Monday, December 31, 2018

2018 - The Year in Review (Part One)

2018 is nearly done, and few of us will be shedding bitter salt tears over its passing. It was a year which frequently lacked subtlety or rationality - seemingly the new norm in the hyperbolic, neon-colored, Thunderdome world of Donald Trump versus the Lunatic Left.


Donald Trump started the New Year's ball rolling by tweeting that he is "like, very smart and a stable genius," which is pretty much all it took for the Left to declare it prima facie evidence that the man is nuts. An opinion which they didn't change after what may or may not have been the President's questionable choice of words regarding certain third world countries...

In a closed meeting about special immigration protections for some populations, Trump allegedly asked "why do we want people from shithole countries?" Despite the fact that the quote couldn't be verified, Trump was vilified by the Dems as a racist (yawn), while others wondered "why do we want people from shithole countries?"

As it turns out, we'd want them to clean up the rubble in case the world was destroyed during a government shutdown...

Leave it to CNN to turn a boring government shutdown into a possible apocalypse. Which is exactly what they did with their preposterous claim that the "Government Shutdown Risks An Undetected Asteroid Strike."

Not that potential catastrophes were absolutely impossible...

Trump stated that he was willing to be put under oath to answer questions from Special Weasel Robert Mueller regarding Russian collusion, potential obstruction of justice, and the whereabouts of the kidnapped Lindberg baby. Happily, we'd make it to the end of the year without that happening. Meanwhile in...


We learned from Democratic operative Donna Brazile, who has miraculously not shot herself multiple times in the back of the head, that in the run-up to the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton literally bought the debt-ridden DNC in order to ensure that she would become the nominee, thus disenfranchising the young Democrat voters who overwhelmingly and enthusiastically supported Bernie "I'll Drop Out for a Lake House" Sanders.

Of course, Hillary wasn't the only politician finding questionable ways of spending money...

Trump caused renewed conniption fits by declaring that the United States would put on a giant, wildly-expensive military parade to show the world our awesome destructive capabilities and our talent for presenting entertaining, highly-choreographed events. Plans for the parade fell by the wayside when the President redirected his laser-like attention to playful squirrels on the White House lawn.

Which allowed the media to direct their attention to the squirrels who had previously occupied the White House...

Laughably awful official portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama were unveiled, with art critics swooning over the works solely because they were created by persons of color. Which should have been taken as a considerable insult to the many persons of color who - unlike these hacks - have actual artistic skills

And speaking of hacking, in mid-February we finally got an accounting of Russia's actual financial investment in (ahem) corrupting the 2016 election...

Despite the media's claim that Russian election interference was "a worse attack than Pearl Harbor," it turns out that Putin's evil army spent $46,000 on Facebook ads, compared to over $81 million spent on Facebook by Clinton and Trump. In other words, over 99.9% of campaign ads on Facebook weren't originated by Russia, making it pretty darn unlikely that Russia had any influence on the election's outcome whatsoever (and certainly less impact than Facebook's own anti-conservative bias). 

This apparently struck President Trump as good enough news for him to make a happy and hardly unexpected announcement...

Trump announced that he'd be running for President again in 2020. This set a new official record of early declaration for the office, but failed to surpass the unofficial record which was set when baby Hillary spoke her first words. 

Words were also on the mind of another former first lady...

Okay, it wasn't actually going to be a sex manual (apparently some asshole had already used the name "Obama Sutra" on a book), just a standard memoir which sold for an un-standard price: Michelle and Barry split $60 million for their respective book deals. And while their books might not be page-turners, the calendar pages predictably turned to...


The world was once again shocked, shocked, by an announcement from Donald Trump...

Trump agreed to meet with North Korea's leader, Kim Jung Un, to discuss the possible denuclearization of the nasty little dictatorship. Hilariously, serial liar and Obama insider (but we repeat ourselves) Susan Rice immediately came forward to suggest that, prior to the meeting, Trump avail himself of the "expertise" which informed the Obama administration's feckless (and fecked up) policy of watching North Korea build increasingly powerful nukes.

Of course, Trump wasn't the only high profile politician working the international scene...

We didn't make up Hillary's wildly offensive statements above. This is what she was spewing in India while promoting her book "What Happened," describing the millions of Americans who voted for Trump as hateful, misogynistic racists who would actually have to improve to be deplorables. 

Not that those on the Left hated those who were actually deplorable...

Aging porn star Stormy "Sperm Bank" Daniels was interviewed on 60 minutes about her nightmarish experience of having consensual sex with a man who gave her a six-figure paycheck to keep her mouth shut, after which she realized, heartbreakingly, that she could likely get seven figures for blabbing. Oddly, the simple act of a whore raising her price made her a feminist hero.

And while on the topic of people who don't take human reproduction seriously enough...

While in Japan, Barack Obama said that he'd like to spend his post-presidency life mastering (or some word that sounds similar) the skills to "create a hundred or a thousand or a million young Barack Obamas," and that this terrifying new race "could take the baton in that relay race that is human progress." Yes, he actually played the relay race card.

But even the notion of a million fetal versions of Barack Obama couldn't quite make us supportive of the ghouls at Planned Parenthood...

Giddy from getting 500 million taxpayer dollars in the "Omnibus Funding Bill," a Pennsylvania branch of Planned Parenthood came up with this bold initiative to make their services more appealing to very young girls who weren't aborted.

And that wasn't the only entertainment related news...

After striking development deals with Barack and Michelle Obama, streaming giant Netflix made Susan "Bald-Faced Liar and Accessory to Murder" Rice a member of their board of directors owing to her "great expertise" with foreign policy. The company would subsequently go on to lose over one third of its stock market value, decimating the retirement portfolio of America's best-loved (and least known) political cartoonist.

Although there would at least be a bit of comic relief coming up in...


Actually, we don't need to give any additional explanation to that cartoon, do we? Rather, we should save our wits for trying to decipher other mysteries...

Disgraced former FBI director and serial-leaker James Comey announced a publication date for his tell-all book, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership." The book was a compilation of insights by a man who couldn't find dirt on Hillary, a stunt that even Helen Keller couldn't pull off despite being blind, deaf, and dead.

That's a combination of conditions that the rest of us might envy, considering we still had to put up with nonsense like this in...


Actually, Michelle, there's a new and immeasurably better First Lady in town. Not that she has ever been shown the proper respect...

Melania Trump was gracious, elegant, and compelling when giving an anti-bullying speech, but Progressives attacked the world traveling, multi-lingual First Lady for having a "funny accent" and not "sounding like an American." This from the same people who have helped flood our nation with so many illegals that we now have to punch buttons on our phones just to continue a conversation in English.

And of course, there had been no such criticism of Hillary "I Always Carry Hot Sauce!" Clinton when she'd previously had a sudden attack of "Amos-and-Andyitis" when addressing a group of African Americans.

But that didn't mean that race was no longer a sensitive subject...

The glasses make all the difference.
Following Roseanne Barr's career-ending tweet, everyone resolved to use much more civil language in...


Well, that didn't last long! After all the hoo-haw from the Left about it being totally unacceptable to even jokingly use derisory language to describe a woman, alleged comedian Samantha Bee took to the airwaves to declare that "Ivanka Trump is a feckless cunt." After which, withered miniature actress Sally Field tweeted her disagreement with Ms. Bee because "cunts are powerful, beautiful, nurturing and honest." Making us think that the onetime Flying Nun likely experienced a few too many crash landings without a helmet.

So, too, did our hopes crash when hearing the results of the DOJ Inspector General's report on James Comey...

The report called Comey's actions in Hillary Clinton's alleged investigation "extraordinary and insubordinate," and added that various FBI agents assigned to the case were actively working to "stop Trump," but suggested no charges for anyone involved because, as Comey said of Hillary, no harm was intended.

Which pretty much made it official that America has no instrumentality for acting against a slow motion coups attempt staged by our intelligence agencies.

But that wasn't going to be the month's biggest blow to our nation's actual intelligence...

Dr. Charles Krauthammer died from a recurrence of cancer. An author and Fox News contributor, Krauthammer's wit, wisdom, encyclopedic knowledge, and stunning gifts of insight and analysis were (and are) desperately needed in these chaotic times.

Besides his remarkable academic gifts, Charles Krauthammer could make us laugh, loudly and frequently. And he radiated a strength and positivity about life, despite facing and overcoming enormous personal obstacles. His passing was a huge loss for our country, our culture, and to our lives at a time when actual reason and rationality were in demonstrably short supply...
After Sarah Huckabee Sanders was chased from a restaurant, Mad Maxine Waters joined the throngs of Democrats calling for organized violence against members of the Trump administration. It was Waters' contention that decent people shouldn't be expected to share their community, government, restaurants, or Democrats-only drinking fountains with those she considered sub-humans. A mindset which was once all the rage, literally, in parts of our country.

But fortunately, justice and righteousness got a shot at making a return when Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement, giving Donald Trump the opportunity to name a well-qualified potential successor...

Having none of those items, Barry Soetoro didn't get the nod for the job. But little did we know how much grief was about to occur regarding the actual nominee...

Join us Wednesday for 2018: The Year in Review (Part Two)!


Hosting a New Year's party tonight, or need a hostess gift for a party you're attending? Print this picture (click on it for a larger size), put it in a Dollar Store frame, and hang it on the wall (preferably over the bar).

See how many people figure out the New Year's significance of the (wait for it!) old Lang sign...

Friday, December 28, 2018

Week Minded

"It is a truth universally acknowledged," as Jane Austen once said, "that no one gets a damn thing done between Christmas and New Year's." That happens to be our opinion too, and you're seeing the results of it right now. Oh, we TRIED to come up with a fun topical cartoon and witty commentary, but at the moment the interior of our holiday-wracked skull is rather like a conch shell- filled only with the distant sound of breaking waves and a whiff of rotting fish.

Among the stories that couldn't quite get our pulse racing, the mainstream media raked President Trump over the coals for not giving our troops a holiday visit, after which it was revealed that he and the First Lady were visiting troops in a war zone, after which the media congratulated themselves for "shaming" him into it. It was subsequently revealed that the trip had been in the planning stage long before, at which point the mainstream media offered sincere apologies. Just kidding! They simply changed their stories to claim that they'd been complaining about Trump not visiting the troops for months and months, so their claims of shaming him into decency are still applicable. Which is why we think CNN and MSNBC should join forces in a new network called STFU.

The stock market might have made for an interesting post if we, or anyone else, could figure out what the hell it's actually doing. On Christmas Eve, the market took another huge nosedive. The day after Christmas, the market came roaring back with its biggest one day gain ever. The day after that (which is when we're writing this) the market was way down again - assuring that this will officially be the worst December for Wall Street since the Great Depression. Albeit with fewer intestines on the sidewalks. (Note: subsequent to our writing this paragraph, the market crept upward again, more or less making Thursday a "break even" day.)

Meanwhile, the (ahem) "government shutdown" continues with virtually no one actually noticing or caring much. It turns out that the "non-essential" employees of the government are pretty much exactly that, and the non-essential things that they don't do very well at the best of times aren't much missed by the general public.

Democrats, preparing to take over the House of Representatives in January, have announced an ambitious slate of new spending bills (Medicare For All!) and other initiatives (Guns For None!), none of which amounts to actual news, and none of which requires commentary from us beyond opining that the Dems should spend some quality time with a rolling donut.

And so we find ourselves reluctantly surrendering to the ennui of this Twilight Zone-ish "week between." But be of good cheer: Monday will bring our epic annual "year in review" edition of Stilton's Place, followed by another 12 months of fresh idiocy!

Monday, December 24, 2018

Merry Christmas 2018

We're taking the day off to enjoy our family, and won't be posting on Wednesday. Best wishes for a merry and meaningful Christmas to all of you wonderful folks who visit Stilton's Place!

Friday, December 21, 2018

Jingle Belle Rocks

Click picture for larger size
The news may be grim, but we'll be damned if we're not going to at least try to put a smile on your face on the last Friday before Christmas! And who better to make that happen than America's favorite sugarplum, Busty Ross!

It would be indiscreet of us to mention what part of Miss Ross shakes "like a bowlful of jelly" when she laughs, but we'll admit to working a lot of Christmas-themed jokes into office conversation lately. For instance,  "How much did Santa's sleigh cost?" Answer: "Nothing, it was on the house!"

And no, Miss Ross didn't laugh either. 

Nor were we laughing when looking over recent news: thanks to the Fed's decision to shoot the Wall Street wounded, our portfolio has officially become a portfoliette, Mad Dog Mattis has announced that he's leaving the Trump administration in February, and 2019 is shaping up to be the year of unending idiotic legal proceedings to hamstring the President. 

But despite all of that (and much more), we're actually in a pretty good mood. Daughter Jarlsberg returns home for the holidays today, our neighborhood is ablaze in Christmas lights, and tidings of comfort and joy are in the air. Our favorite Christmas songs are playing nonstop, and our thoughts have turned to Peace on Earth and good will to men. And women. And "others," too - what the heck.

But most importantly, we want to say... "Hey Busty! What do angry mice send each other in December? Cross mouse cards!!!"

Wow. Tough room.

BONUS: Speaking of shaking things up for Christmas, this should do the job nicely!

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Christmas Trimmings

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In what should come as a shock to absolutely no one in these gender-confused times, a new poll has revealed that 27% of respondents would prefer Santa Claus to be female or gender neutral.

Mind you, the poll revealed additional results besides those suggesting that kids should go to bed on Christmas Eve while waiting to hear the clop, clop, clop of Bruce Jenner's track shoes landing on the roof.

Some respondents want Santa to have dreadlocks, to wear skinny jeans, get tattoos, and drive a convertible - suggesting not only gender confusion, but a significant mid-life crisis for Santa.

According to one respondent, "I just feel like a white, old man giving presents is kind of creepy." No doubt because in this person's mind, an endless supply of presents should actually be given away to all by a faceless, genderless government.

Which is, of course, largely funded by old white men who don't even get the option of deciding whether their funds will go to the naughty or the nice.

Monday, December 17, 2018

A Christmas Peril

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With Christmas only a week away, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi are cementing their names near the top of the Naughty List by threatening a government shutdown rather than allow funding for the border wall that President Trump is demanding.

Their gambit carries more risk than usual, owing to the fact that Trump is entirely willing to see the government shut down and take credit for it.

It's a bit unclear exactly what form such a shutdown would take, as Democrats are still smarting from the last time they pulled this stunt and became laughingstocks for punishing the public by closing national parks, monuments (including the Vietnam Memorial), and forbidding families from looking at Old Faithful or Mount Rushmore.

Here's what we had to say about government shutdowns way back in 2013...

The question of whether or not a border wall will be funded is more than just a "tinkle contest," as Nancy Pelosi would say. Consider this first hand report from a good friend of ours:

I was given a personal tour of our Arizona southern border today by a border patrol agent. Basically, not much of a border. Don’t believe what the MSM and politicians tell you about our secure border. This gent asked me to share photos and what he saw. They caught around 35% of what they actually "saw." There aren’t enough agents to cover the entire southern border. Drones don’t work if you can’t get to the bad guys fast enough.

Last night, he spotted 30 illegals, called in, they caught 7 at night and two more in the morning. Guess what, 21 got away. Thousands of them got away daily, he said. There is no such thing as natural barriers. They will go over 8,000 ft elevation to enter our country at will. When Pelosi and Schumer said we don’t need the wall, they’re full of sh*t. He also stated that the majority of the agents favor a gov shutdown. Middle easterners are caught weekly and those are the ones caught.

I could write a chapter on my four hours down there. I felt strange as if I was in another country. He often referred to the area as occupied land. I was downright depressed at the end of the day. Final note, these border patrol agents work nonstop day and night to keep the bad guys out with very little resources, but they show up 24/7 to keep us safe. 

Here's a picture of a section of the existing "border wall" that our friend took:

You MAY not have an effective wall if it needs to be bolted to the ground to keep illegals from stealing it.
Border security is a serious issue which is currently not being treated seriously by pretty much any politicians other than Donald Trump. Hopefully a real showdown may change that.

Friday, December 14, 2018

Rear Ended on the Hershey Highway

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Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski (whose last name is the single most valuable word you can play in Scrabble) made an unfortunate on-air faux pas Wednesday, when she called Secretary of State Mike Pompeo "a wannabe dictator's butt boy."

It's another case in which if you scratch a liberal (and frankly, we think that's always a good idea), you quickly find the kind of deep-rooted intolerance and bigotry that they accuse others of having.

Here at Stilton's Place, we're unapologetically Gay-friendly and would never think of using a homophobic slur to demean someone with whom we disagree politically. Not that Brzezinski limited herself to that - just for good measure, she also questioned whether Pompeo's comments (about the Saudi Crown Prince's possible involvement in the highly kinetic killing of dissident journalist Jamal "Surprise Party" Khashoggi) were "the words of a patriot."

Mika later acknowledged that her insinuation that Pompeo is some kind of treasonous ankle-grabber represented a "super bad choice of words."

Pretty much like everything else that comes out of her mouth.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Hired Hams

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Don't panic - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez hasn't really been asked to host the Oscars, although if it does happen you read it here first.

Currently, the Oscars have no host lined up after they hired then quickly dumped alleged comedian Kevin Hart, owing to the fact that, some years ago, he made homophobic tweets. Although we'd say they were a little more than just "homophobic." Consider this thought-provoking tweet: "Yo if my son comes home & try's 2 play with my daughters doll house I'm going 2 break it over his head & say n my voice 'stop that's gay.'"

Hart has apologized repeatedly for his tweets in the past, but refused to make a fresh apology under the reasonable assumption that if past apologies didn't count, a new one wouldn't do any good either.

All of this is making it hard for the Oscars to find a Hart transplant for the awards ceremony, owing to the fact that pretty much no celebrity really wants to expose themselves to a potentially career-ending examination of their every word and deed since birth.

The best suggestion we've heard (and we wish we could give credit but we forgot where we saw it) is that Donald Trump should host the event, since the jokes would be about him anyway, and it would be a ratings blockbuster. Frankly, we can't think of anything else that would make us tune in.

And speaking of Trump and hard to fill jobs...

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It wasn't our intention to present a trifecta of unbelievably annoying women today, but then we saw Nancy Pelosi's comments (accurately quoted above) following a meeting that she and Chuck Schumer shared with President of the United States Donald Trump.

The idea that this loathsome old colostomy bag will likely again be Speaker of the House makes us feel like we've got skunk tinkle all over us.

Monday, December 10, 2018

The Sound of Muzak

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One would be hard pressed to come up with a way to actually improve the classic "The Sound of Music" (other than by adding singing zombies, of course). Yet Lisa Mars, the principal of a famous New York City performing arts high school, came up with a real doozy of an idea: she ordered the removal of all Nazi emblems and props from the school's presentation about a family running for their very lives from actual Nazis.

This overly sanitized version of the story would be puzzling at best. Rather than have Captain Von Trapp rip a Nazi flag in half, he might simply clutch a handful of Edelweiss to his chest and let loose with a primal scream. The oldest daughter's male love interest couldn't turn up wearing a Nazi uniform, but might terrify audiences showing up in a MAGA hat. And the crucial scene in which the singing Von Trapps are forced to perform on a stage adorned with swastikas would certainly have to be changed - perhaps having the fearful family held at gunpoint while appearing on the Mike Huckabee Show.

According to one student who is marginally more sane than the school's principal, "This is a very liberal school, we're all against Nazis. But to take out the symbol is to try to erase history."

We'll forgive the student for assuming that it's only "very liberal" folks who are against Nazis, and blame it on the bilge she's being exposed to in her "very liberal" school.

Ironically, a portion of the proceeds from the show are supposed to be donated to Holocaust remembrance groups...although it's pretty damn hard to show appropriate "remembrance" for history that's being actively erased.

Fortunately, the principal has been partially overruled by the New York City Department of Education, and a few bits of Nazi regalia will be included in the presentation after suitable trigger warnings have been issued, and smelling salts and fainting couches have been made available to audience members.

The beloved musical asks the question "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" but we think a much more important question is "How do you solve a problem like Principal Mars?"

Friday, December 7, 2018

Many Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen

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The days of December are quickly passing, moving us ever deeper into that beloved time of year when liberal nitwits find hilarious new reasons to be offended by anything and everything related to Christmas.

As a case in point, a hue and cry has been raised against the playfully romantic tune "Baby, It's Cold Outside," owing to interpretations that the song is actually about men drugging women and raping them, then casting them aside (perhaps in the snow) while heading for a warm seat on the Supreme Court.

In recent days the easily offended have also been melting down about the stunning red Christmas trees chosen by First Lady Melania Trump to adorn the White House, the "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special (because of bullying by the other reindeer), and in all likelihood protesters are taking to the streets because the Three Wise Men didn't also include a "wise Latina."

Then there's the Massachusetts church that has erected a nativity scene with baby Jesus locked in a cage, as a protest against Donald Trump's alleged policy of grabbing newborn saviors at the border and throwing them in the clink. Although frankly, we're betting any kid with a halo who is spotted walking across the Rio Grande will be granted automatic citizenship personally by the President.

There's a lot to be enjoyed about this time of year, including traditions and celebrations both religious and secular. Both of which annoy the heck out of the Left if anyone appears to actually be having fun. So please, progressive snowflakes, just shut your stupid whiny yaps for a few weeks and let the rest of us enjoy ourselves!

Is that cold enough for

Efforts to revive her failed since she couldn't give paramedics permission to touch her.

Our visit to the USS Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor was a sobering and unforgettable experience. Similarly, we had an emotional moment when hiking up a mountain trail on the island of Oahu and finding the rusting engine block of a Japanese Zero. The unfortunate pilot, coming in low and fast for the attack, confused a blind alley with the actual mountain pass leading to Pearl Harbor.

That piece of metal, forgotten and nearly hidden by Hawaii's jungle of plant life, spoke eloquently of the events of that awful and fateful day.

Take time today to remember that day of infamy...and to reflect on the fact that freedom is never free.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Stocking Market

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Today's post is a little more personal than usual, mostly because the real news is so annoying right now that we'd just rather do some improvisational whining rather than dissect the usual idiocy.

Definitely catching our attention yesterday was the Dow-Jones' nearly 800 point drop, which blew another gaping holio in our portfolio. We're not sure exactly what caused it, though it certainly can't help market confidence when the (ahem) "news" media keeps declaring that Mueller is about to lower the boom on the President of the United States.

In any event, we are not amused - our tech stocks have all gone into "correction" territory (which means they're in prison cells where they get crudely-etched gang tattoos and call the guards "screws")...and we hope things turn around financially soon rather than getting even worse.

Changing subjects, some of you may remember from a few months ago that we had developed an interesting medical condition in which we would spontaneously start break-dancing multiple times over the course of a night. Which made for some decent Youtube video, but not exactly blissful rest.

The good news is that we've ruled out anything serious, but other than that can't quite determine what's going on. It seems that something happened physically, perhaps related to prescription medication, which changed the way our body reacts to stress. Soooo, we're experimenting with new methods of lowering our baseline stress level from its traditional "Defcon One" status.

Our primary effort is "guided meditation," in which a soothing voice tells you to close your eyes, breathe consciously, and picture yourself inside a vast open space with no boundaries and a perfect emptiness, free from awareness of the outside world or even thoughts. Currently, we do this by imagining ourselves floating inside Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's mind. Talk about infinite emptiness.

We also popped for a pair of Oculus Go VR goggles (and like them!), which we're pretty sure we can list as a medical deduction on our taxes as long as we only use them for meditational purposes. Fortunately, one can pretty quickly achieve a pure state of Zen by firing head shots into marauding zombies. Trust us on this one.

Have any other suggestions for de-stressing? We're currently looking for a second, third, and fourth opinion in the comments section - so let's hear what you have to say!

Monday, December 3, 2018

Fill In The Blankety-Blanks

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Former President George Herbert Walker Bush has died at the age of 94. We didn't necessarily agree with every policy decision he ever made, but in general we liked the man and are deeply appreciative of his lifelong service (including military service) to this country.

But showing appropriate respect for the man is apparently too much to ask for from what passes for journalistic outlets these days. Particularly galling was the Washington Post's initial posting about the President's passing, about which they said, and we quote: "Mr. Bush died of SPECIFIC MEDICAL CAUSE OF DEATH, said/according to xxx."

Note to the Washington Post: we can understand why you prepare generic obituaries for important people ahead of time, but you really shouldn't go to press with them until you've filled in the freaking blanks (not that your paper demonstrates any great skill for doing that in any other stories).

We now imagine that the Washington Post has many such templates on hand, including stories like "Donald Trump offended NAME OF COUNTRY/LEADER/GROUP today with his radically offensive COMMENTS/TWEETS about SUBJECT, leading to fresh accusations that he is, in fact, a Nazi." And perhaps, "Scientists agree that RECENT NATURAL DISASTER can be attributed to global warming and Trump's decision to turn down the Paris Accord. Climate expert xxx suggests that this is proof that Trump is, in fact, a Nazi."

While a later edition of the Washington Post actually filled in a few details of President Bush's death, there was still criticism of their poor journalistic standards coming from their contemporaries. For instance, Slate's big headline was "New York Times and Washington Post Obituaries for George H.W. Bush Leave Out Groping Allegations."

Heavens! Was Bush, like Justice Kavanaugh, yet another conservative conducting gang rapes on girls rendered helpless by drugged punch?! Well, no. The article states that there were a couple of instances in the last two years when the wheelchair-bound nonagenarian, surrounded by other people and photographers, may have playfully reached out to pat a female fanny while joking that he was magician "David Cop-a-feel." (That last part is true and, putting political correctness aside, it's not a bad joke for a flirty - and harmless - 92 year old.)

Lack of impulse control is, sadly, pretty much par for the course for people that old and is not really cause to lump a good man in with the innumerable #MeToo victimizers of women. For Slate to suggest that these accusations are the most important thing which needs to be said about the life and career of President GHW Bush is beyond reprehensible.

But happily, we may not have to put up with their nonsense much longer. Because we've heard "Slate will cease publication owing to SEX/DRUG/FINANCIAL SCANDAL according to xxx." And we know we can trust "xxx," because the Washington Post said so.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Friday Free For All!

There's a lot going on in the news, and virtually all of it is ridiculous. But we won't keep you in suspense, we're kicking off today's post with the MOST stupid thing we've seen all week...

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Detroit's Oakland University is passing out hockey pucks to faculty and student government leaders to throw at active shooters should such an event break out. Because nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a good guy with a tiny piece of sports equipment.

Granted, a single hockey puck flung by a wimpish professorial type (ever seen how Barack Obama throws a baseball?) is only going to piss the shooter off, but the University has big plans for the future. "The ideal situation," they say, "is that you would have a classroom full of 30 or 40 people, all of whom have hockey pucks."

And in actuality, the idea has merit. Because if, God forbid, there ever is an active shooter event at Oakland University, we expect the person who thought up this godawful idea to get 30 or 40 hockey pucks up their ass from the survivors. Maybe then they'll get serious about campus safety.

And speaking of people who are no strangers to getting things shoved up their butts...

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Stormy "Chlamydia Chowder" Daniels has come forward to announce that her lying sleazeball lawyer, Michael Avenatti, never got her permission to file the failed defamation suit against Donald Trump - and has also been taking the porn star's crowdfunding money (around $600,000) without giving any accounting of where it's going.

We find everything about this story to be delightful. The unpleasantly-aging Daniels will have to continue supporting herself by putting on debasing displays for any drunk with a dollar bill, the dolts who contributed to her campaign have been royally ripped off, and Avenatti will have to use his ill-gotten gains to pay millions of dollars in back taxes or, better still, flee the country.

But even that doesn't make us as happy as this tidbit of entertainment news...

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The "Murphy Brown" reboot has officially been booted from view by CBS after only 13 episodes, owing to abysmal ratings and the high cost of keeping the geriatric cast members refrigerated between takes.

The idea behind the reboot was simple: "let's bring back a show from 20 years ago and make it relevant by having every spoken word be an attack on President Trump!" Yet more proof that cocaine doesn't really make anyone more creative.

The show starred a tastefully-embalmed Candace Bergen, and tried to entice viewers with stunts like a cameo from Hillary Clinton - because who doesn't want to see even more of that strident old biddy? Currently, there is no word on whether CBS will try to re-reboot the show with most of the cast members and a new premise in which Murphy Brown has unexpectedly died from an opioid overdose


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Please join me in wishing a very happy birthday to Mrs. Jarlsberg!

Unsurprisingly, she's the real rock of the family, counterbalancing my lifelong creative chaos with stability, wisdom, and good humor. She is by far better informed on topical news than I am - she frequently points me at the important stories of the day, and has a mind which is actually analytical instead of one programmed to turn everything into a joke (albeit frequently a serious joke).

We don't really make a big show of celebrating birthdays (she won't even get that Hallmark card), but instead observe such occasions with our own family rituals. A hand-carved (by her grandfather) set of wooden letters spelling out "Happy Birthday" is put on display, and a little doll family that lives in our entertainment center and represents our family members will see a birthday crown worn on the head of the Mama figure.

Mrs. Jarlsberg deserves a real crown, of course, but happily has no taste for diamonds. Did I get lucky or what?

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Cry Me a Rivera

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Things are heating up considerably on our southern border, where the (ahem) "caravan" of Hispanic men (with a small sprinkling of women and children, densely surrounded by photographers) are aggressively - and illegally - trying to enter our country.

The Left is horrified that tear gas was deployed defensively against the violent, rock-throwing miscreants attempting to injure (or worse) our law enforcement officers. Although strangely, headlines about the confrontations tend to read "Trump gasses children at border," as if he was personally marching the weeping toddlers into the cyanide shower stalls.

Little mention, however, is made of Barack Obama using tear gas against "immigrants" at the border some 80 times during his administration. But that was okay, because he was Black. Well, Black-ish.

But when it comes to the media overreacting and distorting the story, one can hardly find a better example than Geraldo "Want to see my semi-naked tweets?" Rivera. On Monday's edition of Fox News's "The Five," the volatile Rivera erupted in a lengthy tantrum about how disgusted he is with our country for the vile treatment being shown to these poor, angelic refugees.

Here are his comments, interspersed with some questions and observations of our own (in bold).

"I am ashamed," Geraldo emoted. "We treat these people - these economic refugees (economic? We've been told they were fleeing violence!) - as if they're zombies from The Walking Dead. We are a nation of immigrants (Legal immigrants). These are desperate people. They walked 2,000 miles."(in record breaking time, perhaps owing to the use of motorized vehicles, and with food, water, and shelter paid for by shadowy figures).

"Why? Because they want to rape your daughter (which happens) or steal your lunch? No. Because they want a job! (Again, not cause for political asylum - which, in any case, was already offered by Mexico and turned down by the group's organizers). They want to fill the millions of unfilled jobs (which Americans aren't doing because they make more in welfare) we have in the agricultural sector (Hmm - remind us what crops need picking 12 months a year?). They want to wash dishes in the restaurants! They wanna deliver the pizzas!" (But those are minimum wage jobs which will require supplemental income and services from generous government programs - especially for families. And shouldn't Hispanics be insulted that the Leftists see them only as potential servants doing the most menial jobs imaginable?)

Geraldo then wrapped up his diatribe with a predictable dash of racism, suggesting that the problem isn't that millions of people are violating our immigration laws and draining our resources, but rather that stinking, evil Americans don't want them because "they look different than the mainstream." Showing that Geraldo clearly hasn't looked at the "mainstream" in Texas any time recently.

By Geraldo's own admission, these people are NOT coming here for asylum - they're coming for money...most of which will be from taxpayers, both in direct payments and indirect expenses (healthcare, schools, housing and a lot more).

We are not unsympathetic to those people (not including the criminals, gang members, or incurably diseased) who want to come into the United States - which remains, despite the Dems' best efforts, the land of opportunity.

But we would also not be unsympathetic to the distressed shipwreck survivors still in the water once the only life boat has been filled to the point that even one more person added will sink the boat - causing everyone to drown.

There are limits to what we can do, and those limits need to be established by law and enforced through legal means - not by mob rule. Because when our nation's laws fail - and they might - the question won't be who's coming into this country, but how the rest of us can get the hell out.

Monday, November 26, 2018

Some Bones To Pick With You

In much the same way that we believe "there's still some good meat on those bones" as our leftovers dwindle to a precious few, so too do we feel like we can coax at least one more semi-vacation day out of Thanksgiving even though it's getting pretty distant in the rearview mirror.

So today will be another collection of semi-random topics and thoughts, which we'll blame on the lingering effects of our recent tryptophan overdose.

For starters, we'll report that we had a genuinely lovely Thanksgiving dinner with family. As is tradition, the younger members of the party shared the exciting new things happening in their lives, then tried to suppress their expressions of horror as we older folks regaled the table with our latest rounds of doctor visits, surgeries, and odd medical quirks which may or may not do us in before next Thanksgiving.

We're pretty sure the original pilgrims didn't do this while eating turkey, but only because living to "old age" way back then meant hitting 35 or so. Granted, dropping dead at that age isn't great, but at least their Puritan corpses still had cartilage on their knee and hip joints.

We were, however, delighted to meet a new family member at this occasion- a beautiful month-old girl born to our niece here in Texas. And speaking of babies (clever segue, huh?) this is as good a place as any to also welcome the three-week-old boy recently born to our nephew and his wife in Alaska, and an additional baby girl born to another nephew and wife in Indiana. Seeing all these new lives, in person and via Internet, reminds us yet again of the importance of trying to get the world into some kind of reasonable shape since that's where the kids are going to have to eventually live.

On a different topic, we cleverly side-stepped the brutal crush of Black Friday shopping by buying a new big screen 4K television on the previous Dusky Wednesday, when the deals weren't quite as good but you had a better chance of not ending up on the local news. Later today, we'll be adding numerous electronic umbilicals to the new TV while enjoying Tourette's-style expressions of enthusiasm.

We are, of course, very excited about being able to experience the full unbridled glory of having a television which offers widescreen 4K resolution and "billions of colors" as we watch our fuzzy old black and white films on Turner Classic Movies. We will, however, probably find a 4K online video of a grizzly bear standing in white water and snapping at jumping salmon just so we can "ooh" and "ahh" at the eye-slicing detail of something we normally wouldn't watch at gunpoint.

"At gunpoint" is also how we're feeling after receiving a letter from the Social Security Administration on Black Friday, explaining that they're going to charge us an additional $6000 for our (ahem) "free" Medicare based on their hallucinatory estimation of our non-existent income.

We can't say for sure, but we suspect that this may be a direct result of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tapping keys on a government computer that she was explicitly told not to touch.