Friday, September 21, 2018
Leave it to our intrepid correspondent Busty Ross to bring a fresh new perspective to the otherwise stultifying Kavanaugh lynching...er, we mean proceedings. Ms Ross is, of course, not a woman to be trifled with, and we pity the fool who would underestimate her ability to convincingly make the case that "no means no."
Mind you, we're not actually recommending that every incidence of an unwanted sexual advance end with a man being dumped into a shallow grave - though we do think it's a great idea for women to know the basics (or more) of self-defense. Failing all else, ladies, just remember that a knee to the nuts is a highly compelling argument.
But rather than violence, we want to speak about the unfortunate effects of holding in a horrible secret for 30 years. This does nothing good for either the psyche of the victim, nor the accuracy of memories related to the actual event. We certainly acknowledge that coming clean at the time of an assault may create shame and embarrassment for the victim; in the case currently under review, the alleged victim said she couldn't tell anyone (least of all her parents) because she had knowingly put herself in harm's way by attending an unchaperoned "party" with older boys and alcohol.
But now, with the passage of so much time, it's simply impossible to know what really happened at that party so long ago and how much the victim's memories have metastasized or been rewritten.
And yet, the Left demands that justice must be done to avenge the complainant's honor, whether it was actually besmirched or not.
Which brings us to A Modest Proposal: the Left wants Kavanaugh punished despite the lack of evidence, the impossibility of investigation, and the expiration - by decades - of any relevant statutes of limitations. We therefore suggest that he be sentenced to perform community service to pay back his debt to society in general and women in particular.
Specifically, we think he should be sentenced to lifetime community service...just as quickly as he can be sworn in for his well-deserved seat on the Supreme Court.
BONUS: BROKEBACK MUPPETS
Our "Tempest in a Teapot" Award for the week goes to the minor media brouhaha surrounding an announcement by a former Sesame Street writer that puppet buddies Bert and Ernie were actually gay lovers - at least in the writer's mind (which is never a healthy place to be - trust us on this one).
Sesame Street quickly denied the allegation, making the not inconsequential point that the characters are puppets and not sexualized in any way. The whole subject is, like the bulge in Caitlyn Jenner's knickers, a moot point.
Truthfully, we think the LGBT community should be relieved to hear this. After all, do they really want gay couples to be represented as poorly dressed, constantly bickering, hopelessly dimwitted doofuses who exhibit really bad impulse control along and obsessive fascination in the ABCs, primary colors, and squeaky bath toys? We think not.
Rather, Sesame Street says that the real dynamic between Bert and Ernie is to show us that very different types of people can still be very good friends. And gay or straight, that's a great lesson for all of us.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
And in the interest of fair play...
|An oldie but a goody. The gag, not Stormy.|
But still, in order to be seen as anything but troglodyte sexist pigs, we're supposed to accept the idea that every woman is a gentle flower whose life can be ruined and psyche shattered by an unwanted physical advance. Fine.
But how are we supposed to square that notion in comparison to what the Left's current moral champion, Stormy Daniels, is saying in her new, soon-to-be-discounted book? Referring to her alleged tryst with Donald Trump, she says "I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f*cked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart." Yikes. No gentle flower, she. Yet despite this horrible experience, she hasn't subsequently shown signs of PTSD or the need for counseling.
Our point is that people - yes, even women - have entirely subjective reactions to things which occur in their lives. Reactions which can be radically different even in similar circumstances. And it is these subjective, emotional reactions which often become memories even more than the actual events which inspired them.
Which is why, in the absence of any evidence of wrongdoing, it would be a crime to deny Brett Kavanaugh his seat on the Supreme Court. Where he can safeguard the Constitution which states, however sadly, that it is not a crime for Stormy Daniels to write a sleazy book.
Monday, September 17, 2018
|Liberal media is pretty much the definition of "an ill wind that totally blows."|
It's pretty funny until one thinks about what a perfect visual metaphor it is for the way every news story seems to be reported these days. Everything is an emergency and looming disaster. Everything is a grave risk to our freedoms and our way of life. And everything depends on paying very, very close attention to the hyperventilating talking heads rather than what we can see with our own eyes in the background.
Every news outlet is guilty of this theatrical charade (yes, even Fox News) although no one can beat the Lefties for sheer hysteria and generating their own gale force winds. Is it merely a coincidence that the longtime slogan of MSNBC was "Leaning Forward?" We think not. And frankly, Hurricane Donald isn't really helping the situation any.
Stilton's Place would like to see the journalistic histrionics turned way the heck down (tranquilizer darts are not out of the question) to decrease the dangerous and deliberate agitation currently polarizing our country.
Trust us, news media, when we say that contrary to Bob Dylan's admonition, the answer is not blowin' in the wind.
Monday, September 10, 2018
We're taking this week off to attend to some necessary chores. Nothing's wrong, but there's just way too much to do. Besides, thanks to idiots like Cory Booker, the news is already pretty hilarious without our needing to add anything to it!
As always, the comment section will be open and we'll jump in if we get the chance. See you here on Monday the 17th!
We don't normally publish material from other sources, but this was just way too funny not to share. Brilliant!
Friday, September 7, 2018
|Yes, we know Trump doesn't actually drink. For which we are deeply grateful.|
The accounts may or may not be 100% accurate, but we don't care - other than having a constant undercurrent of mild terror. Because many of us who voted for Trump, however reluctantly, knew all of this about him going in. We weren't really happy about giving the country's reins to a man whose thought process can be likened to a pinball machine, but the only other choice was inconceivably worse.
Going back to our cartoon metaphor, our plane was already in serious trouble and going down fast. Hillary Clinton would put us into a nose dive at maximum throttle, then cackle hysterically (when not coughing) all the way down to our fiery doom.
Trump, on the other hand, might seem to have a screw loose - but he had a record of somehow getting things accomplished and seemed sincere in his desire to save the day. And unlike Hillary's kamikaze scenario, Trump wouldn't be alone in the cockpit - he'd actually have a trained co-pilot, flight engineer, navigator, and others to help compensate for his inexperience and eccentricities.
Which brings us to the present. Woodward and the New York Times are reporting that dedicated White House staffers are working constantly to defuse Trump's bad ideas and help enable his good ideas - which is why this amateur President keeps racking up success after success.
In other words, we're seeing a scary process that produces good results rather than what, under Hillary, would have been a nightmarishly efficient process producing devastating results.
That doesn't strike us as being an entirely bad thing. Especially if the in-flight turbulence doesn't get bad enough to keep the flight attendant from rolling that drink cart our way on a regular basis.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
To the surprise of pretty much no one, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh erupted in shouts, shrieks, motions, emotions, and parliamentary nonsense before the judge's name was even announced.
Democrats, in what apparently was a pre-planned move to sabotage the proceedings, called for immediate adjournment in order to give them more time to slowly and thoughtfully pore over every word ever written by or about the nominee - a rather odd change of pace for the party which heretofore embraced the "pass it to see what's in it" policy of avoiding any actual reading.
Fetus-hating hecklers, sadly deprived of their pussy hats, also screamed hysterically from the gallery before being dragged out forcibly by security personnel, prompting Democrat Dick Durbin to admiringly characterize their shrill attacks as "the noise of Democracy." A noise which we think might be well matched with the ball-gag of decorum.
The hearings have a long way to go, but we're off to a predictably ridiculous and depressing start to a process which should be conducted with a degree of solemnity and seriousness of purpose. The very qualities we're hoping to see Judge Kavanaugh bring to the Supreme Court as soon as possible.
JUST SCREW IT
America's ongoing quest to always have something to be hyperventilating about has temporarily been satisfied by the announcement that Nike has named Colin "Kneepads" Kaepernick as their newest "Just Do It" spokesperson. Which is more than a little ironic, considering he wouldn't take that simple advice when it came to showing respect for our national anthem.
Nike's choice of Kaepernick certainly generated the publicity they were hoping for, but has also caused a few minor drawbacks. Specifically, a nearly $4 billion drop in their stock market value as well as a boom in highly entertaining Youtube videos in which people find creative ways to set Nike products on fire.
We also find a certain irony in Nike's desire to use Kaepernick to demonstrate their sense of "woke" social consciousness, considering that any of the underpaid sweatshop laborers who make their products overseas would probably be flogged senseless for staging a knee-bending protest during working hours.
But in the immortal words of Rhett Butler, we frankly don't give a damn about Nike, Kaepernick, or the horse they rode in on. And as far as a boycott of Nike products go, we enthusiastically say "Just do it."
Monday, September 3, 2018
Today is Labor Day, a national holiday on which we celebrate the labor unions which have improved working conditions and pay so dramatically that the actual jobs now go to illegal aliens, because that's the only way for many manufacturers to keep from going out of business.
Not that it's our intention to bash unions today! Over the years, they've accomplished many positive things and put an end to some horrific working conditions. If you doubt us, try looking up some vintage photos of 8-year old coal miners and then try to get their eyes and faces out of your nightmares.
That being said, our personal experience working in a union shop left us with a highly negative attitude. It was in the early 1970's, and we had to join the United Auto Workers to work at a Ford factory in Indianapolis, Indiana. It was a summer job to earn college money, and we were moved around from assignment to assignment to cover for vacationing employees.
Our first position was a night shift driving a forklift. The work was simple enough - transporting pallets of materials from one place to another. The problem was that there wasn't nearly enough work to fill the hours. When we asked the foreman what we should be doing to put in 8 hours of productivity, we were A) glared at for being a college-boy asshole and B) told that we should find a place to hide and sleep through the shift like everyone else did.
It seems the other forklift drivers did their work in the first hour, then retreated to hideaways inside stacks of boxes where there were makeshift beds, Playboy pinups, and the all-important alarm clocks which told our fellow workers when it was time to wake up and go home. Our Protestant work ethic wouldn't allow us to do this (not to mention our fear of being crushed by falling stacks of crates "accidentally" tipped by our coworkers) so we were soon moved to daytime work on the assembly line.
This particular assembly line was for building steering columns. Every nine seconds, a unit would roll slowly by and we'd perform one quick operation on it...then move on to the next and the next and the next. There was nothing challenging about getting our contribution done in nine seconds (the union had established that this was exactly the maximum amount of work a laborer could do)...but we soon learned there was a complication.
Every man on the line not only knew how to do his own job, but also his neighbor's job within that nine second window (and without breaking a sweat). And so one man would come in every morning, punch in for himself and the second worker (who was still at home in bed) and do both jobs until lunchtime. Then the second man came in and the first man left for the day - with both time cards punched out at the end of the shift. Management knew this, but didn't dare challenge the union.
The "half day, full pay" scam eventually reached its logical conclusion when two geniuses sharing job duties figured out that neither of them would have to come in if they simply had a third guy punching their time cards in and out. And that's what they did for a long time.
And it worked out great until people driving Fords started dying because their cars suddenly veered out of control owing to the missing part in the steering column.
A massive recall followed, millions of dollars were paid in liability settlements and, of course, the two workers who were to blame were fired.
Yes, the UAW got them their jobs back. So fire up your grills, have a great Labor Day and for the love of all that's holy drive carefully.