The Right To Remain Silenced

What with ideological purity tests heading our way (with judgment and sentencing to be dispensed by Amazon, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Citibank, and many more), this is a good time to be boning up on articles of Progressive catechism that you can use to bluff your way out of a firing squad (the only use of a wall that liberals actually approve of).

Because the things that liberals believe aren't necessarily logical, it's best just to memorize this stuff rather than trying to think about it when you're on the spot. For one thing, if you're caught "thinking" you're already screwed. So remember, when posing as a progressive:

• You sure as hell don't want impoverished black kids to have school choice, because that might put crappity-ass union teachers out of work. 

• You believe, even on Martin Luther King Day, that it is our duty to judge people on the basis of their skin rather than the content of their character.

• Everyone needs a free college education before landing a minimum-wage job that, by law, should pay enough to raise a family of six in exquisite comfort.

• Rich people didn't earn their money. And it's not even their money - it's yours! All of it! Also, the gold in their fillings!

• Using a second square of toilet paper will cause the end of the world.

• 12-year-olds should definitely get to vote. Or really, children of any age who can recognize the letter "D."

• Fossil fuels are bad because they come from dinosaurs WHO KILLED PEOPLE so it's pretty damn obvious that their fermented juice wants to kill us, too.

• Nobody actually knows their own gender or anyone else's. Don't ask, don't tell, don't assume, don't look, don't look away. If something wants to have sex with you, you're a bigot unless you say yes.

• Human fetuses are NOT people and NOT alive so they're technically okay for vegans to eat.

If you're asked any questions not covered by this list, just start to giggle and claim that your "mind is kinda blown because I just smoked some sweet, sweet weed," then invite your inquisitors to join you in a hunt for some bitchin' pizza or doughnuts or something. Odds are they'll go with you.

DOUBLE INDIGNITY

In theory, today is the day that Nancy Pelosi and the House Dems will once again file articles of impeachment against Donald Trump. He is accused of causing riots, violence, and death by making incendiary political remarks which, being the tools long used by the Democrats (especially in 2020), represents a potentially significant copyright infringement.

While many Americans wonder what the Big Honkin' Deal is, what with President Trump clearly innocent of the named charges and already out the door in a few days, it turns out that there are little-known ramifications of a kind never before seen in American political history. Ramifications known only to Constitutional scholars and, in our case, day-drinkers.

Because if a President is impeached twice and convicted, his name and visage is to be stricken from all public records, and the original opposing candidate - Hillary Clinton, in this case - will be digitally inserted into the history books...

Biden & Harris would still take office as scheduled (by the Chinese), but Mrs. Clinton would at least have an imaginary term on paper and in the digital cloud. And this would be a pretty sweet deal for Hillary who, besides becoming the first woman president, would also be able to take credit for a wildly revitalized economy, a term with no new wars, and such remarkable foreign policy successes that Nobel Peace Prize nominations have been stacking up.

President Hillary would also be heralded for having rebuilt the military, restored American jobs, and bringing unparalleled improvement to every metric of the lives of minorities and the working class. And when the going got tough when a pandemic hit, it was digitally-inserted Hillary who bravely and presciently shut down our nation's borders and instituted a vaccine-development program which would produce successful results on a timetable that every expert said would be impossible. All accomplishments that the Democrats will lustily cheer as historic successes for their party.

Yes, that Hillary Clinton was one hell of a virtual president alright.