Since the news already makes us feel like we're living in The Twilight Zone, we're turning over today's commentary to The Mystic Seer, who made a notable appearance on Rod Serling's show in which the demonic machine predicted (or perhaps caused) future events in return for a penny - dispensing small cards with the often cryptic answers to increasingly disturbing yes-or-no questions.
That's credibility enough for us! So after getting change for a bright, shiny dime, here are the ten questions we asked The Mystic Seer...
Q: Is Biden's 32 point lead over Bernie Sanders accurate?
Mystic Seer: I fail to give a damn, but thanks for the penny.
Q: Does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez really not know what a garbage disposal is?
Mystic Seer: The answer is unclear. Try telling her it's a fingernail clipper.
Q: Mayor Pete Buttigieg says America was never great. Is he right?
Mystic Seer: One sees little with his head up his ass. Or anyone else's.
Q: 57% of Democrats believe Trump is guilty of treason. Can their minds be changed?
Mystic Seer: You can't change what doesn't exist.
Q: Is Iran behind the recent rocket attacks on Israel?
Mystic Seer: Was a giant pallet of cash and free rein on nuclear weapons' development bad U.S. policy?
Q: Will we ever hear from Stormy Daniels again?
Mystic Seer: Perhaps in a dark alley.
Q: What will be the prison nickname for James Comey?
Mystic Seer: That's not a yes-or-no question, but his nickname will rhyme with "Gummi."
Q: If you know all the answers, could you beat James Holzhauer on "Jeopardy?"
Mystic Seer: Yes, like a red-headed stepchild.
Q: Will Donald Trump ever be successfully impeached?
Mystic Seer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No.
Q: Have you seen "Avengers: Endgame" yet?
Mystic Seer: I again fail to give a damn, but thanks for your last penny.
And as always, the Mystic Seer was right! Also, in case it wasn't already screamingly obvious, there was nothing in the news we wanted to talk about today but we just can't stand presenting you with a blank page and a shrug of the shoulders. So feel free to jumpstart some scintillating conversation in the comments. Favorite Twilight Zone episodes, anyone...?
|This one still scares the living crap out of us. Really.|