Monday, February 12, 2018
One Rink To Rule Them All
As you're likely aware, America (and Americans) won a Winter Olympics gold medal when our own Busty Ross recently took to the ice in South Korea!
Judges in the figure skating event were initially uncertain about Busty's bold choice of music for her routine ("America, F*ck Yeah" from the movie "Team America") but were eventually won over by the fact that when it comes to figure skating, well, nobody else has a figure like Busty's.
Following her overwhelming win, Busty declared "this gold medal is not for me. It's for the people of America, for our brave men and women in the military, and especially for my friends back at Stilton's Place, without whose support I could never have come this far."
Charming humility from a woman who deserves the thanks of a grateful nation.
BONUS: MARCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
Last week, President Trump instructed his staff to prepare plans for a huge military parade which pretty much everyone thinks is a terrible idea.
And granted, spending untold millions of dollars to roll tanks and missiles down our city streets seems like a poor use of resources and a highly questionable public relations move.
But what if we could find ways to make such a parade more enjoyable?
Along with displays of jets, tanks, killer drones, and nuclear missiles, what if the parade included giant, comical helium balloons of Kim Jung Un, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Vladimir Putin, and other characters from popular journalistic fiction?
A Congressional float from which elected representatives tossed money to the crowds would surely play well, and not differ significantly from what those representatives would be doing otherwise.
In the interest of equal time, Democrats should be able to provide some floats showing off their accomplishments...assuming anyone wants to see a pajama boy float, a waving group of illegal aliens, brightly-painted gender-confused individuals with feathers and sequins adorning their genitals, a gigantic dumpster containing a year's worth of tiny corpses from Planned Parenthood, and of course a covey of black Americans being led down the street wearing the chains of the Democrat plantation.
We also think the public might enjoy the spectacle of a herd of GOP elephants marching at the rear of the parade - followed by mainstream "journalists" with shovels and garbage cans to clean up the droppings.
Failing all of that, we suggest that the funds for the parade be put entirely into reforms at our Veterans' hospitals...and let the actual parade consist entirely of those bureaucrats who have failed our wounded warriors as they're marched off to jail.
Please, please, please let us see some market recovery this week.
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 12:01 AM