Friday, December 14, 2018

Rear Ended on the Hershey Highway

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Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski (whose last name is the single most valuable word you can play in Scrabble) made an unfortunate on-air faux pas Wednesday, when she called Secretary of State Mike Pompeo "a wannabe dictator's butt boy."

It's another case in which if you scratch a liberal (and frankly, we think that's always a good idea), you quickly find the kind of deep-rooted intolerance and bigotry that they accuse others of having.

Here at Stilton's Place, we're unapologetically Gay-friendly and would never think of using a homophobic slur to demean someone with whom we disagree politically. Not that Brzezinski limited herself to that - just for good measure, she also questioned whether Pompeo's comments (about the Saudi Crown Prince's possible involvement in the highly kinetic killing of dissident journalist Jamal "Surprise Party" Khashoggi) were "the words of a patriot."

Mika later acknowledged that her insinuation that Pompeo is some kind of treasonous ankle-grabber represented a "super bad choice of words."

Pretty much like everything else that comes out of her mouth.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Hired Hams

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, kevin hart, oscars, tweets, ocasio-cortez, homophobic

Don't panic - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez hasn't really been asked to host the Oscars, although if it does happen you read it here first.

Currently, the Oscars have no host lined up after they hired then quickly dumped alleged comedian Kevin Hart, owing to the fact that, some years ago, he made homophobic tweets. Although we'd say they were a little more than just "homophobic." Consider this thought-provoking tweet: "Yo if my son comes home & try's 2 play with my daughters doll house I'm going 2 break it over his head & say n my voice 'stop that's gay.'"

Hart has apologized repeatedly for his tweets in the past, but refused to make a fresh apology under the reasonable assumption that if past apologies didn't count, a new one wouldn't do any good either.

All of this is making it hard for the Oscars to find a Hart transplant for the awards ceremony, owing to the fact that pretty much no celebrity really wants to expose themselves to a potentially career-ending examination of their every word and deed since birth.

The best suggestion we've heard (and we wish we could give credit but we forgot where we saw it) is that Donald Trump should host the event, since the jokes would be about him anyway, and it would be a ratings blockbuster. Frankly, we can't think of anything else that would make us tune in.

And speaking of Trump and hard to fill jobs...

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It wasn't our intention to present a trifecta of unbelievably annoying women today, but then we saw Nancy Pelosi's comments (accurately quoted above) following a meeting that she and Chuck Schumer shared with President of the United States Donald Trump.

The idea that this loathsome old colostomy bag will likely again be Speaker of the House makes us feel like we've got skunk tinkle all over us.

Monday, December 10, 2018

The Sound of Muzak

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One would be hard pressed to come up with a way to actually improve the classic "The Sound of Music" (other than by adding singing zombies, of course). Yet Lisa Mars, the principal of a famous New York City performing arts high school, came up with a real doozy of an idea: she ordered the removal of all Nazi emblems and props from the school's presentation about a family running for their very lives from actual Nazis.

This overly sanitized version of the story would be puzzling at best. Rather than have Captain Von Trapp rip a Nazi flag in half, he might simply clutch a handful of Edelweiss to his chest and let loose with a primal scream. The oldest daughter's male love interest couldn't turn up wearing a Nazi uniform, but might terrify audiences showing up in a MAGA hat. And the crucial scene in which the singing Von Trapps are forced to perform on a stage adorned with swastikas would certainly have to be changed - perhaps having the fearful family held at gunpoint while appearing on the Mike Huckabee Show.

According to one student who is marginally more sane than the school's principal, "This is a very liberal school, we're all against Nazis. But to take out the symbol is to try to erase history."

We'll forgive the student for assuming that it's only "very liberal" folks who are against Nazis, and blame it on the bilge she's being exposed to in her "very liberal" school.

Ironically, a portion of the proceeds from the show are supposed to be donated to Holocaust remembrance groups...although it's pretty damn hard to show appropriate "remembrance" for history that's being actively erased.

Fortunately, the principal has been partially overruled by the New York City Department of Education, and a few bits of Nazi regalia will be included in the presentation after suitable trigger warnings have been issued, and smelling salts and fainting couches have been made available to audience members.

The beloved musical asks the question "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" but we think a much more important question is "How do you solve a problem like Principal Mars?"

Friday, December 7, 2018

Many Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen

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The days of December are quickly passing, moving us ever deeper into that beloved time of year when liberal nitwits find hilarious new reasons to be offended by anything and everything related to Christmas.

As a case in point, a hue and cry has been raised against the playfully romantic tune "Baby, It's Cold Outside," owing to interpretations that the song is actually about men drugging women and raping them, then casting them aside (perhaps in the snow) while heading for a warm seat on the Supreme Court.

In recent days the easily offended have also been melting down about the stunning red Christmas trees chosen by First Lady Melania Trump to adorn the White House, the "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special (because of bullying by the other reindeer), and in all likelihood protesters are taking to the streets because the Three Wise Men didn't also include a "wise Latina."

Then there's the Massachusetts church that has erected a nativity scene with baby Jesus locked in a cage, as a protest against Donald Trump's alleged policy of grabbing newborn saviors at the border and throwing them in the clink. Although frankly, we're betting any kid with a halo who is spotted walking across the Rio Grande will be granted automatic citizenship personally by the President.

There's a lot to be enjoyed about this time of year, including traditions and celebrations both religious and secular. Both of which annoy the heck out of the Left if anyone appears to actually be having fun. So please, progressive snowflakes, just shut your stupid whiny yaps for a few weeks and let the rest of us enjoy ourselves!

Is that cold enough for

Efforts to revive her failed since she couldn't give paramedics permission to touch her.

Our visit to the USS Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor was a sobering and unforgettable experience. Similarly, we had an emotional moment when hiking up a mountain trail on the island of Oahu and finding the rusting engine block of a Japanese Zero. The unfortunate pilot, coming in low and fast for the attack, confused a blind alley with the actual mountain pass leading to Pearl Harbor.

That piece of metal, forgotten and nearly hidden by Hawaii's jungle of plant life, spoke eloquently of the events of that awful and fateful day.

Take time today to remember that day of infamy...and to reflect on the fact that freedom is never free.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Stocking Market

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Today's post is a little more personal than usual, mostly because the real news is so annoying right now that we'd just rather do some improvisational whining rather than dissect the usual idiocy.

Definitely catching our attention yesterday was the Dow-Jones' nearly 800 point drop, which blew another gaping holio in our portfolio. We're not sure exactly what caused it, though it certainly can't help market confidence when the (ahem) "news" media keeps declaring that Mueller is about to lower the boom on the President of the United States.

In any event, we are not amused - our tech stocks have all gone into "correction" territory (which means they're in prison cells where they get crudely-etched gang tattoos and call the guards "screws")...and we hope things turn around financially soon rather than getting even worse.

Changing subjects, some of you may remember from a few months ago that we had developed an interesting medical condition in which we would spontaneously start break-dancing multiple times over the course of a night. Which made for some decent Youtube video, but not exactly blissful rest.

The good news is that we've ruled out anything serious, but other than that can't quite determine what's going on. It seems that something happened physically, perhaps related to prescription medication, which changed the way our body reacts to stress. Soooo, we're experimenting with new methods of lowering our baseline stress level from its traditional "Defcon One" status.

Our primary effort is "guided meditation," in which a soothing voice tells you to close your eyes, breathe consciously, and picture yourself inside a vast open space with no boundaries and a perfect emptiness, free from awareness of the outside world or even thoughts. Currently, we do this by imagining ourselves floating inside Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's mind. Talk about infinite emptiness.

We also popped for a pair of Oculus Go VR goggles (and like them!), which we're pretty sure we can list as a medical deduction on our taxes as long as we only use them for meditational purposes. Fortunately, one can pretty quickly achieve a pure state of Zen by firing head shots into marauding zombies. Trust us on this one.

Have any other suggestions for de-stressing? We're currently looking for a second, third, and fourth opinion in the comments section - so let's hear what you have to say!

Monday, December 3, 2018

Fill In The Blankety-Blanks

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Former President George Herbert Walker Bush has died at the age of 94. We didn't necessarily agree with every policy decision he ever made, but in general we liked the man and are deeply appreciative of his lifelong service (including military service) to this country.

But showing appropriate respect for the man is apparently too much to ask for from what passes for journalistic outlets these days. Particularly galling was the Washington Post's initial posting about the President's passing, about which they said, and we quote: "Mr. Bush died of SPECIFIC MEDICAL CAUSE OF DEATH, said/according to xxx."

Note to the Washington Post: we can understand why you prepare generic obituaries for important people ahead of time, but you really shouldn't go to press with them until you've filled in the freaking blanks (not that your paper demonstrates any great skill for doing that in any other stories).

We now imagine that the Washington Post has many such templates on hand, including stories like "Donald Trump offended NAME OF COUNTRY/LEADER/GROUP today with his radically offensive COMMENTS/TWEETS about SUBJECT, leading to fresh accusations that he is, in fact, a Nazi." And perhaps, "Scientists agree that RECENT NATURAL DISASTER can be attributed to global warming and Trump's decision to turn down the Paris Accord. Climate expert xxx suggests that this is proof that Trump is, in fact, a Nazi."

While a later edition of the Washington Post actually filled in a few details of President Bush's death, there was still criticism of their poor journalistic standards coming from their contemporaries. For instance, Slate's big headline was "New York Times and Washington Post Obituaries for George H.W. Bush Leave Out Groping Allegations."

Heavens! Was Bush, like Justice Kavanaugh, yet another conservative conducting gang rapes on girls rendered helpless by drugged punch?! Well, no. The article states that there were a couple of instances in the last two years when the wheelchair-bound nonagenarian, surrounded by other people and photographers, may have playfully reached out to pat a female fanny while joking that he was magician "David Cop-a-feel." (That last part is true and, putting political correctness aside, it's not a bad joke for a flirty - and harmless - 92 year old.)

Lack of impulse control is, sadly, pretty much par for the course for people that old and is not really cause to lump a good man in with the innumerable #MeToo victimizers of women. For Slate to suggest that these accusations are the most important thing which needs to be said about the life and career of President GHW Bush is beyond reprehensible.

But happily, we may not have to put up with their nonsense much longer. Because we've heard "Slate will cease publication owing to SEX/DRUG/FINANCIAL SCANDAL according to xxx." And we know we can trust "xxx," because the Washington Post said so.