Killer Queen

In a recent interview with Charlie Rose, embittered loser Hillary Clinton advanced the idea that President Trump is no better than Vladimir Putin, and added "Hopefully he hasn't ordered the killings of people and journalists and the like."

Ironically, she made this statement only days after a blogger who created "fake news" during the election cycle and credited himself with helping Trump win was found dead as a doornail at age 38. Initial speculation is that he overdosed on prescription medication, which is easy to do when a sawed off shotgun is held to your head and you're ordered to keep swallowing pills.

Ignoring for the moment the huge likelihood that Hillary has personally ordered more killings than the Cosa Nostra, her murderous accusations about a sitting President of the United States are beyond despicable.

We'd say more, but we don't want to suddenly meet with a fatal "remodeling" accident.

BONUS: THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES

Yesterday the world lost Hugh Hefner, age 91, the creator of Playboy magazine, the Playboy philosophy, the Playboy mansion, and Most Valuable Player in the kickoff of the sexual revolution.

Playboy was a significant influence on many a young man back in its heyday, because it really was about more than just the nudie pictures - although what pictures they were! Modestly posed (by today's standards) with natural bodies of all shapes and sizes appealingly free of surgical enhancement.

It was only in later years, facing competition from raunchier fare like Penthouse and Hustler, that Playboy's photos turned more to (as Archie Bunker once said) the "groinecological."

But apart from the Playmates, any given issue of Playboy (and we're recalling back to the 70's here) had much else to offer. Yes, the interviews and articles really were top notch and not just filler. And for those of us who were into cartoons, Playboy was a little slice of heaven. The creepy stylings of Gahan Wilson, the exquisite line work of Shel Silverstein, Sokol, Rodriguez, and many more. And the delightful Mad-ness (pun fully intended) of "Little Annie Fanny" by Harvey Kurtzman and Will Elder.

We haven't looked at a current issue of Playboy in decades, but our fond memories linger on. And so we feel the loss of Hugh Hefner with genuine sadness as another little piece of a more innocent past flickers out.

Coincidentally, the day Hef died was also the day we finally threw out our waterbed. It will soon be replaced by something less hedonistic and more geriatric-friendly. Further proof that Time is a harsh mistress who doesn't have a staple in her belly button.

Jerry Skids

While it's unlikely that the Dallas Cowboys will be winning titles anytime soon, on Monday night they did succeed in rebranding themselves as the new Rockettes of Virtue Signaling by having the entire team, including owner Jerry Jones, come out and kneel on the field just before the playing of the national anthem.

They seemed to assume that as long as the anthem isn't playing, it's a perfectly good time for an entire franchise to shove their politics in fans faces while simultaneously declaring their hatred of the police (five of whom were brutally murdered in Dallas while protecting the rights of anti-police protesters) and their sneering disdain for what they perceive to be an unpleasantly patriotic President of the United States.

Jones claimed that the social justice curtsy was performed as a show of unity and solidarity - but unity with who and solidarity with what cause? No one seems to be quite sure at this point...but it's not really even important in an environment which now sees virtue signaling as more important than virtue itself.

And let's not forget how all of this nonsense started...

Following the death of Michael "Gentle Giant" Brown in Ferguson, the narrative was that this big, lovable lug was just ambling down the street when a foam-flecked racist white cop decided to execute him, perhaps with the intent of making a rug.

The actual facts showed that Brown had just committed a strong arm robbery and physical assault, then attacked the police officer and tried to grab his gun before attaining glorious martyrdom face down on the sizzling pavement.

The police officer was subsequently cleared of any wrongdoing (including by federal investigators who were doing their damnedest to find anything), but virtue signalers in politics, news, and entertainment kept doing the "hands up" boogie anyway, as surely as they're now taking the knee in furtherance of a lie that too many people - including the dimwitted Colin Kaepernick - still believe to be true.

Not that it's surprising: after all, Barack Obama DID stand in the well of the United Nations and declare that this incident alone made our nation the moral equivalent of the worst human rights offenders on Earth.

In actual fact, this whole stupid Kabuki act has far more to do with the lingering poison of social arsonist Barack Obama and the usual strident race-baiters than anything Donald Trump has done or said.

The good news is that in our low-attention span society, this will probably all pass within a week. The bad news is that something even dumber is likely to replace it.

BONUS: LEAST SURPRISING NEWS OF THE DAY

A new study (as if we didn't already have enough old studies) suggests that psychopaths prefer rap music to classical, which would tempt us to say "Duh!" if we weren't reticent about honking off psychopaths.

This information could be useful in case you're planning a party with an abundance of psychopaths on the list (say, a Democratic fundraiser) and are trying to decide whether your playlist should lean more heavily on "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik," or whatever popular wham-bam, kill the cops, f*ck the hoes, brain-damaged monosyllabic tribal chant is currently thudding out of oversized (and quite likely stolen) car speakers.

The Nuts Who Say Knee

The latest shiny object in the news is the epic battle between President Donald Trump and millionaire athletes who "take the knee" during the national anthem as a protest against police, racial inequality, and the horrifying discovery of cotton in Hobby Lobby stores.

Donald Trump, in typical understated fashion, helped ramp things up by opining that any "son of a bitch" that takes the knee during the anthem should immediately be fired or suspended for showing disrespect to America. In rebuttal, more athletes started dropping to their knees (or linking arms), including both teams at an NFL exhibition game in London's Wembley Stadium ("Wembley," for those who don't know, is the british name for American football).

That game, between the Jaguars and Ravens, was a 44-7 blowout...demonstrating that at least one team should be more ashamed of its athletic ability than its country.

It's hard for us to get very worked up about all of this, as the political opinions of any entertainers don't concern us much - let alone entertainers who make their livings by absorbing repeated blows to the head.

Still, if it will restore peace and harmony to the NFL, we'd like to suggest a modest proposal: in predominantly black neighborhoods, replace the police with "special teams" units of football players wearing standard helmets and padding (no kevlar allowed) who will humanely subdue possibly-armed suspects by implementing an explosive blindside tackle, after which they can do a happy little ass-shaking dance while judges review tapes of the play.

And who knows - maybe one day, we'll see the whole thing come to Wembley Stadium when the "Thin Blue Linebackers" take on the "Pistol Packin' Perps." It would have to be a more entertaining game than the overpaid prima donnas of the Jaguars and Ravens put on last Sunday.

AND ON ANOTHER PLAYING FIELD...

Because Pre-Apocalyptic humor is the funniest kind.