Grammy Can You Hear Me?

Today will be a different kind of post, owing in no small part to the fact that at the time we're writing this, Trump hasn't yet delivered his State of the Union speech, nor have the rioting and molotov cocktails throwing started. Both of which, by the way, we're actually expecting from the Democrats in the joint session.

So let us instead turn our attention to the Grammy's, an exclusively liberal self-congratulatory awards show which a long, long time ago was about music, but is now about hip-hop celebrities, ho's, n-words, and such over-processed, homogenized pop music that you'd expect it to be released on the Gerber label.

And then, there's these guys (who were nowhere near the Grammy's) doing a pulse-racing cover of "Long Time" by Boston...

Pretty awesome, right? Well, not in the opinion of alleged news source The Daily Beast, which sneeringly declares the band to be "terrible," not so much because of their musicianship, but because the band is (CAUTION: Trigger Warning!) openly conservative and Christian. Horrors!

But wait - it gets better! This is the Jay Sekulow Band, and if the name "Jay Sekulow" sounds vaguely familiar to you it should: he's one of President Trump's high-profile personal lawyers!

And seriously, how great is it that Trump has a lawyer who kicks rock'n'roll ass?!  Compared to Hillary Clinton's lawyers who spend all their free time trying to come up with schemes to steal milk money from starving Haitian orphans.

If you want to hear more of this band's great music - AND show them some support - just head over to their Facebook page and "like" the page.

Alternately you can drift over to Youtube and find oodles of classic covers like Suite Judy Blue Eyes, Jesus Is Just Alright, Hold Your Head Up, Mother Freedom, Midnight Rider, The Weight and lots more. Better still, you'll also find their original tunes like "Undemocratic," which roasts the Left, the Washington swamp, and gives a special shout out to sleaze-weasel IRS employee Lois Lerner...

All of this raises hopes for us that next year the Jay Sekulow Band will be the opener for the State of the Union speech, performing before the entire slack-jawed joint assembly (and yes, there should absolutely be a laser show and some pyrotechnics).

Failing that, perhaps the President might order the Grammy's to establish a new category of awards for music which doesn't denigrate our country, denigrate our values, or just flat out suck.

Stand-Up State of the Union

In further budget cut news, Trump has already whittled Obama's 57 states down to just 50.

Okay, we don't really expect President Trump to deliver a State of the Union address anything like this...but we couldn't help treating ourselves to a moment or two of pleasant fantasy. 

And no matter what he says, it's safe to assume that both the Democrats and mainstream media will react as if Trump had proposed a publicly funded 24-hour kitten-skinning cable channel.

To show how serious they are about their opposition to Trump, the Democrats will be running a rebuttal speech in which the latest Kennedy spawn will criticize giving political control to wealthy families. Maxine Waters will also be delivering a rebuttal in which she criticizes political power being in the hands of the mentally unstable. In other words, Democrats have no understanding whatsoever of "irony."

Weepy former comedian Jimmy "Obamacare Saved My Baby" Kimmel will be doing a review of the speech on his show, capably aided by porn star (and possible Trump paramour) Stormy Daniels who presumably has some things she wants to get off her surgically inflated chest.

All in all, we're expecting a very entertaining night of television.

BONUS: EYE DO

Yesterday marked the 35th anniversary or so of the Jarlsbergs entering into matrimonial bliss. The happy occasion was unmarred by the fact that Mrs. J has decided to start seeing other people.

Oh, not romantically. We mean she wants to literally see people - which is why she's going under the knife today for cataract surgery. Afterwards, she'll be wearing an eye patch for awhile and no doubt experiencing some minor discomfort from all the pirate jokes she'll be subjected to.

Which reminds us of the following old chestnut...

The new cabin boy on a pirate ship stared in awe at the Captain of the vessel - a formidable looking rascal with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a skull and crossbones eyepatch.

"How did you lose your leg, sir?" the boy asked.
"Cannonball blew it off," growled the pirate Captain.
"And how did you lose your hand?"
"Sword fight," was the snarled reply.
"And please, sir - how did you lose your eye?" asked the boy.
"I looked up one day and got seagull poop in it," the Captain answered.
Puzzled, the boy said, "That shouldn't make you lose an eye."
"Well," sighed the Pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

Stubborn as a Mueller

Just to be safe, better do his thumbs too.

President Trump has stated that he's willing to be put under oath to answer questions from special investigator Robert Mueller regarding Russian collusion, potential obstruction of justice, and the whereabouts of the kidnapped Lindberg baby. And, as good ideas go, we'd say this sure as blazes isn't one.

Let us be clear: we don't think Trump is guilty of diddly-squat, nor do we think he's a liar in the (ahem) traditional sense of the word. That being said, we believe the likelihood of his committing perjury under oath to be way over 100%.

This is owing to Trump's unique tendency to believe that anything which comes out of his mouth is true, no matter whether or not it intersects with "reality" in any way.

Take, for one of a million examples, his assertion that he "watched in Jersey City, N.J., where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as the World Trade Center collapsed (on 9/11)." We have no doubt that Trump is telling the truth as he remembers it...but it never happened.

Or more recently when he threatened James Comey with his super-secret White House recordings of private conversations between the two men...which subsequently proved not to exist.

Trump is a showman, a raconteur, a salesman, a serial embellisher, and the owner of a Tourette's style mouth which blurts out anything - and we mean anything - that flits through his mind. We're not even sure his brain is telling his mouth what to say, or whether his brain just likes to listen to his mouth as if it were a favorite talk radio station.

Considering the mounting evidence that the whole Comey/Mueller/FBI/Russia circus was intended to do nothing other than frame Trump and throw him out of office, we think having him say anything under oath is likely to go badly indeed.

Still, if he does go through with this, we'd like to make two suggestions. First, the President should remember that the words "to the best of my recollection" are his new best friends.

And second, at the same session, put Mueller under oath too and let Trump ask him questions about why he chose anti-American conspiracists for his so-called investigative team.

Stuff and Nonsense

We made an extra "shutdown" cartoon on Monday and cleverly decided to save it for today, thinking that we could dodge some work because the Democrats couldn't possibly cave this soon. But we're delighted to admit that we were wrong! Here's the cartoon anyway (waste not, want not)...

And then Life got in the way of creating anything fresh for today. First was our "Active Older Adult" class at the YMCA, followed by several hours of saying "Ow, ow, ow!" whenever we moved.

We then matched wits with our new computer for awhile, slowly making progress on getting it to be a functional part of our work day. By which we mean we figured out how to install games.

Afterwards, we tackled a remodeling chore to prepare our living room windows for (trigger warning!) plantation shutters which will finally be installed Thursday. The task involved a pry bar, a sanding block, lots of pieces of wood studded with potentially lethal nails, and a paintbrush. We did a pretty good job, too, thereby keeping our manliness credentials intact.

And now, well, it's only 5 minutes to Happy Hour. So enjoy the following Earwigs (grin)!

The kazoo's haunting melody brought the royal court to tears.

Jackass-teroids

Donald Trump has officially finished his first full year in office and, depending on who you ask, he either ended that year in a radiant glow of triumph, or standing in the chaotic rubble of a post-apocalyptic world. Albeit one with a booming stock market.

The government has shut down, of course, owing to the fact that Democrats won't allow funding for pretty much anything that Americans want, need, and paid for because they prefer illegal aliens (some of them euphemistically called dreamers) to actual citizens.

Frankly, we're enjoying the shutdown and the media's crazed coverage of this unimaginable, society-destroying catastrophe. Special points go to CNN, an alleged news network, for their claim that the "Government Shutdown Risks An Undetected Asteroid Strike." We're not sure, but it's quite possible that we'll also be more vulnerable to attacks from Godzilla, Mothra, and the 50-Foot Woman.

And speaking of women...

Don't panic, folks - it's just a prune.

To protest Donald Trump's first year in office, activist women took to the streets in orifice to protest whatever the hell is on their silly little minds.

We believe that they're upset that, because of Donald Trump, a multitude of famous (and now unemployed) liberal men started sexually abusing women years and years ago. And no, we don't follow the logic either.

The women flooding the streets also want cheaper, easier access to those who provide baby puréeing services, pay equity (even though they skip work whenever there's a chance to wear vagina masks in public), and handicapped parking stickers to use when they have PMS and are in no damn mood to search all over Hell's half acre for a f*cking parking spot!!!

Amusingly, "pink pussy hats" were somewhat less on display at this year's protests because social justice-conscious women realized that the noggin-warmers might be triggering or offensive to women who have genitalia that isn't pink (or perhaps just not well-washed), as well as women who don't have vaginas.

We don't know, and we don't want to know, what they're wearing on their heads.

Award War One

It WOULD come with a lubricant, Mr. Krugman, but you were against fracking.

Donald Trump just released his first annual "Fake News Awards," and pretty much everyone in the mainstream media is going crazy about this affront to journalistic integrity. Of course, when the awards (and the cockamamie stories behind each) are looked at closely, it becomes pretty clear that there isn't much in the way of journalistic integrity to defend anymore.

Frankly, we'd hoped to have a lot of lightweight fun with this story, but it hasn't worked out that way - perhaps because we're in a sullen mood today (for details, see the next story below). But rather than just enjoying the usual Trump carnival and the corresponding outrage, we found ourselves unhappy about the obvious, tacky, showbiz nature of Trump's stunt. But...

What really upset us was the realization that this kind of grandstanding buffoonery is exactly the right thing to be doing at this dismal moment in journalistic history. Face it, both politics and news are now simply subsets of the entertainment industry. And in case you hadn't noticed, the entertainment industry isn't exactly targeted at the Einsteins among us.

And so we get nonsense for news (95% of stories about Trump are negative, which is surprising considering the many great things which have happened in his first year), and in turn we get nonsense for rebuttal in the form of tweets, fake award shows, and unending meme wars. We will, however, give points to Sarah Huckabee Sanders for her presence of mind and willingness to kick asses.

It all adds up to a bit more of a Looney Tune world than we're comfortable with. And frankly, we blame the Left for all of it.

BONUS: BUT WEIGHT, THERE'S MORE!

mmMMmmm.... Donuts.

We recently informed you of our go-for-broke, this-time-we-mean-it diet and exercise program for 2018. And we thought it was time to share a progress report.

Sadly, the picture above (as bad as it is) isn't so much what we look like at the moment...it's more of a goal for us to shoot for that's still a long way off. As is that giant tropical pool, now that we think of it (albeit not in Hawaii - those nuclear attack warnings could make us spill our Mai Tai).

We've made a point of not weighing in often, because we like the burst of motivation and pride we feel when the difference is a more significant milestone. SOooo, after about two weeks of low-carb dieting with no cheating, half our usual alcohol consumption, and visits to the "Active Older Adults" workout class at the YMCA (stop singing that song in your head!), we stepped on the scales yesterday wearing only our orange inner tube (it's filled with helium - every little bit helps).

The results: we'd lost NOTHING and gained two tenths of a pound! And don't give us any of that "muscle weighs more than fat" nonsense, because the muscles we're most actively building at the YMCA are those directly related to gasping for air. And geez - this is supposed to be the period of a diet when weight just flows off (even if mostly water weight), leading to happy calculations like "5 pounds in a week? That's great! I'll be at my goal weight by...let's see...August 2019!"

But are we discouraged with this initial setback?! Well, heck yes - what kind of insensitive question was that?! But are we going to quit? We are not! (the crowd erupts in wild cheers and applause!)

We assume that there's currently just a little miscommunication between our body systems as this new lifestyle is being put in place. For instance, with all the painful punishment we're deliberately inflicting on ourselves while sweatin' with the oldies, our body is probably thinking "we'd better hang on to as much fat as possible! He's clearly gone nuts, and he'll need that stored energy if he gallops into the woods to howl at the moon!"

Our body knows us SO well. Too well, in fact. Which is why we hope that it will soon (and finally!) be seeing less of us.

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Big Mac Attack

Man. The tool user.

We're taking a day off from the usual routine today because we just took delivery on our new 27" iMac with superduper 5k Retina screen, blazing processors, lots of RAM, SSD hybrid hard drive, and a new, up-to-date operating system which assures we'll probably be unable to use any of the goodies above.

See, we've been using our current iMac for 10 years, and bit by bit (no cyberpun intended) various chunks of it have stopped working. Even worse, because we've been using an old (as in very old) operating system, it's gotten to the point that we've been unable to upgrade software for the past several years...and now (the final straw, as it were) the outdated web browsers on the computer just won't talk to a lot of important sites anymore. Like our bank, for instance.

So we've taken a reluctant leap into the future by purchasing a refurbished 2015 iMac, thereby saving ourselves about a thousand bucks over a 2017 model. And that's important if there's any chance whatsoever that we might, in the process of setting up the computer, hurl it to the ground and jump on it.

Currently it's sitting by our elbow on our L-shaped desk, sneering haughtily at the decaying old computer we're using at the moment. Our first job will be to transfer the "Abby Normal" brain of our current computer into the new one, but that can only happen after the new arrival has warmed to room temperature (it was 20 degrees out when it was delivered). And we'll also need an electric storm into which to fly our kites.

We've been very reluctant to take this step because we're at the "old dogs, new tricks" stage of life in which, if we actually were a dog, we'd no longer remember how to lick ourselves. And even though Macs are relatively straightforward compared to Windows machines, each new iteration of operating system takes them a little farther from anything like a baby boomer's idea of reality.

Not to mention that many of our favorite programs won't even work on the new machine, which means more learning curves on more pieces of software we'll need to buy. Sigh...

But on the positive side, this will also be the start of some great new things for us. For instance, we just opened a good bottle of scotch to take into battle.

BONUS: SOB CORY

As noted political scholar Bugs Bunny used to say, "What a maroon!"

The Shinola Hits the Fanhola

In a later statement, the President clarified that he "loves savages. Great, great people."

Donald Trump sparked eye-popping, vein-bulging outrage from liberals (that's actually an opening phrase we're programming into our computer to save keystrokes for the next 3-7 years) by allegedly asking, in a meeting about special immigration protections for certain populations, "why do we want people from shithole countries?"

Because the reference was to Haiti and various African nations, the President was immediately accused of blatant, foam-at-the-mouth, KKK-style racism. An accusation which filled the news cycles and distracted from the real question: why do we want people from shithole countries?

Is our immigration policy intended to make America better (or at least no worse), or simply to give shelter and haven - and taxpayer-funded benefits - to those who currently live someplace worse than the United States? Which pretty much means every man, woman, and child on Earth, making such a goal impossible in the long run and societally suicidal in the immediate run.

We're tired of the argument that it's necessary to bring in the unskilled and uneducated to do the jobs "Americans won't do," and think we should revamp our current entitlement programs to make it clear to the able-bodied who simple prefer not to work that it's no longer an option.

We'll admit that the President might have spoken more tactfully about Haiti, but his question was a good one. Why should we import people from an island that can't do anything right, when we already have an island that can't do anything right...

The Aloha State of panic.

On Saturday, palm trees swayed in tropical breezes, warm surf washed pristine beaches, and tourists in Hawaii wept, screamed, cowered in fear, and stuffed their children into storm drains because of an "oopsy" alert (delivered to phones, radio stations, and wailing sirens) saying the island paradise was about to be vaporized by incoming nuclear missiles.

We single out "tourists" as being terrified rather than actual citizens of Hawaii, because those who have lived there for longer than a week already know the Aloha State's ill-kept secret: local government officials screw up pretty much everything they touch, so the odds of a false alarm were (as Trump might say) yuge.

We have plenty of personal experience with Hawaii from which to draw this conclusion. The state, which is almost psychedelically beautiful, has several factors working against it. The first is that it's essentially a jungle, with rainwater, vines, lizards, and highly aggressive insect colonies attacking every manmade bit of infrastructure on a non-stop basis.

The second is that all government functions are run by aloha-shirted Democrats and can't-be-fired civil servants, all of whom have a uniquely Hawaiian year-around "Spring fever" which keeps them from really committing to work when the weather is nice. As in, "daily."

While overt public terror is nothing to laugh at, except from the mainland, things could have been a lot worse: imagine what was going through the minds of our military personnel who were wondering if they should quickly launch a counterattack before going out in a Slim Pickens-style blaze of glory.

Theoretically, all of this was caused by one person "pushing the wrong button." Arguably the worst mistake made by a Hawaiian government official since Department of Health official Loretta Fuddy stated that she (and she alone) had looked at Obama's birth certificate and sent him a copy.

Shortly after which, she became the only fatality in a plane crash. Oopsy.

BONUS: A MAJOR AWARD!

We just found out that we nailed the #1 and #2 spots in the 2017 cartoon competition over at The Right Reasons.net!  Check it out (at the link) to see all the top finalists.

Just being included with so many talented cartoonists is a real honor, and let us express our thanks to Pookie18 (who handles the competition) and everyone who voted!

BONUS TWO: MARTIN LUTHER KING DAZE

The bad news is that even the NAACP no longer values the important contributions and directions of Martin Luther King Jr.

The good news is that Dr. King's vision has brought us far enough that the NAACP is now hopelessly outdated and should be disbanded.

Book Him!

If you like it, you can keep it.

Taking a note from our Islamic friends, liberals are suddenly stampeding to buy prayer rugs upon which they can eventually kneel in the direction of their new Mecca: The Barack Obama Presidential Library. And considering that it will be in Chicago, kneeling might be a good idea just to help avoid being hit by errant gunfire.

Plans for the great man's edifice complex were recently unveiled, much to the dismay of those with taste or a desire to see $1 billion dollars spent less idiotically.

Architecturally speaking, the main building honors the former president by being completely incomprehensible. A judgment which is especially true considering that much of the building's top will be covered by giant carved letters which, much like the word salads so often presented by the former lecturer-in-chief, don't actually seem to mean anything.

Don't believe us? Click on the image above for a closer look. Personally, the only actual word we could make out is "SMUT" repeated multiple times (check out the top line). Although in fairness, if Obama's library has a section dedicated to smut, this makes perfect sense.

And he just might, because there's one thing which won't be in the Obama Library: actual historic paper documents - theoretically the only reason for building a presidential library in the first place.

Not that there won't still be plenty of keen stuff for visitors to enjoy! A special area of the library will commemorate Barack Obama's important civil rights work (honest) which, as far as we can recall, consisted mostly of denigrating cops and watching approvingly as various American cities burned for no particular reason.

Other actual attractions will include a basketball court, about which we should probably say nothing (though we'll roll our eyes), a yoga studio ("Now bow to the Emperor...lower, lower! Great! Now let's lead from our behinds!"), and a test kitchen where people can learn about preparing nutritious meals the same way Michelle did: using wholesome ingredients plucked fresh from the garden by inner city children, then hand-delivered to a phalanx of taxpayer-funded professional chefs.

While this is all we know about the official plans, unofficially we have a lot of suggestions for things which really need to be on display. For starters, how about the Reverend Jeremiah Wright's chicken roost? And who wouldn't like to get a souvenir picture taken in the VW Van that hosted so many gatherings of Obama's Hawaiian "Choom Gang?"

A replica of radical bomb-maker Bill Ayres' living room, where Barry got his political start, would surely be popular. As would be a replica of the White House bed where the former president slept blissfully with a "Do Not Disturb" sign on his door while our embassy in Benghazi burned.

We'd like to see the styrofoam Greek columns that Obama's roadies carried from stadium to stadium across Europe during his "blame America tour." Or even one shovel that was actually soiled while working on a shovel-ready job. And how about taking a selfie while standing on one of the pallets used to deliver $400 million in ransom money to the terror-spreading mullahs of Iran?

Somewhat less likely is a display of the thousands of Hope n' Change cartoons which accurately charted the former president's two dismal terms in office. However, if we get an invitation we'll not only enthusiastically cooperate, we'll even arrange for Busty Ross to do the ribbon cutting ceremony!

But back to what passes for reality...

Construction work on the billion dollar complex will be directed mainly to minority-owned firms because #BlackBottomLinesMatter. To date no announcement has been made about the racial preference of firms which will subsequently be hired to repair the initial work.

Finally, when the complex opens, there will be a stiff admission charge (on top of a parking charge) for those who want to see the "good parts" of the library (with all funds going to the Obama Foundation). But in an unusual display of beneficence the library's board has decided that ordinary Americans can walk up to the top floor and look out the windows for free. Oh, boy!

Or at least they can if those windows are one helluva lot more transparent than Barack Hussein Obama ever was.

Clog Blog

Welcome to the first, and certainly not last, "Earwigs" cartoon of 2018. We just couldn't bring ourselves to feign interest in a possible White House run by Oprah Winfrey. Although we do admit that it would be historic for America to have its first all-black Black President, following Obama (the first half-black Black President) and Bill Clinton (the first non-black Black President).

Nor did we care that the Golden Globe Awards (and seriously, what the hell are those?) highlighted female #BlackDressesMatter activists who decried male slimeballs who work in the entertainment industry and stare at women's cleavage. Which, on the evening in question, the women had on full display.

Neither can we pretend surprise to hear that the President is now calling for an immigration reform "Bill of Love" (we pause to dab away a sentimental tear) to protect 800,000 so-called "dreamers" and give them legal status. Did anyone ever really believe he was going to drag that many people out of their homes and bus them across the border with nothing but a new suit and $10? We certainly didn't, although there's a pretty good possibility that Trump himself did while in the adrenalin-laced throes of his election campaign.

But hark! While working on this blog post, we've just seen one news story which deserves the old Stilton's Place treatment. And so we close with...

We're guessing Seth Rich.

Hay, I'm Talking To You!

Breaking News: The sky is blue, water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, bears poop in the woods (and wipe their heinies with nearby rabbits), and Donald Trump enjoys sending wacky tweets.

The latest tweets which have the Left howling at the moon were posted in response to the many wild assertions (some of which even the author concedes can't possibly be true) made in the book "Fury and Fire: Inside the Trump White House." The book's author, Michael Wolff, has stated in interviews that 100% of the people surrounding Trump (including top officials and family members) have questioned his intelligence and fitness for office.

In reply, Trump sent out a series of tweets in which he declared himself to be "like, really smart" and "a very stable genius" - claims which Liberals are proclaiming to be prima facie evidence that he's certifiable.

While conceding that the President is very colorful and atypical (to put it mildly), we have to wonder who's really clinically insane in the face of the amazing statistics being racked up during Trump's administration: employment soaring, the lowest black unemployment rate on record, taxpayers at all levels keeping more of their own money, businesses migrating funds and facilities back to the United States, a higher GDP than liberal economists thought possible, ISIS really on the run, North Korea suggesting peace talks with South Korea, and a stock market on steroids.

While promoting his tell-all, Wolff is boasting that the book will likely end Donald Trump's presidency and, presumably, everything else we listed above - much to the delight of his rhapsodic interviewers.

Now that's crazy.

BONUS: IF YOU'RE TOO DARN YOUNG...

...to understand the cartoon above, maybe this will help. Darn whippersnappers.

Push One for Armageddon

Liberals had to take to their smelling salts and fainting couches again this week following Donald Trump's latest Twitter escapade.

In a nutshell (which seems like a good way to start most news stories these days), the Pillsbury Doughboy's evil twin, North Korea's Kim Jung Un, tweeted that he now has a nuclear button on his desk that he could use at any time. In response, Donald Trump tweeted that he had a bigger nuclear button which he described as "horse-sized" and "throbbing."

Okay, we're not 100% sure about that last part, but we intend to look it up right after posting this.

Liberals immediately had conniption fits about the President making "size" comparisons, joking about nuclear war, and the frightening possibility that this could escalate into a war of "Yo Mama" tweets between the two heads of state.

And while we at Stilton's Place usually take a dim view of Trump's tweeting, considering the fact that he probably does have a big nuclear button on his desk, we're just as happy that he's found something else with which to keep his hands busy.

TUMMY CAN YOU HEAR ME?

The cartoon above constitutes our official announcement of the Stilton Jarlsberg Diet Plan (watch for the inspirational book!) which we may or may not reference again in the coming weeks and months.

The whole "you look just like Santa!" thing really peaked for us in the final months of this year, and not inaccurately so. Jolly? Check. Long white hair and beard? Check. Belly that shakes when we laugh like a bowlful of jelly? Checkmate.

SOooo, we're going low-carb, cutting back on the Clan MacGregor, and hitting the gym (we've already gone one day in a row already!) in hopes of dumping more weight than we feel comfortable talking about (imagine enough to build a pajama boy-sized millennial).

Tips ("Put a picture of Hillary in her bathing suit on your refrigerator door!"), hints, and encouragement will all be welcomed, as will any suggestions about how to make this fun and maybe even add some element of public accountability. Hey, if we've been demanding it from politicians, we should at least consider it for ourselves!

2017 - The Year in Review (Part Two)

Welcome back! In our last post, we covered January through June of last year in much the same way a cat knows instinctively what needs covering in a litter box.

Of course, political commentary is no job for a cat. It has only 9 lives, while we need to cover 12 months. The next of which is...

July -

For roughly the billionth time, Donald Trump is accused of being a bigot after issuing a policy decision (on Twitter, unsurprisingly) that transgender people shouldn't serve in the military. Why? Because transgenders generally have ongoing medical conditions and needs which can't be treated in the field, potentially putting others at risk. Despite this entirely logical position, those on the Left scream in outrage (as is their wont) and ask for someone, anyone, to make sense of how the country has fallen into this low and hate-filled state. And guess who claims to have the answer...?

Hillary Clinton announces her upcoming book will be titled "What Happened," and will explain how she lost a fixed election. She doesn't say if the book will also say "what happened" to Seth Rich, a mysteriously murdered DNC worker who likely leaked documents about Hillary's corrupting influence during the campaign.

Pausing to make sure our doors are securely locked and our kevlar vest in place, we move ahead to...

August -

CNN "reporter" Jim Acosta proved himself to be a complete and utter dolt when attempting to challenge Trump senior policy advisor Stephen Miller on proposed changes to our immigration laws.

Acosta's argument rested on the belief that our actual immigration policy is legally based entirely on the Emma Lazarus poem, "The New Colossus," which is found at the base of the Statue of Liberty and proclaims that the really best immigrants are tired, poor, wretched, tempest-tossed, disease ridden, drug mules, potential terrorists, rapists and pedophiles. All of which leads us to guess that Lazarus was no stranger to the bottle. Nor were we, after getting...

In what basically amounted to the Stupidity Olympics, Charlottesville hosted a messy confrontation between alt-Right demonstrators, Black Lives Matter protesters, violence-prone Antifa groups carrying weapons, and an inept police force which was actually ordered to let the situation get out of control. Which it most certainly did.

One liberal protester was killed after being struck by a car, and the media immediately blamed the tragic death on Donald Trump's theoretical (albeit nonexistent) embrace of Nazis and the KKK. In general, the mess was considered a complete success by the Left because they got to beat the hell out of a bunch of white people and they could claim the moral high ground because of one death. All in all, it was a dark day for America. But not as dark as it was going to get... Americans basically lost their minds over the prospect of experiencing a total eclipse of the sun, during which they could stand in a moon shadow (which was a darn good song by pre-Islam Cat Stevens) and stare directly at the sun to discover the wonder of burning holes in your retinas by wearing cheap knockoff Chinese eclipse glasses. News channels excitedly covered the event live, proclaiming it to be a "once in a lifetime" event which won't happen here again for, uh, 7 years. Which is about as much of a "once in a lifetime" event as August somehow turning into... September -

During an interview pushing her bitter, brain-damaged memoir "What Happened," Hillary Clinton recalled details of her yoga lessons despite having erased some 33,000 "personal" emails on the subject (along with other "personal" email like details of her mother's funeral, Chelsea's wedding, family recipes, state secrets, and multiple refusals of additional security to Ambassador Stevens in Benghazi).

Part of her yoga routine consisted of highly challenging "alternate nostril breathing," which involves closing one nostril with a finger and then breathing deeply through the other. No, really. In fairness, while the technique doesn't sound impressive, "breathing" was pretty much the only real qualification Hillary had for the Presidency.

Meanwhile, professional football players were "taking the knee" during the national anthem to protest violence committed against black people by those in uniform who aren't paid millions of dollars to commit violence on television.

As fans increasingly turned away from the games, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones came up with the brilliant idea of having the entire team kneel, albeit not during the anthem. This did not play well in Dallas, where five police officers had recently been murdered while protecting the rights of anti-police protesters. NFL viewership, both live and on television, deflated faster than one of Tom Brady's footballs.

Ironically, balls would also be deflated when tragedy suddenly struck at the heart of one of America's other favorite pastimes. ..

The eternally pajama-clad creator of Playboy magazine, Hugh Hefner, kicked the bucket at age 91. He left behind millions of American men who, upon considering Hefner's life and legacy, were asking themselves, "How the hell did he get away with all that?!"

Hefner also created the Playboy calendar, which probably looked pretty good in...

October -

And maybe let them stay in one of your three homes?

Following a devastating hurricane, Donald Trump criticized the mayor of hurricane-ravaged San Juan, Puerto Rico, for falsely accusing him of sending no aid to victims, treating Puerto Ricans like animals, and encouraging genocide.

Likewise, Leftists like Bernie Sanders jumped on the bandwagon despite the checkable fact that the President was inundating Puerto Rico with aid...and the mayor in question was a Hillary-supporting whackjob.

And as long as we're on the topic of whacking...

Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, a liberal champion and deep pockets Democratic donor, was outed as a longtime serial sexual predator whose abuse of "casting couch" privileges would make Caligula puke. This unleashed a pent-up wave of rage against sexual predators, real or imagined, and caused a massive tweet storm of #MeToo messages from other potted plants in Weinstein's past.

Oddly, the mainstream media didn't report on the #MeToo messages posted by the victims of Hillary's husband. Nor did they say much about the next event in her unending series of scandals...

To the shock of pretty much no one with an IQ above that of a blobfish, we learned that Hillary Clinton's campaign and the DNC had funded much of the (ahem) "research" that resulted in the infamous "golden showers" Trump Russian dossier. The specious document was then passed on to John McCain, who passed it along to FBI Director (at the time) James Comey, who used it to kick off investigations and wiretaps of Trump's campaign for alleged collusion with Russia.

Surely this attempt to co-op and corrupt the Justice Department for her political gain was Hillary's most blatant sin during her campaign. Or so we thought until...

November -

Donna Brazile, who headed the DNC in the final days leading up to the election, released a book called "Hacks," which detailed how Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC during the primaries and thereafter made all decisions to guarantee her eventual candidacy. And all the DNC had to do in return was cash the checks from Hillary and look the other way while populist favorite Bernie Sanders was screwed into the ground. Which proved not to be a problem for them because they are, let's face it, complete whores.

Unlike the virtuous women who came forward to name the next predator guilty of #MeToo slap and tickle activities...

Feminists were horrified when an old photo emerged of Senator Al Franken pretending to grab a sleeping woman's boobs - an act pretty much equivalent to rape except for the having sex part or actually touching. 

Believing it to be to their political advantage, female Democrats in the House and Senate harshly criticized Franken for having given countless conservative meme-makers a perfect photo to play with in Photoshop.

Not that every jaw-dropping photo needs to be faked in Photoshop...

Yes, that's really Matt Lauer. No, we don't know if Al Franken ever touched him inappropriately.

"Today" show host Matt Lauer was fired from NBC for "inappropriate sexual behavior" owing to his tendency to have quicky sex with female subordinates in the bathrooms and trapping unwilling women in his office by locking the door with a so-called "rape button" wired into his desk.

Acts which no doubt put him on Santa's really, really naughty list in...

December -

Senate slimeball Al Franken finally announced that, despite being totally innocent, he would be resigning "in a few weeks" in response to multiple accusations that he failed to ask women beforehand if they'd like to use his tongue as a throat lozenge.

Not that it was the biggest thing that stuck in certain women's throats...

Just ask Al Franken.

The House and Senate passed a sweeping tax reform bill without garnering a single Democrat's vote, despite the fact that the plan offers billions of dollars in tax savings to middle class families and a generous increase in benefits to any family with children - constituencies the Democrats claim to speak for.

The Democrats were in unanimous opposition because some cuts went to those who pay the vast majority of taxes (the Evil Rich, who should more properly be hung like piñatas and beaten with sticks until they explode in a shower of bloodstained wealth) and other cuts went to corporations to encourage them to bring money back from overseas and produce more employment. And if there's one thing Democrats really hate, it's jobs.

All in all, it was one heckuva Christmas gift to America. Not that everyone agreed...

This is the Hope n' Change cartoon we waited nine years to write.

As this crazy year sputtered to an end with the Left seemingly in ruins, a lone social justice warrior decided to raise his voice in protest against the madness which had seemingly engulfed America. He chose an act which would be seen by the entire world, and draw immediate comparisons to the brave soul who faced down a column of tanks in Tiananmen Square.

We're talking, of course, about the dolt who shot video of himself shouting at a Donald Trump robot in the Disney World "Hall of Presidents" attraction...

Our American cussin'.

Considering the Mickey Mouse nature of the previous administration, it was the perfect act of ridiculous irony with which to close out a long and surreal year.

Not that we expect anything less from 2018 - keep coming back to Stilton's Place to share (and laugh at) the ongoing adventure!

2017 - The Year in Review (Part One)

2017 is dead and gone, and we're here today to give it our traditional autopsy. Make sure you're wearing your surgical mask, gloves and smock - this isn't going to be pretty.

January - 

President-elect Trump prepares to take office while Democrats, Washington elites, and the media keep hoping that they're just having a really bad LSD trip. As reality set in, Barack "I Loathe America" Obama deigned to give Trump some helpful advice...

Of course, we now know that Obama was well aware that the intelligence agencies (at least at the highest levels) were involved up to their adam's apples in conspiratorial pro-Hillary anti-Trump mischief which, in other countries, would have been handled with firing squads when the new administration came in.

Perhaps to show the importance of respecting our intelligence agencies, the outgoing president then made a stunning move...

After repeatedly saying that our entire system of democracy was undermined by the theft of secrets which ended up on Wikileaks, Obama commuted the 35-year espionage sentence of Private Bradley Manning (now "Chelsea Manning" through the politically popular miracle of gender reassignment and garden shears) for the theft of secrets which ended up on Wikileaks.

Which was yet another reason we weren't sorry when Inauguration Day arrived...



Trump's inauguration was glorious on many levels - not the least of which was Barry finally leaving the White House, and the deliciously sweet knowledge that it was the worst day of Hillary Clinton's life. The occasion was marred only slightly by the new President's insistence that his inauguration was attended by "75 billion people, many of whom came from distant galaxies to be here."

But in the midst of all the celebrations and renewed hope for America, tragedy unexpectedly struck on January 26, when the last Hope n' Change cartoon was posted and Stilton left the building under a tattered, 8-year old "Mission Accomplished" banner.

The nation mourns until...

February - 

Surprise! After going through severe withdrawal pains we launched "Stilton's Place," which was exactly the same as Hope n' Change, including the same familiar faces...

Funny, we thought your generation knew ALL the four letter words...

Frankly, we had to come back. Per the first editorial on the new site: "Donald Trump is Presidenting like he has a roman candle shooting out of his rear end, which is sometimes good, sometimes bad, and always (gulp) exciting. Meanwhile, those on the Left have upped their game from insane to criminally insane, having conniption fits over the slightest of upsets and calling for the blood of conservatives to flow in the streets."

And so, the battle between good and evil was rejoined, just in time for...

March -

This has been a public cervix announcement.

After spending 8 years watching Obama put his shoes on the executive desk, Leftists suddenly decided that "knees off the furniture" was critically important in the Oval Office.

Mind you, these are the same idiots who didn't complain a bit when Monica Lewinsky's knees hit the carpet and Bill Clinton's "precious bodily fluids" were shooting around that same oval office like a Red Bull-fueled fire hose. Even today, we think there's probably more of Bill's DNA in that room than there is in Chelsea.

Meanwhile, the Washington "swamp" did everything in its power to undermine the new President and his team...

"Fingers" Franken in happier times.

Not only was there no evidence of Trump's campaign "colluding" with Russia, but the whole premise never made sense. Why would Putin want a wildcard like Donald Trump in office instead of the blackmail-ripe woman who had already sold Putin 20% of our uranium reserves in return for a quick influx of cash?

And speaking of sleazy Clinton deals...

Hey Bill, is that a missile in your pocket or are you glad to see me?

North Korea's roly-poly but unloveable leader Kim Jong-un started an exciting new hobby of testing missiles, setting off nuclear detonations, and swearing to destroy the United States in colorfully insane declarations. Trump countered with increasingly brutal tweets, including one that said Kim's late father "smelled of elderberries."

Little mentioned in all this was the fact that during Bill Clinton's administration, the president and his wife made a special allowance (in return for a buttload of campaign cash) for an American company to sell missile guidance technology to China, which in turn sold it to North Korea.

As icing on the (yellow)cake, the Bill & Hillary administration also gave North Korea nuclear reactors. What could possibly go wrong? 

And yet, our nation was still stunned by an unexpected nuclear event in...

April -

History was made when, for the first time since our nation became a nation, Democrats filibustered an exemplary Supreme Court Nominee solely because - and we've got plenty of political scientists and analysts to back us up on this - they were complete and total assholes.

The only way around this epic act of douchebaggery was for Senate Republicans to invoke the so-called "nuclear option," which - disappointingly - did not require inviting Democrats to "a picnic and very special surprise" in the remotest corner of Nevada.

Still, despite the terrific Supreme Court victory, Trump wasn't able to immediately enact everything he'd promised voters...

Rather than having the Democrats shut down the government (and to prevent them from again turning Americans away from Mount Rushmore, Old Faithful, and the Washington Monument), Donald Trump agreed to let an interim spending bill (is there any other kind?) proceed without the startup money for his border wall.

This unexpectedly conciliatory move gave the mass media reason to see the new President in a more favorable light. Not that it happened in...

May -

Yes, Colbert really said that. And yes, his ear is really hideously deformed.

On the CBS "Late Show," Stephen Colbert delivered an extended, gutter-language attack on President Trump. This would become the new norm for news shows, entertainment shows, and any gathering of two or more liberals.

And President Trump was big enough to shrug it off, apparently believing not only that "words can never hurt me" but "if they do hurt, I'm going to kick someone's ass." 

Fortunately, there was a loudmouthed ass just begging for such treatment...

FBI Director James Comey got fired for being a complete ass-weasel, Hillary shill, and rabid anti-Trump saboteur. Which suddenly made him a virtuous martyr in the eyes of Democrats who had previously labeled him "Public Enemy Number One" for accidentally derailing Hillary's coronation by burying only 98% of her crimes.

The embittered Comey then leaked a private Presidential conversation to the press, claiming falsely that Trump tried to involve him in a conspiracy to obstruct justice. A lie which would eventually lead to the appointment of Robert Mueller as a really annoying and equally corrupt Special Counsel.

Hollywood leftists then decided that they were showing too much restraint in their criticism of Trump, and had to up their game...

The last known picture of Kathy Griffin when she had a career.

Alleged "comedian" Kathy Griffin (best known for being an angry, unfunny, and annoying presence who has never even accidentally made an audience laugh) held up Donald Trump's bloody, severed head under the belief that Americans find both assassination and ISIS to be hilariously funny.

Amazingly, she got so much negative feedback (even from the Left) that her national tour was cancelled and she was fired from her longterm gig of co-hosting New Year's Eve coverage on a major network.

As far as we know, the only work she can now find involves going to ISIS training camp to entertain the troops, like some sort of Bizarro-world America-hating Bob Hope from Hell.

And speaking of the fiery furnace...

June -

He's been down there since Inauguration Day.

Donald Trump took to the Rose Garden to announce his unwavering support for the end of the world. At least, that's how Leftists described Trump's decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Accord because the terms were unfairly stacked against America and Americans.

Trump actually announced that he would honor withdrawal terms negotiated by Obama, meaning it would take up to 4 years to actually leave the accord...with the final decision left to voters in the next Presidential election. Still, he would subsequently be blamed for every hurricane, wild fire, and cow fart which defiled Mother Earth.

Of course, the Left knew exactly what needed to be done...

We're not sure if this production is "Hamlet" or "As You Like It."

New York's well-funded (including with tax money) "Shakespeare in the Park" company staged a modern day retelling of Julius Caesar in which the title character is depicted as Donald Trump - causing liberal glee when he's graphically and bloodily assassinated onstage by knife-wielding maniacs costumed as Washington insiders. 

What a great family outing, huh? And how better to introduce kids to Shakespeare than by making it "fun" with the repeated stabbing of an American President?!

Not that the real Trump was incapable of the occasional self-inflicted wound...

Following disgraced former FBI director James Comey's assertions that Trump told him to obstruct justice in a secret Oval Office conversation, the President made numerous tweets that he had audio recordings of everything and would prove Comey a liar.

Unfortunately, when pressed on the point Trump admitted that he had no secret tapes of any conversations.  Despite this, good Americans knew that Trump wasn't lying but was instead slightly nuts. Albeit not as nuts as the "fake news" media...

In an effort to increase their plummeting journalistic credibility, CNN invited Sesame Street's "Elmo" to participate in a panel discussion about President Trump's temporary travel ban and its possible effect on young Syrian refugees. No, really.

The guest shot proved to be so successful that CNN immediately took action to have their regular news anchors perform with a hand up their ass while on the air. The effort eventually failed when it was discovered that there was simply no room, owing to the anchors' heads already being in there.

___________________

Join us Wednesday for The Year in Review (Part Two)!