Monday, May 20, 2019

Our Crap Runneth Over

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With the announcement that Bill "The Worst Mayor in America" De Blasio has thrown his hat into the badly overstretched ring, there are now 24 Democrats vying to become the next presidential candidate to be beaten by Donald Trump like a fluffy egg white meringue atop a Loser Lemon pie.

Frankly, we can't wait for these clowns to take the debate stage and hear how they struggle to differentiate their policy positions from each other. After all, they pretty much all want the same things: higher taxes, more government control, socialism that will actually work for the first time ever, "Medicare for all," reparations for slavery, freedom to abort babies who start to get annoying after a year or two, a "living wage" for jobs which can be done by three-toed sloths, the banning of guns and other things that "look scary," the repeal of Free Speech, replacing coal and oil with clean and affordable imaginary energy sources, official ratification that there are 732 different genders whose dignity demands that they all need different bathrooms and glory holes and, most importantly, all of the candidates are promising to feed Donald Trump into a wood chipper feet first so that everyone on the Left can enjoy the expression on his face.

With all of this policy overlap, some of the candidates are having to stake out very narrow niche positions just to get noticed. Bernie Sanders has recently announced that he'll make Larry David his vice president, so that any succession of power would be undetectable by the naked eye. Beto O'Rourke promises to be a strong advocate for Irish people who believe themselves to be Hispanic.

Cory "Spartacus" Booker has promised that, if elected, he will serve his entire term dressed as a gladiator. Joe Biden is breaking from the pack by making it clear that no one hates old white men who have been in Washington forever more than he does.

Elizabeth Warren expects to pick up momentum with her catchy slogan: "A Slightly Less Annoying Hillary." And of course, Kamala Harris is separating herself from the pack by pointing out that none of her worthy competitors has nearly as much experience blowing Willie Brown.

Democrats, this is your circus and these are your monkeys. The rest of us are just going to pour some stiff drinks and enjoy the really big show.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Unsociable Security

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, social security, financial advisor, spousal benefits

Hang on, everyone, this is going to be a chaotic ride today! See, we're actually too exhausted and frustrated to do a proper post about Alabama's abortion laws, possible impending war with Iran, the unbridled idiocy of adding an "adversity score" to SAT results, or the Democrats doing a marathon session to read the entire Mueller Report out loud (for reasons we can't even begin to fathom, although it is fun watching them try to sound out the polysyllabic words).

The cause of our distraction and dysfunction relates to a visit that the Jarlsberg family paid to the local Social Security office today. By way of backstory, Stilton isn't taking Social Security yet (though he's old enough and has paid tens of thousands of dollars into the freaking system) but theoretically, according to our new paid financial advisor, Mrs. J could claim a social security spousal benefit anyway (she doesn't qualify based on her own work record, because it was for a government agency with a separate retirement plan).

So we conveniently filed her claim online, and it was only a week or so later that we received a letter saying that Mrs. J had to call someone at the Social Security office. It took her three attempts before anyone bothered to call back, at which point she was told that she had to report to a crowded field office because she'd been flagged as a possible fraud. Swell.

So today was the big day, and the Jarlsbergs showed up at the packed United Nations-style waiting room (side note: apparently America's melting pot has been supplanted by cold cash) where a nice police officer frequently had to tell everyone to shut the heck up so that the old, infirm, and foreigners could hear the service numbers which were occasionally called through what sounded like a big electric kazoo. It was like being in the hold of a slaving ship, only with passengers playing with their smartphones.

Fortunately we had an actual appointment, meaning we only had to wait with the great unwashed for two and a half hours before being called in. And from there, everything was easy! It only took the charming and personable clerk five minutes to explain that our claim was rejected and that Mrs. J can't get any social security payments until her workaholic husband also signs on as a ward of the state. She did not tell us to "piss up a rope," "screw ourselves," or "take a flying f*ck at a rolling donut," though we're pretty sure these notions were implied.

Since Social Security knew from the initial application that they were going to deny the claim, why didn't they just put THAT in the letter, rather than ordering us to come in and waste hours of our time? Oh yeah, because they had to complete their investigation of the whole "fraud" thing - the accusation of which, it turns out, is randomly assigned by a computer to provide maximum annoyance. To put Mrs. J right in the eyes of God and country, we were told to bring birth certificates, marriage licenses, name change documents, multiple forms of identification, fingerprints, DNA cheek swabs, and about 10 pounds of other documentation.

Our clerk started the interrogation by asking for Mrs. J's driver's license, which she tap-tap-tapped into a database. "Okay," she smiled, "you're all done." We asked about all the other things our Sherpa had struggled to carry in, and she said, "Oh no, we don't need any of that."

So we were free to go, claim denied, but with the renewed confidence of knowing that seamless proof of citizenship and identity can apparently be established by a minor functionary's quick glance at a driver's license.

While the entire experience was only a bit over 3 hours, the soul-sapping nature of the visit (and the unsatisfying outcome) has left us drained and discouraged.

We have seen the future, and it doesn't work worth a damn.

PS: The only thing we enjoyed about the visit to this gulag was seeing framed photos of Donald Trump and Mike Pence on the wall, and guessing how many people who were there to claim our tax dollars were annoyed by pictures of our President and Vice President.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Staying Abreast of the News

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, bikini, babes, barr, investigation, trump, comey, treason, coup
In a perfect world, this would be the cast of "The View."
Owing to the fact that Stilton's Place is a "woke" site (at least, after a couple of cups of black coffee in the morning), we like to occasionally showcase the opinions of those who self-identify as women without much clothing. Clothing, of course, being one of the worst exemplars of easily spotted income inequality.

Which is why we asked the ladies above what kind of investigation they'd like to see now that Attorney General William Barr has hired US attorney John Durham to look into possible (ha!) corruption and illegal actions associated with the specious multi-agency "Russian investigation" of President Donald Trump.

Durham is said to be tough, fair, and non-ideological...and a guy who believes in the rule of law. Which could translate into a lot of fun for those of us who've been waiting (seemingly forever) to see some of the smug, lying SOB's on the Left forced to testify under oath and, oh yeah, get long prison sentences.

We can already see friction being generated between some of the major players (including former FBI-director James Comey, former CIA director John Brennan, and former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper) who all seem increasingly likely to turn on one another. Which isn't surprising considering that charges are likely to range from gross malfeasance to treason.

In any event, like the strong, independent women pictured above, we look forward to seeing the investigation proceed with considerable vigor and full revelation. Or at least as much revelation as our panelists are displaying.

Monday, May 13, 2019

The M-Word


We're giving ourself Mother's Day off, but rather than leave you with an empty plate (which NO good mother would do!) we're dishing up a little fun from a few years ago. Check it out - then stay for today's special Happy Birthday salute!

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Rather than dwell on the unpleasantness of current news, Hope n' Change would like to take this opportunity to reflect on Mother's Day (the most sacred of all Hallmark holidays). And who better exemplifies all things maternal than Hillary Clinton?

Sure, she once denigrated women who do things like staying home and baking cookies for their families. And she humiliated her young daughter during the White House years by dragging her around as a prop to pose with her cheating, DNA-spewing dog of a husband. And she underpays her female staffers who may themselves be moms.

But Hillary has a soft, sentimental motherly side, too!

Although you'll just have to take her word for it since - by her own proud declaration - she decided to erase every email and computer document related to her daughter's wedding, the birth of her first grandchild, and her own mother's final months of life and memorial service.

Come to think of it, Hillary doesn't exemplify anything good about Mother's Day. But maybe our current first lady does...

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Then again, maybe not.

Still, Hope n' Change thinks the world of most mothers and wishes them all the best this Sunday.  And while their love and lessons last forever, sadly, our mothers themselves are here for all too short a time. Be sure to hug 'em if you got 'em.


Jim Hlavac has been appearing in the comments section since back in the Hope n' Change days, always with interesting and provocative viewpoints. He is an artist, a musical composer, a writer of multiple books, and among his long list of accomplishments is remaking Louisiana (years ago) by single-handedly introducing various kinds of Cajun foods and spices to the rest of the barely civilized world.

That's only scratching the surface of his many and varied careers, so we hope you'll join us in wishing Mr. Hlavac a very Happy Birthday!

Friday, May 10, 2019

Chain Mail

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, 5500, form, IRS, ass fucked, just kill me, motherfuckers, democrats, sweet merciful jesus

Let's get this out of the way up front: today's post is about venting and being pissed off. There won't be anything particularly valuable to learn, and whatever occasional laughs may occur will be the kind that you wouldn't want to hear in the dark. Think Joaquin Phoenix's upcoming version of "The Joker."

We already weren't having a great day. There was a regularly scheduled doctor's check-up, and at a certain age such check-ups are really about determining whether you're dying quickly or slowly (still slowly in our own case). The conversations go like this:

Patient: I have this symptom.
Doctor: We can't do much about that but it probably won't kill you.
Patient: I also have this symptom.
Doctor: We can't do much about that but it probably won't kill you.
Patient: I also have this symptom.
Doctor: (Long, thoughtful pause) You should see a specialist.

We spoke to the doctor about our year-long affliction with Stilton's Palsy (spastic shaking and jerking at night, and occasionally during the day when encountering stress) and mutually determined that medical options are pretty much at an end, so it will just be an embarrassingly kinetic part of our existence from now on, and a good reason to stay out of expensive china stores. But that's not what pissed us off.

Listening to the news on the way home from the medical visit, we heard all the stories in which Democrats are now claiming that the country is in a "Constitutional Crisis" because Attorney General Barr has been declared to be in "contempt of congress" for not breaking federal law when they ordered him to. Seriously, Barr has already released every iota of the stupid Mueller report which the law (created by Congress) allows, but the Dems and their media fluffers are screaming "high crimes and misdemeanors!" Which, and we can't emphasize this strongly enough, is no reason to line them all up against a wall without benefit of a fair, if exceedingly brief, trial. But that's not what pissed us off today, either.

No, the final straw was delivered by the US Mail (a subsidiary of - a letter from the IRS explaining that we were invited to be guest of honor at a massive ass-raping.

Had we underpaid our taxes? Nope - not by a penny! Had we ignored our taxes entirely like Al Sharpton and countless others who run up millions in tax debt with no one giving a good goddamn? Nope - we'd never missed a payment. But apparently we had run afoul of (warning: cover the children's ears, and STOP READING NOW if you have a heart condition!) the infamous 5500 form.

What's that? You never heard of the 5500 form? Well that's because the IRS does their best to keep anyone from hearing about it. Essentially, the 5500 form is for schmucks like us who have created our own retirement plans to avoid leeching off the taxpayers (as well as not trusting the government to be able to pay back all the money we've paid into Social Security).

Once a year, we have to fill out the 5500 form to show how much money was in our retirement account at the beginning of the year, and at the end of the year. That's it. A basic information form. Simple, right?

Of course, you don't file it with your regular taxes - because THAT would be too easy to remember. No, you file it "no later than the last day of the seventh month following the end of your selected fiscal year." And does the IRS send you the 5500 form to fill out? No, they do not - nor do they send a reminder. So do you print out the 5500 form online and send it? Don't be stupid! You can print it out, but it won't be accepted unless it's been printed on official IRS magic paper™which requires you to contact the IRS by phone and, after an interminable wait, request that they send you the form to fill out. And until recently, you also had to request a separate form that goes in the same envelope as the form 5500 and says, with God as our witness, that "the other piece of paper in this envelope is a form 5500."

Okay, got it? Well, there was some personal turmoil going on in our life around the last day of the seventh month following the end of our personally selected fiscal year and we apparently forgot to send the form in. As tax time (early 2018) approached, we couldn't find proof that we'd mailed in the 2017 5500 form the previous July, so got a blank form, filled it out in about 60 seconds, and sent it in.

The IRS, appreciative of this non-Sharpton-like behavior, then sent us a letter today saying that the fine for being late in sending this purely informational form will be $5,300.

Again, that's not for missing any tax payments, engaging in fraud, or hiding anything. It's basically $1000 a month for the boring nearly-secret form being a bit late.

That fine is actually more than our entire earned income from last year, which the IRS presumably effing knows. So we are unamused. And by unamused, we mean spraying streams of blood from our eyes like a horned toad on a meth binge.

We'll try to appeal, of course, encouraged by the sense of empathy, compassion, and fair play for which the IRS is famous (our caseworker is someone named Lois Lerner) and if we have to pay up, well, we'll just do our level best to milk the government for every cent we can pull out of them via benefit programs

Not that this will necessarily be easy. Next week, the Jarlsbergs are scheduled to meet with Social Security following Mrs. J's application for benefits. Apparently she's been flagged as a possible fraud, and further interrogation will be required. No doubt by Kamala Harris, Cory Booker, Adam Schiff, and Jerry "Tweedledee" Nadler.

And the horses they rode in on.

With that IRS fine, we could have bought 331 jugs of this. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

Mystic Con

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, twilight zone, trump, mystic seer, AOC, Russia, Sanders, Biden

Since the news already makes us feel like we're living in The Twilight Zone, we're turning over today's commentary to The Mystic Seer, who made a notable appearance on Rod Serling's show in which the demonic machine predicted (or perhaps caused) future events in return for a penny - dispensing small cards with the often cryptic answers to increasingly disturbing yes-or-no questions.

That's credibility enough for us! So after getting change for a bright, shiny dime, here are the ten questions we asked The Mystic Seer...

Q: Is Biden's 32 point lead over Bernie Sanders accurate?
Mystic Seer: I fail to give a damn, but thanks for the penny.

Q: Does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez really not know what a garbage disposal is?
Mystic Seer: The answer is unclear. Try telling her it's a fingernail clipper.

Q: Mayor Pete Buttigieg says America was never great. Is he right?
Mystic Seer: One sees little with his head up his ass. Or anyone else's.

Q: 57% of Democrats believe Trump is guilty of treason. Can their minds be changed?
Mystic Seer: You can't change what doesn't exist.

Q: Is Iran behind the recent rocket attacks on Israel?
Mystic Seer: Was a giant pallet of cash and free rein on nuclear weapons' development bad U.S. policy?

Q: Will we ever hear from Stormy Daniels again?
Mystic Seer: Perhaps in a dark alley.

Q: What will be the prison nickname for James Comey?
Mystic Seer: That's not a yes-or-no question, but his nickname will rhyme with "Gummi."

Q: If you know all the answers, could you beat James Holzhauer on "Jeopardy?"
Mystic Seer: Yes, like a red-headed stepchild.

Q: Will Donald Trump ever be successfully impeached?
Mystic Seer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! No.

Q: Have you seen "Avengers: Endgame" yet?
Mystic Seer: I again fail to give a damn, but thanks for your last penny.

And as always, the Mystic Seer was right! Also, in case it wasn't already screamingly obvious, there was nothing in the news we wanted to talk about today but we just can't stand presenting you with a blank page and a shrug of the shoulders. So feel free to jumpstart some scintillating conversation in the comments. Favorite Twilight Zone episodes, anyone...?

This one still scares the living crap out of us. Really.

Monday, May 6, 2019

May Tricks

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, barr, mueller, matrix, red pill, blue bill, trump, conspiracy, coup, associated press

We believe that those on the Left are about to get one heck of a wake-up call courtesy of Attorney General Barr, and the soon-to-be-released report detailing DOJ Inspector Michael Horowitz's investigation of the unethical and illegal tactics used to spy on, and frame, Donald Trump. Legally speaking, we could be looking at a tsunami which will sweep away the biggest political players on the Left.

But the mainstream media is doing very little to cushion the coming blow for their gullible audience members. As a case in point, we were stopped dead in our tracks upon encountering this headline from the Associated Press: "Fines, jail time? Trump team resists oversight, Dems dig in."

Okay, first things first - the Trump team isn't resisting oversight, it's resisting overthrow.  But back to the ludicrous article which is a not-so-funhouse mirror version of what's really going on...

WASHINGTON, AP - They're talking at the Capitol about jailing people. Imposing steep fines. All sorts of extraordinary, if long-shot measures to force the White House to comply with Democratic lawmakers' request for information about President Donald Trump stemming from the special counsel's Russia investigation.

"When the president denies the Congress documents and access to key witnesses, basically what they're doing is saying, Congress you don't count," according to Rep. Elijah Cummings. "We simply cannot have a presidency that is run as if it were a king or a dictator in charge."

The article then details the draconian measures Democrats are planning to further obstruct justice by filing contempt of Congress motions against Barr, and threatening to lock Trump staffers up in a super-secret "Capitol Prison," despite repeated denials from the House and Senate that such a spiderweb-filled, subterranean dungeon actually exists. Because that's the level of insanity currently in play.

And so we come back to the red pill and the blue pill that those on the Left will soon have to choose from. They may find the red one hard to swallow...but it's going to be a lot easier on them than the alternative.


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, obama, street, boulevard, asshole, california, you didn't build that
The road is, of course, half-blacktop.
On Saturday, unrestrained joy broke out in Los Angeles when the city renamed a small section of road to honor soon-to-be-indicted former president Barack Obama.

Mind you, none of the road is new or upgraded (or as Barry would say, "You didn't build that"), as that would have required actual shovel-ready jobs to be performed, which was forbidden by California's "Department of Irony Suppression."

Instead, shiny new street signs were posted, carefully handcrafted by the prison inmates whom Democrats hope to have voting again (and again and again) in time for the 2020 elections.

Friday, May 3, 2019

Poking the Barr

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, mueller report, barr, senate hearing, treason, obama

Oscar Wilde was not a man you wanted on your bad side. A man of great intellect, piercing wit, and the gift of absolutely devastating quips, Wilde could eviscerate his opponents and critics using only his razor-sharp tongue.

Still, when Wilde was confronted by braying trolls who were mentally unequipped to appreciate the subtleties of his scathing rhetoric, we'd like to imagine that he would instead wait for the buffoons in a darkened alley with a nail-studded truncheon and give them a sound thrashing about the head and shoulders to more effectively point out the errors in their blighted logic.

And this is the position we find ourselves in today, at least rhetorically. Because after watching what the Senate Democrats did on Wednesday to Attorney General Barr, a good and honorable man, we find ourselves without much of a sense of humor today. Our thoughts are instead drifting towards more kinetic and unconventional procedures for restoring something like decorum, dignity, and common decency to the Grand Guignol proceedings in Washington.

"Questioners" (who had very few actual questions, but a lot of unsubstantiated accusations and insults) included presidential wannabees like Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, as well as some
ilio wahine from Hawaii whose only conceivable public service to the people of her stinking, socialist island would involve appeasing the volcano gods with a personal sacrifice. And yes, she's old - but based on her appearance and personality, we're guessing that she still meets the one mandatory requirement for the job (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

See, we're still trying to joke here...but what we really feel is an all-consuming anger at these smug and morally vacuous liars and hypocrites. These are people who are still - STILL - trying to pull off a Presidential coup d'etat in the United States of America. Which isn't something that any of us should take lightly...or forgivingly.

It is our great hope that Attorney General Barr, who endured the appalling partisan abuse with great poise and intelligence, will use this despicable incident to stoke his own internal fires...the ones whose flames will soon be roaring under the feet of many in the Obama administration, the Clinton circle, and the traitorous intelligence agencies that did their best to end our nation's democracy.

All of them
need to be brought to trial by Mr. Barr. And after due process has been carried out and verdicts reached, appropriate punishment must be meted out. Even if, per today's cartoon, what's "appropriate" may involve bringing back some historical methodologies which lacked subtlety, but clearly demonstrated that treason is not a game you want to play and lose.


On Thursday, Attorney General Barr decided against attending a second day of crucifixion, this time at the hands of House Democrats, which prompted one representative - a friggin' dolt who has probably never heard of Oscar Wilde - to sit and sloppily munch Kentucky Fried Chicken to show that Barr was - get this - a chicken for not showing up. Chicken - get it?! Hilarious, right?!

But it made us wonder, where would an obvious moron get such an idea...?

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, mueller report, barr hearing, house, KFC, chicken, asshole

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Hat Trick

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, biden, make america moral again, mama, groping joe, prongs

Up until now, we haven't really taken Gropin' Joe Biden's presidential campaign seriously, but now that we've heard his new slogan...well...we still can't take him seriously.

Best known for fondling and shnuzzling women and children, Biden announced on ABC's "Good Morning America" that his motto will be "Make America Moral Again." Which, admittedly, he can make a lot of progress on just by handcuffing his meaty paws to his belt for the next few months.

Biden also said that "unity" would be one of the three "major prongs" of his campaign. When added to "morality," that leaves his third major prong somewhat of a mystery - but we're not about to ask him about it, for fear of getting stung by the infamous "one eared elephant" trick he likes to pull on little girls.

And speaking of the fairer sex...


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, sports illustrated, pilot, burkini, hijab, swimsuit edition

Sports Illustrated has announced that their 2019 Swimsuit edition, best known for showing voluptuous women modeling dental floss, is making history by including a model wearing a hijab and "burkini" - a full body covering which, when completely saturated, pretty much assures that the wearer will sink like a stone. Which, presumably, is better than being stoned for having an exposed belly button.

The young Somali-American model from (surprise!) Minnesota is unquestionably attractive, and her colorful outfits are appealing even if entirely impractical for anything remotely like swimming. Which perhaps explains why she's photographed frollicking in an inch of water like a flopping fish...

We understand and even support the idea of inclusiveness, but find this particular example to be an uncomfortable hypocrisy. It's hard to interpret the hijab and burkini as anything other than condemnations of the stone-worthy women who are modeling more revealing swimsuits.

Plus, Sports Illustrated could work with we cultural troglodytes at least a little; in explaining their editorial decision, they say "we strive to continue to spread the message that whether you are wearing a one-piece, a two-piece, or a burkini, you are the pilot of your own beauty."

Post 9/11, they just might want to go easy on the "pilot" metaphors.

Monday, April 29, 2019

Whined and Dined

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, white house correspondents, dinner, mickey mouse, enemy of the people, synagogue, shooter, NYT, fake news, obama, trump
"Alex, I'll take "Things That Never Happened" for $1000."
The annual White House Correspondents' Dinner was a bit different this year. Rather than hire a liberal comedian to attack Donald Trump, the president of the Correspondents' Association, the pretentiously named Olivier Knox, decided to go for laughs by painting himself and other (ahem) "journalists" as victims.

"Journalists in the Trump era are under physical threat," Knox moaned to the crowd, no doubt referring to all of the beatings, lynchings, and beheadings of reporters in Trump's America which have, oddly, not appeared in the news. Assuming that Jussie Smollett wasn't doing an undercover assignment for CNN.

Yes, Trump has complained about fake and biased news, but is it his criticism of the media that's making them look bad...or their actual performance? We're pretty sure it's the latter, with a particularly ugly example being this cartoon recently run in the international edition of the New York Times...stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, white house correspondents, dinner, mickey mouse, enemy of the people, synagogue, shooter, NYT, fake news, obama, trump

Subtle, huh? The President of the United States is a blind man being guided by Jew-dog Benjamin Netanyahu wearing a Star of David on his collar.

But surely no real harm can come from publishing such an inflammatory image, right? Surely no one, two days later, would shoot up a synagogue in California after posting a manifesto saying that President Trump is a "Zionist, Jew-loving, anti-White, traitorous cocksucker." Except that's exactly what happened.

Direct cause and effect? Probably not. The news media's nonstop anti-Trump attacks and anti-semitic cultural gestalt? Without question.

And to further hammer home this appalling reality, following the synagogue shooting, CNN fielded a discussion panel that decided that Donald Trump wasn't actually sincere in condemning the attack and the shooter. An accusation plucked straight out of their collective asses.

This is fake news. This is why actual journalism is all but extinct. And this is why we have a very specific suggestion for what the White House Correspondents should eat at their next dinner.


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, white house correspondents, dinner, mickey mouse, enemy of the people, synagogue, shooter, NYT, fake news, obama, trump

Friday, April 26, 2019

Joe Blow

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, joe biden, announcement, president, candidate, 2020

It's official! "Groping Joe" Biden is now in the 2020 Presidential race, ratcheting up the excitement and interest in the Democrat field of contestants to the place that we still don't give a single damn.

Seriously, are the foam-at-the-mouth young radicals really going to get excited for another old white man (indeed, possibly the whitest man on Earth) with a long documented history of grabbing and nuzzling women and children, plagiarizing speeches, and making gaffes every time he opens his mouth? A man who has a long and easily-checked record of bad policy calls - like opposing integration efforts for schools, being wrong about every foreign policy pronouncement he's ever made, and announcing on live TV that Obamacare was a "big fucking deal" (although in fairness he was right, and we were the ones getting f*cked).

Biden made his announcement via a slickly-produced video in which he solemnly read meaningless platitudes off a teleprompter: "Folks, America is an idea. An idea that's stronger than any army, bigger than any ocean, more powerful than any dictator or tyrant (wink-wink, nudge-nudge). It gives hope to the most desperate people on Earth. It guarantees that everyone is treated with dignity. And gives hate no safe harbor."

While this droning monologue might make Biden (or more likely, his speechwriter) a reasonable candidate for Poet Laureate, it does nothing but confirm that the one-time Veep is an empty suit whose sole purpose is to give a pleasant face to the ugly, dangerous, and anti-American plans of the Deep State swamp dwellers.

But rather than put us all into a coma by continuing to talk about such a dull man, let's revisit a few cartoons from the vault which will help remind us of just what a nimrod we're dealing with...

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

I Shrink to Forget

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, hillary, buttigieg, easter worshippers, isis, terror, sanders, boston marathon, madness, stilton's palsy
We won't lie to you: today's cartoon and commentary aren't really clever insights and perspectives, but rather a laundry list (and a highly shortened one, at that) of the stuff that is driving us out of our ever-loving minds today.

And there's a wee bit of personal experience woven into this. For several months, we've been seeing a psychotherapist to help us develop better coping skills to reduce the levels of stress which may (or may not) be causing "Stilton's Palsy," our self-named affliction that interrupts both sleeping and waking life with occasional involuntary modern dance routines, complete with "spaz hands."

We're glad to say we've been making nice progress, doing our meditation exercises, breathing deeply, and picturing ourselves in the safe interior of a magic subterranean cave which has soft shafts of sunlight and a glowing pool of gently lapping water. And, importantly, our peaceful place has no freaking sources of news whatsoever. But eventually we have to return to reality, where we're again assaulted by political and media lunacy - causing a tsunami of stress hormones to pressure-wash the insides of our rapidly-aging veins.

What's most frustrating is that we're not nuts - there really is stark raving, mouth-breathing, utter insanity loose in the world and it's only spreading and growing in popularity.

Seriously, if Democrats would just look at all these crazy news stories, it might suddenly dawn on them why so many sane people have chosen to support a President who is at least a bit less nuts than anyone in the Democrat party.

We'd say more, but the session time is up.

Monday, April 22, 2019

The Heller Report

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"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.
The "lightly redacted" Mueller Report has been made public and, predictably, it's not changing a single mind regarding President Trump's guilt or innocence. Not that the anti-Trump forces are exactly sure what Trump is guilty of other than his repeatedly pointing out that a two-year phony investigation was, indeed, a phony investigation.

An attempted political coup, in fact, which we're certainly hoping Attorney General Barr will be pursuing thoroughly, relentlessly, and hopefully mercilessly.

The Mueller Report clearly establishes that neither Trump nor anyone in his circle had anything to do with Russian collusion, and that sufficient evidence to cause Obama's justice department to spy on Trump's campaign never actually existed - everything was based on a fabricated (and transparently ridiculous) dossier which was paid for by Trump's opposition in the 2016 election: Hillary Clinton and the DNC.

Failing to find evidence of, well, anything truly damaging to Trump, Robert Mueller packed his report with snarky anecdotes about Trump being a volatile and chaotic personality surrounded by staffers who keep him from making big mistakes.

Well, duh - that's exactly what we voted for! The system is working!

To expand further on this point (and make it simple enough for even our liberal friends to understand), let's travel back to a post we made last year which explains why we don't give a rat's rear end about anything in the Mueller Report...


stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, mueller report, trump, catch 22, catch 45, obstruction, collusion, kamikaze, drunk
Yes, we know that Trump doesn't drink, for which we give thanks daily. This is a metaphor.
According to Bob Woodward's new tell-all book "Fear" and a recent New York Times op-ed which was allegedly written by "an anonymous White House official who we are totally not making up," President Donald Trump is an egotistical, mercurial boob who requires constant supervision by others to stave off disaster.


The accounts may or may not be 100% accurate, but we don't care - other than having a constant undercurrent of mild terror. Because many of us who voted for Trump, however reluctantly, knew all of this about him going in. We weren't really happy about giving the country's reins to a man whose thought process can be likened to a pinball machine, but the only other choice was inconceivably worse.

Going back to our cartoon metaphor, our plane was already in serious trouble and going down fast. Hillary Clinton would put us into a nose dive at maximum throttle, then cackle hysterically (when not coughing) all the way down to our fiery doom.

Trump, on the other hand, might seem to have a screw loose - but he had a record of somehow getting things accomplished and seemed sincere in his desire to save the day. And unlike Hillary's kamikaze scenario, Trump wouldn't be alone in the cockpit - he'd actually have a trained co-pilot, flight engineer, navigator, and others to help compensate for his inexperience and eccentricities.

Which brings us to the present. Woodward and the New York Times are reporting that dedicated White House staffers are working constantly to defuse Trump's bad ideas and help enable his good ideas - which is why this amateur President keeps racking up success after success.

In other words, we're seeing a scary process that produces good results rather than what, under Hillary, would have been a nightmarishly efficient process producing devastating results.

That doesn't strike us as being an entirely bad thing. Especially if the in-flight turbulence doesn't get bad enough to keep the flight attendant from rolling that drink cart our way on a regular basis.

Friday, April 19, 2019

Cheeky Excuse

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Now THAT'S what we call a Buttigieg!
We're taking the day off to attend to some non-emergency family business, but wanted there to be at least a minor visual reward for those who showed up here today. Which is why we're sharing this picture of an absolutely spectacular straw hat.

Durable, inexpensive, made from renewable materials, and offering great protection against the sun's damaging rays, we can't recommend straw fedoras highly enough. Whether you get an ornate hat woven from pampas grass, or a much humbler hat woven from not-so-pampas grass, you'll be sporting a style which we can all enthusiastically get behind, without the cost putting you in arrears!

We'd say more, but oddly we keep losing our train of thought. Or, to get to the bottom of things, we keep thinking about cabooses...

Have a great weekend and see you back here on Monday!

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Torch Bearer

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When an important icon of western civilization goes up in flames, as the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris did on Monday, experts tell us that the best way to cope with our collective grief is to make tasteless jokes about it. And by "experts," we mean the craftsmen who distill Clan MacGregor scotch.

We don't, of course, find anything remotely funny about the Notre Dame blaze...although we do find it "funny" that French authorities issued a report saying that the inferno couldn't possibly have been caused by arson or, God forbid, terrorism...even before launching a real investigation. Presumably, that report must have been authored by the French equivalent of James Comey, who is unclear about the proper sequencing of investigations, conclusions, and exonerations (at least, when there's a political agenda involved).

Fortunately, a lot of the great cathedral survived the flames, and donations are pouring in to rebuild the structure, perhaps with some important updated features which better reflect modern France, like state-of-the-art fire extinguishing systems, broadband wi-fi, and minarets.


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In a special Fox News town hall meeting, Democrat front runner (and yes, we're stunned to be writing those words) Bernie Sanders got a chance to air his bombastic socialist talking points. Oddly, the event was treated seriously by Fox News, who are said to be trying to arrange another town hall with Democrat wunderkind "Mayor Pete" Buttigieg, whose name we can neither pronounce nor say with a straight face. It is unknown if similar events will be planned for the other 93 currently named Democrat candidates for president.

For us, the highlight of the town hall came when it was pointed out that his bestselling book has made Bernie a multi-millionaire (presumably an evil one, since there's no other kind) who could voluntarily pay the higher taxes he deems a "fair share" versus the far lower taxes established by Donald Trump. So has he done that?

Bernie hemmed and hawed, but eventually admitted he hasn't voluntarily paid an extra cent in taxes in the name of fairness or eliminating income inequality. After which he started babbling about why the American Dream isn't about the freedom to make great wealth, but is rather about getting free healthcare, a free education, and "when (people) turn on the water, have drinkable water and not toxic water."

Presumably, Mr. Sanders' next bestselling book will be about hydration and hypocrisy.

Monday, April 15, 2019

Tick Talk

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We're just going to let the cartoon do all our talking today. Unlike Omar and her freshman Congressional colleagues, we know when to shut up.

Friday, April 12, 2019

The Cart Before The Hearse

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On Wednesday, we saw the first image of an actual black hole and, despite a bit of kidding from us, it was astounding and important. And not solely because it provides a perfect metaphor for a big, developing news story: the arrest of Wikileaks' Julian Assange.

Regarding the black hole picture, it's impossible to see the black hole itself because of the mind-blowing forces which the core exerts to keep anything from escaping. But we can infer a lot by the accumulation of seethingly hot material circulating around that mysterious center and defining its edges.

And so it is with the case of Julian Assange's sudden arrest and forcible removal from the Ecuadoran embassy within 24 hours of Attorney General William Barr's announcement that he's actively investigating the circumstances behind the attempted coup (our words, not his) of President Donald Trump via falsified charges of Russian collusion...and subsequent spying on Trump's campaign by intelligence agencies closely aligned with Barack "Gotta Protect My Legacy" Obama, and Hillary "I Sold My Soul For The Presidency" Clinton.

We don't yet know what's at the impenetrably black center of all this, but it's certainly interesting to look at the white hot material that's now circulating around this nexus.

Key to the Russian collusion case is the idea that the Russians hacked DNC computers (for Trump's alleged benefit) and gave the embarrassing information to Wikileaks to hurt Hillary. But Assange knows where that information really came from...and he hasn't been shy about saying that it wasn't Russia. Rather, he's hinted that the DNC materials may have come from someone within the party itself. Perhaps someone like young DNC staffer Seth Rich, who was upset that Hillary essentially bought the entire DNC for the express purpose of taking Bernie Sanders (at the height of his popularity) out of the presidential race, and who may have shared information with Assange. Seth was subsequently shot to death on the street...with no signs of an altercation or robbery.

If Assange names Seth Rich as his source and provides evidence to prove it, all Hell is likely to break loose (which we're enthusiastically in favor of). Moreover, if it can be clearly shown that our intelligence agencies knew that the Russians weren't the source of the leaks, they'll have a pretty hard time explaining why they subsequently began spying on a presidential candidate (based on a clearly fictitious dossier funded by - surprise! - Hillary Clinton), as well as employing high-ranking agents who vowed that they'd make sure Trump either never won, or would never serve.

It's a very high-stakes game, and at the moment we don't know which team just grabbed Assange. Did Trump order a preemptive arrest to keep Assange safe and get his testimony? Or did the Deep State/Obama/Hillary cabal snatch Assange to silence him permanently (be watching for telltale press stories reporting Assange to be suffering from "serious health problems," so snuffing him will seem at least slightly less obvious to those who've never heard of Arkancide).

Like that Black Hole, we can't see what's at the center of all this yet. But our gut tells us that it's absolutely massive...and that a lot of political hacks are about to be sucked inexorably into a crushing maw of unimaginable force.


Speaking of people whose unlikely and untimely deaths benefitted Hillary Clinton's political ambitions, we're now hearing that Independent Counsel Ken Starr, in his final report about the Clintons' Whitewater scandal, tastefully omitted his conclusion that Hillary Clinton drove her "friend," attorney Vince Foster, to suicide by ripping him to shreds in front of White House staff.

Starr says that he cut his conclusion from the report to spare Hillary the pain of having to deal with what her cruel actions had caused. And that's plausible, we guess.

Also plausible is that Ken Starr didn't want his own dead body found in the middle of a public park with no grass on the bottoms of his shoes, next to an empty briefcase which - after being searched multiple times - suddenly and spontaneously produced a typed suicide note, torn into easily reassembled pieces, but bearing no fingerprints. Nor would Starr want Hillary's staffers to duck under the police crime scene tape surrounding his office to steal boxes of files...all of which happened to Vince Foster.

Let's be really clear about something: Hillary Clinton never intended to win the 2016 presidential election fairly...and she sure as Shinola didn't intend to lose the election fairly. Her crimes are known, many, and so far unpunished. Here's hoping that changes soon.


According to Representative Ilhan Omar, the ravingly anti-semitic Muslim congresswoman from Minnesota, the organization CAIR (the Council on American-Islamic Relations) "was founded after 9/11 because they recognized that some people did something and that all (Muslims) were starting to lose access to our civil liberties."

Some people did...something?!

Words fail us - and the most appropriate words aren't even fit to put on this page. Which is why we created the cartoon above to, hopefully, make our sentiments tastefully but abundantly clear.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Sucks to be Huge

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Not that they'll be missed.
It is described as the ultimate void. A vast, dark vortex of emptiness with an unimaginably dense center from which nothing can escape.

We're talking, of course, about the mainstream news media - with whom we want nothing to do today. The Dems interrogating Barr, the Dems trying to get Trump's tax returns, top level turnover in various White House departments as our southern border fails, Alec Baldwin talking about running for President - oh, please!

But we do find it at least potentially interesting that a group of astronomers is promising today to reveal the first ever direct image of an actual black hole in space. Granted, we don't expect it to look like much of anything...but its shape could at least potentially change everything we think we know about physics and what we believe to be reality. Or...and we can't emphasize this strongly enough... it might just look like a boring hole.

Because seriously, how hard would it be to fake a photo of absolute nothingness in deep space? You could sneeze on the film of an old chest X-ray and probably pass off the results as the greatest astronomical discovery since the days of Copernicus (who invented the sneeze). Although actually, there could and should be some interesting stuff to see around the black hole, swirling down the ultimate drain and giving off wild bursts of light and energy as time, matter, and space are all condensed into infinitely hot meaninglessness.

Granted, Washington DC had already given us a pretty good idea of what a black hole looks like...

Nothing that goes in is ever seen again.
...but the image released today will probably be a lot less clear. In fact, we're expecting a fairly funky computerized image which will be accompanied by a much more detailed, colorful, and spectacular "artist's rendition" of the black hole. Something like this, perhaps...

True fact: the Event Horizon is defined by sparkling, iridescent drips of sugar glaze.
In the end, the "image reveal" may or may not prove to be interesting or educational. But we'll be tuning in anyway, because compared to everything else that's going on, #BlackHolesMatter.


Tah-dah!!!! Okay, not that great a picture, but still genuinely interesting.

Monday, April 8, 2019

The Black New Deal

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So, New York 14th District voters - how does it feel to pick a ninny?
Although we hate giving dimwits more time in the spotlight than they deserve, AOC has once again offered us too tempting a target to resist.

Specifically, she has entered the ranks of those political figures who suddenly lapse into a broad Amos & Andy dialect when talking to African-American audiences in order to seem more "black." Interestingly, this overtly racist affliction only seems to strike liberals, with notable victims including Hillary "Ain't No Ways Tarred" Clinton, Rachel "Of Course I'm Black, I Committed Welfare Fraud" Dolezal, and Barack "I Was Raised in a White Community by White Communists Who Fed Me Fluffernutter Sandwiches" Obama.

In this case, Ms. Occasionally-Colored was addressing a predominantly black audience when she was suddenly overcome by the urge to speak in a southern drawl seasoned with just a soupcon of Ebonics. Reacting to President Trump's dismissal of her as a "bartender," she defended her former (and future) profession by declaring "Ain't nothin' wrong wid dat!" while waving jazz hands.

She then further demonstrated her deep understanding of black culture by assuring them - still in Stepin Fetchit mode -  that there was nothing wrong with their holding jobs like "folding clothes for other people to buy," or "preparing the food that your neighbors will eat," or "driving busses." In fact, it seems like there "ain't nothin' wrong wid dat" about any kind of manual labor for black Americans, as long as they leave all the fancy thinkin' jobs to the progressive massahs in charge of the new plantation state.

Of course, part of that fancy thinkin' by the Leftists is to flood our country with so many illegal aliens that the humble, but thoroughly respectable, jobs she listed will be out of reach to those in black communities who were hoping to enter the job market and start climbing the economic ladder.

Still, if they vote the right way, there will always be a trickle of cash heading their way from Washington.

But there ain't nothin' right about it.

Friday, April 5, 2019

Casualty Friday

After "The Shining," their attempt to do standup comedy pretty much went nowhere.
Some days, the muse doesn't pay us a visit. Unsurprisingly, this usually happens on days in which the "news" is full of the same, meaningless pap that we're already sick of talking about. Case in point: the NY Times just published a 1500 word story which says "unnamed sources" may have been in contact with "unnamed members" of the Mueller investigation team who may have said that the full report is considerably rougher on Trump than the Barr summary indicates.

If that story deserves any response other than "blow it out your ass," we certainly can't think of it.

And that's pretty much our attitude toward every story that's currently trending, tweeting, or tub-thumping to grab our attention. Which is why we're filling space with roller coaster jokes and knee-slappers like these...

The longer you think about it, the truer it is.

Okay, stick a fork in us - we're done. But we encourage any and all volunteers to raise salient points from the news (or at least share some better jokes) in the comments section in hopes of keeping today from being a total loss!

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Beating About the Bush

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As much as we hate to do so, we're actually coming to "Groping Joe" Biden's defense today. Not because he isn't "handsy" and apt to inappropriately touch women, children, and even men, but because we haven't heard any accusations yet that really say he's anything worse than being annoyingly physical in his interpersonal dealings.

After all, some people are huggers, others aren't. Some kiss spontaneously, and some don't. Some press a woman's nipple and say "ding dong!" because it's fun to make doorbell jokes, while others deny being able to tell the genders apart. Who are we to judge?

Granted, we enjoy watching the Left eat their own, but we think there are far, far better reasons for tossing Uncle Joe out of the Presidential race than his shnorfling the back of women's necks. For instance, he's been in Washington DC since the Pleistocene era and yet has never been right about a single issue or foreign policy decision.

This is a man who recently attacked white people for being white. A man who tells black Americans that Wall Street wants to "put you back in chains." A man who believes the proper exercise of 2nd Amendment rights consists of running out onto your balcony at night and firing a shotgun in the air if you were startled awake by a dog's fart.

So it's not Joe Biden's grasping of campaign supporters that bothers us so much as his inability to grasp reality.

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As bad as this was, it could have been worse if they were in a bowling alley.

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Terror, quite possibly tequila-related, swept our nation recently when it was announced that if President Trump seals our southern border to stem the rising flood of illegal invaders, we could run out of avocados within three weeks.

Oh sure, there are plenty of other delicious things to dunk chips in, but do we really want to increase our dependence on France just to maintain a critical flow of French Onion dip? Do we really want fey millennials wearing pouty faces because they can't get avocado toast? Do we really want to wait a few weeks to enjoy American-grown avocados that were still picked by Mexicans?

Well, yes - we do!

And if the Dems don't like it, we suggest that they dip their Doritos in another pasty substance which comes from South of the Border. So to speak.

Monday, April 1, 2019

April Fools' Day 2018

As has become April 1st tradition here at Stilton's Place, we're sharing our predictions for a number of news stories which we expect to break before day's end. Enjoy!

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stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, april fool, mueller, schiff, rbg, smollett, biden, benghazi, obama

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