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Friday, December 14, 2018

Rear Ended on the Hershey Highway

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, brzezinski, morning joe, butt boy, homophobic, pompeo, bitch

Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski (whose last name is the single most valuable word you can play in Scrabble) made an unfortunate on-air faux pas Wednesday, when she called Secretary of State Mike Pompeo "a wannabe dictator's butt boy."

It's another case in which if you scratch a liberal (and frankly, we think that's always a good idea), you quickly find the kind of deep-rooted intolerance and bigotry that they accuse others of having.

Here at Stilton's Place, we're unapologetically Gay-friendly and would never think of using a homophobic slur to demean someone with whom we disagree politically. Not that Brzezinski limited herself to that - just for good measure, she also questioned whether Pompeo's comments (about the Saudi Crown Prince's possible involvement in the highly kinetic killing of dissident journalist Jamal "Surprise Party" Khashoggi) were "the words of a patriot."

Mika later acknowledged that her insinuation that Pompeo is some kind of treasonous ankle-grabber represented a "super bad choice of words."

Pretty much like everything else that comes out of her mouth.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Hired Hams

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, kevin hart, oscars, tweets, ocasio-cortez, homophobic

Don't panic - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez hasn't really been asked to host the Oscars, although if it does happen you read it here first.

Currently, the Oscars have no host lined up after they hired then quickly dumped alleged comedian Kevin Hart, owing to the fact that, some years ago, he made homophobic tweets. Although we'd say they were a little more than just "homophobic." Consider this thought-provoking tweet: "Yo if my son comes home & try's 2 play with my daughters doll house I'm going 2 break it over his head & say n my voice 'stop that's gay.'"

Hart has apologized repeatedly for his tweets in the past, but refused to make a fresh apology under the reasonable assumption that if past apologies didn't count, a new one wouldn't do any good either.

All of this is making it hard for the Oscars to find a Hart transplant for the awards ceremony, owing to the fact that pretty much no celebrity really wants to expose themselves to a potentially career-ending examination of their every word and deed since birth.

The best suggestion we've heard (and we wish we could give credit but we forgot where we saw it) is that Donald Trump should host the event, since the jokes would be about him anyway, and it would be a ratings blockbuster. Frankly, we can't think of anything else that would make us tune in.

And speaking of Trump and hard to fill jobs...

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BONUS: OH, SHUT UP


It wasn't our intention to present a trifecta of unbelievably annoying women today, but then we saw Nancy Pelosi's comments (accurately quoted above) following a meeting that she and Chuck Schumer shared with President of the United States Donald Trump.

The idea that this loathsome old colostomy bag will likely again be Speaker of the House makes us feel like we've got skunk tinkle all over us.

Monday, December 10, 2018

The Sound of Muzak

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, sound of music, nazis, lisa mars, political correctness, New York, assholes

One would be hard pressed to come up with a way to actually improve the classic "The Sound of Music" (other than by adding singing zombies, of course). Yet Lisa Mars, the principal of a famous New York City performing arts high school, came up with a real doozy of an idea: she ordered the removal of all Nazi emblems and props from the school's presentation about a family running for their very lives from actual Nazis.

This overly sanitized version of the story would be puzzling at best. Rather than have Captain Von Trapp rip a Nazi flag in half, he might simply clutch a handful of Edelweiss to his chest and let loose with a primal scream. The oldest daughter's male love interest couldn't turn up wearing a Nazi uniform, but might terrify audiences showing up in a MAGA hat. And the crucial scene in which the singing Von Trapps are forced to perform on a stage adorned with swastikas would certainly have to be changed - perhaps having the fearful family held at gunpoint while appearing on the Mike Huckabee Show.

According to one student who is marginally more sane than the school's principal, "This is a very liberal school, we're all against Nazis. But to take out the symbol is to try to erase history."

We'll forgive the student for assuming that it's only "very liberal" folks who are against Nazis, and blame it on the bilge she's being exposed to in her "very liberal" school.

Ironically, a portion of the proceeds from the show are supposed to be donated to Holocaust remembrance groups...although it's pretty damn hard to show appropriate "remembrance" for history that's being actively erased.

Fortunately, the principal has been partially overruled by the New York City Department of Education, and a few bits of Nazi regalia will be included in the presentation after suitable trigger warnings have been issued, and smelling salts and fainting couches have been made available to audience members.

The beloved musical asks the question "How do you solve a problem like Maria?" but we think a much more important question is "How do you solve a problem like Principal Mars?"

Friday, December 7, 2018

Many Are Cold, But Few Are Frozen

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, baby it's cold outside, christmas, political correctness, liberals, pinheads, snowflakes

The days of December are quickly passing, moving us ever deeper into that beloved time of year when liberal nitwits find hilarious new reasons to be offended by anything and everything related to Christmas.

As a case in point, a hue and cry has been raised against the playfully romantic tune "Baby, It's Cold Outside," owing to interpretations that the song is actually about men drugging women and raping them, then casting them aside (perhaps in the snow) while heading for a warm seat on the Supreme Court.

In recent days the easily offended have also been melting down about the stunning red Christmas trees chosen by First Lady Melania Trump to adorn the White House, the "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special (because of bullying by the other reindeer), and in all likelihood protesters are taking to the streets because the Three Wise Men didn't also include a "wise Latina."

Then there's the Massachusetts church that has erected a nativity scene with baby Jesus locked in a cage, as a protest against Donald Trump's alleged policy of grabbing newborn saviors at the border and throwing them in the clink. Although frankly, we're betting any kid with a halo who is spotted walking across the Rio Grande will be granted automatic citizenship personally by the President.

There's a lot to be enjoyed about this time of year, including traditions and celebrations both religious and secular. Both of which annoy the heck out of the Left if anyone appears to actually be having fun. So please, progressive snowflakes, just shut your stupid whiny yaps for a few weeks and let the rest of us enjoy ourselves!

Is that cold enough for you...baby?

Efforts to revive her failed since she couldn't give paramedics permission to touch her.
AND ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE...


Our visit to the USS Arizona Memorial in Pearl Harbor was a sobering and unforgettable experience. Similarly, we had an emotional moment when hiking up a mountain trail on the island of Oahu and finding the rusting engine block of a Japanese Zero. The unfortunate pilot, coming in low and fast for the attack, confused a blind alley with the actual mountain pass leading to Pearl Harbor.

That piece of metal, forgotten and nearly hidden by Hawaii's jungle of plant life, spoke eloquently of the events of that awful and fateful day.

Take time today to remember that day of infamy...and to reflect on the fact that freedom is never free.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Stocking Market

stilton, jarlsberg, hope n' change, conservative, cartoon, stilton's place, stock market, busty ross, christmas, stress, myoclonus

Today's post is a little more personal than usual, mostly because the real news is so annoying right now that we'd just rather do some improvisational whining rather than dissect the usual idiocy.

Definitely catching our attention yesterday was the Dow-Jones' nearly 800 point drop, which blew another gaping holio in our portfolio. We're not sure exactly what caused it, though it certainly can't help market confidence when the (ahem) "news" media keeps declaring that Mueller is about to lower the boom on the President of the United States.

In any event, we are not amused - our tech stocks have all gone into "correction" territory (which means they're in prison cells where they get crudely-etched gang tattoos and call the guards "screws")...and we hope things turn around financially soon rather than getting even worse.

Changing subjects, some of you may remember from a few months ago that we had developed an interesting medical condition in which we would spontaneously start break-dancing multiple times over the course of a night. Which made for some decent Youtube video, but not exactly blissful rest.

The good news is that we've ruled out anything serious, but other than that can't quite determine what's going on. It seems that something happened physically, perhaps related to prescription medication, which changed the way our body reacts to stress. Soooo, we're experimenting with new methods of lowering our baseline stress level from its traditional "Defcon One" status.

Our primary effort is "guided meditation," in which a soothing voice tells you to close your eyes, breathe consciously, and picture yourself inside a vast open space with no boundaries and a perfect emptiness, free from awareness of the outside world or even thoughts. Currently, we do this by imagining ourselves floating inside Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's mind. Talk about infinite emptiness.

We also popped for a pair of Oculus Go VR goggles (and like them!), which we're pretty sure we can list as a medical deduction on our taxes as long as we only use them for meditational purposes. Fortunately, one can pretty quickly achieve a pure state of Zen by firing head shots into marauding zombies. Trust us on this one.

Have any other suggestions for de-stressing? We're currently looking for a second, third, and fourth opinion in the comments section - so let's hear what you have to say!

Monday, December 3, 2018

Fill In The Blankety-Blanks

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, George HW Bush, death, obituary, media, journalism, assholes

Former President George Herbert Walker Bush has died at the age of 94. We didn't necessarily agree with every policy decision he ever made, but in general we liked the man and are deeply appreciative of his lifelong service (including military service) to this country.

But showing appropriate respect for the man is apparently too much to ask for from what passes for journalistic outlets these days. Particularly galling was the Washington Post's initial posting about the President's passing, about which they said, and we quote: "Mr. Bush died of SPECIFIC MEDICAL CAUSE OF DEATH, said/according to xxx."

Note to the Washington Post: we can understand why you prepare generic obituaries for important people ahead of time, but you really shouldn't go to press with them until you've filled in the freaking blanks (not that your paper demonstrates any great skill for doing that in any other stories).

We now imagine that the Washington Post has many such templates on hand, including stories like "Donald Trump offended NAME OF COUNTRY/LEADER/GROUP today with his radically offensive COMMENTS/TWEETS about SUBJECT, leading to fresh accusations that he is, in fact, a Nazi." And perhaps, "Scientists agree that RECENT NATURAL DISASTER can be attributed to global warming and Trump's decision to turn down the Paris Accord. Climate expert xxx suggests that this is proof that Trump is, in fact, a Nazi."

While a later edition of the Washington Post actually filled in a few details of President Bush's death, there was still criticism of their poor journalistic standards coming from their contemporaries. For instance, Slate's big headline was "New York Times and Washington Post Obituaries for George H.W. Bush Leave Out Groping Allegations."

Heavens! Was Bush, like Justice Kavanaugh, yet another conservative conducting gang rapes on girls rendered helpless by drugged punch?! Well, no. The article states that there were a couple of instances in the last two years when the wheelchair-bound nonagenarian, surrounded by other people and photographers, may have playfully reached out to pat a female fanny while joking that he was magician "David Cop-a-feel." (That last part is true and, putting political correctness aside, it's not a bad joke for a flirty - and harmless - 92 year old.)

Lack of impulse control is, sadly, pretty much par for the course for people that old and is not really cause to lump a good man in with the innumerable #MeToo victimizers of women. For Slate to suggest that these accusations are the most important thing which needs to be said about the life and career of President GHW Bush is beyond reprehensible.

But happily, we may not have to put up with their nonsense much longer. Because we've heard "Slate will cease publication owing to SEX/DRUG/FINANCIAL SCANDAL according to xxx." And we know we can trust "xxx," because the Washington Post said so.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Friday Free For All!

There's a lot going on in the news, and virtually all of it is ridiculous. But we won't keep you in suspense, we're kicking off today's post with the MOST stupid thing we've seen all week...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hockey, puck, shooter

Detroit's Oakland University is passing out hockey pucks to faculty and student government leaders to throw at active shooters should such an event break out. Because nothing stops a bad guy with a gun like a good guy with a tiny piece of sports equipment.

Granted, a single hockey puck flung by a wimpish professorial type (ever seen how Barack Obama throws a baseball?) is only going to piss the shooter off, but the University has big plans for the future. "The ideal situation," they say, "is that you would have a classroom full of 30 or 40 people, all of whom have hockey pucks."

And in actuality, the idea has merit. Because if, God forbid, there ever is an active shooter event at Oakland University, we expect the person who thought up this godawful idea to get 30 or 40 hockey pucks up their ass from the survivors. Maybe then they'll get serious about campus safety.

And speaking of people who are no strangers to getting things shoved up their butts...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hockey, puck, shooter, stormy daniels, murphy brown, birthday

Stormy "Chlamydia Chowder" Daniels has come forward to announce that her lying sleazeball lawyer, Michael Avenatti, never got her permission to file the failed defamation suit against Donald Trump - and has also been taking the porn star's crowdfunding money (around $600,000) without giving any accounting of where it's going.

We find everything about this story to be delightful. The unpleasantly-aging Daniels will have to continue supporting herself by putting on debasing displays for any drunk with a dollar bill, the dolts who contributed to her campaign have been royally ripped off, and Avenatti will have to use his ill-gotten gains to pay millions of dollars in back taxes or, better still, flee the country.

But even that doesn't make us as happy as this tidbit of entertainment news...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hockey, puck, shooter, stormy daniels, murphy brown, birthday

The "Murphy Brown" reboot has officially been booted from view by CBS after only 13 episodes, owing to abysmal ratings and the high cost of keeping the geriatric cast members refrigerated between takes.

The idea behind the reboot was simple: "let's bring back a show from 20 years ago and make it relevant by having every spoken word be an attack on President Trump!" Yet more proof that cocaine doesn't really make anyone more creative.

The show starred a tastefully-embalmed Candace Bergen, and tried to entice viewers with stunts like a cameo from Hillary Clinton - because who doesn't want to see even more of that strident old biddy? Currently, there is no word on whether CBS will try to re-reboot the show with most of the cast members and a new premise in which Murphy Brown has unexpectedly died from an opioid overdose

AND ONE MORE THING...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, hockey, puck, shooter, stormy daniels, murphy brown, birthday

Please join me in wishing a very happy birthday to Mrs. Jarlsberg!

Unsurprisingly, she's the real rock of the family, counterbalancing my lifelong creative chaos with stability, wisdom, and good humor. She is by far better informed on topical news than I am - she frequently points me at the important stories of the day, and has a mind which is actually analytical instead of one programmed to turn everything into a joke (albeit frequently a serious joke).

We don't really make a big show of celebrating birthdays (she won't even get that Hallmark card), but instead observe such occasions with our own family rituals. A hand-carved (by her grandfather) set of wooden letters spelling out "Happy Birthday" is put on display, and a little doll family that lives in our entertainment center and represents our family members will see a birthday crown worn on the head of the Mama figure.

Mrs. Jarlsberg deserves a real crown, of course, but happily has no taste for diamonds. Did I get lucky or what?

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Cry Me a Rivera

sptilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, geraldo rivera, border, caravan, lifeboat, fox news

Things are heating up considerably on our southern border, where the (ahem) "caravan" of Hispanic men (with a small sprinkling of women and children, densely surrounded by photographers) are aggressively - and illegally - trying to enter our country.

The Left is horrified that tear gas was deployed defensively against the violent, rock-throwing miscreants attempting to injure (or worse) our law enforcement officers. Although strangely, headlines about the confrontations tend to read "Trump gasses children at border," as if he was personally marching the weeping toddlers into the cyanide shower stalls.

Little mention, however, is made of Barack Obama using tear gas against "immigrants" at the border some 80 times during his administration. But that was okay, because he was Black. Well, Black-ish.

But when it comes to the media overreacting and distorting the story, one can hardly find a better example than Geraldo "Want to see my semi-naked tweets?" Rivera. On Monday's edition of Fox News's "The Five," the volatile Rivera erupted in a lengthy tantrum about how disgusted he is with our country for the vile treatment being shown to these poor, angelic refugees.

Here are his comments, interspersed with some questions and observations of our own (in bold).

"I am ashamed," Geraldo emoted. "We treat these people - these economic refugees (economic? We've been told they were fleeing violence!) - as if they're zombies from The Walking Dead. We are a nation of immigrants (Legal immigrants). These are desperate people. They walked 2,000 miles."(in record breaking time, perhaps owing to the use of motorized vehicles, and with food, water, and shelter paid for by shadowy figures).

"Why? Because they want to rape your daughter (which happens) or steal your lunch? No. Because they want a job! (Again, not cause for political asylum - which, in any case, was already offered by Mexico and turned down by the group's organizers). They want to fill the millions of unfilled jobs (which Americans aren't doing because they make more in welfare) we have in the agricultural sector (Hmm - remind us what crops need picking 12 months a year?). They want to wash dishes in the restaurants! They wanna deliver the pizzas!" (But those are minimum wage jobs which will require supplemental income and services from generous government programs - especially for families. And shouldn't Hispanics be insulted that the Leftists see them only as potential servants doing the most menial jobs imaginable?)

Geraldo then wrapped up his diatribe with a predictable dash of racism, suggesting that the problem isn't that millions of people are violating our immigration laws and draining our resources, but rather that stinking, evil Americans don't want them because "they look different than the mainstream." Showing that Geraldo clearly hasn't looked at the "mainstream" in Texas any time recently.

By Geraldo's own admission, these people are NOT coming here for asylum - they're coming for money...most of which will be from taxpayers, both in direct payments and indirect expenses (healthcare, schools, housing and a lot more).

We are not unsympathetic to those people (not including the criminals, gang members, or incurably diseased) who want to come into the United States - which remains, despite the Dems' best efforts, the land of opportunity.

But we would also not be unsympathetic to the distressed shipwreck survivors still in the water once the only life boat has been filled to the point that even one more person added will sink the boat - causing everyone to drown.

There are limits to what we can do, and those limits need to be established by law and enforced through legal means - not by mob rule. Because when our nation's laws fail - and they might - the question won't be who's coming into this country, but how the rest of us can get the hell out.

Monday, November 26, 2018

Some Bones To Pick With You


In much the same way that we believe "there's still some good meat on those bones" as our leftovers dwindle to a precious few, so too do we feel like we can coax at least one more semi-vacation day out of Thanksgiving even though it's getting pretty distant in the rearview mirror.

So today will be another collection of semi-random topics and thoughts, which we'll blame on the lingering effects of our recent tryptophan overdose.

For starters, we'll report that we had a genuinely lovely Thanksgiving dinner with family. As is tradition, the younger members of the party shared the exciting new things happening in their lives, then tried to suppress their expressions of horror as we older folks regaled the table with our latest rounds of doctor visits, surgeries, and odd medical quirks which may or may not do us in before next Thanksgiving.

We're pretty sure the original pilgrims didn't do this while eating turkey, but only because living to "old age" way back then meant hitting 35 or so. Granted, dropping dead at that age isn't great, but at least their Puritan corpses still had cartilage on their knee and hip joints.

We were, however, delighted to meet a new family member at this occasion- a beautiful month-old girl born to our niece here in Texas. And speaking of babies (clever segue, huh?) this is as good a place as any to also welcome the three-week-old boy recently born to our nephew and his wife in Alaska, and an additional baby girl born to another nephew and wife in Indiana. Seeing all these new lives, in person and via Internet, reminds us yet again of the importance of trying to get the world into some kind of reasonable shape since that's where the kids are going to have to eventually live.

On a different topic, we cleverly side-stepped the brutal crush of Black Friday shopping by buying a new big screen 4K television on the previous Dusky Wednesday, when the deals weren't quite as good but you had a better chance of not ending up on the local news. Later today, we'll be adding numerous electronic umbilicals to the new TV while enjoying Tourette's-style expressions of enthusiasm.

We are, of course, very excited about being able to experience the full unbridled glory of having a television which offers widescreen 4K resolution and "billions of colors" as we watch our fuzzy old black and white films on Turner Classic Movies. We will, however, probably find a 4K online video of a grizzly bear standing in white water and snapping at jumping salmon just so we can "ooh" and "ahh" at the eye-slicing detail of something we normally wouldn't watch at gunpoint.

"At gunpoint" is also how we're feeling after receiving a letter from the Social Security Administration on Black Friday, explaining that they're going to charge us an additional $6000 for our (ahem) "free" Medicare based on their hallucinatory estimation of our non-existent income.

We can't say for sure, but we suspect that this may be a direct result of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tapping keys on a government computer that she was explicitly told not to touch.

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Wishful Drinking / Thanksgiving

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Actually, even if we DO get the wishbone this year (unlikely, since we zero in on the turkey wings) we wouldn't make the wish above. Rather, we'd make a wish to do away with liberalism, thereby getting everyone on the same page about doing good for others, rather than just whining that someone else should be forced to do good for others.

But hopefully, politics won't even come up at our Thanksgiving gathering or yours. Because even if there's no one at the table wearing a pussy hat, political discussion will do nothing to improve the meal or the day - and will in fact distract from the very important business of giving thanks. If you must argue about something, let it be about something relevant to the day - like whether or not oysters belong in stuffing (spoiler alert: they don't. Oysters belong in a tightly-wrapped Kleenex.)

Here in the Jarlsberg family, we have a lot to be thankful for this year. Daughter J got a great new place to live and an outstanding new job working with kids, which she has an absolute gift for. She's doing great.

The whole family is in reasonably good health (hey, you can't expect perfection from old people), and we have friends (including you!), extended family, and a Good Dog.

Let's see, we're also thankful that at least a little of our retirement account wasn't in high-tech stocks, since they've been the Acupulco cliff divers of our portfolio lately. Landing on the rocks, for that matter, their screams cut short by splatters.

Oops, sorry - we lost our gratitude thread there for a moment. Where were we? Oh yeah...

We remain deeply grateful for this wonderful country, and the military personnel (present and past) who've secured our liberties. We similarly give thanks to the first responders who put their lives on the line for all of us every day, especially in times of huge national disasters.

We can't say that we're thankful for every ill-formed thought that pops out of the President's mouth, but can say that we remain thankful - and delighted - that his words continue to cause absolute agony to those on the Left. And yes, we're saying that with a rakish grin.

Here's hoping that you all enjoy whatever Thanksgiving festivities, traditions, or observances you take part in - however large or small. The act of taking time to think about our many blessings and express gratitude is a great antidote to the transitory annoyances of the daily news.

And just to close things out, here's a little dose of perspective from our dear friend Johnny Optimism...


NOTE: There won't be a new post on Friday, because we're going to be chilling. Or perhaps elbowing our way through the crowds at the doorbuster sales. Either way, we'll be back Monday!

Monday, November 19, 2018

A Poor Excuse for a Post

Wow, that IS a poor excuse for a post!
This is one of those awkward times when our schedule has gotten away from us and we know we're not going to be able to make a "real" blog post, but don't want to just leave everyone with an IOU either. Soooo, we're taking the middle ground: rather than no post, we're giving you a mediocre one. How's that for transparency in journalism?

And we've got no great excuse for our poor time management skills. Oh sure, grocery shopping in the pre-Thanksgiving rush took longer than we thought it would. And offering some tech support for a friend was more time consuming that we expected (note to world: setting up an Amazon "tap" device is a special trip into Hell). And then we had to resolve a brouhaha with Amazon (again!) over their rejection of a tasteful and heartwarming Christmas shirt we designed for sale on their site.

And as long as we're blatantly filling space, here's the shirt...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, kamashirtra, amazon, stocking dead, walking dead, santa

It's available as a t-shirt (we finally convinced Amazon to see things our way), sweatshirt, or hoodie, though we're not making a sales pitch here because we think this stuff is too darn expensive on Amazon. But we make designs anyway because it's fun and we firmly believe in the principle of Ars Gratia Artis (literally, "Artists are grating").

There's plenty of stuff going on in the news, of course, but none of it much captured our fancy. Although we were really tempted to run with the story of the pinheaded California Democrat (but we repeat ourselves - thrice, in fact) who suggested that the way the government could force gun owners to turn in their weapons is to threaten them with nukes. And that, friends, is truly Defcon-One grade stupidity.

In other areas, various Democrats have finally run out of uncounted ballots to pull out of magician's hats (although we've got a pretty good idea that's not what they were really being pulled out of) and have had to admit electoral defeat. A good thing, to be sure, but a pretty frightening reminder that we need to get election fraud under control before 2020. This election cycle was a hot mess, and if we're going to fix any damn thing in this country, that should probably be first.

We'll wrap this up with what's probably the funniest story currently out there: Stormy "Stuff Me Like a Butterball Turkey" Daniels has declared in a Newsweek interview that her involvement with Donald Trump and politics has "completely destroyed her career."

As boinking for bucks seems like an evergreen career choice, we weren't sure what she was referring to. But apparently all the negative publicity has derailed her burgeoning career behind the cameras in porn, where she was blazing a trail as a scriptwriter. Not that it's the world's hardest job...

MAN AT DOOR: Pizza delivery.
WOMAN IN NEGLIGEE: I asked for extra sausage.
MAN AT DOOR: How about...this?!

Stormy was also making professional inroads "picking out the wardrobe" for porn shoots, which again doesn't strike us as highly skilled labor since the wardrobe usually consists of birthday suits, albeit with occasional fashion accessories like a ball gag, butt plug, and strap on.

Which, as long as we're free-associating, would make a good name for Michael Avenatti's next law firm.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Ladies Daze

Although it wasn't intentional, it seems that today's cartoons are all closely associated with women and women's issues. Not that we mean to assume anyone's gender...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, michelle obama, tears, cried for 30 minutes, fuck her, inauguration

Michelle Obama is back on the publicity circuit (not that we're sure she ever left it), and recently told oppressed billionaire Oprah Winfrey that, following Trump's inauguration, the former first lady boarded the departure helicopter and wept for 30 minutes. Which is apparently how long it takes to roll out the drink cart on Marine One.

She didn't mention if Barry also shed a few tears or, just possibly, banged his head on the floor like a spoiled toddler while screaming through the tears and snot cascading down his "angry face."

Michelle's current high profile is fueling speculation that she may be laying the groundwork for a presidential run in 2020 - a task she might find a bit easier now that another contender looks like he's going down in well-deserved flames...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, avenatti, assault, tucker carlson, stormy daniels

In one of the quickest and most appropriate cases of Karmic smackdown we've seen recently, creepy porn lawyer (and Democratic presidential hopeful) Michael Avenatti has been accused of repeatedly punching a woman in the face, with security personnel witnessing the immediate after effects of the beatdown while Avenatti screamed at the victim in anger.

This is the same a**hole who talked aging porn performer Stormy "I'll Do Anything For $5" Daniels into suing Donald Trump (and losing), brought forth false testimony from a bimbo claiming that Brett Kavanaugh was a gang rape mastermind (which not even the Democrats believed), and now finds himself with yet another high profile political case: in a restaurant, a male board member of a feminist organization (!) berated newscaster Tucker Carlson's daughter as a "whore" and a "f*cking c*nt" when she committed the unforgivable sin of walking past his barstool. Carlson's son then threw a glass of wine in the nitwit's face and told him to get the hell out - which he did.

So serial liar and alleged woman-beater Avenatti has subsequently taken the male feminist who believes women are whores and c*nts as a client, in order to charge both Tucker Carlson and his son for assault and battery using an unexceptional bordeaux.

Oh sure, it all sounds crazy. But when it comes to truly spectacular lunacy in Washington, there's a whole new show in town...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, ocasio-cortez, intern, nuts, socialist

Socialist Representative-elect Alexandria "Way Too Much Caffeine" Ocasio-Cortez is already dismayed with Washington because, during early orientation, people keep assuming that she's just a young, clueless intern instead of a young, clueless member of Congress.

We've already heard from her own frighteningly toothy mouth that Cortez foolishly believed she would be "inaugurated" into her new job, and that she would suddenly have the power to sign bills into law. So perhaps she also assumed that she would have automatically received an aura of political power and authority which the rabble would be able to recognize from afar, no doubt shielding their eyes from the magnificent glare as they hastily knelt in her presence.

But nooOOooo. It turns out she just looks like any other ambitious, over-amped jerk in a city which was already crawling with them.

We sincerely look forward to her future crushing disappointments.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

The Jarlsberg Diaries: Stan the Man

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, stan lee, marvel comics, superheroes, sjw

Stan Lee, the man who pretty much reinvented superheroes and comic books, died recently at age 95. That's a good long run for anyone, and considering all the joy he brought into the world this doesn't seem like a time for grief so much as remembrance and celebration.

Stan Lee was a prolific writer whose work was paired with that of a spectacular array of comics artists: Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko, Wally Wood, and too many others to name. Together they created Marvel comics, which were simultaneously more fun and more serious than the "kid stuff" comics which preceded them. Stan the Man was the driving force behind cultural phenomena like Spiderman, the Avengers, Iron Man, the Fantastic Four, the Black Panther, the Incredible Hulk, and dozens (if not hundreds) more.

Unlike previous superheroes, those written by Stan Lee had greater complexity, insecurities, and identifiable problems which superpowers alone couldn't solve. Not that their superpowers weren't spectacular and satisfyingly kinetic.

As a youth who could be charitably described as a waddlesome nerd some 55 years ago, I loved the Marvel titles and collected them religiously. My idea of Heaven at the time was to buy the latest issues at the drug store (comics were priced at about 12¢ then) and scurry off to my basement bedroom, frequently with a bag of BBQ chips to enhance the number of senses being stimulated at the same time.

I thought I was just having fun, but it turns out I was also learning a lot about concise, visual storytelling. This served me well in later years when I was writing and laying out picture books, as well as scripts for television and film (stories for another day). But did those comics do more for my career than four years of college? In all likelihood, the answer is yes. And here I am, more than half a century later, still telling stories with characters who live in little boxes and speak in word balloons.

I still have a lot of those old comics, lovingly stored in individual plastic envelopes. And it's a good thing, because new Marvel comics really aren't what they used to be. Oh, the films are alright if you're in the mood for big, dumb, eye-popping CGI spectacle (and sometimes I am). But the comic books themselves have taken a hard left political turn and are now primarily vehicles for the wish fulfillment of their Social Justice Warrior writers and artists.

You have superheroes fighting Trump stand-ins, storming the battlements with (not against) Antifa types, and fighting things like income inequality and inflexible gender roles rather than city-devouring monsters, evil scientists, and planet-conquering aliens. Many of the classic superheroes created by Lee have been "updated" with minority figures in the name of diversity. And there's nothing wrong with diversity, but when Stan Lee wanted a black superhero, he damn well created one who was black rather than simply transferring the costume of an existing hero to whatever ethnic stereotype was the flavor of the month.

And I don't have a problem with Ice Man from the X-men coming out as gay, but do we really need page after page of him flirting with other guys instead of saving the world? Is Captain America a better hero for our times since Marvel declared that this super-patriot has actually been an undercover Nazi all along? And is The Mighty Thor quite as awesomely god-like now that he's been given a vagina? A process which sounds like it would leave you mighty thor, as Daffy Duck might say.

Mind you, all of this SJW stuff is absolutely killing Marvel financially on the comics shelves. Unsurprisingly, no one wants to read this crap.

Stan Lee gave us heroes instead of whiners. And in so doing, became something of a hero himself.

Stan Lee has a cameo in almost every Marvel film. 

Monday, November 12, 2018

Veterans Day 2018

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, veterans day, 2018, VA

Yesterday was Veterans Day, and today is the legal observance of Veterans Day. And two days is a good start, but we still need another 363 days a year to appropriately show appreciation for those who have served.

These are the men and women who have given us everything...a gift which they have all paid dearly for, with the price too often being their very lives.

Sadly, we still have a long way to go in correcting the failures of various VA programs, and the totally unacceptable problems of homeless veterans in our nation's streets and a heartbreaking plague of suicides. There should be no higher governmental priority than doing right by these men and women, whatever the cost.

But it's important to note that, despite these very real problems, Veterans Day is still primarily one of celebration. A day in which we can recognize, and give thanks for, the courage, integrity, leadership, and patriotism of those who have given military service. You are the best of us.

Friday, November 9, 2018

All The News That Fits

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, ginsburg, shooter, tucker carlson, acosta, busty ross

Excuse our scattershot approach, but this is one of those days when the news has, as Emperor Joseph II once told Mozart, "Too many notes."

Mixed situations and mixed emotions, all hitting hard and fast while we're still sorting through the emotional baggage left over from the midterm elections. And our immediate reaction is to simply stare and shake our heads as we try to incorporate these many stories into a cohesive whole.

Not mentioned above is Jeff Session's resignation as Attorney General, and all the wild speculation going on about what will happen next regarding the Mueller investigation. We're betting that will turn colorful in a hurry. And we expect some amusing showboating from Nancy Pelosi soon, as she struggles to demonstrate that she's still young and hip enough to wield the Speaker's gavel.

Two stories above do have an interesting connection: CNN's Jim Acosta lost his White House press credentials owing to repeated instances of being an aggressive, repugnant douche nozzle - and the mainstream media is going nuts about this "threat" to the First Amendment. But there is not a whisper of comment or complaint from these same sources after a howling mob attacked the home of Fox News personality Carlson Tucker, battering his door until it cracked, and screaming that he would not be safe.

We trust that if a masked mob staged a similar assault on the home of Joy Behar, it would be a major story in the mainstream press, and probably provoke an outright call for martial law.

It's all a bit overwhelming, which is why the weekend is arriving just in the nickel dime. May it be restorative for all of us and - God willing - the Republic.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Poll Cat

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, mid term elections, schrodinger's cat, 2018, trump, amy schumer

Yes, nothing says topical, post-election humor quite like a quantum theory joke! But considering the fact that we're writing this on Tuesday afternoon and don't know which way the elections are going to break, we couldn't help but think of Schrodinger's cat in a sealed box and its unresolved state of possibilities.

In much the same way, our immediate political future is in an unresolved state as these words are written...but by the time you read them, you'll know whehter Schrodinger's ballot box opened to reveal the electoral equivalent of a happy, purring, pampered kitty...or an appalling fly-infested mix of whiskers and rotting guts infested with feasting News maggots.

(Note: our sincere editorial apologies to any readers who read that last bit while still working on breakfast.)

Lacking the ability to expound further (we actually have a lot more to say about quantum theory, but have yet to meet anyone who was glad when we did), we're looking to you readers to help carry the conversational ball in the comments section today. Are we celebrating today or mourning? High-fiving or standing on ledges? Beats us...but in either case, it's not unlikely that we'll have a hangover today.

And speaking of confusing realities, we'll end this by noting our baffled reaction to alleged comedienne Amy Schumer's "get out the vote" tweet in which she showed an ultrasound of the child she's carrying in order to express the vital importance of people getting out and voting in order to keep unfettered abortion as available as drive-thru hamburgers.

Put another way, even Schrodinger's box isn't as confusing as Schumer's.


LATE NIGHT UPDATE

It would appear that the Dems have retaken the House, and will be even more annoying now. Idiots, socialists, and radicals will be committee heads, and specious congressional investigations into Trump, Kavanaugh, and probably everyone reading this blog will become a significant monkey wrench jammed into the machinery of America's recent successes.

Damn.

Monday, November 5, 2018

If Your Election Lasts More Than Four Hours...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, grab them by the ballot, mid-term elections, poling place, lefty lucy, daylight saving time
Yes, we spelled "poling" that way on purpose.
Tomorrow is Election Day, and one way or another it's going to pack a wallop. We're either going to see the effective end of the Trump experiment as House Democrats begin two years of unending lawsuits, investigations, and impeachment attempts...or delicious agony and despair from Leftists as they're forced to endure ongoing gains in pretty much every measure of American success.

Actual logical discourse about which party should win has pretty much disappeared, as exemplified by the Democrats' ad in which a bunch of naked women stare dolefully at a camera while holding paper ballots over what is apparently the only important part of their anatomy.

Their message is clear enough: "we are ambulatory reproductive systems without enough sense to practice simple birth control or, God forbid, abstinence, and nothing matters to us other than the convenience of killing babies."

Seriously, shouldn't all women be offended by this campaign? Especially when they notice that there's no corollary in which men are being encouraged to vote with their schwanzstuckers?

The choices in this election are stark: mobs versus jobs, capitalism versus socialism, hate versus debate, division versus unity, logic versus emotion, and responsibility versus hedonistic chaos.

On Tuesday night, things are going to change. And sadly, the naked truth is that we don't know which way.

AND FROM THE VAULT

She'll be voting. Make sure you do, too!

Friday, November 2, 2018

Skinny Dips

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, don lemon, hillary, racism, white males, all look alike, megyn kelly

With Halloween so recently in the rear view mirror, it's not surprising that some high-profile racists are allowing their masks to slip enough to show the more than skin-deep ugliness underneath.

CNN's Don Lemon, about whom it can truly be said "when Life gives you Lemon, take Life outside and beat it senseless," just declared that when it comes to terrorism, absolutely no group of people should be demonized. Except White men, of course, because they're "the biggest terror threat in this country."

To prove this, he cited statistics of killings by alleged White terrorists over the past 20 years or so, with the total number of victims being approximately the same as any 3-day weekend in the conspicuously non-White environs of Chicago.

Meanwhile, bitter clinger Hillary Clinton was being interviewed about civility in politics (because who could possibly be more of an expert?) when the program's host briefly confused Cory "Spartacus" Booker with Eric "Fast & Furious" Holder. Hillary helped the host over this embarrassing gaff by quipping of the Black men, "they all look alike."

The audience and usually volatile media outlets just laughed it off because, darn it, racist comments are funny when they come from screamingly liberal Democrats! Who can forget Senator (and former KKK member) Robert Byrd's heartwarming description of the working class poor as "White niggers?" Or Joe Biden's amazement that candidate Barack Obama was "articulate and clean," or Harry Reid's marveling at Obama's pleasingly "light skin" and ability to speak with "no Negro dialect, unless he wanted one."

Oddly, screaming Progressives can always get away with this kind of blatant racism, while those who show the least inclination to conservatism will be cast into the fires of Hell for saying anything, no matter how innocent or well intended, which can be construed as being racist.

As a case in point, Megyn Kelly has just been canned from a $69 million contract for mentioning casually on her morning show that it used to be okay for White kids to dress up as Black characters when she was a kid. When corrected, she apologized fully and sincerely and wanted to open a dialogue to help all sides express their views and perhaps find greater understanding between the races. But nooOOooo. Instead she's been thrown under Rosa Parks' bus and had her journalistic career ruined, not because of an act of hate speech, but because of an act of the far less acceptable honest speech.

Somehow, the word "hypocrisy" just isn't enough to describe the despicable double standards of the race-obsessed on the Left.

AND DON'T FORGET...

Speaking of things that make us feel like projectile vomiting...


Don't forget to turn your clocks back on Sunday so that you can screw up your sleep cycles, enjoy seeing midnight blackness outside at around 6 pm, and enjoy all of the gut-wrenching effects of jet lag without actually having to go somewhere potentially fun.

If Trump would promise an executive order ending Daylight Saving Time, we think he could pretty much lock up the midterm results he (and we) are hoping for.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Happy Halloween 2018

We take Halloween pretty seriously at Stilton's Place, as evidenced by these actual interior decorations we've been enjoying for most of the month...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, halloween, decorations, johnny optimism, wheelchairs, costumes




We're also ready with a full contingent of outdoor decorations for the trick-or-treat crowd, including inflatables, video projectors, creepy music, and psychedelic lighting. Unfortunately, rain and wind are predicted tonight (damn you, global climate change!) so we may just end up watching storms with our noses pressed against the window while eating tiny candy bars instead of greeting costumed kids.

But hope springs eternal, and we'll be ready to make the outside of stately Jarlsberg manor suitably creepy if there's a break in the weather.

And speaking of hope springing eternally, we'd like to share the graphic below from our good friend Johnny Optimism. Every year on that site, we post a collage of decorated Halloween wheelchairs as a reminder that when Life gives you lemons, you should kick Life in the ass and throw your lemons at it, then do something totally awesome.

Considering the all-too-spooky news lately, we think it's a timely bit of advice. So enjoy Halloween, and take optimism and inspiration from these kids (and their wonderful parents)!


Monday, October 29, 2018

Illuminutty

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, pipe bomber, synagogue, mass murder, mass shooting, insanity, trump, hillary

Is insanity the new normal? We hope not, but we're starting to have serious concerns. No sooner do authorities collect a Trump-obsessed bomb maker than the story is blasted out of the spotlight by another hate-filled maniac who went on a killing spree in a quiet Jewish synagogue, leaving 11 dead and more wounded. This is tragic and unacceptable craziness.

Following hard on their heels, legions of "news" people and social media gadflies are weighing in on whether Trump's "rhetoric of violence" (which mostly seems to be an unfortunate appreciation of rough-housing and fist fights) caused one or both of the incidents cited above. Spoiler alert: no, it didn't - except to the extent that the mentally unstable can get inspiration from almost anyone or anything before acting out. Do we know for a fact that neither of the crazed individuals was inspired to action by Hillary Clinton's impassioned call to treat your political enemies with "incivility" when they "want to destroy everything you stand for?"

We'll happily concede a scintilla of nuttiness in Trump, but considering the fact that the Obama administration wrapped a thick fog of insanity around every aspect of government (thus normalizing it), and Hillary "Guilty of Literally Everything" Clinton was set to continue our straightjacketed march into Hades, conservatives' only "rational" choice in 2016 was to choose Clinton's irrational opponent. The fact that he's still been spectacularly successful only underscores that we're not in Kansas anymore.

News people and politicians regularly demonize their opponents now in more-or-less Biblical terms, and preach that if you're not against the "evil" and actively fighting it ("Get in their faces! Let them know they're not welcome anywhere!"), then you're evil yourself and damned to political perdition. Unless you do penance by repeating (or acting upon) slogans like "Punch the Nazis" and"Kill White People."

Is anyone sane on college campuses these days? Conservative speakers are physically attacked, fires are started, and windows smashed. Minority students falsify racist attacks by scrawling graffiti and hanging nooses. "Safe spaces" are needed for students to recover after experiencing "micro aggressions" like, presumably, gnat farts. And a recent study suggested that as many as 26% of all college students may now be experiencing PTSD symptoms left over from their candidate losing in 2016. Snowflakes, indeed.

And while we hate to say it, we've recently seen a disturbing amount of craziness offered up by people who are good friends, as they cite wild conspiracy theories denying the obvious realities surrounding both the pipe bombs and the steroid-fueled whacko living in a van which looked like a Trump parade float. "He's too stereotypical to be real," "His window stickers don't look faded enough," "Anonymous Internet sources say he was a Democrat right up until the day this happened," "How did he drive all those bombs to the mailboxes in one day," and on and on.

With love in our hearts, we encourage anyone with this mindset to take a deep cleansing breath, think of the mantra "Sh*t Happens" on your exhale, then rejoin the less dramatic world of the marginally sane.

Yes, there are real conspiracies (the whole Mueller Russian investigation is a fine example), but it's a bad idea to develop an entire cosmology based on the idea that nothing that we see is real, and nefarious puppet-masters like the Bilderbergs, Zionist Jews, Globalists, or the Illuminati are constantly pulling the invisible strings running from the 9/11 attacks to Sandy Hook to the crowded secret cemetery in Arkansas that holds the bodies of Clinton murder victims.

More than any time in living memory, we are being bombarded by nuttiness, conspiracies, and calls to violence. We are pressured around the clock to replace reasoned discourse with emotional actions. It is a contagious fever - and an exceedingly dangerous one.

For all of this, we have no answers. But we can at least point out that somehow all of this madness must end - and soon - if the American experiment is to outlive us all. Until then, "be sane" and encourage sanity in others.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Lip Bomb

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, pipe bombs, elections, midterms, media, mainstream media, terror

In a nightmare scenario which seems in retrospect to have been almost inevitable, ten or more alleged pipe bombs were mailed to high profile Democrats, causing huge explosions of moral outrage and accusations from the Left, even though the "bombs" appear to have been about as dangerous as Tinker Toys.

In other words, the bombs functioned perfectly - because the likely intent was to disrupt the news cycles and throw the upcoming midterm elections into a state of chaos. Mission Accomplished, anonymous "bomber!"

At the time of this writing, we honestly don't know who is behind these devices, nor if the "bombs" were simply ineptly assembled or purposely designed to be photogenic and not to do any physical damage. Neither do we know the politics of the person or persons responsible. Whether they lean Right or Left barely matters; they represent neither group and are either off their rockers or guilty of having spectacularly inappropriate senses of humor which they will hopefully have a lot of time to reconsider while in the penitentiary.

The FBI is working hard on clearing up those points, and we expect answers and arrests soon. Unfortunately, that won't undo the very real damage which has already been done. Left-leaning "news" outlets which always caution us not to assume a terrorist is Islamic just because he shouts "Allahu Akbar" are declaring with absolute certainty that the Rube Goldberg bombs were sent by a Trump-loving racist hillbilly who has been inflamed by the President's many imaginary calls for violence.

These unsubstantiated stories are what was recently called, by those same sources, "interference in our elections." If Leftist media actually gave a rat's rear end about the sanctity of elections, they wouldn't be screaming their unfounded accusations to the electorate on a 24/7 basis. The impact of their mendacity wildly overshadows any insignificant influence which may or may not have been generated by a few thousand dollars worth of Russian ads on Facebook back in 2016..

What was contained in those manilla envelopes may well be the first actual "social media bombs," but they surely won't be the last. The mainstream media has made clear that a single individual, whether crazy or crafty, can change the national narrative - and perhaps the course of an election - with a wild enough stunt.

Sadly, the media's complicity in all of this has completed the transformation of our nation's Fourth Estate into a dangerous Fifth Column. Put that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

The Miracle Jerker

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, obama, economic miracle, benghazi, economy, rally, las vegas, trump

There are times in our lives, times we're not particularly proud of, when we fantasize about being able to wallop someone with a Costco-sized banana cream pie with extra whipped cream. And one of those times was Monday, when Barack "the future must not belong to those who slander the Prophet of Islam" Obama spoke at a political rally in Las Vegas.

(A brief but important aside: the last time we recall Obama attending a political rally in Las Vegas was while the ruins of our embassy in Benghazi were literally still smoking. And there, he likened the "sacrifices" of political volunteers to those who sacrificed their lives in Libya. The rat bastard.)

But here in the present day, it wasn't our embassy on fire, but rather Barack Obama's pants for approximately the millionth time. And the whopper that particularly caught our attention was this one: "When you hear this talk about economic miracles, remember who started it!"

Well we do remember, and it sure as Shinola wasn't Barry. He further explained, "By the time I left office, wages were rising, the uninsurance rate was falling, poverty was falling, and that's what I handed off to the next guy."

But let's slip into our hip waders and parse this nonsense. Wages were "rising" from the grave at a nearly imperceptible rate owing to Obama's successful efforts to impede economic recovery as long as possible (indeed, it was the slowest economic recovery ever).  The rate of uninsurance declined only because people were ordered under penalty of law to get Obamacare, with taxpayers and the middle class getting stuck for the wildly unaffordable premiums. The claim that "poverty was falling" is absolutely unsubstantiated, and the notion that Barry handed off a nascent economic miracle to Trump is absurd on its face.

To that end, we'd like to take an opportunity to remind everyone of what Obama was actually handing off to his successor...


This is the man who spent hundreds of billions on fake "shovel ready jobs" that never materialized, but somehow managed to enrich the coffers of Democrats and radical liberal groups...


And this same economic genius actually proposed this as an idea to create a million new jobs (spoiler alert: it didn't create any)...


And he followed up that inspiration with this unintentional bit of "transparency"...


Yep, even with record unemployment and no hope on the horizon, Obama disbanded his advisory Jobs Council after not bothering to meet with them for over a year.

Make no mistake, Obama was an economic disaster for America and much of it was intentional on his part. The "economic miracle" is that we somehow managed to survive his eight year reign of error.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Branching Out

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, antifa, protesters, monkeys, bricks

The story itself is tragic: a harmless 72-year-old man in India was innocently collecting a few pieces of dried wood when enraged monkeys in a nearby treetop started pelting him with actual bricks - sadly with deadly accuracy. The old gentleman died of multiple head and chest injuries, quite possibly with a look of horror on his face that this time more than monkey flop was being flung.

While it might not immediately seem that there is much for us to learn from this incident, other than that monkeys should have to go through background checks and a waiting period before getting their wiry little hands on bricks, we actually think the incident has strong parallels to what is currently happening in our own country.

Specifically, this angry mob of monkeys puts us in mind of the angry mobs of Leftists who are getting increasingly vocal, aggressive, and confrontational in streets, restaurants, and government buildings. Although fortunately, being basement dwellers, most Antifa types have no tree-climbing skills, and lack the upper body strength to actually lift a brick - let alone throw it farther than the toe of their Doc Martens.

Consider this: in India, the monkeys are considered sacred and are coddled for their entire worthless lives. Any mischief they get up to, apparently including murder, is quickly forgiven. Besides, how can you tell one monkey from another? Meanwhile in the United States, the Leftists promoting street violence are also products of privilege, raised with neither discipline nor a sense of responsibility. Like the monkeys, they gather in mobs and take efforts to make sure that they all look so much alike that no one can tell them apart.

Then there are the more obvious comparisons, the first of which is that both murderous monkey mobs and Antifa protesters are little assholes who want to raise Hell just for the fun of it, with no ability to actually communicate intelligibly what it is they actually want (other than mayhem). Another is that both groups choose victims who are essentially helpless; as a case in point, just look at the Antifa protester in Portland, Oregon who told a widow that her deceased husband, a police officer killed in the 9/11 attacks, was a "sodomizer" who should "rot in the grave."

Remarkably, this little feces-flinger's attitude changed completely when confronted by an actual alpha male - the widow's son. He turned tail and ran, shamed in front of the other anarchy monkeys, and thus unlikely to ever get an opportunity to breed.

There are surely other similarities between the simians and the simpletons, but we don't have enough Jane Goodall in us to bother sorting it all out. Suffice it to say that the potential danger from both kinds of pests will only diminish when people decide they've had enough.

BONUS: STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

Later today, Donald Trump will be appearing in Houston, Texas to campaign for Ted Cruz, who is in a pitched senatorial battle with Democrat "Beto" O'Rourke - a full blooded Irishman who identifies as being Hispanic. Cruz is still enjoying a lead in the polls, despite unprecedented millions of dollars flowing into O'Rourke's campaign from sources outside Texas (and none of which sources want anything good to happen to Texas).

So it's a fine thing that Trump will be leading another pep rally, but we can't help but wonder if the atmosphere might be a little strained backstage, considering the brutal attacks Trump and Cruz exchanged when running for President. And in case you've forgotten, here's a little reminder from the vault...

"Dignity. Always dignity."

Friday, October 19, 2018

Russian to Judgment

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, putin, heaven, nuclear war

Considering all of the sex, violence, and name-calling currently in the news, we thought it would be refreshing to present a story with a more spiritual side.

Specifically, Vladimir Putin has announced that in the event Russia suffers a nuclear attack, all of the Russians who are incinerated will go straight to Heaven. Yay!

Granted, we think his theology may be a little suspect on this particular point, as pretty much all faiths demand belief in their core tenets and require acts of redemption to get past Saint Peter (or in this case, Saint Petersburg) rather than simply dying in a spectacularly colorful way.

Still, Putin asserts that the glow-in-the-dark Russians would have been martyred, which is apparently akin to having a "Get Out of Hell Free" card. Mind you, we thought that only worked if you were martyred for your faith - but who are we to question a world leader who poisons journalists he doesn't like?

Gulp.

Then again, maybe Vlad got insights into a change in the eternal entrance requirements in a vision in which he was told, "After my resurrection, I have more flexibility."

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Don't Say We Didn't Warren You

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, dna test, pocahontas
As always, you can click the cartoon for a larger view (and read the itty-bitty type above).
Well, the test results are in, and it seems that presidential wannabee Elizabeth "Princess Running Gag" Warren isn't quite the Cherokee warrior she claimed to be as a "woman of color."

Rather, her DNA showed that she might be 1/1024th Native American - which is less than most white Americans - but even that infinitesimal number might be wrong because there are no Native American DNA samples to compare hers with. So the DNA "specialist" compared those particular genes with ones found in other populations in Mexico and South America. Meaning that Warren may actually be Incan, Aztec, or Mayan and have a family history better suited to human sacrifice than running casinos.

But the important thing to take away from this DNA test is that Elizabeth Warren is so white that she makes Casper the ghost look like Kanye West.

Warren has made it clear that her presidential ambitions mean we'll be seeing a lot of her in the future, which makes us think that this is a good time to revisit the past. To that end, enjoy this short retrospective of cartoons...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, dna test, pocahontas

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, dna test, pocahontas

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, dna test, pocahontas

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, dna test, pocahontas

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, elizabeth warren, indian, dna test, pocahontas

BONUS: ERROR ON A G-STRING

We can't really resist commenting about a judge's decision to throw out Stormy Daniels' defamation case against President Trump...and his order that she pay all of his legal expenses in the case as a deterrent to frivolous suits brought by skeezy lawyers like Michael Avenatti. 

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, stormy daniels, avenatti, trump, legal bills, g-string
We still think he banged her, though.