Monday, May 20, 2019
With the announcement that Bill "The Worst Mayor in America" De Blasio has thrown his hat into the badly overstretched ring, there are now 24 Democrats vying to become the next presidential candidate to be beaten by Donald Trump like a fluffy egg white meringue atop a Loser Lemon pie.
Frankly, we can't wait for these clowns to take the debate stage and hear how they struggle to differentiate their policy positions from each other. After all, they pretty much all want the same things: higher taxes, more government control, socialism that will actually work for the first time ever, "Medicare for all," reparations for slavery, freedom to abort babies who start to get annoying after a year or two, a "living wage" for jobs which can be done by three-toed sloths, the banning of guns and other things that "look scary," the repeal of Free Speech, replacing coal and oil with clean and affordable imaginary energy sources, official ratification that there are 732 different genders whose dignity demands that they all need different bathrooms and glory holes and, most importantly, all of the candidates are promising to feed Donald Trump into a wood chipper feet first so that everyone on the Left can enjoy the expression on his face.
With all of this policy overlap, some of the candidates are having to stake out very narrow niche positions just to get noticed. Bernie Sanders has recently announced that he'll make Larry David his vice president, so that any succession of power would be undetectable by the naked eye. Beto O'Rourke promises to be a strong advocate for Irish people who believe themselves to be Hispanic.
Cory "Spartacus" Booker has promised that, if elected, he will serve his entire term dressed as a gladiator. Joe Biden is breaking from the pack by making it clear that no one hates old white men who have been in Washington forever more than he does.
Elizabeth Warren expects to pick up momentum with her catchy slogan: "A Slightly Less Annoying Hillary." And of course, Kamala Harris is separating herself from the pack by pointing out that none of her worthy competitors has nearly as much experience blowing Willie Brown.
Democrats, this is your circus and these are your monkeys. The rest of us are just going to pour some stiff drinks and enjoy the really big show.
Friday, May 17, 2019
Hang on, everyone, this is going to be a chaotic ride today! See, we're actually too exhausted and frustrated to do a proper post about Alabama's abortion laws, possible impending war with Iran, the unbridled idiocy of adding an "adversity score" to SAT results, or the Democrats doing a marathon session to read the entire Mueller Report out loud (for reasons we can't even begin to fathom, although it is fun watching them try to sound out the polysyllabic words).
The cause of our distraction and dysfunction relates to a visit that the Jarlsberg family paid to the local Social Security office today. By way of backstory, Stilton isn't taking Social Security yet (though he's old enough and has paid tens of thousands of dollars into the freaking system) but theoretically, according to our new paid financial advisor, Mrs. J could claim a social security spousal benefit anyway (she doesn't qualify based on her own work record, because it was for a government agency with a separate retirement plan).
So we conveniently filed her claim online, and it was only a week or so later that we received a letter saying that Mrs. J had to call someone at the Social Security office. It took her three attempts before anyone bothered to call back, at which point she was told that she had to report to a crowded field office because she'd been flagged as a possible fraud. Swell.
So today was the big day, and the Jarlsbergs showed up at the packed United Nations-style waiting room (side note: apparently America's melting pot has been supplanted by cold cash) where a nice police officer frequently had to tell everyone to shut the heck up so that the old, infirm, and foreigners could hear the service numbers which were occasionally called through what sounded like a big electric kazoo. It was like being in the hold of a slaving ship, only with passengers playing with their smartphones.
Fortunately we had an actual appointment, meaning we only had to wait with the great unwashed for two and a half hours before being called in. And from there, everything was easy! It only took the charming and personable clerk five minutes to explain that our claim was rejected and that Mrs. J can't get any social security payments until her workaholic husband also signs on as a ward of the state. She did not tell us to "piss up a rope," "screw ourselves," or "take a flying f*ck at a rolling donut," though we're pretty sure these notions were implied.
Since Social Security knew from the initial application that they were going to deny the claim, why didn't they just put THAT in the letter, rather than ordering us to come in and waste hours of our time? Oh yeah, because they had to complete their investigation of the whole "fraud" thing - the accusation of which, it turns out, is randomly assigned by a computer to provide maximum annoyance. To put Mrs. J right in the eyes of God and country, we were told to bring birth certificates, marriage licenses, name change documents, multiple forms of identification, fingerprints, DNA cheek swabs, and about 10 pounds of other documentation.
Our clerk started the interrogation by asking for Mrs. J's driver's license, which she tap-tap-tapped into a database. "Okay," she smiled, "you're all done." We asked about all the other things our Sherpa had struggled to carry in, and she said, "Oh no, we don't need any of that."
So we were free to go, claim denied, but with the renewed confidence of knowing that seamless proof of citizenship and identity can apparently be established by a minor functionary's quick glance at a driver's license.
While the entire experience was only a bit over 3 hours, the soul-sapping nature of the visit (and the unsatisfying outcome) has left us drained and discouraged.
We have seen the future, and it doesn't work worth a damn.
PS: The only thing we enjoyed about the visit to this gulag was seeing framed photos of Donald Trump and Mike Pence on the wall, and guessing how many people who were there to claim our tax dollars were annoyed by pictures of our President and Vice President.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
|In a perfect world, this would be the cast of "The View."|
Which is why we asked the ladies above what kind of investigation they'd like to see now that Attorney General William Barr has hired US attorney John Durham to look into possible (ha!) corruption and illegal actions associated with the specious multi-agency "Russian investigation" of President Donald Trump.
Durham is said to be tough, fair, and non-ideological...and a guy who believes in the rule of law. Which could translate into a lot of fun for those of us who've been waiting (seemingly forever) to see some of the smug, lying SOB's on the Left forced to testify under oath and, oh yeah, get long prison sentences.
We can already see friction being generated between some of the major players (including former FBI-director James Comey, former CIA director John Brennan, and former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper) who all seem increasingly likely to turn on one another. Which isn't surprising considering that charges are likely to range from gross malfeasance to treason.
In any event, like the strong, independent women pictured above, we look forward to seeing the investigation proceed with considerable vigor and full revelation. Or at least as much revelation as our panelists are displaying.
Monday, May 13, 2019
FROM THE VAULT: THE M-WORD
We're giving ourself Mother's Day off, but rather than leave you with an empty plate (which NO good mother would do!) we're dishing up a little fun from a few years ago. Check it out - then stay for today's special Happy Birthday salute!-------------
Rather than dwell on the unpleasantness of current news, Hope n' Change would like to take this opportunity to reflect on Mother's Day (the most sacred of all Hallmark holidays). And who better exemplifies all things maternal than Hillary Clinton?
Sure, she once denigrated women who do things like staying home and baking cookies for their families. And she humiliated her young daughter during the White House years by dragging her around as a prop to pose with her cheating, DNA-spewing dog of a husband. And she underpays her female staffers who may themselves be moms.
But Hillary has a soft, sentimental motherly side, too!
Although you'll just have to take her word for it since - by her own proud declaration - she decided to erase every email and computer document related to her daughter's wedding, the birth of her first grandchild, and her own mother's final months of life and memorial service.
Come to think of it, Hillary doesn't exemplify anything good about Mother's Day. But maybe our current first lady does...
Still, Hope n' Change thinks the world of most mothers and wishes them all the best this Sunday. And while their love and lessons last forever, sadly, our mothers themselves are here for all too short a time. Be sure to hug 'em if you got 'em.
BONUS (May 13, 2019): HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JIM HLAVAC!
Jim Hlavac has been appearing in the comments section since back in the Hope n' Change days, always with interesting and provocative viewpoints. He is an artist, a musical composer, a writer of multiple books, and among his long list of accomplishments is remaking Louisiana (years ago) by single-handedly introducing various kinds of Cajun foods and spices to the rest of the barely civilized world.
That's only scratching the surface of his many and varied careers, so we hope you'll join us in wishing Mr. Hlavac a very Happy Birthday!
Friday, May 10, 2019
Let's get this out of the way up front: today's post is about venting and being pissed off. There won't be anything particularly valuable to learn, and whatever occasional laughs may occur will be the kind that you wouldn't want to hear in the dark. Think Joaquin Phoenix's upcoming version of "The Joker."
We already weren't having a great day. There was a regularly scheduled doctor's check-up, and at a certain age such check-ups are really about determining whether you're dying quickly or slowly (still slowly in our own case). The conversations go like this:
Patient: I have this symptom.
Doctor: We can't do much about that but it probably won't kill you.
Patient: I also have this symptom.
Doctor: We can't do much about that but it probably won't kill you.
Patient: I also have this symptom.
Doctor: (Long, thoughtful pause) You should see a specialist.
We spoke to the doctor about our year-long affliction with Stilton's Palsy (spastic shaking and jerking at night, and occasionally during the day when encountering stress) and mutually determined that medical options are pretty much at an end, so it will just be an embarrassingly kinetic part of our existence from now on, and a good reason to stay out of expensive china stores. But that's not what pissed us off.
Listening to the news on the way home from the medical visit, we heard all the stories in which Democrats are now claiming that the country is in a "Constitutional Crisis" because Attorney General Barr has been declared to be in "contempt of congress" for not breaking federal law when they ordered him to. Seriously, Barr has already released every iota of the stupid Mueller report which the law (created by Congress) allows, but the Dems and their media fluffers are screaming "high crimes and misdemeanors!" Which, and we can't emphasize this strongly enough, is no reason to line them all up against a wall without benefit of a fair, if exceedingly brief, trial. But that's not what pissed us off today, either.
No, the final straw was delivered by the US Mail (a subsidiary of Amazon.com) - a letter from the IRS explaining that we were invited to be guest of honor at a massive ass-raping.
Had we underpaid our taxes? Nope - not by a penny! Had we ignored our taxes entirely like Al Sharpton and countless others who run up millions in tax debt with no one giving a good goddamn? Nope - we'd never missed a payment. But apparently we had run afoul of (warning: cover the children's ears, and STOP READING NOW if you have a heart condition!) the infamous 5500 form.
What's that? You never heard of the 5500 form? Well that's because the IRS does their best to keep anyone from hearing about it. Essentially, the 5500 form is for schmucks like us who have created our own retirement plans to avoid leeching off the taxpayers (as well as not trusting the government to be able to pay back all the money we've paid into Social Security).
Once a year, we have to fill out the 5500 form to show how much money was in our retirement account at the beginning of the year, and at the end of the year. That's it. A basic information form. Simple, right?
Of course, you don't file it with your regular taxes - because THAT would be too easy to remember. No, you file it "no later than the last day of the seventh month following the end of your selected fiscal year." And does the IRS send you the 5500 form to fill out? No, they do not - nor do they send a reminder. So do you print out the 5500 form online and send it? Don't be stupid! You can print it out, but it won't be accepted unless it's been printed on official IRS magic paper™which requires you to contact the IRS by phone and, after an interminable wait, request that they send you the form to fill out. And until recently, you also had to request a separate form that goes in the same envelope as the form 5500 and says, with God as our witness, that "the other piece of paper in this envelope is a form 5500."
Okay, got it? Well, there was some personal turmoil going on in our life around the last day of the seventh month following the end of our personally selected fiscal year and we apparently forgot to send the form in. As tax time (early 2018) approached, we couldn't find proof that we'd mailed in the 2017 5500 form the previous July, so got a blank form, filled it out in about 60 seconds, and sent it in.
The IRS, appreciative of this non-Sharpton-like behavior, then sent us a letter today saying that the fine for being late in sending this purely informational form will be $5,300.
Again, that's not for missing any tax payments, engaging in fraud, or hiding anything. It's basically $1000 a month for the boring nearly-secret form being a bit late.
We'll try to appeal, of course, encouraged by the sense of empathy, compassion, and fair play for which the IRS is famous (our caseworker is someone named Lois Lerner) and if we have to pay up, well, we'll just do our level best to milk the government for every cent we can pull out of them via benefit programs.
Not that this will necessarily be easy. Next week, the Jarlsbergs are scheduled to meet with Social Security following Mrs. J's application for benefits. Apparently she's been flagged as a possible fraud, and further interrogation will be required. No doubt by Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, Adam Schiff, and Jerry "Tweedledee" Nadler.
And the horses they rode in on.
|With that IRS fine, we could have bought 331 jugs of this.|
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Since the news already makes us feel like we're living in The Twilight Zone, we're turning over today's commentary to The Mystic Seer, who made a notable appearance on Rod Serling's show in which the demonic machine predicted (or perhaps caused) future events in return for a penny - dispensing small cards with the often cryptic answers to increasingly disturbing yes-or-no questions.
That's credibility enough for us! So after getting change for a bright, shiny dime, here are the ten questions we asked The Mystic Seer...
Q: Is Biden's 32 point lead over Bernie Sanders accurate?
Mystic Seer: I fail to give a damn, but thanks for the penny.
Q: Does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez really not know what a garbage disposal is?
Mystic Seer: The answer is unclear. Try telling her it's a fingernail clipper.
Q: Mayor Pete Buttigieg says America was never great. Is he right?
Mystic Seer: One sees little with his head up his ass. Or anyone else's.
Q: 57% of Democrats believe Trump is guilty of treason. Can their minds be changed?
Mystic Seer: You can't change what doesn't exist.
Q: Is Iran behind the recent rocket attacks on Israel?
Mystic Seer: Was a giant pallet of cash and free rein on nuclear weapons' development bad U.S. policy?
Q: Will we ever hear from Stormy Daniels again?
Mystic Seer: Perhaps in a dark alley.
Q: What will be the prison nickname for James Comey?
Mystic Seer: That's not a yes-or-no question, but his nickname will rhyme with "Gummi."
Q: If you know all the answers, could you beat James Holzhauer on "Jeopardy?"
Mystic Seer: Yes, like a red-headed stepchild.
Q: Will Donald Trump ever be successfully impeached?
Mystic Seer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No.
Q: Have you seen "Avengers: Endgame" yet?
Mystic Seer: I again fail to give a damn, but thanks for your last penny.
And as always, the Mystic Seer was right! Also, in case it wasn't already screamingly obvious, there was nothing in the news we wanted to talk about today but we just can't stand presenting you with a blank page and a shrug of the shoulders. So feel free to jumpstart some scintillating conversation in the comments. Favorite Twilight Zone episodes, anyone...?
|This one still scares the living crap out of us. Really.|
Monday, May 6, 2019
We believe that those on the Left are about to get one heck of a wake-up call courtesy of Attorney General Barr, and the soon-to-be-released report detailing DOJ Inspector Michael Horowitz's investigation of the unethical and illegal tactics used to spy on, and frame, Donald Trump. Legally speaking, we could be looking at a tsunami which will sweep away the biggest political players on the Left.
But the mainstream media is doing very little to cushion the coming blow for their gullible audience members. As a case in point, we were stopped dead in our tracks upon encountering this headline from the Associated Press: "Fines, jail time? Trump team resists oversight, Dems dig in."
Okay, first things first - the Trump team isn't resisting oversight, it's resisting overthrow. But back to the ludicrous article which is a not-so-funhouse mirror version of what's really going on...
WASHINGTON, AP - They're talking at the Capitol about jailing people. Imposing steep fines. All sorts of extraordinary, if long-shot measures to force the White House to comply with Democratic lawmakers' request for information about President Donald Trump stemming from the special counsel's Russia investigation.
"When the president denies the Congress documents and access to key witnesses, basically what they're doing is saying, Congress you don't count," according to Rep. Elijah Cummings. "We simply cannot have a presidency that is run as if it were a king or a dictator in charge."
The article then details the draconian measures Democrats are planning to further obstruct justice by filing contempt of Congress motions against Barr, and threatening to lock Trump staffers up in a super-secret "Capitol Prison," despite repeated denials from the House and Senate that such a spiderweb-filled, subterranean dungeon actually exists. Because that's the level of insanity currently in play.
And so we come back to the red pill and the blue pill that those on the Left will soon have to choose from. They may find the red one hard to swallow...but it's going to be a lot easier on them than the alternative.
ALSO IN THE NEWS: HIGHWAY TO HELL
|The road is, of course, half-blacktop.|
Mind you, none of the road is new or upgraded (or as Barry would say, "You didn't build that"), as that would have required actual shovel-ready jobs to be performed, which was forbidden by California's "Department of Irony Suppression."
Instead, shiny new street signs were posted, carefully handcrafted by the prison inmates whom Democrats hope to have voting again (and again and again) in time for the 2020 elections.
Friday, May 3, 2019
Oscar Wilde was not a man you wanted on your bad side. A man of great intellect, piercing wit, and the gift of absolutely devastating quips, Wilde could eviscerate his opponents and critics using only his razor-sharp tongue.
Still, when Wilde was confronted by braying trolls who were mentally unequipped to appreciate the subtleties of his scathing rhetoric, we'd like to imagine that he would instead wait for the buffoons in a darkened alley with a nail-studded truncheon and give them a sound thrashing about the head and shoulders to more effectively point out the errors in their blighted logic.
And this is the position we find ourselves in today, at least rhetorically. Because after watching what the Senate Democrats did on Wednesday to Attorney General Barr, a good and honorable man, we find ourselves without much of a sense of humor today. Our thoughts are instead drifting towards more kinetic and unconventional procedures for restoring something like decorum, dignity, and common decency to the Grand Guignol proceedings in Washington.
"Questioners" (who had very few actual questions, but a lot of unsubstantiated accusations and insults) included presidential wannabees like Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, as well as some
ilio wahine from Hawaii whose only conceivable public service to the people of her stinking, socialist island would involve appeasing the volcano gods with a personal sacrifice. And yes, she's old - but based on her appearance and personality, we're guessing that she still meets the one mandatory requirement for the job (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).
See, we're still trying to joke here...but what we really feel is an all-consuming anger at these smug and morally vacuous liars and hypocrites. These are people who are still - STILL - trying to pull off a Presidential coup d'etat in the United States of America. Which isn't something that any of us should take lightly...or forgivingly.
It is our great hope that Attorney General Barr, who endured the appalling partisan abuse with great poise and intelligence, will use this despicable incident to stoke his own internal fires...the ones whose flames will soon be roaring under the feet of many in the Obama administration, the Clinton circle, and the traitorous intelligence agencies that did their best to end our nation's democracy.
All of them need to be brought to trial by Mr. Barr. And after due process has been carried out and verdicts reached, appropriate punishment must be meted out. Even if, per today's cartoon, what's "appropriate" may involve bringing back some historical methodologies which lacked subtlety, but clearly demonstrated that treason is not a game you want to play and lose.
BONUS: DEMOCRAT HOUSE MEMBER TOTALLY EATS IT
But it made us wonder, where would an obvious moron get such an idea...?
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Up until now, we haven't really taken Gropin' Joe Biden's presidential campaign seriously, but now that we've heard his new slogan...well...we still can't take him seriously.
Best known for fondling and shnuzzling women and children, Biden announced on ABC's "Good Morning America" that his motto will be "Make America Moral Again." Which, admittedly, he can make a lot of progress on just by handcuffing his meaty paws to his belt for the next few months.
Biden also said that "unity" would be one of the three "major prongs" of his campaign. When added to "morality," that leaves his third major prong somewhat of a mystery - but we're not about to ask him about it, for fear of getting stung by the infamous "one eared elephant" trick he likes to pull on little girls.
And speaking of the fairer sex...
The young Somali-American model from (surprise!) Minnesota is unquestionably attractive, and her colorful outfits are appealing even if entirely impractical for anything remotely like swimming. Which perhaps explains why she's photographed frollicking in an inch of water like a flopping fish...
We understand and even support the idea of inclusiveness, but find this particular example to be an uncomfortable hypocrisy. It's hard to interpret the hijab and burkini as anything other than condemnations of the stone-worthy women who are modeling more revealing swimsuits.
Plus, Sports Illustrated could work with we cultural troglodytes at least a little; in explaining their editorial decision, they say "we strive to continue to spread the message that whether you are wearing a one-piece, a two-piece, or a burkini, you are the pilot of your own beauty."
Post 9/11, they just might want to go easy on the "pilot" metaphors.