Maybe It IS Rocket Science

Both the Democrat and Republican national conventions ended with fireworks displays which replicated the excitement, dynamism, and energy of each event. For those who didn't experience either display, just imagine the difference between a wet fart and the 1812 Overture.

And while fireworks certainly don't tell the whole story (especially when the talking heads on mainstream media were wildly offended by seeing the White House used in a political way for the very, very, very first time ever), one candidate is still putting the "fuse" in "confused"...

If At First You Don't Concede

Hillary Clinton recently gave us a preview of coming distractions when she counseled Joe Biden to not concede the election "under any circumstances," even if he gets his ass handed to him by the voters ("Hey look," Joe would say, "It's my elbow!").

In other words, Hillary has dropped any pretense that she believes (or has ever believed) that our nation's leadership should be determined by voters. She's openly advocating a different system in which political machinations, power, money, and corrupt courts replace the expressed wishes of America's pesky peasant class. That system is called "tyranny," and dressing it up in a purple pantsuit doesn't make it any prettier.

And as long as we're hating on Hillary (and trust us, we are), here's a favorite cartoon from the vault...

And after hearing Leftists again attack Melania Trump following her stirring and eloquent convention speech, this cartoon from the vault seems relevant again...

Poll Driven

To be completely truthful, I again didn't have time to create much in the way of an original post today, which is why I defaulted to another one of my Dad's doodled cartoons (expect to see more of this happening for awhile).

But you know, it's not really a bad metaphor for what Trump and the Republicans are doing to the Democrats during the televised RNC Convention. The Dems spent their time talking about what a horrible, racist, xenophobic, fascist nightmare our country is...and Trump and company are taking that message and shoving it up their assumptions.

I haven't been able to watch much of the convention, but Mrs. J - with her various bandages, braces, and slings - is relegated to sitting in a chair and watching the news whether she likes it or not. Rather like Alex DeLarge in "A Clockwork Orange," whose eyes are wedged open so he can't look away from whatever's onscreen.

Happily, rather than Nazi atrocities, what she's seeing is a parade of people who are celebrating America and talking about how their lives have improved during the Trump administration. People of all races and backgrounds who want nothing to do with the socialist fantasies of the Left, and are citing their own life stories as proof that the American Dream is actually a lot more than just a dream. It's a reality, and a path to achievement for everyone which exists nowhere else in the world.

It would be very easy to simply vote against the Democrats and everything they stand for. And I'd do it in a heartbeat. But the RNC convention reminds us that we're fortunate enough to actually vote FOR something this time around. Something noble, inspirational, and worth preserving.

Whether or not someone loves Trump isn't really the main question for voters this November. It's whether they love America - her ideals, her Constitution, her freedoms, and her opportunities for all. That's what's on the line. And should the Left win, their reign will be a much greater pain in the rear end than that suffered by the poor guy in today's cartoon.

Big Bang Theories

Astrophysicists tell us that there is absolutely nothing in the universe which sucks more powerfully than a black hole...with the exception of the whole damn year of 2020. So it's not surprising that these same scientists are now predicting that an asteroid known as 2018VP1 may slam into the Earth on November 2nd, just one day before the presidential election.

Reactions to this potentially earth-shattering news are streaming in from every quarter...

• Donald Trump: "Asteroids are not all bad! Not all bad! Some have big diamonds in them that are, like, the size of grapefruits. Or maybe a pomelo, you'd have to ask the scientists."

• Joe Biden: "I am proud to face this challenge, even though it is hard for me personally. I lost a lot of dinosaur friends to an asteroid."

• CNN: "This is a direct result of Trump's pervasive climate of violence."

• Andrew Cuomo: "I'll be in a shelter which I'm padding with layers of people from nursing homes."

• Antifa: "Burning cities? Broken windows? Panic in the streets? Sounds like a win!"

• Dr. Anthony Fauci: "Masks will help. No, they won't. Yes, they will. No, they won't..."

• Wall Street: "Ding-ding-ding! The stock market is hitting new all-time highs!"

• Kamala Harris: "It's KAH-ma-la, damnit! KAH-ma-la!"

• Nancy Pelosi: "It's times like this I wish my face could move enough to scream."

• Every A**hole in Hollywood: "Would it help if we made bigger donations to Black Lives Matter?"

• Alexandria Old-Casio Keyboard: "Can't we just use, like, a lot of Preparation-H?"

Scientists have calculated that the hurtling asteroid has about a 1% chance of hitting the Earth and that it has a diameter just a little over 6 feet - making it smaller and likely less destructive than Bill de Blasio.

Tragically, this "Not Big Enough Bang" means that we're all still going to have to put up with the election and whatever fresh Hell the year has in store for us.

BONUS: RISING POLL

Three of a Kind

Readers- All is basically going well here, but still no time (and not much inclination) for me to delve into news and politics. So here are three more decades-old cartoons by my Dad. Enjoy!  -Stilton

Witch Glitch

Click cartoon for larger, more glorious size!

The only reason we don't think "candidate" Joe Biden is actually a motion-capture creation is because he exhibits so little motion and so few human traits. Seriously, why go to a lot of high-tech trouble to create an end product as boring and unconvincing as what we're seeing?

As for the Dem's virtual convention, we're happy to admit that we've only been subjected to a few short clips. Which is all we can take before that vein in our forehead starts pulsing like a frog's leg hooked to a Sears Diehard Battery. These are the worst people in the world, and we're saying that fully cognizant of the existence of serial killers, kiddy diddlers, and Rap artists.

Still, we've heard that the usual media poltroons are saying that Michelle Obama's speech was so spectacularly good that there is an actual possibility, still unconfirmed, that it brought George Floyd back from the grave. 

Of course, she's made previous convention appearances which also caught our attention...

FROM THE VAULT: CONVENTIONAL WISDUMB (7/27/2016)

The Democratic convention is in full swing which, through Herculean effort, we will not use as a set up for a joke involving nooses. Oh sure, it would be funny - but (to quote Richard Nixon) "it would be wrong, that's for sure."

Especially since one of the opening evening's speakers was Michelle Obama, the wife of our nation's first half-white black president, there to give a ringing endorsement to Hillary Clinton - the wife of our nation's first all-white black president.

Choosing, as ever, to take the high road, Michelle whined for the umpteenth time that she wakes up each day "in a house built by slaves" - which she apparently finds more upsetting than having her pricey wardrobe, dozens of personal "assistants," and luxury 5-star vacations paid for by today's wage slaves.

We're Having Crumb Fun Now

Much like Happy Hooligan, we're just trying (emphasis on trying) to relax a little today. All is fine within the weird and ever-changing definition of "fine" in 2020. See you in the comments section!

BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE...

LOOK! UP IN THE SKY! IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S...WAIT, WHAT?!

While watching a movie on Sunday afternoon ("The Firm," which is quite good even if you think Tom Cruise is an annoying dweeb) we kept hearing aircraft overhead. Which, after five or ten minutes, starts getting troubling. Is it a police aircraft looking for serial killers who escaped from a prison bus? An aircraft monitoring a "mostly peaceful" BLM/Antifa riot which is burning down our neighborhood? Has Amelia Earhart finally showed up?!

But no. When we checked outside, it was a small plane towing a banner. And this is what it said:

Yes, it's the "Chinese Texans for Trump," because why wouldn't it be? And we thank them for adding a surreal note to our day.

Okay, 2020, We Get The Joke Already

Thanks to medical science, Mrs. J will someday be able to wave again. Or at least give the finger.

It's getting a bit embarrassing to keep making blog posts about the fact that I can't really guarantee blog posts for awhile. And yet, here we are.

Recently, Mrs. J sustained a compression fracture in her spine which is not only painful in its own right, but also gave her a condition called "foot drop" which makes walking difficult, and greatly increases the risk of taking a fall. Which is, of course, exactly what happened on Wednesday afternoon. We were in the back yard planning some gardening chores when Mrs. J's foot snagged on an uneven service and she fell, hard, onto concrete.

This only days after receiving a diagnosis of severe osteoporosis, and a printout from the doctor saying "try to avoid falling." Which, to be fair, was topnotch advice.

At the Emergency Room, X-rays showed broken bones. Before splinting, Mrs. J was hooked up to the contraption above to slowly pull the bones back into alignment and, possibly, force her to reveal troop movements. Everything was then wrapped in bandages and her arm was put in a sling. Oddly, no pain meds were prescribed, which we're really puzzling over right now for all the wrong reasons. Damnit.

She was supposed to have the splint replaced by a cast today, but the orthopedic surgeon has decided to wait for a week to see if things are healing in a good way or not. Because "not" is what he's thinking, and the likelihood of surgery has been raised.

So this is sort of a rough time with a lot of forced changes in our daily lives, which makes it likely that I'll only post an actual cartoon if I get a "bolt of lightning" idea which is too good to waste. And that happens with a fair amount of frequency.

In any event, the blog will be here and I'll be here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, but things are going to be patchier than usual for awhile.

BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE...

We're absolutely in favor of responsible mask-wearing during the pandemic. Still, we had to laugh when Joe Biden, following his stern statement that if he were president he'd make mask-wearing mandatory, managed to cover his entire face just before wandering offstage.

Forget the White House - someone get this guy a white cane!

Punch Line

As massive recreational looting and violence continues in lawless hellholes like Chicago, Black Lives Matter "spokesperson-of-color-with-a-uterus," Ariel Atkins (seen above), has declared that the smash and grab thefts we're seeing are actually "reparations," and that "anything they wanted to take, they can take it because these businesses have insurance."

Which suggests that Ms. Atkins has no idea whatsoever how insurance works or who ends up paying for it, which should put her solidly in the running for Clueless Joe's vice-presidential nomination.

And speaking of Basement Biden (who is always below see-level), he recently made a huge "oops, I was being honest" gaffe in which he declared that Hispanics, totally unlike African Americans, were a "diverse" and non-monolithic group. Which makes this a good time to revisit the former VP's long, long, long history of saying insulting things to and about black Americans...

FROM THE HOPE N' CHANGE VAULT: OLD BLACK JOE (7/13/12)

After a grueling schedule of attending fundraisers with Hollywood celebrities and high-rolling donors, Barack Obama looked at his totally empty presidential schedule yesterday and decided to blow off meeting with a bunch of colored people at the NAACP...opting instead to send Joe Biden by telling the Vice President that he'd be addressing the NCAA.

Despite the NAACP's somewhat icy reception for presidential candidate Mitt Romney the previous day, Joe Biden quickly won the audience over by pointing off the stage and, suddenly adopting the vocal stylings of Stepin Fetchit, calling "Mousey - you out there? Hey Mouse! How ya doin', man?"

After that, Biden peered into the audience and identified Fat Albert, Old Weird Harold, Mushmouth, Mudfoot Brown, and Antonio "Huggy Bear" Fargas - none of whom were actually present - before returning to his scripted remarks about how much Joe Biden had personally learned from attending the church of Reverend Jeremiah "God-DAMN America" Wright.

Okay, we're joking about the shoutout to the Cosby Kids and Huggy Bear, but unfortunately Biden's praise for Reverend Wright was all too real - and all too well received.

But knowing that pasty Joe Biden wouldn't satisfy the NAACP crowd (indeed, almost no one showed up for Biden's speech), Barack Obama did send a short video message in which he told the assembled colored people that "I stand on your shoulders." And that huge weight may explain why the unemployment rate for black Americans has just risen to 14.4%... far higher than the rate for other demographic groups.

Frankly, Barack Obama is doing everything in his power to keep black Americans in forced poverty, deny their children decent educations, and reinforce their permanent dependence on Big Government.

He's not standing on their shoulders...he just has his boot on their necks.

BREAKING NEWS: AGING RACIST TEAMS WITH SKANKY WOMAN OF COLOR!

History was made Tuesday afternoon when Joe Biden's hand, resting limply on a Ouija Board planchette, was aggressively guided to a picture of Senator Kamala Harris - thereby making her the official Democrat candidate for vice president of the United States.

Of course, when drummed out of the actual presidential nomination process, Harris said it was because Democrats (those misogynistic racist bastards) just weren't ready to vote for a "strong woman of color" - a trend which we hope to see repeated in November.

She also wasn't shy about accusing Biden himself of a long, long history of racism...



While none of the finalists on Joe's potential VP list were any good, we have to admit in complete honesty that we find Ms. Harris the most odious of the lot. Even her nomination is a sad day for our nation.

Space Racists

Now that the exploration of space is safely in the hands of eccentric billionaires, the folks at NASA have plenty of time on their hands to work on more important things. Having presumably completed their Obama-era "primary mission" of Muslim Outreach (see below), the agency has announced that they are now moving on to eliminating "culturally insensitive" nicknames for objects in space which are "actively harmful" and are painful reminders of "the systemic discrimination and inequality" inherent in staring up at the night sky.

For starters, NASA will no longer make reference to the "Siamese Twins Galaxy," a name which refers to 1800s sideshow legends Chang and Eng Bunker, conjoined twins who were not only "stars" but actually pretty darn cool. Seriously, they went from poverty to great wealth, married two sisters, and fathered 21 children. Now there's a mental picture you can't un-see.

NASA will now be referring to the twin galaxies as NGC 4567 and NGC 4568, apparently unaware that it's highly inappropriate to describe galaxies using n-words. The agency is also banishing the name of the "Eskimo Nebula" lest it offend any parka-wearing indigenous people who live in igloos and subscribe to "Sky & Telescope Magazine."

All of which is a good start, but NASA clearly still has a long way to go. Should vegans still have to be offended by the word "meteor?" Must the lactose intolerant be repulsed by the "Milky Way?" Do we want observatories burned to the ground by those protesting the term "Black Hole?" And what the hell were the astronomers thinking when they came up with the name "Red Dwarf?" Seriously, why piss off a group of people who have no ability to punch you anywhere other than in the balls?

Should a telescope have an eyepiece instead of a more inclusive we-piece? Shouldn't an orbit's "eccentricity" simply be referred to non-judgmentally as a "choice?" And instead of combing the universe for intelligence, shouldn't NASA spend more time looking out there for feelings?

Finally, we'd like to suggest that NASA put a special priority on finding a new phrase to describe the variations in sunlight reflecting from the seventh planet.  Because even we're offended by "waxing Uranus"

FROM THE VAULT: July 6, 2010



NASA Administrator Charles Bolden has revealed that the "foremost" mission Barack Hussein Obama wants him to accomplish is to improve relations with the Muslim world.

Speaking to Al Jazeera on the one year anniversary of the president's trip to Cairo to praise Islam, Bolden said that the president charged him with several tasks...the foremost of which was "he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science and math and engineering."

The president seems to be forgetting that the culture's last historic contribution to aviation science was the discovery of how to fly to New York using only boxcutters.

Oh, Baby

AND NOW, RANDOM COMMENTS ON THE NEWS FROM SOMEONE BARELY PAYING ATTENTION

• Joe Biden says he doesn't intend to take any cognitive tests because he can tell "the difference between an elephant and a lion." Based on that argument alone, we agree that additional testing is unnecessary.

• Following a devastating explosion in Beirut caused by Ammonium Nitrate, Joe Biden has contacted Lebanon to promise them that, if he is elected president, he will commit US troops to invade Ammonia.

• As of this week, the ACLU has filed nearly 400 lawsuits against the Trump Administration. They have also filed suit against UCLA for having a name that is potentially confusing to dyslectic anarchists.

• Trendsetters are claiming that "pineapples are the new pumpkins" for carving Jack O'Lanterns. Apparently because pineapple growers, not satisfied with screwing up pizza, now also want to screw up Halloween.

• Michelle Obama reports that she is suffering from "low-grade depression" owing to coronavirus, racial strife, and Donald Trump. Stilton's Place has started a Go Fund Me (And The Horse I Rode In On) page where donors can contribute toward a $15 goal to buy the former first lady a jug of Clan MacGregor and a tasteful STFU card.

• On Thursday, survivors of the Hiroshima atomic bomb blast gathered to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the event, which reminded us of two things: this old post from 2016, and what a complete POS Barack Obama is. No wonder Michelle is depressed...

Their tiny tanks never stood a chance.

Yesterday, Barack Obama confirmed plans to be the first sitting president to visit Hiroshima while wearing lead-shielded underpants.

His purpose is, by wild coincidence, to tell the world how awful nuclear proliferation is (except, say, in Iran) but he reportedly has no plans to specifically apologize for the bombs which ended World War II with impressive finality.

Still, his visit is seen internationally as an acknowledgment that America once did a very, very mean thing and, now that many young Americans have no freaking sense whatsoever of history, we feel just awful about it. Come here, Hiroshima - you need a hug!

By the way, as long as we've mentioned people being increasingly clueless about history, the link above goes to a story in US News & World Report which reports that we dropped a hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.  Which was a pretty good trick, considering that the first hydrogen bomb (1000 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb) was test-detonated seven years later in 1952.

But hey, why let little things like empirical facts and actual history spoil a story about what assholes we were back in the 1940s? And for that matter, why should those realities deter Barack Obama from his latest strident stop on the seemingly unending "blame America first" tour?

Oh, Chute

Remember me mentioning that I might be making minimal posts from time to time? This is one of those times! And please know that all is well - really! - other than in a time management sense. As some scholar once said: "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

But rather than leave this page empty, I'm sharing another ancient cartoon drawn by my Dad, from whom I inherited an appreciation for dark humor. Hopefully you'll enjoy it too!

There's Nothing Like a Damien

Proving once again that she has way, way too much time on her hands, Alexandria Ontario-Canadez is now complaining that a US Capitol Building statue of Father Damien, a Catholic priest who devoted his life to caring for the wretched residents of a leper colony in Hawaii before contracting and dying of the illness himself, represents "patriarchy and white supremacist culture."

The fact that Father Damien was a racist asshole no doubt comes as a shock to the Catholic church, which made him a saint, as well as to Hawaiian historians who are aware that Hawaii's Princess Lili'uokalani visited the leper colony on Molokai to personally honor the selfless priest. In 2009, then-governor of Hawaii Linda Lingle proclaimed October 11 to be Saint Damien Day, to celebrate a man who "remains a spiritual hero and an icon of love, compassion, courage, humility and humanitarian service."

None of which, in AOC's unforgiving eyes, excuses him for being white.

NAME GAME

Joe "Who's Joe Biden?" Biden will reportedly name his choice for a VP candidate sometime this week. Or maybe next week.

Okay, the timetable is fuzzy but he's got a reminder written in bold, block letters on a Post-it note so it will definitely happen pretty soon. Probably.

Insider speculation is that his choice is most likely to be Senator Kamala Harris. Insider speculation is also that the announcement has been delayed because he keeps mistakenly calling her "cameltoe."

UPRIGHT POSITION

According to newly-released documents, Bill Clinton did indeed spend time on Jeffrey Epstein's so-called "Pedophile Island" in the company of "young girls."

The former president, fabled hound dog, and pathological liar has adamantly denied any wrongdoing, shaking his stink-finger for emphasis. According to unconfirmed sources, Slick Willy has said "If I ever was on the island, and I'm not saying I was, it would have been because of my  well-documented interest in gardening." When pressed to be more specific, Clinton replied "deflowering."