Wednesday, August 23, 2017

The Wreck of the Houseperus

"I've got good news!" our renovation contractor said. "Owing to a change in schedule, we can actually begin demolishing the rest of your home tomorrow instead of weeks from now!"

"Good news," in other words, is very much in the eye of the beholder. We now have to desperately scurry around and prepare every stick of furniture to be moved out of harm's way - including taking apart our insanely complex home entertainment system which, we're guessing, will never really go together again because it was assembled by the much younger and more technically savvy guy that we were 20 years ago. These days, we don't know HDMI from Shinola.

We have to unplug all of those bafflingly-connected electronics so that our entertainment center can be broken down and moved. It's a huge piece of custom furniture that in earlier times might have served as the towering centerpiece of Druid rituals.

The sudden change in schedule also forced a whirlwind of buying today: appliances, doors, locks, toilets, and more. Even now, our wallet is whimpering like a mournful puppy and economists are rejoicing at the sudden uptick of economic activity in the nation's heartland.

All of which is to explain why we don't have any real political commentary today, other than the fact that we basically like what Trump had to say about Afghanistan, and we loved the NY Times's spit-flecked outrage over the fact that Trump, unlike his loathsome predecessor, didn't talk specific troop numbers, specific strategies, or declare an automatic "pullout date" for our nation's enemies to pencil into their day planners.

Well played, President Trump.

And now, with hopes of giving you at least a LITTLE something to laugh at, we present an Earwigs cartoon (the frazzled subject of which looks a lot like our self-portrait at the moment). Don't be surprised if you see a LOT of these for awhile...

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Monday, August 21, 2017

Putting On Our Apocalypse Glasses

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Seriously, you're going to put your vision into the hands of America's sworn enemies and the Dollar Store?!

And since Nazis are very popular in the news right now...

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Okay, one more, just for fun...

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Today is "eclipse" day, which we're having sort of a hard time getting excited about. Not that we don't like looking at shadows, but come on - what's the big deal? At least one "news" outlet we saw referred to the eclipse as "historic," and many sources are calling it a "once in a lifetime event" despite the fact that the next total eclipse in these parts is just 7 years from now. Which, granted, may seem like a lifetime to Trump haters.

As far as we're concerned, the moon's shadow is always somewhere but we just don't see it, in much the same way we don't see a random Chinaman taking his morning poo on the far side of the world. Both are hard-to-see sights unless you're in exactly the right place at just the right time. Even so, we wouldn't go out of our way to catch either one (nor would we observe either without protective eyewear).

Then again, maybe we're just grumpy because this is the week that our personal "Apocalypse glasses" need to be put on during the home remodeling. The master bathroom has come a long way (on Friday, workmen finished tiling the floor of our master closet and the result is breathtaking - in part because it was supposed to be carpeted) and today our giant, expensive granite countertops are arriving - producing a near total eclipse of our wallet.

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Alas, Formica, I knew you well...
Putting in the kitchen countertops means tearing out our stove, our sink, disposal, and our dishwasher - none of which will be replaced for days at the very least. Seriously, we're going to be living like North Koreans. Well, North Koreans with access to fast food.

On the positive side, the coffee machine will now be perking in our only working bathroom, which should prove to be a time-saver (assuming that, in an historic first, the aforementioned Chinaman hasn't beaten us in there).

Friday, August 18, 2017

Glaring Idiocy (A Single Malt Diatribe)

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We only WISH there were glasses which could filter out the blinding, glaring stupidity which radiates constantly from mainstream "news" sources. But sadly, such filters are exclusively internal and, rather than shaded pieces of plastic, are composed of actual functioning brains. In other words, they're inaccessible to virtually everyone on the Left.

An aside: we've had a busy and sporadically frustrating day, and now find ourselves in the position of writing this blog post under the (very welcome) influence of our 3rd scotch. And not our usual sleazy-ass scotch: this is a pretty tasty single malt aged in an old Sherry cask.

And we earned it fair and square. Not just from the home construction stuff, which is frustrating but going smoothly enough. But from the brain-frying level of insanity galloping through our news media and popular culture at the moment. We're referring specifically to the total meltdown related to Donald Trump saying that all violent, racist hate groups are bad, and the President's apparently unforgivable assertion that he likes to have facts before making broad pronouncements.

As if that wasn't bad enough, various "business" advisors to President Trump have very publicly dumped him and their positions giving counsel on creating jobs in America, because they don't want to run the risk of being branded Nazi-sympathizers.

In other words, the Left has managed to create a ridiculous fantasy which now makes it less likely that Donald Trump can energize our economy and create jobs to the degree we'd all hoped. And how does Wall Street feel about that? Predictably, it's running around in headless chicken fashion. Seriously, every day that the media accuses Trump of Nazi sympathies - or suggests that he's now ripe for impeachment - we personally lose thousands of dollars from our retirement account, and it pisses us the hell off.

Mind you, we're not among the "evil rich" who can laugh (no doubt haughtily) upon losing a few grand here or there. No, we're members of the "unlikable upper middle class" (white privilege division) and when that kind of cash is lost just because liars have bullhorns, it tends to rankle.

(We pause briefly to stare at the page and ask ourselves two questions: 1) are we getting away with this commentary, and 2) should we go for that 4th scotch...?)

As if the news wasn't bad enough, we had the horrific ISIS terror attack in Barcelona today in which dozens were mowed down by a speeding van, hostages were taken, and more. About which, CNN had the unbelievable gall to ask "was this a copycat attack modeled after Charlottesville?"

THAT, my dear friends, is the sort of asinine question that sends good men back to their scotch bottles. And yes, that means we just poured a 4th glass.

We're not going to get deeper into the Trump foolishness: he's right, they're wrong, he's said and done the appropriate things, and we fully support him. Okay, his tweet about General Pershing's anti-Muslim pork-tainted bullets was a bit over the top, but we're going to let it go because A) his comment was amusing, and B) we should really be doing that.

Seriously, we propose the creation of designated "war pigs" who donate blood for the purpose of contaminating terror-targeted bullets. Pigs who are given the best treatment that America can give them for their entire lifetimes. First class slop, party privileges with pretty porkers, blue skies, green grass, and cool mud.

(Note to self: they're on to you - the scotch is definitely starting to show.)

BONUS: ON A SEMI-RELATED NOTE

All of the above is depressing, and we're about to depress you even more. But stick with us - we think we've got a way to make it all better at the end!

Today, daughter Jarlsberg, who is as good and sweet a soul as any ever put on this Earth, encountered an unconscious kitten baking under the hot Oklahoma sun. She tried to get the poor little creature to a veterinarian in time...but it was too late.

This was painful to her, and to her parents. What the hell kind of world is this, anyway?!

Well...maybe it's a pretty good one. Because even though she couldn't save that kitten, daughter Jarlsberg subsequently gave money to some charities that will help other little animals.

And then we did the same - writing an accompanying little note that in the kitten's too short life it had still made a difference by inspiring others to act.

Not only did it make us feel a little better, it sort of delighted us to think that all of the Left-wing loonies who are currently rock solid sure that we're Nazis would be stunned to know that we're really soft-hearted animal lovers who (unlike the Left) are willing to give up our OWN hard-earned cash to help rather than simply demanding that others do it.

The charity we support is called the Abandoned Animal Project, affiliated with the Texas-based Vet Ranch. They're genuinely great people who make wonderful Youtube videos like this one...



We're not going to exert any pressure on you to make a donation (at the link above). But if you would like to send $5 or $10 to help abandoned animals, it's an inexpensive and thoroughly enjoyable way of giving a metaphorical finger to those on the Left who don't actually have a shred of altruism or charity in their miserable little hearts.