Fighting Fire with Firepower

Daniel Henninger of the Wall Street Journal has accurately labeled the current impeachment battle "World War Trump," and there's no way we can improve on that description...or deny it. Wars are messy things, and a lot of people and institutions get hurt. Collateral damage can be high. And all of the above is exactly what the Leftist politicians and media want.

President Trump has made it clear that he's not going to just roll over and assist the Democrats with their latest coup attempt. This fight is going to the courts and, quite possibly, the streets.

We're sick of it. This isn't what we want to write about or to live with. But neither can we ignore an absolutely unprecedented situation in which an attempted Presidential overthrow is being staged right in front of us.

And just try averting your eyes...you can't. Our culture is now experiencing a saturation bombing campaign of entirely specious non-stop messages about Trump being some kind of monster. Fox News and the Drudge Report have now largely fallen into lock step with the rest of mainstream media, which only adds to our sense of frustration and isolation.

We're not calling out these "news" sources because they're reporting stories we don't like, we're calling them out because their stories are all overhyped spin and bullshit. No wonder polls are showing growing support for the removal of the President - people are being force fed lies on a 24/7 basis. Without taking the initiative to dig deeper into stories or (God help us) actually use their heads, it's unsurprising that so many are coming to believe the relentless propaganda.

Make no mistake, this is much more than a skirmish over a President. It's a battle about the very nature of our Constitution, our freedoms, our way of life, and whether or not elections will ever again mean a damn in this country. The fact that those outcomes are currently unclear underscores what a perilous and historic point we're at.

There's simply no escaping "World War Trump," although we have a fantasy about a place safe from fake news, social media, and the ambitions of those who mean our nation harm. Some place to enjoy a little sanity until the fallout clears...

And please, slap them hard. 

You're Getting Warmer

We're still sick of the impeachment story (although it's really heating up), we don't know enough about foreign affairs to opine intelligently on the situation in Syria, and although the Drudge Report had a promising story headlined "STUDY: Farmers Have The Most Sex," we didn't think we could build a whole blog post out of it. Well, we could - but we'd take a sleazy approach and we don't really want to honk off people who use pitchforks professionally.

So in the interest of filling space, we're presenting you with a taste of an actual book project we submitted to our New York literary agent back in 2007: "100 Good Things About Global Warming." She turned it down immediately, said that the subject wasn't funny, shouldn't be joked about, and stopped sending us Christmas cards. Oops!

Frankly, we still like the idea and might self-publish the book someday if we get really bored. Every page would be richly illustrated, sane people would get a much-needed laugh out of it, and that pissy little Greta Thunberg would probably try to strangle us with her braids.

Back in 2007, it wasn't "climate change" yet.

• Penguins discover that when they're not shivering, they can fly after all.

• Kids can lay on their backs and make "dead grass angels" in the yard.

• Eskimos will be warm enough to rub a lot more than noses.

• Iceland will be renamed simply "Land."

• Avalanches will only bury people up to their ankles.

• The Abominable Snowman will become just another abominable guy.

• Never again hear the phrase: "Your food is getting cold."

• Eskimos' 39 different words for snow can be replaced with the single word "puddle."

• Debate over whether any two snowflakes are identical comes to an end.

• Jack Frost stops nipping at your nose, switches to spying on you in your swimsuit.

• Santa's elves can take off their heavy coats and go back to being leprechauns.

• With no need to hibernate, bears finally catch up on chores they've been "meaning to get to."

• "Seeing your breath" becomes clear evidence of a hygiene problem.

• New holiday TV specials like "The Sunscreen That Saved Christmas."

• Unemployed Saint Bernards start bringing rum to those "buried in paperwork."

• Never wince again when someone says "Ant-ar-tic" instead of "Ant-arc-tic."

• Hottentots will simply be called "Tots."

• Hawaii tourism booms with slogan "It's Too Hot To Wear Our Grass Skirts."

• Plenty of hot water for shower, no matter which knob you turn.

• Brass monkeys lose their fear of winter.

• "Baked Alaska" promoted from dessert to state motto.

...and on and on and on. Yes, there really are 100 of these entries and now that we're reading them again for the first time in years, maybe we should consider that whole self-publishing thing. After all, it would really annoy those hysterical voices of doom on the Left...and that would be the best "good thing about global warming" of all!

Note: All of the above is ©2019 by Stilton Jarlsberg. 

Never steal things from a crazy man.

Punch & Judas Show

The Drudge Report now informs us in giant red letters that a "2ND WHISTLEBLOWER COMES FORWARD," which pretty much proves...well...nothing at all. Because we already know that none of this stupid non-impeachment "impeachment process" is legitimate.

For all we know, and with memory of the Kavanaugh hearings still stuck in our craw, this new "whistleblower" may be claiming to have seen a youthful President Trump spiking punch bowls at parties, after which he steered helpless, drugged heads of state into a bedroom where he forced them to say dirty things about Joe Biden.

And we...don't...care.

The funny thing about credibility, as the Left has failed to notice, is that once it's gone you can't get it back. Which is why no number of Democrat-coached "whistleblowers" can impress us at this point... nor can they make us spend any more time blogging about it than we want to. Which ain't much.

Nope - the needle hasn't budged.

BONUS...

In all seriousness, we're glad to see Bernie Sanders out of the hospital and apparently feeling better. We don't like his socialist fantasies, but we actually think he has more integrity (in a very tortured sense of the word) than many of his Democrat rivals. And he's way more hilarious to watch!

While we wish him no political success whatsoever, we wish the man himself well.

Phuket Friday

With all of the aggravating news lately, we thought that it would be a good idea to devote today's blog to something more positive, uplifting, and spiritual. We're speaking, of course, about the 2019 Phuket Vegetarian Festival which is happening right now in Thailand. If you hurry, you can still catch it!

Among the various non-meat-eating events at the Festival, a particular crowd-pleaser sees celebrants parading through the streets with a variety of surprising objects jammed through their cheeks and mouths. While this may seem strange to Western eyes, there's actually a good reason for these ritualistic piercings: by impaling themselves, the worshippers draw bad luck away from the rest of the townspeople. Don't laugh - they think we're idiots for believing we can change the weather by making plastic straws taboo.This joyful celebration reminds us of the rich variety of cultures across the globe, absolutely none of which are inferior to our own in any way, at least when it comes to sideshow-type entertainment value. And with that thought in mind, we'd like to see this colorful celebration imported to the United States. Specifically, we'd like to see it adopted by the many politicians and media types who are currently trying to overthrow the Presidency. Hey, their mouths are already wide open - and we'll happily chip in to help buy them scimitars, knitting needles, hand saws, harpoons, and post hole diggers!We're so enthusiastic about the idea that, every time we hear another fake news report or lying politician we loudly shout "Phuket!" at the television screen. Just ask our neighbors.

Hi Way to Hell

He's also alleged to have dated a porn star named Misty Meener.

Remember Monday, when we said we don't really want to spend a lot of time hashing over the ongoing minutiae of the "impeachment" crap? Well, we weren't kidding. So here's a cartoon, and the Democrats and the media can go screw themselves. What we lack in subtlety, we make up for in brevity!

Meanwhile, with a sudden uptick in public appearances by Hillary Clinton, we're getting an uncomfortable feeling that - as we've predicted all along - the old biddy really might be preparing for a deus ex machina entrance into the 2020 Presidential race. She will claim that she's the only one who can beat Trump because "I did it once before!" (Note: we made that quote up, but we'd bet good money that you'll be hearing it from her withered lips before long).

With these thoughts in mind, and because Halloween decorating has entered our thoughts (hey, it's October!), we've created a singularly creepy piece of art that we call "waiting in the shadows"...

Download a high-rez, printable version of this picture for Halloween by clicking this link!

As Count Floyd would say, "That's real scary, boys and girls! Ah-wooooo!"

Of course, the person who should be most scared of Hillary right now is the alleged "whistleblower" at the heart of the latest Trump coup attempt. Why? Because the actual accusations against the President won't hold water, but it would look pretty bad for Trump if the whistleblower suddenly had an "accident" of the kind that Hillary can probably arrange in her sleep by now.

Think about it: the whistleblower's statement is already on record, but a dead whistleblower can't be called before investigating committees or be forced to reveal the names of leakers and conspirators. It's a Democrat dream come true!

Such an event would cast just enough suspicion on Trump (with a big push from the media) that he would likely be unelectable. But could such a thing really happen? Well, it's already being reported that the whistleblower is under "federal protection" out of assassination fears...which sounds like journalistic "priming the pump" for a murder scenario which may have already been scripted.

Mind you, this is all wild ass speculation on our part...but anyone who isn't experiencing a bit of paranoia at this point just isn't paying attention.

Slay Your Prayers

Nancy Pelosi has announced that she is both heartbroken and prayerful about her decision to aggressively move forward with impeachment, a serious process which, we're fairly certain, requires the House Speaker to fellate Satan. Which probably won't be a party for either of them.

If you think that analysis lacks subtlety, all we can say is: "get used to it." This is going to be, by design, a long and stultifying nightmare in which the Deep State uses every dirty trick imaginable to get rid of Donald Trump. And frankly, Stilton's Place is not anxious to spend the coming weeks and months wading through this fetid quagmire and calling out all the lies (and trust us, their name will be Legion).

All we can say for now is that we hope the Trump administration will fight back, and fight back hard. Like, Armageddon hard. Because this is now as pure a clash between good and evil as we're likely to see in our lifetimes. And, if we lose, the last such clash to ever be seen in this nation.

FROM THE VAULT: EASTERN DOUBLE STANDARD TIME

(Originally published June 14, 2019)

Schiff Faced

There's a lot more truth in the attached cartoon than there was in the entirety of Democrat Adam Schiff's televised inquisition yesterday of Acting Director of National Intelligence, Joseph Maguire.

So eager was Schiff to give some momentum to the "impeach Trump" movement, he made an opening statement which was wall to wall lies of the most extreme type. And this while knowing full well the actual contents of President Trump's phone call to Ukraine's President (after Trump released an unredacted transcript) and the less-than-impressive "whistleblower's" complaint.

Here is the relevant portion of Schiff's opening statement. We will mark the utter, outright, and unforgivable lies - soon to be re-broadcast over and over on every mainstream news outlet - in red:

"The President’s response — well, it reads like a classic organized crime shake down. In essence, what the President Trump communicates is this: We’ve been very good to your country. Very good. No other country has done as much as we have. But you know what, I don’t see much reciprocity here. You know what I mean? I hear what you want. I have a favor I want from you though. And I’m going to say this only seven times, so you better listen good. I want you to make up dirt on my political opponent, understand? Lots of dirt, on this and on that. I’m going to put you in touch with people, and not just any people. I’m going to put you in touch with the Attorney General of the United States — my Attorney General, Bill Barr — he’s got the whole weight of American law enforcement behind him. And I’m going to put you in touch with Rudy, you’re going to love him. Trust me. You know what I’m asking, so I’m only going to say this a few more times, in a few more ways. And don’t call me again. I’ll call you when you’ve done what I asked."

Schiff had to make this garbage up and lie about it because the actual transcript contained nothing like this and suggested no wrongdoing whatsoever.

So outrageous were Schiff's lies that when others called him out on it, he reluctantly conceded that his paraphrasing of Trump's phone call might be considered "something of a parody." A PARODY?! In the prosecution's opening statement looking into only the fourth impeachment in our nation's history?! No, Adam, you weren't trying to make a joke...you were trying to get away with murder, albeit of the political kind.

In complete honesty, the recent impeachment-crazy news cycle has hit the Jarlsberg household hard and is causing us to do some serious thinking about our self-defense rights under the 2nd Amendment. That's not a road we enjoy going down.

The Left is throwing out any semblance of honesty or Constitutional process and has essentially declared war on Trump, his supporters, our economy, and our system of elections. We believe that the Trump administration needs to respond in kind- albeit legally, responsibly, quickly, and with unrelenting strength.

We have already seen one high-level coup attempt on this Presidency go unpunished. It must not happen a second time.

Call Waiting

With all of the hot air currently circulating in Washington, it's a wonder that little Greta "How Dare You!" Thunberg isn't calling for a mass extinction of politicians before the icecaps melt.

There is feverish talk among Democrats of impeaching the President for the heinous and totally unacceptable sin of making a phone call to Ukraine's leader which they don't really know the contents of, but they're pretty sure must be treasonous because an anonymous whistleblower who hasn't heard the actual call says so. Plus, and this can't be overstated, Orange Man bad.

It is believed that during the phone call, Donald Trump asked the Ukrainians to look into allegations that Vice President Biden, while in office, improperly used governmental power and funds to force Ukraine to end a corruption investigation of the company that employed (by which we mean "stuffed his well-connected pockets with money") Biden's drug-using, widowed sister-in-law-banging son, Hunter.

By the way, these "allegations" were raised by Joe Biden himself, who actually bragged about his wrongdoing on camera. Because he is an idiot.

In any event, the Democrats want to impeach Trump for investigating Biden's self-admitted corruption, and they're hanging their hopes on the mysterious phone call reported by a "whistleblower." And they've been making a lot of theater out of the fact that the call's contents were "secret."

However Trump, being Trump, is releasing an unredacted transcript of the call in question today just to clear the air and, more importantly, screw with everyone's minds.

Where all of this will end up, we have no idea - but it's not unlikely that when the smoke clears, Trump will still be standing, Joe Biden will be forced out of the Presidential race, and Greta Thunberg will be blissfully forgotten.

LEFTOVERS...

Sometimes we have more than one possible way to go with a picture. Here's the one that came in second today...

"Wasn't he the boss on the Mary Tyler Moore Show?"

Climate Changelings

Last week, millions of teens took to the streets to protest climate change and demand, demand!, that God turn down the thermostat on the sun by a couple of degrees.

Just kidding! They actually want to ban plastic straws, hamburgers, fossil fuels, internal combustion engines, capitalism, and personal freedoms. This is because, according to 100% of scientists (Snopes verified it), man-caused global warming is causing rainforests and aboriginal people to burst into spontaneous flames, Miami to be submerged faster than Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure," and all life on Earth to be stone dead within 10 years. Well, except for cockroaches and Keith Richards.

The kids believe this because it's what they've been taught - in schools, on television, and on social media. And when we say "taught," we mean force fed like brainless captive geese who'll soon be donating their livers to paté.

With eons of climate cycles in the world's past, we're more than a little skeptical of the whole "man-caused climate change" narrative. But just to be on the safe side, we're addressing the issue with some 100% Earth-friendly recycled cartoons today.

Also, we're going to wrap our feet in plastic bags from the grocery store so that we won't leave carbon footprints.

Kids, by all means try this at home!

True D'OH!!!

He's also rumored to have bragged about grabbing beavers.

We actually couldn't give a flying fart in a cyclone about Canadian Prime Minister (and ultra-liberal) Justin Trudeau having worn "brown face" at an "Arabian Nights" costume party 18 years ago.

What's more interesting to consider is the way today's "woke" media is handling this non-event. CNN and CNBC flat out declare a snapshot of Trudeau in costume to be a "racist photo." The Washington Post and others are saying that Trudeau "must be dumped" from high office. And even Elizabeth Warren isn't buying Trudeau's claim to be 1/1024th Arabic.

But does an old photo in and of itself really make someone a full-blown and unforgivable "racist?" And is there really no gradation between being accidentally offensive once upon a time, and being an actual cross-burning, lynching, active bigot?

When even minor infractions are deemed to be ultimate and unforgivable, the Left de-incentivizes people to change their attitudes about racial issues or "evolve." But then, that's not really even what the Left wants. Rather, they want to use their indignation as a cudgel to bring down anyone whose ideology doesn't pass their new "racial purity" test.

BONUS: YOU'LL ROO THE DAY

Just for fun, and in the interest of filling additional space, let's enjoy a Friday edition of...

The Retractions Are Coming Five Minutes Apart

Well, there's egg on our face today, and we've got the journalistic integrity to admit it. We had a whole "Stilton's Place" ready to go which was poking fun at the New York Times for running a seemingly bogus story about a new (albeit not new at all) allegation of sexual misconduct against Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

A story which became so widely repeated that virtually every Democrat and news outlet started screaming once again for Justice Kavanaugh's immediate impeachment or, perhaps, burning at the stake.

Our skepticism about the story was related, in part, to the fact that the "sexual assault" described by the NY Times (and not remembered by the alleged "victim") did not sound like anything that was even humanly possible.

But then this morning, the NY Times printed an addition to the story that makes it all too plausible:

Reaction to the update on the story was swift and dramatic, with Democrat presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke declaring, "Hell yes, I'll take his huge dick," ironically leaving fellow candidates Kamala Harris and Pete Buttigieg with nothing to say on the subject.

In the interest of providing a quick and thorough investigation of the NY Times' latest allegations, Justice Kavanaugh has agreed to be questioned by representatives from the Guinness Book of World Records.

FROM THE VAULT: DRIVEN A FRAUD LATELY?

Party Mouths

Biden's homage to "The King's Speech"

Democrats in general aren't very happy that, in the most recent debate, candidate Beto "The Mean Kids at School Called Me Francis the Talking Mule" O'Rourke had an unexpected moment of truthfulness and bellowed out, "Hell yes, we're gonna take away your AR-15!"

While this kind of candor might not make for smart politics, we frankly found it refreshing and wish that more Democrats would open every pronouncement with "Hell, yes!" before saying exactly what they really mean.

"Hell yes, we're going to seize the means of production!"
"Hell yes, we're going to keep killing babies!"
"Hell yes, we're against the Bill of Rights!"
"Hell yes, we're going to punish white people!"
"Hell yes, we're going to destroy the middle class!"
"Hell yes, we're coming for your retirement savings!"
"Hell yes, we're trying to flood the country with illegals!"
"Hell yes, we want to encourage voter fraud!"
"Hell yes, we're an incestuous bunch of clueless, sociopathic idiots!"

Okay, they're unlikely to ever admit that last one, but it's pretty much implied.

BONUS: HE'LL CURSE THAT BRIDGE WHEN HE GETS TO IT

Of no great importance but considerable amusement value, it's worth noting that one of the odder moments in Joe "I'm Not Going Crazy" Biden's debate performance occurred when it appeared that his dentures (if they are dentures) had come loose.

While listening to a question, Biden can be seen trying to rearrange things inside his closed mouth using his tongue, puffing out his cheek, and making "nom, nom, nom" chewing motions - before finally opening his mouth to reveal gleaming choppers displayed so aggressively that they'd even give Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's dentist nightmares.

Then again, maybe Uncle Joe had just finished a tasty piece of saltwater taffy and was caught off guard while he was trying to choke down the wax paper.

LATE BREAKING BONUS: CEREAL KILLERS

Here's Joe telling the story in 2017. Presumably, he's two years less lucid now...