Oh, Baby

AND NOW, RANDOM COMMENTS ON THE NEWS FROM SOMEONE BARELY PAYING ATTENTION

• Joe Biden says he doesn't intend to take any cognitive tests because he can tell "the difference between an elephant and a lion." Based on that argument alone, we agree that additional testing is unnecessary.

• Following a devastating explosion in Beirut caused by Ammonium Nitrate, Joe Biden has contacted Lebanon to promise them that, if he is elected president, he will commit US troops to invade Ammonia.

• As of this week, the ACLU has filed nearly 400 lawsuits against the Trump Administration. They have also filed suit against UCLA for having a name that is potentially confusing to dyslectic anarchists.

• Trendsetters are claiming that "pineapples are the new pumpkins" for carving Jack O'Lanterns. Apparently because pineapple growers, not satisfied with screwing up pizza, now also want to screw up Halloween.

• Michelle Obama reports that she is suffering from "low-grade depression" owing to coronavirus, racial strife, and Donald Trump. Stilton's Place has started a Go Fund Me (And The Horse I Rode In On) page where donors can contribute toward a $15 goal to buy the former first lady a jug of Clan MacGregor and a tasteful STFU card.

• On Thursday, survivors of the Hiroshima atomic bomb blast gathered to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the event, which reminded us of two things: this old post from 2016, and what a complete POS Barack Obama is. No wonder Michelle is depressed...

Their tiny tanks never stood a chance.

Yesterday, Barack Obama confirmed plans to be the first sitting president to visit Hiroshima while wearing lead-shielded underpants.

His purpose is, by wild coincidence, to tell the world how awful nuclear proliferation is (except, say, in Iran) but he reportedly has no plans to specifically apologize for the bombs which ended World War II with impressive finality.

Still, his visit is seen internationally as an acknowledgment that America once did a very, very mean thing and, now that many young Americans have no freaking sense whatsoever of history, we feel just awful about it. Come here, Hiroshima - you need a hug!

By the way, as long as we've mentioned people being increasingly clueless about history, the link above goes to a story in US News & World Report which reports that we dropped a hydrogen bomb on Hiroshima on August 6th, 1945.  Which was a pretty good trick, considering that the first hydrogen bomb (1000 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb) was test-detonated seven years later in 1952.

But hey, why let little things like empirical facts and actual history spoil a story about what assholes we were back in the 1940s? And for that matter, why should those realities deter Barack Obama from his latest strident stop on the seemingly unending "blame America first" tour?

Oh, Chute

Remember me mentioning that I might be making minimal posts from time to time? This is one of those times! And please know that all is well - really! - other than in a time management sense. As some scholar once said: "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

But rather than leave this page empty, I'm sharing another ancient cartoon drawn by my Dad, from whom I inherited an appreciation for dark humor. Hopefully you'll enjoy it too!

There's Nothing Like a Damien

Proving once again that she has way, way too much time on her hands, Alexandria Ontario-Canadez is now complaining that a US Capitol Building statue of Father Damien, a Catholic priest who devoted his life to caring for the wretched residents of a leper colony in Hawaii before contracting and dying of the illness himself, represents "patriarchy and white supremacist culture."

The fact that Father Damien was a racist asshole no doubt comes as a shock to the Catholic church, which made him a saint, as well as to Hawaiian historians who are aware that Hawaii's Princess Lili'uokalani visited the leper colony on Molokai to personally honor the selfless priest. In 2009, then-governor of Hawaii Linda Lingle proclaimed October 11 to be Saint Damien Day, to celebrate a man who "remains a spiritual hero and an icon of love, compassion, courage, humility and humanitarian service."

None of which, in AOC's unforgiving eyes, excuses him for being white.

NAME GAME

Joe "Who's Joe Biden?" Biden will reportedly name his choice for a VP candidate sometime this week. Or maybe next week.

Okay, the timetable is fuzzy but he's got a reminder written in bold, block letters on a Post-it note so it will definitely happen pretty soon. Probably.

Insider speculation is that his choice is most likely to be Senator Kamala Harris. Insider speculation is also that the announcement has been delayed because he keeps mistakenly calling her "cameltoe."

UPRIGHT POSITION

According to newly-released documents, Bill Clinton did indeed spend time on Jeffrey Epstein's so-called "Pedophile Island" in the company of "young girls."

The former president, fabled hound dog, and pathological liar has adamantly denied any wrongdoing, shaking his stink-finger for emphasis. According to unconfirmed sources, Slick Willy has said "If I ever was on the island, and I'm not saying I was, it would have been because of my  well-documented interest in gardening." When pressed to be more specific, Clinton replied "deflowering."