The Jarlsberg Diaries: Weekly World News

Today we're introducing a new and totally unrequested feature called "The Jarlsberg Diaries," in which we take you for an exciting (and true!) behind-the-scenes look into the colorful life of Stilton Jarlsberg. Fair warning: you may be seeing a lot of this feature in the near future if the stupid Trump/Russia story continues to top the (ahem) "news."

See that story about the severed leg? We actually wrote that, years ago, and it really appeared in the Weekly World News - arguably the greatest provider of fake news ever, although CNN is currently giving them a real run for their money.

We worked editorially with Weekly World News for only a short time; it was a dream job, but sadly there were contractual issues which couldn't be resolved - making us long for a cover story saying "BAT BOY DEVOURS LAWYERS - Receives Thanks Of Grateful Nation."

But just for fun, here's a sampling of some stories we submitted which never made print, but would have looked great with bold-faced caps and lurid illustrations at the supermarket checkout lanes...

ANTS ALREADY RULE THE EARTH

And Our Government Works For Them!

"IT'S HUMAN SKIN!"

Mona Lisa Art World Shocker!

CANNIBAL EATS COURTROOM JUDGE
After Judge Rules It Legal!

TWO-TON TODDLER IS TEETER-TOTTER TERROR!

ALPHABET TO GET NEW LETTER

And You Don't Say It With Your Mouth!

CENTIPEDE BOY NEEDS YOUR SHOES

BONELESS BABY GOES DOWN THE DRAIN
Found Safe & Sound At Local Beach!

SWISS ARMY TAKES ON TERRORISTS
With Pocketknife Tweezers And Tiny Scissors

SKATEBOARDING GRANNY BREAKS SOUND BARRIER!

WOMAN DONATES BUTTOCKS

To Flat-Chested Sister

ELEVATOR HELL: BLIND NUN TRAPPED WITH BOXING KANGAROO!

HOWLER MONKEY IS NEWEST RAP STAR

LEMON LOVER'S FACE IMPLODES!

IRS DEMANDS NUDE PHOTOS OF EVERY TAXPAYER

And It's The Law!

And finally...

BONUS: AN UNKIND CRACK

See that itty-bitty picture in the top right of the Hitler Baby cover? Here it is full-sized. We don't actually have that much against Chris Christie, but considering the conniption fits the Left is having over a slab of ice it just seemed like a fun image.

Incredibility Gap

We're not delving deeply into the latest developments of this cockeyed non-story, but we just thought it was worth mentioning that Natalia Veselnitskaya, the Russian attorney with whom Donald Trump Jr. briefly met, must have been living in a Siberian cave for the last couple of decades if she wasn't able to offer up some plausible dirt on Hillary.

Seriously, if we'd met with Trump Jr, we could have talked for hours about Hillary's myriad scandals and misdeeds. The fact that Veselnitskaya couldn't and didn't only lends additional credibility to the idea that she was more likely an operative representing Loretta Lynch and Barack Obama than Vladimir Putin.

BONUS: MIND IN THE GUTTER

First things first: we're not making a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics. We have good friends who are participants and we've celebrated their impressive accomplishments.

We're not even making a joke about Michelle Obama, who was at the Espy Awards presenting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award to the late Eunice Kennedy Shriver in honor of the work she did in founding the Special Olympics and working with those who have special needs. The former first lady did a fine job, and the cause was deserving.

What we are having a bit of trouble with is again associating the Obama name with the Special Olympics after Barack, that smug and smarmy SOB, once likened his bowling ability to that of Special Olympics participants as a cheap shot to get laughs.

Not a major story, certainly - but as we head into the weekend, isn't it nice to appreciate the fact that neither Hillary nor Barry is in the White House these days?

Deliberate Pravda-cation

Did you know you can click on the cartoons for a larger view? You're welcome.

Don't worry - even though Busty looks like a cuddlesome Cossack, she's as patriotic as ever. And we think she may be on to something with this new look...

Clearly the Left is never going to let go of the assertion that Donald Trump somehow conspired with the evil Russians to steal the election from Saint Hillary. And it's driving them crazy that they can't prove it (and never will). But as long as the idea upsets them so much, shouldn't we all be doing our part to help feed their paranoia and frustration until it reaches the absolute breaking point?

If you're a known Trump supporter being surveilled by your liberal friends and coworkers, this can be as easy as giving your wardrobe a Moscow makeover, riding to work bare-chested on a stallion, keeping a bottle of vodka on your desk, and wishing everyone a cheery "do svidanya" when leaving the room.

Look around suspiciously before using the copy machine. Frequently pretend to check your lamps, chairs, computers, and framed pictures for electronic bugs. When speaking on the phone, use "da" and "nyet" instead of "yes" and "no."

Better still, let liberals overhear you talking to another conservative friend while overemphasizing suspicious code words:

• "I don't know why I haven't gotten a raise yet; the boss is really STALIN."
• "My favorite Beatle? Gosh, that would be LENIN."
• "Must be a lot of pollen today - I've been HACKING and HACKING."
• "Remember that song from Young Frankenstein? PUTIN on the Ritz?"
• "Pardon me while I go to the bathroom. For a LEAK from an undisclosed source."

It's all good, clean fun and a great way of giving your liberal acquaintances some food for thought. And by "food for thought" we mean, of course, aneurysms.