Heil Merry Christmas

And not the firm, dry stuff either.

As 2017 drags itself across the finish line, we find ourselves reflecting on the fact that this may well have been the worst year ever for American journalism - and that's a pretty high bar to clear.

We've got plenty of evidence to back up this proposition, not the least of which is a new article from Newsweek which is hilariously titled "HOW TRUMP AND THE NAZIS STOLE CHRISTMAS TO PROMOTE WHITE NATIONALISM" (hey, if they use all caps, we'll use all caps).

The article, tastefully published on Christmas Eve and likely written under the influence of heavily spiked egg nog, would be impossible for us to paraphrase. No, it needs to be read to be (dis)believed:

"Trump is promoting a version of the holidays which excludes members of other religions, and his crusade to bring back Christmas is part of a larger attempt by the President to define America as a country for white Christians alone.

Wishing people "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" is thus in line with Trump's decision to ban citizens of Muslim-majority countries from entering the United States, critics say. It fits neatly with his refusal to condemn white supremacists when they march against diversity, and with his condemnation of athletes who protest police brutality against black men."

If you read far enough into the article, which we certainly don't recommend, Newsweek finally gets around to saying that in pre-war Germany the Nazis attempted to nationalize many holidays including Christmas. But they then generously concede that "Trump's rhetoric differs from that of Nazi Germany's, most notably because he has never advocated genocide."

This is not journalism. It isn't even an editorial. It's an ugly, hate-filled, foam-at-the-mouth screed by people whom Trump would unsubtly but accurately describe as "losers."

We'd say more, but this piece of garbage article upset us so much that we need to calm ourselves with some relaxing music. We're thinking Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas."

AND ONE MORE THING...

This is our final post for 2017 (we'll have our annual "year in review" post on Monday) and we want to wish all of you a very happy and safe New Year's celebration, whether it's boisterous or quiet. And remember, if you drink don't drive...and if you don't drink, can we have your glass of champagne?

Happy New Year from the Jarlsberg family!

Simple and dry, but we think you'll be amused by its presumption.

Christmas Weak

We'll admit it: rather than harshing our Christmas buzz by marinating in the news, we decided to give ourselves the precious gift of sloth. We also gifted ourselves with a buttload of extra calories, a 2 o'clock "Happy Hour," and some family binge-watching of "Ash vs. Evil Dead" which has finally made it to Netflix. The series is, in a word, "groovy."

But we haven't arrived at the blog empty-handed today! Just feast your eyes on this...

No photoshop was used in this picture. Honest!

Yes, it's an honest-to-gosh Donald Trump gingerbread cookie which we received in the mail today, along with a bunch of other homemade goodies from a special (and conservative) friend! We only took it out of its cellophane wrap long enough to take this picture, then carefully replaced it.

And while framing it seems appropriate, the reality is that it's probably not an option. So after a suitable period of Making the Cookie Jar Great Again, we'll have to eventually consume this spicy treat.

Interestingly, it isn't supposed to be dunked in milk. Rather, it should only be dunked in liberal tears - which, fortunately, are flowing freely these days.

Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men

Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year!

A Very Barry Christmas

This is the Hope n' Change cartoon we waited nine years to write.

Thanks to jolly old Saint Trump and his happy workshop of GOP elves, Christmas came early for people who pay taxes, people who want jobs, people who don't want to be fined if they can't afford Obamacare, people who support Israel, and people like us who are currently singing "O, Schadenfreude" to the tune of "O, Tannenbaum."

Of course, the Democrats also gave us a significant gift: their unanimous opposition to all of the above. Meaning that when the rising economic tide lifts all boats, they'll still be holding their breath in the backseat of Teddy Kennedy's sunken car wondering when help from voters will arrive (spoiler alert: it won't).

This will likely be our last post until next Wednesday, so let us take this opportunity to wish all of you the very merriest of Christmases in this wonderful country of ours!

Notice: this site uses cookies which are delicious when dunked in scotch.

Touchy Subject

Just ask Al Franken.

The House passed its sweeping tax reform plan yesterday without garnering a single Democrat's vote, despite the fact that the plan offers billions of dollars in tax savings to middle class families and a generous increase in benefits to any family with children - constituencies the Democrats claim to speak for.

Despite the good the tax reform plan might do for their voters, Democrats are unanimously opposed because some cuts go to those who pay the vast majority of taxes (the Evil Rich, who should more properly be hung like piñatas and beaten with sticks until they explode in a shower of bloodstained wealth) and other cuts go to corporations to encourage them to produce more employment. And if there's one thing Democrats hate, it's jobs.

On Monday, Nancy Pelosi, who has previously praised unemployment for giving people the free time to become artists, writers, philosophers, or meth addicts, was scheduled to speak before a huge rally of angry anti-tax reform protesters. Hilariously, so few people showed up (about two dozen) that Pelosi simply blew off the protesters - perhaps to spend time with her accountant figuring out how the new tax rates will affect middle-class taxpayers like her who have approximately $200 million in assets thanks to "putting a little aside each month" and clipping coupons.

In the end, Democrats are universally against the tax reform simply because Republicans, and particularly Donald Trump, are for it. Because the last thing they want to see for the next three years is America and Americans (of all economic levels) succeeding.

(Note: at the time of this writing, the Senate had not yet voted on tax reform...and the House had not realized that, procedurally speaking, they had screwed the pooch and would need to cast their votes again on Wednesday.)

BONUS: LOST IN TRANSLATION

There's no particular rhyme or reason for this cartoon other than that we've been listening to Christmas music, and this is how our brain works.

Yule Be Sorry

That's the way the Christmas cookie crumbles.

Following Busty Ross's appearance on these pages, it seemed only fair to offer an equal time visit from Lefty Lucy. Sadly, she seems to lack the proper focus (as is true of so many of her contemporaries) on giving instead of always receiving, which seems particularly egregious at Christmas.

To Lucy's credit, at least she realizes she's not landing on the "nice" list this year, despite the fact that those of her political persuasion almost always think they're "nice" because they're the ones writing the self-congratulatory lists, blissfully unaware that it's not their judgement to make.

Still, Lucy is young and we hope she gets some nice presents this year. We're thinking a nice history book might be a good start.

Stilton's Little Helper

Today we could have looked through the news, thrown up, gargled with scotch, then created a cartoon and editorial.

OR we could spend all our time supervising Ms. Ross while she was decorating the office Christmas tree. And obviously, we've elected to go with the option that most reflects and honors our great nation's Judeo-Christian traditions. We're still having the scotch, though.

As always, the comments area is wide open for whatever you want to talk about!

#MoeToo

At the time of this writing (Tuesday), we don't know the results of Roy Moore's election contest. Will a man accused of possibly doing something bad a long time ago triumph over a man who will certainly (like all Democrats) do bad things now?

That matter is out of our hands - but it doesn't mean that the fight for sexual justice is over. We believe that any possible victims of touchy-feely, hanky-panky, and (God help us) hokey-pokey deserve to be heard, no matter how close to senility these accusers are.

Take, for example, the above story in which Curly Howard (real name Jerome Lester Horwitz) exposed his hairy nipple ("Oh look! It's Larry!") to a young showgirl in the late 1930's, entirely unaware that a studio photographer was snapping a picture. When the scandalous photo circulated, Curly, who was thought at the time to have a good shot at winning California's governorship, was forced to withdraw his name from contention - giving Shemp a clear course to eventual victory.

But where was the justice for the young actress who was forever scarred by this sickening, sexually aggressive sight? And how did the psychological damage of that nightmare so long ago continue to affect her and twist her thoughts and feed her anger over many long, long years?

Even now, Nancy Pelosi refuses to speak of what she felt that day...and actually throws up if someone says "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!"

And she would never be open and honest with her feelings again.

Aboriginal Sin

We forgot the boomerang joke we were going to use, but it will probably come back to us.

We decided to go for a lighthearted Monday rather than actually delve into news stories like California burning (and Governor Brown blaming global warming), black "leaders" refusing to attend the dedication of a civil rights museum because the freaking President of the United States was there, or the latest revelations about Mueller's investigative team and just how far each of them was cozily nestled up Hillary's hiney.

BONUS: FREE CHRISTMAS ALBUM!

To take your mind off the cares of the world, and to gleefully annoy anyone who is offended by the word "Christmas," we're giving you a free no-strings-attached downloadable album of relaxing instrumental Christmas music!

And yes, it's exactly the same album we gave away last year - meaning this year it's officially a holiday tradition!

Not available in stores. Trust us on this one.

It's the Manhole Steamrising "Complete Christmas Collection" and...what's that? You never heard of Manhole Steamrising? Well, you didn't think we could afford to hire Mannheim Steamroller to record a custom album, did you?! Besides, who needs all of those fancy-shmancy synthesizers when you're trying to enjoy quiet moments with the twinkling lights on your Christmas tree and the tinkling ice in your glass of scotch?

The album is solo harp which is actually played by a real angel (we think his name is "Harold") and consists of 15 soothing tracks of Christmas favorites, two of which are "Adeste Fidelis" and are done (as Basil Fawlty would say on gourmet night) "in two extremely different ways."

It's all perfectly legal, and you're free to share the music and/or the link with as many people as you like. In fact, we encourage you to share! Please! Tis the season! Just click this link to get your download started.

You'll end up with a ZIP file which, when double-clicked, will open up into a folder with your 15 songs in MP3 format. It's our way of saying "thank you" and "Merry Christmas" to everyone who visits Stilton's Place!

Want to sample the music before downloading or enjoy it without downloading? Then just click here to listen to the Youtube version!

Al Be Seeing You!

Senate slimeball Al Franken has announced that he's resigning "in a few weeks" in response to multiple accusations that he has aggressively tried to steal kisses and is a serial fanny squeezer.

Of course, Franken doesn't admit any wrongdoing whatsoever - going so far as saying that some of the accusations are untrue (i.e., the ladies are lying - which we've previously been lectured is an impossibility) and that he has very different recollections of the other incidents. Specifically, that when he was squeezing women's backsides, he erroneously believed them to be irresistible rolls of Charmin toilet tissue (the so-called "Mr. Whipple" defense).

Our parting words for the disgraced Senator: don't let the screen door hit you where you've been hitting on everyone else.

Moan-ivational Posters

There comes a time in life when we feel the importance of giving back to younger generations and sharing the hard-won wisdom we've accrued over decades of experience.

And for us, that time came yesterday when we had an hour to kill and nothing to entertain ourselves with other than an iPad and an app designed to make motivational memes.

The app comes complete with a number of iconic, tasteful images which can easily be paired with genuinely inspirational quotes.

Or not - which is the direction we took...

Feel free to print these and hang them on your walls for inspiration. Better still, print them and hang them on the walls of those who deserve to be confused and depressed!

Ross To Judgement

In what we're hoping will soon become a trend, ABC News has suspended their reporter Brian Ross not for boob grabbing, fanny patting, weeny waggling, or misuse of an under-the-desk "rape button," but rather for committing actual journalistic malfeasance.

Specifically, Ross broke the story (perhaps not realizing just how broken it was) that former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn was prepared to testify that candidate Donald Trump had told him to make contact with the Russians during the election - no doubt for purposes of heinous collusion in the first degree.

Wow! That's a pretty damning story - and the stock market reacted with a plunge of over 300 points as evil millionaires and billionaires rushed to the exits, aware that the criminal Trump administration was finished.

Fortunately for us, and quite unfortunately for ABC, the story was 100% untrue - although we can't say yet if this can be attributed to straight up lying or just ham-handed ineptitude.

Actually, Flynn was prepared to testify that President-Elect Trump (after the election) predictably and appropriately asked him to make contact with Russia as any transition team would do - in this case to discuss the possibility of joint US/Russian military options to fight ISIS.

Ross has been suspended without pay for 4 weeks, and ABC has issued a retraction of the earlier story...albeit without the hoopla surrounding their original "scoop." Frankly, we're hoping that Ross spends his time off productively, perhaps watching old reruns of "Dragnet." He'd at least be reminded of the importance of gathering "just the facts."

We'll Get Hat Mail For This

Yes, it's another "free association" Earwigs day here at Stilton's Place! There are some things happening on the home front that are keeping us from being able to really focus - and besides, wouldn't we all really just enjoy a few simple laughs on a Friday?

Oh, we could have riffed on sexual improprieties again, but we're getting sick of the story. Not that we're getting sick of guys getting their asses handed to them for being jerks to women - we're just getting tired of talking about it.

Perhaps because some of these most recent sex scandals don't really have a lot of zing to them. Owl-faced Garrison Keillor hugged a woman and his hand briefly touched her bare back?! Give us a break. Back in old Hollywood, comedian Fatty Arbuckle was accused of raping a woman to death with a Coke bottle, and more recently actor Bob "Hogan's Heroes" Crane shot hundreds of porn videos of himself with different women until the night he was beaten to death with his own camera. (Which, incidentally, would be a lot harder to do in the age of the iPhone.)

We're not saying that those are good things, but we're saying they're at least more interesting than hearing about Mr. Lake Woebegon fingering the notches in some woman's spine.

We might also have written about North Korea's new ballistic missile that can theoretically nuke anyone in the United States...or easily cause an EMP event which would kill off 90% of Americans through starvation and disease (as could John Conyers boxer shorts). But hey - is THAT what anyone wants to hear about on a perfectly nice Friday?! We think not.

So instead, we've got the Earwigs cartoon and a very important request: Please help us wish "Happy Birthday" to the lovely (and loved) Mrs. Jarlsberg today! Absolutely no one of AARP age should look as good as she does!