Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Manchester Terror

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It's happened again, as we all knew it would and, sadly, know it will again. A casual outing, a sudden explosion, and the death of innocents at the hands of a lunatic following an insane ideology.

ISIS is taking credit, which should certainly merit another "mother of all bombs" or even a low-yield nuke - whatever it takes to get their attention.

But as satisfying as that could be, it won't immediately stop the danger from "lone wolf" operatives. And indeed, there is no way to stop the danger - only to reduce it, and even that at great cost.

The Manchester killer was known as a radical to British police and was, apparently pointlessly, "on their radar." Which reflexively makes us wish that everyone on the radar was simply swept up and locked away. But is that really what we want?

Consider who was "on the radar" for terrorism under Barack Obama: "Right-wing extremists." A group defined by Homeland Security as people who were pro-life, opposed to illegal immigration, those who resist federal takeover of the states, and military veterans.  Odds are everyone reading these words would fall into one or more of those "extreme" categories.

We simply can't eliminate possible threats without the certainty of eliminating many of our protected freedoms. And the terrorists know it.

That being said, British authorities currently have a list of over 3500 "potential terrorists" including about 400 who left the UK to be trained by ISIS to fight in war zones like Syria and Iraq before returning to the UK. 

As counter-terror measures go, these people should be seen as low-hanging fruit: give them one week to get the hell out of the UK or lock them up. There are plenty of vacancies at Guantanamo.

Freedom-loving Western cultures can't erase every risk. But we can and must take greater preemptive actions than are currently in play.

BONUS: MOUTHING OFF

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On a less somber day, we would have enjoyed roasting Monica "Wet Clean Up, Aisle 7" Lewinsky for her appalling editorial in the New York Times, celebrating the death of Fox News's Roger Ailes for allegedly exploiting her "personal tragedy." But we're not in the mood, so we'll cut straight to the chase.

Lewinsky was a lying, lascivious little slut back in the day, and she remains unapologetic for her role (and roll in the hay) in disrupting American government. If Bill Clinton, that miserable tower of human excrement, hadn't been busy fighting his removal from office, he might have actually been doing presidential things like, oh, nailing Osama bin Laden when he had multiple opportunities.

Would the World Trade Center towers have fallen if Bill Clinton's pants hadn't? We can't know, but we can say with certainty that it's at least possible that they wouldn't have. Which is why, Monica, this appalling story isn't really about you and never was. So do the decent thing, accept your shame, and - unlike your time spent kneeling on the Oval Office rug - shut your disgusting mouth.

BONUS TWO: SPEAKING OF ANNOYING WOMEN

Michelle Obana attempts a saucy, Jane Russell off-the-shoulder look...


Monday, May 22, 2017

Freudian Slippery Slope

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, middle east, sword dance, saudi arabia, testosterone, phallic

So far, it seems that President Trump is doing a great job on his Middle East tour, striking deals on commerce and international security, as well as projecting an unapologetic aura of (trigger warning to snowflakes!) manliness that we haven't seen in the White House for a long time.

For instance, the Saudis invited Trump to participate in their traditional "sword bouncing" dance, an activity so hilariously phallic that it would make Anthony Weiner blush. This in marked contrast to Obama's first visit to the Middle East, during which he bowed before every turban-topped head and was then told to stand with the women while holding a cat in front of his private regions ("Trust us, it's traditional," the potentates giggled).

And there's a lot more testosterone in the President's statements overseas than we saw previously. Obama, as we painfully recall, basically declared that Islam created everything good about Western civilization, and that the evil, moronic, Bible-clutching simpletons of the United States of America then screwed it all up. And regarding terror, Obama basically stuck to the Reverend Jeremiah Wright's assessment that we were to blame for "America's chickens coming home to roost."

Trump is taking a different approach to terror, telling the Muslim world: "Religious leaders must make this absolutely clear: barbarism will deliver you no glory - piety to evil will bring you no dignity. If you choose the path of terror, you life will be empty, your life will be brief, and your soul will be condemned."

Admit it, you can't imagine those words coming out of Barry. While you don't have to imagine that he actually declared, following the terrorists' slaughter of our people in Benghazi, "the future must not belong to those who would slander the prophet of Islam."

There may be those who complain that there's too much of a men's locker room atmosphere surrounding Trump...but to us, it smells like fresh air.

AND FROM THE VAULT...


(Thursday, April 9, 2009) The White House now denies that Obama bowed down to the Saudi King, despite video and photos to the contrary. They say that "the president is taller than the King, so he had to bend to shake hands." Here's a hint, Mr. president - when they're looking down on the back of your head, you're bending over too far. And too willingly.

It looks like Obama was eager to blow...a diplomatic opportunity.

Friday, May 19, 2017

The Choir Infernal

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, investigation, special counsel, russia, consensus journalism

Although it's a bit early in our day (barely) for mixed drinks, we can't help but indulge in mixed metaphors when trying to comprehend what's going on in the news. Per the cartoon, we can't quite decide whether the news broadcasts relating to the specious Trump/Russia investigation are coming from another planet, or whether the alleged journalists in the mainstream media have finally gone native, adorned themselves in grass skirts and war paint and, high on adrenalin and their own screaming chants, are now throwing spears at anything that moves.

Not since Michael Jackson set his noggin ablaze while shooting a Pepsi commercial have we seen so much "hair on fire" news. And we don't get it.

Did the Russians hack our election? No. Did they "influence" the result of our election? There's been no evidence of it. Did Trump conspire with Russia to make these non-events happen? Again, there's not a scintilla of evidence.  But you'd never know it from the rabid stories being reported virtually everywhere.

In some ways, we liken this phenomenon to the whole global warming sham - only now, instead of seeing "consensus science" we're seeing "consensus journalism" in which a story without substance or evidence is declared to be incontrovertibly true simply because so many nitwits have agreed to report it.

It's insanity, of course - and all the more frightening for that. We may be witnessing an attempted coup d'etat driven almost entirely by an overtly lying leftist media. And it's additionally worrisome to think about how the ever-volatile President Trump might react; after all, he's brought much of this situation upon himself (and us) with his Tourette's-like need to tweet every half-baked thought which ricochets through the caverns of his mind.

We'd say more, only we've managed to stall long enough that it IS time for a nice mixed drink. We're thinking cheap scotch mixed with an extra shot of our usual bile.

AND BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY...

...we deserve a laugh, so here's another old cartoon by Stilton's father!

It's not parking as long as you keep the motor running. So to speak.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

To Serve Americans

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, russia, martians, secrets, terror
And some of us are ESPECIALLY good in taco bowls.
Mainstream media outlets are currently having screaming hissy fits over unsubstantiated reports that Donald Trump, noted lunatic, actually held a meeting with disgusting, potentially world-destroying Russian bastards and told them top secret anti-terror information which has only been widely reported in the world's newspapers since last March.

This action is apparently the opening of the seventh seal, and the immediate cue for impending Armageddon, impeachment, or yet another humorless SNL skit for Alec "Duck Lips" Baldwin.

Owing to the fact that we don't believe anything from the Left-leaning media these days, we find it very hard to get excited about all of this. However, in the interest of at least trying to understand the Liberals' mindset on all of this, we've invented a fun game - and you can play along!

From now on, when you hear a story about Trump and the Russians, substitute the word "Martians." And go ahead and imagine they're really bad ass Martians who want to eat our brains, defile our women, and get their own special restrooms. Now we can have all the terrifying fun the Lefties seem to be enjoying!

Although we shouldn't make light of this very, very serious situation. Is it possible that Trump is babbling state secrets in an irresponsible manner? Hell yes! But is it worse than the way Hillary protected state secrets? Not so much.

Of course, we should take seriously the threat from the actual Russians. It was they, after all, who grabbed the DNC emails and shared them with Wikileaks, causing Hillary to lose the election, right? I mean, even lacking any evidence that it happened, we all KNOW it's the truth because it's been reported so often. But...

Now there's a new wrinkle. It seems that rather than the big bad Russians, the DNC emails may actually have been sent to Wikileaks by a DNC staffer named Seth Rich who turned up mysteriously dead soon after the leaks were made public. Well, maybe not that mysteriously...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hillary, murder, vince foster, seth rich, wikileaks
Dirty Hillary.
It seems fairly sure that Rich sent over 40,000 emails to Wikileaks - perhaps hoping to head off a presidency by a hopelessly corrupt Clinton crime syndicate. And according to a private investigator, police were told to "stand down" from investigating the murder (described as a "botched burglary" since the gunman had no interest in money or personal belongings).

Is the story true? We have no idea - but it has a LOT more credibility than the accusations being made against Trump. And certainly is more deserving of a special investigation than anything the President has been accused of doing.

Monday, May 15, 2017

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Crispness

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It is an inescapable fact of life that as we age, the advertisers who have paid for our demographic information will do their best to advertise products which they feel will appeal to our age-appropriate needs and passions. Not to mention our declining ability to make good fiscal decisions.

Which is why those of us in the Jarlsberg household have grown used to getting mailers and phone calls offering us invitations to retirement/investment seminars, annuity offers, brochures for cruise vacations, great deals on "to your door" catheter deliveries, Social Security supplemental insurance, and seemingly benign catalogs offering everything from compression socks and elevated toilet seats to anaconda-sized vibrating ding-dongs, and high-power "personal" vacuum pumps which, if you're not feeling romantic, look perfectly capable of milking the cows in record time.

But with all that said, we hit a hilarious new low the other day when we received a big, cheery postcard letting us know that we could enjoy a FREE LUNCH AT RED LOBSTER just for sitting through a fun-filled seminar on getting cremated.

Yikes!

The mother and daughter on the invitation (shown above, though we added the flames) look like there couldn't possibly be a more enjoyable outing than enjoying some crab cakes and cheesy bisquits while hearing how long your body will have to roast over open flames in order for the bones to get crunchy enough for grinding, and what will happen to anything foreign which was still in your body, like fillings, a titanium hip joint, or perhaps an anaconda-sized vibrating ding-dong.

We can't really think of a topic which would make us less enthusiastic about visiting Red Lobster, though we have to admit that we're still considering attending just so that when the waiter comes for our order, we can say "I think I'll have the blackened..." (point at other guest) "that guy."

Not that we're against cremation. When the time comes, we're looking forward to that being our big, smudgy, final carbon footprint insult to Bill Nye, Al Gore, and Leonardo DeCaprio.

Plus, cremation can be a huge money-saver over traditional burial. For instance, our own parents had their "cremains" stored in a beautifully painted cookie tin which had been purchased at a garage sale only months before being pressed into service. "It will be handy for something," our father said presciently.

Similarly, we'd like our own ashes to be kept in an urn which is unpretentious, a bit fun, and (like us) extremely cheap. A quick look online turned up these potential receptacles, all of which have varying degrees of appeal...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, cremation, red lobster, urns
Haunted house, Frog Prince, Cthulu, or KFC bucket? So many tough choices!
Alternately, if our family doesn't want us haunting our own home, they can cast the ashes into a few places we've suggested (including scenic vistas, the eyes of our enemies or, if subtlety is the goal, baked into brownies to be given as gifts).

In which case we'd still want an elegant and expensive-looking (albeit empty) urn bearing our name to be placed on the fireplace mantle and subsequently have it filled with hard pretzel chunks which could be casually munched for the sole purpose of freaking out sensitive guests.

We're not sure what laws apply to this sort of thing, which is why we're really looking forward to taking part in a robust question-and-answer session when we visit Red Lobster.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Federal Bureau of Incompetence


Few things fill our heart with joy as much as hearing the moist "Ker-SPLOOMF!" of exploding Liberal noggins - a sound we're hearing a lot of following President Trump's kinetic dismissal of former FBI Director James Comey.

Comey was, as you may recall, the Democrats' "Public Enemy Number One" for interfering in the coronation of the breathtakingly corrupt woman who (along with the DNC) rigged the primary process to steal the nomination from the lovable old socialist who was spanking her in contest after contest.

Which is why Democrats have been screaming for Comey's firing right up until the moment that Trump did fire him - at which point the Left suddenly decided that Comey was actually some kind of Jesus of Justice, and was being crucified for the sin of conducting an investigation into Trump's alleged ties to Russia ("Operation Snipe Hunt").

There are reports that Comey had recently requested more money for his Russian investigation, and the Lefties are citing this as not only the reason (and only reason) for his firing, but as proof of Trump's guilt. Because who, other than a guilty man, would discourage an investigation?!

An innocent man, that's who. An innocent man who already knows there's no substance to the allegations, and sees no reason in funding a years-long political sideshow designed only to impede his Presidency.

Whatever your political ideology, it should be easy to agree that James Comey was an unpredictable, unprofessional, self-involved train wreck who had destroyed the credibility of his office and agency. Everyone should be glad to see him gone.

And if the Left isn't glad, well, that's just a free bonus.

How the Left imagines Trump's dresser drawers.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Two Arms, Two Arms!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, earwigs, arms, woman

Okay, you know the drill by now: the news is predictably blah, we've got a tight schedule (for reasons too boring to enumerate),  and a dab too much stress. So we turn on our soothing recording of a vacuum cleaner and do an "Earwigs" cartoon to relax.

We'll also admit that this is sort of a trying week, emotionally. Father Jarlsberg passed away on the Cinco de Mayo, 11 years ago last week. And tomorrow is May 11 (which was a Mother's Day in 2010), and marks the last time we spoke to Mother Jarlsberg 7 years ago before her unexpected death.  So we have an unprintable suggestion for May and the dark horse it rode in on, and can use all the light levity we can muster.

And for no reason whatsoever other than to fill space and splash a little color on this page, here's an odd little bonus cartoon for you movie lovers...

There is NOTHING in the film to contradict this.
LATE-BREAKING BONUS: FIB DIRECTOR FIRED!

And yes, the spelling above was deliberate.


Monday, May 8, 2017

Fresh Earwigs

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One of the primary differences between Hope n' Change Cartoons and Stilton's Place is that we no longer feel compelled to visit the subject of politics with every post - in part because we're not feeling the day to day assault from the Obama administration anymore, and not really looking to go out of our way to find fresh sources of stress.

Which is why you're getting a nice, fresh Earwigs cartoon today  - which hopefully gives you a fun start to your Monday, while freeing up our time to work on purging our home of superfluous bric-a-brac before starting some pretty major renovations soon. Not that we'll be doing the work, mind you. We'll just be signing the checks and weeping the bitter salt tears.

Part of the purge is finally converting about a cubic yard of old VHS videotapes to digital format. For those of us having sensitive dispositions, it can be a very emotional experience to see some of those decades-old images again. In part because they frequently leave me wondering "why the heck did I think I would want to ever see this again in my doddering old age?!"

But then something many years old will pop up, putting a smile on my face and making the whole process worthwhile.

I'm referring, of course, to a shot of scotch.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Pre-existing Political Conditions

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stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, healthcare, bill, GOP, obamacare, repeal, insurance

So, why are there two cartoons today instead of just one? Because we're sick (not in the demented sense, which is sort of our day-to-day normal, but in the coughing, hacking, and spraying phlegm sense) and we honestly don't know if either cartoon will connect, so we thought we'd throw them both out there and hope for the best.

Personally, we have a fondness for the ducks (who haven't appeared here since 2013) and the solidly constructed comedic phrase "Aunt Edna's schnozz." But then again, we've coughed ourselves into a concussion and may be judgement impaired.

We don't have a lot to say about the passage of the GOP Health Insurance bill just yet, although we think that the DrudgeReport got waaaaaaaaaay ahead of themselves by declaring that this means Obamacare has been repealed. Not hardly, folks.

Moreover, we don't really have a firm grasp of what's contained in the House bill, and how much it might change in the Senate. We do know that the bill throws roughly $138 billion into helping make sure that people with pre-existing conditions can get insurance as the market "stabilizes."

Although to our ears, that simply sounds like propping up the system with taxpayer cash (unavoidable after Obamacare) until a future date - at which point people who have deliberately not insured themselves will finally and inevitably suffer the dire consequences of their poor decision making skills. Only we all know that will never happen.

In the classic sense, real "insurance" can't co-exist with a mandate to accept people with pre-existing conditions without charging them higher rates...at least, not in the long run. The GOP bill attempts to remedy this by re-establishing high risk pools which taxpayers will help fund - but in the end, the health insurance system will have to be either market driven or government driven, not both. We're hoping that yesterday's vote will be a step in the right direction.

And we'd say more, only now we're coughing flecks of lung tissue on our computer screen and having no real success wiping them off with the tiny (but numerous) wax paper wrappers from our extra-menthol cough drops.

Cough drops we damn well paid for ourselves.

No, the irony isn't lost on us.


UPDATE: PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS

Hilariously, the Left is going insane on social media claiming that the new healthcare bill strikes down coverage of any pre-existing conditions (which it doesn't) and also defines "pre-existing conditions" to include things like rape, domestic violence, c-sections and more. Cher is even bitching that she won't be able to get her asthma medication anymore.

It's all lies, of course, and easy enough to check - although that's not as much fun as spewing outrage and virtue signaling on Twitter and Facebook. A friend who is an actual, certified expert in health insurance matters (you've likely seen him on TV) lays out these simple truths about the new plan:

Those who keep consistent coverage in place without any lapse in coverage will be able to move freely from one policy to the next and cannot be charged anymore for a preexisting condition. Those who REFUSE to keep consistent coverage in place and who as such attempt to 'game the system' by WAITING until they are SICK to buy health insurance (which drives up the costs for everyone else) will be penalized up to 30% more for health insurance. Those who are so sick that they are uninsurable (which is about 5% of the 23 million who buy individual health insurance) will be able to buy affordable health insurance coverage through state high risk health insurance pools. $128 billion was allocated to ensure that those people have affordable coverage when they buy health insurance in the state run high risk health insurance pools. This is the way it was done for 20 years before Obamacare as dictated in 1996 HIPAA law. The problem was there were about 5 states that did not follow that federal HIPPA law and did not have a functional high risk pool in their state. This law mandates that they not only have one but that it is well funded.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Stick It In Your (Good) Ear

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, colbert, cock holster, cbs, jack paar, water closet
Yes, that's an actual quote from Colbert.
We'd like to feign outrage at Stephen Colbert for his extended, gutter-language attack on President Trump on the CBS "Late Show," but frankly we've come to expect this bottom-scraping level of discourse from the Left.

More than anything else, this incident has given us a moment of nostalgia for the days when obscenity wasn't considered family entertainment. Specifically, we're remembering when Jack Paar, the wildly popular host of "The Tonight Show" at the time, actually lost his job after he dared to utter the words "water closet" (a gentle euphemism for "bathroom," as if one were needed) on his late night broadcast. How times have changed - and not for the better.

Mind you, when it comes to being garbage-mouthed, we can personally put Tourette's patients to shame. But we're not on a national stage, talking about the President of the United States. And in eight years of attacking Barack Obama, with cause, we never went quite as far as Colbert did. Except maybe that one Valentine's Day when we mentioned that Barry and his "body man," Reggie Love, could use Preperation-H to make their relationship even tighter.

Perhaps Colbert's screed can be attributed to the well-documented ratings war between himself and his late night rival Jimmy Fallon. The race for first place is thought to boil down to (and "I kid you not," as Paar used to say) which host can be the most vicious in his attacks on Trump. Or maybe the genuinely witty (but wildly liberal) Colbert has simply lost his mind after enduring 100 days of a President trying to make America great again.

We aren't going to boycott Colbert, because we already don't watch his show. But we hope he cleans up his act, and restricts his scatological outbursts to a more appropriate time and place.

We're thinking the water closet.

We have no idea, however, if he also has asymmetrical nuts.
BONUS: AND SPEAKING OF WATER CLOSETS...

In keeping with our reflection on the once-genteel nature of popular entertainment, we thought it would be fun to share a bit of movie trivia we recently discovered.

Back in 1960, Alfred Hitchcock's classic film"Psycho" was the first American movie (let alone TV show) to show a toilet being flushed. Audiences were shocked and horrified, even though the commode (oops, there goes our late night TV career) was only being used to dispose of torn scraps of paper.

Not even toilet paper. And definitely not used toilet paper. Which could probably get its own late night show these days.

The film that changed the whirl of motion pictures!

Monday, May 1, 2017

White House Correspondunce

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, white house, correspondents, dinner, hypocrisy, free speech, minhaj, brahms, academic





Despite recent electoral upsets, when it comes to hypocrisy the Left still dominates the playing field. How else to explain the White House Correspondents Dinner, in which crude character assassination is passed off as "humor," in juxtaposition to the progressives' absolute apoplexy - and sporadic violence - directed against speakers like Milo, Charles Murray, or Ann Coulter?

President Trump wisely chose to break tradition (which is somewhat redundant, now that we think of it) and skip out on the media's self-congratulatory banquet. And by "self-congratulatory," we mean the kind of activity which usually results in needing glasses.

The evening was unsurprisingly filled with one-sidedly ugly remarks which can't remotely be described as jokes, including all those sentiments (sometimes cleaned up, sometimes not) shown in the cartoon above.

The event was emceed by alleged comedian Hasan Minhaj, who was particularly smug about being a Muslim - the first, we believe, to appear at the prestigious podium since Barack Obama. And we're not saying that his act was intended to bomb, but based on the material it seems likely that he was expecting to get 72 virgins out of the deal.

Indeed, the only genuinely funny thing at the banquet was Bob Woodward's assertion that there's no such thing as "fake news" being produced by the drunken luminaries in attendance. Now that's laughable.

BONUS: WE'LL DRINK TO THAT!

Daughter Jarlsberg would like to send sincere thanks to one and all for the many kind birthday wishes and nice remarks about her list of life lessons, and also share an insight behind her choice of Brahm's "Academic Festival Overture" as a personal theme song...

"There's a funny story behind Academic Festival Overture, which is part of why I love it so much. Essentially, the University of Breslau told Brahms that they were going to present him with an honorary degree. In return, they expected him to write them their own piece of music. Brahms thought that was pretty presumptuous of them, so to thumb his nose at them, the piece is actually a collection of student drinking songs. So much sass!"

Well played, Johannes, well played.

Friday, April 28, 2017

30 Rocks!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, daughter jarlsberg, 30, birthday, wisdom

Today we're doing something unprecedented: giving you a youthful perspective on life and living in 2017, rather than our standard fist-shaking "angry old coot with a bullhorn" perspective.

We're doing this in honor of (and with the indispensable help of) Daughter Jarlsberg, who celebrated her 30th birthday yesterday! 

If you'll allow a moment of parental gushing, she's an extraordinary young woman who - among many other accomplishments - has been a National Merit Scholar, Phi Beta Kappa college graduate, Dallas Morning News editorial writer, Symphony Orchestra musician, children's book author, and is a Speech Therapist who has a special gift for working with young children.

She's also faced (and overcome) more than her share of challenges, including significant health conditions, entering the workforce during the "lost generation" of the job-killing Obama economy, and the always-frightening possibility that she could grow up as crazy as her father. Let us all give thanks for the ameliorating qualities of Mrs. Jarlsberg's calming genes and maternal guidance.

With that preamble out of the way, here are 30 Life Lessons that this freshly-minted 30-year-old has picked up along her journey so far. Let us all learn from her wisdom...


1. Nothing good ever comes from clowns. 

2. Never try to blackmail a murderer.

3. Have a flashlight in every room - you never know where you're going to be when the lights go out. 

4. You can microwave regular oatmeal just like instant oatmeal. 

5. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person to still be bad news. 

6. Understand statistics - otherwise people will lie to you with facts. 

7. Understand personal finance.

8. If you're going to speed when driving, make sure someone else is going faster than you. That's who the police will pull over.

9. Driving and competitiveness should have nothing to do with each other. Let the angry speed demons pass you.  My personal zen-like phrase is "be the rock in the river." 

10. Life is too short for cheap, crappy toilet paper. 

11. One's living space should be both tidy and expressive of your life and personality. This ensures that, when you are murdered, the forensics team and investigators will be able to get a clear picture of your circumstances and thus more likely to catch the killer.

12. Large groups of women can quickly turn into war zones about nothing.

13. There are more sociopaths in the world than you would think.

14. All Christmas lights are beautiful.

15. Prolonged self-pity is a form of narcissism. 

16. There is a very tight correlation between parents who refuse to discipline their precious babies and parents that get easily, easily offended. 

17. You can generally identify these parents before even meeting them by hearing the 'creative' names of their children. I'm looking at you, Camelot.

18. Even when they make you crazy, having a dog keeps you sane. 

19. Stick up for people being bullied. You'll probably end up being bullied too, but no one should have to feel isolated and alone. 

20. Very few people tolerate someone making a constant stream of puns. Keep them close and cherish them.

21. Ramen stops being cheap when you have to buy heartburn medicine to go with it.

22. Beware the quiet ones - they are the ones who, when pushed too hard, will lose their minds with rage. As the quiet one, I admit to relishing the look of absolute, pants-staining terror on the faces of those who didn't see it coming. I'm looking at you, jocks who threw french fries at me. ONCE.

23. Running a spoon under hot water, then placing it on a mosquito bite, will instantly stop the itching. I feel sad for all of the summers I didn't know this. 

24. Compatibility with your co-workers makes up to 99% of your job satisfaction.

25. Wear comfortable, practical shoes. You never know when the zombie apocalypse will start, and trying to run in strappy stiletto heels is a recipe for disaster. 

26. Don't try to hide mistakes. It just makes things harder for everyone. 

27. It's nice to have your own theme song. Mine is Academic Festival Overture by Brahms. 

28. Never underestimate Japan's power to screw with your mind. 

29. Life doesn't owe you a thing. 

30. Sometimes, when you get stuck in a routine, it feels like your life is being lived for you. Those are the times to do something a little different - it reminds you that your life is yours.  So yeah, I am going to get that third ear piercing! Sorry Mom and Dad!


Good stuff, huh?  Feel free to add to this list of useful life lessons - and share 30th birthday wishes - in the comments section!


Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Wall Grins

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, border wall, funding, shut down, cerebus, dog, hell

Rather than having the Democrats shut down the government and turn the undeserving American people away from Mount Rushmore, Old Faithful, and the Washington Monument, Donald Trump has agreed to let an interim spending bill (is there any other kind?) proceed without the startup money for his border wall - but promises that he'll get better results in September.

Not that he's getting bad results right now - just the threat of Trump's policies has cut illegal border crossings by 70% to 90% in some areas, with the most recent report showing the lowest incursion of illegals in 17 years. That's impressive. Donald Trump is actually accomplishing more with words than Democrats can traditionally accomplish with money and misbehaving. Granted, much of the difference comes from Trump being sincere about his goals.

Frankly, we don't know if Trump is really planning to strike a deal with Hades Holdings LLC to rent Cerberus, the many-headed demon dog, and put him to work guarding our borders. But it's that kind of creative thinking which is giving potential interlopers (and yes, a number of gang members, drug dealers, terrorists, and rapists) serious second thoughts about trying to sneak in...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, border wall, funding, shut down, cerebus, dog, hell
Not just great security - also great TV!

Monday, April 24, 2017

The First 100 Daze

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Even though Donald Trump's Presidency doesn't hit the 100 day mark until Saturday, April 29th, it was a major talking point in the news media this weekend. This is primarily because the people who claim to be journalists these days just love big dumb stories about big dumb round numbers, and offering their worthless opinions rather than doing anything even remotely like reportage.

So we'll do it too!

As you'll recall unless you drink as much as we do, Barack Obama spent the entirety of his first 100 days being fellated by the press, bowing to foreign potentates, making a famous "apology tour" to explain to foreigners how much our nation has always sucked, labeling military veterans as "potential terrorists," incinerating taxpayer dollars with preposterous "stimulus programs" that only stimulated ACORN and other liberal evildoers and, most importantly, did all of these things while simultaneously being historically black. In stark contrast, Donald Trump has actually tried to accomplish things while being orange. But how has he fared?

All in all, pretty well. For one thing, he hasn't destroyed the Earth in an insane, orgiastic display of nuclear button pushing - so count the pundits wrong on that worry. Similarly, we've noticed no particular increase in "pussy grabbing," other than among feminists (or should we call them fetishists?) who have taken to wearing giant vagina costumes. A trend which, sadly, appears to have driven former Fox News anchor Bill O'Reilly mad with lust.

Trump has been great for the stock market, which we wish we would have foreseen before selling a crapload of securities under the assumption that one of Trump's nutty 3 a.m. tweets would quickly crash the market. We stand corrected (note: stock market humor).

Trump has also been good at reestablishing the military significance of "red lines" including those drawn (and withdrawn) by previous presidents. And hey, any President who introduces ISIS to the "Mother of All Bombs" deserves extra style points in our book.

Perhaps most significantly, President Trump presided over Neil Gorsuch's ascendancy to the Supreme Court - a fact which would cause us to hang a triumphant "Mission Accomplished" banner over his presidency even if he spends the next four years golfing and hosting pep rallies.

Of course, some of Trump's campaign promises have yet to be realized. Obamacare is still a cancer on our nation's health system, the Border Wall hasn't been funded yet, and - most tragically - Hillary Clinton still isn't in prison.

Then again, who knows what Trump can get done by Saturday?

BONUS: THE OTHER 100 DAZE


Want the original Hope n' Change "First 100 Daze" PDF ebook to remind you of just how godawful Barack F. Obama was from the very beginning? Just click this link and download it for free (note: it's about 12 MB owing to all the graphics).

AND FINALLY: IT'S ALIVE - ALIVE!!!


After several days of panic, misery, and extremely theatrical suffering (sorry, Mrs. J!) we've got our computer up and running again. And by "running," we mean limping, covered in stitches, and with electrodes sticking out of its neck.

There's no way to make computer repair stories interesting, so we'll keep this short and say that it was scary to realize how truly screwed we'd be if we couldn't put the pieces back together again. We couldn't just buy a new computer, because our tangled web of programs will only run on an old computer with an outdated operating system.

So why not just update everything? Because we're not as young as we used to be, and no longer have a sufficient quantity of marbles to mentally adapt to the new tech. Seriously, the Obama years took a toll.

We do, however, want to thank the many readers who sent good wishes, condolences, wisecracks (we particularly liked "those Commodore computers don't last forever"), repair suggestions, and even the offer of a free laptop.

The one and only reason we got through this is because we were good about backing things up (using Time Machine and an external hard drive on a Mac). Please make sure you're doing the same - you won't regret it.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Technical Difficulties


Well, after complaining about everything other than our computer on Wednesday, our faithful old iMac gave up the ghost yesterday. In lieu of flowers, we encourage mourners to send alcohol.

Seriously, we've got a replacement machine heading our way (a snappy used 2011 model) via Fed Ex, but we're not sure how quickly (or completely) we can get things back to normal-ish. We're guessing maybe Wednesday of next week. Or later if enough of you actually send the aforementioned alcohol.

Have a great weekend, and remember to back up your computers. Seriously, go do it right now.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

You Need A Higher Dose of Meditation

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, vacuum, vacuum cleaner, white noise, relaxation, stress
Unsurprisingly, vacuums abhor Nature, too.
Have you ever had one of those days where nothing seems to go right? Well, you're having another one right now, because today we've got neither news coverage, an Earwigs cartoon, or even Busty Ross buffing her nails.

Rather, you've just accidentally stumbled into a whiny rant from which there is no escape, assuming you don't know that there are an infinite number of other websites only a click away.

Our subject du jour is "stress" - and how we personally try to cope with it.

The Stressors:

• Yesterday, daughter Jarlsberg made the long drive back to Oklahoma City (always a source of parental worry). No sooner had she departed than previously unpredicted storms popped up along her entire route. And for those who don't live in Texas or Oklahoma, we should specify that when storms "pop up" (which sounds cute and fun), it can also mean the appearance of volleyball-sized hail traveling faster than the speed of sound, and tornadoes whose sizes are described on a scale ranging from "F1" to "F5" depending on how many times you use the F-word upon seeing the funnel heading your way. (Spoiler alert: she made the trip without incident).

• We simultaneously had a visit from a (ha!) service technician from Frontier Communications. The idea was to increase our Internet speed - a gift from Frontier for having screwed up our account every month for an entire year. When the tech left, our Internet was indeed blazingly fast for the 5 minutes it stayed connected. And - oops! - our television was completely out.

We subsequently spent four agonizing hours on tech support lines - getting hung up on at least three times despite our inordinate civility and goodwill - and ended the day with Internet working sporadically, but still no TV. Which wouldn't be a great loss, but when Drudge is screaming in red headlines "NUCLEAR WAR AT ANY DAMN SECOND!" it does rather pique one's curiosity about what might be happening on the news.


• Added to this, here at Castle Jarlsberg, we're preparing to do some major renovations. How major? Let's just say that the word "gut" is the most frequently used verb. For those of us who are, by nature, barnacles, it can be highly disconcerting to entertain the idea of throwing things out, tearing things down, and then having new things built, painted, patched, plumbed, or plundered by the same sorts of pathological "service providers" that Frontier Communications uses to terrorize their customers.

• And then there's all the usual background stress, including that pesky "possible nuclear war" thing, random Facebook killers (happily, that one has sorted itself out), pro-Trump and anti-Trump people beating the snot out of each other in Berkeley, the infirmities of advancing age, the stock market (we lost a bundle today), and - oh yeah - a blog deadline!

How We Cope With Stress:

• We'll bet you said "by drinking," right?! HA! Well, okay, we do have a snort or so of Clan MacGregor.

• Cheap Chinese food also works in the short term.


• But the most important factor in reducing stress is: listening to a good, loud vacuum cleaner. We're not joking in the least. For us, that jet engine whine with just a soupçon of suck is the sound of peace and relaxation (not to mention a great help with our unending smoke-detector-shriek tinnitus).


At this very moment, we're using the Amazon Echo device (with 7 microphones reporting our every utterance to the NSA) to play an endless loop of a vacuum cleaner in order to keep our heart rate beneath that of a meth-addicted hummingbird. And when we go to bed at night, to soothe us into stress-free slumber, we'll listen to our MP3 recording of a vacuum cleaner in a thunderstorm


In any event, just complaining about all of this stuff has helped us feel a bit better. And if we unfortunately stressed YOU out in the process, well, here's 8 hours of sonic relief...

Monday, April 17, 2017

Holidazed

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Click picture for larger/clearer version
As you've already noticed, we're skipping the news today because we didn't feel like spending Easter trying to find a rib-tickling angle to Donald Trump and Kim Jung Un's ongoing game of nuclear chicken. Oh, there's probably a joke to be had about the Easter Bunny and a "hare raising" arms race, but we've got far too much pride to go down that road.

But hey, at least there's an Earwigs cartoon tucked into your basket of goodies between the Cadbury eggs and marshmallow Peeps, as well as this blast from the past...

FROM THE VAULT: Originally Published April 12, 2009
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Friday, April 14, 2017

Equal Deployment Opportunity

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A significant number of ISIS fighters became WASWAS fighters yesterday, after finding themselves on the receiving end of the United States' "Mother Of All Bombs" - the 21,000 pound MOAB which is our largest non-nuclear armament. It had never previously been used in combat, because our previous president was better known for deploying "the mother of all jeans" when dressing casually.

The bomb, the destructive power of which can not be described without using a lengthy chain of expletives, took out a tunnel complex in Nangahar province, Afghanistan. Perhaps not coincidentally, this is the same area where a member of our special forces, Staff Sgt Mark De Alencar, was tragically killed in action only days ago.

In other words, this is the very definition of the Trump administration "sending a clear message."

And not just to ISIS. It seems reasonable to think that preposterously gigantic explosions that turn America's enemies into pink mist might also be raising eyebrows in Syria, North Korea, Russia, Iran, and über-liberal parts of California.

By the way, when we heard that the "Mother of All Bombs" had been dropped from an aircraft, we were tempted to make a joke about Hillary Clinton being ejected by United Airlines mid-flight. But we didn't because it was too easy.

Not to mention, too cruel a thing to do to ISIS.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Flight Schooled

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, united, passenger, dragged, war, obama, air force one

Truth be told, we don't really give a rat's rear end about the story of the guy dragged off the United flight, but we couldn't resist the mental image of Barry being dragged down an aisle while kicking, biting, scratching, weeping, and...as long as we're enjoying our fantasy...wetting himself.

As far as the actual story goes, the details keep changing - but it seems safe to say that the gentleman pulled from the plane had voluntarily entered the "asshole zone" by not leaving his seat without a fight (hint: when people with guns ask you to do something on a plane, it's a good idea to do it).

And frankly, the only reason that this is a story is because people got video of the last, most colorful moments of the confrontation...and it's proved to be more interesting on the vast brainless platforms of social media than other current news stories like, oh, impending nuclear war.

We live in strange and frighteningly superficial times.

BONUS: Expert Analysis from John the Econ

United Airlines shows how to make a PR crisis a total disaster

Short story: Flight overbooked, and United needed 4 seats to get a crew staged at the next stop. They offered $800 and a hotel for volunteers to get bumped for a flight the following afternoon. When they found no takers, instead of upping the offer they had the computer randomly select 4 passengers who had already boarded and were seated and asked that they deplane. When one refused, they called security to actually and literally drag him off the plane. Cell phone video of man being dragged down aisle goes viral.

So what did we actually witness yesterday? A great example of "Social Justice" being substituted for simple capitalism. For whatever reason, when there were no takers at $800, instead of raising the bid to $900 or more, the agents in charge decided to get their seats in a "fair" manner by allowing a computer to randomly select the 4 passengers to be inconvenienced. Of course, it certainly didn't feel "fair" or like "justice" for the 4 people pulled from the flight, but that's the problem with "Social Justice", isn't it? Somebody ultimately gets screwed so others can be happy.

Of course, in retrospect this was all really stupid. You can't convince me that on a plane of 200 or so people that they couldn't have found a market clearing price for at least 4 people. (They might have had me at $1,500 or so - Mrs. Econ, who really wants a vacation would have made me) Clearly, the United personnel on the scene didn't want (or may not have been authorized) to offer that much. So they went the draconian route.

But in the end, the free market ultimately gets its retribution. In the wake of what happened United has suffered an incalculable PR disaster and is now the butt of jokes internationally. (Many of the memes floating about the Internet are a hoot) This morning, UAL's stock price dropped several percent, resulting in around $800,000,000 of market capitalization evaporating last I looked. Makes paying $4-or-5 thousand to buy the good graces of 4 people look kinda cheap now, doesn't it?

So next time you see a social justice warrior demand that "social justice" replace the laws of supply and demand, remember the guy who was dragged off the plane. Usually, you don't get to see the victims of such "just" policy so vividly.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Hit and Misogyny

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hillary, misogyny, comey, election

While today's cartoon might appear to be a clear example of blatant misogyny, it is actually "meta" misogyny which celebrates and empowers women by ironically mocking those who would mischaracterize misogyny for their own political benefit. Like this bitch, for instance.

Again, "meta" misogyny in the service of humor! Jon Swift (the author of the seminal work on politics, "Gullible's Travails") would totally be high-fiving us about now.

The (ahem) "news" story, if you were lucky enough to have missed it, is that Hillary Clinton has returned from 40 years of God-ordained wandering in the wilderness, fasting and having religious visions, to face the cold hard facts about her election loss. And according to Hillary, those facts are that the Russians magically hacked the election, FBI Director James Comey was a suicide bomber, and everybody in America - including women - hates women.

"Certainly misogyny played a role," the bitter, garishly-dressed, stringy-haired old woman whined, "That just has to be admitted."

Well, no, it doesn't have to be admitted. There are female leaders all over the world, and countless women in positions of authority - including governmental authority - here in the United States. So it seems likely that Hillary's unpopularity isn't so much linked to her gender as it is tied to her long history of being a horrible human being, serial liar, inept politician, rape enabler, and thief.

All of which might become clear to Hillary if, instead of looking for answers in a "glass ceiling," she looked for them in a mirror.

BONUS: STICKING HIS NECK OUT

Meanwhile, as the clock ticks on Syria, Russia, Iran, and North Korea...

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Friday, April 7, 2017

Enjoying A Little Nukie

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, gorsuch, supreme court, nuclear option, schumer

History was made yesterday when, for the first time since our nation became a nation, Democrats filibustered an exemplary Supreme Court Nominee because - and we've got plenty of political scientists and analysts to back us up on this - they're complete and total assholes.

The only way around this epic act of douchebaggery was for Senate Republicans to invoke the so-called "nuclear option," which - disappointingly - did not require inviting Democrats to "a picnic and special surprise" in the remotest corner of Nevada while a gleeful Donald Trump punched their coordinates into his suitcase nuclear launch device.

Rather, it involved changing Senate rules to allow a Supreme Court nominee to be confirmed with a simple majority of 51 votes, rather than requiring the 60 votes which has traditionally been the standard. And under this rule, we should see standout nominee Judge Gorsuch confirmed for the Supreme Court sometime today.

We would say that the Democrats are losing their freaking minds over this, only that ship sailed a long time ago.

And while we're not wild about this change in Senate rules (which will give additional power to the Democrats next time they're in charge), we think some form of "nuking the Democrats" (metaphorically speaking) might as well become our nation's default policy for the next four years.

Shut them up, shut them out, and shut them down. 

And if they make a stink, we just put our blast goggles back on and ka-BLOOEY! Because if, within our own halls of government, we can't find a little peace in our time...we'll settle for little pieces.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Dirty Rice

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, susan rice, spying, trump, obama, surveillance, benghazi, youtube, video
Burn, baby, burn.
It now appears that one of the chief mischief-makers behind the surveillance and information leaks related to the Trump administration is Obama crony and serial liar Susan Rice. According to a growing number of reports, she asked intelligence agencies to break with traditional policies and tell her the names of Trump associates who were (ahem) "accidentally" caught on surveillance tapes, as well as the content of their conversations.

This would, of course, only be a problem if Ms. Rice was a reprehensible person working in cahoots with a cabal of Machiavellian anti-Americans who intended to use the information for political purposes. In other words, this is one hell of a problem.

Rice has adamantly declared that she did nothing wrong, adding "I leaked nothing to nobody." Which, by the inflexible rules pertaining to the use of double negatives, means that she leaked everything to everybody.  No doubt with considerable help from Barack Obama, who spontaneously (why does that word keep coming up in association with Susan Rice?) changed the rules pertaining to inter-agency sharing of raw intelligence just before leaving office in order to ensure as much damage to the incoming Trump administration as possible.

And speaking of Barry, just where is he while all this damning information is coming out...?

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, susan rice, spying, trump, obama, surveillance, benghazi, youtube, video

AND FROM THE VAULT...

When it comes to forgiving and forgetting, we don't do either.

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Monday, April 3, 2017

Captions Courageous

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Surprise! It's another Earwigs day, because there's still nothing particularly compelling in the news, and here in north Texas we've got an all-day soaking rain going on that is lulling us into a coma. And yes, we still blame Daylight Saving Time.

And just for the fun of it, here are the "April Fool's Day" stories that we ran on Facebook. Not that these stories look much different than all the other fake news out there...



Bonus: MSNBC fans can bid for the rubber glove on eBay!