The Nuts Who Say Knee

The latest shiny object in the news is the epic battle between President Donald Trump and millionaire athletes who "take the knee" during the national anthem as a protest against police, racial inequality, and the horrifying discovery of cotton in Hobby Lobby stores.

Donald Trump, in typical understated fashion, helped ramp things up by opining that any "son of a bitch" that takes the knee during the anthem should immediately be fired or suspended for showing disrespect to America. In rebuttal, more athletes started dropping to their knees (or linking arms), including both teams at an NFL exhibition game in London's Wembley Stadium ("Wembley," for those who don't know, is the british name for American football).

That game, between the Jaguars and Ravens, was a 44-7 blowout...demonstrating that at least one team should be more ashamed of its athletic ability than its country.

It's hard for us to get very worked up about all of this, as the political opinions of any entertainers don't concern us much - let alone entertainers who make their livings by absorbing repeated blows to the head.

Still, if it will restore peace and harmony to the NFL, we'd like to suggest a modest proposal: in predominantly black neighborhoods, replace the police with "special teams" units of football players wearing standard helmets and padding (no kevlar allowed) who will humanely subdue possibly-armed suspects by implementing an explosive blindside tackle, after which they can do a happy little ass-shaking dance while judges review tapes of the play.

And who knows - maybe one day, we'll see the whole thing come to Wembley Stadium when the "Thin Blue Linebackers" take on the "Pistol Packin' Perps." It would have to be a more entertaining game than the overpaid prima donnas of the Jaguars and Ravens put on last Sunday.

AND ON ANOTHER PLAYING FIELD...

Because Pre-Apocalyptic humor is the funniest kind.

The Nuts Who Say "Knee!"

This has been a public cervix announcement.

We can't comment on President Trump's address to Congress because it hasn't happened yet at the time of this writing. We predict, however, that the President will heap praise upon himself, outline a boldly vague agenda for restoring unbelievable swellness to America ("so, so swell that you'll get sick of swelling!"), and that the Democrats in attendance will find some new way to make complete asses of themselves.

But in the meanwhile, let us reflect on the fact that those on the Left now need to manufacture a Trump-related crisis every day, and the current one is a doozy: Kellyanne Conway put her knees on an oval office sofa, thereby leaving the Left shocked (shocked!) with her lack of respect for the office.

Mind you, these are the same idiots who didn't complain a bit when Monica Lewinsky's knees hit the carpet, and Bill Clinton's "precious bodily fluids" were shooting around that same oval office like a Red Bull-fueled paintball war. Even now, there's probably more of Bill's DNA in that room than there is in Chelsea.

Of course, while focusing on Kellyanne's knees, the mainstream media ignored what was actually happening in that photo: Donald Trump was meeting with the nation's black college presidents - which you'd think the Left would approve of if they actually gave a tinker's damn about either black people or education (spoiler alert: they don't).

Then again, the ever color-conscious Left may have simply assumed this was the cast and crew of "Moonlight" showing up to demand government reparations after the Academy Awards fiasco.