I've Got A Fraud In My Throat

The more detailed information we get on the recent election returns, the more impossible it becomes to believe that Joe Biden managed to "win" against all statistical precedent unless a long, long list of election improprieties was actually vote fraud on a massive scale.

Trump is still making legal challenges, but seemingly without much help from the DOJ or the FBI. Let alone the media, which suddenly has no curiosity whatsoever about how the literally impossible happened in swing state after swing state after counting was suddenly stopped and observers removed, following which there was a literally unbelievable surge for Joe Biden when new "votes" started appearing by the truckload and counting resumed, unobserved, in the dark of night.

As we've said here before, we will never accept Biden as president, nor believe that this was a fair and uncompromised election. We can only hope that somehow Trump prevails in the courts. Otherwise, Democracy is as dead as last Thursday's turkey carcass. 

In the meanwhile, Biden is still play-acting at being the president-elect...

"It's kind of a tradition"

BACK(DOOR) TO THE FUTURE

First things first: before anyone gets the vapors, you should know that you're looking at the hole in a cake donut in the cartoon above. And our sincere apologies to anyone who was eating a cake donut while reading this.

But pastry aside, that doesn't make Barack Obama any less of a talking asshole. While pushing his 27th autobiography, he's now spouting endless lies and revisions of recent history which give us a throbbing headache the like of which we haven't had in four years. For him to accuse Trump of putting (ahem) "undocumented workers" in "cages" that Obama himself built raises hypocrisy to an almost metaphysical level.

Barry also accused President Trump of saying "bad things, racial things, about Hispanics" (which isn't true) before himself going on a diatribe about how Hispanics gave Trump a lot of votes because they're homophobes and misogynists who don't give a sweet fiddly-damn about human rights. Which raises an interesting question: why is Biden's top priority in these plague-ridden times to give amnesty and citizenship to 11 million of these apparently dreadful people?

LAST BUT DEFINITELY NOT LEAST

There will be paper hats, party horns, and cheap champagne (Alma brut) today in the Jarlsberg household as we celebrate Mrs. J's birthday! We keep such celebrations small, even when the four horsemen of the apocalypse aren't restricting the number of diners in 5-star restaurants with strolling violin players. But that makes the day no less special, and we hope you'll join us in wishing the ever-wonderful Mrs. J a very Happy Birthday indeed!

Black Friday

 Everyone likes Thanksgiving leftovers, right? At least, that's the theory behind our doing this repost of our "Black Friday" blog from several years ago, so we can continue to enjoy our tryptophan coma rather than working, thinking, or moving today. We'll probably still fart and scratch from time to time but, truthfully, that's not really limited to the day after Thanksgiving.

Robinson Crusoe goes shopping

2020 BONUS: WHIZ KID

Okay, we hadn't planned on doing a topical cartoon today, but we can't resist commenting on Joe Biden's Thanksgiving address to the nation, in which he attempted to quote the Bible and said "we can proclaim a palmist, with a palmist who wrote these following words..."

The actual word on his teleprompter was "psalmist," which the lifelong Catholic has apparently never seen nor spoken aloud before. 

Many Happy Returns

As long as this is looking like a weird Thanksgiving, we just thought we'd go for it in the cartoon above. But all kidding aside, even in a year as screwed up as this one, we all have a lot to be thankful for - and a day devoted to reflecting on gratitude is just what we've been needing. 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to you and your family from all of us here at Stilton's Place!

OREGON OF THE SPECIOUS

You may have seen in the news that Oregon's Governor, Kate Brown, is telling citizens to call the police on any neighbors who dare to have more than six people present for Thanksgiving. Which would be bad enough on its masked face, but is made considerably worse by the fact that this same Governor presided over months of street violence because she believes cops are violent thugs who shoot people just for the sheer hell of it.

To be sure, she was only offended by needless Black deaths from police violence, but what would she have Oregonians do if their neighbor with a seventh family member at Thanksgiving is Black? Should SWAT still be called in to shoot Great Grandma if she resists arrest? ("We had no choice - she wouldn't drop the greenbean casserole.")

Still, Governor Brown has accomplished one thing this Thanksgiving: she's made us awfully thankful that we don't live under her fascist rule.

THE BABYLON BEE-MINUS

Barring a major news development, we're going to be taking Friday off. But to help tide you over, we're offering up a selection of headlines which we've been playfully submitting to a user forum over at The Babylon Bee (our favorite online humor site). Enjoy!

Unjust Desserts

If you're finding the election results very hard to swallow, there's a good reason why. And to us, it's also an obvious reason, though our liberal friends who natter "there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud" are blind to it. Which is why we'd like them to conduct the following little thought experiment.

On National Choose Your Dessert Day, you're presented with two sealed boxes. One is marked "Apple Pie" and the other is marked "Dog Poop." You have to pick one and eat the contents, but the choice is entirely up to you. Those who are administering the procedure won't attempt to influence you in any way when you're making your choice, and you've been clearly and repeatedly assured that the boxes are labeled with complete accuracy. Once your choice is made, no one but you will open the box, ensuring you get exactly what you chose.

So which box do you pick, knowing you'll have to chow down on the contents?

Probably the box that says "apple pie," right? Which is a shame, because now you have to eat a large, steaming pile of dog poop. The delicious fresh-baked apple pie with streusel crumbles and a solid gold fork (also yours to keep) was in the other box. Because the labels on the boxes were lies and the people who assured you they were accurate were liars.

The selection process was fair and not rigged in any way and no amount of investigation will show otherwise. Don't like the outcome? Go ahead and take your case to the Supreme Court. They'll not only rule that the process was fair, but Chief Justice John Roberts will also give you a hefty "contempt of court" fine because your breath smells like dog ass.

But while the process was fair, the selection itself was "fixed" before you ever made your choice and got that "I Had Dessert" sticker applied to your vomit-streaked shirt.

And this, of course, is how the presidential election was "fixed" without the need for faked ballots, nefarious computer algorithms, or a big turnout by The Voting Dead. For four years, people were repeatedly lied to and told that President Trump was inside a box falsely marked "racist, sexist, lunatic, fascist, Russian agent" while the other box was labeled "Honest Joe Biden with Delicious Streusel Crumbles." A label you could only read after brushing away a cloud of buzzing flies. 

People were free to choose...they just weren't free to know what they were really choosing.

Which raises three important questions: how soon should "unity and healing" begin after a fixed election, how long should we keep letting a cabal of liars get away with distorting our choices, and when in the living hell will Democrats realize that their own mouths aren't full of apple pie?

UPDATE/CLARIFICATION

Just to be clear, as the Invisible Man used to say, today's post is not intended to say that there wasn't a wide and rich variety of voting fraud. We think there was and, whether or not it was enough to tip the election, there needs to be a rigorous investigation followed by prosecutions and appropriate wall-and-blindfold-based punishment.

Our point is that even if that happens and even if no direct fraud is shown to have taken place (fat chance), it wouldn't change our opinion that the election was "fixed" by four years of false information beaten into the American electorate. Which is why we'll never, never accept this election or its results as legitimate.

Feather Dust-Up

Thanksgiving is only days away, and it's already clear what Democrats will be giving thanks for: another opportunity to use their Covid-enhanced political power to make people miserable. 

Around the country, Thanksgiving gatherings are being limited in terms of the number of people who can attend, the number of different families (ie, from different households even if the same biological family), and duration of the event - no hanging around for seconds, televised football games, or asking people if anything happened in 2020 to be grateful for. Not that it would take a long time to answer that last question.

The most draconian mandate we've heard so far is limiting the Thanksgiving dinner to only 6 people. Which makes us wonder what our niece's family of 8 (under one roof) is expected to do. Will they draw straws to see who has to stand outside while the rest of the family bow their heads in prayer? Can those losers eventually be fed, or must leftovers be destroyed in the interest of national health? And will the excluded family members have to file a federal lawsuit to allow them to recount their blessings? 

We don't know, but we're certainly getting tired of government overreach and bureaucrats who order us to grab our ankles so they can give us a good stuffing. And we're not talking Pepperidge Farms.

SIDE DISH

As long as we're talking about Thanksgiving and actively avoiding the alleged "news," here's an old food-themed doodle from the hand of Stilton Jarlsberg. It is unknown if there will be a similar cartoon in the coming days about green bean casserole.

Distaff Meeting

We've seen multiple articles suggesting that the recent election "results" are most attributable to women, which is surprising because we didn't know that the coded algorithms in voting machines can have periods.

Still, it seemed only right to bring our female contributors to the fore today because, frankly, we could watch the two of them debate all day. Or perhaps for the next four years.

BONUS: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY WALK INTO CANDOR

In his thuddingly ponderous new book, "A Promised Land," Barack Obama answers one of the great burning questions associated with his legacy: why the hell he picked a whackjob political hack like Joe Biden for the vice presidential slot?

"One of the reasons I'd chosen Joe to act as an intermediary," says B. Hussein, "was my awareness that in McConnell's mind, negotiations with the vice president didn't inflame the Republican base in quite the same way that any appearance of cooperation with (Black, Muslim socialist) Obama was bound to do."

Granted, he's inserted parentheses to make it clear that these were what he thought people's perceptions were - although it gets a bit confusing why he's apparently denying being a Muslim socialist and Black.

But getting back to Joe Biden, Obama was somewhat concerned that Gropin' Joe's "lack of a filter periodically got him in trouble," and that he would "share whatever popped into his head." But these drawbacks were overlooked because Biden was "decent, honest, and loyal" and presumably could also fetch, roll over, and play dead (traditionally a vice president's biggest responsibility).

The former president also made clear that Joe Biden repeatedly opposed the raid which killed Osama bin Laden, but finally gave Mr. Obama the advice to "follow your instincts," which firmly established that the vice president was a man with an unflinching gift for plausible deniability.

Which brings us to this blast from the past...

In the wake of Osama bin Laden's widely reported (if little seen) death, information has been released stating that the terrorist leader felt there was no real point in killing vice president Joe Biden because of his unimportance. 

Hope n' Change feels compelled to come to Mr. Biden's defense. Obviously he's important, or he wouldn't have had access to the top secret information that the raid in Pakistan was carried out by Seal Team Six...information that he then revealed to the world (and to terrorists eager to seek revenge) despite having agreed not to share any operational details of the mission. Oops! So widespread is Mr. Biden's gaffe that the Walt Disney company has just trademarked the name "Seal Team Six" for commercial exploitation, which rather underscores the Mickey Mouse nature of the vice president's policy on secrecy.

Fortunately for Mr. Biden, the news media hasn't focused much on his "not worth killing" status because of something far more important discovered in Osama bin Laden's lair. Pornography! Apparently there was plenty of it, though currently there are no plans to show it to the public.

According to Barack Obama, the material which he has personally reviewed is "very graphic" and "should not be treated as a trophy" and will only be shared with the president's closest friends and advisors and, perhaps, Charlie Sheen. -Unless Biden gets his hands on it...in which case "72 Virgins Gone Wild" and "Camel Humps" will be found on his Facebook page. -

Oh Barry Me Not

In today's confusing and ever-shifting landscape of smoke, mirrors, and outright lies, it's nice to know that some things never change. Like the fact that Barack Obama is still a divisive race-baiting piece of excrement, and we still enjoy mocking him.

Barry is currently schlepping yet another autobiography, this one titled "A Promised Land." And as usual, the man who helped set America's streets on fire is eager to attack those darn persons of no-color. In his book, he attributes President Trump's election to the idea that the Orange Man was "an elixir for the racial anxiety of millions of Americans spooked by a black man in the White House," adding "my very presence in the White House triggered a deep-seated panic." Of course, we agree with that latter statement for myriad policy reasons that have nothing to do with his race.

Also popping up in the public eye like an unwanted stye is Michelle Obama, who has rejected the idea of "unity and healing" (which, in fairness, we have too) and recently tweeted that "tens of millions of people voted for the status quo, even when it meant supporting lies, hate, chaos, and division." So we're again reminded that when she was forcing inner city kids to work her White House vegetable garden, Michelle was at least able to provide all the manure needed.

But getting back to B. Hussein's literary efforts (and self-absorption), let's pay a little visit to some of our past observations on the subject...

And we can't resist sharing this post from 2010 in its entirety...

 

The ever-prolific Barack Obama has just completed work on a children's picture book entitled "Of Thee I Sing: A Letter to My Daughters." 

Originally, the book (which was written as part of a $1.9 million publishing contract) was supposed to be about young Barack Hussein Obama, a "skinny kid with big ears and a funny name." That version of the book has been shelved, however, perhaps because this didn't seem like the very best time to remind people that the skinny kid with big ears was raised by a Muslim stepfather in Islam-dominated Indonesia. 

Instead, the president's new book focuses on famous American icons like George Washington, whose infamous teeth demonstrated the need for universal healthcare...Jackie Robinson, who proved that African-Americans could play sports...and painter Georgia O'Keefe, who showed us that close-ups of flowers could look like something other than close-ups of flowers. 

The book features a colorful cover which shows the president's daughters taking their dog Bo for a walk... but not carrying a plastic bag with which to clean up any steaming mess he leaves at the White House. Now there's symbolism.

 

BONUS: A CRYPTIC VICTORY?

We're really not big on conspiracy theories, and it's nearly impossible to get accurate information about anything from the media anymore. But that being said, our gut is telling us that there's a better than 50/50 chance that there was widespread voting fraud, and on a scale large enough to change the outcome of the election.

Proof? We don't have it yet (emphasis on "yet,"). But based on Democrat precedent, we should continue with at least 3+ years of investigation anyway.

Serfs Up

Despite repeated calls from the Left for "Unity and healing...or else," we seem to be no closer to untangling the colossal fustercluck which was the recent alleged election. Because depending on who you listen to, there is either massive evidence of widespread voting fraud...or this was the squeakiest clean election ever. 

Our gut tells us that it's the former, and apparently about 71 million other guts are currently telling their owners the same thing. Which means the chance of achieving national "unity and healing" anytime soon is smaller than a gnat's fart...albeit more pungent. 

The only way out of this mess is to prove to everyone's satisfaction that the election results were fair, accurate, and not corrupted by the Democrats, big tech, the Chinese, or the lying Washington bastards who've tried to overthrow the government for the past four years. Happily, both sides can readily agree that a thorough investigation is warranted, and should be conducted with care and transparency.

Ha, ha - just kidding! The party that spent tens of millions of dollars and years of time "investigating" whether or not Donald Trump paid Russian hookers to pee on a bed once used by Obama (which he didn't, but probably should have) suddenly finds it unseemly to conduct investigations...especially into something as trivial as blatant election tampering.

Whatever the eventual outcome of the legal maneuverings, all of this is not going to end well. Half of America is going to be totally unwilling to accept the legitimacy of our next president. And that's going to make for a very long, and potentially dangerous, four years.

SHORT TAKES

• Barack Obama is currently on the interview circuit to promote his third freaking autobiography, and a fourth is already scheduled. The book, "A Promised Land," is a hefty 768 pages which could make it difficult, but not impossible, for him to shove up his ass.

• Readers have asked for a medical update on Mrs. Jarlsberg, and we're happy to report that she's mending nicely from her back, foot, and wrist injuries. She has also amazed her physical therapists by actually doing her exercises at home, which apparently is something of a rarity among patients.

• The suspicious timing of Pfizer's recent announcement of a Covid-19 vaccine stinks to high heaven, as did their now recanted claim that they had nothing to do with President Trump's "Operation Warp Speed" vaccine initiative. This doesn't do much to build our confidence in the vaccine itself, especially since it uses a technology that has never been used before (having to do with messenger RNA telling your cells to do funny things). We hope the vaccine is great, effective, and safe - but we're not going to be first in line to try it, having grown used to life with only one head.

But in the interim, there are very effective protocols that can be used to greatly reduce the dangers posed by Covid-19. These protocols are all backed by science and, oddly, pretty much hidden from public view by the government, the media, and formerly respectable medical institutions. The rat bastards.

So here are the most recent protocols, which we encourage you to print out and share with others:

By the way, this chart was prepared for medical personnel, so when it refers to patients "on floor," they mean "checked into the hospital" as opposed to "stretched out cold on the carpet." Also, even if you're sick of hearing about all of this (and who isn't?) we'll note that at the very least, the benefits of taking Vitamin D appear to be fairly astounding when it comes to this illness. It's cheap, it's safe, and it's readily available - but it takes a little while for it to build up in your body, so don't wait.

AND FINALLY...

A classic (and now timely) cartoon by Stilton's Dad...

Old Face-Full

While it's still unclear whether or not Joe Biden will be certified as the president-elect, it's absolutely clear that he intends to issue a mask mandate if given the opportunity. And while we think that wearing masks is a good idea...the idea of it being a mandate from the Dems boils our blood.

Happily, we can all practice good hygiene and patriotism with the exciting new Stilton's Place "Biden Sucks" surgical mask! It not only slows the transmission of infectious phlegm (not to be confused with mainstream news, although the differences are admittedly slight) but reminds everyone that the man who now claims to be an expert in disease control enjoys slobbering on women's fingers in public without first getting written consent.

VETERANS DAY 2020

(This commentary is from 2010, but our sentiments and gratitude are exactly the same.)

 
In our current politically divisive, media-oversaturated environment, it would be easy to think that the most important battles for freedom are being fought by politicians and pundits. But that wouldn't be true, and it never has been.

Today we celebrate and honor the men and women of America's armed forces, who gave birth to this country...have nurtured and protected it...and have advanced the cause of freedom around the world. Their sacrifices, and those of their families, should humble everyone who enjoys the magnificent blessings of their service...and should also, at least for one day, silence the strident voices shouting from the safety of the sidelines.

Fly your flag today...and thank as many veterans as possible for your right and ability to do so.

DOG TAGGED

Granted, the meaning and importance of Veterans Day isn't crystal clear to some folks...

Final Jeopardy

If it were possible to hire a hit man to kidnap the year 2020, drag it out into a field, torture it, kill it, and leave it in a shallow grave, we would happily hand over the cash today. Unfortunately, only Father Time can put the scythe to 2020, and that bastard moves so slowly he might as well work at the post office.

The latest indignity is that Alex Trebek has died from pancreatic cancer, after surviving much longer than most people with the condition. And the cartoon above is in no way "joking" about Trebek's death, because we loved that guy and his show was one of our favorite (and few) escapes from the stresses of the world. No, in the cartoon the joke is on us, because we just want to enjoy a few nice things and have some small elements of our world remain "normal," but 2020 continues to treat us like the new guy in the prison shower.

Mind you, even before learning of Mr. Trebek's passing, we were in a dark and stormy mood. Joe Biden was declared winner of the presidential election by the media (and only the media), but we're not buying it. Now or ever.  First because there are ample reasons to believe that Trump can still win this, even though the media would have you believe otherwise.  The second reason we'll never accept Biden as president is that vote fraud certainly appears to have been the deciding factor in the race so far. Yes, proof is needed...though, knowing that, the Dems have already been shredding ballots and envelopes which would have been essential in an investigation. But even if we put all of that aside, the third reason that Biden will never be our personal president is that this election was fixed in a far broader and more evil way than simple vote fraud.

Specifically, a huge number of people went to the polls to vote against an orange-faced monster who was a racist, an anti-semite, a misogynist, a Russian spy, a child torturer, and - thanks to a virus sent our way by Joe Biden's Chinese pals - a mass murderer.  Trump had his significant faults, but that "monster" was a wholly fictitious media creation. We'd guess that the majority of people who thought they were voting against Trump were really voting against the Boogeyman, after having that message beaten into their heads for four years. While, for good measure, that same media buried reports of the very real gains Trump had made for Americans of every race, sexual orientation, ethnic background, or social class.  And you can't fix an election more than that; when an ideologically perverse media controls the information, Democracy becomes a joke.

And speaking of jokes, here's a couple of efforts we made in the immediate wake of the announcement that the Dems had faked enough votes to likely put Biden in office:

And of course, Joe isn't the only Biden happy with how this seems to be turning out...

Some other "Babylon Bee" type headlines we wrote (but which don't fit in our headline app):

• Disney Parks Happy That Newest Addition To "Hall of Presidents" Won't Even Need To Be Animated.

• Biden Funeral Scheduled For Same Week As Inauguration Since Everyone Will Be In Town Anyway.

There will be plenty of time in the coming weeks to opine on all of this and we'll definitely be doing that. But we do want to leave you with a last thought: we will never accept Joe Biden (and/or Kamala Harris) as president. And those people (including Gropin' Joe) who are telling us that this is a time for uniting and healing can kiss our ruby-red ass.

See, Dems, here's the deal: you can't call me a racist, a misogynist, a hatemonger, a fool, a Russian tool, and a fascist for four years and then suddenly expect me to kiss up to you just because your intolerant, anti-American boot is on my throat. 

But for once, maybe it's a good thing that those on the Left are totally ignorant about history. Because they apparently aren't aware of how that whole boot-to-throat thing tends to play out in the end.

Hocus Pocus Hanky Panky

Watching the seemingly unending and entirely mysterious process of "vote counting," we're put in mind of a stage magician doing his act and making doves, cards, and silks appear from unexpected places in endless quantities. And so it is with votes for Biden magically appearing just when you thought you'd seen the last of them. 

Of course, Joe himself is giving us plenty of cause to see him as a somewhat tacky stage magician. One of his illusions is that his party can saw the nation in half, and then Joe will say the magic words "badakathcare trunalimunumaprzure," and join the halves into a functioning whole again. C'mon, man - we all know that's not going to happen, in part because neither Joe nor his party wants it to happen. 

And while a good magician never reveals how he does his tricks, we're hoping that the proper authorities (assuming such even exist anymore) will be doing a deep dive into finding out the tricks which the Democrats are apparently using to try to (ahem) "influence" the results of the most ineptly run election in our nation's history. Seriously, when did "Election Day" turn into "Election Month?"

Our best guess is that Biden will soon be proclaimed the winner, that myriad (and valid) legal challenges will immediately arise, and the Leftists will accuse President Trump of acting like a dictator for not unquestionably accepting Biden's claim that there was "nothing up his sleeve."

At that point, keeping things peaceful in our nation will be the real trick. 

BONUS: MEANWHILE AT THE DNC...

Schrodinger's Poll-Cat

At the time of this writing (after 10:30pm on Tuesday), there's no clear winner of the 2020 Election and a great likelihood that the result may not be known for days. A number of states have adopted bizarre standards for collecting votes by mail, making it theoretically possible that the last, deciding votes won't be counted until 10 days after election day. Which, appropriately for this whole freaking year, falls on a Friday the 13th.

We'll certainly have more to say about election developments as they unfold, but for tonight we're going to bed - taking at least a little satisfaction from the fact that there may not be a clear winner tonight, but there's already a clear loser: the media and pollsters who confidently (and inaccurately) predicted a "blue tidal wave" and an easy landslide victory for Joe Biden. To them we say, "C'mon man!"

Rube-y Tuesday?

Thanks to the miracle of Daylight Saving Time, we recently gained yet another hour of unwanted suspense leading up to Election Day. On the plus side, many Democrats now believe that because of the time change, Tuesday won't happen until Wednesday this week. An idea which we should reinforce as much as possible.

Approximately 92 million early votes have already been cast - a number which will surely skyrocket on Tuesday when the living are allowed to vote.

Here at Stilton's Place, we have no freaking idea which way this thing is going to go. According to the media and pollsters, Trump is going to get his orange hiney kicked. On the other hand, the media and pollsters are despicable liars, about whom maggots tell jokes trying to gross out their friends. Others believe that Trump will win in a blowout based on the fact that God, in His infinite wisdom, is using the President as a tool to achieve things in "mysterious ways." Occasionally bordering on downright baffling.

Whichever way the election goes, it's critical to make preparations now for the aftermath. For one thing, you should lay in a supply of food, water, medicines, and toilet paper in case a Trump victory triggers a wave of commerce-disrupting violent riots in the streets. Of course, you should also lay in a supply of all those things in case Trump loses, because they sure as hell won't be on store shelves once the commerce-disrupting socialists take over.

This is also potentially a good time to stock up on American flags with "only" 50 stars in case of a Democrat victory. These will not only be valuable collector's items, but they'll also be a handy way to identify your home as not belonging to an asshole.

Finally, it's likely that the acrimony between friends and family members will only increase once the election is finalized. To help bring us all together again, we suggest that you plan to send a peace-making gift to those people you've disagreed with. If Trump wins, we suggest you send a tasteful bouquet with a gift card that says "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" as many times as possible. If Trump loses, just send the liberals on your list a lovely handbasket and a map which smells of brimstone.