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Monday, October 14, 2019

Holiday Put On Ice

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"Columbus Day" is now widely called "Indigenous Peoples Day," and even more widely called "White Shame Day" because so few people can spell indigenous. In celebration of the day, liberal scolds will berate their fellow citizens for the unforgivable sin of stealing the heritage of native Americans...after which those same scolds will hurry off to an Elizabeth Warren rally.

Which shouldn't come as any surprise - after all, "Indignant-est People Day" is all about hypocrisy...

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BONUS: DASHES TO ASHES

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, tlaib, jail, trump, impeachment, fascism, garamendi

Just to make sure no one forgets their enthusiasm for fascism, House democrats like John Garamendi and Rashida Tlaib are now actively planning the logistics of grabbing "uncooperative" members of the Trump administration and throwing them into the House jail if they don't help with the ongoing coup attempt.

The existence of this mysterious prison was confirmed last May by Nancy Pelosi, who said "We do have a little jail in the basement of the Capitol, but if we were arresting all of the people in the administration, we would have an overcrowded jail situation. And I'm not for that."

Note that she's not against clapping her political enemies in jail without due process...she's just against overcrowding. Which may not be a problem depending on just what comes out of the nozzles in the shower room.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Fighting Fire with Firepower

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, impeachment, news, media, lies, democrats

Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal has accurately labeled the current impeachment battle "World War Trump," and there's no way we can improve on that description...or deny it. Wars are messy things, and a lot of people and institutions get hurt. Collateral damage can be high. And all of the above is exactly what the Leftist politicians and media want.

President Trump has made it clear that he's not going to just roll over and assist the Democrats with their latest coup attempt. This fight is going to the courts and, quite possibly, the streets.

We're sick of it. This isn't what we want to write about or to live with. But neither can we ignore an absolutely unprecedented situation in which an attempted Presidential overthrow is being staged right in front of us.

And just try averting your eyes...you can't. Our culture is now experiencing a saturation bombing campaign of entirely specious non-stop messages about Trump being some kind of monster. Fox News and the Drudge Report have now largely fallen into lock step with the rest of mainstream media, which only adds to our sense of frustration and isolation.

We're not calling out these "news" sources because they're reporting stories we don't like, we're calling them out because their stories are all overhyped spin and bullshit. No wonder polls are showing growing support for the removal of the President - people are being force fed lies on a 24/7 basis. Without taking the initiative to dig deeper into stories or (God help us) actually use their heads, it's unsurprising that so many are coming to believe the relentless propaganda.

Make no mistake, this is much more than a skirmish over a President. It's a battle about the very nature of our Constitution, our freedoms, our way of life, and whether or not elections will ever again mean a damn in this country. The fact that those outcomes are currently unclear underscores what a perilous and historic point we're at.

There's simply no escaping "World War Trump," although we have a fantasy about a place safe from fake news, social media, and the ambitions of those who mean our nation harm. Some place to enjoy a little sanity until the fallout clears...

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And please, slap them hard. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

You're Getting Warmer

We're still sick of the impeachment story (although it's really heating up), we don't know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria, and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined "STUDY: Farmers Have The Most Sex," we didn't think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well, we could - but we'd take a sleazy approach and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

So in the interest of filling space, we're presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007: "100 Good Things About Global Warming." She turned it down immediately, said that the subject wasn't funny, shouldn't be joked about, and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops!

Frankly, we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated, sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it, and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, global warming, climate change, book, 100 good things
Back in 2007, it wasn't "climate change" yet.
• Penguins discover that when they're not shivering, they can fly after all.

• Kids can lay on their backs and make "dead grass angels" in the yard.

• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.

• Iceland will be renamed simply "Land."

• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.

• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.

• Never again hear the phrase: "Your food is getting cold."

• Eskimos' 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word "puddle."

• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.


• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.

• Santa's elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.

• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they've been "meaning to get to."

• "Seeing your breath" becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.

• New holiday TV specials like "The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas."

• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those "buried in paperwork."

• Never wince again when someone says "Ant-ar-tic" instead of "Ant-arc-tic."

• Hottentots will simply be called "Tots."

• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan "It's Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts."

• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.

• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.

• "Baked Alaska" promoted from dessert to state motto.


...and on and on and on. Yes, there really are 100 of these entries and now that we're reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all, it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left...and that would be the best "good thing about global warming" of all!

Note: All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg. 

Never steal things from a crazy man.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Punch & Judas Show

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The Drudge Report now informs us in giant red letters that a "2ND WHISTLEBLOWER COMES FORWARD," which pretty much proves...well...nothing at all. Because we already know that none of this stupid non-impeachment "impeachment process" is legitimate.

For all we know, and with memory of the Kavanaugh hearings still stuck in our craw, this new "whistleblower" may be claiming to have seen a youthful President Trump spiking punch bowls at parties, after which he steered helpless, drugged heads of state into a bedroom where he forced them to say dirty things about Joe Biden.

And we...don't...care.

The funny thing about credibility, as the Left has failed to notice, is that once it's gone you can't get it back. Which is why no number of Democrat-coached "whistleblowers" can impress us at this point... nor can they make us spend any more time blogging about it than we want to. Which ain't much.

Nope - the needle hasn't budged.
BONUS...

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In all seriousness, we're glad to see Bernie Sanders out of the hospital and apparently feeling better. We don't like his socialist fantasies, but we actually think he has more integrity (in a very tortured sense of the word) than many of his Democrat rivals. And he's way more hilarious to watch!

While we wish him no political success whatsoever, we wish the man himself well.

Friday, October 4, 2019

Phuket Friday

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, phuket, festival, piercing, religion, trump, impeachmentWith all of the aggravating news lately, we thought that it would be a good idea to devote today's blog to something more positive, uplifting, and spiritual. We're speaking, of course, about the 2019 Phuket Vegetarian Festival which is happening right now in Thailand. If you hurry, you can still catch it!

Among the various non-meat-eating events at the Festival, a particular crowd-pleaser sees celebrants parading through the streets with a variety of surprising objects jammed through their cheeks and mouths. While this may seem strange to Western eyes, there's actually a good reason for these ritualistic piercings: by impaling themselves, the worshippers draw bad luck away from the rest of the townspeople. Don't laugh - they think we're idiots for believing we can change the weather by making plastic straws taboo.
This joyful celebration reminds us of the rich variety of cultures across the globe, absolutely none of which are inferior to our own in any way, at least when it comes to sideshow-type entertainment value. And with that thought in mind, we'd like to see this colorful celebration imported to the United States. Specifically, we'd like to see it adopted by the many politicians and media types who are currently trying to overthrow the Presidency. Hey, their mouths are already wide open - and we'll happily chip in to help buy them scimitars, knitting needles, hand saws, harpoons, and post hole diggers!We're so enthusiastic about the idea that, every time we hear another fake news report or lying politician we loudly shout "Phuket!" at the television screen. Just ask our neighbors.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Hi Way to Hell

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He's also alleged to have dated a porn star named Misty Meener.
Remember Monday, when we said we don't really want to spend a lot of time hashing over the ongoing minutiae of the "impeachment" crap? Well, we weren't kidding. So here's a cartoon, and the Democrats and the media can go screw themselves. What we lack in subtlety, we make up for in brevity!

Meanwhile, with a sudden uptick in public appearances by Hillary Clinton, we're getting an uncomfortable feeling that - as we've predicted all along - the old biddy really might be preparing for a deus ex machina entrance into the 2020 Presidential race. She will claim that she's the only one who can beat Trump because "I did it once before!" (Note: we made that quote up, but we'd bet good money that you'll be hearing it from her withered lips before long).

With these thoughts in mind, and because Halloween decorating has entered our thoughts (hey, it's October!), we've created a singularly creepy piece of art that we call "waiting in the shadows"...

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Download a high-rez, printable version of this picture for Halloween by clicking this link!
As Count Floyd would say, "That's real scary, boys and girls! Ah-wooooo!"

Of course, the person who should be most scared of Hillary right now is the alleged "whistleblower" at the heart of the latest Trump coup attempt. Why? Because the actual accusations against the President won't hold water, but it would look pretty bad for Trump if the whistleblower suddenly had an "accident" of the kind that Hillary can probably arrange in her sleep by now.

Think about it: the whistleblower's statement is already on record, but a dead whistleblower can't be called before investigating committees or be forced to reveal the names of leakers and conspirators. It's a Democrat dream come true!

Such an event would cast just enough suspicion on Trump (with a big push from the media) that he would likely be unelectable. But could such a thing really happen? Well, it's already being reported that the whistleblower is under "federal protection" out of assassination fears...which sounds like journalistic "priming the pump" for a murder scenario which may have already been scripted.

Mind you, this is all wild ass speculation on our part...but anyone who isn't experiencing a bit of paranoia at this point just isn't paying attention.