Hard Cyber

BREAKING: MISSION (NOT SUBMISSION) ACCOMPLISHED

We're glad to report that Google (or whoever) has apparently taken down the scary big red warning page that this is somehow a dangerous website, so we can all take a deep breath and get back to our normal business of complaining about the world going to Hell (grin).

Many thanks for the many messages of support, all of which we're reading (and we'll try to respond if we don't get overwhelmed). We now return you to our regularly scheduled problems...

HARD CYBER

Following the successful cyberattack (thought to be tied to a criminal group called "Darkside") which forced Colonial Pipeline to shut down 5500 miles of pipeline, Joe Biden has taken forceful action to show computer terrorists that the United States won't stand for this. Rather, it will continue to sit on its well-padded rear end.

Oh sure, the attack caused filling stations to run out of gasoline and plunged the stock market into despair, but Biden's response has been to sign an executive order which will create committees that will eventually compile a playbook of suggestions about possible responses to future such attacks. Such as creating larger committees and thicker playbooks, almost certainly at a cost of $2 trillion. 

Were Donald Trump still in the Oval Office, we would likely have seen all of this play out much differently. For starters, the media would have blamed the President personally for the utter failure of cybersecurity measures and then cite the failure as smoking-gun proof of collusion between the Russkis and the White House. Under Biden, the media's response was more measured, largely amounting to a collective "ho-hum, nothing to see here."

We also expect that Trump would have skipped the committee approach and just launched some "beautiful, beautiful Predator drones" which would fire "Hellfire missiles which are, and I've heard this personally from some of our top generals, you'd know their names, the best missiles anywhere," after which, when the clouds of red mist cleared, the computer hackers would look like cans of Spaghetti-Os which exploded violently in a hot car.

Such an action would be a considerable disincentive for those planning future cyberattacks on our nation's infrastructure, although we're sure that any terrorists with a pathological fear of "playbooks" are also reconsidering their career options about now. Or not.

But for now, the Colonial Pipeline crisis has been resolved and gasoline will soon be trickling back to the pumps. And is the crisis over because our laughingly-named intelligence agencies tracked down the miscreants and undid the computer mischief? Nope. It's over because Colonial Pipeline, rather than wait for the Government to act, paid the hackers a $5,000,000 ransom to get the password which would unencrypt the data on their frozen computers.

Which, in fairness, proves that their playbook is working just fine.

From The Cyber-Vault: Joe Byte 'Em