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Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Don't Fire Until You See The Whites

Well, here we are on the historically significant Last Day of Freedom in America, and gosh - hasn't it been fun? Seriously, we've had a great run and we'll all have some great memories. Memories only, though, because all of our written records and photos of the past will have to be turned over to the Bureau of Historical Accuracy for ecologically-sound destruction. 

It wasn't really our goal at Stilton's Place to present today's transition of power as apocalyptic, which is why we originally prepared this fairly innocent cartoon playfully jabbing the man we will never, ever personally call president...

STILTON’S PLACE, STILTON, POLITICAL, HUMOR, CONSERVATIVE, CARTOONS, JOKES, HOPE N’ CHANGE, biden, inauguration, national guard, travesty, fascism, BLM, antifa, Now we're fucked

But then we started hearing more and more things about the upcoming Biden administration's plans, seeing  extremely troubling things in the streets, and hearing from politicians, celebrities, and liberal mouth-breathers that the time is right for fascism and retribution against those low-life flyover Constitution-clutching deplorables and cult members who have seen the American Dream as something more than just a Marxist nightmare.

So we upgraded the cartoon to more accurately reflect our feelings about this unhappy day...

STILTON’S PLACE, STILTON, POLITICAL, HUMOR, CONSERVATIVE, CARTOONS, JOKES, HOPE N’ CHANGE, biden, inauguration, national guard, travesty, fascism, BLM, antifa

There's a long litany of reasons we're feeling so ramped up today. And rather than try to make a cohesive whole out of the entire mess, let us just share some random points:

• Our nation's capitol has been ringed with walls topped with razor wire, and 26,000 National Guard troops have been brought to Washington DC (from all 50 states - for the symbolism, don't you know) in order to shoot other Americans if they act like BLM or Antifa but are carrying American flags.

• Muriel Bowser, the mayor of Washington, DC who didn't want National Guard troops to quell BLM/Antifa's violent acts of insurrection all summer, just recently requested that the troops now stationed in her city be issued machine guns so that they could mow down more Americans. The National Guard told her that this would be inappropriate, but the whole incident certainly tells you where these bloodthirsty fascists' heads are at. 

• Fun trivia note: do you recall that in 2017, there was rioting, looting, arson, and injuries in the streets of Washington DC as people "protested" Trump's inauguration?  And celebrities telling crowds that they should march right over to the White House and set it ablaze? But that, of course, wasn't insurrection - it was just the liberals' standard use of Freedom of Screech.

• We would never have thought that a picture of the American flag could make us sick to our stomach, but we were wrong. This is that picture...


This is the national mall, where 200,000 American flags have been planted to symbolically represent all of the people who would like to show up and kneel before the new king, but can't because A) no one really gives a flying crap about Biden's inauguration and if they did B) the National Guard might shoot them out of an abundance of caution.

So now we've got an imaginary crowd of "supporters," which is actually a beautifully ironic depiction of the imaginary voters who made this day possible. So yeah...looking at this picture makes us want to hurl.

• Hillary Clinton has made the news by demanding a "9/11-style commission" to investigate whether Donald Trump was actively on the phone with Vladimir Putin, doing a play-by-play report of the Russian-backed insurrectionist riot which, terrifyingly, allowed a whackjob wearing clown paint and a buffalo horn helmet to joke around with a police officer in a largely empty Senate chamber room. That guy, by the way, is looking at 25 years in the slammer because, while he didn't actually do much of anything other than looking photogenic, a judge has decided his distinctive appearance made him a symbol of the (ahem) "insurrection," and the culprit therefore needs a very harsh sentence as a warning to the rabble.

• Remember the good old days when you'd never heard of Wuhan? Well, today may be the last day you hadn't heard of the city of Manaus in Brazil. They're currently drowning in Covid cases which appear to be a new mutation of the virus currently kicking the world's ass. This one is thought to be more contagious, more deadly, and doesn't appear to be deterred by any of our current generation of Covid vaccines. Fortunately, Biden has been claiming forever that he could have handled a viral pandemic better than Trump - and it looks like he may get the chance to prove it. (Spoiler alert: lockdowns galore!)

• An NPR lawyer got the boot when it was revealed that he thought Trump voters should have their kids taken away from them, after which the children would be raised in government re-education camps "with a lot of Sesame Street" to cleanse the children of their parents' sick beliefs. And yes, this is the same NPR that actually fired Fox News' Juan Williams for being a racist. So that's a pretty good indication of what radical screwballs are in charge over there.

• Katie Couric (soon to be a temporary Jeopardy! host who we hope will be universally boycotted) is seriously calling for mandatory "deprogramming" of people in the Trump "cult." Hint: if you're reading this blog, you're considered a cult member.  

• There are serious calls to take Fox News off the air, and it's no secret that big tech is gutting other means for conservatives to get anything like accurate news or have conversations with each other.

• Because this blog post is already running long, we'll summarize the fact that Joe Biden has already pretty much promised that in his "first 100 days" (if he lasts that long), he'll use executive powers to destroy every accomplishment of President Trump's that made America a success in the last four years. Energy policies which will kill our energy independence and send energy costs soaring, getting back in bed with Iran to help them build their "Death to America" nuclear missiles, opening our borders to millions upon millions more illegal immigrants (all of whom - citizens or not - deserve governmental representation when drawing up new Democratic districts for House seats), killing the Keystone XL pipeline for no rational reason at all, rejoining the Paris Climate Accord so that we will be compelled to cut down on our efficient energy use while China is free to stink up the world's atmosphere while building cheap crap to finish off the American economy. And more, and more, and more.

This is a singularly unhappy day (even if nothing untoward and/or staged happens to make things worse) which quite possibly marks the end of a lot of things and institutions we took for granted. Free and fair elections? Nope. A Constitutional basis for laws and protection of freedoms? Not after the Dems pack a hand-picked Supreme Court with as many members as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

So drink 'em if you got 'em, folks, and remember to fly your American flags upside down until things get better...if ever. And should we ever find ourselves in re-education camps, here's the code phrase we can use to recognize each other: "What I miss most in this gulag is a good piece of cheese - like a Stilton!" To this, you must answer "Say, that's my friend MacGregor's favorite cheese!"

IMPORTANT NOTE: If a hot Red Cross nurse delivering care packages shows up, and if she looks like Busty Ross, be sure to use the code phrase. That way you'll get one of the "special" boxes with escape contraband and a tiny little bottle of bad scotch.

WE NEED HUMOR! STAT!

Since all of the above is pretty depressing, we thought it only fair to close today with a nice stupid joke which has nothing to do with politics. This gag popped into our head after a lovely grilled steak lunch, and once an idea like that happens it's easiest to just cobble the darn thing together with clip art so we can then move on with the rest of our life. Hey, it's a system...

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MORE HUMOR! QUICK!

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BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY...

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Monday, January 18, 2021

Got MLK?

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Martin Luther King Jr once said that he had "been to the mountaintop." Were he still here today, we think he'd likely be thinking of jumping off of it.

We are within days of inaugurating a new whiter-than-white president who spent decades fighting against the kind of school integration which would create (in his words) a "racial jungle" for his children, hobnobbed with segregationists and KKK members, and still expresses slack-jawed wonder that a black man can be "articulate and clean."

And for good measure, we'll be swearing in (or at) a vice-president who not only called the next president a racist, but also said that the whole Democrat party was racist for not voting for her in the primaries. So the good news for Dr. King, we guess, is that in 2021 a lot of people have forgotten what the hell racism even is.

Of course, that's not all that people have forgotten. Joe Biden actually declared that Martin Luther King Jr's assassination wasn't as big a deal as George Floyd's death. Imagine the racial peace our nation could now be enjoying if only Dr. King had the foresight to knock himself off with a fentanyl overdose in 1968.

But maybe Joe Biden is right and Martin Luther King Jr's dream is no longer a good fit for today's world. After all, these days you damn well don't want to judge a person by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin. And Dr. King's message of non-violence has been actively discarded by BLM, as evidenced by 28 "not so mostly-peaceful" rioters in Detroit who just had all their charges dismissed by a black judge because, well, because he could.

Sadly, at this point it seems that the most enduring legacy of Martin Luther King is that there will be no mail today. Although on the bright side, that will at least slow the tsunami of perfectly legitimate absentee ballots still pouring in for Joe Biden.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Nationally Guarded

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Say what you will about the Democrats, but you definitely can't accuse them of being too rigid when it comes to policy. For instance, all summer we heard from Democrats that you definitely should never, ever send the National Guard into areas where demonstrations are likely to take place, because you'll only "inflame things" and increase the risk of violence. And nobody wants that, right?!

Still, the Dems have subsequently decided that it's a good idea to deploy 20,000 armed National Guard troops in Washington to help assure that the rabble neither speak up about President Trump's "Impeachment of the Week," nor do anything to disrupt the coronation of the Most Popular Presidential Candidate Who Ever Lived.

And while we certainly don't want to plant any unsettling conspiracy theories in the minds (and we use the term loosely) of Democrats, ask yourself this: could anyone really expect to overthrow the government using a small mob of yahoos wearing buffalo helmets, or would such a plan require about 20,000 trained, armed fighters who had sworn an oath to protect the Constitution? And if some clever strategist wanted those troops in Washington on January 20th, wouldn't it be clever to trick the Democrats into just asking for them to come?

But of course, this is very unlikely to be the case, and the Democrats definitely shouldn't worry about it. Much.

FROM THE VAULT

With the big tech companies cutting off services to conservative enterprises, many of us are now wondering if we should reconsider the usefulness of installing our data on private servers. This would keep things safe from prying eyes, and apparently it's easy enough to do that even a completely crooked elderly woman can handle it...

(3/6/15)

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When it comes to the Clintons, you never know which scandals will stick and which will miraculously disappear because of the deal they made with Satan when selling their tattered souls. That being said, Hillary's metastasizing email scandal seems to have the potential to derail her presidential aspirations - and perhaps incur criminal charges.

It seems that when Hillary became Secretary of State, she immediately set up a private email server in her home and conducted all of her official business (and quite likely monkey business) on that computer email system rather than the cyber-secure government system which is required by federal law.

After a two day silence on the subject, Hillary eventually tweeted that she really, truly wants America to see her emails, and State Department spokes-hipster Marie "Jobs For ISIS" Harf has confirmed that this will absolutely happen. You know, eventually.

The problem is, the State Department doesn't have (and never has had) all of Mrs. Clinton's emails - it only has the ones which Hillary's personal staffers chose to give them.

Apparently, a lot of people in high places (perhaps even a certain president?) were aware of and comfortable with this clear violation of law and (oh yeah!) putting classified communications at risk for the sole purpose of protecting Hillary's obsessive political aspirations.

Now that her private email system has been discovered, Hope n' Change would like to suggest that Mrs. Clinton go back and review the many unread messages in her spam folder.

Maybe that's where Ambassador Chris Stevens' requests for help in Benghazi ended up.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

The Right To Remain Silenced

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What with ideological purity tests heading our way (with judgment and sentencing to be dispensed by Amazon, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Citibank, and many more), this is a good time to be boning up on articles of Progressive catechism that you can use to bluff your way out of a firing squad (the only use of a wall that liberals actually approve of).

Because the things that liberals believe aren't necessarily logical, it's best just to memorize this stuff rather than trying to think about it when you're on the spot. For one thing, if you're caught "thinking" you're already screwed. So remember, when posing as a progressive:

• You sure as hell don't want impoverished black kids to have school choice, because that might put crappity-ass union teachers out of work. 

• You believe, even on Martin Luther King Day, that it is our duty to judge people on the basis of their skin rather than the content of their character.

• Everyone needs a free college education before landing a minimum-wage job that, by law, should pay enough to raise a family of six in exquisite comfort.

• Rich people didn't earn their money. And it's not even their money - it's yours! All of it! Also, the gold in their fillings!

• Using a second square of toilet paper will cause the end of the world.

• 12-year-olds should definitely get to vote. Or really, children of any age who can recognize the letter "D."

• Fossil fuels are bad because they come from dinosaurs WHO KILLED PEOPLE so it's pretty damn obvious that their fermented juice wants to kill us, too.

• Nobody actually knows their own gender or anyone else's. Don't ask, don't tell, don't assume, don't look, don't look away. If something wants to have sex with you, you're a bigot unless you say yes.

• Human fetuses are NOT people and NOT alive so they're technically okay for vegans to eat.

If you're asked any questions not covered by this list, just start to giggle and claim that your "mind is kinda blown because I just smoked some sweet, sweet weed," then invite your inquisitors to join you in a hunt for some bitchin' pizza or doughnuts or something. Odds are they'll go with you.

DOUBLE INDIGNITY

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In theory, today is the day that Nancy Pelosi and the House Dems will once again file articles of impeachment against Donald Trump. He is accused of causing riots, violence, and death by making incendiary political remarks which, being the tools long used by the Democrats (especially in 2020), represents a potentially significant copyright infringement.

While many Americans wonder what the Big Honkin' Deal is, what with President Trump clearly innocent of the named charges and already out the door in a few days, it turns out that there are little-known ramifications of a kind never before seen in American political history. Ramifications known only to Constitutional scholars and, in our case, day-drinkers.

Because if a President is impeached twice and convicted, his name and visage is to be stricken from all public records, and the original opposing candidate - Hillary Clinton, in this case - will be digitally inserted into the history books...

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Biden & Harris would still take office as scheduled (by the Chinese), but Mrs. Clinton would at least have an imaginary term on paper and in the digital cloud. And this would be a pretty sweet deal for Hillary who, besides becoming the first woman president, would also be able to take credit for a wildly revitalized economy, a term with no new wars, and such remarkable foreign policy successes that Nobel Peace Prize nominations have been stacking up.

President Hillary would also be heralded for having rebuilt the military, restored American jobs, and bringing unparalleled improvement to every metric of the lives of minorities and the working class. And when the going got tough when a pandemic hit, it was digitally-inserted Hillary who bravely and presciently shut down our nation's borders and instituted a vaccine-development program which would produce successful results on a timetable that every expert said would be impossible. All accomplishments that the Democrats will lustily cheer as historic successes for their party.

Yes, that Hillary Clinton was one hell of a virtual president alright. 

Monday, January 11, 2021

Thanks, 2021!

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Well THAT didn't take long

So here we are, at the dawn of (as the Chinese curse goes) an interesting time. Social media and big tech are coming down hard on Conservatives to make sure they can't continue using that dangerous "Freedom of Speech" thing, and there no longer seems to be any limit - any - on the Leftists' demands to remake our country to their liking. In fact, the only thing currently protecting Conservatives is the Left's inability to figure out how to send us all to the ovens without creating billowing clouds of polar bear-threatening carbon emissions.

And it's no wonder the Leftists are so angry, considering that the Constitution still (albeit temporarily) allows human monsters to write horrible things like this:

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So what does all of this mean for Stilton's Place? Frankly, we're not sure yet. While we hope it doesn't happen, it's entirely possible that this site (and its predecessor) could be made to disappear with the flick of a switch. 

So before that happens, make sure you've added your current contact information to our email list (just click on the giant words "CLICK HERE!" near the top of the left column. Or do it here, for that matter). Do this today. Right now. That way, we can still be in touch if things go sideways here in 1984-land. And your information is always 100% safe with us: we never spam, and we'll never, ever give up your information

And just so you know how serious we are about that, at all times we keep a small, tooth-colored pill concealed between our cheek and gums. Should we face brutal interrogation, we'll crack that pill with our teeth and then... Well, seeing as how the pill is just a Tic-Tac, our tormentors will get a forceful blast of peppermint-fresh breath as we tell them to get stuffed.

We're also archiving everything from Hope n' Change and Stilton's Place in convenient PDF form, and will soon be posting and/or emailing links where you can download ("for fwee," as Kamala might say) all 12 years of tasty conservative comedy and commentary to enjoy when you're quietly hiding in your attic from the Woke Gestapo.

And hey, even if they hear you laughing up there, they won't come up - they're scared of spiders.

Friday, January 8, 2021

Unfriendly Fire

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Ashli Babbitt was 35 years old when she was murdered in Washington, DC. She was shot down by "law enforcement" for being in the wrong place at a very wrong time. She was unarmed, not threatening anyone, and she wasn't even specifically targeted by the shooter, who simply fired through a door (as Joe Biden recommends we all do) into a crowd of people. 

Ashli Babbitt was a 14-year veteran of the US Air Force, and had served four foreign military tours, including to Iraq and Afghanistan. She was a Trump supporter who believed that the November presidential election was fraud-ridden and deserved a real investigation. But no such investigation was going to happen because the powers-that-be didn't want it. Not Democrats, not Republicans, not the Supreme Court, and certainly not the media.

And so Ashli was among the hundreds of thousands of Americans who came to Washington to protest on January 6th. Not to commit the acts of violence, looting, and destruction that have swept our nation over the past year (to the unanimous praise of those on the Left), but rather to carry a simple message to the power elite: "We deserve to be heard." And that message got her executed in "the people's house."

To hear the media tell it, a bloody revolution attempt took place in the streets and corridors of Washington DC on that day. Those on the Left claim to be horrified at the indiscriminate violence which resulted in...some broken windows. Although, unlike when the Left is "demonstrating," once those windows were broken, no molotov cocktails were thrown through them.

Ashli Babbitt went to Washington for all of us who believe that the election was a fraud and a farce, and who want nothing other than a rigorous investigation to determine if America still has free elections. She died in that pursuit, and this honored military veteran is already being demonized by the history-spinners as a rioter, terrorist, and traitor. No mayor will paint "HER LIFE MATTERED" in the streets of Washington DC.

She deserves better. Although we find the comparison distasteful, Ashli Babbitt should become the Right's new "George Floyd." Albeit not someone with a criminal history who died clumsily by their own hand out of a fondness for street drugs, but someone who died fulfilling an oath she once took to protect the Constitution of the United States.

----------

UPDATE: Subsequent to writing the above, I've learned of the deaths of two law enforcement officers involved in this disastrous fracas. Their loss is tragic and reprehensible. That being said, I personally believe that the deliberate violence was instigated by planted operatives from the far left. Do I have proof? No, and I don't expect any to be forthcoming. But I know how "their side" and "our side" have acted in the past. I have no doubt that 99% of the protestors were peaceful patriots. Sadly, that's not what the history books are going to say.

----------

On a personal note, I have to confess that this is a very confusing and unpleasant time. When I look at my personal Facebook feed, I see my "friends" declaring outrage and revulsion at an "attempted violent coup." They don't seem to have noticed that much of the violence was perpetrated against the demonstrators, nor have they accounted for the fact that this "revolution" ended when all of the protestors peacefully went home, rather than taking a celebratory looting lap of local stores or setting police cars (and officers) on fire.

I don't hate these people. I know them to be good and well-intended (and yes, I know where that road leads) - but they accept all of the media's lies unblinkingly, voracious in their desire to hate and to thereby feel good about themselves. And I'm not happy about the fact that I have to wonder if these people are actually still my friends at all. Should they learn my political leanings, they would cut me out of their lives in a heartbeat - not because of who I am, but because of what they've been told they should believe about who I am. And in my own mind, I still think of these people as friends even though their misguided beliefs are as odious as any which ever allowed a fascist regime to rise to power. They are my "friends" because I still choose to think of them that way while hoping (but not holding my breath) for their eventual enlightenment.

Right now, there is no source of news I fully trust. None. There are individuals in the media whom I still believe to be honest, but even they have to interpret information that may or may not be true.

And it's weighing on me that we're heading into a very tough four years...or longer. I'm not optimistic about midterms, or any other election unless there's a true reckoning over the abuses of this past election cycle. A supermajority of Dems is about to embark on the most radical shift in America's course that we've ever seen. Freedoms will fall, economies will falter, and "thoughtcrime" will be severely punished. Which is particularly threatening to those of us who just can't seem to give up the habit of thinking.

That being said, all is not lost.

Over 70 million Americans voted to continue the progress made during the Trump administration. Progress that lifted every race, gender, faith, and economic class. Those people still want what's best for America and Americans...all Americans. And a majority of these people believe that the election was stolen.

These tens of millions of people will peacefully do everything in their power to right the wrongs being visited upon us. How best to do that remains to be seen, but even as the Tea Party bloomed into spontaneous (and politically effective) life, so will a new movement. Which I, personally, can't wait to join.

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Ross To Judgment

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No fake news here. Or fake anything else.

Granted, the "biggest news day of the year" doesn't mean quite as much when you're only 6 days into the new year. Still, something interesting surely happened in the Georgia runoff elections (I'm writing this on Tuesday afternoon), and something else interesting will happen Wednesday as the electoral vote process either comes to a close or (as is my hope) blown sky high.

And even if I had a crystal ball, I couldn't talk much about either scenario because my carpal tunnel is still afflicting my left hand and I just can't write much. But I'm sure we'll have plenty to talk about in the comments section! I'll be there - albeit mostly quiet except when I'm crunching ibuprofen tablets.

FROM THE VAULT...

Just to fill a bit of additional space, here's a cartoon dating back to when Democrats hated the electoral college.

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Run, forest, run!

Monday, January 4, 2021

2020 Strikes Back!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, carpal tunnel
"Ow!"

Well, I've got to hand it to 2020 (pun to be explained). After spending multiple days working on the lengthy three part review of the past year, the dying-but-still-dangerous year has gifted me with a flare-up of carpal tunnel syndrome which doesn't allow me more than a couple of minutes at a time at the keyboard.

So I'm taking the day off for a bit of reluctant healing, my left hand and wrist tightly bound by a brace which, as nearly as I can tell, was cobbled together from flesh-colored spandex, velcro bondage straps, and a shoe horn suffering from peyronie's disease.

The comments section is open, of course, and I'll be lurking there - albeit not able to write much for a bit. Damn you, 2020!  -Stilton

Friday, January 1, 2021

2020: The Year In Rebuke - Part Three

Welcome back to another heaping helping of the seemingly endless misery that was the year 2020! According to the number of empty scotch bottles here on our desktop, we've apparently arrived at...

SEPTEMBER

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Casting subtlety to the wind, Antifa/BLM just flat out started murdering people in cold blood...and cheering about it. Which no one on the Left really criticized, other than to say the violence was the fault of Trump supporters because they're just so damn fun to kill.

Not that killing was on everyone's mind...


President Trump, the creator of a so-called "climate of hate," was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize owing to his diplomatic work in the Middle East and North Korea, scaling down current wars, and keeping the largest military power on Earth (us!) from getting involved in any new wars.  Sure, all of that wasn't quite as impressive as Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize-winning accomplishment of simultaneously being Black and having well-creased pants, but still...not bad for a White guy.

In the face of this accomplishment, Joe Biden's camp had to double down on his strong points...

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So Basement Joe Biden was definitely still in the game, but it wasn't the only game in town...

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Okay, we just made this up after watching the tortuous pre-game racial lecturing and singing of a new Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice in Song, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah," before whatever the hell NFL game it was that particular Sunday. 

As awful as it was, the event was apparently the last entry on a certain person's long, long bucket list...

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg died at age 87, after which those on the Left declared that a "most fervent wish" or "final wish" should take precedence over all other pesky legal considerations like the Constitution. Unsurprisingly, President Trump didn't agree, and quickly nominated a replacement to fill Ginsburg's teeny tiny seat on the Supreme Court... 

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Amy Coney Barrett was such a superb nominee that the Democrats had to resort to new lows to criticize her. She was asked if she had sexually harassed anyone, after which Democrats attacked her for having adopted two black children from Haiti, saying "transracial adoption is fraught with trauma and potential for harm." And they may have had a point: just look at the sad case of the small black boy who was raised by privileged white people instead of his biological parents and grew up, tragically, to be Barack Obama.

But this contentious fight was sidelined when Joe Biden and President Trump finally met on the debate stage...

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Hey, get an Oval Office you two!

Just kidding. The "debate" really consisted of the two men shouting spit-flecked insults at each other while alleged moderator Chris Wallace stammered, sipped vodka, and eventually just gave up and played solitaire.

Annoyed at being elbowed out of the news, Covid-19 decided to grab headlines in...

OCTOBER

Donald Trump and many other Washington notables came down with Covid-19, which was likely contracted during the President's surprisingly maskless event announcing Amy Comey Barret's nomination. But was it truly contagion, or was it witchcraft...?

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Fortunately, Vice President Mike Pence wasn't infected, allowing him to debate Kamala Harris in a titanic clash which will forever be immortalized in political history for one reason...

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Yes, a large fly landed on Mike Pence's head and sat there for two hypnotic minutes. Pence seemed entirely unaware of the fly's presence despite the fact that it was putting on little skis and preparing for a downhill run across his snowy head of hair. But Kamala Harris was definitely aware of the fly and showed frustration at her inability to snap it up with her lizard-like projectile tongue owing to the stage's plexiglass coronavirus barriers.

Having heard from the presidential and vice-presidential candidates, we were personally ready to cast our early ballot so we could more fully concentrate on drinking until election day...


Unsurprisingly, we voted for Trump (and against the Democrats). Since this apparently made us fascist members of the Nazi party, we had to reflect on what we were actually voting for:

• To keep the Supreme Court a judicial rather than legislative body.
• To keep racists from gaining even more political power.
• To keep our future votes from being disenfranchised by the addition of new Democrat "states."
• To free Black Americans from their liberal prison plantations by increasing their access to
    education and opportunity.
• To stand in solidarity with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
• To clean up the FBI, the CIA, and the DOJ.
• To keep socialism from devouring our economy and work ethic.
• To have legal citizenship actually mean something.
• To improve everyone's access to quality, affordable healthcare.
• To ensure equal rights to all regardless of race, color, faith, or sexual orientation.
• To fight against "cancel culture."
• To protect our cities from those who would burn them down without fear of legal
    consequence.
• To resist the control of all information and speech by giant media conglomerates.
• To support police agencies and the communities which they serve.
• To maintain a viable economy during the pandemic rather than embrace systemic failure.
• To allow political dissent and the free exchange of ideas.
• To drain the Washington swamp.
• To keep our military strong.
• To put America first.

And much, much more of course. What we didn't vote for, knowingly or unknowingly, were any of the heinous "foul beliefs" liberals imagined to be in our coal-black heart. And as early absentee votes continued to pour in, Trump's campaign suddenly received a special boon...

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Yes, he really did this

Joe Biden's son Hunter abandoned a laptop computer which contained thousands of personal photos, including of sex and drug use, and scads of emails which suggested that Joe Biden was selling his influence as Vice President to any foreign country that would line Hunter's pockets (including China and Ukraine). The story, however, didn't get any traction because virtually all "news" media outlets completely ignored it - the only exceptions being the news anchors who calmly reported, with their pants on fire, that the whole story was somehow "Russian misinformation."

Still, just to make sure Biden wouldn't be in the news, it seemed like a good time for surprisingly well-funded and organized rioters to grab the spotlight again...

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Buildings burned, looters looted, and fresh waves of Leftist violence swept the streets after police fatally shot a black man for no reason whatsoever other than that he was big, out of his mind, and was chasing them with a butcher knife.  Liberals pooh-poohed the danger from "just a knife," while ignoring a simultaneous story from England about an "Allahu Akbar"-spouting maniac who used a similar knife to kill two people and behead a third before his bullet-ridden corpse was delivered to the 72 virgins who, hopefully, had an assload of band-aids handy.

And while we'd usually use the whole knife thing as a setup for an "unkindest cut of all" gag, the real "unkindest cut" was just around the corner in...

NOVEMBER

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As votes were more-or-less tabulated on election day, a series of magical events took place: in multiple swing states, the counting was suddenly halted in the dead of night, observers were made to leave (or were pushed back too far to watch), and absolute craploads of votes for Joe Biden suddenly appeared out of the ether, putting him ahead in races where he'd previously trailed. 

Several contentious days later, the media - and only the media - announced that Basement Joe Biden was not only the winner, but had gathered more votes than any other candidate in history, despite never having drawn a crowd of more than 20 people on the campaign trail.  President Trump, credibly claiming election fraud, fought (and continues to fight) the "results" - but the media-blown wind was clearly in Biden's sails...

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As the surreal days ticked by, weary Americans were at least able to look forward to Thanksgiving. An attitude which, of course, liberals weren't going to put up with...

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Oregon's Governor Kate Brown, who had previously only given thanks for street violence in her state, told
 citizens to call the (allegedly trigger-happy) police on any neighbors who dared to have more than six people present for Thanksgiving.

On the plus side, Governor Brown did make citizens in 49 other states thankful that they didn't live under her fascist rule.

Eschewing (gesundheit!) a Thanksgiving feast, number-crunchers continued to chew on the wildly unusual election returns...

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Joe Biden's alleged "win" would violate all statistical precedent unless a long, long list of election improprieties was actually vote fraud on a massive scale. A likelihood that only grew in plausibility as anecdotal evidence continued to mount in...

DECEMBER

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With election "news" being buried or misrepresented, Americans were free to turn their attentions to the fact that somebody had been blocking Covid relief funding for months...

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Nancy Pelosi, in a rare act of almost-truthfulness, admitted that she'd blocked Covid relief money because she didn't want the American people to have any help or good news until there was a different president. Because, and we say this with all due respect, she is a horrible blood-sucking bitch.

But as Hillary Clinton so well knows, no election is really over until the electoral college casts its votes. Which went in Biden's favor, even though he showed up at the wrong location...

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"God bless trade schools!"

The voting took place after the failure of a legal challenge, raised by Texas and joined by many other states, that made the reasonable-sounding claim that voters in states with fair elections are harmed by having their votes defecated upon by states with Constitutionally illegal elections. 

Being a state vs state case, the matter was immediately sent to the Supreme Court for consideration. Which, being 2020, went like this:


So Christmas came early for Joe Biden, while the rest of America wondered if Christmas would come at all...

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Still, the holiday wasn't completely without a measure of Christmas cheer. At least, until we got more doom and gloom from the "Basement Office of the President-Elect"...

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Joe Biden announced that "our darkest days in the battle against Covid are ahead of us," which seemed like an awfully dismal thing to say considering that President Trump had gotten multiple vaccines to market impossibly quickly and mobilized logistical teams which began delivering inoculations on an unprecedented scale.

We can only assume that Joe's pessimism was related to the self-awareness that he's about to royally screw up everything in our great nation, eagerly assisted by the charlatans, commies, and Constitution-loathing toadies (all very, very diverse!) who will populate his administration.

As the year draws to a close (in our fantasy, at least, mounting the gallows steps to a waiting rope necktie), President Trump continues to challenge the election results - and this has been a wacky enough year that we wouldn't be surprised if he manages to pull it out. Nor will we be surprised if he doesn't. Because like everyone else, we've been exhausted by the pummeling of this year and just want it to be over.

Which, at the time of this writing, is about 10 hours away. And that's more than enough time for 2020 to still wallop us with an asteroid strike, a super-volcano, a nuclear attack, an alien invasion, Godzilla doing the hop, skip, and jump on a major metropolis, or ravenous zombies rising from their graves in search of brains. 

Frankly, watching them starve could be the high point of our year.

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