Friday, July 21, 2017

Knife Guys Finish First

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OJ Simpson will be a free man in October (he'll be the big trick-or-treater in the Michael Myers mask) thanks to a parole board's decision to let him out early for committing armed robbery because he had "no prior criminal convictions."

Wow.

Of course, he did have a prior civil conviction, in which he was found to be responsible for brutally chopping up former wife Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. But apparently the parole board didn't consider that salient in making their determination that Simpson probably constitutes no threat to any member of the general public unless they piss OJ off.

Simpson's parole brings back unpleasant memories of his original trial, in which the race card was played as the ultimate "Get Out of Jail Free" card thanks to a jive-talking defense attorney who made his simple-minded arguments in hippity-hop rhyme, a liberal white female prosecutor who believed that her "sisterhood" with black female jurors would outweigh racial solidarity, and a pair of gloves that unsurprisingly didn't fit OVER a pair of unforgiving rubber gloves - especially when OJ spread his meaty fingers into a fan shape as if he had no experience whatsoever with how gloves are supposed to work.

When it was finally time for the OJ verdict to be announced, we were personally watching a recording of "It's a Wonderful Life" and paused it just before poor old George Bailey prayed on the bridge to live again. Foolish optimists that we were, we thought the jury's remarkably short deliberation must mean that they'd voted OJ "guilty" owing to the superabundance of incontrovertible evidence. (For the record, Mrs. Jarlsberg, who is wise in all things, thought the exact opposite.)

But no, it turned out that thanks to ignorance and a heaping helping of anti-white racism and anti-cop sentiment, a homicidal butcher could literally get away with murder - and did.

And when we eventually returned to "It's a Wonderful Life," the ending felt hollow and meaningless. At that moment in time, we just couldn't buy the fable that justice will eventually triumph, and that diverse communities are comprised of inherently good people who will rally together to do to what's right in times of crisis.

Our enthusiasm for the film has returned over time, but not our naivete about what to expect from the justice system or those who churn race hatred for their own benefit. Among whom, we're sure, will be OJ Simpson yet again.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, oj, oj simpson, parole, nicole, murder, racism, killer, guilty, race, it's a wonderful life

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Back to Healthcare Reform School

If history repeats itself, we might as well do the same thing - which is why we're recycling this cartoon and commentary from earlier this year (3/27/17)...

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Now that healthcare reform reform has failed, two groups of people are celebrating. Those who love Obamacare the most, and those who hate Obamacare the most.

At this point, it's moot to debate the relative virtues or failures of the proposed GOP bill, but we are going to take strong exception to the idea that if the healthcare system is allowed to completely collapse in the next few years (which Trump is enthusiastically tweeting as a "plan"), that America's sick, dying, overcharged, and uninsured will blame the out-of-power Democrats for having created Obamacare, rather than the fat and happy Republican legislators who stood around this national bonfire roasting marshmallows and making s'mores.

Put another way, when our healthcare system fails the voters will not reward the party that did nothing (even if the reasons were good), but will instead flock to the party that promises a quick and all encompassing fix - namely, a single-payer "Medicare For All" plan.

That's going to be the Democrats, which is hardly surprising: Obamacare was designed to fail after destroying the free market health insurance system, thereby leaving fully socialized medicine as the only viable alternative. And the Dems knew human nature well enough to understand that this would assure their party power.

Think we're wrong? Just ask yourself - if you were the patient in the cartoon above, who would you blame? The former doctor who misdiagnosed you, or the current doctor who says he'll watch you suffer and die because it's the easiest way for him to remain blameless?

BONUS: HOPPING MAD

After posting Monday about our brief professional flirtation with the Weekly World News, we decided to indulge ourselves in the creation of another mock-up cover just to see what one of our sensationalistic stories might have looked like in the supermarket checkout line...

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Admit it - you want to read all the juicy details.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Weekly World News

Today we're introducing a new and totally unrequested feature called "The Jarlsberg Diaries," in which we take you for an exciting (and true!) behind-the-scenes look into the colorful life of Stilton Jarlsberg. Fair warning: you may be seeing a lot of this feature in the near future if the stupid Trump/Russia story continues to top the (ahem) "news."

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See that story about the severed leg? We actually wrote that, years ago, and it really appeared in the Weekly World News - arguably the greatest provider of fake news ever, although CNN is currently giving them a real run for their money.

We worked editorially with Weekly World News for only a short time; it was a dream job, but sadly there were contractual issues which couldn't be resolved - making us long for a cover story saying "BAT BOY DEVOURS LAWYERS - Receives Thanks Of Grateful Nation."

But just for fun, here's a sampling of some stories we submitted which never made print, but would have looked great with bold-faced caps and lurid illustrations at the supermarket checkout lanes...

ANTS ALREADY RULE THE EARTH
And Our Government Works For Them!

"IT'S HUMAN SKIN!"
Mona Lisa Art World Shocker!

CANNIBAL EATS COURTROOM JUDGE
After Judge Rules It Legal!

TWO-TON TODDLER IS TEETER-TOTTER TERROR!

ALPHABET TO GET NEW LETTER
And You Don't Say It With Your Mouth!

CENTIPEDE BOY NEEDS YOUR SHOES

BONELESS BABY GOES DOWN THE DRAIN
Found Safe & Sound At Local Beach!

SWISS ARMY TAKES ON TERRORISTS
With Pocketknife Tweezers And Tiny Scissors

SKATEBOARDING GRANNY BREAKS SOUND BARRIER!

WOMAN DONATES BUTTOCKS
To Flat-Chested Sister

ELEVATOR HELL: BLIND NUN TRAPPED WITH BOXING KANGAROO!

HOWLER MONKEY IS NEWEST RAP STAR

LEMON LOVER'S FACE IMPLODES!

IRS DEMANDS NUDE PHOTOS OF EVERY TAXPAYER
And It's The Law!

And finally...


BONUS: AN UNKIND CRACK

See that itty-bitty picture in the top right of the Hitler Baby cover? Here it is full-sized. We don't actually have that much against Chris Christie, but considering the conniption fits the Left is having over a slab of ice it just seemed like a fun image.