Friday, August 17, 2018

What's a Joint Like You Doing in a Nice Girl Like This?

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"You said a mouthful, honey!"
While not the biggest story currently in the public eye, we were drawn to today's topic because it serves as such an effective reminder of what kind of chaos we'd be experiencing on a daily basis if Hillary Clinton had successfully stolen the Presidency.

In this case, an 11-year-old girl in Baltimore who was inspired by Colin Kaepernick decided to "take the knee" during the Pledge of Allegiance to protest racism (she's white) and sexism (there are no 11-year-old female CEOs) and was told by her teacher that she had to stand. Heroically, the girl responded with tears, hysteria, a memorized recitation of the Supreme Court's "Tinker v. Des Moines" ruling, and an outreach to the local ACLU. You know, the way kids have always done.

Hillary, having nothing better to do with her time these days than encourage tiny little drama queens, tweeted "It takes courage to exercise your right to protest injustice, especially when you're 11! Keep up the good work!"

The Baltimore County Public Schools and the ACLU are now debating how best to deal with students "taking the knee" in protest, and it looks like school kids will likely be allowed - if not actively encouraged - to disrespect the Pledge from now on.

But we can't help but wonder how the school and ACLU will feel the first time a kid in an American flag t-shirt takes the knee to protest the Left's totally unfounded persecution of Trump? Or what if a kid chooses to bend a knee in protest of the illegal immigration which is changing our school systems? Or if we really want to see heads explode, let's watch what happens when a kid kneels to protest the injustice of attacks on 2nd Amendment rights?

Let us be clear: students don't lose their 1st Amendment rights when they enter a school, but that doesn't mean the school can't dictate the proper time, place, and form that expressions of political opinion should take place in order to minimize disruption and maintain appropriate discipline (which is already in short supply in too many school systems).

We'd say that we're disappointed in Hillary's encouragement of this nonsense, but in truth we're not even surprised. This is, after all, a woman who has never taken an actual stand for America...and who can't keep from falling to her knees unless her arms are supported by Secret Service agents.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

And Now a Word from our Sponsor

Today's edition of Stilton's Place is brought to you by Clan MacGregor Scotch ("So Inexpensive and Almost Drinkable") because we couldn't actually face the day's news without first knocking back enough of this stuff to get our sense of humor back...

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"The Archduke of flammable liquids"
We're not even kidding about needing a healthy snort as we cracked our knuckles at the keyboard. And who can blame us with lead stories like this one...?

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For a small additional price, you can add nitrous oxide!
Almost unbelievably in a world filled with genuine problems, the big story is apparently a Twitter feud between a former reality show host and a former reality show contestant, both of whom are showing themselves to be spectacularly low-class boobs.

As we understand it, a woman named Omarosa (named after the ranch where the Cartwrights lived in the TV series "Bonanza") was fired from the White House for multiple violations of security protocol, and is now trying to sell an autobiography by claiming that she heard (but can't prove) Trump say the dreaded n-word on a tape back when they were both entertainment media whores rather than political media whores.

Trump has responded with more of his infamous tweets, including this one: "When you give a crazed, crying lowlife a break, and give her a job at the White House, I guess it just didn't work out. Good work by General Kelly for quickly firing that dog!"

Omarosa is widely considered to be a pathological liar, but we can't honestly take any pleasure from a smackdown tweet which was too clearly written by an impulsive moron. (Note: views expressed while under the influence of alcohol may not represent the views of the management when cold sober, assuming that ever happens again).

Has Trump ever used the n-word in a bad way? We don't know and, frankly, we don't care just as long as his policies are fair to everyone (and so far, they seem to be). We hired Trump to get a very dirty job done, and were willing to overlook a lot of his (ahem) colorful qualities in the process. And we still feel that way.

Because the only other alternative was going to be more corruption dragging our country down. Corruption well represented by the subject of our next offering...

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Disgraced FBI agent, wife-cheater, and all-around duplicitous a**hole Peter Strzok was recently fired from his position for a few minor infractions like completely stonewalling the Hillary Clinton investigation, and attempting a behind-the-scenes coups of President Donald Trump. All of which sounds like he should be dealing with a wall and a blindfold rather than the inconvenience of filing for unemployment benefits.

And he may not even be doing that, owing to a "Go Fund Me" campaign designed to slip greenbacks into the pocket of "a proud husband and father, a veteran of the US Army and counterintelligence Special Agent who spent more than two decades in a job he loved at the FBI."  Granted, it was time spent subverting justice and screwing the American people. But still, two decades is two decades. Or, according to the President, fourteen decades in Omarosa years.

Which is why Strzok's money grab has generated nearly $350,000 online at the time of this writing. Which isn't surprising. $5 from Bill in Seattle, $15 from Judy in Boston, $250,000 from Hillary in all adds up!

But even with the dreadful news stories above, we still pride ourselves on maintaining our glass half full attitude. Although at this very moment, our freaking glass is we need to splash a little more Clan MacGregor on the rocks. Or, if we're really ambitious, ice cubes.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Fake News and the Horse They Rode In On

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, 100 papers, fake news, editorials, advertising, spin

You can expect to see a lot of editorials like the one shown above on Thursday, August 16 (not that they're hard to find any other day) when over 100 newspapers have announced plans to simultaneously publish editorials attacking President Trump for suggesting that they lack integrity and (ahem) independence of thought.

Specifically, they're sick of being called "fake news" just because they publish stories which aren't even remotely true, and additionally incensed that Trump has declared that news organizations which knowingly lie to America's voters are "enemies of the people" because they're attempting to (ahem) meddle in our theoretically sacred voting process.

In this case, we completely agree with Trump. Mind you, neither we nor Trump is saying that every reporter and/or news outlet is like that. But the majority? Well, sadly...yeah.

And while some Fake News really does depend on inventing outright falsehoods (like any story that mentions piss, prostitutes, and Putin), most of it consists of playing sleazy word games to suggest and insinuate things which sound plausible but aren't true at all.

Calling it "spin" may sound cute, but it won't keep you from throwing up if you're spun hard enough and long enough.

Which is why we're going to digress at this point (bear with us - this will take awhile) and share an idea we've had for a long time. One which we'd actually like to see put into place somehow.

As backstory, we'll note that we worked professionally in the advertising industry for decades, and learned a lot about how to make anything - even a product's shortcomings - sound good. All without lying, but with careful word choices to suggest and insinuate. And of course the process works equally well in the other direction - you can make something great sound absolutely awful without lying as long as you're good at spin and misdirection.

First, let's make something bad sound good. How about "circus peanuts" - those bizarre, chalky foam candies that are shaped like a giant peanut, but colored orange, and flavored with banana? They're horrible, right? But what if we told you - truthfully - that they're "more fun than the Barnum & Bailey circus," "99% natural," "super for quick energy," "a great choice for healthy eaters," and "may aid in weight loss?"

But what are the facts behind those implications?
• They're more fun than the circus because that circus has gone out of business.
• They're 99% natural because they're 99% sugar...and 1% toxic chemicals from Hell.
• "Super for quick energy" translates to giving you a blood sugar "spike," which you'll soon crash from.
• "A great choice for healthy eaters" because unhealthy eaters - or diabetics - could be killed outright by these suckers.
• "May aid in weight loss," or may not. Because "may" is a magic weasel word.

Turning good to bad without lying is just as easy. If Trump invented a cure for cancer, here's what the media might say:
• Trump drug to put thousands of specialists out of work.
• Social Security in financial turmoil as Trump drug causes millions to live longer than expected.
• Trump drug was tested on adorable animals who could have gone to petting zoos.
• Despite praise, Trump drug still does nothing to curb gun violence.

See how the game works? Which finally brings us to our actual idea: we'd like to design a class for school kids in which they learn all of this - how to recognize it ("circle the weasel words in this paragraph") and how to do it themselves ("Find 10 good things to say about a maggot infested wound"). Our goal would NOT be to create more and better liars, but rather to teach kids a new way to look at the information being crammed down their throats.

Mind you, adults could benefit from the same training, but we think more good could be accomplished by letting kids know the actual rules of the persuasion, dissuasion, and misrepresentation game as early as possible.

Because if they're going to live in a media-saturated world, their best defense against "fake news" is going to be real and conscientious skepticism.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Butt Weight, There's Moore!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, michael moore, fahrenheit 11/9

As if there wasn't enough nail-biting uncertainty about the mid-term elections already, another potentially disruptive event has been announced: in September, documentarian Michael "Where's the craft service table?" Moore will be releasing his latest cinematic opus - an attack on Donald Trump entitled "Fahrenheit 11/9." Presumably because Michael still has thousands of old posters from his earlier film "Fahrenheit 9/11" and he figures he can get more use out of them with a Post-it note covering the only part of the title being changed.

Okay, actually he thinks he's being really clever comparing 11/9 (Trump's election date) to 9/11 (a world-changing assault on our nation). Which, frankly, isn't a bad angle to take - and we should know. We used a similar switcheroo for a cartoon about Obama over 5 years ago.

The trailer for Moore's documentary is pretty much exactly what you'd expect it to be: context-free two second clips of Trump juxtaposed with a KKK rally to make him look bad, intercut with multiple shots of Michael Moore staring at the outsides of big buildings with a strained/puzzled look on his face like he needs to use a pay toilet but has nothing in his pockets except some melting Peppermint Patties.

Moore, who spends his time between documentaries hiring himself out to parties as a Rosie O'Donnell lookalike, is encouraging other celebrities to, like him, "put their bodies on the line" for the anti-Trump Resistance.

Although frankly, if their bodies are like his, no one will even be able to see the line.

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We're willing to bet right now that the first person to present the Academy's new award will be Hillary Clinton. You read it here first.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Shame Old Song and Dance

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Given the increasingly angry political rhetoric in our country, it was only a matter of time before things got dangerously out of control and took an ugly turn. Sadly, it happened a few days ago when alleged entertainer Rosie O'Donnell (whose actual cause for celebrity is a complete mystery to us) stormed the White House gates with a coterie of Broadway performers who unleashed a "shock and awe" barrage of assault showtunes. Even worse, some reports also suggest that "jazz hands" were deployed.

O'Donnell, who is probably best known for being too annoying for even the other co-hosts of The View to endure, perhaps hatched the idea in hopes of replicating the famous siege which brought down Adolf Hitler in the waning days of WWII, when he committed suicide after his bunker was surrounded by a repertory company performing "Fiddler on the Roof."

A tiny flaw in O'Donnell's otherwise brilliant plan was that President Trump wasn't actually in the White House during the minstrel show, meaning that the performance (complete with a large "Treason" sign in simulated theatrical lights) was observed only by peons on the sidewalk who couldn't afford to attend an actual Broadway show without selling their children's vital organs.

Not wanting to be upstaged, so to speak, by their East Coast counterparts, the West Coast also launched an entertainment-related attack on Trump when the West Hollywood City Council voted unanimously to have Donald Trump's star permanently removed from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The impact of this brutal broadside was lessened only slightly by the fact that the Walk of Fame isn't actually in West Hollywood, and the city council has no jurisdiction or authority whatsoever in the matter. They might just have effectively been voting to end the California wildfires by mandating overtime hours for Smokey the Bear.

All of this reminds us once again that there is "no business like show business." A point hammered home by the fact that "show business" still loves Barack Obama, under whom America experienced "no business" for 8 years.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Earwigs: Hairy Situation

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"Get back, Jojo"
Welcome to another edition of Earwigs, the unique feature which says "Stilton looked at the news and wanted no part of it today."

If we were going to mock politics today, we'd probably go with CNN's weekend-long hysteria claiming that alleged reporter Jim Acosta's actual life was in jeopardy while reporting from a recent Trump rally. Indeed, some CNN "journalists" are saying that the government needs to provide them with 24/7 Secret Service protection to thwart the murderous intentions of Trump's followers.

And just how was Acosta's life put in danger at the rally? Specifically, while he was trying to lie into a microphone, grinning Trump supporters stood on the other side of a flimsy metal barricade and chanted "CNN sucks!"

We're pretty sure that the Supreme Court would be quick to invoke the "Sticks n' Stones" precedent in finding that no actual harm was done to Acosta, nor was he being threatened in any conceivable manner.

They would also likely call him a wuss and add that, in their considered judgment, CNN actually does suck.

Friday, August 3, 2018

To Rush With Love

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"No matter how much you might want to."
We're not about to let the 30th anniversary of the Rush Limbaugh Show go by without a proper show of respect, admiration, and affection for the greatest radio personality, and one of the most vital political minds, of our times.

There is quite simply no one else like Rush. His insights, analysis, humor and optimism are completely off the charts - and the fact that the Left is utterly baffled by him only adds to our delight. Remember when Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo launched "Air America Radio" hoping to create a liberal version of the Limbaugh magic? Their efforts were nightmarishly uninformative and unfunny, and they stunk up the airwaves so badly that the entire network collapsed.

But Rush goes on and on, coming into our homes and workplaces with an intimacy that makes him into much more than a celebrity entertainer. He's become a friend, a mentor, and a calming voice in decidedly non-calming times. Much like the late Paul Harvey, Rush Limbaugh is an American institution in the very best sense of the term.

Not that we always held him in such high regard. When Limbaugh's show first came to WBAP in Dallas, we tuned in only because he was said to be an absolute wild man, saying crazy things for sane people to laugh at. His was a freak show, like the old Joe Pyne broadcasts.

And so we tuned in to laugh...and laugh we did. But to our surprise, not at Rush but rather with him. Rather than wacky rants and diatribes, El Rushbo was speaking common sense at a time when sense wasn't common in the least. He made sense of the world and the news in a way we hadn't experienced before...and soon we were hooked.

Without exception, the people who say they hate Rush are people who have never seriously listened to his show objectively for a few days. They're afraid to, for the best of all possible reasons: he'll change their minds. And the average Leftist would rather go on being wrong forever rather than admit they've been duped.

It's no exaggeration to say that without Rush Limbaugh, neither "Hope n' Change" nor "Stilton's Place" would ever have happened. 

So thank you, Mr. Limbaugh, and here's hoping that the next 30 years will be as much fun as the first 30 have been!


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, obama, stumping, democrats, midterms, asshole, SCOAMF

The most hilarious news story of the day relates to the fact that Barack Hussein Obama, allegedly a past president, is taking to the campaign trail once again to stump for Democrats in the upcoming midterm elections.

Barry is quick to insult President Trump, but we've noticed that he pretty much has nothing to say regarding how things were better in any conceivable way during his nightmarish two term reign. Quite the contrary; the things which Donald Trump has accomplished with relative ease were declared absolutely impossible by the Obama administration. And in fairness, those accomplishments were impossible for an anti-capitalist anti-American.

Almost undeniably, the secret to Donald Trump's spectacular success has simply been not being Barack Obama. The economy booms, jobs take off, and other nations - friends and foes - no longer have the mindset that America can be pushed around and taken advantage of.

As far as we're concerned, getting Barry back out in public is the best thing that could happen for the mid-term elections. Because to really appreciate the Trump revolution, we need constant reminders of how bad everything was under the annoying, insufferably vain poseur we were stuck with for eight wretched years.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Gray Heir

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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader "Are you sure I'm not Sandra Day O'Connor?" Ginsburg thrilled Leftists this week with the announcement that, despite being older than actual dirt, she intends to remain a withered and frequently dozing member of the Supreme Court for another five years.

This presumes, of course, that the Kickstarter campaign she has created to pay for "a recirculating pump and a metric buttload of formaldehyde" will be successfully funded.

And while we may joke about Ginsburg's age, it's only fair to note that there's no reason that age alone should disqualify anyone from sitting on the Supreme Court. After all, the giant Galapagos tortoise can live over 100 years. The Greenland Shark can top 200 years. And the spiny Red Sea Urchin lives even longer. And any of these death-defying centenarian miracles of nature would be a better Justice than Ginsburg, who was making bad decisions long before the last of her neurons packed up their bags and retired to Florida.

Still, in this magical age of modern medicine, it's entirely possible that Ginsburg may be kept alive for another five years. Somehow...

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"Best of all, he's your same size!"
This being the case it's entirely possible that we'll all have to suffer through another five years of Ginsburg's ideologically questionable rulings and her insistent (and highly questionable) belief that women's paychecks are less than those of men.

For the record, Stilton's Place believes strongly that both sexes should receive equal urnings...and we hope that Justice Ginsburg can take personal advantage of this egalitarian policy sooner rather than later.