Monday, May 18, 2020

Stretching Your Stimulus

Thanks to the HEROES Act, more money will soon be flying into the bank accounts of Americans, illegal aliens and, most importantly in a time of medical crisis, political lobbyists.

And what's great about our nation is that all of those people, no matter what their race, creed, color, political affiliation, or gender identification du jour, are free to spend that money foolishly by ordering items from our own Spensive Gifts catalog...

CONGRATULATIONS! If you've been following these "Spensive Gifts" posts, you now own the entirety of the 30 year old cut-and-paste original! We still plan to turn this into an ebook (or maybe even a print book) at some point because it gives us another excuse to not go outside. If it happens you'll read about it here first!



  1. I think Uncle Joe would like one of those five headed parakeets. He wouldn't know the difference anyhow...

  2. That secret chili recipe sounds to be winner ......Anything milder than some of our Texas versions is gonna be a hit in 56 other states ........

    Stilton after reviewing the catalog I can not figure out for the life of me why you are not a multi- billionaire ???

  3. @Rem: Any attempt to consume chokingly, eye-watering spicy/hot food is the gustatory equivalent of 'Here, hold my beer' Moderation...

  4. Can we get Lefty Lucy to model the Coiled Steel Underwire Bra?
    At that point we could all agree, "It's Spring in the air!"

  5. I'm MMM, and I approve of that idea. :D

  6. You are the quickest wit I know; but with a wondering mind like yours, I sometimes wonder how you ever got out of high school. [grinning]

  7. I need summa that 'Moho' chili seasoning! I plan to use it instead of fracking, once my oil-field is open for work again...

  8. Well, I have yet to see our "stimulus" payment. Since I actually write checks to pay my taxes and do not get refunds, (or if I am entitled to one, I apply it to next year's taxes) the IRS does not have current direct deposit information on us. So I went to the IRS website to check on our status and to enter my checking account info. The first several times I tried, it just totally blew me off. A week ago, it finally acknowledged my existence and reported that we were entitled to our payment. However, by entering our adjusted gross income and previous refund amounts for the last two tax years, it wouldn't verify our legitimacy and blew me off again. So I guess I'll be waiting until July or August to see a printed and snail-mailed check. Hope these goodies from the Spensive Gifts catalog will still be in stock.

    Years ago I actually had a device similar to the can recycler. Until the '80s, cars didn't have can or cup holders, and there just was no other practical way to get your cans to the recycle center.

    Have you ever met a beaver with bad breath?

    I posses fond memories of the home-made french fries my mom would make with that same potatoe strainer.

    The women of the luckier among us have never needed the coiled steel underwire bra in order to present a unhooking hazard to our eyesight.

    Lucy: Sadly, another example of the parody inversion point. Mainstream feminism has openly and shamelessly declared that it really couldn't care less that Joe Biden is a rapist. He's not Trump, and that's enough for them.

    This should be no surprise. After all, if you can justify and defend the Clintons, what can't you justify and defend?

  9. See Amash has aborted his nascent POTUS bid. Too bad as I saw his candidacy as a vehicle to siphon off votes from "Uncle Joe", and in that regard, wonder what if any pressure/deals made from the democrats for him to quit.

  10. I need that last item! Every time I try to back over that little smart ass kid from down the street, he manages to get away somehow. "I'll get you yet, and your little dog too!"

    I thought the rule was, third party candidates ALWAYS siphon away Republican votes. You can bet, though, he got an offer he couldn't refuse!

  11. @John the Econ,
    I feel your "stimulus" pain. The IRS site wouldn't let me in at all until it surprisingly did this weekend. It tells me my snail mail check is scheduled for May 22. I may receive one before Independence Day!
    That's better performance than the Wisconsin unemployment office. Many are still waiting to even be approved for an UE check... "The check isn't in the mail"

  12. @M. Mitchell Marmel- You know, Joe had a five-headed parakeet when he was a lifeguard at a community pool where Corn Pop kept his rusty straight razor in the rain barrel so he could shave those golden leg hairs and... uh... what was I saying?

    @REM1875- Speaking of Texas cuisine, I recently some "ghost reaper" hot sauce with miso. It's delicious, but more than a drop or two and you're asking for trouble. As for my non-billionaire status, it puzzles me too. Life ain't fair (grin).

    @Fish Out of Water- I like spicy food, but draw the line at self-inflicted pain. Which doesn't keep me from watching Youtube videos of people eating preposterously hot peppers before chugging milk, drooling, puking, and then going to the emergency room.

    @Fritzchen- Lucy tells me that she's never worn a bra and isn't about to start now.

    @M. Mitchell Marmel- Well that changes everything!

    @Rod- I spent a fair amount of time in high school doodling and being distracted. And I graduated in the top half of my class. Although, in a class of 1000+, the kid just below me was in the bottom half of the class. True story!

    @Pat Cummings- That's brilliant! And gives a whole new meaning to profiting from a "gusher!"

    @Anonymous- I'm not 100% sure what you're referring to, but I'm in general agreement with your sentiment.

    @John the Econ- My daughter, wife, and I all received our funny money payments. Which is odd, because I'm pretty sure only my daughter was supposed to get one. I'd call the IRS to point out the error, only I have a pathological fear of calling their attention to myself.

    @Fish Out of Water- It's not too late to convince Biden to run as a third party candidate...

    @Colby Muenster- Of course, when I created the "back up lure" 30 years ago, there weren't cameras on the rear bumper. Youtube missed out on a lot of great video...

    @Paul- The Lord may work in mysterious ways, but He ain't got nothing on the IRS.

  13. Lucy has an aversion to bras, does she? I wager she'll regret that when she's say, in her 50s.

  14. To all who are still awaiting their "stimulus" check, don't expect much. Mine arrived, all $260.65 worth, what a stimulus!

  15. I received my "free" money check the other day. I am self-employed and a quarterly payment is due June 15. I wonder if the IRS will be surprised to get that check back...

  16. @JustaJeepGuy: I implore you, for your own sanity and freedom, do not pay your quarterly tax by returning a check written to you. I guarantee the red tape will eat up any humor value of such a maneuver, and leave you crying long after—and that's if you do manage to get the IRS to acknowledge that you have actually paid...

  17. "yellowing skin cheese". Nice visual, Stilt!

  18. @Fish Out of Water, do you really think that Lucy is capable of envisioning life in her 50s? Besides, climate change will have killed her long before that, just as it killed me 20 years ago.

    My "free" money: As with previous "stimulus" checks, I think of it as an unsolicited payday loan that the government took out in my name. In fact, they borrowed over $13,000 in my name, and then gave me less than 10% of it, and I'm supposed to be thrilled. When people ask me what I'm doing with my "free" money, I tell them that I'm paying my quarterly taxes, which in this case, my stimulus won't even cover the interest that will ultimately be due on the money borrowed in my name.

  19. This whole Covid-19 money laundering scheme is crazy.

    I retired from a good paying job of 16 years and then went to work for one of my ex customers, full time, seasonal (summer). I got laid off at Thanksgiving with an expected return date of April 1st. Well, the joke was on me (see what I did there). Couldn't go back because the company was virtually shut down by the shelter in place nonsense. Still not back to work. Here's the kicker.

    I was collecting unemployment to the tune of $790.00 a week and then the Covid windfall of another $600.00 a week. So I am now getting paid $1400.00 a week to stay home and work on my motorcycle and other projects I have been trying get done. F'n INSANE, but hey, who's complaining. Not me.

    I probably will be complaining once the inevitable double digit inflation shows up. I hate the thought of having to go to the store for a loaf of bread with a wheel barrel full of money. Welcome to Wehrmacht Germany, or for a more current reference, Venezuela.

  20. Hmmmm. The stay at home recommendation here in Az. expired days ago. Most everything has reopened. However, even with massively increased testing, the daily count of new positive cases has been steadily dropping.
    How can that be? I thought that if we left our homes and tried to resume our lives we were all going to die!


  21. @Pat Cummings,

    You make a good point. The IRS has never been known for its institutional sense of humor. And my tolerance for any institution without a sense of humor is pretty much nonexistent. I shall take your advice to heart.