Friday, August 17, 2018

What's a Joint Like You Doing in a Nice Girl Like This?

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, mariana taylor, pledge of allegiance, protest, aclu, taking the knee, hillary, bill clinton, blowjob, baltimore
"You said a mouthful, honey!"
While not the biggest story currently in the public eye, we were drawn to today's topic because it serves as such an effective reminder of what kind of chaos we'd be experiencing on a daily basis if Hillary Clinton had successfully stolen the Presidency.

In this case, an 11-year-old girl in Baltimore who was inspired by Colin Kaepernick decided to "take the knee" during the Pledge of Allegiance to protest racism (she's white) and sexism (there are no 11-year-old female CEOs) and was told by her teacher that she had to stand. Heroically, the girl responded with tears, hysteria, a memorized recitation of the Supreme Court's "Tinker v. Des Moines" ruling, and an outreach to the local ACLU. You know, the way kids have always done.

Hillary, having nothing better to do with her time these days than encourage tiny little drama queens, tweeted "It takes courage to exercise your right to protest injustice, especially when you're 11! Keep up the good work!"

The Baltimore County Public Schools and the ACLU are now debating how best to deal with students "taking the knee" in protest, and it looks like school kids will likely be allowed - if not actively encouraged - to disrespect the Pledge from now on.

But we can't help but wonder how the school and ACLU will feel the first time a kid in an American flag t-shirt takes the knee to protest the Left's totally unfounded persecution of Trump? Or what if a kid chooses to bend a knee in protest of the illegal immigration which is changing our school systems? Or if we really want to see heads explode, let's watch what happens when a kid kneels to protest the injustice of attacks on 2nd Amendment rights?

Let us be clear: students don't lose their 1st Amendment rights when they enter a school, but that doesn't mean the school can't dictate the proper time, place, and form that expressions of political opinion should take place in order to minimize disruption and maintain appropriate discipline (which is already in short supply in too many school systems).

We'd say that we're disappointed in Hillary's encouragement of this nonsense, but in truth we're not even surprised. This is, after all, a woman who has never taken an actual stand for America...and who can't keep from falling to her knees unless her arms are supported by Secret Service agents.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

And Now a Word from our Sponsor

Today's edition of Stilton's Place is brought to you by Clan MacGregor Scotch ("So Inexpensive and Almost Drinkable") because we couldn't actually face the day's news without first knocking back enough of this stuff to get our sense of humor back...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, clan macgregor, scotch
"The Archduke of flammable liquids"
We're not even kidding about needing a healthy snort as we cracked our knuckles at the keyboard. And who can blame us with lead stories like this one...?

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, omarosa, unhinged, tweets, n-word, dog
For a small additional price, you can add nitrous oxide!
Almost unbelievably in a world filled with genuine problems, the big story is apparently a Twitter feud between a former reality show host and a former reality show contestant, both of whom are showing themselves to be spectacularly low-class boobs.

As we understand it, a woman named Omarosa (named after the ranch where the Cartwrights lived in the TV series "Bonanza") was fired from the White House for multiple violations of security protocol, and is now trying to sell an autobiography by claiming that she heard (but can't prove) Trump say the dreaded n-word on a tape back when they were both entertainment media whores rather than political media whores.

Trump has responded with more of his infamous tweets, including this one: "When you give a crazed, crying lowlife a break, and give her a job at the White House, I guess it just didn't work out. Good work by General Kelly for quickly firing that dog!"

Omarosa is widely considered to be a pathological liar, but we can't honestly take any pleasure from a smackdown tweet which was too clearly written by an impulsive moron. (Note: views expressed while under the influence of alcohol may not represent the views of the management when cold sober, assuming that ever happens again).

Has Trump ever used the n-word in a bad way? We don't know and, frankly, we don't care just as long as his policies are fair to everyone (and so far, they seem to be). We hired Trump to get a very dirty job done, and were willing to overlook a lot of his (ahem) colorful qualities in the process. And we still feel that way.

Because the only other alternative was going to be more corruption dragging our country down. Corruption well represented by the subject of our next offering...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, strzok, fbi, corrupt, hillary, trump, go fund me

Disgraced FBI agent, wife-cheater, and all-around duplicitous a**hole Peter Strzok was recently fired from his position for a few minor infractions like completely stonewalling the Hillary Clinton investigation, and attempting a behind-the-scenes coups of President Donald Trump. All of which sounds like he should be dealing with a wall and a blindfold rather than the inconvenience of filing for unemployment benefits.

And he may not even be doing that, owing to a "Go Fund Me" campaign designed to slip greenbacks into the pocket of "a proud husband and father, a veteran of the US Army and counterintelligence Special Agent who spent more than two decades in a job he loved at the FBI."  Granted, it was time spent subverting justice and screwing the American people. But still, two decades is two decades. Or, according to the President, fourteen decades in Omarosa years.

Which is why Strzok's money grab has generated nearly $350,000 online at the time of this writing. Which isn't surprising. $5 from Bill in Seattle, $15 from Judy in Boston, $250,000 from Hillary in all adds up!

But even with the dreadful news stories above, we still pride ourselves on maintaining our glass half full attitude. Although at this very moment, our freaking glass is we need to splash a little more Clan MacGregor on the rocks. Or, if we're really ambitious, ice cubes.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Fake News and the Horse They Rode In On

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, 100 papers, fake news, editorials, advertising, spin

You can expect to see a lot of editorials like the one shown above on Thursday, August 16 (not that they're hard to find any other day) when over 100 newspapers have announced plans to simultaneously publish editorials attacking President Trump for suggesting that they lack integrity and (ahem) independence of thought.

Specifically, they're sick of being called "fake news" just because they publish stories which aren't even remotely true, and additionally incensed that Trump has declared that news organizations which knowingly lie to America's voters are "enemies of the people" because they're attempting to (ahem) meddle in our theoretically sacred voting process.

In this case, we completely agree with Trump. Mind you, neither we nor Trump is saying that every reporter and/or news outlet is like that. But the majority? Well, sadly...yeah.

And while some Fake News really does depend on inventing outright falsehoods (like any story that mentions piss, prostitutes, and Putin), most of it consists of playing sleazy word games to suggest and insinuate things which sound plausible but aren't true at all.

Calling it "spin" may sound cute, but it won't keep you from throwing up if you're spun hard enough and long enough.

Which is why we're going to digress at this point (bear with us - this will take awhile) and share an idea we've had for a long time. One which we'd actually like to see put into place somehow.

As backstory, we'll note that we worked professionally in the advertising industry for decades, and learned a lot about how to make anything - even a product's shortcomings - sound good. All without lying, but with careful word choices to suggest and insinuate. And of course the process works equally well in the other direction - you can make something great sound absolutely awful without lying as long as you're good at spin and misdirection.

First, let's make something bad sound good. How about "circus peanuts" - those bizarre, chalky foam candies that are shaped like a giant peanut, but colored orange, and flavored with banana? They're horrible, right? But what if we told you - truthfully - that they're "more fun than the Barnum & Bailey circus," "99% natural," "super for quick energy," "a great choice for healthy eaters," and "may aid in weight loss?"

But what are the facts behind those implications?
• They're more fun than the circus because that circus has gone out of business.
• They're 99% natural because they're 99% sugar...and 1% toxic chemicals from Hell.
• "Super for quick energy" translates to giving you a blood sugar "spike," which you'll soon crash from.
• "A great choice for healthy eaters" because unhealthy eaters - or diabetics - could be killed outright by these suckers.
• "May aid in weight loss," or may not. Because "may" is a magic weasel word.

Turning good to bad without lying is just as easy. If Trump invented a cure for cancer, here's what the media might say:
• Trump drug to put thousands of specialists out of work.
• Social Security in financial turmoil as Trump drug causes millions to live longer than expected.
• Trump drug was tested on adorable animals who could have gone to petting zoos.
• Despite praise, Trump drug still does nothing to curb gun violence.

See how the game works? Which finally brings us to our actual idea: we'd like to design a class for school kids in which they learn all of this - how to recognize it ("circle the weasel words in this paragraph") and how to do it themselves ("Find 10 good things to say about a maggot infested wound"). Our goal would NOT be to create more and better liars, but rather to teach kids a new way to look at the information being crammed down their throats.

Mind you, adults could benefit from the same training, but we think more good could be accomplished by letting kids know the actual rules of the persuasion, dissuasion, and misrepresentation game as early as possible.

Because if they're going to live in a media-saturated world, their best defense against "fake news" is going to be real and conscientious skepticism.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Butt Weight, There's Moore!

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, michael moore, fahrenheit 11/9

As if there wasn't enough nail-biting uncertainty about the mid-term elections already, another potentially disruptive event has been announced: in September, documentarian Michael "Where's the craft service table?" Moore will be releasing his latest cinematic opus - an attack on Donald Trump entitled "Fahrenheit 11/9." Presumably because Michael still has thousands of old posters from his earlier film "Fahrenheit 9/11" and he figures he can get more use out of them with a Post-it note covering the only part of the title being changed.

Okay, actually he thinks he's being really clever comparing 11/9 (Trump's election date) to 9/11 (a world-changing assault on our nation). Which, frankly, isn't a bad angle to take - and we should know. We used a similar switcheroo for a cartoon about Obama over 5 years ago.

The trailer for Moore's documentary is pretty much exactly what you'd expect it to be: context-free two second clips of Trump juxtaposed with a KKK rally to make him look bad, intercut with multiple shots of Michael Moore staring at the outsides of big buildings with a strained/puzzled look on his face like he needs to use a pay toilet but has nothing in his pockets except some melting Peppermint Patties.

Moore, who spends his time between documentaries hiring himself out to parties as a Rosie O'Donnell lookalike, is encouraging other celebrities to, like him, "put their bodies on the line" for the anti-Trump Resistance.

Although frankly, if their bodies are like his, no one will even be able to see the line.

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We're willing to bet right now that the first person to present the Academy's new award will be Hillary Clinton. You read it here first.

Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Shame Old Song and Dance

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, rosie o'donnell, broadway, showtunes, protest, trump, white house, hollywood, star, walk of fame

Given the increasingly angry political rhetoric in our country, it was only a matter of time before things got dangerously out of control and took an ugly turn. Sadly, it happened a few days ago when alleged entertainer Rosie O'Donnell (whose actual cause for celebrity is a complete mystery to us) stormed the White House gates with a coterie of Broadway performers who unleashed a "shock and awe" barrage of assault showtunes. Even worse, some reports also suggest that "jazz hands" were deployed.

O'Donnell, who is probably best known for being too annoying for even the other co-hosts of The View to endure, perhaps hatched the idea in hopes of replicating the famous siege which brought down Adolf Hitler in the waning days of WWII, when he committed suicide after his bunker was surrounded by a repertory company performing "Fiddler on the Roof."

A tiny flaw in O'Donnell's otherwise brilliant plan was that President Trump wasn't actually in the White House during the minstrel show, meaning that the performance (complete with a large "Treason" sign in simulated theatrical lights) was observed only by peons on the sidewalk who couldn't afford to attend an actual Broadway show without selling their children's vital organs.

Not wanting to be upstaged, so to speak, by their East Coast counterparts, the West Coast also launched an entertainment-related attack on Trump when the West Hollywood City Council voted unanimously to have Donald Trump's star permanently removed from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The impact of this brutal broadside was lessened only slightly by the fact that the Walk of Fame isn't actually in West Hollywood, and the city council has no jurisdiction or authority whatsoever in the matter. They might just have effectively been voting to end the California wildfires by mandating overtime hours for Smokey the Bear.

All of this reminds us once again that there is "no business like show business." A point hammered home by the fact that "show business" still loves Barack Obama, under whom America experienced "no business" for 8 years.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Earwigs: Hairy Situation

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Earwigs, Jojo, dog faced boy, hairy face, minoxidil
"Get back, Jojo"
Welcome to another edition of Earwigs, the unique feature which says "Stilton looked at the news and wanted no part of it today."

If we were going to mock politics today, we'd probably go with CNN's weekend-long hysteria claiming that alleged reporter Jim Acosta's actual life was in jeopardy while reporting from a recent Trump rally. Indeed, some CNN "journalists" are saying that the government needs to provide them with 24/7 Secret Service protection to thwart the murderous intentions of Trump's followers.

And just how was Acosta's life put in danger at the rally? Specifically, while he was trying to lie into a microphone, grinning Trump supporters stood on the other side of a flimsy metal barricade and chanted "CNN sucks!"

We're pretty sure that the Supreme Court would be quick to invoke the "Sticks n' Stones" precedent in finding that no actual harm was done to Acosta, nor was he being threatened in any conceivable manner.

They would also likely call him a wuss and add that, in their considered judgment, CNN actually does suck.

Friday, August 3, 2018

To Rush With Love

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, rush limbaugh, 30 years, anniversary
"No matter how much you might want to."
We're not about to let the 30th anniversary of the Rush Limbaugh Show go by without a proper show of respect, admiration, and affection for the greatest radio personality, and one of the most vital political minds, of our times.

There is quite simply no one else like Rush. His insights, analysis, humor and optimism are completely off the charts - and the fact that the Left is utterly baffled by him only adds to our delight. Remember when Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo launched "Air America Radio" hoping to create a liberal version of the Limbaugh magic? Their efforts were nightmarishly uninformative and unfunny, and they stunk up the airwaves so badly that the entire network collapsed.

But Rush goes on and on, coming into our homes and workplaces with an intimacy that makes him into much more than a celebrity entertainer. He's become a friend, a mentor, and a calming voice in decidedly non-calming times. Much like the late Paul Harvey, Rush Limbaugh is an American institution in the very best sense of the term.

Not that we always held him in such high regard. When Limbaugh's show first came to WBAP in Dallas, we tuned in only because he was said to be an absolute wild man, saying crazy things for sane people to laugh at. His was a freak show, like the old Joe Pyne broadcasts.

And so we tuned in to laugh...and laugh we did. But to our surprise, not at Rush but rather with him. Rather than wacky rants and diatribes, El Rushbo was speaking common sense at a time when sense wasn't common in the least. He made sense of the world and the news in a way we hadn't experienced before...and soon we were hooked.

Without exception, the people who say they hate Rush are people who have never seriously listened to his show objectively for a few days. They're afraid to, for the best of all possible reasons: he'll change their minds. And the average Leftist would rather go on being wrong forever rather than admit they've been duped.

It's no exaggeration to say that without Rush Limbaugh, neither "Hope n' Change" nor "Stilton's Place" would ever have happened. 

So thank you, Mr. Limbaugh, and here's hoping that the next 30 years will be as much fun as the first 30 have been!


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, obama, stumping, democrats, midterms, asshole, SCOAMF

The most hilarious news story of the day relates to the fact that Barack Hussein Obama, allegedly a past president, is taking to the campaign trail once again to stump for Democrats in the upcoming midterm elections.

Barry is quick to insult President Trump, but we've noticed that he pretty much has nothing to say regarding how things were better in any conceivable way during his nightmarish two term reign. Quite the contrary; the things which Donald Trump has accomplished with relative ease were declared absolutely impossible by the Obama administration. And in fairness, those accomplishments were impossible for an anti-capitalist anti-American.

Almost undeniably, the secret to Donald Trump's spectacular success has simply been not being Barack Obama. The economy booms, jobs take off, and other nations - friends and foes - no longer have the mindset that America can be pushed around and taken advantage of.

As far as we're concerned, getting Barry back out in public is the best thing that could happen for the mid-term elections. Because to really appreciate the Trump revolution, we need constant reminders of how bad everything was under the annoying, insufferably vain poseur we were stuck with for eight wretched years.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Gray Heir

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, ginsburg, supreme court, five years, portrait of dorian gray

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader "Are you sure I'm not Sandra Day O'Connor?" Ginsburg thrilled Leftists this week with the announcement that, despite being older than actual dirt, she intends to remain a withered and frequently dozing member of the Supreme Court for another five years.

This presumes, of course, that the Kickstarter campaign she has created to pay for "a recirculating pump and a metric buttload of formaldehyde" will be successfully funded.

And while we may joke about Ginsburg's age, it's only fair to note that there's no reason that age alone should disqualify anyone from sitting on the Supreme Court. After all, the giant Galapagos tortoise can live over 100 years. The Greenland Shark can top 200 years. And the spiny Red Sea Urchin lives even longer. And any of these death-defying centenarian miracles of nature would be a better Justice than Ginsburg, who was making bad decisions long before the last of her neurons packed up their bags and retired to Florida.

Still, in this magical age of modern medicine, it's entirely possible that Ginsburg may be kept alive for another five years. Somehow...

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"Best of all, he's your same size!"
This being the case it's entirely possible that we'll all have to suffer through another five years of Ginsburg's ideologically questionable rulings and her insistent (and highly questionable) belief that women's paychecks are less than those of men.

For the record, Stilton's Place believes strongly that both sexes should receive equal urnings...and we hope that Justice Ginsburg can take personal advantage of this egalitarian policy sooner rather than later.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Maxsterious Ways

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, maxine waters, trump, stormy daniels, God, plastic straws

We don't pretend to have great theological expertise, but Maxine Waters' recent declaration that she's on a "mission from God" seems to put her squarely in the same category of previous divine tools as plagues of locusts, frogs, flies, lice, and eruptions of large, painful boils which would even make Dr. Pimple Popper lose her lunch.

If we take Maxine at her word about God's purpose for her, it suggests that her entire life until now has been utterly pointless, an idea with which we can't really take issue. Seriously, what has this bitter woman actually accomplished over her long, angry life other than giving blobfish a reason to feel slightly better about their looks?

Considering the latest GDP numbers, it certainly doesn't look like God is out to get Trump. And even if He were, we don't think His known propensity for using "mysterious ways" would explain the overstuffed clown car of goofballs who have been trying (and failing) to drive the President from office.

Perhaps Maxine needs to look a bit deeper into her own soul when it comes to getting guidance from God. Because on the seventh day, even He knew when it was time to give it a rest.


We couldn't resist using Maxine's smug mug to address another nail-biting national crisis...

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, maxine waters, trump, stormy daniels, God, plastic straws

Friday, July 20, 2018

Slogan Control

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, pelosi, schumer, for the people, slogan, abraham lincoln, gettysburg address

The Democrats are growing in confidence (okay, technically it's arrogance) regarding November's mid-term elections, and it's not surprising. According to allegedly unbiased news outlets, the United States has fallen under Russian control, Trump is stuffing weeping immigrant children into concentration camps, rising employment numbers are a "trick" that voters shouldn't be fooled by, and Western Civilization itself is on the verge of collapse because the President asked NATO members to start actually paying their dues.

Adding to the Democrats' cockiness about a "Blue Wave" coming to the polls is the knowledge that their party has a deep bench of exciting politicians who youthful, energetic voters naturally gravitate to. This would include swinging hipsters with fresh ideas like Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Maxine Waters, Joe Biden and more!

So really, the only missing piece of the puzzle heading into the mid-terms was for the Democrats to come up with a really great slogan which would not only encapsulate their broad vision for America's future, but also represent a strong call to action for an energized electorate.

And that slogan"For the People."


Not only is it more than a little vague, it's more than a little familiar. In fact, the phrase has been stolen outright from a famous quote by a Republican. Specifically Abraham Lincoln who, in his Gettysburg Address, referred to an ideal government "of the people, by the people, and for the people."

That's a damn good phrase as it stands, so why would the Democrats cut anything out of it? And the answer is they have to because they only believe in one third (or less) of what Honest Abe was espousing.

"Of the people" refers to legislators who are ordinary citizens from many walks of life. People bringing their different experiences together to form a miniaturized representation of the country as a whole. People who intend to return to "real life" after political service, rather than choosing to become a permanent part of a ruling class entirely divided from the peons. "Of the people" was never intended to mean lawyers, millionaires, and sleazy power brokers of the kind that populate the Democratic halls of power. So that part of Lincoln's wisdom had to go.

"By the people" refers to the fact that for a representational government to work, those sent to Washington should be chosen by their fellow citizens in honest elections. But "honest elections" are hardly what the Democrats are looking for. Between Hillary buying the DNC in order to sabotage Bernie Sanders, rampant voter fraud, an ideologically corrupt press, and billion-dollar ad campaigns spreading wild and pernicious lies, it becomes clear that the DNC can't trust a government selected "by the people" to be what they want. So another part of Abe's idiom got the axe.

Which leaves only "For the people" - the vaguest part of the triumvirate as it is entirely subjective, and doesn't so much mean that those in Washington are serving the electorate, but rather ruling them  for their own benighted good.

Put it all together, and you have a party whose politicians are not representative of the American body as a whole, and who are put into office through questionable methods that try to sidestep the annoying meddling of actual American voters. And all so that those Democrats who do become fixtures in the halls of profit and power can do whatever they believe is best "for" the common people whether it helps those people or not.

So we think the Dems have rather missed the mark with this not-so-catchy "new" slogan, and think that truth in advertising demands they instead use the alternative mentioned by Schumer in today's cartoon: same slogan, different f-word.


Peace, quiet, and sweet cooling mud
Assuming that there are no larger-than-usual "end of the world" events next week, we'll be taking time off from Stilton's Place for a little staycation until Monday, July 30.

There's no particular rhyme or reason behind the timing, other than we've got an overabundance of backed up chores to attend to. And what better time to tackle indoor work than late July in Texas, when the grass is smoldering and vultures are actually bursting into flames mid-air? Doing anything in air conditioning is looking pretty sweet right now.

So we'll see you a week from Monday if not before. And as always, we'll be popping into the comments section regularly!

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Much Ado About Trump Thing

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, Trump, Putin, meddling, election, Helsinki, STFU
Sadly, Trump also didn't instigate a nuclear war.
Looking at the most recent news cycle, we feel that our nation has reached a crisis point which requires the services of an exciting new superhero.

When alleged journalists lose their minds about Donald Trump and start screaming and foaming at the mouth, STFUman would suddenly appear with his trusty whiffle bat and thonk, thonk, thonk the hysterical newsperson on the noggin until either sanity or blissful unconsciousness was reached.

He would then dart away in a flash, remove his mask, cover his spandex uniform with street clothes, and slip the whiffle bat into his pant leg to make his escape unnoticed. Except for a really lopsided walk.

If he were available, STFUman would have had his hands full over the last couple of days as everyone on the Left and many on the Right lost their ever-loving minds over President Trump's press conference remarks following his one-on-one meeting with Vladimir Putin.

In a nutshell, and we've never used that phrase more appropriately, Donald Trump didn't turn to Putin during the press conference and call him a dirty, lying bastard who overthrew the 2016 Presidential election. Rather, Trump said that our intelligence services (which have been demonstrably dripping with anti-Trump corruption) have claimed there was Russian meddling, while Putin told him behind closed doors that there wasn't Russian meddling.

Trump then had the apparently treasonous gall to suggest that we try to solve this impasse by looking at actual physical evidence, like the allegedly-hacked DNC computer server which neither the FBI nor any other law enforcement agency has ever even looked at.

This entirely reasonable suggestion basically opened the gates of fake news hell. Subsequent stories declared Trump to be a traitor and tool of Putin, and his press conference appearance was likened to Kristallnacht, the Cuban Missile Crisis, 9/11, and the attack on Pearl Harbor. One congressman even tweeted that it was time for the US military to step up to the plate, presumably to stage a coups d'etat to preserve democracy. Because nothing says "freedom" to Leftists quite like martial law and government at gunpoint.

Lost in all of this cacophony is any discussion of what Trump might have actually said to Putin behind closed doors before presenting a pleasant face for the press. For all we know, Trump told Putin that he'd rip the weasel-faced dictator's leg off and beat him senseless with it if there was even suspicion of Russian meddling in the future.

Trump has since offered a predictably confusing "clarification" of his press conference remarks, which strikes us as unnecessary considering that few outlets were reporting on what he actually said versus what they feverishly fantasized.

Frankly, we think this whole media uproar is another exercise in willful lunacy which is far more damaging to our nation than anything Russia could possibly do. We'd say even more, but we've got a lot of sit-ups to do if we're going to fit into that spandex uniform.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Vlad Tidings

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, putin, helsinki, summit, obama, flexible
"We won't Barry you."
The very idea of President Trump having a summit meeting with Vladimir Putin has thrown the Left into towering paroxysms of rage, terror, and confusion unseen since...well...actually we see them pitch these hysterical hissy fits all the time about pretty much everything, be it gender-binary bathrooms, a cartoon of a vegan-offending egg in a salad emoji, or the terrifying possibility of trade wars raising the price of Chinese-made pussy hats.

The stated fear of those on the Left is that Trump won't have the strength to stand up against Putin, whom they believe to be some sort of mighty warrior commanding the superior economic, technological, and military resources which have made modern day Russia into the White Wakanda. Which ironically has a small element of truth, in that Wakanda is pure fiction, too (but please don't tell this to Progressives - it would break their hearts).

The irony here is that those on the Left seemingly had no problem with Saint Soetoro, just prior to his reelection, whispering (so as not to tip off those pesky American voters) that he would be offering Putin much more "flexibility" (about freaking missile deployment, no less) after the election.

That's the kind of flexibility which is most closely associated with the generous use of KY Jelly, and which was emblematic of Barry's method of "assuming the position" for every "tough guy" state in the world, be it Russia, Iran, North Korea, or a jihadi califate. Not for nothing was his leadership strategy accurately described as "bleeding from behind."

We're also a bit confused by the Left's insistence that Trump can be easily shoved around. Aren't they the ones who've been calling him Hitler since the day he took office?! Say what you will about old Adolf, but he didn't exactly have a reputation for being a pushover in his dealings with Russia or anyone else. But then, those on the Left aren't exactly exalted for their knowledge of history.

Here at Stilton's Place, we're certainly not expecting much positive to come out of the meeting between Trump and Putin, but we're also not expecting to lose anything at all. And after 8 years of Obama, that's still a glorious feeling.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Peter Unprincipled

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, strzok, fbi, trey gowdy, trump, bias, mueller, shit weasel

Things got very contentious yesterday as highly-ranked rogue FBI agent (and wife-cheating sexual hound dog) Peter Strzok was questioned by the House Judiciary Committee about the screamingly obvious political bias he brought to two huge investigations.

In Hillary Clinton's email case, he declared her innocent long before completing the investigation or even interviewing her. In the Trump/Russia case, he decided that Trump was guilty and should be impeached before interviewing a single witness.

Put simply, this one high-powered official basically raped the American electoral system and the integrity of the FBI and is now desperately trying to cover his keister.

Not that he didn't have plenty of help during his questioning. No member of the GOP could get out more than a syllable of questioning before some Democrat nitwit would scream "point of order!" or "objection!" or "Whoohee! The jute mill is exploded!" just to stall the proceedings and keep Strzok from admitting his perfidy.

Sadly, there was no divine intervention of the sort shown in today's cartoon, which rather surprises us. After all, even though lightning is an unwieldy instrument of vengeance, we can't imagine that any collateral damage in Strzok's immediate surroundings would have been much of a loss.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Seals of Approval

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Per the cartoon above, we do expect Brett Kavanaugh to be dragged through Hell and high water before his eventual confirmation as a Supreme Court Justice.

But our real purpose in combining these two stories is to celebrate these two very different but deeply inspiring occurrences. The amazing rescue of a boys soccer team from a nightmarish, water-filled cave renews our hope for mankind in general. Support came from around the world to save these young lives, and the courage and sacrifice of those involved is humbling and awe-inspiring.

We want to make special mention of Sgt. Major Saman Gunan, a 38-year-old retired Thai Navy Seal, who volunteered for the mission and gave his life to save others. He undertook a risk that few others would and, through his efforts, helped enable a miracle.

On a very different note, we found ourselves moved by (a very Presidential) Donald Trump's announcement of Brett Kavanaugh as his nominee for the Supreme Court, and a rundown of this jurist's incredible and accomplished life of service to others.

As far as we can tell, he's an exceptionally good choice for the nation's highest court...and one impossible for the Left and the media to legitimately tar and feather...although those slime-oozing anti-Americans will try their wretched best.

As a case (pun intended) in point, despite Kavanaugh teaching at Harvard (a position for which he was hired by liberal Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan), despite his volunteering for work in inner city schools, despite his championing of women in the workplace, despite his coaching of his daughters' basketball teams, and despite his regularly serving meals in soup kitchens, Democrat sleaze-weasel Terry McAuliffe has tweeted that "the nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh will threaten the lives of millions of Americans." Apparently because somehow in that busy schedule,  Kavanaugh still finds time to commit recreational genocide.

In truth (a word which causes Progressives to writhe and smoke like vampires caught in sunlight) Kavanaugh has an exceptionally distinguished record of strict adherence to the Constitution, with his legal opinions completely unsullied by his personal political beliefs.

According to our nation's founders, that's how the Supreme Court is supposed to work, and we look forward to Judge Kavanaugh's service for a long, long time.

Monday, July 9, 2018

Nom Nom Nom

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Plus, he doesn't even speak English.
Today, President Donald Trump has promised to announce his nominee for the Supreme Court seat being vacated by justice Anthony Kennedy. At the time of this writing, we don't know specifically who that nominee will be - but thanks to the left-leaning media, we have a pretty good idea of what to expect.

Apparently Trump's pick will be rabidly opposed to civil rights, human rights, women's rights, LGBT rights, women's sacred right to puree the unborn, and the right of every human being on Earth to claim asylum and hefty financial support for simply existing in the United States.

In fact, the nominee will - according to all reports - be against civilization and decency in general, and enable Trump to turn the entire planet into a living Hell in which women are enslaved and degraded, and men are forced - under pain of death - to wear ludicrous comb-overs.

Oh sure, there's a small body of thought that Mr. Trump may instead just choose a splendid legal mind who is well-versed in Constitutional law and our nation's founding principles (as he did with his previous pick) but this optimistic view isn't getting a lot of play in the media.

Frankly, we expect to be delighted with Trump's choice no matter who he or she turns out to be. Because after enduring decades of pointless, lying political slogans which had no meaning whatsoever, we now believe that we've got a President whose sole purpose really is to "make America great again.

And we're betting his Supreme Court nominee will prove it.

Then again, he can be unpredictable...

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In fairness, besides being Miss Congeniality she's also Miss Constitutionality!

Friday, July 6, 2018

I Get No Kick from Sham Pain

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Shaken, not cured.
Owing to post-holiday sloth, we're skipping politics today and giving you what will hopefully be the last update in the ongoing adventure of punching ourselves in the face in the course of having multiple (sometimes 50 or more) seizures each night.

Flailing, flailing, over the bounding main!
After weeks of nervous waiting and several annoying tests (including having our head wired up to a mobile EEG recorder for 48 hours) we finally got the neurologist's final diagnosis on Tuesday:

"You're having seizures, but the EEG didn't show anything so it's not epilepsy. Goodbye!"

"Wait, wait! How can that be?"
"Well, you don't have a brain tumor and you don't show unusual EEG activity, so you're just having seizures. Pseudo-seizures, actually. Goodbye!!"

Pseudo-seizures, we've since learned, is an archaic and (theoretically) disused diagnostic term owing to the fact that A) it's inaccurate (it suggests the seizures aren't real - but they are), and B) that it's insulting to the patient...essentially blaming them for having a condition which neurologists don't understand and, therefore, can't make any money out of trying to cure.

The more proper term for what we've got is PNES (which would be a lot funnier if it were pronounced "penis" and we could declare ourself to be the 2018 PNES poster boy). Boringly, it actually stands for Psychogenic Nonepileptic Seizures.

And "Psychogenic" gives you a big hint about how medical science views this unusual and violent phenomenon and its close (albeit still hypothetical) relationship to having an overabundance of night-flying leather-winged mammals in your belfry.

 "You might get relief by seeking extensive psychotherapy," the neurologist hinted while hiding all the sharp objects in the exam room.

"Try relaxing more," she said while backing towards the door. "Listen to music. Learn to paint. Take up gardening!"

You know, pretty much the same advice they gave Lou Gehrig before things went south on him.

Before we could ask another question, our neurologist had fled the room with enough speed you'd think we'd actually flashed our PNES at her.

Fortunately, the intensity of our nightly seizure activity tends to run in cycles, and we're currently enjoying a nice run of some pretty calm nights (anything less than 10 seizures is considered a wobbly walk in the park). Our days are somewhat less calm, because that's when we discover atrocities like the $8,500 bill for questionable services leading to a non-diagnosis.

Theoretically, Medicare will rip that money from the hands of my fellow taxpayers (thanks, guys and gals!) but it's another example of how getting the government involved causes prices to skyrocket WAY beyond what market forces would have charged for all this. Seriously, we could BUY the damn miniature EEG machine and wear it 24/7 for the rest of our life for less than what they're charging for a 2-day rental!

And don't tell us that we wouldn't be able to read the results. Ha! Following our brain scan when all this started, we couldn't get a straight answer out of anybody about what the results showed, so we went to and hired a radiologist in Chile to review our scans (actual price, $35 including a $10 "rush fee.") He assured us that we had no brain tumors, lesions, or aneurysms, and just a little bit of brain atrophy "which is about normal for someone of your age." Especially if they lived through 8 freaking years of Obama.

Anyway, the good news is that this may all just go away on its own (there's genuinely no need for anyone to worry) and it's unlikely to do any damage other than disrupting some sleep. To that end, we just placed an Amazon order for a 25-pound weighted blanket which is said to not only help keep people calm, but also helps keep arms and legs from escaping their confines at night, sneaking out the window, and joining violent street gangs.

Additionally, we will be redoubling our stress-fighting activities, increasing both our daily meditation sessions ("Think of a calm and relaxing place. A long and sandy beach. You hear only the rush of waves, the cry of a seagull, and the occasional "melp! melp!" from the progressives buried several feet under the warm, nurturing sands..."). We'll also be doubling our intake of Clan MacGregor scotch, which could easily cost us an additional $7.50 a week.

Unhappily, the doctor's order to reduce stress also means that we must sadly withdraw our name from further review for President Trump's Supreme Court nomination. But it was an honor and delusion just to be considered.

It's time for PNES sufferers to come out of the closets!


Because we're certifiably not right in the head, we just made this handsome t-shirt available on our Amazon store. Sure to fill your days with exciting and passionately confused comments from complete strangers!

Wednesday, July 4, 2018

Oh Say, Can You See? / 4th of July

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Happy Independence Day from Stilton's Place and the Jarlsberg family!

Monday, July 2, 2018

ICE Scream

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Strident progressive morons (but we repeat ourselves) took to the streets yet again this weekend to demand the abolishment of ICE. Not the kind that tinkles merrily in our glass of scotch when reflecting on current events, but rather the entire US Immigration & Customs Enforcement agency.

The protesters (and their noisy numbers include innumerable celebrities and alleged journalists) have declared that ICE is alternately the Gestapo, a terrorist organization, or the most heinous kidnappers since Bruno Hauptmann snatched the Lindbergh baby.

Technically, none of those things is really part of ICE's charter. So just what is it that these vicious rat bastards actually do?

They direct investigations for the Department of Homeland Security, which seems like a pretty good thing. They help protect national security, which we're in favor of, and they fight transnational gangs - which should please everyone except MS-13 lovers like Nancy Pelosi.

ICE agents are on the often dangerous front lines of fighting the drug trafficking that is ravaging our nation, as well as fighting arms trafficking - which you'd think would have the anti-gun Left doing backflips of gratitude.

Part of ICE's job in the 21st century is addressing cyber crimes, which would seem to benefit every selfie-snapping protester who owns a smartphone. And also on ICE's busy schedule is the war on a much older affront to civilization: child exploitation and human trafficking.

We have to admit that all of those things sound so critically important that we'd hate to see them all be thrown away for nothing. So just what is the tremendous benefit the Left thinks we'd gain by getting rid of ICE?

No more immigration enforcement! Open borders! An unending flood of people wanting benefits which will help force our nation into socialism! Yippee!

In other words, the chanting nimrods in the streets want us to stop fighting terror, allow a free flow of drugs and weapons into the country, and allow women and children to be used as sex slaves, in return for which our nation's borders will essentially cease to exist. And they want this for one very simple reason: they're idiots.

Oh, we suppose "hating Trump" could be considered reason number two, but since the policies the protesters are freaking out about were also those of Saint Obama, we're just going to stick with the "idiots" explanation. It's a fine example of Occam's razor (and as the old saying goes, "Occam if they can't take a joke.")

Frankly, we hope all the ICE protesters exhausted themselves marching and shouting over the weekend. That way, when they're back in their parents' basements nursing their emotional wounds for a few days, the streets will be clear for actual Americans to enjoy their 4th of July parades.

Friday, June 29, 2018

Supreme Irony

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It's a glorious time to be alive.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy is stepping down, meaning that Donald Trump gets to pick another Supreme Court nominee, and those on the Left are having a white-hot thermonuclear meltdown which is more spectacular and beautiful to witness than any sunset...especially since this likely does represent the sun setting on many of their most beloved violations of the Constitution.

Many progressives are especially bereft of hope because, judging on their social media posts, they actually believe that all laws come from the Supreme Court rather than being created by our elected officials (including the ones the Left has been claiming were heading our way in a tsunami-sized "blue wave" in November).

Granted, there's a certain de facto truth to the notion that the Supreme Court has been creating bad law out of thin air through highly (ahem) imaginative interpretations of the Constitution - but we're pretty sure that President Trump is about to slam the brakes on that aberration. Somewhere, the founding fathers are breathing sighs of relief and exchanging high-fives.

Adding to our delight in this turn of events is the chilling knowledge of what could have been and would have been had a certain other presidential candidate weaseled her way into office...

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You KNOW this was on the table...
Like we said, it's a glorious time to be alive.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Hell or High Waters

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Angry rhetoric encouraging Lefties to seek out and harass those with whom they have ideological disagreements has gotten way out of hand.

Things are so bad that following Maxine Waters spittle-flecked demands for mob actions against members of the Trump administration (and presumably Trump voters), that Nancy Pelosi - no stranger to ugly rhetoric herself - had to step up to condemn the Democratic representative's threatening words.

For lack of a better term, we'll call Mad Maxine's law-abusing minions "Lynch Mobs," as a tip of the hat to Loretta Lynch's long stint of corrupting the DOJ along ideological lines. And really, who needs due process these days before attacking those who you don't want sharing your community, your government, your restaurants, or your drinking fountains?

Meanwhile, the mainstream media is doing its level best to clamp down on this dangerous excess of unthinking hatred...
Mike Luckovich won a Pulitzer for drawing brain dead crap like this. Even so, if you see him and his family
 dining in a restaurant please don't pee in his soup. Unless, of course, you can get video.
Only kidding! They're ramping the whole fake situation up by ignoring Trump's many accomplishments while calling him - and us - Nazis, and they won't be satisfied until there's actual blood running in the streets. And they don't care whose blood it is - they'll be able to spin it the way they want (against Trump and against America) no matter who assumes room temperature.

When an entire political party is so out of ideas that they resort to calls for violence, we should all be afraid. Not afraid for ourselves as conservatives, libertarians, or simple patriots (in violent confrontations, pussy hats, placards, and smart phones will prove to be of surprisingly little tactical value in the face of second amendment tools), but rather afraid for our country itself.

No enemy can defeat us from without...but there can be no winning another civil war.

And we are very near the point where law enforcement should be enthusiastically used to curtail the Constitutionally unprotected hate speech that is calling for such. The laws are, after all, already on the books:

        US Code 2101 on Riots:
(a) Whoever travels in interstate or foreign commerce or uses any facility of interstate or foreign commerce, including, but not limited to, the mail, telegraph, telephone, radio, or television, with intent—
(1) to incite a riot; or
(2) to organize, promote, encourage, participate in, or carry on a riot; or
(3) to commit any act of violence in furtherance of a riot; or
(4) to aid or abet any person in inciting or participating in or carrying on a riot or committing any act of violence in furtherance of a riot;
and who either during the course of any such travel or use or thereafter performs or attempts to perform any other overt act for any purpose specified in subparagraph (A), (B), (C), or (D) of this paragraph— [1] Shall be fined under this title, or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.


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But not a lot truer.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Better Fed Than Red

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We can't decide if it was the dumbest or most annoying news story of the weekend (probably both), but social media again went nuts along partisan lines upon hearing that White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders and seven dining companions were thrown out of the Red Hen Restaurant in Lexington, Virginia before being served because the staff and management hate the President and anyone associated with him.

Ms. Sanders (no relation to Colonel Sanders, who has also had his ups and downs with hens) left quietly with her party, wisely deciding that it's better not to make a scene rather than to be served wildly overpriced food containing spit, very personal little curly hairs, and the other bodily effluvia which likely would have tainted their entrees.

While many are criticizing the pussy hat-wearing management of the Red Hen Restaurant (and no, we're not making that up), we would actually like to see more restaurants adopt a similarly candid policy of making a public declaration of their bitter hatred of non-progressives.

Indeed, placing a sign to that effect in the window would help millions of decent, tolerant, patriotic folks avoid these hate-filled eateries. Not to mention avoiding the occasional bout of food poisoning which can be expected from restaurants that actively resist letting jackbooted Nazi-ish government health inspectors inspect their maggot-ridden kitchens.

As always, Sarah Huckabee Sanders - who is a national treasure - handled the inconvenient situation with aplomb and grace. We only hope the owners of the Red Hen Restaurant will do the same when facing their inevitable bankruptcy.

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Friday, June 22, 2018

Separation Anxiety

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Despite President Trump issuing an Executive Order intended to help the families of illegal immigrants stick together while being processed and/or prosecuted, it would appear that our nation's heartbreaking Third Reich Holocaust-style abuse of children is still not at an end.

We know this because of a recently released study which could bring tears to a grown man's eyes. And yes, we're referring to Rachel Maddow.

Specifically, the study showed a small but significant decrease in the number of 18-to-34 year olds who were forced by economic necessity (i.e. the Obamaconomy) to continue living with their parents. As the children are dragged away to become members of the capitalist workforce, bitter tears are being shed.

"I thought, like, my parents needed a court order to make me leave," sobbed one 28-year-old pajama boy, "especially since I'm still being breast fed!"

President Trump, predictably, is unmoved by the children being separated from their parents, and ruthlessly continues to encourage job growth. This despite strong condemnation from Left-leaning leaders like Nancy Pelosi who has said, "You can look and look in the Bible, but you won't find any justification for young Americans taking "the jobs that Americans won't do" away from the undocumented and frequently gang-affiliated immigrants who would do "the jobs that Americans won't do" if Americans weren't doing them. If you don't believe me, then believe Jesus."

Far be it from us to argue theology with an expert like Ms. Pelosi. So we will suggest only that we all take time to pray for the families being ripped asunder by employment, prosperity, and a reawakening sense of self-worth and independence.


Alleged actor Peter Fonda took to Twitter recently to voice his hatred for the First Family, and to encourage kidnapping and pederasty as useful tools for the Left to demonstrate their moral superiority to the Deplorables in our nation.

Here's what he tweeted:

The First Lady has subsequently asked the Secret Service to investigate Mr. Fonda, not only because of the appalling nature of his threats, but because most movie fans have been convinced that the actor died years ago, along with his career.

Not that he didn't have one good scene in the only memorable movie he was ever in. Specifically, this scene:

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Even more enjoyable when viewed on a continuous loop!
Seriously (which we aren't very often), Fonda's rhetoric - which he has since apologized for - goes way too far and should not fall under the province of protected speech. He is calling for violence against the First Family and, specifically, the violent rape of a child. Because he's so sensitive and enlightened, you see.

Even worse, he's making this call to action to his thousands of followers, any one of whom might decide to implement it. Especially since Peter Fonda can't possibly have any followers who are, as we say in the psychological field, "right in the head."

How could they be, when exposed to a regular diet of Fonda's other sociopathic tweets like this one about our nation's Director of Homeland Security:

For those blissfully unfamiliar with the term, "gash" is an obscene reference to female genitalia, and is considered to be even uglier, more unacceptable, and more sexually demeaning than Samantha Bee's "c-word" description of our First Lady.

It is a word so foul, fetid, and unforgivable that we would personally never use it about any woman.

Except, of course, Jane Fonda.


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We were just finishing today's post when we got word that Fox News contributor (and so very much more) Dr. Charles Krauthammer has died of cancer. Little more than a month ago, he and we believed that he would be returning to the airways after an extended illness - at a time when his wit, wisdom, encyclopedic knowledge, and stunning gifts of insight and analysis were so desperately needed.

It didn't work out that way. Not quite two weeks ago, he wrote an eloquent and moving public letter to let everyone know that his cancer had returned and his battle was at an end. Sadly, he was right.

We can't express the sense of personal loss we're feeling right now. For years, we hung on Dr. Krauthammer's every word - not necessarily agreeing with everything he said, but recognizing the intellectual honesty and integrity which demanded that we take him seriously and, when necessary, reexamine our own opinions.

Besides his remarkable academic gifts, Charles Krauthammer could make us laugh, loudly and frequently. And he radiated a strength and positivity about life, despite facing and overcoming enormous personal obstacles, which was nothing less than inspirational.

His passing is a huge loss for our country, our culture, and to our lives. We are grateful for the time he shared with all of us, and wish there could have been so much more.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

The 5000 Fingers of President T

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"And be careful with those Little Hands hats!"
Sea levels are rising dramatically owing to the outpouring of Liberal tears over the evil President T's continuing abduction of immigrant children as they cross America's southern border.

Once separated from their families, the weeping waifs are forced to pound out patriotic songs on the White House "500 Kid Piano" - every key of which was made with endangered elephant ivory - while President T waves his baton and screams that the children have to play "bigly" if they ever hope to see their parents again.

Okay, that's not really what Trump is doing, although it's as true as what you're likely to hear from the mainstream media these days. What we were describing was Dr. Seuss's fever dream of a kid's movie, "The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T," about which there are two cinematic schools of thought: those who think it's one of the greatest films ever, and those who wouldn't know a great film if it bit them in their piano bench region.

But returning (reluctantly) to reality, Leftists and other soft-headed types are having absolute conniption fits over President Trump's brand new policy of temporarily separating kids from their families when they enter the country illegally. And when we say "brand new policy," we mean exactly the same policy which has been law since champion-of-the-children Bill "Pedophile Island" Clinton was president. Certainly, Barack Obama made major use of the policy, albeit without a peep of complaint from the mainstream media.

The separations occur only after illegal border crossings (i.e. not when people come to an actual American port of entry and make a simple asylum claim) and are done in part to give social services time to ascertain whether the kids are actually traveling with a parent, or simply being dragged over the border by an MS-13 gang member who transports minors for sex trafficking.

Despite what cynical liars like Hillary Clinton say in their self-serving fundraising letters, the kids are not kept in cages, ripped from the arms of breastfeeding mothers, or mistreated in any way. And come to think of it, wasn't it Hillary F. Clinton who claimed, "it takes a village" (i.e. the government) to raise kids rather than actual parents?!

The "news" media and equally laughable social media are treating this as an ongoing repeat of the Holocaust (no, really - they've played that card) rather than the continuing implementation of decades' old policy. And among their favorite tools are memes showing pitiful children in cages, like this one:

The problem is that this photo is staged, and the poor kid is actually inside a cage because he was put there by a bunch of loudmouthed anti-border protesters (who are the other people carefully cropped out of the photo). 

We don't really want to add to the flood of fake news, but if the Left wants to make false claims about this picture, why shouldn't we make even better false claims...?

Seriously, wouldn't it be fun to see this go viral?
Feel free to post this meme anywhere it might offend or confuse a Leftist. And in the meanwhile, don't worry too much about what's happening to those unfortunate children whose parents are using them to skirt American law. As The Who once sang, the kids are alright.