Endorse You Rode In On

This was even harder for him to say than "radical Islam."

The big moment that virtually no one was waiting for finally happened yesterday, when Barack "Sorry about using all the N95 masks" Obama officially endorsed Joe "Where am I?" Biden for President of the United States.

Obama gave the endorsement in a 12-minute video posted to Joe Biden's Youtube account. Or at least, we're told by media outlets like NPR and CNN that the endorsement was in there somewhere, because we'd rather go into an emergency room and have total strangers cough spittle directly in our face for 12 minutes than spend that much time listening to a skeevy America-hating douchebag that we've already had our fill of.

Biden himself, sequestered at home with padlocks on the outside of his doors, is dividing his time between selecting a female VP candidate ("We need someone with a...um...whatchamacallit. Damn. No, wait! Virginia!") and excitedly trying to catch a bright red dot being projected by a laser pointer scotch-taped to a slow-moving ceiling fan.

Meanwhile, out in the real world (which you may not have recognized since it's wearing a homemade mask)...

Tip of the hat to Mrs. J for this one!

There is still an inherent tension between Dr. Anthony Fauci's understandable desire to extend Covid19 lockdown measures, and President Trump's understandable desire to restart the economy before our national house of financial cards collapses. And that's fine - it's a complex issue which isn't going to have a simple answer.

What really concerns us is the mainstream media's ongoing attempts to drive a wedge between the two men, reporting gossip and planting false rumors, just to cause trouble. While this kind of crap is sadly normal in normal times, these are anything but normal times. This sort of juvenile game-playing during a time of severe national medical crisis amounts to attempted sabotage which could cost lives.

Which is why it's more important than ever to ignore the purveyors of fake news and, if at all possible, to try to convince them that plastic laundry bags can be used as personal protective masks.

Glass Half-Assed Full

We thought it was high time for the cartoon above, which is intended to lift the spirits of those who only see the unpleasant side of plague, famine, and the looming risk of societal collapse. Remember, every dark cloud has a silver lining - although what looks like a silver lining is frequently a lightning bolt with your name on it.

Still, we can take heart from the many examples of families who are doing just fine while under lockdown...

BONUS: SHOP AT HOME WITH MORE SPENSIVE GIFTS!

Here are some more poorly-xeroxed items from our 30 year old "Spenser Gifts" catalog parody. The longer self-isolation goes on, the more you're going to actually want to buy one or more of these items...

Crash and Bern

On Wednesday, Democratic Socialist and petulant scold Bernie Sanders announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign owing to the fact that, within the last few weeks, his entire agenda for America had been successfully realized.

"The government is emptying the prisons, spending trillions in make-believe money, and locking up churches while making sure Planned Parenthood stays open," explained Sanders. "I keep pinching myself just to be sure this isn't just some kind of wonderful dream!"

In a nod to his roots, millionaire Sanders plans to bring a number of young Jewish people to one of his three homes and turn it into a kibbitz, "Which is like a kibbutz, only I just watch everyone else work and tell them what they're doing wrong."

Presumed Democratic presidential nominee, Joe Biden, could not be reached for comment because he's farting in a bathtub and giggling about the bubbles.

UPDATE:

Although Bernie has "suspended" his campaign, he's not taking his name off the ballot in upcoming primaries, and he's not releasing the delegates he has nor the ones he might subsequently win. His goal is to head into the convention with enough clout that he can force Biden to adopt Sanders' far-left policies.

According to the Wall Street Journal,"The only thing that would make (the Sanders camp) support Mr. Biden is his agreement to meet their demands, which include endorsing the Green New Deal, Medicare for All, a 50% reduction in prison populations, a wealth tax, cancellation of student debt, free undergraduate tuition in public institutions, abolishing the filibuster, packing the Supreme Court, federal gun licensing, and abortion subsidized by federal taxpayers."

None of which should present much of a problem for Biden, who will happily (and unintelligibly) voice enthusiastic support for whatever nonsense is written on his cue cards.

FROM THE EASTER BASKET (OBAMA YEARS): HE DYED FOR YOU

Yes, that's the actual "crucified Easter Bunny" artwork that your taxes paid for.

Easter is a day when people stop to reflect on the importance of faith, morality, and responsibility in their lives and ask: "What would Jesus do?"

And the answer, according to the Obama White House, is push-ups. Jesus would do lots and lots of push-ups. Or at least this seems to be the thinking at the 2015 White House Easter Egg Roll being held today (Sunday was reserved, of course, for golfing) which has once again been turned into a fitness event.

Picking one of the lesser known passages from the Bible, the event's theme is "Gimme Five," and will feature healthy eating tips, cooking demos, and activities which will "encourage children to lead healthy, active lives in support of the First Lady's Let's Move initiative."

To make sure the 35,000 attendees don't forget the true meaning of the day, the official (and safely inedible) White House Easter Eggs each carry a portrait of the Easter Bunny wearing running shorts and a sweat band...which is a lot like a crown of thorns, only washable.

On the flip side of the eggs, a few words are inscribed to give comfort, strength, and a renewed sense of faith in these troubled times. The words are: "Barack Obama" and "Michelle Obama." And in the spirit of eternal sellvation, you can buy the official set of five eggs for $29.99. Which means you'll get a penny back from your 30 pieces of silver.

Predictably, some people are annoyed that the White House has taken one of the most sacred days on the Christian calendar and turned it into an entirely secular jazzercise class. But out of journalistic integrity, Hope n' Change won't pass judgement on the Obamas quite yet.

First, we want to see if they ask any of the guests at this year's White House Ramadan celebration to do squat thrusts.