THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA
Santa is a very mean man, no matter what you may think.
Perhaps you've heard him called Saint Nick? No...they're two completely different people.
Saint Nick is a jolly man who brings grown-ups and children all the wonderful things and gifts they've hoped for or asked for...for the whole year. He always makes sure that every daddy and mommy and child at every home gets no less that $197.15 worth of first quality merchandise every Christmas...and sometimes even more!
However, Santa Claus follows Saint Nick, and as soon as Saint Nick comes out of the chimney, down goes Santa Claus. He looks at all the wonderful gifts and immediately takes the best ones and puts them in his bag. He fixes all the plastic toys so that they will break quickly, and if a toy uses batteries, he replaces these with very weak batteries that will not work long.
He changes clothing items for sizes that will not fit and hides the sales receipt so they may not be easily returned. He also substitutes bad colors for good on any clothing gifts for girls. If he finds candy in the Christmas stockings, he exchanges it for some candy he carries which will make children sick.
When he has done all he can think of to make people unhappy, he shoots up the chimney to his sleigh...making sure that the reindeer kick loose a few shingles in their departure. This will make the roof leak and ruin the plaster and lose Daddy thousands of dollars when he attempts to sell the home.
Santa then takes all the good toys and presents he has stolen and gives them to bad little boys and girls who do not deserve them. And these bad little children will laugh at good little children like you because they got what you wanted!
This year, maybe bad Santa will give good Saint Nick some candy to make him sick on Christmas Eve. If that happens, everybody will get "Christmas surprises" that are very surprising indeed!
JOHNNY OPTIMISM UPDATE
The free Johnny Optimism ebook promotion is over, and it was a huge success! Lots of books got download, lots of reviews have been written (thank you so much!), and a gratifying number of paperback books were purchased.
As promised, we looked at the total profit for the paperback books and it was a bit shy of $50 (there were quite a few sales, but we'd priced the book so low that there wasn't much profit per copy). In any event, we kicked the total up to $100 and made a donation from all of us to a group called "Canines for Disabled Kids." Hey, what says "Johnny and Lance" more than deserving kids getting service dogs?
Merry Christmas to one and all!
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| If you bought a paperback, then this is YOUR donation too! |
BTW, I also put a review of the Johnny Optimism book on Goodreads, and it was the highest starred item on my year's reading list. 5 solid stars (but only two Goodreads reviews.)
ReplyDeleteBless you for your good work this Christmas, and all the year through!
Oddly enuff Santa sounds exactly like the US govt with illegals ???
ReplyDeleteHeh. The nut truly didn't fall far from the tree, did it?
ReplyDeleteHappy holidays, everyone!
And a Merry Christmas to you as well sir. Hoping that a year from now, Trump will STILL be the elected POTUS and the people who hate the U.S.A. get coal in their stockings.
ReplyDeleteMorning All
ReplyDeleteI purchased 5 copies of the paper back for my neighbours kids. They are suppose to arrive in the mail this morning.
Donovan Dow
Ottawa, Canada
Mine is supposed to arrive today. I will binge read it and scurry to review it. You are a kind and generous person, no matter what I may hear on fakebook. Merry Christmas to all.
ReplyDeleteI am very, very pleased with the paperback … I envisioned a "paperback" of the novel size. What I got is a paperback of the coffee table size (8" x 10")!At $5.99, I don't see how there could have been any profit at all!?! Based on today's post, I'll wait with putting it on the Coffee Table until AFTER Santa Claus is through doing his mischief.
ReplyDeleteAfter a look at the Kindle version, it reinforced what a brilliant, yet somewhat warped mind is possessed by Mr. J. Hilarious, to be sure the artistry is superb, page after page. Might order a few hard copies for friends and self
ReplyDelete@Pat Cummings- Hey, thanks for the additional review!
ReplyDelete@REM1875- You make an excellent point.
@M. Mitchell Marmel- I'm nearly a carbon copy of my Dad. Lucky for me he was a good guy!
@Anonymous- I'm sure hoping that Trump will be the re-elected President this time next year. I couldn't ask for a better present than 4 more years of Liberals eating their own livers.
@Donovan Dow- When you say "neighbours kids," I hope you don't mean YOUNG kids! There's a warning on the book's cover for a reason. Not that there are any vulgarities or nudity, but things can get pretty dicey with Tickles the Clown sometimes. And by "sometimes" I mean "always." (grin)
@Sortahwitte- It's a pretty easy book to binge. Just eat a lot of fiber and keep the book in your bathroom!
@Chuck Baked (Macon)- Oh yeah, I didn't want to fool around and make the book teeny. Moreover, I'd originally intended for the book to be half as thick (300 cartoons), but the way things work on Amazon I'd have to charge almost as much for that as for a book twice as thick. As my primary goal with the book is to get the work out there (rather than make money), I went for the larger size. And it makes for a pretty handsome book! I do wish the paper was a bit thicker and more opaque, but it's all that Amazon offers.
And I almost have volume two ready, though I don't think there's a rush for any of us (grin).
@Sergio- Glad you enjoyed it! And let me be clear that I didn't do the drawings - rather, I paid to license them from a service and I don't even know the name of the actual artist (but wish I did). The images are so clean cut that they pair perfectly with my disturbed sense of humor!
The big brown truck of happiness brought my copy today! And even though I've read J.O. for quite a while now, I find that I can't binge read it. A couple pages at a time, but it's pretty harsh and spicy stuff. I'll just savor a nibble at a time. Thanks Stilton.
ReplyDeleteAfter seeing the "Fair Warning" on the 5 copies I received today, I will give them to the parents.
ReplyDeleteMERRY CHRISTMAS!
ReplyDeleteCHANUKAH TOVAH! 3 rd night and i forgot i'm a non smoker! lol no fire...
johnny optimism is far and away my favorite body of work ...even Tickles.
Merry Christmas, Stilt. May your new year be the best so far.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas one and all...........Peace be upon y'all.....
ReplyDeleteMERRY CHRISTMAS
ReplyDeleteReceived the new JOHNNY OPTIMISM book yesterday, WOW,
What a Christmas gift. Each cartoon is better than the prior one.
Any one with a serious illness can identify, some of us more than others!
Great work and as I say often when reading your stuff,"that guy is smoking the good stuff"
Merry Christmas
ReplyDelete