The Sick Census

A bizarre moment occurred during Wednesday night's Democratic debate (Thursday's edition hasn't yet happened at the time of this writing) when Irishman Robert Francis O'Rourke suddenly channeled a spirit entity called "Beto" who used his horse-faced human host to start spouting vague platitudes in Spanish. The other candidates were clearly confused, but did their best to pretend that they didn't see anything wrong with this.

And that's not surprising, because it's increasingly what the government is forcing us all to do: pretend that we don't see and don't hear our nation's accelerating shift to an Hispanic culture owing to the massive influx of illegal aliens.

As a quite literal case in point, yesterday the Supreme Court ruled that the Trump administration can't include the question "are you a U.S. citizen?" on the 2020 Census questionnaire.  Or more accurately, they ruled that the President does have the right to put that question on the questionnaire, but the Supreme Court is still rejecting it for now because they think that the administration's stated reason for asking the question isn't "the real reason." In other words, the Supreme Court is saying that they won't let Trump exercise legitimate Constitutional power because, according to the carefully considered majority opinion, "Orange man bad."

Including illegals in the Census count (and making no distinction between them and actual citizens) has multiple ripple effects. Among the most important, this blindfolded count will determine how much federal benefit money is sent to the states, and how many Congressional seats each region will have. And unsurprisingly, both conditions have Democrats salivating.

Insuring that illegal aliens have the same access to taxpayer-funded benefits and political representation as actual citizens makes citizenship itself meaningless. And that's an idea that no political party should enthusiastically embrace.

There's still a small chance that the citizenship question could end up in the 2020 Census. But time is running out at the same time tens of thousands of illegal aliens are running in.

FROM THE VAULT

Come out from behind that mask, Beto!

Mass Debaters

Hurry, hurry, hurry! Step right up to the greatest show on Earth! See the odd, the unusual, and the bizarre! The freaks, the geeks, and nature's mistakes are all inside, all alive, and can walk, talk, and crawl on their bellies like reptiles! And they all promise to throw money at you!

Okay, that's not the actual ballyhoo for the two nights of Democrat debates which begin this evening, but it might as well be considering all the weird crap we're likely to see and hear. With apologies to the great P.T. Barnum, no one has ever convened such a "congress of oddities" before. In total, we'll hear from twenty candidates on Wednesday and Thursday, each of whom will be trying to put their personal spin on topics like the imminent end of the world from climate change, reparations for slavery, the end of income inequality, free socialized everything, wide open borders, restriction (or repeal) of 1st and 2nd Amendment rights, forgiveness of college loans, and no-questions-asked legalized abortion up until the time the fetus is old enough to personally file an amicus brief in court.

To set an appropriate tone, we can only hope (but sadly doubt) that there will be jolly calliope music playing during the debates, that the audience will be chomping on corn dogs and cotton candy, and that the floors will be covered with sawdust in case anyone throws up.

Lacking any ideas of substance, all of the candidates are hoping to bribe voters with budget-busting giveaways, with Bernie Sanders currently leading the pack with his $2.2 trillion plan to forgive college debt and make college not only free, but an actual right.

We can't predict exactly what goodies the Democrat candidates will be promising, but we think overall the process may closely parallel a passage from one of our favorite (and clearly prescient considering it was published in 2011) social satires, "CLUMP: An American Splatire."

In the book, an elected political figure desperately tries to curry favor with voters by immediately replacing "the pursuit of happiness" with "the guarantee of happiness" in 10 easy federally-mandated steps...

1) 100% free healthcare including liposuction, Viagra, and breast implants.
2) College degrees will be issued without the requirement of attending college.
3) All existing debts will be cancelled; nobody owes anything to anybody.
4) Unemployment benefits will be permanent and twice the minimum wage.
5) All cars will get 100 miles per gallon and their exhaust will be pure oxygen with a "fresh pine" scent.
6) Everything served in a restaurant will always be on a 99¢ value menu.
7) Fitness guidelines will be revised so that every American meets the federal definition of "hot."
8) 50 bonus points will be added to the IQ score of every American.
9) There will be no more taxes of any kind except on the Evil Rich.
10) Everyone will go to Heaven.

Still quoting from the book:

"The groundswell of sheer, unbridled joy in America was seismic. People were high-fiving in the streets, laughing, crying, and hugging complete strangers. It was as if the bloody and long-fought war against meritocracy had finally drawn to a victorious close.

This unprecedented national euphoria lasted an entire day, then died the next morning as abruptly as a beef cow smacked with a sledgehammer. Because that's when the stock market plunged like an Acapulco cliff diver."

A cautionary tale, or an actual preview of coming attractions? Thanks to the Democratic debates, we'll start finding out tonight.

BONUS: CONCENTRATION SUMMER CAMPS

Wow, AOC can dance and act!

The Carroll and Shtick Approach

It's been a remarkably consistent week for President Trump: he was going to obliterate Iran, then it didn't happen. He was going to have ICE raids on illegals all over the country, then it didn't happen. And now he's been accused of rape by a woman selling a book about how awful men are, and we're pretty damn sure it didn't happen either.

Advice columnist E. Jean Carroll who, in her spare time, conducts twice-weekly walking tours disparaging "The Most Hideous Men of New York City," claims that in "1975 or 1976," Trump was overcome with lust for her while they shared a dressing room in the Bergdorf Goodman department store. Both were fully clothed at the time (she never even dropped her handbag), but Carroll claims that Trump managed to hold her against a wall while simultaneously unzipping his fly and pulling down her tights, after which he "thrust his penis halfway - or completely, I'm not certain - inside me." After which she pushed him aside, ran from the dressing room, and cleverly escaped on a slow-moving escalator without alerting anyone at the store or mentioning it in public for a quarter century.

Ms. Carroll, the author of the coincidentally just-released "What Do We Need Men For?", denies Donald Trump's claim that she's lying to sell more books and states categorically that she's telling the absolute truth and has only come forward to revitalize her career as a fading porn star and stripper. No, wait - that was Stormy Daniels, the only woman on the "gentleman's club" circuit who has to give 75¢ in change to anyone who tucks a dollar bill in her g-string.

Ms. Carroll says that she has no intention of filing charges against President Trump, because she "would find it disrespectful to the women who are down on the border who are being raped around the clock down there without any protection. It would just be disrespectful."

So as a famous and celebrated advice columnist, she would tell women not to report being raped in order to show respect to other women who are getting raped?! We should definitely get into the "advice columnist" racket, as apparently the entry requirements are pretty much nonexistent.

Rape is a very serious matter, but the sad epidemic of rape taking place at our southern border could be greatly reduced by closing the borders as Trump wants to do, rather than having liberals keep them wide open as an enticing lure to women and children...and their rapists.

And we've been told, repeatedly, that every woman who cries rape needs to be believed without question. Sadly, the circus of wild unsubstantiated lies at the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings has made that an exceedingly foolish thing to do. For which actual rape victims who are disbelieved can thank political hatchet-wielders like Gloria Allred, Michael Avenatti, Senate Democrats and, we're betting, E. Jean Carroll.

Stupidity on Parade

Proving once again that her nitwittery has no limits, AOC has again riled up the Right with a tweet declaring, "the United States is running concentration camps on our southern border, and that is exactly what they are. They are concentration camps."

Far from backing away from this odious statement, AOC has doubled down on the "accuracy" of her tweet by saying that concentration camps weren't the same as death camps. This is pretty much a distinction without a difference, considering the countless WWII prisoners who died agonizing deaths owing to starvation, exhaustion, exposure to the elements, vicious abuse, and an almost complete lack of medical care. All of which occurred under the ever-present threat of being sent to a death camp.

Sometimes, stupidity can be amusing. At other times, it is dangerous and repugnant. This is one of those times.

FROM THE VAULT...

Since potential war with Iran is being talked about a lot, we thought this might be a good time for a quick retrospective to show just how the Ayatollahs got the idea that America could be pushed around.

We begin by going back to 2009, when a people's revolution failed after receiving no support or even encouragement from Iran's best buddy...

Jumping ahead, let's consider Obama's infamous "Iran Deal," which was intended to be the centerpiece of his legacy. And, if war breaks out, it actually may be...

We hope that the tension surrounding Iran ramps down peacefully. But if it doesn't, we would do well to remember who it was that shipped $400 million in cash to Iran in the dark of night, and planted the dangerous idea that the United States would always back down from a challenge.

PROOF OR CONSEQUENCES...

Some weeks ago, we shared the story of Mrs. Jarlsberg's quest to apply for Social Security, and the "entirely random" selection of her name as a possible fraud case, forcing her to report to the local office with every piece of legal identification she'd ever been issued. After a torturous DMV-style wait in what AOC would surely call a concentration camp, the authorities ultimately agreed that she was who she claimed to be, but still rejected her claim until such time as her husband was also a ward of the state.

So we filled out our application online and hit the send button. Several weeks passed, at which point we were told by the Social Security Administration that our name had also been "entirely randomly" selected as another possible fraud case. What a crazy and entirely unsuspicious coincidence!

So now, we'll have to make another trip to that bureaucratic hellhole to prove our identity. And this in a country where illegals get free driver's licenses and tax refunds without actually filing. We haven't yet been told when we need to appear before the tribunal, but we've already got a darn good looking birth certificate ready to present...

Street Fighting Ma'am

Joe Biden continues to lead the pack (well, by now it's a herd) of Democrat presidential candidates, and he's just made it abundantly clear what it is that makes him different from all the others: his bloodlust and willingness to implement a "final solution" to handle those on the Right.

Biden's declaration of war was made during an address to the Moral Action Congress of the Poor People's Campaign (no, seriously) following a question about what he would do as president if those darned Republicans obstructed his agenda like they did when Obama had a super-majority. Yes, yes - we know that the Republicans weren't able to obstruct anything, but just try telling that to a Democrat.

At any rate, Battlin' Biden said when it comes to congressional Republican resistance, "there are certain things that take a brass knuckle fight," later snarling "Let's start a real physical revolution if that's what you're talking about!" And he probably would have capped off the remark with a throat-ripping Howard Dean-style berserker scream were it not for the likelihood that the shock might kill a number of geriatrics in the audience. Or at the very least, cause blowouts in their Depends.

It's hard for us to picture exactly what a Joe Biden revolution would look like, but we're pretty sure that hand-to-hand combat would be replaced with "hands-to-inappropriately-personal-areas" combat, and that members of the Biden infantry would stand on the balconies of their mansions shooting shotgun blasts into the air.

It's a terrifying picture, and we can only pray that the Moral Action Congress of the Poor People's Campaign will ignore Biden's calls for violence. And change their ridiculous freaking name.

FROM THE VAULT...

Power Press

"Jim Acosta, put on that dunce cap or get the hell out."

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders has announced that she's leaving her position at the end of the month, and she will be sorely missed. Or at least, she'll be sorely missed by those of us who appreciated her strength, her humor, her intelligence, and her mastery of facts. And more than that, her delectable ability and willingness to rip new superhighway-sized buttholes in the many aggressively ignorant poltroons in the Press Room.

Which is why the mainstream media is unsurprisingly doing their best to savage this fine woman on her way out. A quick check of "news" related to her departure offers up nice, neutral headlines like these: "Sarah Sanders was the disdainful Queen of Gaslighting (Washington Post)," "With Sarah Sanders Leaving, Trump Now Lies Along (USA Today)," "As Sarah Sanders Signs Off, a Look Back at Her Biggest Lies (Vanity Fair)," "Sarah Sanders' Legacy: The Death of the White House Press Briefing (CNN)."

During her tenure, many on the supposedly pro-women Left decided if they couldn't match wits with her, they'd attack her personally. Her weight, her makeup, her clothing choices, and her Arkansas roots were all mocked viciously and repeatedly, clearly demonstrating the hypocrisy and snobbishness of the Progressive Left. And Sarah handled it all with unflappable style and wit.

It's hard to conceive of a tougher job than that which Ms. Sanders has handled so impressively, and hard to imagine who can now do the job as capably. There are fun speculations out there: not only our own Busty Ross, but names like James Woods, Mark Steyn, Diamond and Silk, Greg Gutfeld, Jordan Peterson, Gilbert Gottfried, Roseanne Barr, ventriloquist Jeff Dunham and "Walter," and (our personal favorite) Deadpool.

Whoever gets the job, we hope they're as willing to bring the fight to a combative Press Corps as was Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She should be proud of her service, and we eagerly look forward to seeing how she will dumbfound and torture those on the Left in the future.

We didn't make this, but it's too good not to share again.

Eastern Double Standard Time

Political leftists dropped to the ground yesterday while experiencing eye-bugging, spit-foaming, limb-wrenching paroxysms of pure joy. This was not because they had been drinking from a mini-bar in the Dominican Republic (unfortunately), but rather because they thought that Donald Trump had finally been caught admitting that he's a collusion-loving, election-stealing traitor beholden to foreign powers.

As always, they couldn't possibly have gotten the story more wrong, but that didn't stop all of the usual Fake News outlets from reporting a non-event as if it were the crime of the century (typical headline: "Every Member of Team Trump Now Enabling Treason").

For those with a taste for actual facts, in an interview with ABC News correspondent George Stuffanappleupyourass, Trump was asked hypothetically if his 2020 campaign team would accept information from foreigners about opponents, or call the FBI. Trump answered, "I think you do both. There's nothing wrong with listening. If somebody called from a country, Norway, with information, I think I'd want to hear it. If I thought there was something wrong, I'd go maybe to the FBI."

All of which is entirely ethical, appropriate, and standard operating procedure by every candidate in every election. Which is why we found it hard to believe when former (and probably current) Clinton hatchet man Streptococcolous feigned wide-eyed ignorance regarding the very concept of opposition research.

Trump has, of course, complained about the way the Fake News media is twisting his words. In turn, they will surely accuse him of being anti-semantic.

Speechless

Our lips aren't moving today either, because nothing in the news really seemed fun to comment on. Trump and Biden calling each other names? AOC claiming that she (and other Representatives) needs a raise from her $174,000 annual salary to make corruption less tempting? A cobweb-covered John Dean testifying before Jerry "I've Got a Saline Drip Under My Coat" Nadler that Trump's alleged obstruction of justice is Watergate all over again? Nope, we ain't gonna do it.

But rather than leave you completely empty-handed, we decided to post the photo above which, we believe, is the earliest known image of Robert Mueller when he was still working in vaudeville.

As always, the comments section is open for intellectual discussions about the news of the day, world events, or what the heck kind of glue is used to stick roses on a lady's thermostats.

STOP THE PRESSES!

Okay, we weren't going to do a topical cartoon, but then this happened...

While dozens of Democrat presidential wannabees are offering "everything free for everyone forever," Joe Biden has upped the ante by declaring that as president he will cure cancer. And, if elected for a second term, he will presumably raise the dead.

As campaign promises go, that's a whopper - and pretty hard to swallow considering that Joe thought Obamacare was a "big f*cking deal" because it would make health insurance dirt cheap and, if you liked your doctor, you could keep your doctor. That didn't happen, and a lot of patients who liked their oncologists weren't able to keep their oncologists.

And what is there in Biden's past that suggests he has the leadership and scientific acumen to cure cancer? Keep in mind that this is the same bumbling idiot who Obama gave the critically important job of combating violence in videogames...

Curing cancer should indeed be a national priority, and there's nothing wrong with a candidate saying that they'll increase research funding. But to actually promise a cure is an appalling attempt to take political advantage of those suffering with cancer as well as anyone who has lost friends and family members to this devastating illness. And that's all of us.

We suggest that Joe Biden spend time looking into a cure for shamelessness before setting his sights on loftier targets.

Carp Demon

Recently we've seen a lot of ugliness and craziness in our political scene, but every now and then it's good to get a little perspective and realize that things could be even more jaw-dropping and, dare we say, entertaining. We've been brought to this realization after learning that North Korea's Kim "Poppin' Fresh" Jong-un recently executed a general who was suspected of disloyalty by having him thrown in a giant fish tank which was filled with several hundred razor-toothed piranha.

Piranha in their native Brazilian waters are well known to be capable of stripping an entire cow in under five minutes. Mind you, we're not sure who would want to watch a cow strip, but we're guessing it's the same crowd who still pays to see Stormy Daniels' act.

Kim has executed so many political opponents, advisors, military figures, and family members that he's developed an enthusiasm for staging the deaths in highly theatrical ways. The piranha tank was inspired by the James Bond film "You Only Live Twice," and the mischievous porkpie potentate has also offed those who disappoint him using an anti-tank gun, tigers, beheadings, and flame throwers. We don't know if he's discovered the "Saw" movie franchise yet, but when he does it would be a really good idea to not be in North Korea. Especially if you can be linked to that "porkpie" comment.

But despite today's playful cartoon, we wouldn't actually want President Trump to be thinning the ranks of those involved in an attempted coup in such colorful and highly kinetic ways. Although, since he's already being called a Nazi, the Antichrist, and worse ("Capitalist!") it wouldn't hurt his reputation much...and might make for a darn good reality show in the vein of "The Apprentice."

It would, at the very least, be one heck of a reality check for those in Washington.

Shrieker of the House

The above cartoon accurately quotes the seditious Nancy Pelosi, but the words we've put in Trump's mouth simply represent our fantasy...and what we've been personally muttering about Pelosi for quite awhile.

Pelosi's remarks were made while she was conspiring with Jerry "Quick, Get Me An Orange" Nadler and other high-ranking Democrats about whether or not to impeach Trump. Meanwhile, the President was busy overseas, commemorating the 75th Anniversary of D-Day, meeting with heads of state, and "winning hugely" on every front.

Pelosi, on the other hand, is caught in an internal power struggle amongst Democrats who are torn (albeit not in the drawn-and-quartered sense, we're sorry to say) about a possible impeachment action against Trump. Pelosi is fighting the tide in her own party, saying that Trump should not be impeached because it will galvanize his base for the 2020 election, and that she would rather see him defeated at the polls and subsequently tried, convicted, and imprisoned for his "crimes."

Additionally, Pelosi is telling the pitchforks-and-torches contingent in her party that for an impeachment to proceed, two important conditions must be met: public support and strong bipartisan backing. We would have thought another necessary condition would be having evidence of high crimes and misdemeanors, but apparently Nancy can skip this inconsequential Constitutional detail as long as she feels like her withered political ass is covered.

FROM THE CRYPT...ER, VAULT

D-Day 75th Anniversary

Today marks the 75th anniversary of D-Day, the battle that helped turned the tide of World War II - but at a terrible cost in human lives. When the first wave arrived at Normandy Beach, the casualty rate was an unthinkable 90%. Yet wave after wave kept arriving and kept fighting their way to the heavily fortified cliff tops.

Many thousands of our fallen remain in Normandy today, their resting places marked with simple white crosses. Row upon row of memorials to young lives given in the name of freedom and liberation.

Let us never forget their sacrifice, nor give too little credit and appreciation to all who serve and have served in uniform through the years. Some gave all...all gave some. We are in their debt.

Film at Eleavenworth

Because Hollywood wasn't already sickening enough, Hillary Clinton and daughter Chelsea have just announced their intention to create a new production company which will "plan to focus on stories by and about women." Including, we presume, those many unfortunate women born with tallywhackers.

The duo are following in the footsteps of other political figures who have recently struck big development deals, including Barack and Michelle Obama, Valerie Jarrett, and Susan Rice - all of whom will bring a rich diversity of socio-political voices to an industry which was starving for politically correct Progressive content.

The company being formed by Hillary and Chelsea (who are already involved in aggressive fundraising) is intended to capture the nation's hearts and minds from the very start...

Impressively, Bleachbitch Productions already has a full slate of films in the works (none of which will be shot in Georgia owing to an expected shortage of dead babies) which will appeal to fans of every film genre. To date, the projects announced include:

THE STOLEN THRONE (Historical Drama) - On the eve of the coronation of a new Queen, an evil court jester seizes power with help from scheming cossacks and deplorable peasants.

OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEBB (Comedy) - A young socialite is stunned to realize that she's the spitting image of her mother's ham-faced goofball former law partner.

GLOW (Action Thriller) - Cancer-stricken Russian orphans will die without radiation treatments. With time running out, one woman risks everything to get them a life-saving supply of U.S. uranium.

HONEY, I ERASED YOUR WEDDING (Comedy) - The wedding of the century is put at risk when the bride's mother accidentally erases a computer hard drive containing all the plans.

DEVIL WITH THE BLUE DRESS (Horror) - A family's personal and professional lives become a living Hell when they're haunted by a vengeful spirit in a stained dress.

IT'S A LIVING! (Romantic Comedy) - She's young, in love, and a con-artist who skims donations from third world dysentery victims. Now she'll take any job to keep her boyfriend from finding out!

ARKANCIDE (Suspense) - One by one, a powerful woman's enemies are dying in strange ways. To clear her name, she must find the real killer with the help of a dangerously violent former football player.

They all sound great and they're all coming soon to a theater, or federal prison, near you!

Shoes for Industry

Okay, by this time you all know the drill. We've looked at the tangled can of worms that is currently the "news" (Example: "Did Trump call Meghan Markle 'nasty' and, if so, why does that add to the urgent need to impeach him? We'll ask our panel of experts...") and decided we'd rather not play that particular game today.

Soooo, we've once again grabbed a perfectly innocent piece of clip art and added enough punchlines to hopefully assure you of at least one laugh today. Which is still more than you'd get from looking at current events.

In keeping with this thought, let us share this fun country-rock ballad co-written by The Five's own Greg Gutfeld and performed by co-writer John Rich (with The Five doing the call-and-response background vocals). We appreciate the song's sentiment, and will also point out that the song is available on all major services with 100% of the profit going to charity. Because that's how capitalism beats the crap out of socialism. But there we go, talking about politics again...