Confrontation with Naive Americans

We're going to let the visuals carry most of the load today, owing to the extraordinarily stupid nature of this whole darn story. It begins with some Catholic kids visiting Washington DC to learn how our national capital works. And boy, did they!

The most credible of the many versions floating around is that a group of kids from Covington Catholic High School suffered extensive verbal abuse from protesters in Washington (including from some black protesters calling a black Covington student a "nigger" and screaming that his white friends would someday "steal your organs") then, as long as everyone else was making noise, they asked their school chaperone if they could shout out a few innocent school cheers.

Into this mess steps a tom-tom thumping Native American (and  long-term liberal activist) who marches up into the face of a MAGA-hat wearing kid who...(trigger warning: this gets pretty damn graphic!)...smiles back at the man. Oh, the humanity!

Seriously, that's all that happened. But it was plenty enough to send the news services and social media (but we repeat ourselves) into paroxysms of outrage. Theoretically, the "smirking" young Trump lover somehow dissed the Native American Drummer Boy...causing the world to go nuts.

Some social media loudmouths called for a school shooter to massacre the students at Covington Catholic High School (and indeed, the school had to be closed yesterday as police encircled the building). But there were also some milder threats...

A Saturday Night Live writer offered to fellate anyone who punched the innocent Catholic kid in the face. We're pretty sure that making such an offer is an overt criminal act (maybe two or three of them), but does give us a pretty good idea of the skill set that (ahem) "writers" bring to SNL auditions, resulting in absolutely humorless shows.

And because the drum-thumping Native American claims that some kids were chanting "build the wall" (which, in hindsight, a lot of Native Americans probably wish they'd done around 1491), the news incorporated that angle into the story too...

It's true! A Republican legislator from Arizona came up with the idea of charging people $20 each to unlock porn filters on their phones, and then using the money to build the wall. And frankly, it's not the worst idea that we've heard. No, that would have to be this one...

See what we did there?

Wading face-first into this sticky controversy, Stormy "For Two Bucks I'll Throw in a Handi-Wipe" Daniels said that an electrified wall should be built around the Covington Catholic school to keep "disgusting punks" who believe in making America great again and the sanctity of life from interacting with decent people like lying, contract-breaking, dollar bill-grabbing, sperm bank "night deposit" sluts and their crooked sleaze-ball attorneys.

And because Stormy is still considered a Progressive feminist heroine by women whose highest aspiration is apparently to somehow become a sex object used for the sick pleasure of anyone with a sawbuck (ie, a writer for "Saturday Night Live"), her opinion would have carried a lot of weight...had the dimwitted "flavor of the month" not also had something apocalyptic to say:

In the distinctive words of Ms. Dysplasia-Vortex, "Millenials and people in Gen Z and all these folks that come after us are looking up and we're, like, the world is gonna end in 12 years if don't address climate change! Your biggest issue [editor's note - she's referring to actual grown-ups], your biggest issue is how are (we) going to pay for it? - and, like, this is the war! This is our World War II! And I think younger people looking at this are more, like, how are we saying let's take it easy when the end person died from our cruel and unjust criminal justice system?!"

Okay, we're not positive her statement categorically proves that the world is coming to an end in 12 years, but it sure as hell suggests that the electoral system which put her in Congress is officially on life support.

Taken together, there's a lot to think about when connecting all of the stories above. And since those on the Left aren't particularly gifted when it comes to "thinking," we're going to helpfully boil all of this down to a simple truism:

You progressives have no chance of beating President Donald Trump in 2020 until you can demonstrate that your whole damn party isn't at least marginally more sane than he is. At the moment, that's not looking likely to happen.

Noose Reports

Today's commentary is simply a slice of life observation, to which we'll add the observation that "slice" and "life" are usually only mentioned together in crime reports.

When perusing the news for anything that was actually interesting, we couldn't find squat - but were stopped in our tracks when we encountered the online headline "World's Cutest Dog Dies of Heartbreak." And no, we didn't read the story nor are we providing a link (though it's easy enough to find) because we're aghast - albeit sardonically amused - that such a story is even out there for people to willingly click on. Presumably for those folks who weren't already feeling suicidal enough.

Granted, we shouldn't be hypocritical enough to suggest that this story doesn't speak to our own decidedly sick sense of humor. For instance, we couldn't help but think of how this situation would be handled in our other strip, Johnny Optimism...

Not that there was NO weekend news worth making fun of. There were multiple Women's March events around the country, with pussy hat-wearing femmes carrying consciousness-raising signs like "Welcome to the Bitchdom," "Tits Over Toupees," "Pussy is God," "Women Don't Owe You Shit," "Sex Work is Work," and the wordy but highly provocative "More people died from lettuce last year than immigrants!"

And by highly provocative, we of course mean "jaw-droppingly stupid." Because our research indicates that about a dozen people died from eating E. coli tainted lettuce, while about 5400 Americans were murdered by illegal aliens. There were also about 12,000 sex crimes committed by illegal aliens, compared to none for any salad components. Although a cucumber or two might have been unwillingly victimized.

Fortunately for the marching women, the editorial staff of Buzzfeed kept them from looking like the biggest nincompoops of the weekend by running a wholly unsubstantiated "inside story from the Mueller investigation" attacking Trump (surprise!) which fueled heated impeachment talk from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, and MSNBC until Mueller himself stepped forward to say that the story was complete and utter "fake news."
A statement which cheered us up, but was presumably too late to save the grief-stricken cutest dog in the world. Nice going, Buzzfeed.

Free Association Friday

Today we introduce a special feature called "Free Association Friday," in which we comment on whatever the heck is tumbling around inside our noggin. This will provide us the opportunity to examine stories which may not be in the mainstream, as well as to fill space on slow news days without resorting to posting bikini babes twice within a week.

• In looking at the BRIGHT RED HEADLINES on Drudge asking "Did Trump Bribe Drudge Poll?" we find ourselves shaking our heads for the umpteenth time about what passes for news these days. In the story, sleazeball attorney Michael Cohen is accused of paying a firm to skew the results of a CNBC poll and a Drudge poll to make Trump look better- but the firm wasn't able to do it, and Cohen subsequently gave the PR flacks only a small amount of the money they were promised, plus (inexplicably) a boxing glove.

As nearly as we can tell, no one was "bribed," the polls weren't swayed, and who the Hell cares about (or believes in) the accuracy of online polls anyway? Besides being an entirely non-criminal act, it's also unforgivably boring.

• We are currently reviewing an updated version of our Last Will and Testament, and it's even less fun than doing taxes. The legal language is just as convoluted and baffling, plus every sentence is describing some horrible scenario we'd rather not think about. "In the event that you have died horribly and your rotting corpse is being nibbled on by maggots and your spouse has descended into drooling incompetency with a life consisting of alternately screaming and having spectacular bathroom accidents, how many years should your drug-dependent descendant be deemed "clean" by a certified drug rehab program before receiving any of the money you were too dumb to enjoy before kicking the bucket?"

Even worse, it's important to only review important legal documents while cold sober. Not that we believe Nancy Pelosi ever has.

• We are trying to make peace with our recently purchased "Smart TV," but it's an uphill battle. Because in our experience, "smart" devices seem intentionally designed to make us feel dumb. The 55" 4K television has an astoundingly sharp picture, fully capable of making epic films look like they're being played out on live security cameras. The sound is about what you'd expect from one-inch, bottom-firing speakers (or tin cans connected with a string), but you can easily upgrade the audio by adding an expensive sound bar which plays everything slightly out of synch, making an old episode of The Office seem like a poorly dubbed Godzilla movie. The Smart TV also has buttons which take you to hundreds of Internet channels which apparently originate in The Twilight Zone. Seriously, what the heck is this stuff, where is it coming from, and how can we make it go away?!

In our aforementioned Will, we plan to leave this TV to someone we don't like.

• In the Jarlsberg household, debate rages about whether it's more relaxing to watch cysts being drained on Youtube (yes, we subscribe to the Dr. Pimple Popper channel), or savoring some good ingrown toenail surgery (we also subscribe to the Toe Bro channel). In complete honesty, we find both to be relaxing (especially just before bed, viewed in our Oculus Go VR goggles) and less disgusting than the average news broadcast. Warning: the links above are real, and the one with the cyst should not be clicked while having any sort of gravy-based meal.

• And finally, we think it's freaking hilarious that President Trump cancelled Nancy Pelosi's overseas jaunt on a military aircraft at the last minute as an act of transparent payback for her attempts to force him to cancel the upcoming State of the Union address. What his move lacks in class, it more than makes up for in style points!