North To "I'll Blast Ya"

North Korea has apparently managed to miniaturize nuke warheads to the point that they'll fit into ICBMs way sooner than the "experts" expected (the same "experts" who assure us that Barack Obama's buddies in Iran are far from finishing their nukes), and a vacationing Donald Trump has declared that if Kim Jung Un doesn't quit screwing around, he'll be "met with fire and fury like the world has never seen."

Considering that there aren't many funny things we can say about this (the cartoon above quite likely being proof), we present an even more surreal than usual edition of Earwigs...

BONUS: REMODEL PRISONER

Our first two days of renovation went pretty well in stately Jarlsberg manor. On day one, a small army of workmen enthusiastically ripped everything out of our master bathroom. And we mean everything...

Tuesday, after some extended jackhammering, ripping, and rending, a carpenter roughed in the "pony wall" which will define the boundaries of our new shower stall (rising from that area where a Russian periscope is currently peering out of a hole in the ground), and on Wednesday we think there's a plumber coming to do something unknown which will almost certainly be noisy and expensive and keep us from being able to use toilets anywhere in the house.

We'd say more, but Happy Hour has just arrived without a second to spare.

Nobody Knows The Rubble I've Seen

Okay, we'll admit it - we're just using the story of Kim Jung Un's latest threat to "end the USA" as a segue into our talking about the renovations on the Jarlsberg mansion which are beginning today with the disconcertingly named "demolition phase."

The overall plan for our home renovation will involve destroying and rebuilding pretty much everything except the master bedroom (giving us a place to live for the next couple of months). So today, workmen are destroying the master bathroom so that it can be rebuilt first - thereby giving the Jarlsberg family a place to pee, poop, and shower (hopefully not all at the same moment) while the rest of the house is getting the wrecking ball.

We've already been inundated by a million little choices - each one of which strikes us as offering infinite room for error. Faucets, shower hardware, senior grab bars, tiles, granite slabs, light fixtures and toilets to name just a few things. And by the way, even picking out toilets is harder than we would have thought: it seems that besides all of the other features toilets now boast (pee vs. poop power flush options, heated bidet jets, self-closing "no slam" seats, LED lights, bluetooth speakers and wi-fi) they come in two basic shapes: an extended oval bowl, or a tinier circular bowl.

This is not an inconsequential difference for those of us who appreciate the extra space afforded by the larger bowl (we have metaphorically referred to this as wanting all of our fishing tackle to fit in the boat) yet we have been informed in no uncertain terms that of the three toilets being replaced, only one can be man-sized. Although any of the three would still work for Obama.

But enough about that - we mainly just wanted to make the official announcement that over the coming weeks Stilton's Place is likely to contain a significant amount of personal venting about the questionable joys of remodeling along with our usual sporadic commentary on whatever is passing for news.

We hope you'll enjoy the ride!

By the way, they HATE it when you do this in the toilet showrooms.

Statue of Limitations

In a truly delicious exchange in the White House briefing room, CNN "reporter" Jim Acosta proved himself to be a complete and utter ass when attempting to challenge Trump senior policy advisor Stephen Miller on proposed changes to our immigration laws.

Miller basically mopped up the floor with the self-righteous and thoroughly ignorant Acosta, and if you haven't seen it you really need to click that link.

The revised immigration policy would give preference to applicants who can speak English (ie, assimilate) and who have actual job skills beyond the ability to breed. In an earlier time, this would have been called "common sense."

But the thoroughly offended Acosta angrily maintained that poetry trumps policy (no pun intended), citing the Emma Lazarus poem "The New Colossus" which is found at the base of the Statue of Liberty and, as we vaguely recall, proclaims that the really best immigrants are tired, poor, wretched, tempest-tost (sic), disease ridden (sick), drug mules, potential terrorists, rapists and pedophiles. All of which leads us to guess that Lazarus was no stranger to the bottle.

Acosta did not, however, seem to have a problem with the fact that the poem can only be read by those who speak English - whom we'll continue to invite through that golden door.

BONUS: TGIF

You're welcome. And yes, that's really her.