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Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Blush to Judgment (Weds Nov 13, 2019)

(Note: this post went "live" a bit early and says Tuesday, but it is the Wednesday post!)

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Today sees the kickoff of the Adam Schiff Show, which we're deeply looking forward to not watching. Ever. For any reason.

Schiff is expected to open each installment with a comedic "parody" opening monologue, followed by telling the TV audience about the exciting roster of guests who will be grilled on the show, after which he'll mime a golf swing and signal the band to play jazzily into the first commercial break.

In this inquiry, which the press is happily and erroneously calling actual "impeachment hearings," all legal standards of what constitutes legitimate evidence have been thrown into a woodchipper, and neither President Trump nor the Republicans are allowed to offer any defense whatsoever. Apparently Mr. Schiff is using the legal playbook from the Salem witch trials, which is ironic considering that his googly eyes alone would have been enough for him to get torched back then ("He looked at my cows and they dried up, my crops withered and died, and my wife gave birth to a changeling with beady peepers!")

We're sure that the Adam Schiff Show will get plenty of press and news coverage, which will be handy for anyone who wants to hear more about it. Because we'll be damned if we're going to say any more about it unless we absolutely have to.

BONUS: SAN FRANSHITSCO

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As another reminder of how screwed up liberals are, San Francisco has just elected a new district attorney whose pedigree and platform are flat out astounding.

Chesa Boudin (sadly not heir to a cajun sausage fortune) is the son of two members of the infamous Weather Underground domestic terror group. When Boudin was still only a toddler terrorist, his parents were packed off to prison for using bombs to murder policemen - which may well be the precipitating incident which made young Chesa dedicate his life to screwing up law enforcement.

Boudin was then raised in Chicago by the violently antisocial ringleaders of the Weather Underground - Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn. For anyone who doesn't remember, it was in the living room of Bill Ayers that a young man with a dream (well, the dreams of his father and ghostwriter), Barack Obama, kicked off his ambitious and eventually successful attempt to screw up America and get policemen killed.

Fast forward to the present, and the festering stinkhole that is San Francisco, where candidate Chesa Boudin promised voters that if he was made District Attorney, he would make sure that no one was prosecuted for pooping or peeing on the sidewalks, that no one would be hassled for offering or soliciting sex, and that there would be no enforcement attempts to keep people from setting up tents or cardboard box hovels wherever they like. And the other candidates were so bad that this second generation terrorist/scatologist actually won on that platform.

He'll soon be starting his important job of law non-enforcement and hobbling the work of street cops, but we'd first like to ask him about an apparent inconsistency in his plans. He's making sure that San Francisco's sidewalks will be contaminated with even more pee and poop...but also encouraging the homeless to sleep on those sidewalks. If Donald Trump is responsible for the comfort and hygiene of illegal immigrants at the border, shouldn't D.A. Boudin be encouraging people not to take huge steaming craps on the beds of the homeless?

Frankly, this D.A.'s agenda sounds D.O.A to us.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Veterans Day 2019


Today is Veterans Day - a day of tribute, contemplation, and gratitude for the service and sacrifice of those who have served our nation in uniform. 

It is our ongoing duty to protect the freedoms that these men and women have won for us at high personal cost. And our very great privilege to say "thank you for your service."

Friday, November 8, 2019

Heard Mentality

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If this is what passes for "news" these days - and it is - we have better things to do with our time than fretting about what "reporters" are hearing from their imaginary friends. Seriously, the news gathering process now reminds us of a clueless Frankenstein's monster trying to pluck music notes out of the air before going on a mindless rampage.

Not that we'd recommend torches and pitchforks as a remedy. Although it's said to be a good idea by unnamed sources speaking on behalf of an anonymous insider.

JUST A LITTLE FILLING...


Considering the fact that nothing in the news actually looks like "news," we're at something of an impasse when it comes to padding today's post to a reasonable length. To that end, here are random bits of flotsam related to what's going on around stately Jarlsberg Manor.

MUNCHIES - While preparing our home for a social soiree, we discovered some odd "rippling" of the paint on one section of a wall. Giving it a gentle poke, our finger more or less disappeared out of view. Uh-oh. Yes, it was an active termite infestation (we personally saw the little bastards) which necessitated injecting powerful, Earth-destroying toxins around the entire periphery of our home. Which, at $1200, would be really painful if it weren't for the facts that A) Greta Thunberg would hate our use of toxins and B) based on their behavior, we're pretty sure the termites were socialists.



FUNGUS AMONG US - A couple of weeks ago, a faint scent of mildew wafted through the bathroom closest to the editorial offices of Stilton's Place. Our strategy of "hoping it will just go away" fared no better than our identical hope for Barack Obama's administration, and following the same pattern the stench soon grew to unacceptable levels. Acrid fumes of mold burned our throat, and we couldn't find any signs of mold or moisture leaks - though it seemed likely that the problem was inside a wall which contains plumbing pipes.

Unable to track the problem further, we hired a plumber who had a specialized tool which allows one to actually look inside walls. That tool, it turns out, is a saw.



Four "windows" were cut into the wall, and moisture was discovered on some of the pipes - but there was no smoking gun discovered. So now we have mold smell (which we're allergic to), holes in the walls, and a renewed dedication to "hoping it will just go away."

US TREACHERY DEPARTMENT - Many months ago, we reported to you that we'd accidentally failed to file a financial statement with the IRS on time, and so had sent it in four months late along with a letter of apology. The form, a 5500-EZ (ha!), simply states how much money is in your personal self-employed retirement account. This is an information form only - no taxes had been missed and no payments were due. Essentially, we were just sending beans to keep the beancounters from getting bored.

To thank us for our honesty, the IRS sent back a letter saying that we were being fined $5000 for a late filing. There is an appeal process, which we unsurprisingly jumped on. But here's the punchline: after nearly 6 months, we just got a letter from the IRS saying "Sorry, we're really, really busy so we haven't been able to get back to you in a timely way. Just keep waiting, and we'll add the accruing interest to your fine."  Bottom line: we're being fined $5000 for being four months late, but the IRS is much later than that...and suffers no consequences. And this is why we drink.

STILTON'S PALSY - You may recall our mentioning that we'd developed a mild case of demonic possession which caused us to wake up each night kicking, flailing, and occasionally punching ourself in the face with a hostile and uncontrollable ninja fist. We showed video footage to a neurologist who helpfully observed that it looked like "violent seizures." We did not, however, have the sound turned up on the video because we'd added the song "Shakin' All Over" from The Who's "Live at Leeds" album. Because that's how we roll.

Fast forward to today and, after having the condition for roughly a year without any successful medical diagnosis, we're claiming naming privileges: the condition is now "Stilton's Palsy."


It's gotten significantly better over time. We're not performing Broadway musicals every night, but still have a lot of weird, lower-grade shakes, head bops, and twirling limbs (all completely painless, though annoying as all get out). Also, the condition now manifests itself during daylight hours in periods of high stress, much to the delight of anyone in our immediate proximity. Happily, the condition is apparently harmless and, two weeks from now, may get us out of jury duty if we make the judge nervous.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Putting the Cartel Before the Hearse

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WE remember, you insufferable lying assholes.
By now you've heard the story of the Mormon family who had three women and six children massacred by drug cartel members while traveling through Mexico to attend a wedding. The story is heartbreaking...and a legitimate source for righteous anger.

To that end, President Trump has made the offer to Mexico to basically go to war with the cartels, using American troops to wipe this scourge from the Earth. Which is a very refreshing change from the way Barack Obama dealt with the problem by sending automatic weapons to the cartels.

We discussed this a lot at Hope n' Change way back in 2011, but will serve up a refresher for those who have forgotten details...or never heard them.

"Fast and Furious" was a program administered by the ATF under attorney general Eric Holder's direction and almost surely Barack Obama's endorsement. The program helped smuggle more than 1700 weapons to Mexican criminals and drug cartels just "to see where they'd surface."

Theoretically, this would provide valuable information which would allow the ATF to shut down the gunrunners. But unsurprisingly, "theory" went out the window, the program flew out of control, and the AK-47s and armor-piercing shells were used to murder dozens (if not hundreds) of people including a U.S. Border Patrol agent and a Customs Enforcement agent.

Speculation, which we personally find entirely believable, is that the primary purpose of the program wasn't really to track gang members at all, but rather for the Obama administration to pretend to be shocked that guns sold in America had been used to slaughter people in Mexico - which would have given Obama and Holder an excuse to attack the second amendment rights of Americans. And had "Fast and Furious" not been exposed, their bloodsoaked plan might actually have worked.

The contrast between the administrations of Trump and Obama could not be more marked. Trump wants to kill the bad guys who kill Americans...Obama wanted the bad guys to kill others, and equipped them to do so, in order to make his own covert attack on Americans.

And this is why, despite his many rough spots, we strongly support Donald Trump. And why we're still sickened by the memory of Barack Obama and everyone who surrounded him.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Funny Business

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In these stressful political times, it's important to remember to laugh from time to time - especially about topics which are knee-slappingly funny like murder, pederasty, and sex trafficking.

At least, that's what Progressives find hilarious based on an interview in which The Daily Show host, Trevor Noah, asked Hillary Clinton how she killed Jeffrey Epstein - and was greeted with shrill, psychotic, Joker-style laughter by the First Lady of Arkancide. As opposed to, oh, a denial.

Alleged non-candidate Hillary was appearing on the show along with international diarrhea expert Chelsea "Daddy says it's not incest if I'm Webb Hubbell's" Clinton to promote their inspirational new children's book, "Gusty Women."

No, wait - the book is called "Gutsy Women" and it's filled with examples of women who, like Hillary, were strong and unapologetic historical trailblazers. Little girls (including, of course, those with a penis) can thrill to the colorful exploits of Lucretia Borgia, Lizzie Borden, Ma Barker, Aileen Wournos, Bonnie Parker, and Typhoid Mary - all of whom were gutsy enough to kill scores of people while laughing like hyenas.

And all of whom knew that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself.

FROM THE VAULT: THE SANDERS OF TIME


We'll skip our usual lengthy diatribe about Daylight Saving Time other than to say that we hate this temporal torture with every fiber of our jet-lagged being and don't appreciate, when 6 o'clock rolls around, being as in the dark as an MSNBC viewer.

Friday, November 1, 2019

The Schiff Hits the Fan

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On Thursday, the House of Representatives held a big vote to agree upon the rules for proceeding with an impeachment "inquiry" which isn't an actual impeachment and, from the sound of things, won't be much of an inquiry either.

According to the measure, which passed with near universal support from Democrats and universal opposition by Republicans, televised testimony will take place with Democrats asking questions of Democrat-selected (and coached) "witnesses." In the interest of fairness, Republicans can also subpoena witnesses unless the Democrats don't like them or don't want the American people to hear from them.

All in all it's a fake process designed to look like impeachment proceedings, in which President Trump will be not really impeached for committing high crimes of phone etiquette, the charges about which are also phony.

We would call this a kangaroo court, only kangaroos can beat the living stew out of anyone who honks them off, so we won't insult them by comparing them to this mendacious collection of anti-American shitweasels.

We might alternately call this Kabuki theater, only when you insult those guys they sneak up on you quietly (despite their traditional wooden clogs) and then split you down the middle with a samurai sword.

So we'll just call this what it is: a travesty, an attempted coup, and a blatant act of treason committed by an entire political party.

Albeit not one without a sense of humor...

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Too soon? We couldn't care less.
HALLOWEEN UPDATE

Stately Jarlsberg Mansion
Despite our worries, the weather for Halloween night was crisp and dry - perfect, really (although it got cold). So we were able to set up our full complement of inflatables (that purple blob is actually a giant spider eating a life-sized skeleton), psychedelic lights, and music/sound effects.

Fewer kids that previous years, but the ones who showed up were appreciative. Got a few teens without costumes, too - but they were pleasant enough and said "thank you," so good for them. All in all, it was a lovely evening!

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Happy Halloween 2019


We take Halloween pretty seriously at Stilton's Place, as evidenced by these actual interior decorations we've been enjoying for most of the month...

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We're also ready with a full contingent of outdoor decorations for the trick-or-treat crowd, including inflatables, video projectors, creepy music, and psychedelic lighting - all of which we think would make great additions to future Democrat debates!

Unfortunately, rain and wind are predicted for Halloween night so we may just end up shaking our fist at the sky and shouting "How DARE you?!" Greta Thunberg-style, then watch ice cold drizzle through the windows while eating the tiny candy bars that were intended for costumed kids.

But hope springs eternal, and we'll still be ready to make the outside of stately Jarlsberg manor suitably creepy if there's a break in the weather.

And speaking of hope springing eternally, we'd like to share the graphic below from our good friend Johnny Optimism. Every year on that site, we post a collage of decorated Halloween wheelchairs as a reminder that when Life gives you lemons, you should kick Life in the ass and throw your lemons at it, then do something totally awesome.

Considering the all-too-spooky news lately, we think it's a timely bit of advice. So enjoy Halloween, and take optimism and inspiration from these kids (and their wonderful parents)!


(Note: Just in case you feel like you're experiencing deja vu, honesty compels us to admit that much of this is an updated version of our 2018 post. Think of it like year-old Halloween candy that you discover in the back of the pantry and eat anyway because it's probably still good.)

BONUS: FROM THE CRYPT...


Monday, October 28, 2019

Pieces in Our Time

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And if there are enough vests for everyone.
Saturday night "live" is what ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi wasn't following a daring special forces operation last Saturday night. Troops went in, cleared the compound - killing those who resisted - then closed in on al-Baghdadi himself.

The ISIS leader scurried down a dead-end (literally) tunnel with three of his children, then blew all of them to bits with a suicide vest.

President Trump, in a statement Sunday morning, made it clear that al-Baghdadi "died like a dog. He died like a coward. Whimpering, screaming, and crying. The thug who tried so hard to intimidate others spent his last moments in utter fear, in total panic and dread, terrified of the American forces bearing down on him."

Trump's willingness to take a metaphorical leak on al-Baghdadi's grave stands in stark contrast to Barack Obama's more measured (to put it mildly) statement upon the killing of Osama bin Laden. Obama described Osama as a terrorist and killer, but did not further personalize attacks on bin Laden's character nor the manner of his death. And we should note that as an additional show of respect for bin Laden (and not Islam, because Obama specifically stated that "Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader"),  Obama ordered the terror mastermind's body to be washed and wrapped per Muslim tradition, then immediately buried at sea without further forensics.

We'll also note that Trump gave full credit and praise to everyone involved with locating and exterminating al-Baghdadi, while Obama's statement made it sound like he'd personally grabbed a headband and hunting knife and gone Rambo on bin Laden. Which hardly squares with reports that Obama had to have his happy ass dragged off a golf course to watch the bin Laden raid, and the raid might actually have taken place over Obama's objection. (It's worth noting that the White House later confirmed Obama's golf outing, but characterized it as a brilliant ruse to keep the press from knowing that something important was happening. Which, in all candor, strikes us as breathtaking bullshit.)

Be that as it may, we're pleased to see that American justice is being meted out with a firm hand, and that Mr. Trump is not allowing partisan (and likely criminal) domestic resistance to interfere with the performance of his Presidential duties.

BONUS: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F**K?!

We thought we'd said all we needed to say above. Then we saw this actual headline from the Washington Post...


We couldn't believe that ANY newspaper would really send this out, but we checked and double-checked and it's true. According to the WaPo, Trump is just knocking off "austere religious scholars" rather than ridding the world of murderous terrorists.

Which is why, if the Washington Post is ever burned to the ground by an angry torch-bearing mob (God forbid), our headline will be "Newspaper Writers Attend Barbecue."

Friday, October 25, 2019

Having Scum Fun Now

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, that brevity is the soul of wit, and that less is more. To test this triple-dip of wisdom (and in celebration of personal laziness), we're presenting three cartoons today which pretty much speak for themselves...

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It was the right thing to do, Mr. President
BREAK IN NEWS:
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Both will be watched to see if they suddenly start flashing large amounts of wampum around.
Here's the boring story of the headquarters break-in.

CLOSED DORK SESSION:
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Well, it's not like there isn't precedent...
And there's the Friday wrap-up, miraculously finished just in time for us to declare Happy Hour! Have a great weekend everyone - and see you in the comments section!

ADDENDUM: BRUSH FIRE

For anyone who didn't understand the cartoon above, it was a reference to Democrat Congresswoman Katie Hill, who was photographed in the buff brushing the hair of the young congressional aide she'd been shtupping in a three-way relationship. Stay classy, Democrats!

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Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Great White Way

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Right up front, we want to go on record as being very sincerely supportive of gay folks and gay marriage. But we can't help commenting on the fact that Pete Buttigieg might benefit from a little more tailoring of the image he's presenting on the campaign trail.

Although "Mayor Pete" is enjoying a nice rise in recent polls, an in-depth study of black voters in South Carolina showed that many of them found his sexual orientation to be problematic - enough so that most weren't even considering voting for him.

Part of the problem, as expressed by those polled, is that they don't mind Buttigieg being gay, but do have a problem with how vocal he is about it. So surely it isn't helping matters when Buttigieg announces a contest in which the grand prize is a trip to San Francisco (more or less the gay mecca) to enjoy an evening of musical theater with his husband, Chasten.

We're sure it will be an absolutely lovely evening, but still - isn't the whole event just a little too "on the nose" for those voters who were already feeling uncomfortable? Why not make the grand prize a visit to Buttigieg's actual home, South Bend, Indiana, where Chasten can take the lucky winners on a tour of all the positive things Mayor Pete has accomplished?

Oh, that's right - he hasn't actually done such a great job of being a small town Mayor. So maybe the fabulous distractions aren't such a bad idea after all.

Monday, October 21, 2019

Period Piece

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In case you weren't paying attention, Saturday was National Period Day, with crowds of woke men and women flooding into the streets (so to speak) to declare themselves "period proud," demand that we "end period poverty," and wave signs saying "tampons, not guns," which makes us wonder who the hell had been making that mistake?

And although it's easy for insensitive cretins to make sophomoric jokes about all of this, we are fortunate to live in a society where serious issues are taken seriously by serious people. Like Beto O'Rourke, for instance...

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Okay, we've slightly exaggerated what he had to say, but we're not kidding about Beto's hot-blooded dedication to this issue. Just consider this actual tweet...


That's right, the Irishman who pretends to be Hispanic, who wants to confiscate guns, and who promises to take away the tax exempt status of churches has thrown his support behind the Menstrual Equity Act, which is surprisingly a real thing. We're not 100% sure what the goal of the Menstrual Equity Act is, but suspect it's intended to close the menstrual inequality gap between the poor and the rich. Or, in tampon terms, the "light day" versus the "supermax" crowd.

But enough foolishness. We certainly and sincerely support women's health and hygiene, and in good conscience can not mock National Period Day since we didn't mock men when they held National Skidmark Day.

Sorry! Sorry! That was another joke! But we're going to take a deep breath, square our shoulders, and make one more attempt to present this subject in a serious, adult manner...

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Hey, we tried.

Friday, October 18, 2019

Stand Up Guy

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For those of you keeping score, here's the story about Nancy Pelosi staging a highly choreographed walkout on the President, here's the story about there being twice as many illegal aliens in our country than were previously reported (and the number is still erroneously low), and here's the story in which scientists say that less neural activity translates to a longer life...which raises the terrifying possibility that Democrat freshman Alexandria Foccacia-Croutons may actually be immortal.

Frankly, we occasionally think about buying a loud shirt and a stylish hat and popping in front of a camera to do a stand-up comedy act about current news events (eons ago, we actually did stand-up comedy, albeit nothing political).

But video seems to be a young person's medium and, additionally, one that looks suspiciously like work. Moreover, Youtube seems pretty consistent about trying to bury anyone with a conservative viewpoint - let alone a politically incorrect sense of humor.

Still...someday...maybe...?

In the meanwhile, you may be seeing more of our brassy friend above from time to time...assuming that I can stuff him back in my Id afterwards.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

See Worthy News

In our sadly paternalistic culture, the voices of intelligent, independent women are still too little heard when it comes to serious discussion of the issues which confront and divide us.

Well, Stilton's Place won't put up with that sort of sexist crap! Which is why today is Ladies Day in the fast-moving, bareknuckle world of Internet journalism.

And for anyone who thinks we just felt lazy today and thought we could get away with posting pictures of bikini babes, we must remind you that these are "woke" times, and you should never just assume our agenda.
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Monday, October 14, 2019

Holiday Put On Ice

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"Columbus Day" is now widely called "Indigenous Peoples Day," and even more widely called "White Shame Day" because so few people can spell indigenous. In celebration of the day, liberal scolds will berate their fellow citizens for the unforgivable sin of stealing the heritage of native Americans...after which those same scolds will hurry off to an Elizabeth Warren rally.

Which shouldn't come as any surprise - after all, "Indignant-est People Day" is all about hypocrisy...

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BONUS: DASHES TO ASHES

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Just to make sure no one forgets their enthusiasm for fascism, House democrats like John Garamendi and Rashida Tlaib are now actively planning the logistics of grabbing "uncooperative" members of the Trump administration and throwing them into the House jail if they don't help with the ongoing coup attempt.

The existence of this mysterious prison was confirmed last May by Nancy Pelosi, who said "We do have a little jail in the basement of the Capitol, but if we were arresting all of the people in the administration, we would have an overcrowded jail situation. And I'm not for that."

Note that she's not against clapping her political enemies in jail without due process...she's just against overcrowding. Which may not be a problem depending on just what comes out of the nozzles in the shower room.

Friday, October 11, 2019

Fighting Fire with Firepower

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Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal has accurately labeled the current impeachment battle "World War Trump," and there's no way we can improve on that description...or deny it. Wars are messy things, and a lot of people and institutions get hurt. Collateral damage can be high. And all of the above is exactly what the Leftist politicians and media want.

President Trump has made it clear that he's not going to just roll over and assist the Democrats with their latest coup attempt. This fight is going to the courts and, quite possibly, the streets.

We're sick of it. This isn't what we want to write about or to live with. But neither can we ignore an absolutely unprecedented situation in which an attempted Presidential overthrow is being staged right in front of us.

And just try averting your eyes...you can't. Our culture is now experiencing a saturation bombing campaign of entirely specious non-stop messages about Trump being some kind of monster. Fox News and the Drudge Report have now largely fallen into lock step with the rest of mainstream media, which only adds to our sense of frustration and isolation.

We're not calling out these "news" sources because they're reporting stories we don't like, we're calling them out because their stories are all overhyped spin and bullshit. No wonder polls are showing growing support for the removal of the President - people are being force fed lies on a 24/7 basis. Without taking the initiative to dig deeper into stories or (God help us) actually use their heads, it's unsurprising that so many are coming to believe the relentless propaganda.

Make no mistake, this is much more than a skirmish over a President. It's a battle about the very nature of our Constitution, our freedoms, our way of life, and whether or not elections will ever again mean a damn in this country. The fact that those outcomes are currently unclear underscores what a perilous and historic point we're at.

There's simply no escaping "World War Trump," although we have a fantasy about a place safe from fake news, social media, and the ambitions of those who mean our nation harm. Some place to enjoy a little sanity until the fallout clears...

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And please, slap them hard. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

You're Getting Warmer

We're still sick of the impeachment story (although it's really heating up), we don't know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria, and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined "STUDY: Farmers Have The Most Sex," we didn't think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well, we could - but we'd take a sleazy approach and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

So in the interest of filling space, we're presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007: "100 Good Things About Global Warming." She turned it down immediately, said that the subject wasn't funny, shouldn't be joked about, and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops!

Frankly, we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated, sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it, and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.

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Back in 2007, it wasn't "climate change" yet.
• Penguins discover that when they're not shivering, they can fly after all.

• Kids can lay on their backs and make "dead grass angels" in the yard.

• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.

• Iceland will be renamed simply "Land."

• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.

• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.

• Never again hear the phrase: "Your food is getting cold."

• Eskimos' 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word "puddle."

• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.


• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.

• Santa's elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.

• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they've been "meaning to get to."

• "Seeing your breath" becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.

• New holiday TV specials like "The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas."

• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those "buried in paperwork."

• Never wince again when someone says "Ant-ar-tic" instead of "Ant-arc-tic."

• Hottentots will simply be called "Tots."

• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan "It's Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts."

• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.

• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.

• "Baked Alaska" promoted from dessert to state motto.


...and on and on and on. Yes, there really are 100 of these entries and now that we're reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all, it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left...and that would be the best "good thing about global warming" of all!

Note: All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg. 

Never steal things from a crazy man.

Monday, October 7, 2019

Punch & Judas Show

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The Drudge Report now informs us in giant red letters that a "2ND WHISTLEBLOWER COMES FORWARD," which pretty much proves...well...nothing at all. Because we already know that none of this stupid non-impeachment "impeachment process" is legitimate.

For all we know, and with memory of the Kavanaugh hearings still stuck in our craw, this new "whistleblower" may be claiming to have seen a youthful President Trump spiking punch bowls at parties, after which he steered helpless, drugged heads of state into a bedroom where he forced them to say dirty things about Joe Biden.

And we...don't...care.

The funny thing about credibility, as the Left has failed to notice, is that once it's gone you can't get it back. Which is why no number of Democrat-coached "whistleblowers" can impress us at this point... nor can they make us spend any more time blogging about it than we want to. Which ain't much.

Nope - the needle hasn't budged.
BONUS...

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In all seriousness, we're glad to see Bernie Sanders out of the hospital and apparently feeling better. We don't like his socialist fantasies, but we actually think he has more integrity (in a very tortured sense of the word) than many of his Democrat rivals. And he's way more hilarious to watch!

While we wish him no political success whatsoever, we wish the man himself well.

Friday, October 4, 2019

Phuket Friday

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, phuket, festival, piercing, religion, trump, impeachmentWith all of the aggravating news lately, we thought that it would be a good idea to devote today's blog to something more positive, uplifting, and spiritual. We're speaking, of course, about the 2019 Phuket Vegetarian Festival which is happening right now in Thailand. If you hurry, you can still catch it!

Among the various non-meat-eating events at the Festival, a particular crowd-pleaser sees celebrants parading through the streets with a variety of surprising objects jammed through their cheeks and mouths. While this may seem strange to Western eyes, there's actually a good reason for these ritualistic piercings: by impaling themselves, the worshippers draw bad luck away from the rest of the townspeople. Don't laugh - they think we're idiots for believing we can change the weather by making plastic straws taboo.
This joyful celebration reminds us of the rich variety of cultures across the globe, absolutely none of which are inferior to our own in any way, at least when it comes to sideshow-type entertainment value. And with that thought in mind, we'd like to see this colorful celebration imported to the United States. Specifically, we'd like to see it adopted by the many politicians and media types who are currently trying to overthrow the Presidency. Hey, their mouths are already wide open - and we'll happily chip in to help buy them scimitars, knitting needles, hand saws, harpoons, and post hole diggers!We're so enthusiastic about the idea that, every time we hear another fake news report or lying politician we loudly shout "Phuket!" at the television screen. Just ask our neighbors.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Hi Way to Hell

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He's also alleged to have dated a porn star named Misty Meener.
Remember Monday, when we said we don't really want to spend a lot of time hashing over the ongoing minutiae of the "impeachment" crap? Well, we weren't kidding. So here's a cartoon, and the Democrats and the media can go screw themselves. What we lack in subtlety, we make up for in brevity!

Meanwhile, with a sudden uptick in public appearances by Hillary Clinton, we're getting an uncomfortable feeling that - as we've predicted all along - the old biddy really might be preparing for a deus ex machina entrance into the 2020 Presidential race. She will claim that she's the only one who can beat Trump because "I did it once before!" (Note: we made that quote up, but we'd bet good money that you'll be hearing it from her withered lips before long).

With these thoughts in mind, and because Halloween decorating has entered our thoughts (hey, it's October!), we've created a singularly creepy piece of art that we call "waiting in the shadows"...

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Download a high-rez, printable version of this picture for Halloween by clicking this link!
As Count Floyd would say, "That's real scary, boys and girls! Ah-wooooo!"

Of course, the person who should be most scared of Hillary right now is the alleged "whistleblower" at the heart of the latest Trump coup attempt. Why? Because the actual accusations against the President won't hold water, but it would look pretty bad for Trump if the whistleblower suddenly had an "accident" of the kind that Hillary can probably arrange in her sleep by now.

Think about it: the whistleblower's statement is already on record, but a dead whistleblower can't be called before investigating committees or be forced to reveal the names of leakers and conspirators. It's a Democrat dream come true!

Such an event would cast just enough suspicion on Trump (with a big push from the media) that he would likely be unelectable. But could such a thing really happen? Well, it's already being reported that the whistleblower is under "federal protection" out of assassination fears...which sounds like journalistic "priming the pump" for a murder scenario which may have already been scripted.

Mind you, this is all wild ass speculation on our part...but anyone who isn't experiencing a bit of paranoia at this point just isn't paying attention.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Slay Your Prayers

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Nancy Pelosi has announced that she is both heartbroken and prayerful about her decision to aggressively move forward with impeachment, a serious process which, we're fairly certain, requires the House Speaker to fellate Satan. Which probably won't be a party for either of them.

If you think that analysis lacks subtlety, all we can say is: "get used to it." This is going to be, by design, a long and stultifying nightmare in which the Deep State uses every dirty trick imaginable to get rid of Donald Trump. And frankly, Stilton's Place is not anxious to spend the coming weeks and months wading through this fetid quagmire and calling out all the lies (and trust us, their name will be Legion).

All we can say for now is that we hope the Trump administration will fight back, and fight back hard. Like, Armageddon hard. Because this is now as pure a clash between good and evil as we're likely to see in our lifetimes. And, if we lose, the last such clash to ever be seen in this nation.

FROM THE VAULT: EASTERN DOUBLE STANDARD TIME

(Originally published June 14, 2019)


Friday, September 27, 2019

Schiff Faced

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There's a lot more truth in the attached cartoon than there was in the entirety of Democrat Adam Schiff's televised inquisition yesterday of Acting Director of National Intelligence, Joseph Maguire.

So eager was Schiff to give some momentum to the "impeach Trump" movement, he made an opening statement which was wall to wall lies of the most extreme type. And this while knowing full well the actual contents of President Trump's phone call to Ukraine's President (after Trump released an unredacted transcript) and the less-than-impressive "whistleblower's" complaint.

Here is the relevant portion of Schiff's opening statement. We will mark the utter, outright, and unforgivable lies - soon to be re-broadcast over and over on every mainstream news outlet - in red:


"The President’s response — well, it reads like a classic organized crime shake down. In essence, what the President Trump communicates is this: We’ve been very good to your country. Very good. No other country has done as much as we have. But you know what, I don’t see much reciprocity here. You know what I mean? I hear what you want. I have a favor I want from you though. And I’m going to say this only seven times, so you better listen good. I want you to make up dirt on my political opponent, understand? Lots of dirt, on this and on that. I’m going to put you in touch with people, and not just any people. I’m going to put you in touch with the Attorney General of the United States — my Attorney General, Bill Barr — he’s got the whole weight of American law enforcement behind him. And I’m going to put you in touch with Rudy, you’re going to love him. Trust me. You know what I’m asking, so I’m only going to say this a few more times, in a few more ways. And don’t call me again. I’ll call you when you’ve done what I asked."

Schiff had to make this garbage up and lie about it because the actual transcript contained nothing like this and suggested no wrongdoing whatsoever.

So outrageous were Schiff's lies that when others called him out on it, he reluctantly conceded that his paraphrasing of Trump's phone call might be considered "something of a parody." A PARODY?! In the prosecution's opening statement looking into only the fourth impeachment in our nation's history?! No, Adam, you weren't trying to make a joke...you were trying to get away with murder, albeit of the political kind.

In complete honesty, the recent impeachment-crazy news cycle has hit the Jarlsberg household hard and is causing us to do some serious thinking about our self-defense rights under the 2nd Amendment. That's not a road we enjoy going down.

The Left is throwing out any semblance of honesty or Constitutional process and has essentially declared war on Trump, his supporters, our economy, and our system of elections. We believe that the Trump administration needs to respond in kind- albeit legally, responsibly, quickly, and with unrelenting strength.

We have already seen one high-level coup attempt on this Presidency go unpunished. It must not happen a second time.

Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Call Waiting

stilton’s place, stilton, political, humor, conservative, cartoons, jokes, hope n’ change, trump, phone call, ukraine, biden, impeachment, hunter, greta thunberg

With all of the hot air currently circulating in Washington, it's a wonder that little Greta "How Dare You!" Thunberg isn't calling for a mass extinction of politicians before the icecaps melt.

There is feverish talk among Democrats of impeaching the President for the heinous and totally unacceptable sin of making a phone call to Ukraine's leader which they don't really know the contents of, but they're pretty sure must be treasonous because an anonymous whistleblower who hasn't heard the actual call says so. Plus, and this can't be overstated, Orange Man bad.

It is believed that during the phone call, Donald Trump asked the Ukrainians to look into allegations that Vice President Biden, while in office, improperly used governmental power and funds to force Ukraine to end a corruption investigation of the company that employed (by which we mean "stuffed his well-connected pockets with money") Biden's drug-using, widowed sister-in-law-banging son, Hunter.

By the way, these "allegations" were raised by Joe Biden himself, who actually bragged about his wrongdoing on camera. Because he is an idiot.

In any event, the Democrats want to impeach Trump for investigating Biden's self-admitted corruption, and they're hanging their hopes on the mysterious phone call reported by a "whistleblower." And they've been making a lot of theater out of the fact that the call's contents were "secret."

However Trump, being Trump, is releasing an unredacted transcript of the call in question today just to clear the air and, more importantly, screw with everyone's minds.

Where all of this will end up, we have no idea - but it's not unlikely that when the smoke clears, Trump will still be standing, Joe Biden will be forced out of the Presidential race, and Greta Thunberg will be blissfully forgotten.

LEFTOVERS...

Sometimes we have more than one possible way to go with a picture. Here's the one that came in second today...

"Wasn't he the boss on the Mary Tyler Moore Show?"

Monday, September 23, 2019

Climate Changelings

Last week, millions of teens took to the streets to protest climate change and demand, demand!, that God turn down the thermostat on the sun by a couple of degrees.

Just kidding! They actually want to ban plastic straws, hamburgers, fossil fuels, internal combustion engines, capitalism, and personal freedoms. This is because, according to 100% of scientists (Snopes verified it), man-caused global warming is causing rainforests and aboriginal people to burst into spontaneous flames, Miami to be submerged faster than Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure," and all life on Earth to be stone dead within 10 years. Well, except for cockroaches and Keith Richards.

The kids believe this because it's what they've been taught - in schools, on television, and on social media. And when we say "taught," we mean force fed like brainless captive geese who'll soon be donating their livers to paté.

With eons of climate cycles in the world's past, we're more than a little skeptical of the whole "man-caused climate change" narrative. But just to be on the safe side, we're addressing the issue with some 100% Earth-friendly recycled cartoons today.

Also, we're going to wrap our feet in plastic bags from the grocery store so that we won't leave carbon footprints.

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Kids, by all means try this at home!