Totflix

By now, everyone has heard about the Netflix film "Cuties," which attempts to answer the burning societal question "can an 11-year-old Muslim girl find happiness by turning her back on family, joining a gang of misfit young girls, learning to twerk, and then grinding her pubic region on the floor in front of an audience while pretending to give a handjob?"

And the answer is no - it doesn't make her happy, although it does teach her how to jump higher than she could before when playing jump rope. No, really.

Many people are outraged that the filmmakers had actual 11-year-old actresses doing things that, in the words of prestigious film critic Mrs. J, "make you want to puke." But Netflix (under the guidance of luminaries like Barack and Michelle Obama) is defending the film by pointing out that its real message is that sexualizing pre-teen children for media consumption leads to nothing good for those girls if you don't count them getting into the movie business. Where, if they act quickly, they might catch the attention of Roman Polanski. 

Seriously, the film is a disjointed mess of largely unconnected and nonsensical scenes, interspersed with wildly inappropriate sexual content (at one point, the lead character goes into a frenzied pelvic-grinding, floor-humping trance state from which she can't be awakened...much to the dismay of a visiting imam).

Whether or not this is child pornography is a subject for the courts. But it's unquestionably bad for kids and bad for what little remains of our culture. And we can't wait to hear the highly-paid Obamas say so.

PLANETARY BODY

Researchers have announced that they have recently found possible signs of life on Venus, raising the real possibility that the Democrats are going to have to quickly print up a lot more mail-in ballots for our new neighbors.

The scientists involved have based their speculation on the discovery of phosphine gas in the atmosphere of Venus. A gas which is usually associated only with microbial activity (think "itty bitty farts") or human industrial activity (think much larger farts and unions). 

Should further research prove definitively that there is life on Venus, the next step will involve bringing a sample of the bio-organism back to Earth to study in a high-security site with impeccable containment capabilities and controls. Assuming, of course, that Joe Biden isn't still using it to broadcast from.

Cue Anon

Accusations have been flying that Joe Biden is using a teleprompter when speaking to reporters, and his campaign spokesman isn't saying otherwise - preferring to say "I won't dignify that question with an answer." A phrase which they are no doubt working hard to teach Joe Biden to say during debates - although it remains to be seen if he can get it out correctly when there's no trainer with gumdrop rewards.

But if Biden is possibly having problems speaking for himself, there are plenty of others out there to speak for him. As evidenced by this genuine, unedited snippet from a recent Biden campaign video...

It's worth checking out the actual clip at the link above, because it's deliciously uncomfortable. Kamala Harris laughs hysterically at every syllable uttered aloud and Obama is clearly so bored that he can barely keep his eyes open.

And perhaps to help keep the nation's eyes open, we have this development...

Okay, we just made this up after watching the tortuous pre-game racial lecturing and singing of the new Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice in Song, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah," before whatever the hell NFL game it was that was on TV Sunday.

We bailed out before actually hearing who the competing teams were because, in the words of Gone With the Wind's Rhett Butler, "they can all go f**k themselves."

Won By A Nose

Fun trivia: Liberals can't possibly finger out this punchline!

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced a new initiative to help ensure that the Oscars will now be as insufferable and annoying as, oh, a major league football game. Specifically, no film will even be considered for "Best Picture" unless it tags enough social justice bases by having a lead role performed by an "underrepresented racial or ethnic group," has at least 30% of the supporting actors be from underrepresented groups (including LGBTQ+, the cognitively disabled, and the hard-of-hearing), has a storyline centered on one or more of these groups, and/or has a sufficient number of  crew members behind the cameras who come from these groups. 

In other words, we're going to be seeing Jussie Smollet in a lot of leading roles (the new Black Panther?) and a metric ass-load of films listing Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, and the Obamas as Executive Producers.

But of course, there are other prestigious awards besides the Oscars. And guess who just got nominated for one...?

Yes, President Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize owing to his diplomatic work in the Middle East and North Korea, scaling down current wars, and keeping the largest military power on Earth (us!) from getting involved in any new wars.  Sure, all of that isn't quite as impressive as Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize-winning accomplishment of simultaneously being Black and having well-creased pants, but still...not bad for a White guy.

Of course, the President still has his critics. Much is currently being made of the revelation from Bob Woodward's new book, "All The President's Mendacity" (just kidding, though we think Woodward really missed an opportunity here) that President Trump knew of Covid-19's risks early on, but undersold them to the public in order to prevent panic.

Although Joe Biden was discouraging any action against the virus at the time, he now feels strongly that Trump was in the wrong...

NINETEEN YEARS LATER - NEVER FORGET

As always, September 11 weighs heavily on my heart - and this year the division in our nation makes it all the worse. After that awful attack, there was a brief period of unity among Americans. It didn't last, but at least it existed.

If we suffered such an event today, I don't believe we'd come together as a people. It would simply be more fuel on an already raging fire.

Somehow, I hope we can find our way to a future in which national unity is at least possible. And to get there, we could do a lot worse than taking time to remember the solemn lessons of the past.