Friday, October 19, 2018

Russian to Judgment

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Considering all of the sex, violence, and name-calling currently in the news, we thought it would be refreshing to present a story with a more spiritual side.

Specifically, Vladimir Putin has announced that in the event Russia suffers a nuclear attack, all of the Russians who are incinerated will go straight to Heaven. Yay!

Granted, we think his theology may be a little suspect on this particular point, as pretty much all faiths demand belief in their core tenets and require acts of redemption to get past Saint Peter (or in this case, Saint Petersburg) rather than simply dying in a spectacularly colorful way.

Still, Putin asserts that the glow-in-the-dark Russians would have been martyred, which is apparently akin to having a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. Mind you, we thought that only worked if you were martyred for your faith - but who are we to question a world leader who poisons journalists he doesn't like?


Then again, maybe Vlad got insights into a change in the eternal entrance requirements in a vision in which he was told, "After my resurrection, I have more flexibility."

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Don't Say We Didn't Warren You

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As always, you can click the cartoon for a larger view (and read the itty-bitty type above).
Well, the test results are in, and it seems that presidential wannabee Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren isn't quite the Cherokee warrior she claimed to be as a "woman of color."

Rather, her DNA showed that she might be 1/1024th Native American - which is less than most white Americans - but even that infinitesimal number might be wrong because there are no Native American DNA samples to compare hers with. So the DNA "specialist" compared those particular genes with ones found in other populations in Mexico and South America. Meaning that Warren may actually be Incan, Aztec, or Mayan and have a family history better suited to human sacrifice than running casinos.

But the important thing to take away from this DNA test is that Elizabeth Warren is so white that she makes Casper the ghost look like Kanye West.

Warren has made it clear that her presidential ambitions mean we'll be seeing a lot of her in the future, which makes us think that this is a good time to revisit the past. To that end, enjoy this short retrospective of cartoons...

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We can't really resist commenting about a judge's decision to throw out Stormy Daniels' defamation case against President Trump...and his order that she pay all of his legal expenses in the case as a deterrent to frivolous suits brought by skeezy lawyers like Michael Avenatti. 

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We still think he banged her, though.

Monday, October 15, 2018

Witch Way Did They Go

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No, that isn't Hillary - though she gets that a lot.
While most things in America seem to be improving under the Tump administration, these are desperately hard times for satirists. How in the world are we supposed to come up with stories more ridiculous than those actually being presented as news?

As an October-appropriate example, the laughingly liberal Huffington Post is reporting that dozens of witches will gather in New York City a few days from now to put a hex on Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. The ceremony will include photos and effigies of Kavanaugh as well as graveyard dirt and coffin nails so everyone will know that the hex maniacs are taking this thing seriously.

The harpies see this as a "radical act of resistance," which they are doing entirely for the benefit of the "oppressed, downtrodden and marginalized." So it is merely coincidental that these politically woke witches have sold $10 tickets to as many as a thousand people to attend the ritual, even though their venue, "Catland," will only hold 60.

Not that the witches will keep all the money. They plan to give 25% of the take to an LGBTQ center for homeless youth, which probably isn't a bad thing, and another 25% to the cackling cauldron-stirrers at Planned Parenthood, a group which is more hellish than any coven could ever hope to be.

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Friday, October 12, 2018

Brutality is in the Eye of E. Holder

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And of course, Holder's armed New Black Panther pals will handle the polling places.
Enraged by the fact that Donald Trump is, in fact, "winning" on the national and international stages, and doing more for America's minority communities than Obama accomplished in 8 years, top Democrats have been hard pressed to come up with a rebuttal to this administration's remarkable success. But at last, they've found something: increasing calls for physical violence against anyone who opposes their racist, sexist, and socialist policies.

And the calls for violence aren't just coming from the meth-using, basement-dwelling, Antifa minions who get a weekly allowance from George Soros (and, probably, their long-suffering parents). No, the bloodlusting battle cries are coming from top Democrats.

Eric Holder, the sleazy law-breaking bag man for Barack Obama who helped destroy the credibility of the Department of Justice, just issued a statement in which he declared that "Michelle Obama says when (Republicans) go low, we go high. No! NO! When they go low we KICK them!"

Hillary Clinton, who once swore to accept the results of the election in which Donald Trump kicked her fanny, just declared "You cannot be civil with a political party that wants to destroy what you stand for, what you care about. That's why I believe if we are fortunate enough to win back the House and or the Senate, that's when civility can start again. But until then the only thing Republicans seem to recognize and respect is strength."

Hang on - we're pretty sure that there's a word that distills that whole thought. "Strength" applied in a way that lacks "civility"...  Oh yeah, now we remember! That word is violence.

And let's not forget Mad Maxine Waters, who helped pour gasoline on this anti-American fire by saying "If you see anyone from the Cabinet in a restaurant, a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and create a crowd! And you push back on them! And you tell them they're not welcome anymore, anywhere!" Except, perhaps, the death camps that Maxine and her chums seemingly have in mind for citizens who won't do what they're told.

This is in no way amusing, because it's pushing our nation to a very dangerous place. Not that you'd know it from the mainstream media, which has now undertaken a concerted and coordinated effort to say that violent Leftist mobs aren't really "mobs" at all - they're just groups of concerned citizens who are expressing their first amendment rights by kicking people in their faces, beating cars with truncheons, harassing family homes, and - when things get a bit boring - setting things on fire.

It seems inevitable that blood will eventually be shed - and that's just what Holder, Hillary, Maxine, and the rest of their ilk want. In victimhood there is why not push impressionable kids into acts so dangerous that a few may get shot while assaulting right wing Nazis?

That scenario is quite literally the Leftists' wet dream. And they're bothered not at all by whose blood will be providing the moisture.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Crawl of the Riled

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The illustration above pretty neatly captures what we're dealing with today. Our hands are poised at the keyboard, but when it comes to tapping out some playful political musings, they're moving very, very slowly. Imperceptibly, even.

Truthfully, we've still got a bit of burnout from the ups and downs of the Kavanaugh confirmation debacle, though we were pleased to see today that Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh is on the bench and on the job, hearing arguments and raising questions. This is as it should be.

There's plenty of ongoing drama and rampant stupidity related to this that we could talk about (like the pierced, pink-haired, and suddenly jobless school teacher who thought it was a smart idea to tweet "Kill Kavanaugh") but we'd prefer to treat this as a time of relative silence and healing. There's only so much of this stuff we can expose ourselves to until something bursts in our noggin.

And that's not just hyperbole! A team of Italian researchers has been examining the remains of Romans who were killed when Mt. Vesuvius erupted in 79 AD, and discovered that the sudden exposure to superheated air actually caused brains to boil with such ferocity that skulls started exploding like small bombs.

We're not absolutely sure that the hot air produced by the Leftists and their media cohorts reaches quite those searing temperatures, but we're not in the mood to put our little grey cells at risk today.

But as long as we're all here anyway, how about an eye-pleasing farewell to the Kavanaugh saga...?


Beer-drinking aliens who wanted to probe her hippocampus!

Monday, October 8, 2018

It Only Hurts When I Adjudicate

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The nightmarish Kavanaugh hearings are over, Brett Kavanaugh has finally been confirmed and was immediately sworn in as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court.

So why aren't we feeling happier? After all, we won and the Left lost, right? Right...?

Well, maybe not. Oh sure, we got a great jurist on the Supreme Court, but that should have been a given with broad bipartisan support (as has traditionally been the case). We only got what was expected and, considering Kavanaugh's remarkable qualifications, more or less inevitable.

But what did the Left gain from all of this? Sadly, one heck of a lot. For starters, they permanently stained the good name and reputation of Brett Kavanaugh, who now begins a lifetime of being called "Rapey McRapeface" and being screamed at in public places. The Democrats have additionally sullied the perceived legitimacy of the Supreme Court itself, as well as insuring that in the future no sane person will submit to a similar character-destroying gauntlet for the "privilege" of doing public service.

On top of that, the feigned outrage displayed by the Democrats over allegations even they don't believe is generating millions of dollars in campaign contributions from sheeple who have more dollars than sense.

But wait, there's more! Utterly bereft of actual ideas for the betterment of our nation, the Democrat machine runs on inspiring fear, hatred, and division in their simple-minded, hyper-emotional electorate. And they've hit the motherlode with their Salem witch trial against Justice Kavanaugh. Men are bad! White people are despicable! And people who think it's even possible for a woman to lie or get facts wrong are Nazier Nazis than the original Nazis.

The Left is telling the dimmest of their followers (and their number is legion) that those on the Right don't listen to women. But we did - and bent over backwards to make Dr. Ford feel comfortable and unthreatened while she delivered every jot and tittle of her "recovered memories" testimony. And then, we listened to other Ford's lifelong friend Leland Keyser who, rather than being a witness for Dr. Ford, asserted that she had no memory of the alleged party, nor of ever meeting Brett Kavanaugh. And this despite heavy pressure to change her story to one less truthful.

Another woman we listened to was Rachel Mitchell, an Arizona sex crimes prosecutor who, presumably, is against sex crimes. She asked Dr. Ford a number of basic questions, gently and respectfully...and concluded that her story had unacceptable inconsistencies.

Democrats chose not to listen to those women, preferring instead to evangelize for a purge by fire of all men, white people, and Republicans in the November midterms.

And they are delighted with their Machiavellian mendacity, and have given not a thought to the destruction of the lives of both Justice Kavanaugh and the likely psychologically challenged Dr. Ford.

Still, even though we're feeling more melancholy than joy at the moment, there is a deeper and more profound feeling of satisfaction that we'd be remiss not to mention. Specifically, the knowledge that the Supreme Court has just taken a huge and hopefully long-lasting step to again become a moderate body which doesn't make laws, but rather carefully weighs the constitutionality of the laws brought before it.

That's huge - and we hope this truth burns those on the Left like Holy Water splashed on those who are demon possessed. Which, frankly, we think is pretty likely to be the case here.

Friday, October 5, 2018

Give Us This Day Our Daily Brett

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We'll freely admit the obvious: we don't have anything new to say about the Kavanaugh confirmation fiasco, other than that we hope it will be over soon.

Well that's not entirely true; what we really hope is that Kavanaugh's confirmation by the full senate will happen soon (perhaps Saturday), and that this result will be shoved forcefully up the Democrats' rectal regions sideways, sans lube (we'll make an exception for Ben-Gay), and then given a half-twist.

We further hope that Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh won't be a "forgive and forget" kind of guy, and will instead routinely end his legal opinions with large, bold, blood-colored lettering stating "Vengeance is mine!"

When the final vote comes Senators won't actually be voting for or against Kavanaugh as much as they're voting for or against complete anarchy and the end of due process. That's a verdict that should be of concern to every American.

Currently, it's being reported that the new FBI probe demanded by the Democrats has turned up absolutely nothing to indicate that Brett Kavanaugh was anything other than a typical (albeit high-performing) beer-drinking college student who then evolved into a remarkable human being of the highest standards imaginable. A gentleman, a scholar, and a demonstrable and lauded champion of women for decades.

We've had our fill of watching the Dems and the Leftist media casting stones at this good man. Now, we have to see if the Republicans have the stones to finally do the right thing.

Wednesday, October 3, 2018


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Democrats have likened the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation process to a "job interview," but it's increasingly clear that - unless he's seated on the Supreme Court - the actual outcome will be more like career suicide.

As a case in point, it was recently announced that Judge Kavanaugh will not be teaching his "Recent History of the Supreme Court" class at Harvard next year, despite the face that no one on Earth could possibly be more expert on that particular topic just now.

It's unclear whether Kavanaugh simply didn't feel he could commit to the class, whether officials at Harvard dumped him, or whether this is the result of a letter damning Kavanaugh signed by over 860 Harvard Law School graduates.

Which presents us with a highly troubling question: how could Harvard Law School have so many graduates who obviously don't know diddly-squat about the law?

Nope, these abysmal morons have convicted and sentenced Kavanaugh solely on the basis of what he has been accused of with no evidence in support of that accusation. And if that's the new standard for finding guilt "beyond a shadow of a doubt," then why the hell do we need lawyers at all? Harvard Law School might be wise to update their program and dispense entirely with the teaching of law in favor of teaching students the correct way to swing a headman's axe.

But frankly, even Harvard is falling behind the zealotry zeitgeist here - as is ably demonstrated by what we're hearing from the more progressive Georgetown University. There, associate professor Dr. Carol Christine Fair (ha!) tweeted about GOP members of the Senate Judiciary Committee, "All of them deserve miserable deaths while feminists laugh as they take their last gasps. Bonus: we castrate their corpses and feed them to swine."

We would call Dr. Fair a hateful, racist, sexist sociopath but, in absolute fairness, it sounds like this might just be that special "time of the month" when she can't control her faculties.

Too bad that Georgetown can't either.


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Actual photo of Kavanaugh taken by Matthew Brady.
Many on the Left have been demanding to know why Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation is being "rushed through," despite the fact that the amount of time has been absolutely typical of all such hearings, whether the nominee comes from a Democrat or Republican President.

But it now appears that the GOP actually did want to get Kavanaugh confirmed before his Terrible Secret could be revealed. And now it's too late.

A serious and credible accusation has been made that in 1985, college student Kavanaugh was drinking beer in a bar with friends when heated words were exchanged with another patron, whereupon Kavanaugh, with premeditation and malice aforethought, may (or may not) have thrown a piece of ice at his opponent.

Oh sure, ice may not sound like a big deal at first, but it was a pretty big damn deal to those on the Titanic. And as anyone who has watched "A Christmas Story" several dozen times knows, a falling icicle can put your eye out.

Some may claim that Kavanaugh is now a changed man, and point to the fact that he hasn't been accused of throwing ice at anyone in recent years. But how could he, even if he wanted to? As Al Gore so accurately predicted, global warming caused the last piece of ice on Earth to melt back in 1993. Kavanaugh may still be a sociopathic ice-flinging maniac who has simply run out of ammunition but still has stockpiles of deep-seated beer-triggered aggression waiting to explode. Imagine the carnage he could cause to the other members of the Supreme Court if he gets his hands on an assault Slurpee.

Then again, it might actually be a good way to occasionally wake up Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Monday, October 1, 2018

House Arrest

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Sometime later this week, we can confidently predict that Democrats and the media will be howling in anger at the inconclusive results of a weeklong FBI investigation into what may or may not have happened during a two minute period behind a closed bedroom door in an unknown house on an unknown day, month, and year, with no witnesses, approximately 36 years ago.

Unless the FBI gets access to a time-traveling DeLorean, there's simply no way they can find out anything new. Not that the Democrats actually care. Their attitude, to paraphrase Doc Brown, is "Where we're going, we don't need evidence."

To put matters in sad perspective, today is the one year anniversary of the nightmarish Las Vegas shootings that killed 58 people and injured hundreds of others. It was the largest mass murder in U.S. history. The FBI has now had a year to investigate what happened in a bedroom that became a sniper's perch. They've been able to draw on their own investigators and labs, the Mandalay Bay resort's security personnel and apparatus, multiple closed circuit cameras recording videos before and at the time of the event, and the statements of countless witnesses.

And they've come up with nothing to explain how and why this bloodbath occurred. What happened in that bedroom remains a mystery.

This being the case, it strains credulity to think that, given seven days, even the FBI can somehow divine the truth of a brief alleged bedroom humping from decades ago.

Of course, even if the FBI could produce absolute proof that Brett Kavanaugh is 100% innocent of all accusations, it wouldn't change a single senate Democrat's vote against his confirmation. Because this dissection of a good man isn't really about Kavanaugh at all. It's about protecting the Left's "right" to continue dissecting unborn children without any pesky legal restraints.

We don't know yet how this will play out, but we do have to acknowledge that the Democrats have worked tirelessly to ruin Kavanaugh's good name. They have worked so hard, in fact, that we think they deserve some time off from public life when all this is over.

Another 36 years feels about right.