Another Vine Mess

For those of you who won't be getting a total eclipse today (like we are in my part of Texas) it seems only fair to share something else that you probably shouldn't look at without eye protection. In this case, another collection of questionable products from Amazon Vine - the service that lets a lucky few select free items in return for honest reviews. Some of those products are actually great. Others...not so much. 

GENERAL UPDATES

I haven't been able to post much lately owing to some oddities with my health which are almost certainly due to my recent (or ongoing?) bout of the Fauci Flu. Something is rather dramatically robbing my muscles of energy after the shortest of exertions, forcing me to use a walker much of the time, and I still have wracking coughs despite recent x-rays showing my chest clear. Blood tests and heart scans have been done and nothing has been discovered so far. 

I don't feel bad most of the time, but a trip to the mailbox can feel like a marathon. We may have to look at more obscure conditions to figure this out. Covid can cause "micro-clotting" which sends little clots throughout the body to block capillaries and cut the flow of oxygen and nutrients to cells. And the laughably-named "vaccine" can stimulate the ongoing production of so much spike protein in the body that your tissues become suffused with it...and your immune system starts attacking your own muscles and organs. Hopefully I've got neither (let alone both) of those conditions, but it's an odd time. And big baby that I am, it hurts not to have Kathy here to take care of me or, more likely, tell me to quit whining and do something useful.

Like taxes, for instance. I haven't done mine yet and will be sending a request for an extension tomorrow. In hilariously typical IRS fashion, you can request an automatic extension just by asking for it, with the codicil that if you owe any taxes you still have to pay them by April 15. Well, if I KNEW I had taxes to pay and how much they were, my return would already be done, wouldn't it?!  Bah.

But on a lighter note, I've continued experimenting with AI music and now AI video generation. So just for the fun of it, I thought I'd share some recent works. The first being "Ten-in-One" which is my salute to the oldtime freak shows that fascinate me. The lyrics are mine and I've seen most of the human oddities mentioned in the song personally. Stars in my somewhat unusual pantheon.

On a more upbeat note, here's a fun rocker that is a reworking of a song played by a band I helped create, The Nukes, with my twin brother about 45 years ago. We performed in white lab coats and strange eyewear. These are my original lyrics (and the band's theme song) but the melody, music, and vocals are generated entirely with AI as were all of the visuals - there's nothing "real" in here at all. I edited the clips into a mostly coherent form but the credit (?) goes to artificial intelligence here. These are crazy times, my friends!

JARLSBERG REPORT

(Click picture above to make it larger!)

I can't resist posting on the 1st of April, but it's pretty hard to come up with news stories that are more ludicrous than the ones we're routinely told are "real." Still, it's fun to try. Best wishes to all for a happy (and cautious) April Fool's Day!

Grandson of the Sod

Happy day-after-St. Patrick's Day! Whether you're Irish or not, I hope you enjoyed a fun day, wore green, listened to an Irish jig, and stocked up on potatoes. That's pretty much what I did, because my paternal grandfather was a red-headed musician from County Cork, so it would be blasphemy not to recognize the day somehow.

Mind you, Grandad "Red" isn't listed on my official family tree as his contribution to the family lineage was purely (or impurely) biological. He was hired to give my innocent young grandmother piano lessons but apparently threw in a free organ lesson and then skedaddled when she got pregnant.  Grandma quickly and quietly left town until she gave birth and could return. The baby, my father, was put in an orphanage for a few months to avoid scandal then legally adopted by his grandparents. He was raised believing himself to be an adopted orphan and that his mother was his sister, not discovering the deception until in his teens. All of which is my long-winded way of saying I've got plenty of Irish in me. As did Grandma, apparently.

Celebrating with other people would put my hermit status in jeopardy, so instead I decided to honor St. Patrick's Day by creating a new song to bring joy to future generations of green beer drinkers. In it, I tell the surprisingly little-known story of what the heck Saint Patrick did with all of those snakes he's so famous for getting rid of. 

I've also created a music video with large, easy-to-read lyrics so that you can sing along joyfully with your family and drunken friends. And maybe your red-headed piano teacher.

Clock Blocker

Showing renewed energy, vitality, and wildly-dilated pupils, Joe Biden vigorously and youthfully urged the voters of Pennsylvania to go to the polls in November to send him to Congress. He also warned the crowd that January 6th was another Alabama, which is hard - no, impossible - to argue with. Go on, I dare you.

But he's fine, just fine. And we shouldn't really read too much into a slip of the tongue. Surely he meant to say that January 6th was another banana. 

Not that Joe did a lot better in his apparently meth-augmented State of the Union speech. Among the highlights, he diminished the brutal murder of Laken Riley by saying that "Lincoln (sic) was an innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal. But how many thousands of people being killed by legals?" Yeah, how many DO be killed? I assume that Biden's ebonics moment was simply a calculated call-out to Black voters. And it's good to know that we can call border-jumping killers "illegals" again.

Joe also declared that in his next term he would, by gum, end cancer as we know it! Frankly, I'd prefer that he just end cancer period - not just "as we know it." He may only have his eye on introducing an exciting New Cancer featuring "metastasis like you've never seen it before!" But we know that Joe is the man for this job because he was given the same job by Obama back in 2016.  Joe spearheaded the "Cancer Moonshot" program, the success of which we would all likely remember if there had been any.

Joe also declared that our military was being tasked with building a new, temporary pier in Gaza so we can bring in humanitarian aid by ship because it would be superior to doing it by air. A point he subsequently underscored with an air drop of humanitarian supplies that crushed multiple people waiting on the ground below. Subtle, Joe.

Air Force Juan

Fentanyl? Rape? Murder?

Parody is dead.  For years I've joked that if the Democrats are really concerned about the dangers incurred by people illegally crossing our borders, they should just cut out that long, hazardous pilgrimage and pick up the illegals in their own countries and bring them here in comfort. And we now know that's exactly what's happening.

Biden's laughably-named Customs and Border Protection agency (CBP) has been using chartered planes to pick up unvetted illegal migrants in other countries then flying them directly to the interior of the United States for secret release. Although the new arrivals do have to pinky swear they'll apply for legal status within two years.

Part of Biden's plan was to artificially reduce the number of crossings being reported at the border. And by using our tax money to secretly fly in illegals and give them walking around money, he did lower that number by 320,000 anonymous illegals in 2023. Not that it made much of a dent in the total border crossing numbers - there are still nearly ten times the illegals strolling into the country under Biden than was the case when Trump was President.

But how do the illegals even know about the program and how to use it to receive free criminal airfare? Simple. They use a CBP app on their smartphones that lets them schedule a trip on Air Biden as easily as calling for a ride on Uber. 

I'd love to make some kind of pointed joke about all of this, but how can I? This is madness or, likely, something considerably more evil.

Rest In Peace, parody. You were fun while you lasted.

TORCHED SONG

Hopefully, you're not sick of my posting AI songs in this space because I'll probably keep doing it from time to time. It's fun to play with the technology and while working my way through Covid Fatigue I'm not able to do much other than sit on my butt in front of the computer. Mind you, that was largely my lifestyle before, but at least then it was a life choice.

In any case, inspired by my lethargy, I composed the following smoldering, sexy, smoky bit of jazz. A torch song for those already burned...

Gone But Not Forgiven

This past week, I have found myself in the uncomfortable position of having to decide whether I'm a hypocrite or an asshole. And the verdict is that I'm not a hypocrite.

The situation is this: for years I've had a Bucket List somewhat different than that of most people. Visiting Paris? Climbing a pyramid? Swimming with dolphins? Nope. My list consists entirely of people whom I want to see kick the bucket before I do. Being on the list seems to bring no harm to those named, as they tend to cling to life like withered Democrats who refuse to give up office after half-centuries or more of (ahem) "service."

But even the occasional scratch-off Lotto ticket produces a small win from time to time, and several days ago I learned that the person at the top of my Bucket List is not long for this world. Indeed, this person may be room temperature by the time you read this, though I wouldn't expect that condition to last long if you take my drift.

Something I should make clear: I struggle with grief every day and I would never want anyone to suffer. But dropping dead? Well, we all do it eventually, which seems like a waste of effort if no one is made happy. 

In this case, the individual is a lawyer who made my life miserable for years. A person who cost me and my family tens of thousands of dollars (and perhaps significantly more) while actively trying to sabotage my career for no discernible reason. This person was also not a very good lawyer and cost their (and my) employer literally millions of dollars in lost court cases. 

But as is too often the case, this lawyer continued to fail upward into other positions, some of national prominence and newsworthy incompetence. This person even did a TED talk about the secret of success: "being nice to the little people." A sentiment so far from their actual behavior that I'm amazed a lightning bolt didn't strike then and there.

Still, I'm not a heartless bastard. I have human feelings and strive to find forgiveness for those who have not only trespassed against me but taken a steaming dump while they were on my lawn. Which is why as a peace offering, I wrote the following song to commemorate this sad occasion.

Sorry, that was a typo. I meant sadly delayed occasion.

That lead singer sure is a good-looking guy...

Presidunce Day

Alexei Navalny, a political critic of Vladimir Putin, died in a Russian prison this week owing to "Sudden Death Syndrome," which is more commonly known as "Political Critic of Vladimir Putin Syndrome." Bloody-knuckled prison guards huddled over Navalny's spontaneously bruised body but were unable to save him.

Meanwhile, in New York, former President Donald Trump, a political critic of Joe Biden, suffered an attack of "Sudden Bankruptcy Syndrome" inflicted by a judge so astoundingly and nakedly corrupt that he's presumably topping Biden's list of Supreme Court nominees in case Joe succeeds in stealing another election.

Let's be clear: the judge has ordered Trump to pay a fine of almost 500 million dollars after convicting him of a crime that never happened and had no victims. The "victim," in fact, spoke in Trump's defense and said that the financial transaction in question was legit, standard practice, and made a lot of money for the bank that gave Trump a loan and they'd be eager to do similar transactions in the future.

For this, the judge - who bears a striking resemblance to Bob Denver from "Gilligan's Island" - smeared Trump for showing a "pathological lack of remorse" for the non-crime in which no one was harmed.

One is a clumsy goofball who gets nothing right. The other is Gilligan.

But hey, such an obviously ridiculous verdict should be an easy appeal, right? Wrong. Because Trump can't appeal the case without first putting the $500 million into escrow and even he doesn't have that kind of walking around money. But since banks love to do business with him, he can borrow it. Just kidding! The judge also ruled that Trump can't do any business in New York for three years, which eliminates access to most major banking institutions. And, by design, may eliminate Trump from the November election.

All of this puts us in a situation where our nation has become no more than a banana republic. The "law" is being used to eliminate anyone who opposes the corrupt power structure in Washington. Our votes mean nothing. Our freedom of speech has been canceled. Our Constitution is in flames.

But apart from all that, Mrs. Lincoln, Happy Presidents Day!

FROM THE VAULT

I won't lie - I love this cartoon.

YOU'VE GOT TO PAY THE DUES...

...if you want to sing the Blues. And as far as I'm concerned two weeks (and counting) of Covid and the general political malaise in the world are all the dues I need. Which is why I used aritifical intelligence to create yet another song. I wrote the lyrics, but legendary singer Cigar Box Jenkins brought it to life.

Want to download an MP3 of the song? Just click this link.

Snack Attack

On Superbowl Sunday, Joe Biden's handlers decided that he shouldn't do a live interview during the game fearing that it could make him look like a senile nincompoop. So instead, they aired a professionally produced message for the American people in which Biden looked like a senile nincompoop.

Astoundingly, in unusually terse fashion, Joe pulled back the curtains to reveal the evil conspiracy that is playing Americans for (and we quote) "suckers." Specifically, the tendency of the Big Snack industry to charge us the same money for giving us fewer chips, crackers, and cookies in each package.

Mind you, this shouldn't be confused with Biden's inflation which has skyrockets prices across the board. No, this is "shrinkflation" which is, well, exactly the same thing. Only this isn't Biden's fault, it's the fault of the America-hating robber barons! But who are these traitors? Joe isn't afraid to say!

Buy stock now before their lawsuit settlements come in

These are some of the bastards singled out by the White House (with a Presidential Seal looming over their products no less) for ripping off consumers and treating them as "suckers." Products that are even now mobilizing their ecstatic legal departments. The frigging Keebler elves, Gatorade, Pepperidge Farm, Nabisco, Breyers, and Lays - all giving you less product just because your money isn't worth as much since Biden took office.  And are those really "Double Stuf" Oreos or are they "Stuf and Three-Quarters" Oreos?! Fightin' Biden is on your side!

Joe was especially angry that ice cream containers are getting smaller, because that's apparently a message his handlers want us to know he deeply cares about. Although the message we're mostly getting is that Joe's handlers have decided to let him look like a complete idiot so they can finally get rid of him. 

FUN WITH COVID

I'm glad to report that I'm well on my way to apparent recovery from my first dance with Fauci's Folly, though am still mildly symptomatic on Day 10. It hasn't been that hard on me, I'm relieved to say. Oh, I still honk like a trumpeter swan when coughing, but that's just my innate musicality.

The social isolation hasn't been too bad, what with me being a hermit anyway. But I still take it as a personal affront that this manmade illness finally got me - and surely will again.  And again.

HAPPY VD - FROM THE VAULT

The Tony Awards

This would be a great place for me to say something glib or pithy, but those words aren't in me today. I hate this man and innumerable others who created a new and more efficient scythe for the Grim Reaper, then compounded their crimes with lies, power plays, and a "vaccine" that has a non-zero chance of wiping out our species. 

Side note: I know that sounds way over the top and I wish it were. And in fairness, I'm guaranteed that my fears are unwarranted by the same expert sources who assured us that Covid could not be spread person-to-person, that face masks were dangerous (before they became mandatory proof of political servitude), that packing Covid patients into nursing homes with senior citizens was a good idea, that the virus itself magically evolved from a bowl of bat wing soup from a wet market within coughing distance of the Wuhan virology lab, and that the new "vaccines" were safe, thoroughly tested, and effective.

Sadly, "Holocaust Remembrance Day" seems no more meaningful than any other Hallmark holiday in a sick world where equally horrendous crimes against humanity are being rewarded rather than punished.

SUBPOENAS ENVY

I'm more than a little confused. Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro has just been sentenced to four months in jail for defying a congressional subpoena that required him to appear before the same Democrat-lead House Select Committee (and lynch mob) that conducted a Kabuki investigation into January 6th, then destroyed more than 100 encrypted files of "insurrection"-related evidence (no doubt of an exonerating nature) to keep them from falling into the hands of Republicans.

But if memory serves, Hunter ("Fingerpainting For Fun and Profit") Biden recently received similar subpoenas and staged a photo-op specifically to show him giving Congress the finger. For which he's been sentenced to exactly zero months in jail. Which is good for him, because it's not as easy to sneak coke into jail as it is to sneak it into his dad's White House.

Still, when it comes to matters of applying equal justice under the law, I'm amazed that in our trans-happy culture and an election year, the Republicans can't even pretend to have balls.

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SECEDE...

Remember the Ala Mode!

Joe Biden seems to be preparing for a literal war against Texas and, as a Texan, I'd like to assure him that A) it's a bad idea and B) we triple-dog dare your ice-cream-licking ass. The man is sending troops to make sure that our nation's border falls. To make sure that the flow of fentanyl, sex slaves, disease, and potential terrorists continues unabated. 

Sooner or later, even the idiots on the Left are going to ask why - and it's going to boil down to corruption of a very high order. The cartels are clearly paying big money to keep their operations going and they're just lucky enough to be dealing with a president who's been comfortable taking bribes and selling out the American people for his entire career.

Personally, I would really and truly like to see my state of Texas secede and return to its status as an independent nation again. And I would hope this could be accomplished entirely peacefully. Still, if Biden keeps pushing us, I hope Governor Abbott sends troops to Washington to cut down the White House fences and see how Joe likes it.

Noose at Eleven

As expected, Donald Trump crushed his opponents in the Iowa caucuses after which he made a live victory speech in which he said...(Bzzzt!)...he said...(Crackle!)...he said...

Sorry about that. The problem is NOT with your television set. Rather, if you were watching alleged "news" networks CNN or MSNBC, the transmission of Trump's message was cut off by an ideological problem that technicians are most definitely not rushing to repair.

Rather, the management of both networks decided to just not air anything Donald Trump says live anymore - even if it's a politically salient victory speech - because they claim they don't want to knowingly transmit anything that might be lies. Of course, they can't just leave the airtime unfilled while they're protecting you from whatever lies they've had premonitions about. So they open up the conversational floor to their (ahem) "news" people who then tell rock-solid truths like Trump has declared that he will be dictator for life, that if Trump wins he'll order the "crazies" who follow him to kill his political enemies, and that Trump will clearly destroy our country if re-elected because he forgot to do during his first Presidential term in which he was sending the economy through the roof, keeping us out of wars, improving employment and opportunities for minority Americans, projecting strength to our nation's adversaries, and giving away his salary to charity. The rat bastard.

This is among the most blatant acts of election interference imaginable and every minute of airtime devoted to talking up Joe Biden or talking down Trump needs to be listed as a political "contribution in kind" to the Biden campaign. Additionally, any special First Amendment protections applied to news organizations should be immediately yanked from these two propaganda mills. 

But why do CNN and MSNBC think they need to hide Trump's words from their viewers? If what Trump is saying is offensive, then the people should hear it to help them decide who to vote for. And if what Trump is saying is lies, then the networks should air those lies along with the proof that Trump is lying - again, for the benefit of their viewers.

Then again, CNN and MSNBC may believe that their viewers are such bone-headed morons that they'll simply believe any outlandish thing they hear on cable news. In fact, that's their entire market strategy.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY ARTIFICIAL

I'm still fiddling around with AI programs and music generators (hey, I need to do SOMEthing when I'm avoiding the news) and I recently came up with a song that is...dare I say it...kind of good?

I asked ChatGPT to write lyrics that sounded like a Byrds interpretation of a Bob Dylan song. I then plugged those lyrics into app.suno.ai and told it to generate a pop song with good harmonies. There were a lot of false starts, but then a good iteration. Which started a process of prompting the engine to add a little bit more and a little bit more until it was a whole song. And I added a music video (barely) so I could stick it on Youtube.

The song itself isn't intended to be a joke nor is it political. In fact, it's a bit of feel-good inspirational throwback rock that I've been listening to when I need a mood boost (hint: hourly). And maybe you'll enjoy it, too!

And for any Karaoke fans...sing along!

"Echoes of Tomorrow"

[Verse 1:]

In the whispers of the morning,

Through the mist of dawn's embrace,

Lies a truth that's softly spoken,

In the lines of every face.

Winds of change are blowing,

Across the fields of time,

Where dreams are sown like golden grains,

In the garden of the mind.

[Chorus:]

Oh, echoes of tomorrow,

Ring through yesterdays of sorrow,

And the songs of freedom hum,

Beneath the setting sun.

May the words we say,

Light the path and show the way,

For the echoes of tomorrow,

In our hearts will stay.

[Verse 2:]

See the river's constant flowing,

Past the mountains, through the plains,

Like the endless quest for knowing,

That in every heart remains.

Shadows of the evening,

Dance with the glow of fireflies,

While stars above keep weaving,

Tales of love beneath the skies.

[Chorus:]

Oh, echoes of tomorrow,

In the laughter and the sorrow,

Like a melody that flies,

Underneath the moonlit skies.

Let our voices rise,

Through the dark and stormy skies,

For the echoes of tomorrow,

Are the dreams that never die.

[Bridge:]

In every whispered wind,

In every songbird's call,

The answers lie within,

In the rise and in the fall.

[Chorus:]

Oh, echoes of tomorrow,

In the love that we can borrow,

From the chapters yet to write,

In the silence of the night.

Hand in hand we'll go,

Through the high and through the low,

For the echoes of tomorrow,

In our hearts will glow.

When Life Gives You Pangolins...

Believe it or not, this really isn't just another crass use of the no-longer-copyrighted "Steamboat Willie" character. Because the story above is true and if that terrified rodent isn't the original humanized mouse, I'd like to know who is.

Having learned nothing from creating and releasing Covid into the world (other than that pandemics are awfully good for political tyrants and pharmaceutical companies), playful Chinese researchers have now modified a pangolin brain virus to make it completely deadly to humans, because such medical research is absolutely vital if you hate humans. 

So far (or at least as far as we know...) it's only been tested on "humanized mice" which have been scientifically altered to have human genes so they can be tortured without having the ability to file lawsuits. And the new virus has killed every last one of those little humanized cheese nibblers, presumably when their brains turn into an inflamed slurry and ooze out through their perfectly circular ears. Which is likely what would happen to 100% of infected humans if the virus escaped, so isn't it good that Chinese virus labs are so very, very secure except for their open windows, screen doors, and tendency to sell dead animal specimens to wet markets for soup stock?

There's pretty much no reason that researchers would want to create such a thing unless it could A) be used as an apocalyptic bioweapon, B) make a lot of money for companies coincidentally selling pangolin brain virus vaccines, or C) beat AI to the punch of killing us all, giving humans quite literally the last laugh. 

Which is why we should immediately be taking common sense safety measures including, but not limited to, calling together the world's leading gain-of-function researchers and, after careful deliberation, displaying their heads on pikes.

Until then, whether mice or men, we should all have the willies.

UPDATE

Here's the full story, but the first 60 seconds or so of the video tell you what you need to know.

UPDATE 2

Sorry, the video has been removed because its creator - who I truly, deeply trust - would otherwise have been thrown off Youtube.  Hopefully some of you saw it. And I'm kicking myself for not having downloaded it.

Breaking and (Barely) Entering

Saturday is January 6th and I want to wish each and every one of you a glorious "Insurrection Day." Fly American flags, stroll around casually, take selfies with friends, then call it a day early and go to a nice restaurant for a 4 p.m. early-bird dinner special. You'll want to do all of this carefully, of course, because apparently, those activities could cause Democracy to fail, our nation to collapse, and be so generally apocalyptic that it will make the Holocaust look like no big deal - although in fairness, the former president of Harvard already thought that. 

Personally, I plan to hang my solar-powered American Flag LED lights and maybe a festive "Don't Tread On Me" flag. And what the hell, once I've done that I might as well leave them up until November...

FROM THE PEDO FILE

A long-hidden list of Jeffrey Epstein's (ahem) "associates" is finally being revealed in court proceedings, showing the names of the high-and-mighty who took advantage of his private jet and allegedly may have taken advantage of underage privates on Epstein's "pedophile island."

To no one's surprise, Bill "Stink Finger" Clinton's name is on the list. As are the names of legal eagle Alan Dershowitz, magician David Copperfield, Britain's Prince Andrew, and irrepressible party animal Stephen Hawking.  Everyone involved is denying participating in any sex trafficking activities and it seems likely that not much will come out of all this. After all, if these players could off Epstein in a locked and guarded prison cell, there's no way they're going to let unfiltered documents get to the public.

Rather, an old adage reminds us that "the Devil mixes his lies with truth" and I'm betting we're being fed just enough truth for things to look credible while the really explosive stuff remains buried.

(UPDATE: I owe everyone a huge apology! An earlier version of this mentioned Donald Trump being on a list because I fell for fake news. But we're talking professional fake news here: USA TODAY is even now billboarding this story with the headline "Clinton and Trump are named in Jeffrey Epstein documents." But if you read the whole story down to the fine print, you learn that Trump's name was only on "a document" that said Epstein planned to invite Trump to meet him at a casino. I'd say more, but I have a date with my cat-o-nine-tails for some self-flagellation.)

SLIPPING A MICKEY

So this is legal now...

"Steamboat Willie," the first iteration of Mickey Mouse, fell into the public domain on January 1st and everyone is now legally free to use his image for whatever fun and debauchery they like.  Multiple horror movies have already been announced and the Internet has been having a field day with inappropriate imagery. Not that I would ever do that...

Does this one strike you as too out of bounds? If so, don't blame me, blame Walt Disney - because that final frame is lifted straight out of the "Steamboat Willie" cartoon in which the frisky mouse enjoys playing squeazy-peasy with the horrified sow after shaking loose her suckling babies. It was a simpler time. And often weirder.

A NEW SONG BY THE STILTONES

Who can ever forget the innocent delight we old folks all felt back in the 1960's when a brand new song by The Stiltones debuted on our AM radios...?

Full confession: this is a one-minute song I created with the help of artificial intelligence while screwing around on the Internet. Most of the lyrics are old Burma Shave signs, I wrote the chorus, then AI produced the tune and lead vocal. After which I added harmony vocals using my computer's mic and made the video on another Internet website I was playing with. And I'm sharing it not because it's great, but because I had fun making it.

Considering that Burma Shave advertising signs haven't been posted in 60 years, I expect this already cryptic song to be absolutely baffling to anyone under AARP-age. But as an artist and musician, I care neither about their approval nor that of the horse they rode in on.

No Year is a New Year Anymore

My sentiments about entering a new year are somewhat less than enthusiastic because it's a virtual certainty that A) 90% of the new year will be the same crap as last year, and B) 10% will be a lot worse. And without that feeling of a fresh beginning, it struck me that "no year is a 'new' year anymore."

At which point the spirit of Guy Lombardo violently entered my body (I won't be able to ride my unicycle for a week) and when I awakened I found I'd somehow written the lyrics to a big band song. And thanks to AI, which was apparently possessed by Lombardo's Royal Canadians, I give you this new holiday anthem (closed captions recommended to savor the cynicism)...

And what a year it's going to be! Looking into my crystal ball (it's the one on the left)...

I predict the most screwed-up Presidential election in history coming. And I'm not talking about U.S. history - I'm talking history of the universe.

I predict the economy will appear to do pretty well until November, propped up by freshly printed and utterly worthless dollars. Unless, of course, the whole shooting match finally collapses.

I predict that the United States will have to borrow money from China to give to Ukraine.

I predict that AI will morph into something we can't even imagine at the moment and will embed itself inextricably in the world's cultural and business DNA, more or less like the damn spike proteins the mRNA "not-actually-vaccines" filled most of us with.

I predict that Anthony Fauci will have a really bad day if he crosses the street in front of my car.

I predict no successful new movies from Disney in 2024 or possibly ever again.

I predict that rather than risking stairs anymore, Joe Biden will be treated as cargo on Air Force One.

I predict a fun-to-watch continuation of liberal cannibalism as the woke Left devours its own people for not being woke enough. 

I predict that virtually every high-profile a**hole will continue to thrive, enjoying the fruits of their power and corruption and go unpunished for their wrongdoing.

I predict that honest peasants such as ourselves will be increasingly punished for right-doing using digital surveillance in increasingly invasive ways.

I predict ongoing delight from the friendships and camaraderie at Stilton's Place! Best wishes for the new year!

Christmas 2023

Click picture for larger size

The news may be grim, but we'll be damned if we're not going to at least try to put a smile on your face this Christmas! And who better to make that happen than America's favorite sugarplum, Busty Ross!

It would be indiscreet of us to mention what parts of Miss Ross shake "like a bowlful of jelly" when she laughs, but we'll admit to working a lot of Christmas-themed jokes into office conversation lately. For instance,  "How much did Santa's sleigh cost?" Answer: "Nothing, it was on the house!"

Sadly, Miss Ross didn't bust out laughing. So to speak.

Let me try again... "Hey, Busty! What do angry mice send each other in December? Cross mouse cards!!!"

Wow. Tough room. But Merry Christmas to all of you! -Stilt

BONUS: Speaking of shaking things up for Christmas, this should do the job nicely!

Book 'Em, Santa

In this crazy, fast-moving, high-tech world of entertainment devices, isn't it nice to know that the very best gift to give a child at Christmas is still a good old-fashioned picture book?

And I emphasize "old-fashioned" because the new generation of picture books is a one-way ticket to Hell. Don't believe me? Then check out these actual picture books from Amazon...

Okay, to be fair none of these books are intended to fall into the hands of actual children. Rather, they're parodies of children's books aimed at adults - and I'd be hypocritical if I didn't admit that a number of these titles made me laugh. 

I'd also be a hypocrite if I didn't say that seeing all of these has me thinking that I may be just a pseudonym away from starting to publish some of these of my own in 2024. Many of these books are selling like crazy, and it's not like I don't already have a disturbed sense of humor...

My apologies to the long-gone artist currently turning over in his grave

And not to seem crass, but I suppose this is as good a place as any to remind you that there's still time to order giftable editions of my books Johnny Optimism Volume One, Volume Two, and Volume Three ("Home for the Horrid Days") from Amazon. Or for the wordplay lover on your list, the fun cartoon book co-written with my beloved wife, Kathy, "The Skin of a Hen's Teeth."

I have also written a lot of real children's books over the years and can say in complete seriousness that I still consider well-done books to be among the very best gifts you can give children. I was certainly influenced by the many beautiful picture books I received as a child (and still cherish today).

Although you may or may not take that as a good endorsement considering how I've turned out. 

Where There's Smoke, There's Fired

The bad news is that the world is still all screwed up...

...but the good news is that the holidays are upon us with colorful lights, good cheer, old favorite Christmas songs, and new musical delights like Joe Biden's "A Spoonful of Brains for Christmas" (Push the play button below TWICE to hear)...

Is it a great song? Well, no - but what's interesting (and frightening) about it is the song was generated entirely by artificial intelligence. At a fun website you can try for free, you simply tell the AI what kind of song you'd like and it will create the music, lyrics, and vocals and even let you download the result as either audio or video. Granted, the songs are only about a minute long and a lot of them sound just awful, but isn't it fun to force AI to do stupid and demeaning things in the few remaining weeks before it takes over the world? (Expert tip: use someone else's computer in case the AI comes looking for revenge.)

But even as a blind pig can occasionally find an acorn, you can sometimes create something halfway catchy, like this country song about a fellow enjoying the benefits of having a "Mistletoe Belt Buckle"...

True story: I actually came up with the idea of a mistletoe belt buckle (or attachment) decades ago and thought of trying to sell it as a novelty product. But eventually, the idea went into a drawer with lots of other million-dollar ideas. Now it seems you can actually buy them. I haven't checked to see if anyone got rich from the idea because I don't want to know.

ENTIRELY RANDOM STUFF

• With an eye toward the frugality that our government is famous for, Joe Biden recently announced that taxpayers will be funding a high-speed rail project for "Over a billion three hundred million trillion three hundred million dollars." Thank goodness the job went to the lowest bidder, right? And let's hope that the high-speed train will be harder to derail than Old Joe's mind.

• Monkeypox is back in the news with an exciting new fatality rate that's over ten times higher than last time (one out of ten infected people will die). Darn those pesky screen doors at the Wuhan lab!  It's also worth noting that this time we're supposed to call it "Mpox" because liberals say that "Monkeypox" is racist because monkeys make them think of black people. So the m-word is the new n-word, at least in liberal circles. 

And from the vault...

• Finally, I recently found a Christmas decoration that I absolutely had to have for my front yard, to delight the neighbors, passersby, and ruby-cheeked children. I give you, "The Farting Polar Bear"...

Unfortunately, when I read the actual description it claimed to be a polar bear pulling a Christmas tree on a sleigh. Still nice, but for me the holiday magic was gone.

Santos Clause

The bipartisan and highly oxymoronic House Committee on Ethics has spoken and the House has subsequently voted to expel Representative George Santos (R, NY) for being "too obvious" about lying, grifting, and fraud - acts which threatened to "give away our whole game" according to one Washington insider who I'm probably making up.

Personally, I wanted Santos to remain in office as a team mascot for all of the liars, bribe-takers, sexual deviants, and poltroons currently mismanaging our country. Is a two-thirds majority of the House really claiming that Santos is more of a liar than Adam Schiff? That's not even theoretically possible. Was Santos' use of campaign funds for an "Only Fans" account worse than Senator Barney Frank's apartment being used as a gay brothel? Was Santos' use of Botox more extensive than that of Nancy Pelosi, who actually could be reached for comment but is unable to move her mouth muscles?

The answers, of course, are "no," "no," and "mmph." George Santos is a lying scoundrel, sure, but his real crime was a lack of style points. He was an unwanted public reminder that people regularly (or universally?) get into office by lying about their background, their accomplishments, and their intentions.  

And in that sense, he was actually one of the most useful and transparent politicians in the Capitol.

GET SCROOGED

There's no particular reason behind this cartoon, other than I came across this piece of art and liked Scrooge's "Oh, piss off" face in reaction to Marley's ghost.  Hey, you enjoy your Christmas spirit and I'll enjoy mine (grin).

Assassiversary

Hey, no big Dealy

Today is the 60th anniversary of the CIA blowing the brains out of a much-loved American President. Unfortunately, he wasn't much loved by the power brokers and string-pullers, so they offed him and covered it up.

For many years, I thought that was just conspiratorial nonsense. Now, I pretty much take it as fact. Newly revealed evidence is coming out faster and faster and you'd have to be a moron at this point to believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. Plus, watching how the acronym intelligence agencies have tried to take out Donald Trump and made martyrs of the (righteous) January 6th protesters, it's obvious that they are morally bereft enemies of America whose activities are barely even clandestine anymore. 

And look at the massive cover-up of the Covid fiasco. The "experts" in the government used our tax money to help create the virus, and then made us guinea pigs for mandated "vaccinations" that likely did more harm than good. If you doubt it, look at the numbers for "excess deaths" since vaccinations began. In some age groups, deaths from all causes are suddenly and mysteriously up by 20% - and that's a huge spike. 

It's a complicated story, but one compelling theory is that the mRNA "vaccines" suppress disease-fighting T-cells in the body. These are the cells tasked with knocking off harmful things in your body like early cancers before they become a problem.  Or at least, that's what they used to do before we got injected, and why so many people are suddenly dying with conditions that take off like wildfire.  Not that you'll hear this from the CDC, the AMA, the WHO, or pretty much anyone else who is supposed to be watching out for us.

As I look back 60 years, it saddens me to think to what extent I've lived in a manipulated world of illusion. I take no pleasure now in seeing the curtain pulled back...but I can't resist looking and, for some reason, still caring.

Call me a tin foil hat conspiracist if you like. But I hope Donald Trump will be wearing far more protective headgear when the acronym agencies make their move.

GIVING US THE BIRD

Okay, the rant above is pretty much of a bummer and I apologize for that - but it's how I'm feeling today. Still, Thanksgiving is nearly upon us so it only seems right to also share a lighter sentiment...

Pardon is such sweet sorrow

As far as I know, there's no truth to the rumors that Biden is considering making the pardoned turkey his running mate for 2024 to increase voter confidence in the possible succession of power. He really should, though.

AND FINALLY

Remember that bad mood I said I was in? This may be one of the causes...

I'm missing Kathy very intensely today. Holidays are harder than other days - and those other days are no freaking cakewalk to begin with. 

And it just struck me recently that I feel like a human leftover. Mind you, leftovers are loved by many. But after a while, their appeal diminishes.

Whining aside, I'm genuinely thankful for many things in my life, most certainly including the friendship and camaraderie we share on this website. Please accept my sincere wishes for a very Happy Thanksgiving this year and every year!

It's Vine. Everything Is Fine.

I'm rounding out the week with the final (for now) installment of oddities from the Amazon Vine program, where invited people (like me) can get free items to review and can continue doing so as long as our reviews say something other than "what the hell was I thinking when I ordered this?"

Of course, I can share my honest reactions here with you!

Vine and Cheese Party

I'm back with more questionable items from the Amazon Vine program and my even more questionable reactions to them. These are all real items and this is the way I really see them. My head can be a "funny" place to live in sometimes...