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Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Bum's Rush

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, seattle, heroin, drugs, anal

In this miserable year, it takes a real effort to find good news worth reporting - but thankfully we've found just such a story!

To cope with the epidemic of biohazardous needles littering Seattle's sidewalks, the city has now initiated a program to popularize the practice of "Booty Bumping," in which heroin enters the body by way of the asshole (and in Seattle, there are plenty of them). To facilitate this practice, the city is giving away the necessary equipment (basically a rubber squeeze bulb of the sort used to suction mucus from a baby's nose which, for all we know, is also some kind of perverse turn-on in Seattle).

"But," say the heroin addicts, "won't shoving heroin up my ass look undignified? What's in it for me?" And the answer, according to local Democrats, is "plenty!" Their distribution materials point out that users can get a bigger and quicker rush from heroin when it's delivered via the Hershey Highway, that there's less risk of needle-transmitted disease, and the process is better for the addict's skin in that it doesn't leave unsightly track marks on their arms. Track marks in their Fruit of the Looms is apparently less of a consideration.

While heartless conservative types might want to help the addicts actually get off drugs and off the streets, the Democrats have chosen another path (so to speak) which we can actually get behind (oops, sorry). In fact, now that the Democrats run everything in the country, we applaud solving social issues by adopting a "shove it up your ass" attitude. Perhaps the healing really has begun.

(Editorial Note / Correction: In an earlier version of this story we said this was happening in San Francisco rather than Seattle. We apologize for our mistake, and will henceforth only take Clan MacGregor orally.)

A COLA DAY IN HELL

By now we've all heard about the anti-racist training being forced on employees of Coca-Cola (and most other major companies).  And while this training is very specific about all Caucasians being genetically aggressive, arrogant, ignorant, tribal, and cursed with undersized genitalia, the recommendations for helping these pale miscreants find spiritual and cultural redemption are a bit more vague.  But we're here to help!

Thanks to a quick Internet search (which, according to Joe Biden, our brothers and sisters of color can't quite figure out how to do) we've found a video which will allow you to take the woke advice of Coca-Cola and "try to be Les White"...

Monday, February 22, 2021

Iran Rap

First, the headlines...

Now that Joe "There Is No Vaccine" Biden has firmly established that his administration is really Obama's third term on LSD-laced steroids, we're seeing a lot of old policy failures being reanimated as shiny new policy failures.  A particular case in point is Iran, and Biden's current outreach to eliminate Trump-era sanctions on the demonic nation, facilitate their ability to buy advanced weapons (frequently with our money), and the proposal of a bold new offer to wear double surgical masks over our eyes so we can't monitor Iran's accelerating nuclear weapons program.

So as long as Biden is recycling policy, we can damn well recycle what we said about it the first time around...

July 15, 2015

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, iran, deal, israel, terror, nuclear
Another big f*cking deal, right Mr. Biden?

Barack Hussein Obama took to the airwaves early Tuesday morning to announce that our years of tough, hardball negotiations with Iran have finally paid off in a deal which forces the "Death to America, Death to Israel" terrorism-exporting, always-lying nation to not only pinky-swear that they will stop developing nuclear weapons, but - at the insistence of John "Swiftboat" Kerry - also cross their hearts not to cheat this time.

In return for all this impressive promising, Obama's tough deal has given the Iranians very, very little. All we have to do is remove all economic sanctions from Iran, immediately ship them tens of billions of dollars, allow them to keep feverishly spinning and enriching nuclear materials in their cyclotrons, supply them with additional and more sophisticated cyclotrons, and allow them to continue development of ballistic missiles and weapons systems.

Oh yeah, we also have agreed to let them work on their nuclear hobbies pretty much wherever they want without fear of sudden unwanted inspections, allow them to keep supporting and exporting worldwide terror and calling for the destruction of the U.S. and Israel. Finally, and most importantly,  the United States was required to set up "a really bitching public address system" in Tehran from which Martha & The Vandellas "Dancing in the Streets" is even now playing on an endless loop for the jubilant Iranian people.

Unsurprisingly, our now-former allies in Israel are less enthusiastic about the deal, with one official saying it represents "a historic surrender by the West to the axis of evil headed by Iran."

In response, Obama has assured Israel that "if you like your existence on the map, you can keep it. Period. Case closed!"

There is still at least a possibility that Congress will be able to kill the deal, although the president warns that he will veto any such move. A stance much tougher than any he took with Iran.

But then, the president and Congress aren't on the same side.

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, iran, deal, israel, terror, nuclear
Hey, as long as it's between consenting countries it's cool - right?

BONUS: From The HnC Vault...

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, iran, deal, israel, terror, nuclear, nuculure, bush
Hey, wait a minute...

Friday, February 19, 2021

Thank You, Rush

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Rush Limbaugh, excellence in broadcasting, death, obituary, hero, radio, rush
Talent on loan from God, paid back with interest

Rush Limbaugh is gone. And if there are sadder words to write, I certainly can't think of them at the moment.  Rush was a personal hero of mine, and we'd listened to his show for so many years that he really felt more like family than a radio personality. His presence in our home on weekdays was simply a given, albeit never taken for granted - especially during his final year of broadcasting while waging a tremendous battle against an unbeatable health condition.

When I heard Rush Limbaugh's show for the first time, I wasn't a conservative - I was a political idiot and too dumb to even know it. I more or less believed that Democrats were good (hey, they're against lynchings!), Republicans were bad (they only serve rich people!), and all else was unnecessary detail. With that level of ignorance, I would never listen to a radio show about politics - but fortunately, I turned in for a different reason.

I'd heard that this "Rush Limbaugh" fellow was something of a radio wild man - a "shock jock" agitator and lunatic who made people crazy (rather like broadcaster Joe Pyne and his ilk, who provoked guests into screaming matches). So I turned on the program expecting a complete freakshow...and found something entirely different. Limbaugh was funny! And smart! And the things he was saying didn't inflame me - they made sense. And the more he spoke, the more I cared...and the more I realized that it was important to care, and not to be an unthinking tool of the political/media spin machines.

More than any other individual, Rush Limbaugh is responsible for shaping my worldview and appreciation of genuine conservatism and Constitutionalism. Without Rush, this blog would have never existed.

Using logic, wit, and unmatchable broadcast skills, Rush brought millions of people back to classic American moral virtues over the course of 30 years. He united us and reminded us of the power for good we can wield as a group. And most importantly, he gave us hope - every day, no matter what. Circumstances both political and personal threw seemingly insurmountable challenges his way, and he not only carried on but did so with strength, optimism, humor, and an infectious faith that things would eventually go our way.

Rush Limbaugh will never be replaced - some shoes are too big to fill, and that "golden microphone" gleamed not because of its color, but because of the voice it transmitted. Happily, Rush changed the landscape of conservative broadcasting (he arguably created it) and so the void he leaves will be filled with other voices rather than silence.

Rush will be desperately missed, but the many lessons he taught me about politics and life will carry on. And for that, I'm truly and deeply thankful.

MANY ARE COLD BUT FEW ARE FROZEN

The year 2021 is still showing outstanding initiative when it comes to being a complete pain in the rear end. On a personal level, the latest affront was the Great Texas Freeze and the unsurprising discovery that the Green New Deal (now known as the Gangrene New Deal) will be a really, really effective means to kill people.

For multiple reasons - but primarily the near 100% failure of electricity-generating wind turbines in Texas, followed closely by the closure of many coal-fired generators - a freakish polar vortex knocked Texans for a loop as our power grid went down.

Here at Jarlsberg Manor, we lost power at just after 2 AM on Sunday night/Monday morning. And it got cold in the house fast. This kicked off three days (and long, long nights) of "rolling blackouts" which sometimes consisted of 8 or 9 hours with no power, followed by a half hour of electricity with which to raise the ambient temperature by about 5 degrees before being plunged back into darkness and arctic cold.

The Jarlsberg family coped by wearing layers upon layers of clothing and swaddling ourselves in blankets and, whenever available, dogs. For some reason, our gas fireplace sucks more warmth out of the room and up the chimney than it returns - so that was out. Our one source of heat was a small propane heater which would glow for six hours on a one-pound propane tank. And the heater was rated for indoor use (and used with caution bordering on paranoia), though also cautioned "may create carbon monoxide which is odorless and colorless and will not only kill you but make your neighbors mutter about what a stupid way you chose to die."

Adapting to the unpredictable rhythms of brief electrical service, we kept a large pan of hearty soup on the electric stove, and fresh grounds in the coffee pot. At the first "queep!" of electrical activity, we'd scramble to get things cooking and brewing. First pot of hot coffee went into a thermos, and hopefully we could squeeze out a second for immediate consumption. 

Even for the brief periods we had electricity, our Internet, cable TV, and landline phone service were out (it turns out that the repeated power outages destroyed some component common to all three services). We had radio, but didn't listen that often; we knew things weren't going to warm up for days, and we were already depressed enough without getting more news of the world.

Eventually, the periods with electricity grew longer and more frequent (yay!) and as of Thursday morning our other services were restored. Not that we're completely out of the woods; owing to so many pipes bursting in local homes (not ours so far), there's an extreme water shortage in our area. We've been told "no showers, no laundry, no dishwashing, no "trickle of water to prevent pipe damage," and so on. Being community-minded, we're doing our bit by making our scotch and waters out of scotch and scotch. And yes, we KNOW we could use snow, but where's the fun in that?!

In all seriousness, the experiences of the past few days will be something for us to reflect on for a while. It's surprisingly focusing to be freezing in your home, in the dark, cut off from communications with the outside world. Which, considering the "outside world" in 2021, was at least a minor blessing.

Monday, February 15, 2021

I'm With Cupid

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, valentine's day, heart, hard on

OKAY, NOW THE HEALING CAN BEGIN

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, impeachment, acquittal, trump, swalwell, china, spy, sex

RIGHT UP YOUR ALLY

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, psaki, israel, ally

The Biden administration is so busy effing things up that it's hard to keep track of them all, but special attention deserves to be called to their refusal to acknowledge Israel as an American ally. And this slight is a lot more than just words (which would be anti-semantic) because Biden still hasn't even placed a phone call to Benjamin Netanyahu to establish, or even acknowledge, a working relationship.

We're not sure, but we suspect that Biden's goal is to sabotage peace in the Middle East just to keep Trump from winning that Nobel Peace Prize.

SCHOOL DAZE

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, teachers unions, covid, schools

When Joe Biden promised to "follow the science" regarding school reopenings in the pandemic era, we should have realized he was talking about political science rather than good old fashioned science-science. Which is why he's ignoring the CDC's latest pronouncement that schools can and should be reopened safely, and instead is basing his "keep 'em closed" policy on the Teachers Unions' compelling argument that "actual work is for losers who don't make massive contributions to the Democrats."

And although Biden had promised to reopen schools as soon as the science-science allowed, Jen Psaki has now clarified that he defines successful "opening" as 50% of schools offering one day of in-class teaching a week. Considering that the numbers were already slightly better than that, it's a low bar that even Basement Biden can clear.

FROM THE PRESIDENT'S DAY VAULT: TRY THE CROW

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Clinton, presidents day

Friday, February 12, 2021

Hot Topic

No good dystopia can exist without suppression of information. Although frankly, there's not much difference between information being suppressed or simply making people too dumb to understand that information. Hence the importance of...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, fahrenheit 451, censorship, neo-fascists, democrats
Game, set, and matches.

RESISTANCE IS FRUGAL

"I think he said something about Clan MacGregor..."
These are challenging financial times, and not everyone who wants to be a glamorous member of the Top Secret Constitutionalist Resistance can afford a shortwave radio, a beret, and a trapdoor into a secret basement hideout. Fortunately, it won't cost you a darn thing (not even a new one-hundred dollar bill with Kamala Harris's picture) to grab the real history of the past 12 years before the Liberazis erase it all. Download the easy-to-read PDF files (they're large - about 500mb and 350mb) and enjoy them on your computer, your phone or tablet device, or store them on a thumb drive for future generations of patriots!

8 years of Hope n' Change Cartoons: click this link to download

4 years of Stilton's Place: click this link to download

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Frankly Speaking

As the saying goes, "those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." And so, hoping to instill some sense of the past to the airheads currently running rampant in America, we present...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, anne frank, attic, neo-fascists, democrats

BOOM TIMES

No emergency shelter can really be considered complete without a pantry full of hilarious, accurate, and forbidden news items from the past 12 years. Not only will this stockpile keep you in good health and good spirits while underground, it can also help shape the structure of whatever future society evolves after the current chaos. It's all yours absolutely free, and we encourage you to share with anyone else who you think deserves long-term survival and sanity!

8 years of Hope n' Change Cartoons: click this link to download

4 years of Stilton's Place: click this link to download

Monday, February 8, 2021

Book 'Em, Lucy!

While Stilton is taking a short hiatus and wearing Groucho glasses in an undisclosed country with no extradition treaty, please welcome our special hostess for an exciting new feature...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, 1984, fascism, democrats

AND REMEMBER...


For quite possibly a limited time only, you can still download free PDF archives of political truths and accurate history to hide from the authorities! These are large files (around 500mb and 350mb) filled with thousands of pages of commentary, cartoons, and (any day now) contraband. Act now!

8 years of Hope n' Change Cartoons: click this link to download

4 years of Stilton's Place: click this link to download

Friday, February 5, 2021

Brain Cleaner

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, reality czar, new york times, AOC, alice in wonderland

Even the New York Times ("Catching Birdcage Droppings Since 1851") concedes that our nation is currently plagued by fake news. You know, nonsense like "there were election irregularities," or "Antifa and BLM caused billions of dollars of damage last summer," or "Hunter Biden's laptop contained a metric assload of incriminating evidence against his father, not to mention numerous pictures of drug use and kinky-to-the-point-of-illegality sexual hijinks." 

Indeed, it was the NY Times which helpfully pointed out that the alleged "laptop" was just a figment of Russian imagination, and that there is no such person as Hunter Biden and hey look over there, an insurrectionist squirrel!

But while many people complain about fake news, only the NY Times has the chutzpah to demand a remedy for this scourge. And their remedy is this: "The Biden administration (needs) to put together a cross-agency task force to tackle disinformation and domestic extremism, which would be led by something like a "reality czar."

Theoretically, this Reality Czar could look at conflicting "news" stories and decide which should be allowed to circulate, and which should have their authors shot. For instance, AOC has breathlessly told and retold the story of how she was nearly killed by a screaming mob of Ted Cruz-directed murderers during the Great Washington Trump-Inspired Insurrection of 2021, while more conservative (and thus less trustworthy) news outlets are reporting that she wasn't even in the damn building.

This is where a Reality Czar could step in and make sure that no one ever hears anything that makes progressives look bad, no matter how well documented. There would be no more confusion about what news is or isn't true because, by government mandate, anything you're allowed to hear would be "true."

Or at least true enough to be useful to the powers-that-be.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, reality czar, new york times, AOC, alice in wonderland
To quote Alice, "Eat Me."
BONUS: GO TO TIME OUT, YOUNG MAN!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, staycation, weeking off
Now we know how justice went blind
Stilton, here! Barring any bigger than usual disasters in the news (what are the odds?), I'll be taking next week off to rest, recuperate, and catch up on car repairs, dryer vent cleaning, Covid vaccinations, veterinary visits, doctor visits, carpal tunnel recuperation, berating the damn cable company for removing TCM from my channel list, taking down the last of the Christmas lights, practicing meditation without screaming, spelunking in the dark and forbidding "closet of things that never get used anymore" to find Goodwill donations, changing out a dripping bidet (AKA "The Ass Blaster"), and several dozen other chores which have gone ignored since the tragic events of last Election Day.

Mostly, somewhat related to the "reality czar" story above, I want to take a few days to reassess just what the hell reality even is anymore, and reflect on how I can best interact with this strange new world while also keeping my liver and a tiny bit of sanity intact.

Odds are I'll post some little something just to keep the comments section open for you, but other than that, I'll be on a short staycation!

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Humped Day

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, o caption my caption, ladybug, kenmore, camry

Yeah, we weren't really feeling the whole "comment on the unending tsunami of horrible news" thing today, which is why we're posting our semi-frequent Hail Mary feature, "O Caption, My Caption." Something which may be happening quite a bit now that avoiding the news is an important factor for mental health.

But why, you may ask, is Busty Ross presenting the cartoon? It's because no matter how lame the reason for her appearance, Ms. Ross makes every day a little better - and don't we all need that right now?

In other less-than-exciting news:

• The Jarlsberg family pitbull, terrifyingly named "Ladybug," apparently needs a surgical procedure to repair an ACL injury in her back leg. The procedure involves cutting out part of a bone, then mending it with a steel plate and six screws. All of which is simply a preamble to this statement: how badass is a pitbull with a steel plate in her?!

• Mr. and Mrs. Jarlsberg will be getting their first vaccine shots this week (on Thursday and Friday) and hopefully will suffer no untoward consequences. Absolutely nothing has been said by authorities about showing up for the shots cold sober, so it's nice to have options.

• After months of social isolation, the Jarlsberg family is pleased to announce that on Wednesday afternoon they are hosting a small reception for The Dryer Repair Guy, followed by a viewing of the currently disabled Kenmore that's been tumbling the Jarlsbergs' undergarments since 1985.

• Yesterday, the Jarlsbergs' Toyota Camry, which is old but not as old as the ancient Kenmore dryer, spontaneously started blowing smoke out from under the hood, adding considerable excitement to an otherwise unremarkable outing. Although no official diagnosis has been made, all signs point to "it's just more fricking 2021."

Monday, February 1, 2021

Throwing Shade

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, lefty lucy, domestic terrorists, media, lies, Biden
Meet your new camp counselor

Rhetoric from the Left is getting uncomfortably "final solution-ish" lately. Which isn't surprising considering that most media outlets are now literally claiming that anyone who doesn't like Biden is a domestic terrorist.  Oh sure, you can try to convince your liberal friends (assuming you still have any) that you're nothing of the sort, but why should they believe anything a domestic terrorist says?! That's Logic 101, folks!

Of course, part of the problem may relate to the fact that the deeply divided factions in our nation can't even agree on what "terror" is anymore...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, BLM, Nobel Peace Prize, Violence, Black History Month

Frankly, in the event of a win, we're really hoping that BLM can send a large contingent of "mostly peaceful" representatives to Oslo to accept the prestigious award, set fires, and loot stores as a show of international goodwill. And to help that happen, we're more than willing to donate funds to pay for their one-way flight tickets. Heck, we'll even throw in a few extra bucks so they can buy those little bottles of booze on the airline so they can show up at the ceremony with teeny-tiny molotov cocktails.

But despite all of the rotten news lately (and we haven't even scratched the surface here), there is at least one legitimate reason for all of us to celebrate...

According to White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki, masks aren't needed when celebrating