Friday, February 21, 2020

Clowns To The Far Left Of Me

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Wednesday's Democratic debate was a political cuisinart which pureed the remaining candidates into a delicious smoothie for Donald Trump to sip at his leisure.

The six candidates took turns bashing each other and saying absolutely horrible things, all of which - for a pleasant change - were true. Everyone hated Bloomberg for his wealth and his actual history of getting some good things done as mayor of New York, all of which he's now renounced (the accomplishments, not his apparently endless supply of money).

Elizabeth Warren, apparently too full of firewater, swung her tomahawk at everyone. Bernie Sanders had steam blowing out of his ears when Bloomberg called him a millionaire with three houses and, just for good measure, policies that amount to communism. Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar attacked each other in a desperate bid to prove that each wasn't the lamest candidate on stage - an effort which both won when they noticed that Joe Biden was, inexplicably, still in the debates.

The DNC can't be happy about this public display of disorganization, non-unity, and whatever the hell the opposite of "charisma" is. It's a bit too early to call, but it's looking more and more likely that the Democrats will end up with a brokered convention in which the eventual candidate is selected rather than elected.

And we don't want to say who that candidate will be, but we think we can hear her having a coughing spell just offstage.

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Wednesday, February 19, 2020

The Road to Hell is Paved

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Barack Obama has churned social media (and sent President Trump into another tweet storm) thanks to this absolutely ludicrous post...

That's right, the a**hole is trying to take credit for the Trump economy by simply throwing down a Big Lie and trusting America's demonstrable history-related  amnesia to let him get away with it. But as the saying goes, "Pepperidge Farm remembers...and so do people who were scarred by 8 years of the Worst Frigging President Ever." Which is why we know that he signed the (ha!) Recovery Act eleven years ago...and it was declared a complete failure only one year later (and every year thereafter). 

To prove this point, let's climb into our convenient time machine...


A White House economist has released a news bulletin for the millions of Americans waiting for Obama's $787 billion dollar "stimulus package" to start doing something to help them: "it's already over." If you blinked, you missed it.

Despite unprecedented (and unsecured) government spending, 49 of 50 states continued to bleed jobs as unemployment levels soared to new highs. Put another way, the "stimulus" didn't stimulate squat. Meanwhile, the Whitehouse continues to claim that the stimulus package saved millions of imaginary jobs that "might have been lost but weren't," and also deflected giant asteroids that "could have struck the Earth but didn't."


If it's true that a sucker is born every minute, Barack Obama is not only the "man of the hour," he's quite possibly either the biggest sucker...or biggest con-artist...of the century.

How else to explain his recent admission that "there's no such thing as a shovel-ready project," after spending nearly a 
trillion taxpayer dollars on these figments of his imagination?

While disappointed to admit that investing in non-existent shovel-ready jobs was perhaps the 
most expensive financial blunder in history, the president has a number of solid fallback plans with which to bolster the U.S. economy.

He's directed Michelle Obama and "those fat kids" to plant money trees in the White House garden... Obamacare dental clinics are collecting teeth to put under the president's pillow for the tooth fairy... and a nationwide search is taking place for geese which lay golden eggs (although there's concern that members of the president's party may immediately kill them to get the "gold inside.")

And as for the $800 billion spent on shovels, well...they'll soon be used to bury the political careers of a 
lot of Democrats.


Like Democrats, dogs have a very limited list of possible solutions for all problems. For Democrats, it's demagoguery or tax and spend. For dogs, it's taking a nap or licking themselves. And in many cases, the dogs' options are not only more effective, but trillions of dollars cheaper.

As a case in point, Obama's Council of Economic Advisors just released their report on the president's stimulus bill...apparently unaware (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) that with all of the 4th of July parades, celebrations, and fireworks, and with all the conservative commentators on vacation, their findings would escape close scrutiny.

Obama's own experts found that the government spent $278,000 of taxpayer money for every job "created or saved." Meaning we could have just hired 2.7 million street sweepers for $100,000 each...and we would not only have saved $427 billion dollars, but we'd have streets so clean you could eat off them. Or in this economy, sleep in them.

But the report also notes that the number of jobs "created or saved" by the president's use of a monetary fire hose has recently declined from 2.7 million to 2.4 million...meaning that in the past 6 months, the "stimulus" has actually caused 288,000 people to lose their jobs. And experts speculate that our economy would now be hiring at a faster rate if no stimulus had ever been passed.

But at least spending all of that money felt really good for the president (and surely felt pretty good to all the politically connected types who actually received the money).

Still, for the future of our country, we think the president should replace his current economic advisers with dogs.  

And perhaps take up yoga.

Monday, February 17, 2020

Minimum Rage

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It's increasingly likely that Bernie Sanders' least favorite billionaire with delusions of grandeur is no longer Donald Trump, but Democrat Mike Bloomberg who is buying his way into a possible nomination, and stealing whatever else he needs.

In this case, it's Bernie's long promised platform of making the minimum wage $15 an hour - a hugely popular position among the multitude of young Sanders enthusiasts who have enough self-awareness to know that their careers are likely to peak while receiving minimum wage.

Although a late entry into the race, Bloomberg has a real shot at the nomination thanks to his ability to not only buy massive amounts of advertising, but also his willingness to buy endorsements and hire the best political strategists (more than he needs) at high rates just to keep them from working on the campaigns of other candidates.

Of course, Bloomberg isn't the only threat to Bernie's ascendancy just now. The DNC believes, no doubt accurately, that a Sanders candidacy would guarantee another four years of Trump and very likely give Republicans the House of Representatives. Which is why the DNC is bending or breaking all of their own rules in order to grease the skids for Bloomberg.

Plus, Bloomberg may have another surprise for Bernie up his short little sleeve...

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People unclear on the whole "heartbeat away" thing...
There are reports that Bloomberg has explored the possibility of making Hillary Clinton his running mate, and neither Bloomberg nor Hillary will firmly deny it.

Frankly, we don't think it's going to happen because Hillary would never settle for being Vice President, and Bloomberg doesn't want to be violently suicided. It's more likely that this "news" has been leaked to tempt diehard Hillary fans to vote for Bloomberg rather than Bernie in the primaries - a nasty trick which fits the modus operandi of both Hillary and the DNC perfectly.

Then again, it's been speculated that Bloomberg doesn't really want the presidency, but desperately wants Trump out of office. Given that scenario, we could see a Bloomberg / Clinton ticket happening, with a tacit understanding between the two of them that Bloomberg would quickly step aside without the need to shoot himself in the back of the head a couple of dozen times.


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