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Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Cheap Shot

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, jen psaki, biden, covid, pandemic, vaccine, nascar

Remember when characterizing entire groups of people with broad, unflattering stereotypes was considered unacceptable? Apparently the Biden administration doesn't, as evidenced by a recent Jen Psaki press briefing in which she said that the White House was trying to push their vaccine message to white conservatives by advertising on "The Deadliest Catch" (essentially a fishing show) and making outreach via Nascar and country music. 

While not specifically referenced, we assume taxpayer-funded pro-vaccination ads are also being put on confederate flags and packages of chewing tobacco, while bumper stickers ("White Trash Matters - Get The Shot") are being handed out in trailer parks.

To be clear, Stilton's Place is in favor of the vaccinations (albeit not enthusiastically). So we'd like to give Jen Psaki a little advice: rather than assume that white conservatives are all inbred hillbillies who are just too dumb or obstinate to get vaccinated, why not work on your actual messaging?

Because it's just possible that some people are resistant to the vaccine push because it's coming from people whose torrent of lies puts Niagara Falls to shame. And for that matter, it's coming from people who clearly hate white conservatives and have consistently acted against their interests. 

Or maybe it's because the Biden administration hasn't really made it clear what we can do when vaccinated that we can't do while unvaccinated? Can we gather in groups? Can we take off our masks? Can we put rusting wrecked cars on cement blocks in our front lawns and throw beer bottles into the crabgrass and then shoot at them like before the pandemic?

There could be some additional foot-dragging on getting The Shot owing to reputable stories about Covid-19 variants "breaking through" the Pfizer vaccine (although current efficacy is still high), and little "oopsies" like the discovery that the AstraZeneca vaccine can sometimes cause a potentially fatal blood clotting disorder. But, you know, only rarely

But really, Jen, all of these considerations can be boiled down to just one salient point: the Biden administration has no credibility among white conservatives. None. So quit throwing our hard-earned money at TV commercials which run during professional wrestling and "Beverly Hillbillies" re-runs. Instead, try giving us yokels some straight truth or, better still, just shut up.

Monday, April 12, 2021

Deep In The Heart of Taxes

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, taxes, border, illegal aliens, covid, white supremacists, terror
This cartoon is a carryover credit from our 2015 risibility returns

While Tax Day has technically been moved to May 17 this year, the government still requires the self-employed to make a quarterly tax payment on April 15. So there's no way to know if you're making an accurate payment unless you've done your freaking taxes. So once again we're dancing with Turbotax and the always impenetrable language of the IRS. Seriously, it would be easier to interpret the language of dolphins than whatever the hell the IRS forms are talking about.

And we're feeling especially resentful about paying our allegedly unfair "fair share" this year while watching how the Democrats are spending like there's no tomorrow. And perhaps ensuring that very outcome.

When did "trillions" become such an easy-peasy word to toss around in spending bills? Joe Biden's proposals already total over four trillion in new spending, which is more than the total amount the government collected from taxpayers in 2019. So where is this "money" coming from? You'll find out soon enough as you watch the purchasing power of your savings or retirement accounts dwindle while prices rise on (we pause to check our extensive research)...oh, yes! Everything!

Then there's nonsense like New York's $2 billion plan to give away $15,600 in Covid relief to individual "undocumented workers who can meet strict eligibility requirements." Which makes us wonder: how can the "undocumented" meet any eligibility requirements? Are they excluded if they do have an I.D.? And is there any way to stop the Biden administration for making this the new standard for Democrat voting?

Still, there are even dumber ways to waste tax money.  Although Kamala Harris has yet to evince any interest in the non-crisis border crisis she's supposedly in charge of, she has suggested that she believes the best way to reduce the tsunami of illegals invading our nation is to make their countries of origin more desirable to stay in. Which is why the Harris-Biden administration is considering plans to just send Central American citizens the damn money directly and save them the long walk to our border.  Whether or not they'll still receive a complementary Biden t-shirt remains unclear.

Neither are we keen about writing another big check to the government (and we're lucky/unlucky that it IS a big check) in order to fund a CDC which believes that racism is a public health threat (hint to the CDC: if you can't culture it in a petri dish, then STFU). Nor are we happy about pouring money into the FBI, Homeland Security, and the National Counterterrorism Center - all of whom have declared "white supremacists" to be the greatest active terror threat owing to, and we're paraphrasing their report here, "all white people being bad." But if that were true, then we'd be making a tasteless joke (which we aren't) about NASA announcing that the best way to use our tax dollars is to put a "person of color" on the moon.

But despite all of the above, we're actually glad to pay our income tax. Because it still beats getting raped in a prison shower. 

Slightly.

Friday, April 9, 2021

Odd Is My Co-Pilot

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, diversity, voter ID, united airlines, pilots, affirmative action

United Airlines has announced a new diversity initiative intended to guarantee that 8 years from now, fully half of their new pilots will be women and people of color. So far, there is no word on how many will be illegal aliens, LGBTQ+ (who will naturally fly biplanes), or Uber drivers looking for a side gig.

Currently, women and people of color represent a relatively small percentage of airline pilots, which can apparently be blamed entirely on the racist and sexist attitudes of airline HR departments that use job applications with trick questions like "do you know how to fly?"

Only kidding, of course. The real reason for the under-representation, according to a United Airlines employee who wishes to remain imaginary, is "black applicants don't have any I.D. and women can't commit the time to pilot training because of their unwanted pregnancies." Situations which, tragically, didn't improve under Donald Trump.

Of course, we'd personally be fine with pilots of any color or gender as long as they were in the cockpit solely because of merit. But affirmative action programs have painfully taught us that this isn't how the system really works. In order to hit the right numbers for quotas/goals, standards will always be lowered. Unlike the landing gear when these new pilots turn routine landings into tragic headlines.

IN MEMORIAM: Rem1875 & Judi King

We're sad to report the passing of longtime reader and commenter Rem1875. Joe, his actual name, was a regular (that's a word used with love and respect here) who could always be counted on to add wit, wisdom, or probably both to any conversational topic. You can read additional details at this link.

We've subsequently learned of the passing of Judi King, who has likewise been a cherished presence here on the blog. Both of them will be greatly missed.

Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Fair To Maudlin

 You know the drill by now. We didn't want anything to do with the news, which is why we're posting this instead...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, caption, social security, ladybug, DMV

...and because the journalistic importance of "padding" can hardly be overstated, here are some random bits and pieces of Wednesday-ish stuff:

• Ladybug the pitbull (Penny's second-in-command) is recovering splendidly from her recent leg surgery, and is actually ahead of the curve. She has no discomfort at all and our biggest therapeutic duty will be keeping her from running around like a Tasmanian devil for the next couple of months.

• We just received another letter from the Social Security Administration saying that Mrs. J's monthly payment is being withheld (again) because she has overdue Medicare premium payments on the books. We already wasted a couple of hours of our life on this last month and established that we are in fact paying the premiums directly from her Social Security benefit and paying the premium by check, so have been double-paying for quite a while and they actually owe us a refund of hundreds of dollars. We haven't called them to complain again yet, because experience tells us there will be no satisfactory conclusion anyway.

• Speaking of governmental incompetence, we've still found no way for Daughter J to get a Texas driver's license until mid-August (the DMV only allows you in by appointment and, thanks to Covid, appointments take about six months)...meaning she can't work until then. Are illegal aliens waiting this long to be given a driver's license? We wouldn't bet on it.

• We're hearing a lot of BS about the difficulty of obtaining photo IDs for certain segments of society and wonder why no one has taken action on the obvious solution we suggested back in 2014:

Monday, April 5, 2021

Just Another Mish-Mash Monday

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, harris, floyd, georgia, mlb, AOC, Busty

Discerning readers (and if you're here, that's you) may be aware of a subtle shift in the tenor of the Stilton's Place blog following the events of last (alleged) election day. We no longer really provide in depth coverage and analysis of current events, but rather just get within spitting distance of the news. And we mean that literally - we just get near enough to news stories to vigorously hock up big, wet mucousy phlegm wads and spit it right on them.  Because that's all the "news" deserves these days.

Let's look at the gob-covered stories listed above...

• In Washington, a black man, theoretically deranged from repeated football concussions and exposure to the rantings of Nation of Islam founder Louis Farrakhan, rammed his car into two policemen (killing one) and a concrete barrier before waving a knife around and getting shot deader than a mackerel. This is a horrible story...but it's not a big one. A crazy lone wolf did a horrible thing and now he's dead. Yet politicians and the "news" media are more or less calling this "insurrection two" (ignoring the fact that there was no "insurrection one") and citing it as evidence that our nation's capital needs to remain a guarded military outpost. Unlike, oh, our southern border.

• Hunter "Foot Job" Biden has just released his autobiography, which is titled "Beautiful Things" because "Child Molesting, Crack Smoking, and Bribery" didn't test as well with publishers (although it will likely still be the name of the eventual movie). Not to put too fine a point on it, but Hunter Biden is human scum, due at least in part to the fact that his father more or less abandoned him (after Hunter's mother and sister were killed in a car accident that the boy and his brother, Beau, survived) to devote himself to politics full time. Not that anything good ever came out of it, other than giving Joe the chance to sniff a lot of women's hair...and likely worse.

• Major League Baseball is moving its All-Star Game out of Atlanta, Georgia because the state wants to ensure legitimate elections by requiring voter ID. Which, apparently, no black person in Georgia has or is able to figure out how to acquire. Of course, the MLB itself requires people to produce ID to pick up their "will call" baseball tickets. But hey, who are we to criticize them for loathing black people? 

• Do we really need to say anything at all about what an offensive idiot AOC is? She apparently wants U.S. taxpayers to cough up "reparations" to illegal aliens because...well...we don't know why and we don't effing care. Meanwhile, small children are being dropped over the border wall (recent video shows a 3-year-old and 5-year-old girl being dropped from a 14-foot high wall to thud heavily onto American soil). Theoretically, that's the sort of thing that Kamala Harris should be looking into, but she's apparently too busy laughing hysterically and supervising the remodeling of her vice-presidential quarters. Not that she plans to stay in them long.

• The George Floyd trial continues to drag along, setting the stage for a fresh round of rioting and outrage no matter what verdict comes in. Adding to the merriment, Cher recently tweeted that if she'd been present at Floyd's final encounter with the police, she could have saved his life. Which, appropriately, got her spanked by the Left for presenting herself as a Great White Savior for black people incapable of determining their own fates.  Cher is sticking to her metaphorical guns, although she hasn't yet clarified just how she would have saved George Floyd after climbing into her time machine. Presumably she might have told him not to try passing any counterfeit money that day. Or advise him to simply get in the back of a police cruiser when asked to. Or maybe she would have suggested that he not take a potentially-lethal dose of drugs. But we do know what she wouldn't have done: just STFU.

Okay, end of rant for today. But seriously, we're holding the "news" at arm's length until further notice. Which fortunately still leaves one hand free for pinching our nose.

Friday, April 2, 2021

April Fooled Day

This year, we've given up working on April Fool's Day (when we're writing this) for Lent. Which is why we're revisiting this semi-classic post from 2015...

FROM THE VAULT: APRIL FOOL'S DAY EDITION 2015

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, resignation, april fool's day

On an unbelievably busy news day, no story is bigger than the shocking resignation of Barack Hussein Obama and his subsequent hasty helicopter escape from the roof of the White House.

Early morning television viewers were surprised to find their programs interrupted for an emergency announcement, during which the ashen-faced and possibly drug-fueled president spoke in rambling, frequently cryptic sentence fragments about "the sweet, sweet call to prayer," "dog-flavored shave ice," the merits of Titleist golf balls and, most puzzlingly, his declaration that "Mike is done pretending to be Michelle." He then told America to go (and we paraphrase here) fornicate itself, and capped his brief resignation with "Allahu Akbar - I'm out of here, suckers!"

In a scene reminiscent of America's departure from Vietnam, Obama scrambled aboard a George Soros-owned helicopter hovering just above the White House roof.  Newly appointed President Biden celebrated his unexpected promotion by rushing onto the White House balcony in his pajamas and firing a shotgun into the sky, before being tackled and disappearing under a pile of Secret Service agents. Sadly, the shotgun blast was thought to have done only minor damage to Mr. Obama's helicopter.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL - Also in today's news:

• John Kerry triumphantly announced that his negotiations with Iran have been successful and will be officially ratified in a ceremony in which "I'll kneel on a beach while wearing a traditional Iranian document-signing orange jumpsuit."

• A council of Native Americans judged Elizabeth Warren to be guilty of violating tribal law by failing to use "every part of the buffalo." In point of fact, she was using only one part of the buffalo and not, as nature intended, for the purpose of making more buffaloes.

• Pressed for more details about his injury, Harry Reid admitted that "the band that snapped" as he was working out with it was, as many suspected, The Village People.

• A crowd-funded Kickstarter campaign intended to pay for a monument to honor race martyr and cigar liberator Michael Brown fell short of its stated goal today, raising a final tally of only $375. The Ferguson highway department says the funds will be sufficient to create a commemorative speed bump.

• The Supreme Court issued a 5-4 ruling confirming that, despite the controversial and somewhat confusing language in the 17,000 page Obamacare bill, the government will give full "breast exam" reimbursements for every crispy dollar bill men spend in topless clubs.

Oh, relax - it's April Fool's Day