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Friday, July 19, 2019

You've Been Chopped!

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If there's a limit to how much irony can be contained in a single story, this one must come awfully close to hitting it. Dr Leanna Wen, new president of Planned Parenthood, became a victim of pro-choice women when the gals - members of the PP Board of Directors - "chose" to terminate her employment before she got to the one year mark. Or "reached full term," you might say.

Wen was not asked if she wanted to be excised from PP's governing body, but then - we're told that in similar situations, the unborn's opinion and rights don't matter. Hey, rules are rules, right Leanna?

But the irony doesn't stop there! It turns out that Dr. Wen was discarded like a bit of tissue because she was trying to make Planned Parenthood at least try to offer some of the non-abortion medical services which they claim accounts for 97% of Planned Parenthood's business (and is a blatant lie).

Unfortunately, the Board wanted the thrust of the president's job to be even more aggressive political advocacy for abortion, rather than fiddle-faddling around with needed services, clinic hygiene, and caring about the frequently impoverished women who rapidly pass through Planned Parenthood with their backs on a conveyor belt and their feet in stirrups.

Planned Parenthood really has only two functions: abortion and political activism. The only questions now are which is their primary function, and why in God's name they're still receiving federal funding.

WHIPPING HIS CAMPAIGN INTO SHAPE

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We figured if we were going to make any Beto O'Rourke jokes, we'd better make them damn fast - because the polls indicate that he'll be nothing but an unpleasant campaign memory within the next week or two.

In part, this may be due to his odd ideas about what will appeal to voters. He's already done his best to convince everyone that he's Hispanic, despite being a full-blooded Irishman. And now he thinks that voters, and especially black voters, will like him better now that he's announced that members of his family (and his wife's) were slave owners. Those whippersnappers!

Beto feels this gives him a "special personal connection" to those who suffer from the effects of slavery, in much the way Adolph Hitler had a "special personal connection" to the millions who suffered from the effects of his death camps.

To make up for his family's dark deeds (as slave ownership documents were called), Beto is now pushing hard for reparations. But rather than taxpayer funds taken from the vast majority of people whose ancestors did not own slaves, we suggest "in kind" reparations from folks like Beto with proven guilt. He should volunteer his labors, free of charge, to black Americans for the rest of his life.

And, when his chores are done, he should make his masters refreshing mint juleps, then sing and dance to a medley of Stephen Foster songs. Put another way, if he wants to go back 200 years, then by all means he should.

UP, UP, AND AWAY!

We are delighted to share the news that Jim Hlavac's fundraising effort was a huge success, with significant credit owed to the kind-hearted people who hang out here at Stilton's Place. 

As we're writing this, Mr. Hlavac has garnered $1,645 of his $1,000 goal for his travels (which begin, we believe, on Sunday). But he also got more than that out of this experience, and we can't possibly put it than he did...


Fly safely, Mr. H, and sincere best wishes that you'll find the medical treatment and support you need in New York City. Keep us all posted!

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

VP Phone Home

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"And wear a dorky helmet while riding a bike."
In Joe Biden's increasingly desperate bid to associate himself with Barack Obama in the public's mind, he recently trotted out a comment which is - even for Joe - jaw-droppingly stupid.

At a candidate's forum on Monday, the former Veep said of his "new" healthcare proposition that "if you like your healthcare plan, your employer-based plan, you can keep it. If you like your private insurance, you can keep it."

This is almost word for word what Obama said just before making it illegal for millions of Americans to keep their health care plans and, in some cases, quadrupling their insurance costs. Obama's oft-repeated promise is widely regarded as the lyingest lie told in eight solid years of lying. It probably has its own entry in the Guinness World Record Book of Lies and will likely never be bested.

Although it's entirely possible that Slidin' Biden (whose poll numbers keep dropping) is tone deaf enough not to realize his choice of words was salting a national wound, we prefer to think that Obama himself is secretly giving Biden hilariously bad advice on running for President and wondering when Joe will finally catch on to the joke.

We're guessing it may be when Barry arranges for Bill Ayers to drive Uncle Joe to the Reverend Jeremiah Wright's church for the annual 9/11 "Chickens Come Home to Roost" sermon.

BONUS: ODD SQUAD

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CAN YOU HELP?



Those of you who've been here since the Hope n' Change days will likely remember frequent commenter Jim Hlavac. He's in a pretty tough situation just now with life-threatening illness and can use our help.

He needs to fly back to the United States from Mazatlan (it's a long but interesting story) to get medical care, and a very modest ($1000 total) Gofundme page has been set up to assist in covering his travel costs. Even small donations will make a difference and be much appreciated!

Click here to help out one of our own!

Monday, July 15, 2019

Direct Current Events

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To paraphrase Robert Mueller, if we had confidence that AOC clearly did not blow out the power in Manhattan with a fork, we would have said so. And just for the moment, we want to savor the mental image of a befuddled, soot-faced Cortez sitting flat-ass on the carpet, staring at the still-smoking fork in her hand, and asking "Wha' happened?"

Which is also our reaction to the current news cycle, about which we'll give our quick takes:

• Rep Ilhan Omar declares herself to be more patriotic than American-born citizens.
That's really an offensive and outrageous statement and someone should do something about it...

• Trump tweets that Ilhan Omar should go back to Africa. *

We're not sure that's the "something" we were referring to, but for now we'll take it.

500,000 people plan to storm Area 51.

They want to prove the government is concealing alien technologies like death rays and disintegrator beams, but clearly haven't thought through just how that might play out.

• Chuck Schumer attacks Donald Trump over Jim Acosta's handling of Clinton friend Jeffrey Epstein.

To which we say, "Oh, STFU Chuck." On a side note, if serial pedophile Epstein really has been arranging for the rich and powerful to engage in underage sex, we hope ALL of them get revealed and thrown in the hoosegow.

• Armed idiot who attacked immigrant detention center with gun and fire bombs is shot dead by police.

The 69-year-old social activist, perhaps inspired by an anti-ICE demonstration hours before, was attempting to set fire to detention center buildings and vehicles, but failed to ignite a propane tank bomb before being riddled with bullets from four police officers. Flames he had started were quickly extinguished - presumably using water from the toilets of thirsty immigrants.

---------

* CORRECTION: We got duped on the Trump tweet because so many "news" outlets were reporting that he tweeted "go back to Africa." Here's what he actually tweeted about legislators who have huge problems with our country: "Why don't they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came - then come back and show us how."

Friday, July 12, 2019

Missing Inaction

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Actually, we've improved quite a bit but not quite enough to do a real post today. We'll do our best to keep up with you in the comments, though!

UPDATE: OKAY, MAYBE ONE CARTOON...


Wednesday, July 10, 2019

Do Me A Solid

We're making good progress with the Diverticulitis and have been given permission to drink "full liquids" (think chocolate Ensure, which is served in all of your really upscale nursing homes) and cautiously start the BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce,  and Toast). Honest-to-gosh solid foods are still some distance in our future, which is why we're sharing these actual recipe cards from the past as a reminder that solid food sometimes isn't all that it's cracked up to be...




Yeah, suddenly the chocolate Ensure and dry white toast don't look so bad!

R.I.P. ROSS PEROT

That soft sucking sound is other politicians on the government teat
We're saddened to learn of the passing of Ross Perot, for whom we once cast a Presidential vote. Long before anyone was paying attention to Donald Trump, billionaire businessman and political outsider Perot drew enthusiastic crowds with his honesty, patriotism, pragmatism, and straight-talking approach.

Even after his failed Presidential bid, Perot did a lot for America. He will be missed.

BONUS: NOT SO LITTLE WHITE LIE

Okay, we thought we were done for the day, but we had to create a cartoon after hearing what Nancy Pelosi said about President Trump's "real" reason for wanting the census to give accurate counts of citizens and non-citizens in America.


Monday, July 8, 2019

Sick Day


Forget Mr. Binky...it's actually our old friend Mr. Diverticulitis who has decided to pay a visit, so we're not really feeling up to writing much today.

Diverticulitis happens when your large intestine starts blowing little bubblegum-type bubbles through its walls, leaving pockets that are perfect for collecting food and bacteria and breeding a painful infection which usually doesn't kill.

Currently, we're on powerful antibiotics and a second medication that makes your mouth taste like a vulture's butthole and gives you the magical ability to projectile vomit if alcohol so much as touches your lips. Happily, we didn't find that out the hard way - we were warned by our doctor, our pharmacist, and a label on the pill bottle which shows a picture of a cocktail with a diagonal line drawn through it, above the words "avoid alcohol unless you want to turn yourself inside out like a salted slug."

Additionally, we're halfway through two weeks of a clear liquid diet which consists of water (and variations on water) and thin broth. So we're not feeling a helluva lot of sympathy for those "kids in cages" who are getting oatmeal, burritos, and noodles three times a day. Although we don't begrudge them their food, because we'd like these poor little souls to stay nice and healthy in case we need one of them to give us an intestine transplant (giving them a chance to do the jobs that American organs won't do).

We expect to be fine and it will be business as usual in the comments section today and, hopefully, non-health related content Wednesday!

Friday, July 5, 2019

Happy 5th of July!


We found some extra fireworks, so we're continuing our Independence Day celebration and taking it relatively easy today by letting the cartoons do the talking. Enjoy!

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Turnabout is fair play, right?
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If only...

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Cannonball Kaepernick

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Just in time for the 4th of July, Colin Kaepernick and Nike have again declared themselves to be anti-American scumbags who don't deserve another moment's attention or another dime in revenue.

Specifically, Nike had planned to release a new line of patriotically-themed shoes on Independence Day. The red, white, and blue shoes were emblazoned with small replicas of the original Betsy Ross American flag, and looked great. Or we should say, they looked great to troglodytes like us who are insufficiently "woke."

Because Nike spokesman Colin Kaepernick found the shoes deeply offensive, since slavery was still allowed in the United States at the same time Betsy Ross agreed to sew the flag instead of "taking the knee" and getting herself a lucrative endorsement deal.

Nike wasted a perfectly good and long overdue opportunity to tell Kaepernick to STFU, and instead recalled every pair of shoes (and will no doubt sell them overseas in the many countries that haven't abolished slavery).

Happily, Nike got an immediate smackdown for their asinine behavior: the Governor of Arizona immediately rescinded $2 million in tax breaks and perks which had been offered to the shoemakers as an enticement to build a new factory in the state.

Now that's the kind of fireworks we enjoy seeing!

FROM THE INDEPENDENCE DAY VAULT...




Here's hoping that you, your family, and friends enjoy a great flag-waving Indepence Day!

Monday, July 1, 2019

An Ill Wind Just Blows

Readers- We're a bit under the weather today with some sort of intestinal condition which necessitates spending more time in the bathroom than the office. We're guessing it's related to having watched 20 Democrats in just two days last week. According to WebMD, that constitutes a fecal overdose.

But rather than leave you empty-handed, we're sharing another example of what we do when we're empty-headed. Feel free to play along (or talk about the news of the day) in the comments section!

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The Weemler triplets sleep in shifts.