Gone But Not Forgiven

This past week, I have found myself in the uncomfortable position of having to decide whether I'm a hypocrite or an asshole. And the verdict is that I'm not a hypocrite.

The situation is this: for years I've had a Bucket List somewhat different than that of most people. Visiting Paris? Climbing a pyramid? Swimming with dolphins? Nope. My list consists entirely of people whom I want to see kick the bucket before I do. Being on the list seems to bring no harm to those named, as they tend to cling to life like withered Democrats who refuse to give up office after half-centuries or more of (ahem) "service."

But even the occasional scratch-off Lotto ticket produces a small win from time to time, and several days ago I learned that the person at the top of my Bucket List is not long for this world. Indeed, this person may be room temperature by the time you read this, though I wouldn't expect that condition to last long if you take my drift.

Something I should make clear: I struggle with grief every day and I would never want anyone to suffer. But dropping dead? Well, we all do it eventually, which seems like a waste of effort if no one is made happy. 

In this case, the individual is a lawyer who made my life miserable for years. A person who cost me and my family tens of thousands of dollars (and perhaps significantly more) while actively trying to sabotage my career for no discernible reason. This person was also not a very good lawyer and cost their (and my) employer literally millions of dollars in lost court cases. 

But as is too often the case, this lawyer continued to fail upward into other positions, some of national prominence and newsworthy incompetence. This person even did a TED talk about the secret of success: "being nice to the little people." A sentiment so far from their actual behavior that I'm amazed a lightning bolt didn't strike then and there.

Still, I'm not a heartless bastard. I have human feelings and strive to find forgiveness for those who have not only trespassed against me but taken a steaming dump while they were on my lawn. Which is why as a peace offering, I wrote the following song to commemorate this sad occasion.

Sorry, that was a typo. I meant sadly delayed occasion.

That lead singer sure is a good-looking guy...

Presidunce Day

Alexei Navalny, a political critic of Vladimir Putin, died in a Russian prison this week owing to "Sudden Death Syndrome," which is more commonly known as "Political Critic of Vladimir Putin Syndrome." Bloody-knuckled prison guards huddled over Navalny's spontaneously bruised body but were unable to save him.

Meanwhile, in New York, former President Donald Trump, a political critic of Joe Biden, suffered an attack of "Sudden Bankruptcy Syndrome" inflicted by a judge so astoundingly and nakedly corrupt that he's presumably topping Biden's list of Supreme Court nominees in case Joe succeeds in stealing another election.

Let's be clear: the judge has ordered Trump to pay a fine of almost 500 million dollars after convicting him of a crime that never happened and had no victims. The "victim," in fact, spoke in Trump's defense and said that the financial transaction in question was legit, standard practice, and made a lot of money for the bank that gave Trump a loan and they'd be eager to do similar transactions in the future.

For this, the judge - who bears a striking resemblance to Bob Denver from "Gilligan's Island" - smeared Trump for showing a "pathological lack of remorse" for the non-crime in which no one was harmed.

One is a clumsy goofball who gets nothing right. The other is Gilligan.

But hey, such an obviously ridiculous verdict should be an easy appeal, right? Wrong. Because Trump can't appeal the case without first putting the $500 million into escrow and even he doesn't have that kind of walking around money. But since banks love to do business with him, he can borrow it. Just kidding! The judge also ruled that Trump can't do any business in New York for three years, which eliminates access to most major banking institutions. And, by design, may eliminate Trump from the November election.

All of this puts us in a situation where our nation has become no more than a banana republic. The "law" is being used to eliminate anyone who opposes the corrupt power structure in Washington. Our votes mean nothing. Our freedom of speech has been canceled. Our Constitution is in flames.

But apart from all that, Mrs. Lincoln, Happy Presidents Day!

FROM THE VAULT

I won't lie - I love this cartoon.

YOU'VE GOT TO PAY THE DUES...

...if you want to sing the Blues. And as far as I'm concerned two weeks (and counting) of Covid and the general political malaise in the world are all the dues I need. Which is why I used aritifical intelligence to create yet another song. I wrote the lyrics, but legendary singer Cigar Box Jenkins brought it to life.

Want to download an MP3 of the song? Just click this link.

Snack Attack

On Superbowl Sunday, Joe Biden's handlers decided that he shouldn't do a live interview during the game fearing that it could make him look like a senile nincompoop. So instead, they aired a professionally produced message for the American people in which Biden looked like a senile nincompoop.

Astoundingly, in unusually terse fashion, Joe pulled back the curtains to reveal the evil conspiracy that is playing Americans for (and we quote) "suckers." Specifically, the tendency of the Big Snack industry to charge us the same money for giving us fewer chips, crackers, and cookies in each package.

Mind you, this shouldn't be confused with Biden's inflation which has skyrockets prices across the board. No, this is "shrinkflation" which is, well, exactly the same thing. Only this isn't Biden's fault, it's the fault of the America-hating robber barons! But who are these traitors? Joe isn't afraid to say!

Buy stock now before their lawsuit settlements come in

These are some of the bastards singled out by the White House (with a Presidential Seal looming over their products no less) for ripping off consumers and treating them as "suckers." Products that are even now mobilizing their ecstatic legal departments. The frigging Keebler elves, Gatorade, Pepperidge Farm, Nabisco, Breyers, and Lays - all giving you less product just because your money isn't worth as much since Biden took office.  And are those really "Double Stuf" Oreos or are they "Stuf and Three-Quarters" Oreos?! Fightin' Biden is on your side!

Joe was especially angry that ice cream containers are getting smaller, because that's apparently a message his handlers want us to know he deeply cares about. Although the message we're mostly getting is that Joe's handlers have decided to let him look like a complete idiot so they can finally get rid of him. 

FUN WITH COVID

I'm glad to report that I'm well on my way to apparent recovery from my first dance with Fauci's Folly, though am still mildly symptomatic on Day 10. It hasn't been that hard on me, I'm relieved to say. Oh, I still honk like a trumpeter swan when coughing, but that's just my innate musicality.

The social isolation hasn't been too bad, what with me being a hermit anyway. But I still take it as a personal affront that this manmade illness finally got me - and surely will again.  And again.

HAPPY VD - FROM THE VAULT