Numbers Game

Okay, the trick isn't that amazing considering that Joe Biden's number is always "two trillion," no matter what the question is. Or at least, that's how it appears based on his speech to mostly empty chairs in Congress, which was an oratorical masterpiece that will ring through the ages according to professional journalists who turned in their reviews long before the teleprompter started rolling.

Two trillion for Covid Relief, two trillion for Infrastructure, and two trillion for Biden's Family Act which will take kids away from their parents to be warehoused under government supervision. Because that's worked so well at our southern border. 

Considering that two trillion dollars seems to be the magic number for solving any big problem, we're a bit surprised that old Joe didn't just drop that amount on curing cancer, which was the "moonshot" assignment given to him as veep under Barack Obama (you'll have to remind us - is cancer gone now?).

Biden's speech outlined a comprehensive cradle-to-grave strategy for the government to meet everyone's needs for their entire lifetime: food, housing, education, child-rearing, medical care, free walking around money and, when the time comes, quite likely a quick and painless euthanasia. And all this largesse will cost is your vote, your soul, and your freedom. What a deal!

Of course, anyone who understands basic math can see that this Brobdingnagian spending spree (using imaginary money plus whatever you think you have in assets and savings) can only lead to the kind of economic collapse currently being experienced in Venezuela.

Not that it would be the end of the world. After all, you can still buy a Big Mac and medium drink in Venezuela if you have enough bolivars (the local currency). How many, you ask?

"Two trillion!" shouts Joe Biden. 

And damned if he isn't right.

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[Editorial note: That last line sounds like something we'd make up...but it isn't. Two trillion bolivars are roughly equal to $7.35 in U.S. dollars. For now, anyway.]

BONUS: A HEARTBEAT AWAY

Of all the ludicrous and offensive things Joe Biden said in his speech, none infuriated us more than his claim that the demonstration in Washington DC on January 6th represented "the worst attack on democracy since the Civil War."

Pardon our asking, Mr. Biden, but what in the living Hell do you think Ashli Babbitt, a petite and unarmed woman, planned to do to topple the entire government if she hadn't been shot at point blank range without warning? Had she made it through the door (after police officers stepped aside to allow her to do so), how exactly was she going to take or hold power?

This is the kind of "big lie" that Joseph Goebbels (no stranger to actually threatening our democracy) would be proud of, and it's no less hateful and destructive than those which originated with that particular Nazi. Moreover, this lie was told with the same sadly familiar goal: to divide people, inspire citizen-against-citizen violence, and secure absolute government power.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Joe, but you clearly lack both the self-awareness and decency.
 

RIP Ashli Babbitt

The First 100 Daze

Tonight Joe Biden will finally make a speech to Congress and the American people, talking about the many accomplishments of his first 100 days in office. These would include the bold, groundbreaking strides he's made in continuing Donald Trump's national vaccination campaign, presiding over a significant upswing in mass shootings and racial discord, and a complete dismantling of our nation's border security.

Joe has additionally popularized the use of the word "trillion" in casual conversation, as in "Hey, you know what else could use a trillion dollars? Some kind of family bill thingamajig!" And we're sure he'll take time to explain that every one of his trillion-dollar boondoggles will be fully funded by increasing taxes on the evil rich (those vile bastards). Granted, most financial experts agree that dramatically raising capital gains taxes to the level Biden wants will significantly decrease the amount of money coming into federal coffers, but it will at least cause tremendous pain to anyone who dared to invest in America - and isn't that what counts most?

Of course, we won't be watching Joe's speech - it's not good for our blood pressure to get that angry for so long and for so many reasons. Besides, based on his first 100 days, we feel pretty confident about our ability to accurately predict exactly what he's going to say: all we have to do is assume the worst possible logic being used to justify the policies most hateful and destructive to our nation. Peppered, of course, with a lot of long pauses, sentence fragments, imaginary words, and good old-fashioned malarkey.

On The Tip Of My Tongs

Well, here we go again. There were a lot of chores to handle over the weekend and the news is still stupid and depressing. So here's some pointless foolishness!

Knife Knowing You

"And while I'm here, let me sign you up to vote!"

A recent string of police-related shootings reminds us all too forcefully that not only do Black Lives Matter, but also Black Hobbies Matter - apparently including things like committing assault with a deadly weapon. 

According to detailed reports from Pulitzer prize-winning journalistic institutions, a white cop in Columbus, Ohio arrived at a home where some black children were engaged in playful banter, and the cop repeatedly shot one unarmed child (a girl with a beautiful soul) for no effing reason whatsoever outside of his being a racist white Nazi asshole who, according to black multi-millionaire basketball player LeBron James, should be thrown to the BLM mobs for retribution.

Oh sure, there are a few racist news sources which would have you believe that the teenaged "child," who sure looked like a full-grown adult in berzerker mode, was attacking other people with a knife and was milliseconds away from plunging it into a trapped victim (another black girl, whose life, oddly, doesn't seem to matter) when the officer opened fire. Video from multiple angles confirms that this is exactly what happened, although for some reason, Leftists seem to place a lot less importance on this video than the video of George Floyd.

But the officer who responded to a frantic 911 call for help and potentially saved one or more lives has now been damned by the Left (including Joe Biden) for failing to "just break up the fight," "use a taser" (which might not work), or - our personal favorite - "just shoot the knife out of her hand." And then there's BLM activist Bree Newsome, who said "teenagers have been having fights including fights with knives for eons. We do not need police to address these situations by showing up to the scene and using a weapon against one of the teenagers."

Despite the reality of what actually happened (and what appears to be exemplary police work), this sad incident is being used to further ramp up enthusiasm for a race war - which seems to be the wettest of all possible dreams for Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, Maxine Waters, AOC, and all of the other full-time America-loathing folks in politics, media, and the race-hustling business. Or are we being redundant?

At the moment, it would seem like the only satisfactory way to end the "systemic racism" which Biden claims is embedded in the DNA of every cop, no matter their race, is to have police stop responding to calls for help if there's any chance at all that anyone involved or on the scene might be black.

And if people die at the hands of criminals and lunatics (as always happens when police are forced to pull back their efforts), well, it's a small price to pay for the kind of Progressive racial harmony already enjoyed in the backstreets of Chicago.

CAUTION: CHILDREN AT PLAY

BONUS: EARTH DAY  / CALL OF DOOTY (2013)

Special guest appearance by Joe Bite'em

The Sound And The Jury

BROKEN NEWS: Derek Chauvin was pronounced guilty of everything to the surprise of no one and delight of many. We can't say what the verdict should have been (not being as omniscient as TV's talking heads), but we personally would have had a huge problem saying that there wasn't at least reasonable doubt about Floyd's death being partially or primarily caused by his drug use and underlying health conditions. Not to mention his propensity for screwing around on the wrong side of the law and resisting arrest.

But apart from that, we have to ask this question: did Derek Chauvin actually get a fair trial and fair consideration by the jury? And the answer is certainly "no."

Jurors were aware of the explosive nature of this case and were not sequestered to keep them from knowing the mob sentiments. They had to be aware that they and their family members would be in physical peril if Chauvin was exonerated or even convicted of "too small" an offense.

But now let's imagine that these were 12 of the bravest jurors ever. People who could somehow put personal risk aside. They would still have to make this choice in the jury room: is it better to destroy one man who may or may not be guilty, or unleash fresh Hell on American cities? More billions in damage. More people injured and killed.

Even if they believed Chauvin to be completely blameless, they would themselves have been subsequently guilty of third-degree murder ("perpetrating an act eminently dangerous to others without regard to human life") in the event anyone died in the entirely predictable furies unleashed by a "not guilty" verdict.

Whether you agree or disagree with the verdict, it's undeniable that Derek Chauvin did not and could not get a fair trial. Which should be an affront to all who claim to value actual justice.

=============

Readers- We'd already written the rest of today's blog before the verdict was announced, under the assumption that a jury would need more time if they were actually weighing evidence instead of emotion. Sometimes we're stupid that way. 

We're writing this post before any jury verdict has been handed down in the Derek Chauvin trial, so it may already be out of date by the time you read it. But that doesn't change the fact that Joe Biden really shouldn't be out there telling the world that he's praying for a guilty verdict, even if the jury is sequestered.

He further specified that he thinks the evidence for conviction is "overwhelming," which sets up an unfortunate dynamic: if the jury finds Chauvin "not guilty," then the president of the United States is already on record as opining that it wasn't a fair trial and the outcome was rigged.  In other words, street violence and mayhem will be an entirely understandable (and perhaps laudable) response because Mister "No Malarkey" said so.

And as long as we're writing about things that haven't happened yet, let's think about an unintended consequence we'll see if there is a "guilty" verdict against Chauvin...

And for equal time, let's consider what we're likely to see if Chauvin is acquitted...

Civil Riots Movement

As opposed to caring about endangered magenta leopards

Maxine Waters has traveled to Minnesota to help make sure that peace doesn't accidentally break out after a jury decides the fate of Derek Chauvin. And because we believe fervently in journalistic integrity, we'll admit that she didn't call for more "rioting, looting, and burning" but rather said that if Chauvin isn't convicted of murder, the angry mobs "gotta stay in the streets" and "get more confrontational." 

Presumably by rioting, looting, and burning.

All of which is language way more inflammatory than anything Donald Trump got impeached for using following the genuinely "mostly peaceful" protest (aka "The Insurrection") in Washington DC on January 6th. But will Waters pay a political (or criminal) price after street violence erupts no matter what the jury decides? 

Of course not. Because "racial equity" says that it's only fair that Waters' (and other black hate-mongers) finally get their turn to incite lynch mobs.

BONUS: PACK MAN

Fried Day Follies

We're letting the cartoon do the talking today because we're honked off on too many fronts to concentrate on just one of them. Plus, we're a bit burned out from finally completing our tax calculations for the wretched year of 2020 and (we pause to choke back bitter tears) writing a check to Uncle Joe.

It would be indiscreet to say how much that check was for, but after having done some quick research online, we can confidently say our income tax this year could have paid for two fully-loaded 2021 Toyota Camrys. And who knows, maybe Biden will do just that with the money - after all, he could use two cars to house about 97 more foil-wrapped children whose parents abandoned them at our southern border. 

FROM THE VAULT

Cheap Shot

Remember when characterizing entire groups of people with broad, unflattering stereotypes was considered unacceptable? Apparently the Biden administration doesn't, as evidenced by a recent Jen Psaki press briefing in which she said that the White House was trying to push their vaccine message to white conservatives by advertising on "The Deadliest Catch" (essentially a fishing show) and making outreach via Nascar and country music. 

While not specifically referenced, we assume taxpayer-funded pro-vaccination ads are also being put on confederate flags and packages of chewing tobacco, while bumper stickers ("White Trash Matters - Get The Shot") are being handed out in trailer parks.

To be clear, Stilton's Place is in favor of the vaccinations (albeit not enthusiastically). So we'd like to give Jen Psaki a little advice: rather than assume that white conservatives are all inbred hillbillies who are just too dumb or obstinate to get vaccinated, why not work on your actual messaging?

Because it's just possible that some people are resistant to the vaccine push because it's coming from people whose torrent of lies puts Niagara Falls to shame. And for that matter, it's coming from people who clearly hate white conservatives and have consistently acted against their interests. 

Or maybe it's because the Biden administration hasn't really made it clear what we can do when vaccinated that we can't do while unvaccinated? Can we gather in groups? Can we take off our masks? Can we put rusting wrecked cars on cement blocks in our front lawns and throw beer bottles into the crabgrass and then shoot at them like before the pandemic?

There could be some additional foot-dragging on getting The Shot owing to reputable stories about Covid-19 variants "breaking through" the Pfizer vaccine (although current efficacy is still high), and little "oopsies" like the discovery that the AstraZeneca vaccine can sometimes cause a potentially fatal blood clotting disorder. But, you know, only rarely. 

But really, Jen, all of these considerations can be boiled down to just one salient point: the Biden administration has no credibility among white conservatives. None. So quit throwing our hard-earned money at TV commercials which run during professional wrestling and "Beverly Hillbillies" re-runs. Instead, try giving us yokels some straight truth or, better still, just shut up.

Deep In The Heart of Taxes

This cartoon is a carryover credit from our 2015 risibility returns

While Tax Day has technically been moved to May 17 this year, the government still requires the self-employed to make a quarterly tax payment on April 15. So there's no way to know if you're making an accurate payment unless you've done your freaking taxes. So once again we're dancing with Turbotax and the always impenetrable language of the IRS. Seriously, it would be easier to interpret the language of dolphins than whatever the hell the IRS forms are talking about.

And we're feeling especially resentful about paying our allegedly unfair "fair share" this year while watching how the Democrats are spending like there's no tomorrow. And perhaps ensuring that very outcome.

When did "trillions" become such an easy-peasy word to toss around in spending bills? Joe Biden's proposals already total over four trillion in new spending, which is more than the total amount the government collected from taxpayers in 2019. So where is this "money" coming from? You'll find out soon enough as you watch the purchasing power of your savings or retirement accounts dwindle while prices rise on (we pause to check our extensive research)...oh, yes! Everything!

Then there's nonsense like New York's $2 billion plan to give away $15,600 in Covid relief to individual "undocumented workers who can meet strict eligibility requirements." Which makes us wonder: how can the "undocumented" meet any eligibility requirements? Are they excluded if they do have an I.D.? And is there any way to stop the Biden administration for making this the new standard for Democrat voting?

Still, there are even dumber ways to waste tax money.  Although Kamala Harris has yet to evince any interest in the non-crisis border crisis she's supposedly in charge of, she has suggested that she believes the best way to reduce the tsunami of illegals invading our nation is to make their countries of origin more desirable to stay in. Which is why the Harris-Biden administration is considering plans to just send Central American citizens the damn money directly and save them the long walk to our border.  Whether or not they'll still receive a complementary Biden t-shirt remains unclear.

Neither are we keen about writing another big check to the government (and we're lucky/unlucky that it IS a big check) in order to fund a CDC which believes that racism is a public health threat (hint to the CDC: if you can't culture it in a petri dish, then STFU). Nor are we happy about pouring money into the FBI, Homeland Security, and the National Counterterrorism Center - all of whom have declared "white supremacists" to be the greatest active terror threat owing to, and we're paraphrasing their report here, "all white people being bad." But if that were true, then we'd be making a tasteless joke (which we aren't) about NASA announcing that the best way to use our tax dollars is to put a "person of color" on the moon.

But despite all of the above, we're actually glad to pay our income tax. Because it still beats getting raped in a prison shower. 

Slightly.

Odd Is My Co-Pilot

United Airlines has announced a new diversity initiative intended to guarantee that 8 years from now, fully half of their new pilots will be women and people of color. So far, there is no word on how many will be illegal aliens, LGBTQ+ (who will naturally fly biplanes), or Uber drivers looking for a side gig.

Currently, women and people of color represent a relatively small percentage of airline pilots, which can apparently be blamed entirely on the racist and sexist attitudes of airline HR departments that use job applications with trick questions like "do you know how to fly?"

Only kidding, of course. The real reason for the under-representation, according to a United Airlines employee who wishes to remain imaginary, is "black applicants don't have any I.D. and women can't commit the time to pilot training because of their unwanted pregnancies." Situations which, tragically, didn't improve under Donald Trump.

Of course, we'd personally be fine with pilots of any color or gender as long as they were in the cockpit solely because of merit. But affirmative action programs have painfully taught us that this isn't how the system really works. In order to hit the right numbers for quotas/goals, standards will always be lowered. Unlike the landing gear when these new pilots turn routine landings into tragic headlines.

IN MEMORIAM: Rem1875 & Judi King

We're sad to report the passing of longtime reader and commenter Rem1875. Joe, his actual name, was a regular (that's a word used with love and respect here) who could always be counted on to add wit, wisdom, or probably both to any conversational topic. You can read additional details at this link.

We've subsequently learned of the passing of Judi King, who has likewise been a cherished presence here on the blog. Both of them will be greatly missed.

Fair To Maudlin

 You know the drill by now. We didn't want anything to do with the news, which is why we're posting this instead...

...and because the journalistic importance of "padding" can hardly be overstated, here are some random bits and pieces of Wednesday-ish stuff:

• Ladybug the pitbull (Penny's second-in-command) is recovering splendidly from her recent leg surgery, and is actually ahead of the curve. She has no discomfort at all and our biggest therapeutic duty will be keeping her from running around like a Tasmanian devil for the next couple of months.

• We just received another letter from the Social Security Administration saying that Mrs. J's monthly payment is being withheld (again) because she has overdue Medicare premium payments on the books. We already wasted a couple of hours of our life on this last month and established that we are in fact paying the premiums directly from her Social Security benefit and paying the premium by check, so have been double-paying for quite a while and they actually owe us a refund of hundreds of dollars. We haven't called them to complain again yet, because experience tells us there will be no satisfactory conclusion anyway.

• Speaking of governmental incompetence, we've still found no way for Daughter J to get a Texas driver's license until mid-August (the DMV only allows you in by appointment and, thanks to Covid, appointments take about six months)...meaning she can't work until then. Are illegal aliens waiting this long to be given a driver's license? We wouldn't bet on it.

• We're hearing a lot of BS about the difficulty of obtaining photo IDs for certain segments of society and wonder why no one has taken action on the obvious solution we suggested back in 2014:

Just Another Mish-Mash Monday

Discerning readers (and if you're here, that's you) may be aware of a subtle shift in the tenor of the Stilton's Place blog following the events of last (alleged) election day. We no longer really provide in depth coverage and analysis of current events, but rather just get within spitting distance of the news. And we mean that literally - we just get near enough to news stories to vigorously hock up big, wet mucousy phlegm wads and spit it right on them.  Because that's all the "news" deserves these days.

Let's look at the gob-covered stories listed above...

• In Washington, a black man, theoretically deranged from repeated football concussions and exposure to the rantings of Nation of Islam founder Louis Farrakhan, rammed his car into two policemen (killing one) and a concrete barrier before waving a knife around and getting shot deader than a mackerel. This is a horrible story...but it's not a big one. A crazy lone wolf did a horrible thing and now he's dead. Yet politicians and the "news" media are more or less calling this "insurrection two" (ignoring the fact that there was no "insurrection one") and citing it as evidence that our nation's capital needs to remain a guarded military outpost. Unlike, oh, our southern border.

• Hunter "Foot Job" Biden has just released his autobiography, which is titled "Beautiful Things" because "Child Molesting, Crack Smoking, and Bribery" didn't test as well with publishers (although it will likely still be the name of the eventual movie). Not to put too fine a point on it, but Hunter Biden is human scum, due at least in part to the fact that his father more or less abandoned him (after Hunter's mother and sister were killed in a car accident that the boy and his brother, Beau, survived) to devote himself to politics full time. Not that anything good ever came out of it, other than giving Joe the chance to sniff a lot of women's hair...and likely worse.

• Major League Baseball is moving its All-Star Game out of Atlanta, Georgia because the state wants to ensure legitimate elections by requiring voter ID. Which, apparently, no black person in Georgia has or is able to figure out how to acquire. Of course, the MLB itself requires people to produce ID to pick up their "will call" baseball tickets. But hey, who are we to criticize them for loathing black people? 

• Do we really need to say anything at all about what an offensive idiot AOC is? She apparently wants U.S. taxpayers to cough up "reparations" to illegal aliens because...well...we don't know why and we don't effing care. Meanwhile, small children are being dropped over the border wall (recent video shows a 3-year-old and 5-year-old girl being dropped from a 14-foot high wall to thud heavily onto American soil). Theoretically, that's the sort of thing that Kamala Harris should be looking into, but she's apparently too busy laughing hysterically and supervising the remodeling of her vice-presidential quarters. Not that she plans to stay in them long.

• The George Floyd trial continues to drag along, setting the stage for a fresh round of rioting and outrage no matter what verdict comes in. Adding to the merriment, Cher recently tweeted that if she'd been present at Floyd's final encounter with the police, she could have saved his life. Which, appropriately, got her spanked by the Left for presenting herself as a Great White Savior for black people incapable of determining their own fates.  Cher is sticking to her metaphorical guns, although she hasn't yet clarified just how she would have saved George Floyd after climbing into her time machine. Presumably she might have told him not to try passing any counterfeit money that day. Or advise him to simply get in the back of a police cruiser when asked to. Or maybe she would have suggested that he not take a potentially-lethal dose of drugs. But we do know what she wouldn't have done: just STFU.

Okay, end of rant for today. But seriously, we're holding the "news" at arm's length until further notice. Which fortunately still leaves one hand free for pinching our nose.

April Fooled Day

This year, we've given up working on April Fool's Day (when we're writing this) for Lent. Which is why we're revisiting this semi-classic post from 2015...

FROM THE VAULT: APRIL FOOL'S DAY EDITION 2015

On an unbelievably busy news day, no story is bigger than the shocking resignation of Barack Hussein Obama and his subsequent hasty helicopter escape from the roof of the White House.

Early morning television viewers were surprised to find their programs interrupted for an emergency announcement, during which the ashen-faced and possibly drug-fueled president spoke in rambling, frequently cryptic sentence fragments about "the sweet, sweet call to prayer," "dog-flavored shave ice," the merits of Titleist golf balls and, most puzzlingly, his declaration that "Mike is done pretending to be Michelle." He then told America to go (and we paraphrase here) fornicate itself, and capped his brief resignation with "Allahu Akbar - I'm out of here, suckers!"

In a scene reminiscent of America's departure from Vietnam, Obama scrambled aboard a George Soros-owned helicopter hovering just above the White House roof.  Newly appointed President Biden celebrated his unexpected promotion by rushing onto the White House balcony in his pajamas and firing a shotgun into the sky, before being tackled and disappearing under a pile of Secret Service agents. Sadly, the shotgun blast was thought to have done only minor damage to Mr. Obama's helicopter.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL - Also in today's news:

• John Kerry triumphantly announced that his negotiations with Iran have been successful and will be officially ratified in a ceremony in which "I'll kneel on a beach while wearing a traditional Iranian document-signing orange jumpsuit."

• A council of Native Americans judged Elizabeth Warren to be guilty of violating tribal law by failing to use "every part of the buffalo." In point of fact, she was using only one part of the buffalo and not, as nature intended, for the purpose of making more buffaloes.

• Pressed for more details about his injury, Harry Reid admitted that "the band that snapped" as he was working out with it was, as many suspected, The Village People.

• A crowd-funded Kickstarter campaign intended to pay for a monument to honor race martyr and cigar liberator Michael Brown fell short of its stated goal today, raising a final tally of only $375. The Ferguson highway department says the funds will be sufficient to create a commemorative speed bump.

• The Supreme Court issued a 5-4 ruling confirming that, despite the controversial and somewhat confusing language in the 17,000 page Obamacare bill, the government will give full "breast exam" reimbursements for every crispy dollar bill men spend in topless clubs.

Oh, relax - it's April Fool's Day