Monday, August 10, 2020

Space Racists

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Now that the exploration of space is safely in the hands of eccentric billionaires, the folks at NASA have plenty of time on their hands to work on more important things. Having presumably completed their Obama-era "primary mission" of Muslim Outreach (see below), the agency has announced that they are now moving on to eliminating "culturally insensitive" nicknames for objects in space which are "actively harmful" and are painful reminders of "the systemic discrimination and inequality" inherent in staring up at the night sky.

For starters, NASA will no longer make reference to the "Siamese Twins Galaxy," a name which refers to 1800s sideshow legends Chang and Eng Bunker, conjoined twins who were not only "stars" but actually pretty darn cool. Seriously, they went from poverty to great wealth, married two sisters, and fathered 21 children. Now there's a mental picture you can't un-see.

NASA will now be referring to the twin galaxies as NGC 4567 and NGC 4568, apparently unaware that it's highly inappropriate to describe galaxies using n-words. The agency is also banishing the name of the "Eskimo Nebula" lest it offend any parka-wearing indigenous people who live in igloos and subscribe to "Sky & Telescope Magazine."

All of which is a good start, but NASA clearly still has a long way to go. Should vegans still have to be offended by the word "meteor?" Must the lactose intolerant be repulsed by the "Milky Way?" Do we want observatories burned to the ground by those protesting the term "Black Hole?" And what the hell were the astronomers thinking when they came up with the name "Red Dwarf?" Seriously, why piss off a group of people who have no ability to punch you anywhere other than in the balls?

Should a telescope have an eyepiece instead of a more inclusive we-piece? Shouldn't an orbit's "eccentricity" simply be referred to non-judgmentally as a "choice?" And instead of combing the universe for intelligence, shouldn't NASA spend more time looking out there for feelings?

Finally, we'd like to suggest that NASA put a special priority on finding a new phrase to describe the variations in sunlight reflecting from the seventh planet.  Because even we're offended by "waxing Uranus"

FROM THE VAULT: July 6, 2010

NASA Administrator Charles Bolden has revealed that the "foremost" mission Barack Hussein Obama wants him to accomplish is to improve relations with the Muslim world.

Speaking to Al Jazeera on the one year anniversary of the president's trip to Cairo to praise Islam, Bolden said that the president charged him with several tasks...the 
foremost of which was "he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science and math and engineering."

The president seems to be forgetting that the culture's 
last historic contribution to aviation science was the discovery of how to fly to New York using only boxcutters.

Friday, August 7, 2020

Oh, Baby

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• Joe Biden says he doesn't intend to take any cognitive tests because he can tell "the difference between an elephant and a lion." Based on that argument alone, we agree that additional testing is unnecessary.

• Following a devastating explosion in Beirut caused by Ammonium Nitrate, Joe Biden has contacted Lebanon to promise them that, if he is elected president, he will commit US troops to invade Ammonia.

• As of this week, the ACLU has filed nearly 400 lawsuits against the Trump Administration. They have also filed suit against UCLA for having a name that is potentially confusing to dyslectic anarchists.

• Trendsetters are claiming that "pineapples are the new pumpkins" for carving Jack O'Lanterns. Apparently because pineapple growers, not satisfied with screwing up pizza, now also want to screw up Halloween.

• Michelle Obama reports that she is suffering from "low-grade depression" owing to coronavirus, racial strife, and Donald Trump. Stilton's Place has started a Go Fund Me (And The Horse I Rode In On) page where donors can contribute toward a $15 goal to buy the former first lady a jug of Clan MacGregor and a tasteful STFU card.

• On Thursday, survivors of the Hiroshima atomic bomb blast gathered to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the event, which reminded us of two things: this old post from 2016, and what a complete POS Barack Obama is. No wonder Michelle is depressed...

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Their tiny tanks never stood a chance.

Yesterday, Barack Obama confirmed plans to be the first sitting president to visit Hiroshima while wearing lead-shielded underpants.

His purpose is, by wild coincidence, to tell the world how awful nuclear proliferation is (except, say, in Iran) but he reportedly has no plans to specifically apologize for the bombs which ended World War II with impressive finality.

Still, his visit is seen internationally as an acknowledgment that America once did a very, very mean thing and, now that many young Americans have no freaking sense whatsoever of history, we feel just awful about it. Come here, Hiroshima - you need a hug!

By the way, as long as we've mentioned people being increasingly clueless about history, the link above goes to a story in US News & World Report which reports that we dropped a hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.  Which was a pretty good trick, considering that the first hydrogen bomb (1000 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb) was test-detonated seven years later in 1952.

But hey, why let little things like empirical facts and actual history spoil a story about what assholes we were back in the 1940s? And for that matter, why should those realities deter Barack Obama from his latest strident stop on the seemingly unending "blame America first" tour?
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Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Oh, Chute

Pa, cartoon, Donnel

Remember me mentioning that I might be making minimal posts from time to time? This is one of those times! And please know that all is well - really! - other than in a time management sense. As some scholar once said: "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

But rather than leave this page empty, I'm sharing another ancient cartoon drawn by my Dad, from whom I inherited an appreciation for dark humor. Hopefully you'll enjoy it too!