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Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Bum's Rush

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, seattle, heroin, drugs, anal

In this miserable year, it takes a real effort to find good news worth reporting - but thankfully we've found just such a story!

To cope with the epidemic of biohazardous needles littering Seattle's sidewalks, the city has now initiated a program to popularize the practice of "Booty Bumping," in which heroin enters the body by way of the asshole (and in Seattle, there are plenty of them). To facilitate this practice, the city is giving away the necessary equipment (basically a rubber squeeze bulb of the sort used to suction mucus from a baby's nose which, for all we know, is also some kind of perverse turn-on in Seattle).

"But," say the heroin addicts, "won't shoving heroin up my ass look undignified? What's in it for me?" And the answer, according to local Democrats, is "plenty!" Their distribution materials point out that users can get a bigger and quicker rush from heroin when it's delivered via the Hershey Highway, that there's less risk of needle-transmitted disease, and the process is better for the addict's skin in that it doesn't leave unsightly track marks on their arms. Track marks in their Fruit of the Looms is apparently less of a consideration.

While heartless conservative types might want to help the addicts actually get off drugs and off the streets, the Democrats have chosen another path (so to speak) which we can actually get behind (oops, sorry). In fact, now that the Democrats run everything in the country, we applaud solving social issues by adopting a "shove it up your ass" attitude. Perhaps the healing really has begun.

(Editorial Note / Correction: In an earlier version of this story we said this was happening in San Francisco rather than Seattle. We apologize for our mistake, and will henceforth only take Clan MacGregor orally.)

A COLA DAY IN HELL

By now we've all heard about the anti-racist training being forced on employees of Coca-Cola (and most other major companies).  And while this training is very specific about all Caucasians being genetically aggressive, arrogant, ignorant, tribal, and cursed with undersized genitalia, the recommendations for helping these pale miscreants find spiritual and cultural redemption are a bit more vague.  But we're here to help!

Thanks to a quick Internet search (which, according to Joe Biden, our brothers and sisters of color can't quite figure out how to do) we've found a video which will allow you to take the woke advice of Coca-Cola and "try to be Les White"...

Monday, February 22, 2021

Iran Rap

First, the headlines...

Now that Joe "There Is No Vaccine" Biden has firmly established that his administration is really Obama's third term on LSD-laced steroids, we're seeing a lot of old policy failures being reanimated as shiny new policy failures.  A particular case in point is Iran, and Biden's current outreach to eliminate Trump-era sanctions on the demonic nation, facilitate their ability to buy advanced weapons (frequently with our money), and the proposal of a bold new offer to wear double surgical masks over our eyes so we can't monitor Iran's accelerating nuclear weapons program.

So as long as Biden is recycling policy, we can damn well recycle what we said about it the first time around...

July 15, 2015

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, iran, deal, israel, terror, nuclear
Another big f*cking deal, right Mr. Biden?

Barack Hussein Obama took to the airwaves early Tuesday morning to announce that our years of tough, hardball negotiations with Iran have finally paid off in a deal which forces the "Death to America, Death to Israel" terrorism-exporting, always-lying nation to not only pinky-swear that they will stop developing nuclear weapons, but - at the insistence of John "Swiftboat" Kerry - also cross their hearts not to cheat this time.

In return for all this impressive promising, Obama's tough deal has given the Iranians very, very little. All we have to do is remove all economic sanctions from Iran, immediately ship them tens of billions of dollars, allow them to keep feverishly spinning and enriching nuclear materials in their cyclotrons, supply them with additional and more sophisticated cyclotrons, and allow them to continue development of ballistic missiles and weapons systems.

Oh yeah, we also have agreed to let them work on their nuclear hobbies pretty much wherever they want without fear of sudden unwanted inspections, allow them to keep supporting and exporting worldwide terror and calling for the destruction of the U.S. and Israel. Finally, and most importantly,  the United States was required to set up "a really bitching public address system" in Tehran from which Martha & The Vandellas "Dancing in the Streets" is even now playing on an endless loop for the jubilant Iranian people.

Unsurprisingly, our now-former allies in Israel are less enthusiastic about the deal, with one official saying it represents "a historic surrender by the West to the axis of evil headed by Iran."

In response, Obama has assured Israel that "if you like your existence on the map, you can keep it. Period. Case closed!"

There is still at least a possibility that Congress will be able to kill the deal, although the president warns that he will veto any such move. A stance much tougher than any he took with Iran.

But then, the president and Congress aren't on the same side.

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, iran, deal, israel, terror, nuclear
Hey, as long as it's between consenting countries it's cool - right?

BONUS: From The HnC Vault...

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, iran, deal, israel, terror, nuclear, nuculure, bush
Hey, wait a minute...

Friday, February 19, 2021

Thank You, Rush

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Rush Limbaugh, excellence in broadcasting, death, obituary, hero, radio, rush
Talent on loan from God, paid back with interest

Rush Limbaugh is gone. And if there are sadder words to write, I certainly can't think of them at the moment.  Rush was a personal hero of mine, and we'd listened to his show for so many years that he really felt more like family than a radio personality. His presence in our home on weekdays was simply a given, albeit never taken for granted - especially during his final year of broadcasting while waging a tremendous battle against an unbeatable health condition.

When I heard Rush Limbaugh's show for the first time, I wasn't a conservative - I was a political idiot and too dumb to even know it. I more or less believed that Democrats were good (hey, they're against lynchings!), Republicans were bad (they only serve rich people!), and all else was unnecessary detail. With that level of ignorance, I would never listen to a radio show about politics - but fortunately, I turned in for a different reason.

I'd heard that this "Rush Limbaugh" fellow was something of a radio wild man - a "shock jock" agitator and lunatic who made people crazy (rather like broadcaster Joe Pyne and his ilk, who provoked guests into screaming matches). So I turned on the program expecting a complete freakshow...and found something entirely different. Limbaugh was funny! And smart! And the things he was saying didn't inflame me - they made sense. And the more he spoke, the more I cared...and the more I realized that it was important to care, and not to be an unthinking tool of the political/media spin machines.

More than any other individual, Rush Limbaugh is responsible for shaping my worldview and appreciation of genuine conservatism and Constitutionalism. Without Rush, this blog would have never existed.

Using logic, wit, and unmatchable broadcast skills, Rush brought millions of people back to classic American moral virtues over the course of 30 years. He united us and reminded us of the power for good we can wield as a group. And most importantly, he gave us hope - every day, no matter what. Circumstances both political and personal threw seemingly insurmountable challenges his way, and he not only carried on but did so with strength, optimism, humor, and an infectious faith that things would eventually go our way.

Rush Limbaugh will never be replaced - some shoes are too big to fill, and that "golden microphone" gleamed not because of its color, but because of the voice it transmitted. Happily, Rush changed the landscape of conservative broadcasting (he arguably created it) and so the void he leaves will be filled with other voices rather than silence.

Rush will be desperately missed, but the many lessons he taught me about politics and life will carry on. And for that, I'm truly and deeply thankful.

MANY ARE COLD BUT FEW ARE FROZEN

The year 2021 is still showing outstanding initiative when it comes to being a complete pain in the rear end. On a personal level, the latest affront was the Great Texas Freeze and the unsurprising discovery that the Green New Deal (now known as the Gangrene New Deal) will be a really, really effective means to kill people.

For multiple reasons - but primarily the near 100% failure of electricity-generating wind turbines in Texas, followed closely by the closure of many coal-fired generators - a freakish polar vortex knocked Texans for a loop as our power grid went down.

Here at Jarlsberg Manor, we lost power at just after 2 AM on Sunday night/Monday morning. And it got cold in the house fast. This kicked off three days (and long, long nights) of "rolling blackouts" which sometimes consisted of 8 or 9 hours with no power, followed by a half hour of electricity with which to raise the ambient temperature by about 5 degrees before being plunged back into darkness and arctic cold.

The Jarlsberg family coped by wearing layers upon layers of clothing and swaddling ourselves in blankets and, whenever available, dogs. For some reason, our gas fireplace sucks more warmth out of the room and up the chimney than it returns - so that was out. Our one source of heat was a small propane heater which would glow for six hours on a one-pound propane tank. And the heater was rated for indoor use (and used with caution bordering on paranoia), though also cautioned "may create carbon monoxide which is odorless and colorless and will not only kill you but make your neighbors mutter about what a stupid way you chose to die."

Adapting to the unpredictable rhythms of brief electrical service, we kept a large pan of hearty soup on the electric stove, and fresh grounds in the coffee pot. At the first "queep!" of electrical activity, we'd scramble to get things cooking and brewing. First pot of hot coffee went into a thermos, and hopefully we could squeeze out a second for immediate consumption. 

Even for the brief periods we had electricity, our Internet, cable TV, and landline phone service were out (it turns out that the repeated power outages destroyed some component common to all three services). We had radio, but didn't listen that often; we knew things weren't going to warm up for days, and we were already depressed enough without getting more news of the world.

Eventually, the periods with electricity grew longer and more frequent (yay!) and as of Thursday morning our other services were restored. Not that we're completely out of the woods; owing to so many pipes bursting in local homes (not ours so far), there's an extreme water shortage in our area. We've been told "no showers, no laundry, no dishwashing, no "trickle of water to prevent pipe damage," and so on. Being community-minded, we're doing our bit by making our scotch and waters out of scotch and scotch. And yes, we KNOW we could use snow, but where's the fun in that?!

In all seriousness, the experiences of the past few days will be something for us to reflect on for a while. It's surprisingly focusing to be freezing in your home, in the dark, cut off from communications with the outside world. Which, considering the "outside world" in 2021, was at least a minor blessing.

Monday, February 15, 2021

I'm With Cupid

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, valentine's day, heart, hard on

OKAY, NOW THE HEALING CAN BEGIN

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RIGHT UP YOUR ALLY

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The Biden administration is so busy effing things up that it's hard to keep track of them all, but special attention deserves to be called to their refusal to acknowledge Israel as an American ally. And this slight is a lot more than just words (which would be anti-semantic) because Biden still hasn't even placed a phone call to Benjamin Netanyahu to establish, or even acknowledge, a working relationship.

We're not sure, but we suspect that Biden's goal is to sabotage peace in the Middle East just to keep Trump from winning that Nobel Peace Prize.

SCHOOL DAZE

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, teachers unions, covid, schools

When Joe Biden promised to "follow the science" regarding school reopenings in the pandemic era, we should have realized he was talking about political science rather than good old fashioned science-science. Which is why he's ignoring the CDC's latest pronouncement that schools can and should be reopened safely, and instead is basing his "keep 'em closed" policy on the Teachers Unions' compelling argument that "actual work is for losers who don't make massive contributions to the Democrats."

And although Biden had promised to reopen schools as soon as the science-science allowed, Jen Psaki has now clarified that he defines successful "opening" as 50% of schools offering one day of in-class teaching a week. Considering that the numbers were already slightly better than that, it's a low bar that even Basement Biden can clear.

FROM THE PRESIDENT'S DAY VAULT: TRY THE CROW

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Clinton, presidents day

Friday, February 12, 2021

Hot Topic

No good dystopia can exist without suppression of information. Although frankly, there's not much difference between information being suppressed or simply making people too dumb to understand that information. Hence the importance of...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, fahrenheit 451, censorship, neo-fascists, democrats
Game, set, and matches.

RESISTANCE IS FRUGAL

"I think he said something about Clan MacGregor..."
These are challenging financial times, and not everyone who wants to be a glamorous member of the Top Secret Constitutionalist Resistance can afford a shortwave radio, a beret, and a trapdoor into a secret basement hideout. Fortunately, it won't cost you a darn thing (not even a new one-hundred dollar bill with Kamala Harris's picture) to grab the real history of the past 12 years before the Liberazis erase it all. Download the easy-to-read PDF files (they're large - about 500mb and 350mb) and enjoy them on your computer, your phone or tablet device, or store them on a thumb drive for future generations of patriots!

8 years of Hope n' Change Cartoons: click this link to download

4 years of Stilton's Place: click this link to download

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Frankly Speaking

As the saying goes, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." And so, hoping to instill some sense of the past to the airheads currently running rampant in America, we present...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, anne frank, attic, neo-fascists, democrats

BOOM TIMES

No emergency shelter can really be considered complete without a pantry full of hilarious, accurate, and forbidden news items from the past 12 years. Not only will this stockpile keep you in good health and good spirits while underground, it can also help shape the structure of whatever future society evolves after the current chaos. It's all yours absolutely free, and we encourage you to share with anyone else who you think deserves long-term survival and sanity!

8 years of Hope n' Change Cartoons: click this link to download

4 years of Stilton's Place: click this link to download

Monday, February 8, 2021

Book 'Em, Lucy!

While Stilton is taking a short hiatus and wearing Groucho glasses in an undisclosed country with no extradition treaty, please welcome our special hostess for an exciting new feature...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, 1984, fascism, democrats

AND REMEMBER...


For quite possibly a limited time only, you can still download free PDF archives of political truths and accurate history to hide from the authorities! These are large files (around 500mb and 350mb) filled with thousands of pages of commentary, cartoons, and (any day now) contraband. Act now!

8 years of Hope n' Change Cartoons: click this link to download

4 years of Stilton's Place: click this link to download

Friday, February 5, 2021

Brain Cleaner

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, reality czar, new york times, AOC, alice in wonderland

Even the New York Times ("Catching Birdcage Droppings Since 1851") concedes that our nation is currently plagued by fake news. You know, nonsense like "there were election irregularities," or "Antifa and BLM caused billions of dollars of damage last summer," or "Hunter Biden's laptop contained a metric assload of incriminating evidence against his father, not to mention numerous pictures of drug use and kinky-to-the-point-of-illegality sexual hijinks." 

Indeed, it was the NY Times which helpfully pointed out that the alleged "laptop" was just a figment of Russian imagination, and that there is no such person as Hunter Biden and hey look over there, an insurrectionist squirrel!

But while many people complain about fake news, only the NY Times has the chutzpah to demand a remedy for this scourge. And their remedy is this: "The Biden administration (needs) to put together a cross-agency task force to tackle disinformation and domestic extremism, which would be led by something like a "reality czar."

Theoretically, this Reality Czar could look at conflicting "news" stories and decide which should be allowed to circulate, and which should have their authors shot. For instance, AOC has breathlessly told and retold the story of how she was nearly killed by a screaming mob of Ted Cruz-directed murderers during the Great Washington Trump-Inspired Insurrection of 2021, while more conservative (and thus less trustworthy) news outlets are reporting that she wasn't even in the damn building.

This is where a Reality Czar could step in and make sure that no one ever hears anything that makes progressives look bad, no matter how well documented. There would be no more confusion about what news is or isn't true because, by government mandate, anything you're allowed to hear would be "true."

Or at least true enough to be useful to the powers-that-be.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, reality czar, new york times, AOC, alice in wonderland
To quote Alice, "Eat Me."
BONUS: GO TO TIME OUT, YOUNG MAN!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, staycation, weeking off
Now we know how justice went blind
Stilton, here! Barring any bigger than usual disasters in the news (what are the odds?), I'll be taking next week off to rest, recuperate, and catch up on car repairs, dryer vent cleaning, Covid vaccinations, veterinary visits, doctor visits, carpal tunnel recuperation, berating the damn cable company for removing TCM from my channel list, taking down the last of the Christmas lights, practicing meditation without screaming, spelunking in the dark and forbidding "closet of things that never get used anymore" to find Goodwill donations, changing out a dripping bidet (AKA "The Ass Blaster"), and several dozen other chores which have gone ignored since the tragic events of last Election Day.

Mostly, somewhat related to the "reality czar" story above, I want to take a few days to reassess just what the hell reality even is anymore, and reflect on how I can best interact with this strange new world while also keeping my liver and a tiny bit of sanity intact.

Odds are I'll post some little something just to keep the comments section open for you, but other than that, I'll be on a short staycation!

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Humped Day

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, o caption my caption, ladybug, kenmore, camry

Yeah, we weren't really feeling the whole "comment on the unending tsunami of horrible news" thing today, which is why we're posting our semi-frequent Hail Mary feature, "O Caption, My Caption." Something which may be happening quite a bit now that avoiding the news is an important factor for mental health.

But why, you may ask, is Busty Ross presenting the cartoon? It's because no matter how lame the reason for her appearance, Ms. Ross makes every day a little better - and don't we all need that right now?

In other less-than-exciting news:

• The Jarlsberg family pitbull, terrifyingly named "Ladybug," apparently needs a surgical procedure to repair an ACL injury in her back leg. The procedure involves cutting out part of a bone, then mending it with a steel plate and six screws. All of which is simply a preamble to this statement: how badass is a pitbull with a steel plate in her?!

• Mr. and Mrs. Jarlsberg will be getting their first vaccine shots this week (on Thursday and Friday) and hopefully will suffer no untoward consequences. Absolutely nothing has been said by authorities about showing up for the shots cold sober, so it's nice to have options.

• After months of social isolation, the Jarlsberg family is pleased to announce that on Wednesday afternoon they are hosting a small reception for The Dryer Repair Guy, followed by a viewing of the currently disabled Kenmore that's been tumbling the Jarlsbergs' undergarments since 1985.

• Yesterday, the Jarlsbergs' Toyota Camry, which is old but not as old as the ancient Kenmore dryer, spontaneously started blowing smoke out from under the hood, adding considerable excitement to an otherwise unremarkable outing. Although no official diagnosis has been made, all signs point to "it's just more fricking 2021."

Monday, February 1, 2021

Throwing Shade

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, domestic terrorists, media, lies, Biden
Meet your new camp counselor

Rhetoric from the Left is getting uncomfortably "final solution-ish" lately. Which isn't surprising considering that most media outlets are now literally claiming that anyone who doesn't like Biden is a domestic terrorist.  Oh sure, you can try to convince your liberal friends (assuming you still have any) that you're nothing of the sort, but why should they believe anything a domestic terrorist says?! That's Logic 101, folks!

Of course, part of the problem may relate to the fact that the deeply divided factions in our nation can't even agree on what "terror" is anymore...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, BLM, Nobel Peace Prize, Violence, Black History Month

Frankly, in the event of a win, we're really hoping that BLM can send a large contingent of "mostly peaceful" representatives to Oslo to accept the prestigious award, set fires, and loot stores as a show of international goodwill. And to help that happen, we're more than willing to donate funds to pay for their one-way flight tickets. Heck, we'll even throw in a few extra bucks so they can buy those little bottles of booze on the airline so they can show up at the ceremony with teeny-tiny molotov cocktails.

But despite all of the rotten news lately (and we haven't even scratched the surface here), there is at least one legitimate reason for all of us to celebrate...

According to White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki, masks aren't needed when celebrating

Friday, January 29, 2021

Pulp Nonfiction

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, gestapo, first amendment, archives, download, pulp fiction, truth wars
Granted, if you hide it in your butt you'll be Walken funny...
So this is where we are now. Big tech companies are making conservative voices disappear, Democrats in Washington are advocating for combat-trained military personnel to go after Trump supporters, and some guy who didn't like Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election is now in jail - and may get ten years in the slammer - for posting memes.

All of which makes it possible that this blog and its progenitor might just disappear at any moment, along with your erstwhile host. We hope that it isn't likely, but there's no way we can definitively say that it's impossible now that we're all living under de facto Democrat martial law and the codification of Thought Police.

Which is why we've backed up everything and want to share it with you, right here, right now - so there's at least a chance that an accurate (and funny!) historical record can survive whatever fresh Hell we're in for.

To get a lovely PDF file of all of the "Hope n' Change" blog, just click this link and the file will download. Note: it's about 500 MB, so it may take take awhile. Hey, eight years of cartoons and commentary takes a lot of space!

To get an all-encompassing PDF file of "Stilton's Place," just click this link and the file will download (about 350 MB).

The PDFs, containing thousands of pages and cartoons, should work on any computer system and are fun to read, fun to copy, and fun to share with as many people as possible. We'll note, however, that the formatting is sometimes a bit odd. It's our intent to clean things up and also make smaller volumes - but with the clock potentially ticking, it seemed like a good idea to get these versions out as soon as possible, rough edges and all.

This also seems like a good time to remind everyone to get on the mailing list (just click the box in the left column) so we can stay in touch in case the First Amendment goes up in flames (it's already smoldering).

And we should emphasize that there's no reason you have to put these archives on a USB drive that is hidden in your ass, but if you do, there's a good chance that it will never be discovered by the New Gestapo. Unless you're searched by Pete Buttigieg.

UPDATE: The second link has been updated because of a completely non-suspicious problem.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Embarrassing Admission



Joe Biden is still happily signing any piece of paper which lands on his desk, in return for which Susan Rice slips tasty kibble rewards into his mouth. Uncle Joe's latest penmanship project involved signing four executive actions aimed at "advancing racial equity," which sounds vaguely swell and not at all like the kind of thing that will cause more racial discord by unfairly treating people differently.

Among the orders is one which seeks to combat discrimination against Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders which theoretically has skyrocketed owing to President Trump (that Nazi bastard) referring to "the China virus" in his pandemic updates. Which, apparently, KKK members are using as an excuse to get snide with Hawaiians or something. 

Or maybe not- frankly, we haven't seen any news stories about actual coronavirus-inspired prejudice against People Of Golden Color. And indeed, in Biden's executive order much of the initiative (and funding) will go into looking for that kind of discrimination...if it exists.

Unlike, say, the blatant anti-Asian discrimination practiced by top-tier (and universally liberal) American colleges who reject preposterously well-qualified applicants because they don't want "too many Asians" messing up their precious diversity goals.

After all, how can they - or we - ever achieve racial equity without, like Joe Biden, enthusiastically embracing racial discrimination?

MEANWHILE IN PANDEMIC NEWS...
 

FROM THE VAULT...

Joe Biden, who at his current pace of issuing executive orders will have nothing left to ruin by early Spring, has just issued another royal edict that the military must fling open its doors (including cryptically-labeled bathroom doors) to the transgendered, thereby eliminating President Trump's policy to the contrary which was based on actual science rather  than the desire to placate a political grievance group and (bonus!) further degrade military capability. All of which we explained perfectly clearly back in 2017...

TRANS MISSION PROBLEM (7/28/17)

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, transsexuals, military, tweet
This actually makes way more sense than the Left wants to admit.

Donald Trump has issued an unsubtle new policy decision on Twitter, which could pretty much be the opening line of every news story we're likely to see over the next four years.

In this case, he announced that transsexuals would no longer be allowed to join or serve in the military, and the Left is going out of its collective mind. This is hatred! Bigotry! Some kind of blatant sexism which is admittedly hard to define!

To which we say: baloney.

We're not going to get into debating whether or not transsexuals are good people or bad people, patriotic or not, or which latrine they should use - because none of that is germane to the argument. What is germane is whether or not transsexuals have medical conditions and special needs which are unduly burdensome when it comes to the military branches completing their missions. And the answer is: yes, they do.

This is the same rationale which keeps many, many others with chronic medical conditions out of the military. And we'll note that this does not keep motivated individuals from finding alternate ways to serve their country or communities.

Despite attempts to make this into a broader LGBT issue, it's worth noting that Trump hasn't banned gays or lesbians from service. He's not concerned about someone's sexual orientation, he's concerned about their physical ability to complete missions - including at times when their medical conditions can't be treated in the field, potentially putting others at risk.

The outrage we're hearing from the media strikes us as nothing more than a tempest in a teapot. Which is somewhat ironic considering it involves individuals who aren't sure if they've got a handle or a spout.

According to the Poopometer, we don't give one.

Monday, January 25, 2021

News Beaten

And now our top stories...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, jarlsberg gazette, biden, aaron, larry king, kamala

FROM THE VAULT

As the saying goes, "what's old is nude again." Or at least that's our take on Joe Biden's executive ordure which will force all female athletic competitions and programs to include males who identify as females. And if no biological female ever again gets a college sports scholarship, wins an athletic competition, or lands an Olympic slot, well, tough titty. In this case, literally. Points we thought we had made clear way back in 2015...

SONNY WITH A CHANCE OF SHOWERS (11/6/15)

Maybe so, but we doubt he's 99 and 44/100% pure
Quietly weeping mourners braved dark clouds and chill winds yesterday to attend the graveside services for Common Sense, which finally passed away this week after a long, painful, and ultimately hopeless battle with Liberalism.

The final blow was thought to be the Department of Education's ruling that a transgendered student who self-identifies as female but was born male and still has male genitalia, must be allowed to shower with the girls on the school soccer team.

To the school's credit, they had previously done everything possible to accommodate "the girl with something extra," including providing a privacy curtain for shower time. But that still wasn't acceptable to the student - who is apparently either an asshole or a bitch, depending on whether you believe gender is genetic or simply a choice.

Which is why the Department of Education conducted a taxpayer-funded two-year investigation into what should be done (and the Dems are whining about the length of the Benghazi hearings?!) before determining that the student was being discriminated against "on the basis of sex." Because, no doubt, they didn't want to say "on the basis of having a skin flute."

"All students deserve the opportunity to participate equally in school programs and activities - this is a basic civil right," said Assistant US Secretary Catherine Lhamon, adding "including showering with nubile young athletic women, their skin delightfully flushed from their exertions, and watching the sinuous streams of water course sensuously over their firm young breasts before racing down, down, down to disappear into the heady tangled forests surrounding their teammates' forbidden love grottos."

Okay, she didn't say that last part word for word, but we're pretty sure it was implied.

Hope n' Change isn't against reasonable accommodation of transgendered people, but that word "reasonable" needs to be emphasized. With a Louisville Slugger, if necessary. Which should also be the case when dealing with other ludicrously clear cases in which "self-identifying" doesn't make something true. And we don't just mean Rachel Dolezal's "blackness," Elizabeth Warren's claim to be "Native American," little Ahmed's timed detonator that identifies as a "clock," or B. Hussein's transparently ridiculous assertion that he self-identifies as a Christian.

For instance, a 12-year-old who "identifies" as an adult shouldn't get to buy booze. A 25-year-old who "identifies" as a senior citizen shouldn't be able to collect Social Security payments.  An 11-year-old girl who "identifies" as a grown woman shouldn't be able to be a consensual sex partner for a pedophile. Yet in our society, it seems increasingly likely that any and all of these things could come to pass.

If Common Sense was still with us, we think it would present us with an elegantly simple solution to the problems above: the requirement of a "No Dicks" sign outside girls shower rooms, and perhaps an identical one to tell the dicks in Washington to start solving problems instead of inventing them.

Friday, January 22, 2021

The Cheerful Monkey Wrench

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Readers- to give my hand (and psyche) a much-needed rest, I'm delighted to present a great guest column today from our own M. Mitchell Marmel! Take it away, Mitch...

THE CHEERFUL MONKEY WRENCH

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Okay, we've had a day or two of mourning. Now it's time to get down to business.

The naysayers aside, all hope is not lost. To quote the old cliché, “Where there is life, there is hope”. You can step outside today and notice that the world has not actually ended. The sun is still rising and setting, the air is breathable (for the most part), the food producers are still delivering milk, bread and eggs, and Clan MacGregor may still be purchased by the pint, quart, gallon and barrel.

So you've had a setback? Not your first, won't be your last. “Man is born to toil and sorrow,” or words to that effect.

So what can you do?

1) Turn their words against them. “Think globally, act locally.” You can fulminate about the swamp dwellers in seats of power all you like, but the hard, cold facts are that you, as an individual, have little to no effect on what actions they take (unless you LIKE dressing up in buffalo horns and swiping lecterns, which isn't ending well for that chap). So, make a difference in your neighborhood. Even something as small as picking up a piece of litter improves your immediate environment. It might not make much difference to the world at large, but it'll make YOU feel better.

2) Comfort the afflicted. Nothing gives you a lift more than giving a helping hand to those worse off than you are. I do volunteer work at a railroad museum, as that happens to be one of my interests, and watching the folks' eyes light up when they see the electric trains rolling... well, that's why I spend my time and treasure doing it.

3) Afflict the comfortable. It's fun annoying libs, which is one reason my home page on Faecesbook features “Stilton's Place” and similar material. Wanna know the fun part? The angry comments. I get, “Mitch, why do you keep POSTING this shit?” They just don't seem to realize that they've answered their own question.

4) Do not respond to anger with anger, as that's what they want. Back in the pre-Internet days, some of the dialup bulletin boards I frequented had something called “P.I.S.S.”, which stood for “Passively Ignoring Silent Strike”. Even before the Net, we knew feeding the trolls only encouraged them, and if PISS was declared on a user, that user was effectively sent to Coventry, which tended to shut them up quite nicely.

5) If they're going to be childish, be an adult. One thing I've found is that many liberals are essentially insecure, craving attention and affirmation. Deny that to them and they shrivel up and vanish.

6) Be prepared to throw a monkey wrench into the works. This DOES NOT mean go around looking for trouble, but, if an opportunity presents itself to stick it to the opposition, grab it with both hands. If Antifa leaves a pallet of bricks around for throwing, steal it and build that garden wall you've been wanting. Use your imagination.

7) Never pass up a chance to help another if you can. A few weeks back, I was exiting a pawn shop (looking for a used web cam, but that's another story) and noted a middle-aged couple trying to stuff a large dorm refrigerator into a small Asian car and not having much success. Well, this sort of thing is why I drive a Ford station wagon. Within minutes, we had the fridge in the back of my car and on route to the couple's house. To this day, I have no idea of their name, race, creed or political beliefs. All I know is that they have their refrigerator home, and that's the important part.

The most important part?

8) Be of good cheer.

Remember how sweet liberal tears taste? Well, they find your tears equally tasty. 

Make the bastards die of thirst. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Don't Fire Until You See The Whites

Well, here we are on the historically significant Last Day of Freedom in America, and gosh - hasn't it been fun? Seriously, we've had a great run and we'll all have some great memories. Memories only, though, because all of our written records and photos of the past will have to be turned over to the Bureau of Historical Accuracy for ecologically-sound destruction. 

It wasn't really our goal at Stilton's Place to present today's transition of power as apocalyptic, which is why we originally prepared this fairly innocent cartoon playfully jabbing the man we will never, ever personally call president...

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But then we started hearing more and more things about the upcoming Biden administration's plans, seeing  extremely troubling things in the streets, and hearing from politicians, celebrities, and liberal mouth-breathers that the time is right for fascism and retribution against those low-life flyover Constitution-clutching deplorables and cult members who have seen the American Dream as something more than just a Marxist nightmare.

So we upgraded the cartoon to more accurately reflect our feelings about this unhappy day...

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There's a long litany of reasons we're feeling so ramped up today. And rather than try to make a cohesive whole out of the entire mess, let us just share some random points:

• Our nation's capitol has been ringed with walls topped with razor wire, and 26,000 National Guard troops have been brought to Washington DC (from all 50 states - for the symbolism, don't you know) in order to shoot other Americans if they act like BLM or Antifa but are carrying American flags.

• Muriel Bowser, the mayor of Washington, DC who didn't want National Guard troops to quell BLM/Antifa's violent acts of insurrection all summer, just recently requested that the troops now stationed in her city be issued machine guns so that they could mow down more Americans. The National Guard told her that this would be inappropriate, but the whole incident certainly tells you where these bloodthirsty fascists' heads are at. 

• Fun trivia note: do you recall that in 2017, there was rioting, looting, arson, and injuries in the streets of Washington DC as people "protested" Trump's inauguration?  And celebrities telling crowds that they should march right over to the White House and set it ablaze? But that, of course, wasn't insurrection - it was just the liberals' standard use of Freedom of Screech.

• We would never have thought that a picture of the American flag could make us sick to our stomach, but we were wrong. This is that picture...


This is the national mall, where 200,000 American flags have been planted to symbolically represent all of the people who would like to show up and kneel before the new king, but can't because A) no one really gives a flying crap about Biden's inauguration and if they did B) the National Guard might shoot them out of an abundance of caution.

So now we've got an imaginary crowd of "supporters," which is actually a beautifully ironic depiction of the imaginary voters who made this day possible. So yeah...looking at this picture makes us want to hurl.

• Hillary Clinton has made the news by demanding a "9/11-style commission" to investigate whether Donald Trump was actively on the phone with Vladimir Putin, doing a play-by-play report of the Russian-backed insurrectionist riot which, terrifyingly, allowed a whackjob wearing clown paint and a buffalo horn helmet to joke around with a police officer in a largely empty Senate chamber room. That guy, by the way, is looking at 25 years in the slammer because, while he didn't actually do much of anything other than looking photogenic, a judge has decided his distinctive appearance made him a symbol of the (ahem) "insurrection," and the culprit therefore needs a very harsh sentence as a warning to the rabble.

• Remember the good old days when you'd never heard of Wuhan? Well, today may be the last day you hadn't heard of the city of Manaus in Brazil. They're currently drowning in Covid cases which appear to be a new mutation of the virus currently kicking the world's ass. This one is thought to be more contagious, more deadly, and doesn't appear to be deterred by any of our current generation of Covid vaccines. Fortunately, Biden has been claiming forever that he could have handled a viral pandemic better than Trump - and it looks like he may get the chance to prove it. (Spoiler alert: lockdowns galore!)

• An NPR lawyer got the boot when it was revealed that he thought Trump voters should have their kids taken away from them, after which the children would be raised in government re-education camps "with a lot of Sesame Street" to cleanse the children of their parents' sick beliefs. And yes, this is the same NPR that actually fired Fox News' Juan Williams for being a racist. So that's a pretty good indication of what radical screwballs are in charge over there.

• Katie Couric (soon to be a temporary Jeopardy! host who we hope will be universally boycotted) is seriously calling for mandatory "deprogramming" of people in the Trump "cult." Hint: if you're reading this blog, you're considered a cult member.  

• There are serious calls to take Fox News off the air, and it's no secret that big tech is gutting other means for conservatives to get anything like accurate news or have conversations with each other.

• Because this blog post is already running long, we'll summarize the fact that Joe Biden has already pretty much promised that in his "first 100 days" (if he lasts that long), he'll use executive powers to destroy every accomplishment of President Trump's that made America a success in the last four years. Energy policies which will kill our energy independence and send energy costs soaring, getting back in bed with Iran to help them build their "Death to America" nuclear missiles, opening our borders to millions upon millions more illegal immigrants (all of whom - citizens or not - deserve governmental representation when drawing up new Democratic districts for House seats), killing the Keystone XL pipeline for no rational reason at all, rejoining the Paris Climate Accord so that we will be compelled to cut down on our efficient energy use while China is free to stink up the world's atmosphere while building cheap crap to finish off the American economy. And more, and more, and more.

This is a singularly unhappy day (even if nothing untoward and/or staged happens to make things worse) which quite possibly marks the end of a lot of things and institutions we took for granted. Free and fair elections? Nope. A Constitutional basis for laws and protection of freedoms? Not after the Dems pack a hand-picked Supreme Court with as many members as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

So drink 'em if you got 'em, folks, and remember to fly your American flags upside down until things get better...if ever. And should we ever find ourselves in re-education camps, here's the code phrase we can use to recognize each other: "What I miss most in this gulag is a good piece of cheese - like a Stilton!" To this, you must answer "Say, that's my friend MacGregor's favorite cheese!"

IMPORTANT NOTE: If a hot Red Cross nurse delivering care packages shows up, and if she looks like Busty Ross, be sure to use the code phrase. That way you'll get one of the "special" boxes with escape contraband and a tiny little bottle of bad scotch.

WE NEED HUMOR! STAT!

Since all of the above is pretty depressing, we thought it only fair to close today with a nice stupid joke which has nothing to do with politics. This gag popped into our head after a lovely grilled steak lunch, and once an idea like that happens it's easiest to just cobble the darn thing together with clip art so we can then move on with the rest of our life. Hey, it's a system...

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MORE HUMOR! QUICK!

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BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY...

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Monday, January 18, 2021

Got MLK?

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Martin Luther King Jr once said that he had "been to the mountaintop." Were he still here today, we think he'd likely be thinking of jumping off of it.

We are within days of inaugurating a new whiter-than-white president who spent decades fighting against the kind of school integration which would create (in his words) a "racial jungle" for his children, hobnobbed with segregationists and KKK members, and still expresses slack-jawed wonder that a black man can be "articulate and clean."

And for good measure, we'll be swearing in (or at) a vice-president who not only called the next president a racist, but also said that the whole Democrat party was racist for not voting for her in the primaries. So the good news for Dr. King, we guess, is that in 2021 a lot of people have forgotten what the hell racism even is.

Of course, that's not all that people have forgotten. Joe Biden actually declared that Martin Luther King Jr's assassination wasn't as big a deal as George Floyd's death. Imagine the racial peace our nation could now be enjoying if only Dr. King had the foresight to knock himself off with a fentanyl overdose in 1968.

But maybe Joe Biden is right and Martin Luther King Jr's dream is no longer a good fit for today's world. After all, these days you damn well don't want to judge a person by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin. And Dr. King's message of non-violence has been actively discarded by BLM, as evidenced by 28 "not so mostly-peaceful" rioters in Detroit who just had all their charges dismissed by a black judge because, well, because he could.

Sadly, at this point it seems that the most enduring legacy of Martin Luther King is that there will be no mail today. Although on the bright side, that will at least slow the tsunami of perfectly legitimate absentee ballots still pouring in for Joe Biden.

Friday, January 15, 2021

Nationally Guarded

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Say what you will about the Democrats, but you definitely can't accuse them of being too rigid when it comes to policy. For instance, all summer we heard from Democrats that you definitely should never, ever send the National Guard into areas where demonstrations are likely to take place, because you'll only "inflame things" and increase the risk of violence. And nobody wants that, right?!

Still, the Dems have subsequently decided that it's a good idea to deploy 20,000 armed National Guard troops in Washington to help assure that the rabble neither speak up about President Trump's "Impeachment of the Week," nor do anything to disrupt the coronation of the Most Popular Presidential Candidate Who Ever Lived.

And while we certainly don't want to plant any unsettling conspiracy theories in the minds (and we use the term loosely) of Democrats, ask yourself this: could anyone really expect to overthrow the government using a small mob of yahoos wearing buffalo helmets, or would such a plan require about 20,000 trained, armed fighters who had sworn an oath to protect the Constitution? And if some clever strategist wanted those troops in Washington on January 20th, wouldn't it be clever to trick the Democrats into just asking for them to come?

But of course, this is very unlikely to be the case, and the Democrats definitely shouldn't worry about it. Much.

FROM THE VAULT

With the big tech companies cutting off services to conservative enterprises, many of us are now wondering if we should reconsider the usefulness of installing our data on private servers. This would keep things safe from prying eyes, and apparently it's easy enough to do that even a completely crooked elderly woman can handle it...

(3/6/15)

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When it comes to the Clintons, you never know which scandals will stick and which will miraculously disappear because of the deal they made with Satan when selling their tattered souls. That being said, Hillary's metastasizing email scandal seems to have the potential to derail her presidential aspirations - and perhaps incur criminal charges.

It seems that when Hillary became Secretary of State, she immediately set up a private email server in her home and conducted all of her official business (and quite likely monkey business) on that computer email system rather than the cyber-secure government system which is required by federal law.

After a two day silence on the subject, Hillary eventually tweeted that she really, truly wants America to see her emails, and State Department spokes-hipster Marie "Jobs For ISIS" Harf has confirmed that this will absolutely happen. You know, eventually.

The problem is, the State Department doesn't have (and never has had) all of Mrs. Clinton's emails - it only has the ones which Hillary's personal staffers chose to give them.

Apparently, a lot of people in high places (perhaps even a certain president?) were aware of and comfortable with this clear violation of law and (oh yeah!) putting classified communications at risk for the sole purpose of protecting Hillary's obsessive political aspirations.

Now that her private email system has been discovered, Hope n' Change would like to suggest that Mrs. Clinton go back and review the many unread messages in her spam folder.

Maybe that's where Ambassador Chris Stevens' requests for help in Benghazi ended up.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

The Right To Remain Silenced

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What with ideological purity tests heading our way (with judgment and sentencing to be dispensed by Amazon, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Citibank, and many more), this is a good time to be boning up on articles of Progressive catechism that you can use to bluff your way out of a firing squad (the only use of a wall that liberals actually approve of).

Because the things that liberals believe aren't necessarily logical, it's best just to memorize this stuff rather than trying to think about it when you're on the spot. For one thing, if you're caught "thinking" you're already screwed. So remember, when posing as a progressive:

• You sure as hell don't want impoverished black kids to have school choice, because that might put crappity-ass union teachers out of work. 

• You believe, even on Martin Luther King Day, that it is our duty to judge people on the basis of their skin rather than the content of their character.

• Everyone needs a free college education before landing a minimum-wage job that, by law, should pay enough to raise a family of six in exquisite comfort.

• Rich people didn't earn their money. And it's not even their money - it's yours! All of it! Also, the gold in their fillings!

• Using a second square of toilet paper will cause the end of the world.

• 12-year-olds should definitely get to vote. Or really, children of any age who can recognize the letter "D."

• Fossil fuels are bad because they come from dinosaurs WHO KILLED PEOPLE so it's pretty damn obvious that their fermented juice wants to kill us, too.

• Nobody actually knows their own gender or anyone else's. Don't ask, don't tell, don't assume, don't look, don't look away. If something wants to have sex with you, you're a bigot unless you say yes.

• Human fetuses are NOT people and NOT alive so they're technically okay for vegans to eat.

If you're asked any questions not covered by this list, just start to giggle and claim that your "mind is kinda blown because I just smoked some sweet, sweet weed," then invite your inquisitors to join you in a hunt for some bitchin' pizza or doughnuts or something. Odds are they'll go with you.

DOUBLE INDIGNITY

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In theory, today is the day that Nancy Pelosi and the House Dems will once again file articles of impeachment against Donald Trump. He is accused of causing riots, violence, and death by making incendiary political remarks which, being the tools long used by the Democrats (especially in 2020), represents a potentially significant copyright infringement.

While many Americans wonder what the Big Honkin' Deal is, what with President Trump clearly innocent of the named charges and already out the door in a few days, it turns out that there are little-known ramifications of a kind never before seen in American political history. Ramifications known only to Constitutional scholars and, in our case, day-drinkers.

Because if a President is impeached twice and convicted, his name and visage is to be stricken from all public records, and the original opposing candidate - Hillary Clinton, in this case - will be digitally inserted into the history books...

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Biden & Harris would still take office as scheduled (by the Chinese), but Mrs. Clinton would at least have an imaginary term on paper and in the digital cloud. And this would be a pretty sweet deal for Hillary who, besides becoming the first woman president, would also be able to take credit for a wildly revitalized economy, a term with no new wars, and such remarkable foreign policy successes that Nobel Peace Prize nominations have been stacking up.

President Hillary would also be heralded for having rebuilt the military, restored American jobs, and bringing unparalleled improvement to every metric of the lives of minorities and the working class. And when the going got tough when a pandemic hit, it was digitally-inserted Hillary who bravely and presciently shut down our nation's borders and instituted a vaccine-development program which would produce successful results on a timetable that every expert said would be impossible. All accomplishments that the Democrats will lustily cheer as historic successes for their party.

Yes, that Hillary Clinton was one hell of a virtual president alright. 

Monday, January 11, 2021

Thanks, 2021!

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Well THAT didn't take long

So here we are, at the dawn of (as the Chinese curse goes) an interesting time. Social media and big tech are coming down hard on Conservatives to make sure they can't continue using that dangerous "Freedom of Speech" thing, and there no longer seems to be any limit - any - on the Leftists' demands to remake our country to their liking. In fact, the only thing currently protecting Conservatives is the Left's inability to figure out how to send us all to the ovens without creating billowing clouds of polar bear-threatening carbon emissions.

And it's no wonder the Leftists are so angry, considering that the Constitution still (albeit temporarily) allows human monsters to write horrible things like this:

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So what does all of this mean for Stilton's Place? Frankly, we're not sure yet. While we hope it doesn't happen, it's entirely possible that this site (and its predecessor) could be made to disappear with the flick of a switch. 

So before that happens, make sure you've added your current contact information to our email list (just click on the giant words "CLICK HERE!" near the top of the left column. Or do it here, for that matter). Do this today. Right now. That way, we can still be in touch if things go sideways here in 1984-land. And your information is always 100% safe with us: we never spam, and we'll never, ever give up your information

And just so you know how serious we are about that, at all times we keep a small, tooth-colored pill concealed between our cheek and gums. Should we face brutal interrogation, we'll crack that pill with our teeth and then... Well, seeing as how the pill is just a Tic-Tac, our tormentors will get a forceful blast of peppermint-fresh breath as we tell them to get stuffed.

We're also archiving everything from Hope n' Change and Stilton's Place in convenient PDF form, and will soon be posting and/or emailing links where you can download ("for fwee," as Kamala might say) all 12 years of tasty conservative comedy and commentary to enjoy when you're quietly hiding in your attic from the Woke Gestapo.

And hey, even if they hear you laughing up there, they won't come up - they're scared of spiders.