I Beg Your Pardon / The Unkindest Crack

President Trump issued a tweet yesterday which commendably did not mention apes or monkeys in any form, but which instead announced his intention to issue a pardon to the brilliant conservative thinker, writer, and commentator Dinesh D'Souza.

D'Souza (who is believed by many to be the great-grandson of patriotic "March King" John Philip D'Souza) had previously been found guilty in 2012 of contributing too much money (over $10,000) to a candidate for Senate, using several proxies to sneak the money through the door. Was he guilty of wrongdoing? Totally. And unlike most Democrats, he had neither the guile to hide his crime tidily, or the ability to claim outright stupidity and have it seem plausible.

That being said, D'Souza was - to quote Trump's tweet - "treated very unfairly by our government." Specifically because they sentenced him to a $30,000 fine, 5 years of probation, 8 months in a halfway house, community service, and the loss of his ability to vote.

In similar cases involving Democrats, you don't see anything like those punishments. Or punishments at all. Of course, when Democrats are involved, you also don't tend to see such itty-bitty amounts of money involved.

No, when you want to illegally shove money into the pocket of some generic Democrat candiate whom, picking a name at random, we'll call "Hillary," your smarter election fraudsters will hire the candidate's husband to make a speech in a language no one in the audience understands about lunchbox safety, or ways to keep cigars moist, or international fiscal policy ("Get everyone to donate to the starving orphans of storm-wracked Haiti, then keep all the money and enjoy a dream vacation on Pedophile Island!") and pay him half a million dollars as a "speaking fee" which will conveniently end up paying campaign expenses.

No muss, no fuss, no criminal convictions, and no misadventures in the shower room of the halfway house (which raises the question: is it still a prison rape if things only go in halfway?)

In any event, we regret that D'Souza made such an idiotic choice (not a "mistake") in the first place, but we're glad that he is now receiving a well-deserved pardon. At least in part because it will really honk off Liberals again, which is always a great way to start the weekend!

BONUS: THE UNKINDEST CRACK (Caution: unavoidably R-rated!)

Literally one day after all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman or any other primate, alleged comedian Samantha Bee (whose show is the gynecologically named "Full Frontal") took to the airwaves to declare that  "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt."

And did Hollywood immediately lose its collective crap about this most unacceptable of sexually derisive obscenities?! It did not - because liberals believe that conservatives deserve every conceivable insult, no matter how foul or sexually charged.

For instance, withered miniature actress Sally Field, much beloved for her eons-ago role in TV's "The Flying Cunt" and the big screen "Forrest Cunt," tweeted "I like Samantha Bee a lot, but she is flat wrong to call Ivanka a cunt. Cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest."

And of course, the Twitterverse went crazy, praising Ms. Field's wit and wisdom.

So if we're getting this straight (not that we mean to use a term which could seem homophobic or sexually binary), it's now a compliment to call a woman a cunt...and it only applies to progressive women?

The notion runs contrary to our upbringing and every fibre of our being...but thanks to women like Samantha Bee and Sally Fields, the idea is actually starting to grow on us.