Memorial Day 2021

Today is not about politics. It's about remembering that the freedoms we too easily take for granted came at the highest imaginable cost. We are all in the debt of the fallen - and while it is a debt that can never be repaid, it is essential that we try to prove ourselves worthy of their sacrifice every day.

On this Memorial Day, please take time in your thoughts to express gratitude to those who have died in the service of our nation, and to rededicate yourself to the defense of the gifts they have given us.

The Great White Nope

To help "Make America Greater Than The Bad Orange Man Did," Joe Biden is pushing his "American Rescue Plan" which will distribute billions of dollars in Covid relief funds to "socially disadvantaged" people. And according to Biden, "socially disadvantaged" doesn't necessarily mean you're poor, or uneducated, or jobless, or particularly impacted by Covid at all- it just means you aren't white. Because Biden's plan might more accurately be labeled "No Cash For Caucasians."

Blacks, Native Americans, Alaskan Natives, Hispanics, and Pacific Islanders have all been granted "instant victim" status regardless of their degree of success in life. Because in Democratic minds, if any of those people are succeeding it's clearly some kind of fluke.

Not everyone is happy with this reasoning, including a white farmer (who has filed a lawsuit) born with spina bifida, who has two prosthetic legs, struggles to milk 70 cows a day, is overwhelmed with debt, and still can't get financial aid solely because of his skin color. Apparently, a twisted spine and two missing legs just aren't "socially disadvantaged" enough to deserve assistance. 

Nor will he be seeing anything from Biden's $100 billion "Justice For Black Farmers Act," which will give 200,000 black applicants 160 acres, a home mortgage, loans for farm equipment and, oh yeah, agricultural training...since they won't need any farming experience to harvest government greens.

Happily, it seems likely that the courts will overturn at least some of Biden's plans because, according to a small technicality hidden deep, deep, deep within the Constitution, overt racism by government agencies isn't legal. Yet.

MEMORIAL DAZED

As we head into the Memorial Day weekend, it's worth checking in to see what Joe Biden's handlers have planned for him...

The Not-So-Great Escape

Despite the many reassuring headlines saying things like "Chinese Continue To Deny That Genetically Modified Bat Virus Found In Wuhan Came From Wuhan Institute of Genetically Modifying Bat Viruses," a growing body of evidence suggests that our current pandemic is actually the biggest man-caused disaster in human history.

Science writer Nicholas Wade has done yeoman work in analyzing the available data (and writes about it in great detail here) and has come to the conclusion that while it's possible (barely) that the virus had a natural origin, the much greater likelihood is that SARS-CoV-2 escaped from the Wuhan Institute of Virology after they deliberately enhanced the virus's ability to infect human beings.

Among the damning pieces of evidence are reports that technicians in the Wuhan lab suddenly fell seriously ill (with some dying) just days before SARS-CoV-2 magically and spontaneously appeared near the lab. In hindsight, when multiple people in a virology lab suddenly fall ill when working with deadly new diseases, they shouldn't be sent home or to local hospitals. Oops!

So here we are, with 3 million dead (and counting), trillions of dollars in damages, and unprecedented social upheaval - and the likely cause was a screw-up in a lab which had already been criticized for poor security (which didn't keep Anthony Fauci from sending them millions of American tax dollars to play God with), followed by China's blackout on information which could have saved countless lives.

But there's good news and bad news. The good news is that SARS-CoV-2 is far less lethal than some of the other manipulated Frankenstein viruses which could have escaped. The bad news is that absent strong and unified action from all nations, virology research labs are going to continue creating scores of nightmarish pathogens. 

And making mistakes.

BONUS: LIGHTNING ROUND

•  The US State Department issued a memo to our embassies worldwide encouraging them to fly "Black Lives Matter" flags on May 25th to commemorate the one-year anniversary of George Floyd's death. Presumably, embassies which didn't have a handy BLM flag could simply set fire to a standard American flag and use it as an ignition source to torch the embassy "BLM-style" itself.

• The Pentagon has created a working group to cull "extremists" out of the military. To head that group, they've hired a radical named Bishop Garrison who is on record as saying that anyone who voted for Trump (and there were at least 75 million of us) is just such an extremist (and racist and misogynist to boot). This being the case, wouldn't it be easier to disband the whole military rather than just removing the patriots? Then again, that may be the real plan.

• Speaking of the military, God only knows how many of our tax dollars were wasted on this animated recruitment video (widely mocked and quickly withdrawn) which emphasizes that what our military really needs is women who are just as strong as the two lesbian mothers who raised them. Yes, really. 

Guard Dooty

To the shock of legal scholars, it turns out that Justice isn't necessarily blind after all - it may just be asleep, playing computer solitaire, or watching porn during working hours.

At least, that's how it seems when we consider the jaw-dropping news that the two prison guards (both of whom could interview Lori Lightfoot, if you catch our drift) who were supposed to be keeping suicide watch on Jeffrey Epstein on the night of his death were actually sleeping, playing on computers, and generally doing anything other than their simple but important jobs. And then they falsified legal documents about their activities. 

For which, they're striking a plea deal that won't punish them at all, other than to give them each 100 hours of community service which will likely consist of sleeping, playing computer solitaire, watching porn, then signing false statements that say they were picking up litter next to highways.

Given that no one, and we mean NO ONE, believes that Jeffrey Epstein died of anything other than a murder-for-hire funded by one or more of the high-ranking perverts he had dirt on, this "let 'em off with a slap on the wrist" punishment appears to be more prima facie evidence of a high-level conspiracy.

Were the guards paid to look the other way? Or simply threatened by people who - demonstrably - have the willingness and ability to carry out death threats no matter how closely you're "guarded"?  Not to mention having enough political pull to make sure that their toadies can subsequently escape the legal consequences of their actions. Actions that directly resulted in a man's death and threw up a likely impenetrable barrier to the investigation of wealthy and powerful pedophiles and human traffickers. 

Still, this doesn't come as bad news to everyone...

(From Nov 4, 2019)

In these stressful political times, it's important to remember to laugh as often as possible - especially about topics which are knee-slappingly funny like murder, pederasty, and sex trafficking.

At least, that's what Progressives find hilarious based on an interview in which The Daily Show host, Trevor Noah, asked Hillary Clinton how she killed Jeffrey Epstein - and was greeted with shrill, psychotic, Joker-style laughter by the First Lady of Arkancide. As opposed to, oh, a denial.

Alleged non-candidate Hillary was appearing on the show along with international diarrhea expert Chelsea "Daddy says it's not incest if I'm Webb Hubbell's" Clinton to promote their inspirational new children's book, "Gusty Women."

No, wait - the book is called "Gutsy Women" and it's filled with examples of women who, like Hillary, were strong and unapologetic historical trailblazers. Little girls (including, of course, those with a penis) can thrill to the colorful exploits of Lucretia Borgia, Lizzie Borden, Ma Barker, Aileen Wournos, Bonnie Parker, and Typhoid Mary - all of whom were gutsy enough to kill scores of people while laughing like hyenas.

And all of whom knew that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.

Black Jive Matters

Remember when racism was considered shameful and its practitioners had to do so from the shadows? Apparently, that's not the case for Lori Lightfoot, the mayor of Chicago ("Home of the Weekend Body Count"), who has now declared that she'll grant no one-on-one interviews to journalists who are (and we apologize for printing an obscenity) "white."

Lightfoot is openly offended by the number of white journalists covering City Hall in Chicago, and believes that a good dose of old-time racial segregation is just the ticket to establish healthy non-diverse diversity in the press corps.

Mind you, Ms. Lightfoot (preferred pronouns: "it, that, yikes") isn't interested in assuring diversity of opinion in the local news...just diversity of pigmentation.  Because as long as anyone in Chicago is still judging people based on the content of their character rather than the color of their skin, Mayor Lightfoot's racially divisive work is not finished.

MEDICAL UPDATE

We're pleased to report that Stilton's brother is recovering nicely from his recent surgical procedure. A procedure which involved blasting away the inside of his prostate using a flamethrower (well, a cauterizing green laser) which was inserted catheter-style into Mr. Happy's peephole. Then twisted.

We shudder to think about it, but hopefully the worst is over. Thank you for the many good wishes, thoughts, and prayers. And our apologies to every male reader who won't be able to uncross their legs all day after reading the description of that surgery.

Daze of Our Lives

We're treating ourselves to a day off today (and quite possibly Friday) to take a little restorative break.  And by "restorative break," we mean freeing up extra time to argue with Medicare and Social Security about their bookkeeping, battling the bureaucracy of the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles, fretting about a twin brother (yes, he exists!) having hopefully minor surgery (think good thoughts about prostates today if you're not already in the habit of doing that), and catching up on various neglected chores.

There's nothing wrong - we're not intimidated by Google's recent "red page" stunt, our health is fine, and if no one cares that the government is now admitting that UFOs are real, unexplainable, and completely impossible for us to control or defend against, well, then we won't worry about it either. Much.

As always, the comments section is wide open to enjoy the remarks of the smartest and funniest community on the Internet!

BONUS: THE TRUTH IS UP THERE

On a recent talk show, Barack Obama happily and casually announced that, oh yeah, UFOs are absolutely real and we have no idea what they are, how they work, or how to register them as Democrat voters.

But the great thing about making such an announcement on a comedy show is that it's then okay for everyone to treat it as comedy, right? Hey, if Barry, the host, and the laugh track are all happy about visitors whose technology makes us look like banana slugs, how could this possibly be anything worth worrying about?

Green and Bury It

During a recent hearing, US Special Envoy for Climate (we don't know if there's also a Just Regular Envoy for Climate) John Kerry conceded that there's a tiny little problem with our nation's "Green New Deal" push to import millions of solar panels. And that tiny little problem is that some of those solar panels are manufactured by slaves (Uighurs, though saying that word aloud in the workplace can probably get you fired) in China. The country which, according to recent data, produces more planet-contaminating pollution than every other country on Earth combined. 

So sending them our money to create more pollution seems counterproductive at the very least. But more troubling is that whole "slave labor" thing, which you'd think would bother those on the Left at least a little. But apparently they're only interested in slavery which happened in the distant past and can be used for current political leverage.

To be fair, the enslaved Uighurs who are making those solar panels at gunpoint shouldn't complain; the non-enslaved Uighurs are being systematically murdered in a sweeping genocide effort by China. Although if their bodies are properly composted, it's likely considered a successful "green initiative" and net win for the Earth by the AOC-Biden administration.

Here's an idea for the Democrats who are currently running the show in Washington: how about immediately implementing policy which prohibits billions of our tax dollars going to support slavery, pollution, and genocide?

Failing that, perhaps John Kerry can escort James Taylor to China to sing "You've Got A Friend" at a Uighur prison camp.

WARNING PAGE UPDATE: NONE SHALL PASS...

For any who may have missed it (lucky you!) we had some excitement here on Friday. Readers coming to visit Stilton's Place were greeted with a heart-stopping red screen covered with exclamation points and human skulls and the warning that this is a dangerous, deceptive site, run by cyber-savvy terrorists intent on stealing your personal information, your life savings, and better scotch than we usually drink.

The warning came straight from Google and was, not surprisingly, complete and utter BS. Which we tried to make clear in a hastily-written email to everyone on our mailing list (which generated more email replies than we can even respond to, but all of which were read and greatly appreciated).

Further research showed that a lot of conservative blogs were getting the same roadblock, which made it look to be a pretty obvious "big brother" move targeting the Right. But it seems the warning also went up on liberal blogs, cooking blogs, dog grooming blogs, and every other kind of blog hosted on Google's "Blogspot" platform (as this blog is).

So it would appear that someone at Google Central simply flipped the wrong switch...and gave us all an important reminder that a flip of the switch is now all it takes to instantaneously cut off politically incorrect speech. 

For now, the problem seems to have been corrected, but that Sword of Damocles will continue hanging over our head here at Stilton's Place as long as the blog is hosted on Google's blogspot platform (we'll note that if you go to the archival Hope n' Change Cartoons site and/or try to do a content search, you'll get a similar warning that you can safely ignore). We'll be looking into alternatives.

But taking a glass-half-full approach (and trust us, ours usually is) this was probably a valuable reminder that all of the Hope n' Change and Stilton's Place posts (up through January of this year) can be downloaded in handy and totally free PDF ebook form using the links on this page. Get 'em while you can!

Hard Cyber

BREAKING: MISSION (NOT SUBMISSION) ACCOMPLISHED

We're glad to report that Google (or whoever) has apparently taken down the scary big red warning page that this is somehow a dangerous website, so we can all take a deep breath and get back to our normal business of complaining about the world going to Hell (grin).

Many thanks for the many messages of support, all of which we're reading (and we'll try to respond if we don't get overwhelmed). We now return you to our regularly scheduled problems...

HARD CYBER

Following the successful cyberattack (thought to be tied to a criminal group called "Darkside") which forced Colonial Pipeline to shut down 5500 miles of pipeline, Joe Biden has taken forceful action to show computer terrorists that the United States won't stand for this. Rather, it will continue to sit on its well-padded rear end.

Oh sure, the attack caused filling stations to run out of gasoline and plunged the stock market into despair, but Biden's response has been to sign an executive order which will create committees that will eventually compile a playbook of suggestions about possible responses to future such attacks. Such as creating larger committees and thicker playbooks, almost certainly at a cost of $2 trillion. 

Were Donald Trump still in the Oval Office, we would likely have seen all of this play out much differently. For starters, the media would have blamed the President personally for the utter failure of cybersecurity measures and then cite the failure as smoking-gun proof of collusion between the Russkis and the White House. Under Biden, the media's response was more measured, largely amounting to a collective "ho-hum, nothing to see here."

We also expect that Trump would have skipped the committee approach and just launched some "beautiful, beautiful Predator drones" which would fire "Hellfire missiles which are, and I've heard this personally from some of our top generals, you'd know their names, the best missiles anywhere," after which, when the clouds of red mist cleared, the computer hackers would look like cans of Spaghetti-Os which exploded violently in a hot car.

Such an action would be a considerable disincentive for those planning future cyberattacks on our nation's infrastructure, although we're sure that any terrorists with a pathological fear of "playbooks" are also reconsidering their career options about now. Or not.

But for now, the Colonial Pipeline crisis has been resolved and gasoline will soon be trickling back to the pumps. And is the crisis over because our laughingly-named intelligence agencies tracked down the miscreants and undid the computer mischief? Nope. It's over because Colonial Pipeline, rather than wait for the Government to act, paid the hackers a $5,000,000 ransom to get the password which would unencrypt the data on their frozen computers.

Which, in fairness, proves that their playbook is working just fine.

From The Cyber-Vault: Joe Byte 'Em

Art For Heart's Sake

When the news bums us out, which is a daily occurrence lately, we like to take solace in the arts. Whether an image created by the sure hand of a painter or the sounds resulting from divine inspiration of a music composer, these are transcendent experiences which briefly but thankfully distract us from the frenetic madness around us.

Which is why we're sharing some of our favorite art with you today. Specifically, movie poster art from Ghana. The small theaters there are forced to paint their own movie posters, often with only a very vague idea what the movie is about or how human anatomy is supposed to work. Still, we'd happily watch ANY of these movies if they gave us half of what the posters promise...

Can't you just feel your stress melting away as you reflect on these images and the theatrical delights they offer? What a balm the "willing suspension of disbelief" can be when applied to entertainment rather than the news and politics.

And to round out today's enthusiastic endorsement of escapism, we'll share a few musical numbers which we swear we actually love and listen to on a regular basis (and you can too)!

From the Vault: The M-Word

(originally published 5/8/15)

Rather than dwell on the unpleasantness of current news, Hope n' Change would like to take this opportunity to reflect on Mother's Day (the most sacred of all Hallmark holidays). And who better exemplifies all things maternal than Hillary Clinton?

Sure, she once denigrated women who do things like staying home and baking cookies for their families. And she humiliated her young daughter during the White House years by dragging her around as a prop to pose with her cheating, DNA-spewing dog of a husband. And she underpays her female staffers who may themselves be moms.

But Hillary has a soft, sentimental motherly side, too! 

Although you'll just have to take her word for it since - by her own proud declaration - she decided to go into her private server and erase every email and computer document related to her daughter's wedding, the birth of her first grandchild, and her own mother's final months of life and memorial service.

Come to think of it, Hillary doesn't exemplify anything good about Mother's Day. But maybe our current first lady does...

Then again, maybe not.

Still, Hope n' Change thinks the world of most mothers and wishes them all the best this Sunday.  And while their love and lessons last forever, sadly, our mothers themselves are here for all too short a time. Be sure to hug 'em if you got 'em.

BONUS: One Bad Mutha (from the HnC vault)

Visitors Day

Owing to language which President Trump forced to be inserted into a Covid relief bill, the agencies that monitor reports and investigations of UFOs are supposed to offer a report detailing all they know by June 1st.

And there's at least a possibility that we could hear some cool, scary, mind-blowing stuff...although if we do, it will surely be no more than 1% of the real story. In drips and drabs, military and intelligence agencies have already affirmed the existence of some weird kind of flying objects in our skies that not only far transcend any technology known on Earth, they seem to violate the laws of physics as we (perhaps primitively) understand them.

If we had to guess - and it's only a guess - our instinct is that a lot more of this stuff is real than we've been previously told. And that while extraterrestrials may visit from time to time, they seemingly don't want to interact with us much (let alone conquer us) because as a species we're comparatively stupid and boring.  Seriously, would you want to cross half a galaxy just to spend time getting lectured by Greta Thunberg?

But if there were a huge social upheaval coming when New Neighbors arrive and the government wanted to prepare us for it psychologically, what would that look like? Well, we imagine there would be preemptive policies like:

• Destroying the notion of borders, national sovereignty, and even property ownership. 

• Efforts would be made to erase and rewrite our national history. Hey, why fight to protect what's yours when you don't even know or believe in what you're fighting for?

• Muddle the accepted definitions of what "people" are. Male? Female? Whales? Dolphins? Who needs labels to self-identify as "human?" Or humanoid?

• Prepping for the Big Meet-and-Greet would take trillions of dollars, but it's money that would never realistically ever have to be paid back. Seen any budget proposals like that lately?

• In case of a complete social upheaval, pretty much no one will be showing up for their shifts at McDonalds, meaning the government would need to create plans to feed, clothe, and house everyone from cradle to grave...and supply them with an income even though there are no jobs to go to. And gosh, Biden is pushing all of this right now. Probably coincidentally.

• If Intergalactic visitors show up, we probably don't want to piss them off by implying that they can't do whatever the hell they want. Maybe it would be a good idea to undercut the citizenry's respect for police authority. 

• Just in case Cosmic Tourists would bring Cosmic coronaviruses with them, it would probably be smart to first condition the public to wear a mask or two at all times, indoors and out, for the rest of their lives.

And so on and so on. Mind you, we're not saying any of this is actually happening. We're just saying that, with Joe "Mumbles" Biden sitting in the Oval Office, stranger things have already happened.

It's okay - they're just here to do the jobs that Earthlings won't.

The Spies of Life

Showing a surprising lack of foresight, our Founding Fathers somehow forgot to add language to the Constitution which would make it easy-peasy for future governments to crush anyone who criticizes their flagrant abuses of power. 

But showing creativity and initiative that, frankly, seems lacking from most other programs, the Biden administration is looking into the possibility of paying private companies (with your money) to have them spy on you in ways which are entirely illegal for our police and intelligence agencies to do. 

Oh sure, they say they'd only use these tools to go after really dangerous extremists like people who question the fiscal sanity of setting six trillion dollars on fire, or people who regularly attempt to overthrow the government by voting for non-Democrats, and those loathsome scoundrels who dare to talk about such things with their friends under the belief that "Freedom of Speech" still offers protection.

Sadly, if not terrifyingly, this isn't the first attempt by a Biden-related administration to spy on (and harass) ordinary citizens in explicitly fascistic ways.  Recall (as we always do) Obama's Stasi-inspired "Flag@Whitehouse.gov" program and its parasitic twin "Attack Watch"...

FROM THE VAULT: GESTAPOBAMA (2009)

  
 So it's come to this. An office in the White House set up specifically so people can turn in their friends and neighbors who are suspected of thoughtcrime against Obama (and if you don't know what "thoughtcrime" is, go read "1984" right now, before it disappears from the shelves!) 

Who is being paid to read these emails, and by what authority? Once the names are collected...what next? Audits? Threats? A burlap bag over the head? Or maybe just a note in your "permanent record" about how much healthcare you should or shouldn't get... Keep in mind that this is the President who praised the run-up to the Iranian "election" for its "robust debate." Is that what you're trying to encourage with this program, Mr President? "Robust debate?" And will you follow the Iranian model for silencing critics who "could have calibrated their words better?" 

And say, what about that catchy address: "Flag@Whitehouse.Gov" Flag? FLAG?! If this isn't the most obscene defilement of the flag in our history, we don't know what is. Meanwhile, it's safe to assume that people will have a lot of mischievous fun with that address; not just reporting suspected conservatives, but also cranky neighbors, ex-spouses, schoolteachers, your a**hole boss, the person who turned you down for a date...the list goes on and on.

Why not just address the mail to ScrewAnyoneYouWant@Whitehouse.Gov? 

FROM THE VAULT: HOLD de MAYO (5/5/2010)

Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! Today marks the festive occasion when Mexicans (and on Cinco de Mayo, aren't we all Mexicans?) celebrate what Wikipedia calls an "unexpected victory over the French" in 1862. Although how a victory over the French could be "unexpected" is a good question for another day. 

Cinco de Mayo is traditionally celebrated with guns fired into the air, ambulance runs to the hospital when victims are hit by falling bullets, mariachi music, margaritas, and a game in which children get treats and treasures by beating the daylights out of a hanging figure called a pinata (which, roughly translated, means "taxpayer"). 

So enjoy the holiday - but please, don't make too much noise! You might wake the immigration officials in Washington from their long, long siesta.

 

Remember: lick the salt, toss down a shot of tequila, bite a lime, and THEN beat your head on the wall.

FROM THE VAULT: NATIONAL CARTOONISTS DAY (5/6/2016)

National Cartoonist Day is held annually on May 5th so that cartoonists, those lonely outcasts, can make believe that everyone is drinking and partying in their honor rather than because every watering hole with a liquor license is serving half-priced margaritas on Cinco de Mayo.

Unsurprisingly, here at Hope n' Change we hold cartoonists past and present in the very highest of regards. And we're talking about actual ink-stained wretches here, rather than simple pixel-pasters like ourselves.  Genuine artists who are in it for the love of what they do - because there's surprisingly little money to be had, especially as print goes the way of the Dodo (a large bird upon which the natives of Mauritius once tattooed cartoons).

We won't list our heroes here as there are way too many of them and we wouldn't want to leave anyone out. But we will give special recognition to the cartoonist who introduced us to so many others, and inspired us as no one else could: our own father, who passed away in 2006 on National Cartoonists Day. We love and miss you deeply, Pa, and are grateful that you can still make us laugh with cartoons like this one...

Meating Out Justice

It only seemed appropriate to add a canine element to today's offering, since the Department of Homeland Security is now officially chasing their own tail.

Having announced that the greatest security threat to our nation comes from "domestic violent extremism" and "white supremacists," the DHS is now looking into its own ranks to make sure none of these omnipresent instruments of terror are lurking behind desks, computers, or badges.

In order to sort out these extremists, they're looking for individuals with telltale signs of anti-American radicalism like a record of military service, any expression of concern about border security, respect for the Constitution, the unacceptable belief that "all lives matter," or any similar attributes which look dangerously like patriotism.

Also, being white is a significant and nearly infallible predictor of being a white supremacist (because duh!) as is denying that you're a white supremacist.

We're not really sure that this is either the most efficient use of our metastasizing tax dollars or the best way to head off an often-predicted but never-occurring 9/11-style terrorist attack on our nation by, um, Trump voters. Many of whom (unlike Al Qaeda, Antifa, and BLM) have never harmed a building in their lives.