Native American community to start businesses to sell legal marijuana." Because, in Bernie's view, what the hell else are "those people" qualified to do? It's not like they can aspire to be doctors, electricians, lawyers, plumbers, teachers, computer programmers, or senators - right?

Plus, what red-blooded American won't be thrilled to cast a vote for the one candidate with a real plan to finally end our nation's sad shortage of drug dealers?

Shockingly, but unsurprisingly, no other Democratic candidate on the debate stage voiced any opposition to Sanders' ludicrous and offensive statement. Apparently the party which wants to perpetually keep black Americans on a plantation doesn't care that there's not much difference between picking cotton or cannabis.

BONUS: DON'T FORGET YOUR MASK

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For those unfamiliar with the vernacular, a "beard" was a woman who married a gay man in order to help him pass as straight. And if she was really good at her job, she'd also keep the guy from looking like a complete daffodil when choosing bike helmets. Not that we're implying anything about the Obamas, of course.

Especially since the real point of the cartoon is the CDC's potentially life-saving announcement that men need to shave off their beards in order to get a good seal on the antiviral masks which may, or may not, help them avoid becoming infected with the soon-to-be-out-of-control coronavirus.

And while we don't yet have tremendous confidence in the CDC's ability to handle the crisis, we will admit that we were impressed by the highly detailed beard chart they created at taxpayer expense:


Seriously, who knew that facial hair came in styles called the French Fork, Chin Curtain, Balbo, Hulihee, Horseshoe, and Lampshade? And who the Hell do they think they're fooling by renaming the "Hitler" as the "Toothbrush"?!

Personally, we sport a wild and abundant ruff of white whiskers. A look which, in December, people fondly call the "Father Christmas" and the other eleven months of the year call the "creepy derelict." But the sad bottom line is that we're likely in for a close shave soon, and that "Locks of Love" will be wholly uninterested in a donation of our face pubes.

BONUS: NO WAIT, WE MEANT "BONE US"

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We have never felt closer in spirit to Ned Beatty's character in "Deliverance" than when we looked at our weeping, dirt-smeared retirement investments on Thursday as they attempted to pull up their torn tighty whities.

We've been prudently stockpiling food, water, medications and more...but apparently we severely underestimated our need for the Costco-sized drum of KY Jelly.

Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Muh, Muh, Muh, My Corona

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, coronavirus, covid-19, pandemic, prepare

Today we're putting politics aside to speak about a genuinely serious issue: the continuing spread of Covid-19 (which we'll also call coronavirus, like everyone else does). First and foremost, we want to emphasize that this is not the time to panic!

(ding!)

Okay, now it's time! Well, not to actually panic - but to take the whole situation seriously enough that you start making some preparations while it's still easy to do so. But first, let's define what we're likely preparing for: not the apocalypse, not zombies walking in the streets, and not the collapse of society. No, those are the things that will happen if Bernie Sanders becomes president.

And here's some good news: even if you get the virus, the odds are wildly in favor of you surviving it. At least, the first time you get it (the next time may cause heart failure, because why the hell not?). But up to 20% of people will get pneumonia which may require hospital treatment, and 3% or more will Bite the Big One which, surprisingly, is not Pete Buttigieg's campaign slogan.

Now here's the bad news: it's a virtual certainty at this point that the virus cannot be contained, and it will be coming to your community. And it's a tricky little bastard! Covid-19 is wildly infectious and can be transmitted from touching infected surfaces or even breathing virus-contaminated air. The virus can be spread by people who are entirely asymptomatic, meaning that they will look, feel, and believe themselves to be healthy as they happily spread an illness which has a 1 in 33 chance of killing the people they interact with. Which also means that you could personally become a "spreader" without knowing it initially, because the virus can remain dormant (but infectious) for up to 24 days (don't believe the 14 day number you've heard - it's wrong, and a lot of people are being released from quarantine way too soon).

Hopefully, effective treatments and even a vaccine will become available - but don't bet on that happening before you suddenly find yourself in a "hot zone" (as is happening in more and more places worldwide. Imagine the surprise Italian villagers felt when they suddenly found their roads blocked by armed soldiers). Rather, we're all likely to be faced with an extended time in which social isolation (voluntary or compulsory) and supply chain disruption (seen the stock market the last couple of days? Yowsah!) is an uncomfortable new norm.

Which is why we're recommending that you (yes you!) lay in some supplies now which could get you through 2-4 weeks. We're assuming that regular utilities will continue to function, so we're really talking about food, emergency medical supplies, stocking up on prescription medications, toilet paper, paper towels and such. Bleach, cleaning wipes, and Purell will come in handy, too.

And booze. Lots of booze. Clan MacGregor, for instance, can be used to disinfect surfaces or as a germicidal to cleanse wounds. And, in event of a real emergency, you can even drink it!

And that's about all we're going to say about Covid-19 for now, because if we haven't convinced you yet to lay in at least a few supplies, we're not likely to change your mind. We will, however, point you to one of the online sources of information we've been following, which has proved accurate, ahead of the curve, and neither falsely inflammatory nor comforting in their daily updates over the past weeks:


Be safe out there, folks! And take comfort from the fact that large gatherings of people (like political conventions) are likely to soon fall out of fashion.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I reserve the right to be wrong - and in this case, I hope I am!

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE

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Readers of this blog will recognize the name of young Lucas Hembree, a terminally ill boy who we've followed online for years, and who has received donations from some of you generous folks. We have a simple request which can make a big impact on the Hembree family.

Lucas is about to have his 13th birthday...an age doctors didn't think he'd reach. And to celebrate, his parents are hoping that they'll get a lot of birthday cards. Cards that Lucas can enjoy on his special day, and which will eventually be a comforting family memorial. You can read a full newspaper story about it here. 

Lucas isn't really verbal at this point, so cards with fun, colorful pictures are best, as are those which make sounds. (Helpful hint: you can get absolutely fine cards at your local dollar store)

Please send cards to:
Lucas Hembree
1454 Mimosa Drive
Louisville, TN 37777

BONUS: FROM THE VAULT

Since we've been a bit light on humor today, we thought we'd revisit this cartoon from a previous disease scare...


Monday, February 24, 2020

Feeling the Bernski

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, sanders, trump, russia, interference, nevada, dick van dyke, endorsement
For once, we can't fault his logic
A couple of funny things happened recently, just after the mainstream media's latest round of unsubstantiated accusations that Russia is interfering in our election process by (ahem) "again" supporting Donald Trump.

First, it turned out that Russia is actually interfering by trying to help Bernie Sanders' campaign. Second, Bernie had a surprisingly (indeed, almost suspiciously) large primary win in Nevada thanks to a large plurality of vodka-scented voters.

Of course, the mainstream media is now calling Bernie's win a fake and a fraud, and American intelligence agencies are planting spies in the Sanders' campaign team and opening multiple investigations with an eye towards prison sentences for Comrade Bernie and all of his co-conspirators.

Just kidding! That's what was done to Donald Trump! Instead, Bernie's campaign was politely informed of the possible Russian interference (a courtesy never extended to Trump), after which Bernie blustered publicly that he doesn't want that kind of help and that there will be "big trouble" if the Russians don't cut it out "right after election day."

In other Sanders-related news, once again there's proof of the old political adage: "As goes Danny DeVito, so goes Dick Van Dyke." The beloved (and that definitely includes our feelings for him) 94 year old comic actor has recently been featured in a Youtube campaign ad to address concerns about the wild-haired socialist's advanced age...

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Oh, Rob...!
The ad was a little vague about what exactly Bernie will do for people in Mr. Van Dyke's age bracket, but it is thought that in lieu of actual healthcare, President Sanders will send caseworkers to the homes of oldsters "to move those damn ottomans that are so easy to trip over."