Monday, July 8, 2019

Sick Day

Forget Mr.'s actually our old friend Mr. Diverticulitis who has decided to pay a visit, so we're not really feeling up to writing much today.

Diverticulitis happens when your large intestine starts blowing little bubblegum-type bubbles through its walls, leaving pockets that are perfect for collecting food and bacteria and breeding a painful infection which usually doesn't kill.

Currently, we're on powerful antibiotics and a second medication that makes your mouth taste like a vulture's butthole and gives you the magical ability to projectile vomit if alcohol so much as touches your lips. Happily, we didn't find that out the hard way - we were warned by our doctor, our pharmacist, and a label on the pill bottle which shows a picture of a cocktail with a diagonal line drawn through it, above the words "avoid alcohol unless you want to turn yourself inside out like a salted slug."

Additionally, we're halfway through two weeks of a clear liquid diet which consists of water (and variations on water) and thin broth. So we're not feeling a helluva lot of sympathy for those "kids in cages" who are getting oatmeal, burritos, and noodles three times a day. Although we don't begrudge them their food, because we'd like these poor little souls to stay nice and healthy in case we need one of them to give us an intestine transplant (giving them a chance to do the jobs that American organs won't do).

We expect to be fine and it will be business as usual in the comments section today and, hopefully, non-health related content Wednesday!


Dan said...

Get well soon, Stilt. We still need you out here in the wild, the way the politicians continue to act.

Velveeta Processed Cheese Food said...

Sorry to hear it. It seems like you've had more than your share of ill health.

Haven't commented for a long time. Material has been excellent, as usual, but I have had nothing worthwhile to add. But I'm still a religious reader.

Sortahwitte said...

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and NOT doing the inside-out thingie. Through my many colonoscopies, I have come to detest all things clear. 7-up, Sprite, ginger ale, clear soup, weak tea, weaker tea, water; it's all vile to me now. Hang on, hold on.

j said...

Please follow all the regimen they prescribe for you and will be praying for you to recover fully!

Unknown said...

I've had that a coupla' times. Apparently, once you get it, it becomes easier to get it again. Awesome!

I don't know what ya can do about it except complain, er, tell everyone how much it hurts. Maybe more physical exercise and avoid seeds.

Good luck, we're all counting on you.


james daily said...

You have been sick two weeks? Plus the Carpal tunnel wrist, restless feet, etc. My goodness, it's amazing you are still functioning. Get better soon, we need your outside the box cartoons and thinking.

TMay said...

A GI doctor on his free time once told me that our bodies each give us one free diverticula, and it is called an appendix. He said when one is not being treated, that eating lots of fiber in one's diet helps to avoid them.(I'm not referring to nuts and seeds.)

Anonymous said...

Been there, done that. I no longer eat nuts, tomato or cucumber seeds, black pepper. Please take care, because it can end up very serious! I enjoy ;your articles very much. God Bless.
mary ann aka Creason- rohde

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

...And this is different from Congress how, exactly?

Anonymous said...

Here''s hoping you get back on your feet soon. Take care,

Julie K said...

Prayers for a speedy recovery...your blog helps me keep my sanity! ~ ‘Merica! ~

Brie Camembert said...

Get well soon Stilton.
Busty Ross will be along soon in her nurses uniform to soothe your fvered brow :_)

Meanwhile I'll do my bit by drinking the Clan McGregor that you aren't able to touch.

Doctor Deadhead said...

Sounds like Cipro and flagyl... makes me sick even without alcohol

Rod said...

OK: I'll wish you "Get well soon" if you will 'splain that horrid image. It's making ME sick.

Kerry Soileau said...

Not to give you a big head or anything, but I look forward to your posts eagerly each week. Get well soon!

Alfonso Bedoya said...

Stilt, I feel your pain. I am a fellow three-time diverticulitis sufferer. Ain't no way out, except to drink plenty of water, eat lots of salad or other fiber-containing foods, and stay on the antibiotics until they are gone. If your doc advises surgery, get a second opinion. Anyway, enough of my preaching: get well SOON.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Dan-I'm not going anywhere, just going over a speed bump.

@Velveeta Processed Cheese Food- I can't really claim more than my share of ill health, as this condition doesn't compare to what some people have to go through. Of course, that's no reason I can't bitch about it (grin).

@Sortahwitte- I, too, have come to detest all things clear. But my doctor made it clear, "you can't have opaque and eat it too."

@j- I'm absolutely following doctor's orders. Cases that don't respond to drugs sometimes result in surgery, and I made the mistake of watching the procedure on Youtube. Trust me, that will keep me honest!

@Rick- Yes, having had it before makes it more likely to have it again. And as you say, diet and exercise can help - as will daily Metamucil (not kidding about that).

@james daily- When you put all my symptoms together, I feel like I should be sitting in a canvas tent and charging people 25¢ to look at me. (grin)

@Tmay- I intend to be the best fiber-eating sonofagun anywhere when I get on the other side of this!

@mary ann- Happily, there are no seeds lurking in scotch (even the cheap stuff I buy) so I should be okay once this clears up. And sorry you've gone through this too!

@M. Mitchell Marmel- Only the part where I can't have liquor.

@jack- Thank you!

@Julie K- Sanity-keeping being important work, I intend to get back to it ASAP.

@Brie Camembert- Sadly, Busty is unavailable for medical service at the moment as she's gone to Nike headquarters to kick some asses over the lies they've been spreading about her ancestor Betsy Ross.

@Doctor Deadhead- Yep, Cipro and flagyl. Flagyl is one of the worst tasting things I've ever had (and it makes your mouth taste the same way 24/7) and Cipro is strong enough to burn a hole in your stomach lining unless (as the label cruelly points out) you "take it with food." Whee.

@Rod- Even on these occasional off days, I try to post an image which I've manipulated to have some artistic value and make a statement. In this case, the statement is "it sucks to be sick."

@Kerry Soileau- No worries about my developing a big head. Without food, I wouldn't have the strength to hold it upright.

@Alfonso Bedoya- I'll admit that I had gotten lax (no pun intended) about my fiber and metamucil. That's not a mistake I intend to make again. Glad to hear that you made it to the healthy side three times!

Snark said...

Condolences on your condition, Silt. We do appreciate your dedication to your loyal fans to continue providing us with entertainment despite your incapacitation. Perhaps more inspiration to provide sick humor....Nevertheless, we'll hold up your example by keeping the alcohol industry afloat until you are able to resume your daily tippling. After all of this, that first sip of scotch will taste like....oh, not Flagyl!

Bruce Bleu said...

Hoping you feel better, Stilt. It's difficult to be on your game when the body is attacking you with discomfort. Joining with others to pray for your recovery, and I DON'T mean in the upholstery way, but INSIDE. Next time stop at Diverticulosis, you overachiever.

Anonymous said...

Where in the world do you find your pictures? I always thought the Earwigs were bizarre, but today's nun pic takes the cake.

Anonymous said...

Get well soon!

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Snark- I still find sick humor relatively funny even when I'm the one who's sick. So I intend to keep chugging along and posting SOMETHING here during all of this, though I may lack the focus to editorialize. Turns out that living on sugar, water, and about 5% of the protein a body needs is a good way to feel addled!

@Bruce Bleu- Thanks for the good wishes. Taking a glass half full (of clear liquids) attitude, I am kicking ass on my diet!

@pkdphd- I love strange old black and white pictures, but usually use ones that no one else has touched as a starting point for modification. In this case, I was halfway through colorizing the image before I realized someone else had photoshopped that weird monkey in there (as I've said above, my brain REALLY isn't working just now). Still, the "feel" of the picture was right - bizarre but morbidly funny. A phrase, which incidentally, is on my business card.

@Anonymous- Thanks!

Ben Rumson said...

Get well soon Uncle Stiltie, hopefully will be over soon so you can cure your alchohol deficiency
Seriously though, July 5th last year I was in ICU with extreme sepsis,a little dodgy Thursday night, fun things like low blood pressure and internal organs starting to shut down. Made it through O.K.
Still paying the bills.

Unknown said...

Get well Stilt! Nothing witty or funny about diverticulitis, but here are better ways to go on the wagon. That is all.

Anonymous said...

Hey, give credit where credit is due. It takes guts to do what you're doing.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Ben Rumson- Was your sepsis due to diverticulitis? I know those little "bubbles" can burst sometimes, causing an emergency situation. I really really really want to avoid that (and the other things you went through). Glad you came through it okay!

@Unknown- Since I AM on the wagon, the stock price for Clan MacGregor might go down. Take the opportunity to buy a few shares, as this can't last forever!

MacJedi said...

I hope you recover soon.
I offer you this website to provide some
information that might help your condition.

I have changed my diet to avoid some of these foods.

Rob said...

I shall offer a prayer for your healing today. But, I shall also spend a significant part of my day wondering how you know the taste of a vulture's buttho!e. 😁

Murphy(AZ) said...

That picture: Sister Mary Juggernaut, Our Lady of the Most Holy Tuesday Night Bingo, Chicago, 1955.

Maoz said...

Stilt, refuah shleimah umeherah -- may you have a complete and very speedy recovery!

I will for the moment refrain from inquiring just how exactly you happen to know what a vulture's butthole tastes like....

Maoz said...

Dang! Rob types faster than me!

M. Mitchell Marmel said...

#Ben: "Uncle Stiltie" for the win.

MAX Redline said...

Best wishes to you. I've never had the pleasure, though I know people who have. It is something I think I'd prefer to continue to avoid.

TrickyRicky said...

Stilton, best wishes for a complete and quick recovery. I hope you know how much your loyal readers look forward to your witty and insightful commentary. In today's completely insane political environment one needs to find a way to avoid despair, and you and your commenters help a lot.

james daily said...

No wonder I have problems losing weight, I had never heard of Lectins but will order the blockers today. Thank you MacJedi for the link and heads up. I never knew all that stuff. Oh, Stilt: Think about Jim Beam losing 45,000 barrels, an actual life time supply of Bourbon. If Clan MacGregor catches on fire, we know it was no accident. It was ironic that a lot of the whiskey went into the river making a giant Bourbon and Water. And I am glad you still retain your sense of humor, as warped as it should be.

Lee The Voice said...

Get well soon, Dr. Jarlsberg. By the way, I've never tasted a vulture's butthole. What's it like. ;)

Unknown said...

It never ceases to amaze me that the human body is so tolerant, so adaptable to a wide variety of conditions, and so tough as to charge right through difficulties. We are wonderfully made.

Then again, something seemingly so slight can bring us to our knees.

Good news, diverticulitis, as painful as it is, is nothing compared to a splinter of Ipe in your skin. The wood is beautiful but toxic. A small splinter in the finger, hardly worth thinking about, will blow up your hand in under 30 minutes. You'll want to cut of the entire hand such is the desperation for relief.


Shelly said...

I swear I had that nun in the fifth grade at Good Shepherd Catholic School in Garland, Texas. It's hard to forget that face.

Hope you recover soon, Stilt. I can only imagine the misery you are experiencing.

For some ungodly reason, I chose to watch a video of the hip replacement surgery I had a couple of years ago. It wasn't the surgery itself that was so disturbing, although it truly was. Worse was seeing what they had to do to the naked woman's body to get it in position. Horrifying.

Old Curmudgeon said...

I wish to add my wishes for your complete and speedy healing.

For those fortunate as not to have experienced it, it is like having a knife stuck in your gut, then having to run to the bathroom with diarrhea.

I have controlled mine with a diet change to lots of whole grains and frequent servings of cooked, dried beans. As always, make diet changes slowly. (I like grape-nuts and oatmeal)

Old Curmudgeon

John the Econ said...

Bummer. Hope this all passes soon. It's times like this that I opt for "comfort movies" from the past instead of current events, especially if drinking is not allowed. Please get well soon.

And we miss you because there's so much in the news to mock:

Police officers say they were asked to leave Tempe Starbucks because customer felt unsafe

"A group of police officers were asked to leave a Starbucks shop by a barista because another customer “did not feel safe,” according to the Tempe Officers Association."

Stupid on so many levels. The most obvious is the kind of "quick response" this Starbucks location can expect should they call 911 with an actual emergency. Who feels safe there now?

Second, can you imagine any other class of citizen being asked to leave because their presence makes someone feel "uncomfortable"? Starbucks customers + Starbucks employees vote against cops.

How about "ball-kicking women make it even harder to care about soccer:

Megan Rapinoe’s anthem protests hurt the fight for gender equity

As I've said many times over here, I think it's stupid to conflate sports with politics. But they can't help themselves. Sports are something that all people can enjoy together regardless of their politics. But it's not enough that these women are good at running and kicking a ball around a field. They think they need to be more important that that and that they're somehow smarter than everyone else.

Their argument that they should be paid as much as male soccer stars is the equivalent of arguing that I should be paid the same for coaching my kid's little league team as Mike Scioscia does managing the Los Angeles Angels.

Actually, perhaps that's not a bad idea. Under an "equal pay" paradigm, I'd get a raise and Megan Rapinoe would actually get a pay cut!

John the Econ said...

The Holocaust isn't history. It's just some people's "belief":

'I can’t say the Holocaust is a factual, historical event'

High school principal sparks outrage by telling mom the mass slaughter of six million Jews is a 'belief' that students don't have to learn

For some time now, I've wondered how long it would take before the Holocaust would be disappeared from history by the left now that living memory of it is almost gone. We now have our answer: No time at all.

This ass-wipe who is for some unintelligible reason allowed to indoctrinate children calls the Holocaust a "belief" instead of historical fact.

My question for Jews who embrace the left is, "Exactly how long do you think you will last when people like this not only go unchallenged, but become the majority in America?". And consider this: If any school employee, much less principle were to suggest that "slavery" in America was just a belief instead of historical fact, how long would they last in that job? They'd be canned before sunset. And yet this guy's still employed.

But now that the left is purging any trace of pre-'60s racial history from the public space, how long will it be before it will be possible to argue that slavery wasn't history, and is just a "political belief"?

That should tell you how far below the gutter the left considers both history and Jews. And yet they still won't get the message. After all, Orange mad bad!

As we've always suspected, AOC admires actual fascists:

“I know that, like every woman of the people, I have more strength than I appear to have.” - Evita Perón

I doubt she's even seen the play, much less knows anything of Argentina or Perón history.

And a final thought on Nike:

I that the Nike "swoosh" is an actual symbol of "white supremacy". It's a company founded by straight-while-males who economically exploit people of color to make over-priced shoes marketed by other people of color to sell to other people of color who frequently engage in genocide over footwear.

If this isn't a white supremacy plot, then I just don't know what is.

Dan said...

@Stilt: "Bizarre but morbidly funny" is a great slogan/motto. Kinda like what I want as my epitaph: "Easily amused" (was supposed to be Easily Amused and a Cheap Drunk, but my wife figured the latter part wouldn't really be good for the ages).

As an aside, my doc said I'm morbidly obese. I told him nuh-uhh, I'm cheerfully obese.

Rod said...

Without getting down into the political and gender-equality soup. I actually enjoy watching world cup ladies soccer (all the teams when possible, and it's called football elsewhere) because IMO they play the game with much skill, just as hard, and with a bit more respect for their opponents then do the men. They "flop" far less than the men when trying to sell a foul. They get up and keep playing a lot more. I think they play a cleaner game that's easier to see the skill. I can hardly stand it and will not long watch "Flopping Kings". If you've not seen them: Try the YouTube videos where a telescopic rifle sight follows the play and a loud bang precedes the most outrageous floppers. Now THAT's funny.

igor said...

Whew! From the description of Diverticulitis, Stilt, I'd rather have open-heart surgery that that. Sounds positively nasty.

Oh, Wait...

Sortahwitte said...

@Dan. I wanted mine to say: Easily amused and totally bewildered. My wife sioux said "NO!"

DougM said...

Sorry you're feelin' ill, ol' son.
Remind me to ask about how you know what a vulture's butthole tastes like, some time.

udaman said...

Having suffered numerous episodes of diverticulitis, I feel your pain. The medicine as well. ever since then, I have been taking fiber capsules and putting fiber powder and almost everything I drink. I have not had a bout in over 15 years. Thank God! Hope you get well soon Stilt!

Fish Out of Water said...

Ok, here's something to make you smile, or raise your blood pressure: Bill Clinton has said he knows nothing of the goings on by Jerry Epstein

Anonymous said...

No peanuts, sesame seed or poppy seed bagels for you for a while.

Could be worse. Could be kidney stones. I hear those are even more fun.

Feel better soon, Stilton.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@MacJedi- Thanks for the link. I'll take it seriously!

@Rob- A real gentleman never talks.

@Murphy(AZ)- And there was nun finer!

@Maoz- Thank you for the well wishes. As for the other matter, let's just say I'm not returning to that particular Chinese restaurant.

@MAX Redline- Do yourself a favor and, if you're not getting enough fiber in your diet, have a glass or two of Metamucil every day. Heaven knows I will from now on!

@TrickyRicky- Thanks for the kind words! Believe me, I get as much or more out of the camaraderie here as anyone. And I actually believe there's strength in laughter.

@james daily- Yes, Lectins were new to me too (does this mean I'm currently the victim of Hannibal Lectin?) And it pained me to see the Jim Beam warehouses burning down. I don't think there's any risk of that happening with Clan MacGregor, though, since it's shipped the same day it's made rather than being stored anywhere.

@Lee the Voice- Unsurprisingly, a vulture's butthole tastes like chicken butthole, only with more of a roadkill finish.

@Rick- Nothing eases my pain quite like learning there's something else I never heard of that I should be afraid of. Thanks!

@Shelly- I'm not currently suffering "misery" so much as discomfort. And I, too, watched a video of hip replacement surgery just before my Mom had the surgery, and it was painful to watch. Interesting, but painful.

Stilton Jarlsberg said...

@Old Curmudgeon- You describe the condition accurately, and I'm really looking forward to making the dietary changes you mention!

@John the Econ- Wow, thanks for jumping in on so many subjects (all of which ARE worth mocking). One good thing - that Holocaust denying school principal got canned. But it's still terrifying that even the Holocaust...THE FREAKING being forgotten or questioned as being real.

@Dan- I think "Easily Amused" would look great on a tombstone. On a similar note of putting one's affairs in order, my daughter bought an ornate box from Goodwill yesterday and said she didn't know what she'd use it for. I said she could eventually keep her parents ashes in it, and we shook on the deal. Sort of an upgrade from my father's resting place, which was a cookie tin he'd bought at a garage sale.

@Rod- I didn't watch the world cup ladies soccer, but Mrs. J did and quite enjoyed it. I don't have a strong feeling about the "equal pay" argument as the anthem-kneeling co-captain has left me with the attitude that I'd like her to not receive a damn dime.

@igor- I'll take the Diverticulitis over the open-heart surgery, thanks. Then again, it seems like I didn't get a choice...

@Sortahwitte- I genuinely love the idea of putting something funny on a headstone. What better way to make absolute strangers have a brief moment of liking you after you're gone?

@DougM- Let's just say you can't screw a vulture without foreplay.

@udaman- Psyllium husk powder is going to be my very close friend from now on. I get the sugar-free orange flavored powder, and like to pretend I'm an astronaut drinking Tang. Hey, I'm a child of the 50's!

@Fish Out of Water- I know nothing of the goings on by Jerry Epstein either! Jeffrey Epstein is, of course, a different matter. And I believe to the soles of my shoes that Bill Clinton was banging underage girls on that island.

@Anonymous- I had a friend tell me about being in a men's restroom when a man passed a large kidney stone which actually make a loud "pank!" as it ricocheted off the urinal and the guy passed out on the floor from the pain. Which reminds me, I should drink more water now that I'm not getting it in a glass of scotch...

Dan said...

@Stilt: We were talking to the undertaker about a vessel for my dad's ashes (this is some years ago). The undertaker guy showed us a number of urns and boxes and so forth.

He mentioned that we didn't have to buy one. Some people used heirlooms, some used the cardboard box, and some folks had even used Army ammo cans.

Gee M said...

women football players get 13% of a much smaller pie, while men footballers get 9% of some seriously big pie...i would love to be at that team meeting..."girls, your protesting and news stories have gotten results: starting next season, there will be equal pay...your percentage of pay will be equally set at 9%, same as the men..."
it's only fair.

Susan Fineman said...

Your column goes with my morning coffee. I've spit through my nose more often than I can count! Always in stitches! Who else could make diverticulitis funny??? Get well soon.