A Walk on the Riled Side

For only the third time in our nation's history, an American President is facing an impeachment trial to determine whether or not he will be removed from office. Such an event demands a full accounting of the facts, a deep understanding of the events which have brought us to this perilous state, and insightful, informed analysis of the trial as it unfolds.

None of which you're going to find here, Lord knows, because we're sick of this shameful sham and won't dignify it with anything resembling "work" on our part.

Rather, we will ridicule the Democrats' preposterous march to the Senate to deliver the articles of impeachment by pointing out that they reminded us of the Wicked Witch of the West's guards, the Winkies, strutting about while intoning: "Yo-ee-oh, Yo-ee-oh, Yo-eeoh, Ee-Ohhhh-ya!" These morons looked like they were carefully carrying a vial of nitro glycerine rather than multiple sheets of used toilet tissue.

Not that the idiocy started with that pinheaded procession...

In signing the articles of impeachment, Nancy Pelosi used over a dozen pens - served to her on silver platters and embossed with her own signature in taxpayer-funded gold - in order to create historic souvenirs to gift to her co-conspirators and, in all likelihood, raise a few bucks on eBay.

Despite her assurances that this was a sad and solemn chore, Pelosi grinned like a botox-enhanced Cheshire cat during the signing. Unlike the Cheshire cat, however, she failed to disappear afterwards, which was (and is) a decided disappointment.

Mainstream "news" sources described the proceedings in the most serious of terms, some calling the signing and delivery of the articles "sacramental." We, on the other hand, found the delivery to be more excremental, reminding us of nothing so much as chimps in a zoo flinging their feces just for the sheer pleasure of seeing how far they can spread their stink.

While there will surely be twists, turns, subtleties and surprises in the actual impeachment trial, we don't plan to pay much attention to it. The articles of impeachment are a partisan farce and (the latest) coup attempt. Trump will beat it handily and, we hope, win re-election in a landslide owing to a growing realization in our country that the Democrats are out of control and against our system of government, Constitutional checks and balances, justice, and basic decency.

As is the horse they rode in on.

The Candidate for the Little Guy

Bernie Sanders moved another step closer to the White House recently when he stunned his political opponents by securing the endorsement of diminutive actor Danny Devito. The impact can hardly be overstated, considering the accepted truth of the old political idiom: "As goes Danny Devito, so goes Rhea Perlman."

Unsurprisingly, Bernie is making a big deal out of the endorsement of a microscopic sitcom star because it will hopefully distract the media from the fact that, as revealed by Project Veritas, one or more of Sanders' campaign field organizers has let the cat out of the bag about the draconian, anti-American nightmare that a Sanders administration could represent.

Kyle Jurek, who has been paid around $10 grand from Bernie's coffers so far, says on videotape that "cities will burn" if Sanders doesn't win, "cops will get f*cking beaten in Milwaukee," and, as was the case in Cuba, "if you want to fight against the revolution, you're going to die for it, motherf*cker!"

Jerek went on to explain that Bernie's much touted "free education and free college" would really amount to propaganda mills and re-education camps for the "Nazis" who aren't meeting the Left's expectations, and finished his diatribe explaining that "the only thing fascists understand is violence, so the only way you can confront them is with violence."

All of this seems at odds with amiable Bernie's promises of free everything for everybody always, but falls right into place with historical accounts of pretty much every socialist revolution ever. Although Jurek, which might well be pronounced "jerk" for all we know, may represent the fringier edge of Sanders' camp, it is an inescapable truth that the kind of socialism Bernie is proposing can only end in violence, poverty, and fascistic control of our nation.

Danny Devito or not, we can't cast a vote for that.

BONUS: AT THE MOVIES (Spoiler Free)

In our ongoing attempt to fight socialphobia and embrace the modern theater-going experience, we ventured out to see the film "1917" yesterday. The reviews have been great, and it seemed like the sort of thing that deserves to be seen on a big screen.

It's a very good film and we can easily recommend it - especially on the big screen - but it's also a bit of an odd duck (which is more of an observation than a complaint).

The key concept of the movie is simple: in World War I, two young British soldiers are given an extremely dangerous mission, which will see them crossing enemy lines, with only a short amount of time to accomplish it.

Interestingly, the film is (brilliantly) shot in a way that more or less makes the entire adventure into a single, uninterrupted shot with the mission occurring in real time. The upside of this is we get a guided tour of the Hell that was the battlefield, with an abundance of disturbing and frightening detail that reminds us "this is not where you want to be."

The downside of this approach is that the film can't and doesn't explore any deeper story, nor the inner lives of the main characters. Rather, we can only see what is external and happening "right now." We aren't so much an audience as omnipresent witnesses...viscerally feeling the horrors of war.

Our best advice is to accept the film for what it is - an experience as much as a narrative. Highly recommended!

Sniff Testy

Really, John? We're all ears.

Appearing on a CNN interview, John "Swift Boat" Kerry again repeated the preposterous claim that during the Obama/Biden administration, there wasn't so much as "a whiff of scandal." Which is true in the sense that a massive cloud of stench can't really be called a "whiff."

Kerry, it should be noted, was Obama's lead negotiator in striking a "get-tough" nuclear deal with Iran which still guaranteed that the terrorist nation could build nukes, gave Iran the right to inspect its own facilities for any (ahem) treaty violations, and got airline tickets upgraded from coach to first class for the giant pallets of cash Obama sent in the dead of night.

And since Iran is very much in the news, it's worth remembering just WHY Iran wanted that $1.7 billion in cash instead of as an electronic transaction: because cash purchases can't be traced. Which is fairly important if you're planning to fund terror activities around the world, do "off the books" nuclear enrichment, or buy missiles to fire at U.S. military bases and civilian passenger jets.

But Kerry's "no whiff of scandal" claim isn't the only thing that stinks in the news...

Actress and entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles called "This Smells Like My Vagina." Or we should say she was selling them, because the first run of $75 candles has already sold out, presumably to pervy customers who were no longer satisfied with their "This Smells Like Canned Cat Food" candles.

This presumably opens the door for a flood of other self-scentered liberal celebrity products: Robert De Niro's "This Smells Like My Feet" platform shoes, Joe Biden's "This Smells Like My Female Constituents" shampoo, Greta Thunberg's "This Smells Like My Stolen Childhood" lighter fluid, Stephen Colbert's "This Smells Like the Wax in My Tiny Deformed Ear" cotton swabs, Joy Behar's "This Smells Like My Loud, Sour Farts" air defreshener and, of course, Bill Clinton's "This Smells Like My Intern" cigars.

BONUS: I PUT A SMELL ON YOU

We often do multiple variations on a cartoon and then go with what we hope is the funniest one. Still, we have a fondness for today's runner-up...