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Friday, February 21, 2020

Clowns To The Far Left Of Me

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Wednesday's Democratic debate was a political cuisinart which pureed the remaining candidates into a delicious smoothie for Donald Trump to sip at his leisure.

The six candidates took turns bashing each other and saying absolutely horrible things, all of which - for a pleasant change - were true. Everyone hated Bloomberg for his wealth and his actual history of getting some good things done as mayor of New York, all of which he's now renounced (the accomplishments, not his apparently endless supply of money).

Elizabeth Warren, apparently too full of firewater, swung her tomahawk at everyone. Bernie Sanders had steam blowing out of his ears when Bloomberg called him a millionaire with three houses and, just for good measure, policies that amount to communism. Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar attacked each other in a desperate bid to prove that each wasn't the lamest candidate on stage - an effort which both won when they noticed that Joe Biden was, inexplicably, still in the debates.

The DNC can't be happy about this public display of disorganization, non-unity, and whatever the hell the opposite of "charisma" is. It's a bit too early to call, but it's looking more and more likely that the Democrats will end up with a brokered convention in which the eventual candidate is selected rather than elected.

And we don't want to say who that candidate will be, but we think we can hear her having a coughing spell just offstage.

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Wednesday, February 19, 2020

The Road to Hell is Paved

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, obama, trump, economic recovery, anniversary, trump economy, stimulus, shovel ready

Barack Obama has churned social media (and sent President Trump into another tweet storm) thanks to this absolutely ludicrous post...


That's right, the a**hole is trying to take credit for the Trump economy by simply throwing down a Big Lie and trusting America's demonstrable history-related  amnesia to let him get away with it. But as the saying goes, "Pepperidge Farm remembers...and so do people who were scarred by 8 years of the Worst Frigging President Ever." Which is why we know that he signed the (ha!) Recovery Act eleven years ago...and it was declared a complete failure only one year later (and every year thereafter). 

To prove this point, let's climb into our convenient time machine...

(10/24/2009)


A White House economist has released a news bulletin for the millions of Americans waiting for Obama's $787 billion dollar "stimulus package" to start doing something to help them: "it's already over." If you blinked, you missed it.

Despite unprecedented (and unsecured) government spending, 49 of 50 states continued to bleed jobs as unemployment levels soared to new highs. Put another way, the "stimulus" didn't stimulate squat. Meanwhile, the Whitehouse continues to claim that the stimulus package saved millions of imaginary jobs that "might have been lost but weren't," and also deflected giant asteroids that "could have struck the Earth but didn't."

(10/15/2010)


If it's true that a sucker is born every minute, Barack Obama is not only the "man of the hour," he's quite possibly either the biggest sucker...or biggest con-artist...of the century.

How else to explain his recent admission that "there's no such thing as a shovel-ready project," after spending nearly a 
trillion taxpayer dollars on these figments of his imagination?

While disappointed to admit that investing in non-existent shovel-ready jobs was perhaps the 
most expensive financial blunder in history, the president has a number of solid fallback plans with which to bolster the U.S. economy.

He's directed Michelle Obama and "those fat kids" to plant money trees in the White House garden... Obamacare dental clinics are collecting teeth to put under the president's pillow for the tooth fairy... and a nationwide search is taking place for geese which lay golden eggs (although there's concern that members of the president's party may immediately kill them to get the "gold inside.")

And as for the $800 billion spent on shovels, well...they'll soon be used to bury the political careers of a 
lot of Democrats.

(07/06/2011)


Like Democrats, dogs have a very limited list of possible solutions for all problems. For Democrats, it's demagoguery or tax and spend. For dogs, it's taking a nap or licking themselves. And in many cases, the dogs' options are not only more effective, but trillions of dollars cheaper.

As a case in point, Obama's Council of Economic Advisors just released their report on the president's stimulus bill...apparently unaware (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) that with all of the 4th of July parades, celebrations, and fireworks, and with all the conservative commentators on vacation, their findings would escape close scrutiny.

Obama's own experts found that the government spent $278,000 of taxpayer money for every job "created or saved." Meaning we could have just hired 2.7 million street sweepers for $100,000 each...and we would not only have saved $427 billion dollars, but we'd have streets so clean you could eat off them. Or in this economy, sleep in them.

But the report also notes that the number of jobs "created or saved" by the president's use of a monetary fire hose has recently declined from 2.7 million to 2.4 million...meaning that in the past 6 months, the "stimulus" has actually caused 288,000 people to lose their jobs. And experts speculate that our economy would now be hiring at a faster rate if no stimulus had ever been passed.

But at least spending all of that money felt really good for the president (and surely felt pretty good to all the politically connected types who actually received the money).

Still, for the future of our country, we think the president should replace his current economic advisers with dogs.  

And perhaps take up yoga.

Monday, February 17, 2020

Minimum Rage

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, presidents day, clintons, eat free, bloomberg, sanders, hillary, $15 an hour, minimum wage

It's increasingly likely that Bernie Sanders' least favorite billionaire with delusions of grandeur is no longer Donald Trump, but Democrat Mike Bloomberg who is buying his way into a possible nomination, and stealing whatever else he needs.

In this case, it's Bernie's long promised platform of making the minimum wage $15 an hour - a hugely popular position among the multitude of young Sanders enthusiasts who have enough self-awareness to know that their careers are likely to peak while receiving minimum wage.

Although a late entry into the race, Bloomberg has a real shot at the nomination thanks to his ability to not only buy massive amounts of advertising, but also his willingness to buy endorsements and hire the best political strategists (more than he needs) at high rates just to keep them from working on the campaigns of other candidates.

Of course, Bloomberg isn't the only threat to Bernie's ascendancy just now. The DNC believes, no doubt accurately, that a Sanders candidacy would guarantee another four years of Trump and very likely give Republicans the House of Representatives. Which is why the DNC is bending or breaking all of their own rules in order to grease the skids for Bloomberg.

Plus, Bloomberg may have another surprise for Bernie up his short little sleeve...

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People unclear on the whole "heartbeat away" thing...
There are reports that Bloomberg has explored the possibility of making Hillary Clinton his running mate, and neither Bloomberg nor Hillary will firmly deny it.

Frankly, we don't think it's going to happen because Hillary would never settle for being Vice President, and Bloomberg doesn't want to be violently suicided. It's more likely that this "news" has been leaked to tempt diehard Hillary fans to vote for Bloomberg rather than Bernie in the primaries - a nasty trick which fits the modus operandi of both Hillary and the DNC perfectly.

Then again, it's been speculated that Bloomberg doesn't really want the presidency, but desperately wants Trump out of office. Given that scenario, we could see a Bloomberg / Clinton ticket happening, with a tacit understanding between the two of them that Bloomberg would quickly step aside without the need to shoot himself in the back of the head a couple of dozen times.

FROM THE VAULT: PRESIDENTS DAY / TRY THE CROW

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Friday, February 14, 2020

The Great White Dope

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Following disastrous showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Joe Biden's political survival now hangs on getting a big win in his so-called "firewall" state, South Carolina, with the help of black voters. The problem is that black voters are starting to ask what the hell Democrats in general, and Joe in particular, have ever done for them?

Moreover, no candidate (and we're including Trump in the mix) has a longer record of casually racist-sounding remarks. How else to explain his description of Obama, back in 2007, as "articulate, bright, and clean"? Or his telling an audience of black mayors that a key educational problem in their communities is that black parents "can't read or write themselves." A gaffe that Biden bounced back from, in his own mind, by proclaiming that "poor kids are as bright as white kids."

And in recent months, everyone - including black voters - has been treated to video of Biden speaking to a bunch of black kids at a community swimming pool and telling him that when he was a lifeguard, black kids would stroke the golden hairs on his legs with wonder - presumably the way the natives of Skull Island considered white woman Faye Wray to be a godlike creature.

In that same visit, Biden told the kids that there were a bunch of dangerous black kids at the pool who were lead by a "tough guy named corn pop" who "kept his straight razor in the rain barrel," but that the way a white guy could intimidate such racial rowdies was by threatening them with chains.

Meanwhile, in his first term, Trump has made America better for all minorities than Clueless Joe has done in a decades-spanning career as a political hack...and the voters he most needs know it. Hopefully, South Carolina will be the firewall that protects us all from race hustlers like Biden.

What he lacks in awareness, he makes up for in enthusiasm
FROM THE VAULT: SHACKLED SHEKELS (February 27, 2015)

obama, obama jokes, political, humor, cartoon, conservative, hope n' change, hope and change, stilton jarlsberg, biden, emancipate, wealth, black history

Joe Biden hosted a Black History Month event at his residence on Monday ("Try the hors d'oeuvres," he insisted, "They're all made with peanut butter!") and as usual ended up with controversial comments sticking to the roof of his mouth.

After years of hearing that taxpayers want him to keep his hands off their "cotton-picking money," Joe apparently came to believe that the money really is picking cotton, singing spirituals, and being held in slavery by the evil rich.

"This cannot stand!" Biden shouted at the invitees, nearly causing his stovepipe hat to topple. "It's not fair!"

"Business experts are saying that the concentration of wealth is stunting growth," Biden continued in a clear reference to former child star Gary Coleman, "So let's do something that's worthy of emancipation!"

Presumably, Biden's idea of emancipation consists of "freeing" money from the capitalist bastards who actually worked for it and using that liberated wealth for something much more important: the funding of the Left's vast, and nearly inescapable, vote-producing entitlement plantations.

Hope n' Change finds it sadly ironic, especially during Black History month, that when our nation got its first black president, he looked at all the possible contenders for vice president...and chose to pick a ninny.

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Thank You for Holding!

The New Hampshire primaries are still going as we write this, so we have nothing to say about the results other than that we hope they can actually get results faster than those received from the lying dog-faced pony soldier precinct captains in Iowa.

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In any event, that's why we're just sharing some general silliness today...

===========

One of the many, many, many things we hate about election years is the unending stream of political phone calls in which volunteers try to talk us out of our time, money, and IQ points. And frankly, we'd like to enjoy a little revenge rather than just hanging up. But, assuming you don't have an ear-piercing boat horn handy, what can you do?

Well, Jarlsberg Enterprises has just what you need! It's our new "Thank You for Holding" recording, and it works like this: when you get a political or sales call, sound very, very interested and then say "hold on just a minute while I find my charge card!" That's when you play this recording into the phone, repeating as often as necessary...


Wasn't that fun?

And now a little backstory. We're always coming up with harebrained ideas for products and projects, mostly just to amuse ourself. This is one of those. The recording above was a simple "proof of concept" for a product which would actually run about 15 minutes, have boring "on hold" music rather than the goofy tune here, and which would very slowly start working in odd messages along with the perfectly straight ones, building in insanity the longer someone listens.

Not only would this be a fun way to get rid of sales calls, but it struck us that we'd also like to be on the receiving end of something funny when an actual company puts us on endless hold. That's where there could be a potential market: customizing and selling to companies to show that they have a sense of humor and care for their customers. Or alternately, that they don't care for their customers and are just assholes. It wouldn't make any difference to us as long as we got paid!

By the way, the operator on the line isn't me...or anyone, really. We just fed the script into a computer program that spits out human sounding speech, and somehow this absurd stuff just seems funnier with a British accent. There's an American female version, too, with different jokes. We're too lazy to build another video, though (grin).

By the way, if there are any app developers reading this who want to make this concept into an annoying smartphone app which would make us mutually wealthy, make yourself known in the comments.

Or give us a call...

Monday, February 10, 2020

From The Vault: Filmy Residue

We're taking the day off, but still wanted to share this old post about our (ahem) "enthusiasm" for the Academy Awards...
-----------

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, oscars, oscar the grouch, oscar wilde, dam, rhett butler
Please tell us you recognize Oscar Wilde...
Sunday sees the annual return of the biggest alleged event in entertainment: the Oscars, wherein the creme de la creme of Hollywood glitterati will be honored for their latest and greatest achievements in hastening the decline of Western civilization.

Along with the awarding of golden statuettes which probably won't be used as sex toys, viewers can look forward to being scolded about the sin of seeing women as sexual objects by women whose actual sexual objects are bursting out of their designer gowns.

There will also likely be more than a few stern words spoken (accompanied by tears after plucking out a nostril hair offscreen) condemning guns by thespians who make millions by pretending to shoot dozens of blood-geysering people onscreen, then retreat to their mansions surrounded by heavily armed guards.

Politics aside, we suppose there might be some recognition of actual artistic merit, but we don't actually care because we haven't seen any of the nominated pictures. Why? Because the whole experience of visiting movie theaters sucks these days.

The prices are insane, there are always going to be 2 or 3 trailers which attack conservative values, and audiences have no concept of how to put their smartphones away and - oh yeah! - shut the hell up while the movie is playing.

Seriously, people who annoy us in movie theaters bring out homicidal tendencies which we're usually pretty good at suppressing. Which is why we weren't entirely without sympathy when reading the recent story of a woman, Shameeka Latrice Lynch, who attended a showing of "Black Panther" and got into an argument with another patron about who had the right to an assigned seat.  When rhetoric failed to resolve the issue, Shameeka hauled a pistol out of her purse and fired a round into the theater's ceiling.

But here's what bothers us: in all of the news stories about this regrettable incident, no one has reported whether or not it was actually her damn seat. Frankly, if some dirtbag was squatting in her reserved seat and refused to move, we think she's got a case.

In any event, this is why we wait for films to reach streaming outlets where we can enjoy them in the peace and quiet of our own homes, except when gunplay erupts over who'll get the best seat. And very rarely, we've even been known to venture out to the local Dollar Cinema (we're a lot more receptive to most movies when we're not out $30 before the show even starts) for the earliest showing on a weekday. Not only are the theaters mostly empty, but the few attendees tend to be retired folks who have the courtesy to either stay silent or simply fall asleep while gumming their popcorn.

So good luck to Hollywood, and may they enjoy their big night and the drug-fueled, sex-crazed parties afterwards. Most of which would probably make for more entertaining viewing than the dreck which actually hits the silver screens.

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, oscars, oscar the grouch, oscar wilde, dam, rhett butler
The Rhett Butler Memorial Dam.
2020 UPDATE: You know that dollar theater we mentioned above? It was "improved" by putting in stupid reclining seats that you have to reserve online, and we're now out of ways to see anything in a theater that Hollywood bothers to vomit in our direction for under $30. We're hoping that following the 2020 election, President Trump can Make Movies Cheap Again.

Friday, February 7, 2020

Window of Opportunity

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There's been a lot of news in the last 48 hours, much of which has been absolutely delightful. Topping the list, the U.S. Senate fully acquitted President Donald Trump of the impeachment charges leveled against him by out of control (and beneath contempt) Democrats.

Not that this will really put an end to the animosities in Washington. In fact, everything has been turned up to 11, and we're now seeing (and enjoying!) bareknuckled open warfare between Trump and the Democrats.

As a case in point, following the President's outstanding and inspirational State of the Union address, Nancy Pelosi made a point of holding the pages of the speech aloft and tearing them to pieces...

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Not that this hateful gesture made any real impact on Trump...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, pelosi, SOTU, speechAnd so life moves on, with the Democrats now trying to subpoena John Bolton in hopes of starting new impeachment proceedings, and Republicans looking deeper into the Biden family's corruption scandals. Guess which one we think is more likely to pay off?

BONUS: GLASS HALF FOOL
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No, you're still just an asshole.

Wednesday, February 5, 2020

System Overload

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There's way too much to comment on today, so we'll just have to give you some short takes.

IOWA CAUCUS SNAFU - Per the cartoon, we think we can blame Democratic mischief and Democratic incompetence for the spectacular fustercluck which was likely intended to produce the credibly faked results that the DNC really wanted. Another perfect example of why Democrats shouldn't be trusted to run anything. Not to mention a great example of which party really interferes with honest elections.

IMPEACHMENT CIRCUS - In his closing argument before the Senate, Adam "Popeye" Schiff actually claimed that if Trump were not found guilty and removed from office, he could give Alaska to Vladimir Putin in return for election interference in November. If Schiff continues snarling and foaming at the mouth like this, we'd advise him to avoid the street on which Atticus Finch lives. Then again, maybe we wouldn't advise him of that.

CORONAVIRUS - We're not panicking, nor do we think anyone else should. But that being said, this nasty virus has gotten our attention and, at the moment, we think the potential gravity of this situation is being severely underreported. We've been following daily Youtube updates at this link which seem pretty substantive...and darned worrisome.

The point currently being made on that site is that this would be a really good time to lay in some practical supplies for your home just in case we all need to go into social isolation (have you seen the pictures of the empty streets in China?) and self sufficiency while this plays out. If you need a starting place for finding out what sort of things are really handy in a pandemic (besides chocolate bars, nylon stockings, and a lot of Clan MacGregor), we found a handy little ebook on Amazon that was free last time we looked. You can get it here - though do make sure it's still free before you get it.

THE STATE OF THE UNION - We're writing this before the speech has been given, so we can't tell you what was in it. But we can tell you what we hope was in it: a complete ass-reaming of all the assembled Democrats who have so thoroughly and enthusiastically betrayed this country and the Constitution...and still failed to bring down the President who'll have plenty of good news to share.

And finally, the only story we really want to talk about today...

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The one and only. A magnificent patriot and an inspiration to millions.
On Monday's broadcast, RUSH LIMBAUGH shared the news that he has been diagnosed with late stage lung cancer. We're still in shock and more than a little disoriented. This isn't how the world is supposed to work.

More than ever, we desperately need Rush's clarity of thought, keen analytical abilities, unsurpassed ability as a communicator, his wonderful sense of humor, and the calming influence of his optimism and positivity. His accomplishments and his ongoing importance cannot be overstated.

Rush Limbaugh, through his radio presence, was our personal conduit into the world of Conservative thought. When he first appeared in the Dallas radio market, we heard that he was a whack job and raving wild man of the airwaves. And so we tuned in, expecting an enjoyable freak show. We couldn't have been more wrong.

What we heard on Rush's show was sanity and perspectives we'd never thought about previously. In fact, it was Limbaugh who made us realize that we hadn't really been thinking at all when it came to politics, just acting on feelings and untrue stereotypes. Which is one of the reasons why, years later, we're still blogging to do penance for the many Democrats we voted for when we were young and stupid.

In our home, Rush Limbaugh has become a friend and companion. A constant over the years, and someone who we knew could both enlighten us and simultaneously lighten our burdens.

Rush's cancer diagnosis has hit us hard emotionally, but we're a long way from giving up hope. Limbaugh is a fighter, and we don't believe that we've heard the last from him. He has a rough medical road ahead, but hopefully he will be buoyed by the sentiments and prayers of the millions who love him.

And in the meanwhile, we'll do our best to soldier on right here - speaking truth as accurately as we can while mixing in enough humor to make it go down smoothly. A combination which we definitely learned from the man behind the golden EIB microphone.

BREAKING NEWS: Rush Limbaugh received the Presidential Medal of Freedom at last night's State of the Union Address! What an unexpected and delightful moment.

Monday, February 3, 2020

The Big Game


Controversy erupted Sunday when the results of the Super Bowl, which was widely expected to be over and done with by now, were declared illegitimate by the San Francisco 49ers.

“Our team presented an unbeatable case for the offense,” sniffed 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, “and the defense presented by the Chiefs was completely meaningless and, frankly, an insult to the good people watching these historic proceedings on television."

"But what really did us in," Garoppolo continued, "Was the Chiefs' insistence that the game be decided with only our standard number of players on the field when we, and the American people, wanted to call additional players onto the field to help make our case for victory!” 

Chiefs' quarterback Patrick Mahomes said that the case for letting the opposing team call for additional players on the field was unnecessary and a waste of everyone’s time. “Look, everyone already knew what the outcome would be,” stated Mahomes. “Why stretch things out with additional players who have absolutely nothing new to offer?”

Further tainting the results were accusations of misconduct by one referee. “That whistleblower was totally on their side,” accused Mahomes, “but Garoppolo claims he doesn’t know who the whistleblower is and never even met him! Give me a (bleep)-ing break.”

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There is no joy in San Francisco.