So many Democrats are currently throwing their hats into the presidential ring, it's like watching lemmings cascading from a fiscal cliff.
The latest entrant is the 77-years-young Socialist Bernie Sanders. Considering that absolutely nothing about the candidate or his ideas is truly new, we feel like it's appropriate to commemorate his entry into the race with some similarly shopworn cartoons from the political past.
Don't think of it as laziness on our part. Think of it as "redistribution of humor."
But in the end, Bernie ended his 2016 run when he received an offer he couldn't refuse...
Monday, February 18, 2019
We really do hope that Hillary Clinton is enjoying a nice mouthful of crow this Presidents Day. A meal which she'll be sharing with a lot of Democrats whose insane natterings are catching up with them in recent news cycles.
High in those ranks, and we do mean "rank," would be alleged actor Jussie Smollett whose allegations of being the victim - rather than the instigator - of a hate crime have completely unravelled...
As a general rule of thumb which is almost always true, if a "hate crime" has no witnesses other than the "victim," and involves a MAGA hat, a noose, or a swastika, the story is a lie. That may sound harsh, but in case after case after case it's true. Victimhood is the Olympic Gold Medal of Progressivism, and in today's media climate it's a very low bar to clear.
But is there any real harm committed when so-called "hate crimes" are completely faked? Absolutely. Because it makes any real victims in the future less likely to be believed, increases hate and division in our country, and steals resources from police and intelligence agencies.
Remember when Bill Clinton was president and there was a rash of black church burnings committed by godawful racists?! It got national attention (albeit a lot less attention was given to the subsequent revelation that the churches were being burned by blacks). But so serious was this supposed outbreak of racism that president Clinton reassigned the agencies who were supposed to be keeping an eye on Osama bin Laden to solving the church burnings. Yeah, that worked out well.
Smollet, who apparently hired his "attackers" from the cast of his own TV show, needs to go to jail for a long time over this stunt. And every Trump voter should receive groveling apologies from the numerous "news" outlets, politicians, and celebrities who gleefully spread this appalling lie...though that will never happen.
And speaking of things that will never happen, let us turn our sights on Joe Biden as he ramps up his efforts to become our next president...
Recreating Obama's infamous "Apology Tour," Joe Biden traveled to Munich to disparage our nation as an "embarrassment" for our treatment of (ahem) "refugees." Apparently Old Joe hasn't really been paying attention to what's been happening to Germany now that they're drowning in hostile refugees.
It turns out that it's just never a good idea to look to Germany for moral guidance when it comes to setting government policies for dealing with large masses of people.
Rather, we prefer President Trump's distinctive style...
Trump's declaration of a national emergency to build the wall strikes us as no more nutty (and not much less) than all of the nonsense currently being committed by the Left. So despite the fact that he could have gotten better deals (which were on the table) in the recent past, we're more or less cool with him getting the job done, or at least started, the "Trump way."
In a world where everything is pretty much crazy all the time, the wall comes pretty darn close to making sense. Which is, as they say, good enough for government work.
Posted by Stilton Jarlsberg at 7:12 AM
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
Our Monday moaning post has proved accurate, and we're still dividing our time between coughing up organs (we lost our little-used spleen, but are hoping to hang on to most of our liver as it's essential in the biohazard-style processing of Clan MacGregor) or alternately enjoying codeine-induced hallucinations.
For instance, we had a wild one a day or so ago in which Nancy Pelosi actually disciplined a hijab-wearing Democrat congresswoman for making wildly anti-Semitic tweets (and this just after the same shrill woman demanded that Homeland Security be defunded!). Crazy, huh?!
But rather than leave you empty-handed today (and Friday, for that matter), we're at least sharing this vintage Valentine which aspires to Make America Smooch Again.
Frankly, if Busty Ross was to set up a kissing booth near the Rio Grande, and charge one brick for a quick lip-lock, we could get Trump's wall built in no time. And the line of men waiting for their turn would probably make a functional wall and the mortar set on the real thing.
As we said above, we're taking the rest of the week off to finish recovering and attend to some chores. Although we'll try to return Monday for President's Day. Or, as we like to think of it, "Still Not Hillary Day."
Monday, February 11, 2019
Not much of a post today, and quite possibly for the rest of the week, owing to the fact that we've come down with an explosive, honking cough the likes of which haven't been heard since Hillary was spraying supporters with blood-flecked phlegm on the campaign trail.
To treat this condition, we've been given a prescription for a codeine-based cough syrup so strong that it makes cogent thought almost impossible. Seriously, this stuff must have been what Congresswoman Allahu Akbar Ocarina-Goretex was on when she posted the insane "Green New Deal" talking points on her website, before denying that the document was real or had ever existed. For someone new to Washington, she's certainly caught on quickly to how the game is played.
And speaking of lying liars who get caught lying, howzabout this...
|Smoking gun or flaming arrow?|
Senator Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren officially declared that she was running for President only days after it was revealed that she'd officially claimed to be "American Indian" on a registration card for the State Bar of Texas. A bit of misinformation she added specifically and only for the purpose of career advancement while, incidentally, elbowing aside actual minorities competing for the same positions. At least Governor Northam didn't actually try to convince anyone he was Michael Jackson.
By the way, while Warren may now be admitting that she is not a POC, here's a quick article which proves without doubt that she is a POS.
By the way, while Warren may now be admitting that she is not a POC, here's a quick article which proves without doubt that she is a POS.
And that's pretty much all that the pharmaceuticals coursing through our bloodstream are going to let us say for now. Would that the same were true of Democrats.
Friday, February 8, 2019
|"It's also why my eyes are brown."|
Additionally 76% of polled CNN viewers who actually saw the speech had a favorable impression of it, which is why the (ahem) "news" network had to immediately go into spin mode for those lazy viewers who skipped the speech in favor of CNN's recrap...er, recap...which was delivered in part by Bizarro-world former Obama official (and 9-11 "truther") Van Jones.
For those who may have blissfully forgotten Jones, allow us to refresh your memory...
Before becoming a CNN political expert, Jones had described himself as a radical, a communist, and an anarchist who sees the green movement as means to accomplish a radical class restructuring of America. This was, by the way, at a time when Obama was busily appointing Czars without fear of Democrats being offended by the obvious Russian connection.
But as much as we'd simply like to write off Van Jones as a camera-fellating Affirmative Action moron, we must admit that his dangerous radical agenda is gaining more traction among Trump's (and America's) political enemies in Washington.
In a jaw-dropping editorial in the Wall Street Journal called "Who's Afraid of Socialism?," the actual proposals being floated by elected officials on the Left are listed...and they're terrifying.
• Adoption of "Medicare For All," which would give the government ultimate power over how much (and what kind) of medical treatment you do or don't get. Literally life and death control of the citizenry.
• The Green "New Deal" would basically destroy our country by creating a legal requirement that within 10 short years, the U.S. would be entirey "carbon neutral." In other words, we would dismantle nearly 90% of our current energy system and replace it (ha!) with unaffordable, unreliable, or uninvented alternatives which would force massive degradation in transportation, manufacturing, and our overall quality of life.
• Government Jobs For All would assure 100% participation in the work force by guaranteeing a government job - or at least a paycheck - for anyone who wants one. And yes, many of the previously unemployable would` find themselves staring uncomprehendingly at the computer screens which will determine whether or not you can have a life-saving surgery. What could possibly go wrong?
• Corporate Control, as proposed by Elizabeth "Why yes, I DID try to advance my law career by lying my bright white butt off about being an American Indian" Warren, would fundamentally change corporations valued at over $1 billion. Employees would elect 40% of company directors, who would in turn be required to consider "benefits" other than just making a good return for shareholders - with government overseers thrown into the mix just to make sure no one forgets that capitalism is a sin.
• Massive Tax Increases will of course be necessary for all of this. Higher taxes on the evil rich, on the dead evil rich, and on the evil middle class who aspire to becoming the evil rich (formerly known as "the American Dream.")
In other words, the Van Jones crowd - which encompasses pretty much every Democrat in Congress at this point - wants the opposite of what is good for our nation, and the opposite of what our very unusual President and a majority of the American people believe we need to be pursuing in a bipartisan way.
Put another way, the Democrat alternative to the State of the Union is a state of disaster.
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
We'd really love to give a point-by-point breakdown of Trump's State of the Union address, as well as our customary analytical breakdown of the most subtle and meaningful bits. Unfortunately, at the time of this writing, Trump is still hours away from speaking...so just like the professional journalists, we'll just have to make things up while trying to keep a straight face.
Which won't be easy - after all, it's being reported that the primary thrust of Trump's speech will be to call for national Unity. And while he's at it, we hope he also calls for the successful development of cold fusion, lasting peace in the Middle East, affordable jetpacks for personal flying, decent "Star Wars" sequels, magic weight-loss pills and, most importantly, McRibs being served at McDonald's all year long.
Because all of those things are going to happen way before we see anything like unity in this country again. People flat out hate one another and can find no common ground. Even the tepid halftime show at the actual (and remarkably boring) Superbowl was steeped in controversy over not being controversial enough.
Some people even had a problem with Gladys Knight beautifully singing our national anthem because she gave it too much gravitas and respect. For those holding this opinion about our national anthem and the national treasure that is Gladys Freaking Knight, we will gently suggest that you might benefit from taking the "Midnight Train to Auschwitz."
But back to the State of the Union, which Nancy Pelosi has so generously offered to hold in "her" house (although we'd like to see her property tax receipts to prove it). Maxine Waters went on a long rant telling people not to watch the speech under any circumstances because "Trump has told lies 6000 times! We've counted them!" and she also hints that there's some chance that people who look at him will turn into pillars of salt, which presents a special (and no doubt targeted) risk to black Americans who have a tendency toward hypertension.
Still, SOME people will see Trump's speech - including a bunch of whackjobs who are being invited into the House of Representatives as "special guests" of the Democrats. Artesia Ocarina-Courtdate has invited the strident anti-Kavanaugh harpy who attacked Jeff Flake in an elevator. Kamala Harris is bringing a woman who lost her home in a wildfire which was, purportedly, started by off-gassing from Donald Trump's hair.
Kirsten Gillibrand is bringing a transgender Naval officer, who will burst into tears whenever Trump mentions "seamen." A number of illegal immigrants will also be in attendance, and there are unconfirmed rumors that a couple of pregnant women whose due dates aligned with the speech will be present to have their gasping children dismembered on the chamber floor.
So all in all, a big entertainment spectacle which will produce...well...pretty much nothing, we're guessing. Although there's at least a chance that Trump will take the opportunity to get the Wall moving by declaring a national emergency.
SOTU FASHION STATEMENT...
|And forceps and bone-saws make fabulous accessories!|
After more than two months out of the public eye, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg emerged from solitude to attend a small musical which was written and performed in her honor. People attending the event swear that the aged, health-challenged Justice looked spectacularly well, vigorous, vivacious, and glamorous...
Unfortunately, no actual pictures of Ginsburg at the event have emerged, which is why we were forced to fill the available space with this fascinating and completely unrelated photo of a "teratoma tumor," a benign growth in humans which can develop teeth, hair, rudimentary eyes, and even tiny little arms and legs without being Justice Ginsburg!
We don't actually know if these odd growths can also adjudicate legal cases, and we weren't about to do a Google search for "teratoma tumors" AND "lawyers." There are some things you just can't un-see...
Monday, February 4, 2019
In this case, we're talking about Virginia's Democrat Governor (and baby murder enthusiast) Ralph Northam and the strange case of a photo on his college yearbook page which apparently shows him wearing blackface or a Ku Klux Klan robe. Northam apologized for the photo and the hurtfulness of his actions, and claimed he couldn't recall whether he was the person in the photo portraying Al Jolson or the one impersonating former Democrat Senator (and Klan official) Robert Byrd.
Northam later "clarified" that he was neither person, had nothing to apologize for other than his previous apology, and had never ever ever appeared in blackface except for the one time he literally rubbed Shinola on his face to imitate Michael Jackson for a dance contest. No, really. And when reporters asked about it, he offered to prove his case by doing the moonwalk but was stopped by his wife. Which, in our book, is a damn shame.
And as long as we're linking the late term abortion-happy Virginia Governor and Groundhog Day...
BONUS: BORDERLINE MADNESS
Okay, we honestly hope that Justice Ginsburg gets well soon. But this gag, suggested by our erudite friend John F. Di Leo, was just too good not to share.
Friday, February 1, 2019
Believe it or not, we're actually trying to make a serious point in the cartoon above (with a tip of our hat to Jonathan Swift and his "modest proposal").
Considering the nightmarish abortion laws being pushed and passed (something that fewer and fewer babies will get to experience), just what is the difference between going Texas Chainsaw Massacre on a baby in the process of being born, or slicing and dicing a gentleman's johnson which happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Both baby and man are separate individuals from the woman, with their own DNA, blood type, heart beat, and hopes to survive the experience of intimate contact with a woman. Both are presumably someplace where they were invited by the woman to be. And both are intended by nature to be pulled intact out of a vagina in order to go on with the rest of their lives.
Granted, our example is extreme - but where is the error in our thinking? We've certainly got science and biology on our side. The only difference is legal (ie, semantic) - and the apparent belief that life itself should be defined by neither physicians, philosophers, nor theologians - but by politicians. Who are technically the lowest life forms on Earth.
FROM THE VAULT...
Happy Birthday to my father (who art in Heaven, albeit not necessarily the fanciest part, and quite likely on probation). He was conceived under circumstances which would likely lead to an abortion these days (the product of my paternal grandmother and a traveling piano teacher who apparently also gave organ lessons), and I'm damn glad he made it into this world. He created a lifetime of happiness for a lot of people.