No Year is a New Year Anymore

My sentiments about entering a new year are somewhat less than enthusiastic because it's a virtual certainty that A) 90% of the new year will be the same crap as last year, and B) 10% will be a lot worse. And without that feeling of a fresh beginning, it struck me that "no year is a 'new' year anymore."

At which point the spirit of Guy Lombardo violently entered my body (I won't be able to ride my unicycle for a week) and when I awakened I found I'd somehow written the lyrics to a big band song. And thanks to AI, which was apparently possessed by Lombardo's Royal Canadians, I give you this new holiday anthem (closed captions recommended to savor the cynicism)...

And what a year it's going to be! Looking into my crystal ball (it's the one on the left)...

I predict the most screwed-up Presidential election in history coming. And I'm not talking about U.S. history - I'm talking history of the universe.

I predict the economy will appear to do pretty well until November, propped up by freshly printed and utterly worthless dollars. Unless, of course, the whole shooting match finally collapses.

I predict that the United States will have to borrow money from China to give to Ukraine.

I predict that AI will morph into something we can't even imagine at the moment and will embed itself inextricably in the world's cultural and business DNA, more or less like the damn spike proteins the mRNA "not-actually-vaccines" filled most of us with.

I predict that Anthony Fauci will have a really bad day if he crosses the street in front of my car.

I predict no successful new movies from Disney in 2024 or possibly ever again.

I predict that rather than risking stairs anymore, Joe Biden will be treated as cargo on Air Force One.

I predict a fun-to-watch continuation of liberal cannibalism as the woke Left devours its own people for not being woke enough. 

I predict that virtually every high-profile a**hole will continue to thrive, enjoying the fruits of their power and corruption and go unpunished for their wrongdoing.

I predict that honest peasants such as ourselves will be increasingly punished for right-doing using digital surveillance in increasingly invasive ways.

I predict ongoing delight from the friendships and camaraderie at Stilton's Place! Best wishes for the new year!

Christmas 2023

Click picture for larger size

The news may be grim, but we'll be damned if we're not going to at least try to put a smile on your face this Christmas! And who better to make that happen than America's favorite sugarplum, Busty Ross!

It would be indiscreet of us to mention what parts of Miss Ross shake "like a bowlful of jelly" when she laughs, but we'll admit to working a lot of Christmas-themed jokes into office conversation lately. For instance,  "How much did Santa's sleigh cost?" Answer: "Nothing, it was on the house!"

Sadly, Miss Ross didn't bust out laughing. So to speak.

Let me try again... "Hey, Busty! What do angry mice send each other in December? Cross mouse cards!!!"

Wow. Tough room. But Merry Christmas to all of you! -Stilt

BONUS: Speaking of shaking things up for Christmas, this should do the job nicely!

Book 'Em, Santa

In this crazy, fast-moving, high-tech world of entertainment devices, isn't it nice to know that the very best gift to give a child at Christmas is still a good old-fashioned picture book?

And I emphasize "old-fashioned" because the new generation of picture books is a one-way ticket to Hell. Don't believe me? Then check out these actual picture books from Amazon...

Okay, to be fair none of these books are intended to fall into the hands of actual children. Rather, they're parodies of children's books aimed at adults - and I'd be hypocritical if I didn't admit that a number of these titles made me laugh. 

I'd also be a hypocrite if I didn't say that seeing all of these has me thinking that I may be just a pseudonym away from starting to publish some of these of my own in 2024. Many of these books are selling like crazy, and it's not like I don't already have a disturbed sense of humor...

My apologies to the long-gone artist currently turning over in his grave

And not to seem crass, but I suppose this is as good a place as any to remind you that there's still time to order giftable editions of my books Johnny Optimism Volume One, Volume Two, and Volume Three ("Home for the Horrid Days") from Amazon. Or for the wordplay lover on your list, the fun cartoon book co-written with my beloved wife, Kathy, "The Skin of a Hen's Teeth."

I have also written a lot of real children's books over the years and can say in complete seriousness that I still consider well-done books to be among the very best gifts you can give children. I was certainly influenced by the many beautiful picture books I received as a child (and still cherish today).

Although you may or may not take that as a good endorsement considering how I've turned out.