Vine Marches On

Yes, that's really my late Mom and my (better looking) twin brother.

Mother's Day has come and gone, and many of you are probably still reeling from the dirty looks Mom gave you after receiving only a Hallmark card and a drugstore gift. This was the woman who carried you for nine months! This was the woman who was willing to have sex with your father in hopes of someday having a thoughtful child. But she got you.

So if you failed to score points with Mom this year, I'm here to help you with a variety of memorable (trust me on this) gift items you can start looking at for next year!

As I've mentioned here previously, I'm a member of Amazon Vine. That's a program in which you can choose items to receive free in return for posting an honest review of the product. Sweet, right? Of course, not all the Vine offerings are winners. So here, once again, I'm presenting the latest crop of items that caught my eye (or caught in my throat)...

The Darkness Before the Dumb

It comes as a welcome relief to Americans that we're no longer the only nation blowing through unfathomable amounts of money to learn, once and for all, just how deep FAFO goes.

Oh, Fauci and company had us in the top spot for quite awhile, investing our tax dollars to create new ways to kill millions of human beings then doubling down by giving mRNA poisoning to Covid survivors. It is truly a situation in which "Oops, sorry" just seems an insufficient degree of penance.

But today is a new day...and soon to be a dimmer day. Because researchers in the UK have just committed to spending $66 million in hopes of fighting climate change by dimming the sun. Because there's certainly nothing that could go wrong with that plan, right?

Happily, the sun itself is in no danger as all the dimming will be taking place right here in the Earth's atmosphere, which will be made "more reflective" to bounce sunlight back into space. This process will require scientists to flood the atmosphere with chemicals which will almost certainly be 100% safe for us to breathe. Seriously, how much damage can a lungful of tiny shiny shards do?

The benefits of dimness (which is a book title waiting to happen) will be profound. For one thing, it will stop climate change in its tracks, assuming that researchers' wild guesses and spurious studies are right about what causes climate change. Which, to date, they haven't been.

Still, there will be effects we can confidently predict. Reducing the amount of solar energy entering our atmosphere will effectively put every plant that uses photosynthesis on a crash diet. So there will be less food grown, less carbon dioxide uptake, and less oxygen production. Solar panels will produce less electricity. Weather patterns will be affected, as well as our planet's myriad (and delicately balanced) ecosystems,

Sufficient dimness will additionally impact animal behavior, including human animals who tend to develop depression when deprived of enough light. 

Or when contemplating more a**holes in lab coats performing potentially catastrophic experiments.

Inaction Figure

Hey, kids! Wouldn't YOU like to be the first to own these (checks Urban Dictionary) lit, dope, fabbo collectible inaction figures?! Choose hard-hitting citizen journalist "STILTON JARLSBERG" or America's Sweetheart "BUSTY ROSS!" Patriotism has never been so much fun...or at least, not since we released the Adam Schiff urinal cakes ("Delicious!" raves former Presidementia Joe Biden).

Sadly, these toys aren't really on the market (and I'm pretty sure that my sales wouldn't even be close to Busty's). But I've called this post "Inaction Figure" for a reason - to concede the fact that it's time for "Stilton's Place" in its current form to take its final bows.

The blog began as Hope n' Change Cartoons way back in January of 2009 and I've been here, sometimes sporadically, ever since. The world has changed dramatically and, in recent years, so have I. When I lost my wife of 48 years, Kathy, after a hellish battle with wildfire leukemia, more than half of me went with her. It's been just over 3 years now but still feels like yesterday. I don't like the word "healing" in relation to grief, as grief isn't a sickness, but if I had to measure my progress I'd say I'm maybe 20% better than I was at my worst. At that rate, when I turn 85 I might consider dating again.

I function pretty well day-to-day and in human interactions (dreaded, but not entirely escapable) people still consider me funny. And I'm definitely still into doing creative things and pursuing humor.

But politics? Just shoot me. Emotionally speaking, I simply can't deal with the lying, the accusations, the theatrics, and the naked evil that swirls through the alleged "news" of the day. It fills me with impotent anger. It robs me of energy and hope, and I need every iota of both to keep going. Mind you, I stay reasonably up on current events by listening to the podcast "Real Coffee with Scott Adams" daily. He's non-partisan, smart, funny, and calls out all of the idiocy with unbridled glee. I highly recommend that you take a trial listen!

But where does that leave us - you and me - at the moment? Well, I don't know. I mostly thought I should post today just so you'd know I hadn't stepped in front of a bus, crossed Hillary Clinton one too many times, or been swept away by a Spring twister ("Everything's bigger in Texas!")

I'm going to take some time to reflect on what I might be able to write about that isn't politics. Should I just mock stupid products on Amazon? Share colorful tales about my youth (remember having jumper cables attached to your nipples? I do.) Share recipes (Clan MacGregor scrambled eggs)? Just find something to bitch about every week? Should I do a podcast?  I have no idea and any suggestions will be warmly welcomed in the comments section. Well, don't suggest Only Fans. I already tried and didn't earn a dime.

I'll keep you posted as my mental mists clear, so please don't unsubscribe from the mail list - I never spam and I'd rather sell my vital organs ("Why am I waking up in a bathtub full of ice?) than sell your private contact information.

We've had an incredible run together and one I hope will extend into the future. Same wit and worldview but different subject matter. 

Oh, I should note that Johnny Optimism isn't going anywhere. You can count on three new cartoons a week until either Johnny or I drop over. Because I like spending time with him.

FROM THE VAULT

Since the presidential autopen is in the news, it seemed like a good time to revisit this golden oldie cartoon...

(5/31/2011) History was made last week when Barack Obama, whose every public utterance comes off a teleprompter, authorized the robotic "autopen" to sign a bill into law while the president himself was overseas drinking Guinness and singing "Danny Boy" with his long-lost Irish kinsmen.

The autopen is a machine which uses a real pen to create a duplicate of the president's signature, allowing "personally hand signed" letters and photos to be created for campaign donors and grieving military families without taking away from Mr. Obama's critical time on the golf course.

But the idea that the autopen's duplicate signature is, legally speaking, just as valid as Mr. Obama's signature is troubling to say the least. It suggests that the president himself isn't really a necessary part of the governmental process and is entirely superfluous... much like Joe Biden.